"Coward."
Mal looked up in surprise. Not many people called him a coward. Well, not them as expected to get away with it. He knew he'd rather run away from a fight occasionally, but … coward? He didn't think so.
"You had the chance to say, and you didn't." River drifted onto the bridge. "Back to square one."
"You think?" He turned in the chair and looked at her. "Figured we were at least on square five. Maybe six."
"Trying to go up the snakes, and down the ladders."
"Now you know I ain't that keen on snakes, darlin'."
"Call me that, but you won't say it to Inara." She sat down in the co-pilot's chair, lifting her long legs so her feet were on the seat.
"I do!" Mal blustered. "It's just … well … hell, girl, it's complicated."
"Saying 'I love you' isn't. It's three words. Three syllables. Eight letters. 19 billion molecules of air –"
"Nineteen?"
"I was rounding the figure."
"You know, you should really look to your own love life 'fore you get tangled up in mine."
"Don't have a love life," River sighed. "Except with one of Kaylee's –"
"No!" The word filled the bridge, and he tempered the grimace on his face with a short smile. "Don't need to know that, albatross."
"I keep wondering who to choose, but the list is too few to quantify."
"Choose?"
"You're taken, Wash is dead, Simon is … well, that would be disgusting."
"That's pretty certain." Her words suddenly made sense. "You thinking about Jayne?" His voice lifted an octave.
"Just thinking."
"Well … don't." He stood up, seeming to tower over her. "He ain't … River, there ain't no way in the seven hells that I'd let you … he's …"
River sighed again. "I know. I might have to go elsewhere. At least he'd know of a somewhere to recommend."
"You mean a …" Mal tried to breathe. "River, I'd take a wild leap at this and say you really better talk to someone about this."
"I'm talking to you."
"Yeah, but … I'm a man."
"Noticed that." She looked him up and down in a way that made him very nervous.
"I meant that you need to speak to a woman. Preferably someone with experience. And there's a few of those to choose from on this boat."
"They'll tell Simon."
"Not if you ask 'em not to. I mean, Inara's probably … well, she'd more'n likely got experience with … this kind of thing."
"She services women."
"That wasn't what I meant!"
"Don't want a woman anyway. Want a man."
Mal was rapidly coming to the end of his very tenuous grip on embarrassment. "River, you're still young. Being a … a virgin ain't such a bad thing. And when you meet the man you want to be with for the rest of your life, well, you can gift him something he's gonna treasure forever."
"Who said I was a virgin?" Her big eyes seemed to glow in the dim lighting, standing up so she was closer to him.
His mouth opened and closed. Twice. "Uh …"
She took pity on him. "I am. Never had a man. Never had him do the things you think about at night in your bed."
This time he blushed, a deep red that swept up his face. "River, please."
"You're loud. Everyone on this boat is loud. And it's all about sex." She sighed yet again. "How can I not think about it?" She shook her head sadly. "The only one not thinking about sex is Zoe, and she dreams about it. With Wash."
Mal felt himself nodding. "She's still grieving."
"For how long?"
"As long as it takes. I doubt she'll ever truly get over that man."
"Neither will I."
"You know, I've a notion none of us will."
River turned away from him, about to head off the bridge when she stopped. "Inara thinks about sex."
"Yeah, well, I guess she would. Having been a Companion and all."
"Not with them. With you."
Mal's eyebrows raised as if they had a life of their own. "Does she?"
"Remembers you in the desert. Naked. Proud. Wonders if she can make you prouder." A sly smile ran across her lips. "Wonders what you could do with that pride."
He'd had enough. "Did you come here just to make me all manner of uncomfortable?" he demanded.
She shrugged. "I was bored."
"So that means you can come and upset your captain like this?"
"Not upset." She leaned closer. "Inform."
"Yeah, well, if you ain't got nothing to do, I can find you something. Like cleaning out the septic vat."
"Not that bored."
His lips twitched. "No. Thought maybe you weren't."
She lifted her hand and cupped his cheek. "You need to shave."
"Shaved this morning." It was odd that the touch of her fingers didn't do anything more to him than show slight affection. Not like Inara's.
"Need to shave again." She pushed him lightly. "Now."
"River …"
"I'll pilot. And I promise not to run into anything."
"You mean like last time?"
"That was an accident." She pushed harder. "Shave."
He rubbed his hand over his chin. "It ain't that bad."
"Whisker burn." She sat down in the chair, swivelling it so she could stare out of the bridge window.
"Well, since I ain't got that close to anyone today, I'm not sure that matters."
"You might. And it hurts."
He stared at the back of her head, trying to get inside it, to see what she was thinking.
"Don't," she added softly. "It would hurt."
"Conjure it would." He smiled. "So you think it's worth me taking to the razor?"
"Better to climb the ladder than slide down the snake." She idly corrected a warning light.