Chapter 14: You're okay with that?

I threw myself fully dressed onto my bed and lay staring up at the ceiling. My mind was racing with an ever more frightening array of scenarios for how this could end. I felt numb and at a loss, wanting to do something but unable to even keep John company, let alone go out and find him a cure.

Jerked awake only a short time later by the sound of my radio beeping I squinted in the darkness, momentarily wondering where I was. It all came back to me in a sickening rush and I jumped up quickly. Grabbing my earpiece I hastily put it on before tapping it to make contact with Doctor Beckett.

"You're back!" I exclaimed.

"Sabina," Carson said in a serious tone. "You need to get down to the infirmary."

"Okay," I didn't ask why, running as fast as I was able down the corridor.

"Doctor Beckett?" I called as I burst through the infirmary doors.

"Over here," he replied, gesturing me towards a bed that was closed off from the rest of the infirmary. John was lying there completely still, his wrists both covered with the restraints holding him to the bed. His transformation had progressed rapidly since my last sight of him, covering his whole face up to his forehead. When I glanced in question at Doctor Beckett he nodded his permission for me to go in.

"Oh God, John," my hand shook as I hesitantly touched the hair that was still classic John Sheppard. "You didn't get the eggs?" I turned back to Carson with dread.

"No lass," Carson admitted. "The nest was too heavily guarded. And we lost two men in the attempt."

"Oh No," I muttered sickly, knowing that if ... no when ... John came through this the knowledge that his illness had cost two of his men their lives would sit very heavily on his heart.

"I've put the Colonel into a medically induced coma," Dr Beckett continued. "He escaped from his room and Ronan had to stun him to bring him down."

"How long?" I whispered, gazing down at John as I stroked his hair absently.

"Less than 24 hours," Doctor Beckett admitted. "If we don't do something by then, the John Sheppard we know will be gone."

I nodded, unable to bring myself to say anything. Feeling my control slipping and knowing John would hate for me to break down in front of Carson, I turned my face away.

"I ah ... need a moment," I said faintly. "I'm gonna ... walk for a bit. I'll be back soon but call me if ..." I walked away from that unfinished sentence.

Hardly knowing where I was going I ended up at the gym where John and I worked out. I walked inside and spotting the punching bag hanging from the ceiling, decided some physical exertion was exactly what I needed. I slammed that bag so hard I broke the skin on my knuckles but I still kept going. The litany of "no no no" in my head was accompanied by the fast rhythm of punches I dealt out. I was punching erratically in tiredness before I finally gave up. Putting my head against the bag and holding on tight I let loose, harsh wails of despair coupled with a flood of tears. God it was so unfair! My whole life I'd had no one and now, when I'd finally found a place in someone's heart, they were being ripped away from me. My tears were almost spent before I realised I was no longer alone.

"Sheppard wouldn't want you to do this," Ronan said quietly, standing just inside the doorway.

"How long have you been there?" my voice was rough and gravelly from my extended bout of crying.

"Long enough," Ronan stated simply. He moved into the room silently, putting himself just behind me as I stubbornly clung to the punching bag. When he placed a hand on my shoulder I flinched.

"Don't," I ordered, letting go of the bag and putting some distance between us. Ronan stood in the middle of the room, watching me absently touching the equipment as I paced around.

"He wants me to do the mercy kill," I slammed that one into the silence. "Well, actually he wants you to - he wants me to make sure you do it."

"I wondered," Ronan admitted.

"You're okay with that?" I turned to look at him incredulously.

"No," Ronan said simply. "But he's a friend ... he'd do the same for me."

"I don't think I can do this," I finally admitted my weakness. "I don't think I can watch him die like this."

"You can," Ronan contradicted me. "Sheppard loves you ... he needs you to be there."

I started to cry again, leaning my head tiredly against the wall. Ronan approached me slowly, again putting a hand on my shoulder. When I didn't flinch away like before he gently pulled me toward him – slowly my head dropped until I was crying into his chest.

"You're really good at this," I muttered into his shirt when my tears had finally run out.

"Melina, my wife I guess you'd call her, was a nurse," Ronan said softly. "It upset her to lose patients."

"She's the reason you're so driven to defeat the Wraith?" I looked at him in time to see the anguish before he put in back behind his mask.

"Partly," Ronan admitted.

"Then her death wasn't in vain," I leant my head against his shoulder and we remained in companionable silence for a while.

"This is so unfair," my voice echoed harshly in the quiet room.

"It is," Ronan agreed simply. I stepped away from him and dried my face. "Ready?" he asked.

"No," I said, "but I'll do it just the same."

"McKay and Teyla are waiting in the commissary," Ronan put a hand on my elbow to guide me in the right direction. Not sure I really wanted company but feeling too weak to make an issue of it I let Ronan drag me along with him.

