Numbing by FlameTwirler

Chapter 2

Kakashi didn't see Sakura for the next few days and the small episode nearly faded from his mind. Besides, there were other things that filled his thoughts.

This day, however, he felt safe in the guarantee of solitude. The skies were emptying everything they held on his poor little town and most people were scurrying indoors. Kakashi, on the other hand, always felt a pull in those quiet moments as if it was a singular signal to him alone and he reveled in getting to ponder old memories without the threat of an audience.

He made his way sedately to his usual haunt, not bothering to shield himself from the pouring rain, but he noticed something out of place. Barely discernible through the grey mist of the water drenched air, he saw a figure huddled directly in front of the cenotaph, and though the rain muted the color of her hair, nothing could completely disguise it.

He couldn't rouse himself enough to feel perturbed at her invasion, instead only a vague curiosity rose in him. It puzzled him as to why she'd return, at a time such as that none the less, so despite himself his attention remained on her as he approached and sat. She'd obviously been there for a while already; she was soaked through, her breath was fogging, and her skin was paler than normal. She didn't seem to mind, and he didn't think it his place to admonish, not when he would be in the same state himself soon.

Still, she looked so out of place, so sedately not herself. Legs curled up against her chest, chin on her knees, arms around her shins, balling herself into the smallest amount of space possible, her eyes gazed unseeing at the stone in front of her. Even with his sharingan he was unable to discern whose name she mourned, so unfocused were her eyes.

No matter though. Her affairs were her own and if she ever did decide to share then that was her business. For a short moment he debated the merits of speaking to her but decided against it. He of all people knew that some things were meant to stay private. Besides, truth be told, he wasn't up for carrying anyone else's burdens just then. His own always seemed to become monumentally heavier with the added weight the rain brought to the air.

Seeing as she didn't seem intent to bother him he shrugged off Sakura's presence and settled far enough away to give them the illusion of privacy through the thick veil of the pouring deluge.

Time passed in the way it only did at the memorial and Kakashi wasn't at all aware of whether it had only been a few minutes or hours when Sakura turned to face him. Her eyes stopped him dead; they were cold and so empty that he couldn't stop the quick flashing image of her lying dead, name prepped to be put on the self-same memorial, and all the breath left his body in one great rush.

To his relief she turned away from him again and left only a few minutes later, leaving him reeling and even more introspective than normal.

After two weeks of watching her student Tsunade knew that something was wrong. She didn't get to spend much personal time with her since her duties kept her constantly busy but it was obvious that something had snapped in the younger kunoichi, and she could only hope it hadn't broken irrevocably.

All shinobi went through such transitions. It was inevitable when they all faced death constantly, had to treat all strangers and even some friends with a level of distrust because of the high incidence of spies and traitors. Then of course there were the moral questions over the ambiguous nature of their own profession, their way of life. It was different for everyone but each shinobi went through hell and had to fight his way back to sanity.

Tsunade almost hadn't made it. She'd almost fallen apart at the death of her little brother but had held on since she had such strong supporters around her. Dan's death had been too much though and she'd broken, gone so far that she'd had to turn her back on her chosen profession because of her paralyzing fear of blood. It was decades before she came out of her self-induced stasis and that was only because her village had come after her, all but shoving obligation down her throat.

Part of her still resented the imposition but most of her appreciated having something to work for again, something to ground her, something worth living for – even if the paperwork did occasionally make her want to kill herself and more often than not drove her to mind-numbing inebriation.

Sakura had now been her student for years, though only in name really, as it had been a long time since she'd had something to really teach the girl about technique. Now it was all about how to mold that skill in life and how to live with the consequences of each decision – something she preferred to stay out of since looking back on her life she knew she hadn't exactly taken the best paths offered and knew her decision making skills were still faulty on a personal level.

Only a year into Sakura's apprenticeship Tsunade had started hearing the rumors about how team seven was repeating history, becoming the new san-nin, following in their footsteps. It had scared her for them; she never wanted anyone to have to live with the kind of close betrayal that she and Jiraiya had, but it seemed she was too late to be worrying on that account. The past was done and she could only hope the two left behind found a better way to cope than they had so many years prior.

It seemed just another repeat though as she saw what was now happening with the kunoichi she'd come to feel very protective of. She'd seen the bleakness in Sakura's eyes which worried her. Even after searching for Sasuke again, coming home broken, heart bruised, her eyes had been full of pain but never this seeming nothingness.

She'd hoped it would blow over. The benefit of Sakura's explosive emotions was that she never really bottled anything up for too long. She would rage out her anger or sadness, even drink out her depression – a trait she had the chagrin to she wish she hadn't passed on – but then her equilibrium would return. It was an impressive, if dangerous coping mechanism and Tsunade was grateful that it made her student so easy to read, so easy to teach and mold, so easy to know how to respond to.

This time though she had seen none of Sakura's typical response. After hearing of the incident where Sakura had seen the death of almost an entire team, not to mention at least one friend, she'd expected to be dealing with a moping medic for the next week. Yet the complete lack of any type of response made her initially wonder if Sakura had gone into some sort of shock. The fact that it had lasted this long threw that theory out the window just as it increased her worry exponentially.

