Part II: Sam
Whatever happens, I must stick to the plan.
Doesn't matter how much it hurts, doesn't matter how much it takes, I must stick to the plan and I must make it work.
Dean is worried – which shouldn't be surprising, except I don't want him to worry. God, why couldn't he actually be as dense as he pretends to be? I'd still love him and this would be so much easier.
It's proving harder than I thought, but if he withstood forty years in Hell, then I can bear this. I must bear this.
I haven't felt remorse in a long time, but I hate what I'm doing to Dean, what I have to do to Dean. I tried to find a way to keep him out of this, I really tried.
It's just that there isn't one.
I really wish I could find a nice, safe place and make him sleep, sleep this whole thing through, like King Arthur in Glastonbury.
Except that they would find him then and use him against me, maybe even send him to stop me, no matter if it breaks him.
It could be so easy, too – when he finds out, he will be…well, livid doesn't even begin to describe it and I can't really blame him. He loves this life, after all.
But it's killing him, it has already killed him and it's still hurting him, still destroying him and I've had enough.
I can't let it go on anymore.
I can't let Dean…I can't.
Heaven or Hell, it doesn't matter: they are both the enemy now.
It's funny, I've become a worse atheist than Dean ever was.
If it only takes a little grain of sand, a little screw loose in the right place to stop the gears of any mechanism, I'll be that grain of sand. I'll be that screw loose, even if it kills me.
It very well might before I'm even remotely ready – if they ever find out I'm playing both sides against each other… Another reason why Dean must be left in the dark.
It's crazy and fucking dangerous, I know, but I need more – more info, more power, I could use more time too if there was a way to get it. I need a power they could never beat, not even by teaming up.
The best part is they are both convinced that, whatever I do, I'll bring Judgment Day on Earth As Per Previously Decided and it will be just a matter of seeing which side I'll choose.
Except I have already made my choice and it's Dean.
Not only I won't cooperate with this Fate, Doom, Destiny or whatever they want to call it this week, I will use it to my advantage.
They won't know what hit them until it's too late – I'm going to kick them out, slam the door in their faces and lock it! Out of our lives, out of our business, out of our world, forever and ever, amen.
Dean will never forgive me.
I don't know what I'll do when he'll hate me – it's going to hurt worse than anything we've been through, even worse than this, but as long as they can never touch him again, I can live with this.
I'll have to live with this.
I only hope someday he will understand.
Sometimes I'm not sure I could actually pull this off if Dean knew. He's the only one who can stop me – always was, always will be.
I'm sure it doesn't take a genius to figure it out.
I can't let them get him, I won't let any of them get to him, not anymore. I have found ways to keep them away, keep them from reaching him.
Working on the plan would be so much easier if Dean wasn't always with me, but it's the best way I have to keep him safe, I know I wouldn't get a minute of rest if I couldn't check on him at any given time.
And if I have to be completely honest, I can't just let go of him. I need him close to remind me the reason why I'm doing this.
It's a dangerous, complicated plan – so dangerous and complicated I could easily lose myself in it.
Dean is my anchor to sanity.
This procedure is taking its toll on me – sometimes it's so bad I dread going to sleep at night and Dean lets me sleep in his bed, as if we were children all over again.
Even if I won't answer his questions, even if not knowing drives him up the wall, even if he has all reasons to suspect the worst, he lets me and never questions me about it.
Simple as that.
It might not chase the nightmares away anymore, but when I wake up the next day I'm ready to do anything, I could take on the whole universe.
The plan is far from perfect yet, but I'll get there, little by little I'll get there.
There's no time to waste worrying if it will work or if I'll survive, though I have no intention to do the Noble Sacrifice Thing unless I really have to.
In the meantime, I'll have to keep on hurting Dean day in and day out – there's no help for that.
I'll just grit my teeth and keep my pain to myself – and stick to the plan.
Whatever happens, I will stick to the plan.
Sorry I put off updating, but I have an exam tomorrow - so I'm going to give myself something to look forward to. Since I was studying like crazy, I ended up not answering the reviews to the previous chapter despite my best intentions: I'm really sorry.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter - anybody saw that (i.e. Sam's real plan) coming?
Whether you liked it or hated it, leave a review and let me know.