Title: Where Your Road Leads
Author: Sarafu
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Power Rangers do not belong to me.
Summary: After ten years of hard work, the Dino Thunder team has found success, but for two of them, happiness remains elusive. Can they find it in each other?
Dedication: To BFE which has been an inspiration forever and to the loveliness that is Dino Thunder but mostly for love of James. This chapter never would have been if not for input from someone who assured me that I did have a way out of the corner – thanks, Casey, you saved me from too much craziness and gnashing of the teeth.
Chapter 4: Risking It All On A Chance
January 2014
Dazed, Conner stared at his best friend who dropped his hand immediately and whispered, "Come on, they're going to call for an encore."
He followed her into the wings, but she was too busy pulling a quick costume change to even look in his direction. As the cheers drew her back onto the stage, he suddenly clutched at her arm. "Kira . . ."
Flushing slightly under the soft lights, she nervously murmured, "Later, Conner, after this encore." She disappeared back into the darkness. Ever the consummate professional, she finished out the concert without a mistake or a single glance to where Conner watched with bewilderment.
He couldn't quite understand why she would make such an abrupt overture. Five hours before, she had treated him the way she always had like a trusted friend. But now she was asking him to tell her his true feelings, to open himself up, and he didn't know why which bugged him. Did she mean it? Was it a joke to trip him up after the earlier interrogation? He hated the helpless feeling, torn between his heart and his head, eternally conflicted when it came to Kira. His apprehension didn't end as Kira strode past him toward her dressing room.
When he arrived three steps behind her, she stopped him with a quick smile. "Let me change into real clothes, okay?" She shut the door in his face and breathed deeply. She hadn't had a chance to prepare herself for the warring feelings that she thought she glimpsed in his eyes. Kira wondered if he really only wanted to make fun of her for putting out something that was a bizarre mistake. He wasn't the most tactful person on the planet, and Conner could be downright harsh when he told the truth. After she finally regained some semblance of peace, she moved away from the door and pulled clothing from the garment bag hanging in the closet. Preoccupied with the problem at hand, she failed to notice that the old red and gold T-shirt certainly didn't match the jeans streaked with yellow.
"All right, Conner, you can come in," she called, turning away from the door. As she heard the door close quietly, she pulled open the mini-fridge and started babbling inanely. "Are you thirsty? I have water and apple juice and soda. I'm always parched after a concert, and I never feel like I can drink enough – oh!" She turned around to find Conner standing right behind her.
He pulled the water bottle from her limp grasp and unscrewed the cap easily, handing it back to her while his intense eyes bore into hers. "Can we talk about it now, Kira, or do you have somewhere else to be?" His voice was soft and almost neutral, a fact that he was proud of but kept to himself.
Yet while he was so thrilled to seem calm, Kira was seriously unnerved. Conner had never been one to sound unreasonable. He ought to be raging or laughing or at least acting like Conner, not watching her patiently as she fought through her own butterflies.
Conner was fighting an internal battle of his own, wondering if he had landed in some alternate universe because reality never felt so surreal. Kira's panic conveyed in her eyes made him instinctually realize that the very worst thing he could do was pressure her about any of this.
Locked in a silent staring contest, the pair seemed intent on waiting each other out until Kira asked, "Why wouldn't you tell me if you were attracted to me?"
"For lots of reasons, none of which matter at this second. I'm trying to understand that little stunt out there," Conner said roughly. "What was it, Kira? Was it a joke?"
"It could be," she said almost eagerly, but his face fell slightly and she regretted her quick words. "No, Conner, it wasn't a joke. It was . . . I don't know what it was. I was trying to figure out the answer to a question that David asked right before the show."
"Did it work?" he questioned.
"Not really," she said with disappointment.
"Glad I could help you with your experiment." There was controlled anger in his voice, and Kira looked at him with surprise.
"No, Conner . . . it's not what you think," Kira protested in vain.