The reports back from colleagues in the hospital had just been much of the same. Sakura was infamous for her ability to shoot to an irate anger with no warning but that was tempered with a care that had won her a place in the hearts of all her coworkers. Many had sent notes to Tsunade about Sakura's state of mind, concern lacing each of them at how she'd become almost a living zombie – so she knew she wasn't alone in worrying that something was seriously wrong with her apprentice.

Sighing heavily, knowing this would not be a pleasant meeting, she sent Kotetsu to go find the girl and bring her to the hokage's tower. It was time they were due for a little chat.

Promptly ten minutes later Sakura arrived in her office, and Tsunade worked not to show her worry at the blank, almost hard look on the kunoichi's face as she took a seat in the chair on the other side of the desk.

Tsunade cut straight to the point, knowing the kid-gloves wouldn't get them anywhere and at worst would just aggravate her. "Sakura, what's wrong?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about, shishou."

After almost two weeks of waiting for a meltdown, explosion, or simple reaction of any kind Tsunade had just about had enough. She was past thinking Sakura was going through the normal grieving process or throwing a tantrum: something was wrong. She was concerned, as a friend, mentor, boss, and Hokage. The only thing keeping her from locking the girl up was that she was still physically fine, as she herself had made her go through a physical the day prior. Still she just wasn't acting normal, even considering the circumstances.

"Sakura, you've been overworking yourself and as any medic knows overtaxing your system is hardly conducive to one's health, physically or mentally." She sighed and prepared herself for the fight she was sure to come. "I'm ordering you to take a leave of absence."

Watching Sakura's eyes light with horror tugged at Tsunade's heart but made her feel a guilty sense of relief that at least she was finally showing something.

"No, shishou, you can't do that!"

"Something's off with you Sakura – you're not doing yourself any favors here!"

"Have any of my patients complained?"

The Godaime paused at that.

"Has my success rate gone down? Have any of the other medics said anything about this affecting my abilities with the patients? I passed my physical yesterday – I'm needed here. You know we're always short on medics!"

The blonde woman belatedly noticed the thinly veiled panic in her apprentice's eyes and finally realized she must be using her work both as her escape and to keep her rooted. Too often people going through tough times lost sight of what they cared about and allowed themselves to float off into oblivion. If this was what Sakura needed to cope, then she'd allow it.

"Fine, you can stay on."

The relief was palpable as the pink haired kunoichi slouched slightly in her chair, the alarm gone from her face, though Tsunade detected a hint of panic still remained, hidden.

"You can remain on staff as long as you keep up to standard." She held up hand to forestall the rebuttal she saw forming on Sakura's lips. "I know you want this but I can't put patients at risk. If there are any slip-ups you'll go on leave even if I have to force you out myself. It'll always be here for you when you come back."

She noted that same blank look came over Sakura's face again and wished she could delve into it with her but knew Sakura wouldn't give up the information easily. When such wounds often took weeks or months to heal one short conversation with a superior wasn't likely to do much good. Even then she didn't think it ever fully went away. In her own case while her sense of duty had put her right she could still sometimes feel the dull ebb of pain inside her.

She hadn't seen a reaction quite like Sakura's before and knew it would take further time to figure out how to help her – but unfortunately a hokage never had time. The duty to the village overall was primary, individuals secondary, no matter what her heart screamed at her during times such as this. Besides, she knew the medic well enough to realize that she wasn't ready to share her thoughts yet, if she even understood them herself.

"That being said, if you want to keep busy I'm putting you on the evening shift. With all the missions scheduled to be coming back it'll be good having one of my top-medics covering it. Agreed?"

The younger woman nodded, slightly relieved. Statistically evenings were filled with more patients – both from shinobi trudging to get home from missions, pushing themselves to the last, and from increased civilian accidents in the poor light. With any luck she'd be able to keep herself busy with the less serious cases. She appreciated her shishou's effort to pacify her and keep her mind occupied. Slowly she rose to go, pausing when Tsunade's voice called her at the door.

"Sakura…please take care of yourself."

Kakashi had been nearing burnout on the field - actually he had been for ages - but the hokage had finally mandated a forced leave, muttering something about too many people around her cracking up. He didn't mind too much. He thrilled in the job, of being of use to his village, to those he could protect in the process, and most of all the way his mind was cleared of everything but the mission, but he missed getting to visit old memories.

Since he was on 'vacation' he was getting to vent the attic so to speak every day and as such he was noting a distressing occurrence. More often than not he arrived at the memorial to find Sakura sitting docilely in the field. He wasn't touted as a genius for nothing though and quickly discovered that his little friend, as organized as ever, had made a schedule for herself. She came to the memorial every day at exactly 11am, which made sense as he'd heard she'd taken up the night shift at the hospital.

Realizing this he figured he could avoid her if he truly wished but he didn't see the point. There were a number of names on the memorial so he could never really guarantee privacy. Not only that, but to completely work his schedule around one pink-haired kunoichi not only cramped his style but also made him wonder why he'd go to such extremes to avoid an old teammate. Besides, he found he didn't mind her presence nearly as much as he'd thought. Instead it was actually growing to be companionable to have her there, though it could never be completely comfortable considering what they were there for.

And he'd still as of yet to figure her out...though he supposed that could just be because he hadn't really spent that much mental power on it yet. Why bother when he knew she'd be moving on before long?

Shrugging it off he settled himself down in the warm grass for another lazy afternoon.

Edited 12/07/08 to add sections