Chapter 13: This is bad, isn't it?
I stood over with Doctor Weir as John was scanned with Doctor Beckett and one of his staff in attendance. As soon as they were finished Doctor Beckett made his way over to us.
"The retrovirus isn't breaking down in his system like we hoped it would," Doctor Beckett said softly.
"You're positive?" Doctor Weir spoke while I stood frozen, gazing at John lying on the infirmary bed.
"Yes," Doctor Beckett confirmed. "In fact, it's beginning to alter his DNA. If this is allowed to continue, he'll devolve into a creature similar to what Ellia became."
Doctor Beckett sat down at his desk, rubbing a tired hand over his face. I tore my glance away from John and asked "How long does he have?"
"I'm not sure exactly," Carson admitted.
"Ballpark! Months, weeks?," I demanded in a low, sharp voice.
"Days," Carson said very softly. "We have days." My insides clenched at the news and I hastily looked back at John. He appeared to be oblivious to our presence but I wondered if he could hear any of what we were saying.
"OK," Doctor Weir said briskly. "What's the plan?"
"I've injected him with a viral inhibitor," Doctor Beckett offered. "It should slow down the retrovirus as far as his cognitive abilities are concerned, but I'm afraid that's it so far. We're exploring various treatments that may or may not be effective, so ..."
"John doesn't have time for you to explore!" I said heatedly. "Isn't there something in the Ancient database that can help you find a treatment," I demanded impatiently.
"We're doing our best!" Doctor Beckett pointed out. "Anything we do is going to take time."
"I'm sorry, I know," I said apologetically, trying to calm down. "Of course you are." I watched John lying there, apparently starring up at the ceiling.
"You should talk to him," Doctor Beckett said to me. "He's hiding it very well, but if I was him? I'd be scared to death."
Before I could respond John sat up suddenly on the bed, looking toward us with that strange intent expression I'd already seen that day.
"How'm I doin'?" he asked from across the room.
I exchanged an apprehensive glance with Doctor Beckett before walking slowly over to John's bed. I stood there frozen as he looked me up and down, clearly waiting for me to say something.
"Anything that has you speechless has me concerned," John quipped in a voice that lacked that intense edge he'd had earlier.
"You'll be fine," I said bracingly, trying for a reassuring smile.
"Wow," John exclaimed. "That's dead man talk."
"It is not!" I denied hotly.
"Remember this?" John turned his right arm so that I could see the scaly patch had grown and changed to a disgusting spiky looking thing.
"Doctor Beckett will work something out," I insisted.
"I think I already have," John said lightly. "You know who I'm starting to feel like?" He paused for a moment before answering his own question. "Ford."
"What happened to Aiden was completely different," I said firmly.
"I know, I know," John agreed. "Still, I can feel it. I mean, I can feel it changing me inside ... like he did."
"It's just that you're worried,' I offered that as a reason he'd be feeling that way.
"No, no. No, it's ... .uh ...," John paused to think for a moment before continuing. "One of the best weeks of my life was when I got my wisdom teeth out. I was on codeine for a full seven days. This is kinda the same. I know I should be in pain, or at the very least freaked out by this, but hey! I'm not ... and that freaks me out more than anything."
"We're gonna get through this," I sat on the side of his bed and put a hand on his shoulder.
"We're gonna get through this? Doctor Beckett will work something out? You'll be fine?" John repeated all the lame phrases I'd already used in our short conversation. "You really suck at the whole bedside manner thing."
"I do," I agreed in embarrassment.
"But I appreciate the effort," John put a hand over mine and squeezed gently. I smiled genuinely for the first time that day. Settling down at his bedside I resigned myself to letting the experts do their jobs, praying silently that they'd find a solution before it was too late.
Things only got tenser as the day wore on. It hadn't take John long to get frustrated at lying around in an infirmary bed and I had not improved my performance as bedside cheerer upper. Doctor Beckett's nursing staff continually monitored John, checking to see how lucid he was. I wasn't heartened by the realisation that they were continually upping his dose of the inhibitor to keep him at the same level of awareness.