"Would you really want to know if I was attracted to you?" Steely determination filled his eyes as he stared at her with certainty. This was a moment of truth – nothing was comprehensible than that fact in his mind.
"Of course I would."
He abruptly pressed his lips to hers. It seemed a shock to her system, the sudden kiss teasing the edge of her feelings, drawing out a long-hidden fragment of passion. Nothing like any kiss she had ever experienced, the pressure was angry, raw, impatient, and so very Conner. He poured intensity into the things he truly cared about, and it was evident from the second of initiation that he felt that same emotion about the gesture. Any hesitancy fled from Kira's mind as he gently grasped her upper arms and deepened the harsh kiss. But his lips no longer sought retribution – they settled for something infinitely sweeter and affectionate. Still astonished, Kira engaged in the passion with equal fervor, letting the tendrils of lust and the increasing feelings overcome the thoughts she was having. It was strange to be so aware of Conner – every inch of her body reacted to his smell, his touch, his taste, even the sound of his breath. Yet just as she let herself get caught in the sensations that seemed to overpower her common sense, she felt Conner yank himself away from her body and her mouth.
Kira felt oddly empty and alone as he stepped across the room and scrutinized his best friend. His eyes bore into hers with surprising steadiness. "Did that answer David's question better?" In spite of the calm in his expression, she heard the hitch in his voice as he asked the question, the one that betrayed his own conflicting emotions.
"Yes," she answered tentatively, touching her fingers to her lips with quiet wonder. Her heart and adrenaline were racing from the encounter, but her mind seemed absolutely clear.
"Good, I've been waiting to do that for ten years," he confessed, still staring at Kira.
"Ten years!" She was overwhelmed by contradictory emotions: horror, terror, fear, shock, anxiety, and a single sliver of joy. The declaration muddied her moment of clarity.
Conner gazed at her with defiance. "That's how long I've been attracted to you, Kira."
"Since senior year?" He shook his head negatively. "While we were Rangers?" When he nodded, she sounded upset. "Conner, how can you tell me this now? The one thing I've valued most about our friendship is your honesty, but you've been lying to me for most of our friendship. And it's not even a small lie," she protested angrily. "It's a huge lie – what else have you lied to me about in the course of our friendship?"
"Do you really doubt my friendship, Kira, even though I never said anything until tonight when you asked me if I was attracted to you? Why do you think I've never said anything? Your friendship is necessary – it's like breathing to me. I never wanted to risk it for this," he said with frustration, running a hand through his hair with distraction.
"For what?" she demanded, trying to ignore the way the familiar gesture melted the ice in her voice slightly.
"For rejection or whatever. Face it, Kira. What would you have said ten years ago? Five years ago? One year ago?" Smugly self-righteous, Conner continued to watch her as she came to terms with his words.
Ten years ago, Trent was the only person in her line of vision, the one she was working to save from himself. Five years ago, she felt like a failure and tried to cut herself off from all her friends even though they loved her and wanted to help her in any way they could. And the last year had been focused on her career – romance had never even crossed her mind. "So now you've told me the truth," she forced out dully. "What do you want?"
His face softened as it always did when it came to telling her something she didn't want to hear. "This is me putting my heart on the line, Kira. Laugh if you want to, rage if you need to, tell me to go to hell, kiss me first. It doesn't really matter anymore. You know my feelings now."
Like equals on even ground, she thought bitterly. Yet he was the one who had known, had harbored these feelings for ten years. And now he laid them on her lap like a proud child, convinced he had done something right to keep it a secret. She loved Conner, loved him the way she loved Ethan and Dr. O and even Trent. He had been her protector, her savior, her best friend, and now he was asking to be more. He was asking her to let him into her heart, and she knew Conner well enough to know that he wouldn't be satisfied with only part of her heart. He'd want it all, desire, trust, affection, love. Her eyes felt damp as she glanced away from him. "I don't know what to say, Conner. I never had a thought that you might feel anything but friendship toward me," she said helplessly.
"You weren't ever supposed to know about my feelings, Kira. I never wanted to tell you."
