Chapter 9: You went over my head!
"I want to go on an off world mission," I dropped that comment into the middle of the conversation one night when I was sharing dinner with team Sheppard (John hated it when I called them that but the description just seemed to fit!).
"Absolutely not," John reacted without seeming to even think about it.
"Not a front line mission," I clarified my request. "Just a research mission – something nice and safe."
"Why?" John asked.
"There is no such thing as nice and safe," Teyla pointed out before I could answer.
"She's right," Rodney admitted. "I've lost count of the number of missions we've been on that were supposed to be a cake walk that turned into a disaster."
"I've got plenty of interesting stuff to go through here," I admitted. "The Ancient database is immense and it'll take years to fully explore everything. I found references to another planet the Ancients were interested in the other day – Doranda. From what was in the database they sound like a fascinating race ... I'm just not sure I want to be the person who finds all the interesting mission material and then hands it over to someone else. I want to see it for myself."
"The Wraith don't care about interesting," Ronan said almost harshly. "Can you defend yourself against an attack?"
"A lot better than Rodney could," I pointed out confidently, "and he goes off world all the time - no offense Rodney."
"Rodney's the genius," John explained, getting a pleased grin from Rodney for the compliment. "He'd got the rest of us to protect him."
"So if I were smarter I wouldn't need to be able to defend myself and I'd get to go on a mission?" I asked incredulously.
"You're both smart enough and tough enough," John acknowledged, confusing me completely.
"Then why can't I go on a mission?" I frowned as I tried to understand what he was telling me.
"Because I won't put you in danger unless it's absolutely necessary," John admitted. "I knew you'd ask eventually and I've thought about it – unless there's a genuine need for your skills you'll stay on Atlantis."
"Are you basing this on personal considerations?" I asked incredulously, hardly aware of the uncomfortable expressions on Teyla and Rodney's faces. Ronon looked on impassively, like he was watching a movie instead of real people.
"Yes I am," John said freely. "The military implications support my decision though – you possess both the ATA and the Wraith genes which makes you a valuable target. We can't afford for someone with your talents to fall into enemy hands."
"I'm now the most proficient translator of the Ancient language," I pointed out, forgetting my natural modesty in my desire to get my way. "I'm also pretty handy with the ATA gene – there might come a mission where you need those skills."
"Like I said," John held my glance with the intensity in his eyes. "If a situation arises that requires those skills then you'll get to go, with the rest of us along to protect you. That's the best I can promise you right now."
"Okay," I gave up for the moment. "I'll just have to accept that."
Dinner broke up soon after– as the others got up to leave John raised an eyebrow at me in query. We had taken to spending many of our evenings together in John's quarters – sometimes we'd listen to music or read but more often than not at least one of us would have work to do. I nodded silently, holding out a hand for John to pull me from my chair.
"Stay," John mumbled a few hours later. Usually I managed to sneak out when John was sleeping but every now and then he'd wake up before I could escape.
"I can't," I said, pulling myself out of his arms and searching around for my clothes.
"Yes you can," John drawled. He raised his head from the pillow and looked over at me sleepily. "It's easy – you just get back in the bed and fall asleep ... next thing you know it'll be morning."
"You have a mission tomorrow," I reminded him. "I'd feel guilty if something happened because you were tired."
"If I'm tired it'll be because you woke me up leaving," John pointed out.
"Go back to sleep," I returned to the bedside fully dressed and leant down to kiss him, dodging quickly when he tried to pull me back into bed.
"Don't want to," John almost pouted. "You could just move in you know – then you wouldn't need to sneak out." It wasn't the first time John had mentioned the idea but since he usually said it with a hint of teasing humour I'd decided up front not to take him seriously.
"Where would be the fun in that?" I teased in return. "Besides, remember ... annoying habits and all that."
"Fine," John mumbled into his pillow. "G'night."
"Night," I murmured softly, lingering for a moment just to look at him. In sleep his face seemed less the face of a military commander and more the face of an innocent boy dreaming.
"You're staring," John complained, still giving the appearance of being asleep.
"I'm going," I laughed, turning and quietly walking out of his room. There was no one around at that time of the night and I made it back to my quarters, falling tiredly into bed.
I'm not sure if it was my mentioning the Ancient database reference to the Dorandans or if it was just a coincidence, but only a few weeks later John's team went on a mission to that very planet. The initial mission went according to plan (that alone should have clued us in that something bad was bound to happen!), leaving both John and Rodney excited about the existence of a ground-based version of the satellite weapon we had used to destroy a Hive ship some months ago. Rodney was especially excited by the fact that the weapon on Doranda appeared to be much more powerful than the satellite had been.
When I found out a research team was going back to the planet I immediately approached Doctor Weir in her office.
"Do you have a minute?" I asked from her doorway.
"Of course Sabina," Doctor Weir invited me in. "I haven't caught up with you in a while – how are you settling in to your new lab?"
"It's great," I said enthusiastically. "I've found a lot of interesting references in the Ancient database which is partly why I wanted to talk to you. With your permission I'd like to accompany the research team back to Doranda. The chance to study the outpost first hand would advance my studies immensely and I think the risk is minimal."
"Did you speak to Colonel Sheppard about this?" Doctor Weir asked with a thoughtful expression.
"Is it his decision?" I asked, without answering her question. Whether or not Ronon joined John's team had been her call and I was hoping my participation would be the same.
"That depends on the perceived level of military risk," Doctor Weir admitted. "And that is the Colonel's call."
"I haven't spoken to him about this specific mission," I admitted reluctantly. "But I did speak to him about the concept of me going on an off world mission and he agreed that if my specific skills were genuinely needed then I'd get to go. I think this mission to Doranda fits within that agreement."
"I'll speak to Colonel Sheppard," Doctor Weir conceded. "Be prepared to leave first thing tomorrow morning."
"Thank you Doctor Weir," I said excitedly, almost bouncing my way out of her office.
"You went over my head?" John was pacing angrily in front of me later that night. I'd been hiding out in my room, expecting some kind of reaction once Doctor Weir had spoken to him.
"I had to!" I didn't back down nor admit that it was wrong of me to talk to Doctor Weir before talking to him. "This mission needs my skills and we both know you were never going to agree to let me go unless I brought in an outsider. Doctor Weir is completely impartial and if she thinks the mission needs me and that it's safe for me to go there should be no reason for you to object."
"I don't care whether Doctor Weir thinks it's safe," John dismissed my argument harshly. "What I do care about is your safety and whether I can provide the level of protection necessary to ensure it."
"You can trust me," I said softly. "I'll follow all your orders without question and the minute you say leave, I'll come back here without protest."
I watched as John rubbed a hand over his brow, looking at me intently as if trying to judge the validity of what I'd said.
"Promise?" he asked ruefully.
"Promise," I said firmly. "Does this mean I can go?"
"You can go," John agreed, quickly bracing himself as I launched myself into his arms for an excited hug. I covered his face with happy kisses as I chanted thankyous in an exuberant voice.
"Just don't make me regret it," John said before letting himself get captured by my enthusiasm.