***Disclaimer: Own nothing. Wouldn't mind having Gibbs around for a while. I'd pay to watch the man sleep.
At home, in her own bed, Lizzy finally relaxed. She had fought and fought to get out of that hospital. She had not even waited for the discharge instructions or the pain medicine. There wasn't a medicine in the world save for death that could take her pain away. Because the pain wasn't physical. Sure, she had needed stitches and a sling and tons of gauze and bandages. The bruises on her face and neck were angry and swollen. But her mind ached for different reasons than her body. Her pain went deeper than she ever thought a human was capable of feeling. She had made it through this same pain once before but it had taken 10 years to get over. But this time it was her fault. She had made the decision to pull the trigger. It was the right decision at the time. She hadn't exactly had time to weigh the options, think it through. She hadn't counted on the extensive blood loss. She hadn't counted on loss, period. But it had come. She knew that she had to tell Gibbs. It was her obligation. It was his right to know. But Gibbs was not around. Since that day, since that moment when the trigger was pulled, he had been lost to her. She had made it quite clear that she hadn't wanted visitors, at least not at the hospital. She didn't want anyone to see her collapse. To see her at a loss. Maybe he didn't need to know, she thought. Her secret would be safe. Ziva was the only other person that knew. It would be safe. Ziva had understood and asked no questions. Maybe she wouldn't tell Gibbs. It seemed kind of pointless now.
Lizzy was tired. Tired of staying in bed all day. Tired of everyone calling to check on her. Tired of being home. Without him. It seemed like in the split second, the millisecond it took to pull that trigger, the world stopped. She thought it had stopped when Gibbs had refused to pull his trigger but it actually came to a screeching halt when she had pulled hers. She had not expected him to come to the hospital. She hadn't expected a phone call but two weeks later, she was wondering if she still even existed in his mind. Maybe it had all been a dream. Maybe a nightmare, meant to torture. For three months she had had him. All to herself. The man. The myth. The legend. And she had enjoyed every last second. It wasn't love. No, not love but… but… If she was totally honest with herself there wasn't a word in the English dictionary that described what they had. She looked at the clock on the bedside table. Seven. In the morning. Usually she would just be finishing her run to be in the office by eight. Of course on Gibbs days, they stayed in bed until the last possible second before racing in, right on time. She smiled when she thought about the mornings Gibbs had been late. Gibbs was never late.
It was then that she decided. Pain or no pain, she was going back to work. Sitting around feeling sorry for herself had worked for a while but it was bordering on insanity. She showered, changed the dressing on her wound, dressed and slowly made her way to the car. She knew she would be stuck answering phones and cleaning up two weeks worth of paperwork but she couldn't take another day behind the walls of her house. Walls that seemed to close in a little more each day. The walls that screamed at her because they knew everything, saw everything. They knew her secret.
The elevator doors opened and Lizzy stepped back into her home. She stood for a minute, taking in the sounds, wondering why she had stayed away this long. She looked up to see a Nerf football come flying at her. She caught it at her chest and smile. So much for a grand entrance, she thought.
"And the one armed man returns…" Tony said as he stood and met her as she walked onto the bullpen. She handed him his football and smiled.
"She is a woman, Tony, really," Ziva said shaking her head.
"Ziva. The Fugitive? TV series then movie? Harrison Ford, Tommy Lee Jones? How many times do we have to go over this?" Tony looked almost hurt as he spoke.
The elevator pinged again and McGee stepped out carrying a tray full of coffee. He walked slowly to where they stood.
"Lizzy?" McGee said as Ziva and Tony both took their drinks from the carrier. "What are you doing back? I thought you couldn't come back for another two weeks."
"Well… the doctor… cleared me."
"Really?" McGee said as he set Gibbs coffee on his desk.
"Ummm… sure," Lizzy said as she moved to her desk, dropping her pack on the floor and dropping into her seat. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, she thought, pain washing over her as she sat. She shifted to find a comfortable position but there was none. So she stood and looked around. "Gibbs?" she asked to no one in particular.
"MTAC. Toothpick. National security," Tony said without even looking up from his computer.
Lizzy just nodded. She stepped over to Gibbs desk and picked up his coffee cup. Just like old times she thought. She caught Ziva watching her. She could read concern in her eyes. Lizzy just shook her head, hoping that the other woman would understand that she was fine. Or at least giving the performance of a lifetime to make it look that way. She again sat in her chair and tapped her computer to life. She knew that her report, though late, was expected. Having to remember every detail, every nuance of the day… She had relived it over and over in her mind, day after day. Nothing about it changed. Not the way she had cleared first the right then the left. Not the way Gibbs had looked at her when he hesitated. Not the thoughts that had run through her mind when she fired the gun against herself. She began typing, slow at first, and quicker as the memories came back to her. She didn't notice the man on the balcony. She didn't feel the icy blues staring at her, willing her to look up. She didn't see him walk down the stairs and she definitely did not notice him as he walked to her desk.
