Numbing by FlameTwirler

Chapter 3

Sakura came upon him quite abruptly as he stepped into the clearing at the same instant as she did. A slow wariness settled around her shoulders as she watched him sit, then she chose a patch of grass nearer to him than she would normally dare in the silence of the cenotaph. She stared at him a while, contemplating, though Kakashi hardly acknowledged the gesture. Finally, she cocked her head to one side and spoke.

"Is it worth it?"

He turned quickly to her and she seemed startled by her own voice. She was agitated as well, as if she hadn't meant to speak aloud. Quickly she looked away from him and, while he did search her face for any hint of her meaning, he allowed her her own mind. She, however, was too disturbed by her momentary lapse and after only a moment, left the clearing. Kakashi gazed at her retreating back, wondering.

The next day was nearly a repeat of the one prior. The Copy-Nin came upon her already in the clearing and they sat in comfortable silence a while. Without lifting her gaze though, Sakura suddenly asked him, "Is it worth it?"

A moment passed before he answered, "Is what worth it?" He wasn't a top shinobi for nothing, hadn't stayed alive as long as he had without some sense of cunning. He thought he understood what she was getting at but she had to be willing to say it out loud, admit to it before she'd actually be willing to merit any answer given by him, herself, or anyone else.

He looked at her askew when she didn't elaborate, gazing back to the stone when it was clear she wouldn't.

They continued their dance in five meetings over the next week and a half until Kakashi was at his end. Normally he was a patient man but he had no leniency with someone who was being evasive and merely playing at a game. If she didn't explain herself the next time they met he wasn't sure if he'd tackle her and force her to tell him or if he'd drop his end of the questioning and simply ignore her altogether.

It was raining again the next time he saw her at the memorial, as it did so often in a country as lush and green as theirs. The downpour had softened substantially by the time he arrived, the light pitter-patter providing a quiet music after the deafening roar.

He waited her out, drawing out the mist-clouded morning until she was comfortable enough to start their exchange again.

"The life of a shinobi."

She surprised him as she answered his question straight off, though it did please him as he was sick of hearing the same mocking words again and again. She stirred, as though getting ready to stand, but he stilled her immediately.

"Don't, Sakura. It's time to stop dodging. Say what you want to say."

She situated herself again, drawing a deep breath at what she would say, what – as he put it – she wanted to say, though she had to argue she certainly didn't desire any of the questions currently burning inside her. She settled on letting out whatever came, even if it was gibberish, just to get it out. She knew if there was one person she could trust to not judge her or belittle her musings it was Kakashi.

"It's painful to live like this, to see the gritty side of life day after day. Life could be so much easier. I could get myself set up in Ino's flower shop – no real life and death situations there. Heck, if I wanted to, I could even set up my own private medical practice, do family medicine in some posh neighborhood and get rich in the meantime."

She didn't have to look at him to see his quelling look, feel the heavy weight of the words behind it, because it was something she'd told herself time and time again as well.

"Don't worry, I know that couldn't ever happen now. There are too many people I love going into potentially fatal situations every day." She had to pause a moment to gather herself.

"My not being there with them wouldn't help shield them, wouldn't keep them from getting hurt. On the contrary, all I can do is offer my chakra in the best and most useful way possible. Part of me just wishes that it wasn't necessary. Actually, a lot of me wishes that."

Kakashi's attentive silence encouraged her to continue.

"I don't want to be any part of war, of death and violence, but it's inevitable. Even if we don't go out to seek it it just comes to us. There have to be people to defend the village from invaders and the people need a reliable source of income that comes from the outsourced missions. If we didn't step up and do the dirty jobs then there would be civilian casualties and that's even worse. At least we understand what kind of line of work we're in and go in with that knowledge.

"I guess it's just…ignorance is bliss, ya know?" A tiny wistful smile twisted her face with muscles Kakashi hadn't seen used in over a month.

"If I didn't know about the constantly waging wars maybe I could set up that private practice. If I didn't know how many people died daily would it still hurt as much? The point is I'm not ignorant – haven't been since I signed up at the academy and the last of it was probably taken when he left. So I could never be anything other than a kunoichi now. But if this is the right choice then why is it so empty?" She turned bleak eyes on him and he didn't know what to say, not when he was plagued by some of the same questions.

"Is life just a quick succession of saying goodbye to loved ones and waiting until it's your turn to die and make everyone else sad for leaving them behind?"

She paused a long, tense time before dropping her final question, one that hit Kakashi's gut with a dull thud.

"Is it better to distance myself from everyone else now so that I don't break when they die, and so that no one will miss me when I inevitably go?"

Kakashi was staring so hard at the grass at her feet that he barely noticed when she left, her words echoing in his mind, mirroring long ago decisions that sounded so wrong to be coming from someone so bright.

Naruto had finally tracked her down, cornering her in her apartment, but now he didn't know what to do with her. First thing after the induction ceremony to put Haji's name on the cenotaph she'd become so evasive he'd barely caught sight of her. That wouldn't have been enough to sidestep him for long, as he wasn't about to leave her alone when she most needed him despite her outright ignoring him, but duty had called and he was assigned to an ANBU mission he just wasn't able to turn down. Coming back he spent yet another few days searching her out. At first he'd been elated, thinking she had to be doing better if she was working the busy shift at the hospital, but now that he was with her she was like this.

Still, Naruto was nothing if not persistent and he wasn't one to let things get him or his friends down. So he tagged along all day as she ran errands, jabbering in her ear, dragging her to Ichiraku, going so far as to purposely do things he knew would annoy her, but…nothing!

He pulled out some of the best of his arsenal, performing his widely-touted Sexy no Jutsu, for which she always violently beat him (or suffered a nosebleed depending on which version he chose), and he prided himself on being such a good friend to go to such lengths as to sacrifice his own personal safety and likely land himself in the hospital. She just stood blankly, looking right through him as though he were the wisps of smoke barely concealing his female body.

It was about that time he finally realized that something was truly wrong with his normally fierce pink-haired kunoichi. Since nothing he was doing seemed to be solving her problem or forcing her to crack a smile he figured he'd just do what he could for now and be as supportive a friend as he could for the rest.

That didn't mean he was giving up on drawing her out though…he just needed more time to plan the ultimate diversion…

A/N: Just a heads up that I changed the first two chapters. For those who read before 2/18/09 you may want to re-read. Same info, just presented in a different light.

Now for random author musings that you can feel free to skip:

I've had this story written for over a year but I didn't think the way I'd written it was particularly viewable or palatable to readers. I personally liked it but I understood it because I had written it, ya follow? I kept planning to rewrite it in a more narrative style but I just haven't gotten around to it and sorta doubt I ever will. That saying I like the story too much to let it dither away in the recesses of my hardrive so hopefully the rest will be coming out relatively soon. Here's just hoping it makes competent sense to others as well, haha.

So on that note, on with the show!