Such Is the Life of a Slut
Chapter Eight: Girlfriend (Lust x Frank Archer)
This one is actually a little different than my past ones. Most of them have been from Archer's point of view (well, sort of). This one, however, is taking it from an outside character's perspective. Also inspired from the manga rather than the anime, for once. You'll have to forgive me, I can't remember Lust's fake name.
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"Colonel Mustang!" Jean Havoc burst through the doors on an otherwise quiet Tuesday morning, causing the entire office to look up, perplexed. It was his day off, for once, and wasn't he supposed to be spending it with that new girlfriend of his?
"Yes, Havoc?" Roy asked, finally ripping his eyes away from the newspaper he'd been reading instead of signing papers. Seeing the other's near murderous glare, he nearly cowered away. Havoc had never looked so furious before.
"I'm sick and damn tired of it, sir! Every single one! All of them! One right after the other! Why can't I get a girlfriend!? No, I can, but why do you take them all?!"
The others in the office had gone deadly silent, and now turned to look at Roy, waiting for a response. There was none, Roy had gone back to reading the paper. "Y'know, he's got a point," Breda finally spoke up, drawing the collective attentions of the group to him. "I mean, why do you always do it, sir?"
The newspaper was pulled away by Hawkeye, and now Roy had to answer the question. "Well, uh, I don't know what you're talking about, Havoc." He finally covered. "I haven't stolen a girlfriend from you in months." Speaking of which, he should do that again soon.
"Sir, don't lie to me!" Havoc cried. "I was supposed to meet with Juliette this morning, but she wasn't there! She didn't show up! I wanted an hour for her!"
"Maybe she called your house?"
"I waited by the phone for another hour! Then I tried calling her, and nothing!" Havoc was practically in tears by now. "I really thought she was the one. How could you!?"
"But I didn't do anything." Roy frowned, perplexed. "I don't even know who Juliette is." And for once, he spoke the truth. Hawkeye hadn't witnessed him rambling about a new girl at all recently, nor had he used the name 'Juliette' in any alchemic coding. He used every girls' name he'd ever dated. It was no wonder hers wasn't in there.
Havoc paused, silent. "You mean…" Fuery finally asked, "you didn't steal Havoc's girlfriend?"
"I didn't." Roy nodded toward the youngest member of his office staff. "As I said, I haven't stolen a girlfriend of Havoc's for a long time."
"Then we have to find out who did!" Havoc decided. "I won't take no for an answer, sir! You're coming with me!"
Echoes of, "Me too!" and, "I'll come!" flooded the office, leaving only Hawkeye displeased by their determination to avoid work.
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"This is the address she gave me," Havoc examined the scrawled numbers on a piece of paper and then held them out for the others to see.
"You can't even read that," Falman protested, pointing at one of the numbers, "is that a six or a three?"
"How can you turn that into a six or a three?" Breda asked, snatching the paper from Havoc. "That's a nine!"
"Oh forget this!" Roy grumbled and started up to the door, finger poised to ring the doorbell.
"Wait, don't!" The other four chorused. "We're on a spying mission, remember?" Havoc dragged Roy back to the little group on the sidewalk.
"It would be more effective if we weren't so obvious." Roy was now positively sulking for being told off by a bunch of his subordinates. This was humiliating.
Suddenly the doorknob began to rattle, and with a shout of, "Scatter!" the group broke off to hide in different bushes around the yard. The front door was open, revealing Juliette, in all her voluptuous glory, as well as a man (which caused Havoc to nearly attack from his bush, but Breda held him back).
"Darling, are you sure you have to leave?" Something seemed fake about the way Juliette spoke, but maybe only Falman caught that. The other men were too busy staring at her breasts. She then came out further to pull on the man's sleeve until she was firmly gripping him by the shoulders. "Surely work can't be as important as our 'special time'?"
"Of course it isn't," The man spoke up, allowing her to freely manipulate him. He was too busy staring at her cleavage anyway. And he had a better view of it, Roy thought with a pout. "I can take the day off."
"Oh excellent!" Juliette chimed, dragging him back inside and slamming the door.
That was the cue for the spies to hop out of the bushes and exchange words on what they say. "Hot damn, did you get a load of that ass!?" "Oh my god, her breasts!" "She's such a slut!" "I'd hit it!" and other such things followed.
"Wait, wait, guys, didn't you see who the man was?" Falman finally managed to ask above Havoc's enraged shouts of "No, she's mine!" The others stared blankly, and Falman had to elaborate. "That was Lieutenant Colonel Archer, Hughes'—"
"Hughes!" Roy interrupted with a wail. The other's comforted him for a moment before an awkward silence, in which Roy stated, "Continue."
"Very well. He's the new head of the Investigations Department. I heard from Sciezka that he has a china tea set."
"Gay." They all chorused at once. "Totally gay."
"Yes, that's what I thought too. But then why is he here, with a woman?"
"Maybe he's being mind-controlled!" Fuery wondered aloud. "Like, an alien!"
"You've been hanging around Sciezka too much." Breda groaned.
Havoc waved his hands about angrily and interrupted the conversation, "I don't care about that! He's got my girlfriend!"
"Well, since he's gay, he'll leave by the time sex comes around." Roy figured, which then caused all of them to wince at the mere mention of it. Gay plus sex equals do not want. Or something along those lines.
"…Anyway, this closes the case!" Roy stated firmly, slamming a fist into the palm of his other hand. "And so it is solved!"
"That was a waste of time." Falman sighed. "Hawkeye won't be pleased."
Sure enough, when they returned to the office, they all got shot at several times. It was almost enough to get Hakuro to go examine the numerous gunshots. But of course, Riza managed to cover it up perfectly as usual.
And thus the day continued as usual; Havoc angsting, Roy avoiding paperwork, and the others actually doing something productive.