He had stood on the balcony, watching her. Her hair was down. That was the only thought processing in his mind. Her hair, the same hair his face had been buried in, that had splayed across his chest, had twisted around his fingers… He couldn't believe she was back already. He had sent specific orders for her to take her three weeks, more if she needed. He wasn't ready for her to be back. He had stayed away from her on purpose. Because his feelings for her had almost cost her Lizzy her life. He gripped the railing tighter, the blood draining out of them. He needed more time. More time to figure this out. He had sanded parts of his boat down to toothpicks thinking about her. Every time he closed his eyes it was a different image. The way she looked in the morning when she first woke up. The way her body moved as she worked on his boat. The way her satin skin felt against his. He remembered her lips, the way she would tease a kiss out of him. He remembered her nails as they left marks up and down his back. He remembered her legs wrapping around his waist in bed, in the shower, in the garage, in the kitchen…He took a deep breath and started down the stairs. She wasn't going to like him very much after this.
"I thought I told you to stay home," Gibbs said, as he stood looking down at her.
Lizzy looked up from her computer, not entirely liking the tone of Gibbs voice. She stood slowly, pain shooting through her body. Standing at her full height, she met his eyes. For once, she knew what he was thinking. And she didn't like it.
"You didn't tell me anything, Agent Gibbs. You sent a message. I don't take orders from messenger boys."
"We need to talk."
There, he had said it. The famous talk. He could feel the eyes of Tony, Ziva, and McGee boring holes into his back. They could feel the tension. Hell, probably anyone within a 5 mile radius could feel it, taste it.
"So talk," Lizzy said, her gaze never wavering.
"In the conference room. Now."
"No."
"No?"
"Check the battery in the hearing aid, Gibbs. I didn't stutter."
Damn. He'd never seen her mad. Pissed maybe but never mad. Angry. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, he thought.
"I wasn't asking you to go to the conference room, Agent Edwards. I was telling."
Tony and Ziva exchanged glances and McGee shifted uncomfortably in his chair. The tension just kept building.
"Whatever you have to say, you can say right here. If it's such a personal matter, you should have made a personal visit," Lizzy said as she leaned across her desk, invading Gibbs personal space.
He never flinched. He never backed up. He leaned forward until there was barely inches between them. His voice was low.
"This isn't going to work Lizzy," Gibbs said as searched her eyes for an immediate reaction. He didn't get one.
"This?"
"Us."
She pulled back and stood. "This is my Dear John letter?"
That got the attention of the rest of the team, as they peeked their heads around their computers.
"The cat died, Lizzy. Deal with it."
Tony looked at Ziva. Ziva looked at Tony. The cat? they mouthed to each other. Gibbs started to walk away as Lizzy rounded the corner of her desk. She reached out with her good arm and grabbed him by the back of the jacket. She spun him around in the niddle of the bullpen and stepped once again into his personal bubble. She was pressed against him. Chest to chest. His mind started screaming at him to reconsider. She was too close. He had to get away. The bathroom, the lab, autopsy. Anywhere but here. He started to back away but she grabbed him again. Grabbed him by the lapels of his jacket. They both flashed back to her boat. But she wouldn't let him go. She pulled him back to her. Her eyes met his.
"No."
"No?"
"No I will not deal with it. You want to leave me? Then you leave me because of this," and she pressed her hand to his chest first, then hers, then back to his.
They had the attention of not only the bullpen now but of the entire NCIS. But she didn't care. She didn't care if they were broadcasting over the internet, through MTAC…
"You leave me because this passion, this intensity, this power no longer gets you off. You don't leave me because you don't have the balls to do your job."
Gibbs voice raised only slightly when he spoke.
"I did my job."
"No Gibbs, you hesitated. And everyone there that day knows it. You failed your team, you failed yourself," she paused and stepped back to look at him, "and you failed me.
He said nothing as he grabbed her arm and attempted to lead her to the elevator. She stood her ground, unmoving, unflinching.
"I meant what I said, Gibbs. I lost a lot that day, but I sure as hell didn't expect to lose you, too," she said as he walked to the elevator without her. He stepped into the elevator and the doors closed.
A/N: Few more chapters and the cat will have officially been killed.