Teyla and Rodney were sitting at one of the tables on the balcony surrounding the commissary. Wordlessly I sat next to Teyla, hardly listening as she greeted Ronan and me.

"What did you do to your hands?" Rodney asked in a slightly horrified tone.

I looked down and realised my knuckles were a mess of bruises and drying blood. "Nothing," I said, quickly putting them on my lap under the table.

"You should have Doctor Beckett look at them," Teyla said calmly.

"Of course," I exclaimed angrily, "because a couple of bleeding knuckles are my biggest problem right now!"

Teyla and Rodney exchanged worried glances at my outburst. Before they could say anything else I got up - I'd only been there a few minutes but I just couldn't stand to be around them. "Sorry," I apologised. "I'm not fit company right now ... I'll just -" I broke off and strode from the table before anyone could stop me. I passed Doctor Weir on my way down the corridor but I didn't stop or even acknowledge her.

Realising there was only one place for me to be I made my way back to the infirmary. Doctor Beckett wasn't there so I took my place next to John's bed. I put a hand on his chest, comforted by the feel of his heart beating strongly.

"Sabina," Doctor Beckett ran into the room a few minutes later, followed closely by Doctor Weir. "We've got a plan."

"What is it?" I asked, still keeping one hand on John.

"The Colonel's sweat glands are producing trace amounts of the iratus bug signature pheromone," Carson said. "He should be able to walk right into the cave and collect the eggs we need himself."

"He's not exactly ... up to it anymore," I pointed out.

"True," Beckett agreed. "But I believe if we give him a massive dose of the viral inhibitor, he may be clear-headed enough to complete the mission before we lose him completely."

"Is that safe?" I asked worriedly.

"It's a definite possibility that such a massive dose could kill him," Doctor Beckett admitted. "Even if I knew it would for certain, I'd still be tempted to offer him one last hour of lucidity."

"Do you need my agreement?" I asked Doctor Beckett calmly.

"Not exactly," Doctor Beckett replied. "But you are the closest thing to the Colonel's family and you know better than anyone what he'd want to do."

"He'd want the chance to go out fighting," I was confident that John would have agreed if Doctor Beckett could have asked him directly. "Do it."

Doctor Beckett nodded and went off to get the inhibitor drug ready. He administered it and then stepped back to await John's reaction. John's eyes snapped open suddenly. He looked around him with an expression that made me think he was horrified to find himself still alive and still half Wraith.

"John?" I called for him to look at me. "You're in the infirmary."

"Sorry about the headache," Doctor Beckett said ruefully. "It's a side effect of the inhibitor."

"Did I hurt anyone?" John asked in concern.

"No, not seriously," Doctor Weir reassured him.

"Did Ronon shoot me?" John looked at me in disbelief.

"You had it coming!" I smiled to see that he appeared to be like the John Sheppard we knew.

"Look, we don't have a lot of time," Doctor Weir explained. "This dose of the inhibitor drug will only last about an hour. How would you like to go on a mission?"

John nodded and Doctor Beckett quickly explained about the pheromones protecting him from the bugs in the egg cave. Within minutes John was draped in a hooded cloak ready to be escorted down to the Gateroom. I made to follow but John stopped short and looked at me intently.

"I'm coming with you," I said firmly.

"You're not," John disagreed.

"Please?" I almost begged. "I need to be there ... if ..." I broke off and looked away.

"The drug will wear off," John's voice pleaded for me to understand what he needed. "There's every chance Ronan will have to ... I don't want you ... seeing that." Before I could respond John turned and continued walking down the corridor.

I just stood there watching him walk away from me, wondering if I'd ever see him again. Turning back to see Doctor Weir standing nearby I completely lost it.

"This is insane!" I said harshly, glaring at her. "John is almost beyond help and now you think it's safe for him to go on a mission? If you'd just let him go in the first place when he wanted to he'd be on his way to getting better instead of ..." I trailed off, panting as though I'd sprinted the 100 metres.

"Sabina!" Doctor Weir protested.

"Forget I said that," I mumbled tiredly. "I'll just ..." I gestured vaguely down the corridor.

"I'll let you know as soon as they get back" Doctor Weir promised. I nodded slowly, before turning and walking away. Not knowing where else to go I found myself standing outside John's door. Letting myself in, I walked slowly around the room, lightly touching the things that John held most dear – his surfboard, his skateboard, his Johnny Cash poster – I laughed softly at the thought of what a big kid John was inside. Finally I stretched out on John's bed, rubbing my face into his pillow. But I didn't sleep.