"But you did tonight."
"Because you kept pushing the subject, Kira. You started in at lunch about how I needed a girlfriend and wanted to know why I hadn't ever had a serious relationship. And you just kept going before the show, trying to pin down my feelings about Ethan and Cassidy. Like I could ever look at Cassidy when you were right there with your unique individualism and glorious smile and a voice that seemed a gift from heaven. And you were brave and strong and perfectly content to be yourself. There was no woman that lived up to you. And then you gave me hope that you might feel the same way by asking me to tell you my feelings."
"It sounds like you're living with this ideal picture of me," Kira replied, pretending the warm glow in her stomach was from something other than his compliment.
He laughed hoarsely. "Don't be stupid, Kira. I know your faults as well as you do – the way you withdraw when you're uncomfortable or trying to be alone, the hell-bent way you rush into battle without thinking, the way you've walled yourself off and refused to trust anyone since Trent broke your heart. And you're too stubborn and sarcastic for your own good."
The glimpse into the woman he saw in her was a bit awesome to contemplate at the moment so she set it aside to give him a pained look. "I don't have those feelings for you, Conner. I love you like a friend, like the very dearest friend in the world, but I'm not in love with you and I don't even know if I'm attracted to you."
Her words contain a note of brutal honesty, but Conner waved them away. "You kissed me back, Kira. You didn't turn away, act disgusted, or throw a punch. You felt something, too."
And she couldn't deny it because he was apparently as aware of her body as she was of his during the kiss. "I haven't kissed anyone in months, Conner. It might just be my body's way of reacting to desire."
"You're going to blame hormones?" He sounded incredulous.
"No," she said honestly, focusing on his wounded eyes. "This is just a lot of stuff to drop on me. And I won't lie – I did feel something when you kissed me. But it doesn't change the fact that I don't know how I feel. Do you even know what you really want from me?"
Conner paused for a moment before he looked directly at her. "I want a relationship with you, but if I can't have that, I don't want our friendship to be changed by this."
With a shake of her head, she released a harsh giggle. "It's definitely not that simple. Everything has already changed, Conner, and we would spend so much time dancing around the topic that the friendship won't be worth saving. We need to address this now. But to have a real relationship . . . I don't know, Conner. I need to think about that." From his expression, she had the feeling that he would have rather had her reject him outright than ask for time to think about it. She plunged ahead. "I'm not saying no, Conner, I'm just not saying yes either. You're not exactly known for your commitment to relationships, and endangering our friendship isn't really high on my list of things to do before I turn 30. Just give me time," she asked softly, hoping that he could understand where she was coming from.
"Take all the time you need," he said carelessly, a blank expression sliding over his features.
She remembered what he had said about his heart, and she resisted the urge to offer comfort. "Thank you. It was good to see you." It was a bizarrely formal thing for her to say to Conner of all people, but he understood the unspoken request.
"I did enjoy lunch and the concert," the athlete replied almost as formally.
Kira walked up to him and put her arms around him, resting her head on his shoulder. "I do love you, Conner," she said anxiously.
He gazed down at the dark blonde head, feeling the sincere words chip away at the stone he felt when she asked for time. Love from Kira had always been a constant since he was 17 years old – to lose it on some spectacularly bad whim wouldn't destroy him, but it would decimate his spirit and possibly undo a lot of progress he had made over the years. "I know you do." His tone was frank and so was the glance he gave her as she drew away. "Good luck."
Conner turned to open the door, feeling like he had done everything in his power to argue his case. Whatever happened next would be up to Kira, a fact that frightened him immensely but also left him with an enormous sense of relief. The only secret he had ever kept from her was out in the open, and their friendship might be a bit battered by the revelation yet it had survived.
Perhaps Conner might have felt better to know that Kira was just as determined to save their friendship, but he wouldn't have been so sure that it would survive if he had seen his best friend curl up on the couch and cry silently about the decision which presently seemed insurmountable.