My mind became just slightly easier when Doctor Beckett came back to the infirmary some hours later and hurriedly began packing some things into his kit.
"What's happening?" I moved away from John's bedside to quiz Carson.
"Major Lorne is leading the rest of the Colonel's team to the iratus bug planet,' Carson glanced over at John before speaking very quietly to me. "If we can get some iratus bug stem cells from their eggs we can trick his system into repairing his mutated cells."
"Aren't these bugs really dangerous?" I frowned worriedly.
"Aye," Carson admitted. "We're taking extra backup ... don't worry lass, it's be fine." He patted me on the shoulder before heading to the store room for more supplies.
"Did I hear right?" John asked when I returned to his bed. "Carson's got an idea for how to fix this," he gestured with distaste to his right side.
John kept insisting that physically he was fine ... if you discounted the fact that his appearance was gradually taking on more and more iratus bug characteristics. His right arm was especially obvious - it was completely covered in wrinkly, pimpled bluey coloured scaly skin – even his nails had transformed. The effect now covered his whole right arm, shoulder and up the side of his neck.
"They need to harvest some iratus bug eggs," I couldn't see the point in keeping him in the dark. "Major Lorne is leading the mission."
John nodded thoughtfully but didn't say anything else. When Carson returned to the room John motioned him over.
"Can I get out of here for a while Doc?" he asked in a reasonable tone. "You can assign me an escort ... I've got all this energy pent up and I really need to stretch my legs for a bit."
"I don't see why not,' Doctor Beckett agreed readily. "As long as you take it easy and come back here as soon as you're done."
"Thanks Doc," John sprang up from the bed, motioning for a passing Marine to accompany him out of the infirmary.
He was gone before I realised he hadn't even acknowledged my presence, let alone said goodbye. That set off alarms in my head and after wishing Doctor Beckett good luck for the mission I hurriedly followed John out the door.
It took me just long enough to work out John was headed for Doctor Weir's office to miss the main event. The sound of breaking glass resounded down the corridor and I broke into a run, bursting into the corridor outside Doctor Weir's door in time to see John's Marine escort pointing his weapon straight at John.
"It's OK!," Doctor Weir held up a hand toward the Marine. "Put it down."
The Marine lowered his sidearm as everyone from the Control Room reluctantly went back to their work.
"I'm betting that didn't sell you?" John said softly, unaware that I was standing just outside the door.
"No. No, not really." Doctor Weir agreed.
"I should go back to the infirmary," John put his affected hand back into his pocket.
"Yes," Doctor Weir nodded firmly.
John turned back to the door and noticed me standing there. He looked at the ground shamefully before walking around me and heading off down the corridor, Marine guard still in attendance.
"This is bad, isn't it?" I said to Doctor Weir softly.
"Yes it is," Doctor Weir agreed. "John wanted to go on the mission."
"I thought as much," I replied. "Maybe you should have let him. Physically he's stronger, faster - maybe they'd have a better chance of succeeding if ..."
"He could compromise the mission if his condition changes too rapidly," Dr Weir stated firmly. "It would be irresponsible of me to let him go."
"It's gonna frustrate the hell out of him to sit around waiting while someone else takes all the risks," I pointed out.
"I know," Dr Weir admitted. "We'll just have to make the best out of a bad situation. How're you doing - are you okay?"
"Don't," I held up a hand to stop her, feeling myself skating the edge of tears at her concern. "I don't think I can take any sympathy right now ... gotta be strong for John."
"I understand," Doctor Weir acknowledged. "I hope you know you can talk to me ... if you need to."
I thanked her before turning and quietly leaving the room. I returned to the infirmary only to find that John wasn't there. When I asked one of the nurses where he was she said he'd decided to wait it out in his quarters - under guard of course. Sure that John probably wanted some time alone but worried that he might feel we were abandoning him I left it only an hour or so before heading down to his quarters. I was surprised to find two armed guards outside his door when I arrived.