The inhibitor Doctor Beckett had given John was only going to last for around an hour. That hour came and went with no word ... I was just about to storm down to Doctor Weir's office to demand she send another team when John's door chime rang. Jumping off the bed I almost ran to answer the door – standing on the other side was Ronan Dex. I looked at him questioningly, sighing with relief at his silent nod.

"Doctor Beckett said you should come down," Ronan said. I followed him down to the infirmary – it was a bit crowded in there with Colonel Caldwell and Doctor Weir, as well as the rest of team Sheppard in attendance.

"It's not gonna happen overnight -- you can bet on that," Doctor Beckett came out of the screened off area where John was lying unconscious, "but the transformation has begun to reverse itself."

My relief was overwhelming – I caught Carson's eye and smiled my thanks. He put a hand on my shoulder and nodded happily.

"So eventually he'll be back in uniform?" Caldwell asked.

"Eventually," Doctor Beckett confirmed.

"Well done, Carson," Rodney complemented, "for once again elevating medicine to actual science."

"Well, thank you, Rodney!" Carson said with a hint of sarcasm.

"We'll all finally be able to get some sleep," Doctor Weir said in relief. "Keep me posted."

"Aye," Carson agreed, as Doctor Weir and Colonel Caldwell left the room.

"Can I sit with him?" I asked Carson hopefully. I looked over at the others and realised they didn't want to leave either.

"We might, uh ...," Ronan began.

"... stay a while too," Teyla finished.

"Well, if that's alright," Rodney asked, looking at Doctor Beckett hopefully.

"Of course," Carson said easily, before walking away.

It was two weeks before John was cleared to leave the infirmary, although he would have to wait a bit longer before he could return to duty. I had spent plenty of time with him in the infirmary, just sitting quietly in the early days of his recovery and later trying my best to entertain him when boredom threatened to drive him nuts. Both of us had studiously avoided talking about anything that had happened while he'd been sick with the retrovirus.

Once John was released I returned to my usual daily routine. The information about project Imperium was still waiting for me and I was keen to finish translating and analysing the files I'd copied over. I was happily tapping away one afternoon when I sensed his presence. Looking up I saw John leaning in the doorway, watching me.

"You okay?" I asked in greeting.

"Yeah," John said distractedly. "Listen, I spent a lot of time thinking about what happened while I was sick ... I don't remember everything but there are a couple of things I should apologise for."

"There's no need," I said quickly, not wanting to talk about it.

"Sabina, please," John took a few steps until he was standing in front of my chair. Crouching down beside me, he spun my chair around and put a hand on each of the chair arms, boxing me in.

"I'm sorry for what happened in the gym," John said softly.

"You weren't yourself," I excused his uncharacteristic behaviour. "As soon as I knew you were infected by the retrovirus I knew that ... I wouldn't have come to see you in your room if I'd believed that it was really you."

"Thank you," John said. He reached out a hand and lightly traced across my knuckles where the evidence of my attack on the punching bag had all but faded. "Ronan told me what happened," John admitted.

"I would have done what you asked," I said, feeling the tears rising to the surface again – it seemed I had not yet done quite enough crying over the incident. 'I would have cursed you the whole time and hated you forever for making me do it, but I would have followed through." I gave a watery laugh. I reached up to wipe the tears from my face but John beat me to it – putting his hands on either side of my face in a parody of how he'd held me during that aggressive kiss he drew his thumbs under my eyes softly, before leaning in and kissing me tenderly.

"I'm sorry I asked so much of you," John apologised, leaning his forehead against my own. "It was unfair ... I don't know if I'd been in my right mind under similar circumstances whether I would have asked you to go that far."

"No," I disagreed. "It wasn't unfair. I would have done anything to save you ... but I couldn't have stood by and watched you suffer. You have to know that I would always respect your wishes even if it meant ... you know ..." I trailed off, looking away as I tried to reign in my emotions again.

"I do love you," John's voice rang with sincerity. "You're smart and honest, not to mention pretty damn sexy," John smiled before adding "... but most of all you're strong, deep down where it counts."

"Yeah, well I'd expect you to do the same for me," I shifted uneasily, not exactly comfortable with the highly emotional tone of the conversation.

"You wanna go for a walk," John asked, rising and holding his hand out to me.

"Sure," I put my hand in his and let him draw me from my chair. John put an arm around me as we walked to the door – just before we stepped through the doorway I pulled him to a halt. "I ... ah ... love you too," I said, realising that it was the first time I'd said those words since I'd yelled them at him after the Wraith siege.

"I know," John grinned smugly. He drew me back to his side, hugging me close as we continued our walk. That was when I relaxed inside, when I finally believed that John really was back.

Authors Note:

Phew! Glad that's over ... hope I did what was an excellent dramatic episode justice. Next up is Aurora ... another great episode! I'll edit and post the next chapter tomorrow.