"Doctor Weir has ordered that no one gets in there," one of the guards informed me.
"But," I thought about arguing but decided instead to talk to Doctor Weir directly.
"Doctor Weir,' I requested her acknowledgement after tapping my earpiece. "This is Sabina."
"Yes Sabina," Doctor Weir replied immediately.
"The guards outside John's room won't let me in," I said. "Can you tell them it's okay for me to go in there?"
"I'm not sure that's wise," Doctor Weir hesitated. "Colonel Sheppard himself ordered the extra guard."
"John needs to know I haven't abandoned him," I pleaded. "The guards are here ... John won't hurt me."
"Okay," Doctor Weir agreed reluctantly. "But only for a few minutes."
"Thank you," I looked over at the guards to make sure they'd heard Doctor Weir. One of them nodded and stepped back so I could go inside.
The room was in darkness and at first I couldn't work out where John was. I moved over to the light.
"Leave it," John's voice echoed harshly in the darkness.
"John?" I called out softly, turning to look for him again. Finally I noticed him sitting on the floor beside his desk.
"It's not safe for you to be here," John had his head turned away from me.
"You wouldn't hurt me," I insisted, walking over to his position.
"I already did," John reminded me of what had happened in the gym earlier that day.
"No you didn't," I denied. I knelt on the floor in front of him and put a hesitant hand on his knee. "How bad is it?"
"I'm turning into a bug!" John jumped up suddenly, knocking me backwards as he strode away. "What do you think?!"
"Are you in pain?" I ignored his outburst. "Do you need anything?"
"You should leave," John insisted again. I got up off the floor and slowly walked towards him. He turned away again and I realised he didn't want me to see him like that.
"I'm not going anywhere," I vowed, trying to pull him to face me.
He jerked away from my hand before rounding on me and getting right up into my face. I didn't flinch, calmly facing him down as I finally got a good look at his appearance. The transformation had travelled as far as his cheekbone and taken on a more Wraith like appearance. His right eye was also now transformed, looking yellow and catlike, again similar to the Wraith.
"It's not that bad,' I lied shamelessly.
"Ha,' John laughed harshly. "You never were very good at lying."
"I know," I agreed. We looked at each other in silence for a few moments.
"Is Beckett back yet?" John finally broke the silence to ask.
"No," I admitted. "The cave is a fair way from the gate so it might take a while."
"If they're not successful I need you to promise me something," John was suddenly much more lucid and I knew he was exerting tremendous control on himself.
"What?" I asked reluctantly, sickly suspecting I knew where this was going.
"I don't want to be a Wraith," John stated the obvious. "If this gets to the stage where Beckett can't find any of the old John Sheppard left, I want you to do the mercy kill." He said it calmly, like he was asking me to go to the shops for some bread.
"NO!" I turned away, feeling the tears I'd been holding at bay brimming in my eyes. "John," I turned back to plead with him. "Don't make me do this ... I don't think I can do this!"
"I don't want you to do it yourself," John put his still somewhat human left hand on my shoulder. "Ronan will do it if you ask ... but you gotta make him understand if the time comes that it's what I want ... promise me!"
I looked at him in torment, stubbornly refusing to answer.
"PROMISE ME!" John yelled, shaking me slightly.
"I promise," I cried, tears streaming down my face. John pulled me into his arms and squeezed me tight. Before I was ready to let go he pushed me away from him.
"Go," he growled.
"I want to stay with you," I sniffed, wiping the tears from my cheeks.
"DON'T ARGUE WITH ME!" John yelled. "I can't control this for much longer - DO WHAT I SAY!"
"ALL RIGHT!" I yelled back. He was still my John so I walked up to him, put my hands on either side of his head and pulled him down for a kiss. He kissed me back fiercely and then pushed me away again, urging me to leave before he lost it.
On the other side of the door I paused, at a loss for what to do next. Hardly aware of the guards I stumbled off towards my quarters to wait for John's team to return.