Chapter 6: Pretending
Her partner, the normally one sane person in her otherwise chaotic life, thought he was in love with her. Had he completely lost his mind? She wasn't lovable. Hell, she wasn't even all that likable! She stared at him, stifling the urge to reach over and shake him until he admitted he was wrong.
Until he admitted he wasn't in love with her.
He obviously wasn't thinking straight. He couldn't feel that way about her; he just couldn't. He knew everything about her: all the neuroses, the emotional baggage, the less-than-endearing personality traits. He knew all her secrets too, even the ones she really wished he didn't. No sane man would want to come near her knowing all that...
She idly wondered why the men in her life all eventually wound up thinking they were in love with her. She could sort of understand how some of her past conquests might have felt that way. All they'd ever seen of her was what she wanted them to see. In their eyes, she must have seemed like the perfect girlfriend: never nagging, never wanting to discuss her feelings, and always up for a good time. In the end, was it really all that surprising they'd fallen for her?
Marshall, though, really ought to know better. By all rights, he should be running away from her, screaming; not standing by her side, professing his love...
He was obviously confused, mistaking friendship & physical attraction for something more. She was just going to have to show him that he was wrong, that his being in love with her was simply... not possible...
Everything would be okay once he realized she was right, that he didn't – couldn't – feel that way about her. Once he did admit he was wrong, they could go back to their lives, putting all this nonsense behind them, and she could go on pretending nothing had changed, that her best friend was still just her best friend...
"Mary?"
She looked up, startled. She'd been so busy trying to convince herself her partner wasn't in love with her that she'd failed to notice he had finally stopped talking and was now looking at her curiously.
"You're not thinking straight," she blurted out without thinking. "You can't be in-"
She stopped short, realizing too late that her partner still didn't have a clue he'd admitted to being in love with her.
"I can't be in what?" he asked, a speculative expression on his face.
She squirmed under his gaze, silently cursing herself for not thinking this through. She now saw that, had she only kept quiet, her partner might have never realized what he'd said. They could have gone back to their blissfully unaware lives, only slightly worse for wear. But now, thanks to her big mouth, he'd find out what had happened.
He'd find out she knew how he felt.
She couldn't let that happen. This was her chance to sweep this whole mess under the carpet, where she wouldn't have to deal with any of it, and she wasn't about to let it go to waste.
She racked her brain, furiously looking for a way out of her current predicament. She only knew she had to end this conversation now, before she dug herself into an even deeper hole. If she could only get them back in the truck and on their way home to Albuquerque...
She stole a quick glance at her partner, knowing he was trying to puzzle out what she'd been about to say. It was only a matter of time before he figured it out, too, with that smart brain of his. Damn, what she wouldn't do for a dim-witted partner right about now...
She fought to remain calm, knowing this was not the time to panic. She just need to distract him somehow, to get him off this track, and she needed to do it now...
"Sorry," she managed to say in a voice that almost sounded normal. "I have no idea where I was going with that. I'm a little dim right now, what with the long day, the lack of caffeine, and all the excitement..."
Not the most original of excuses, but it had gotten her out some uncomfortable spots in the past, so it might work.
Maybe.
"So," she continued, "do you think you could just take me home? I'm really sorry I dragged you out here in the first place. I'll make it up to you somehow, I promise, but right now, all I want is to crawl into bed and sleep for a few hours..."
She threw a jaw-unhinging yawn in for good measure. Never let it be said she did things half-assed...
When a full minute passed without any any further questions, she started to think she might actually be able to pull this off. Time to get this show on the road. Literally...
"Great. I'm so tired I might collapse right here by the side of the road if we don't get going," she added for good measure, as she started to make her way to the passenger side of the truck.
"What gave me away?" her partner asked as he stepped in front of her, effectively blocking her escape route.
So much for her clean getaway... Still, she was loath to give up when freedom lay so close at hand...
"What? I... I don't know what you're talking about."
Playing dumb had also served her well in the past, so she figured it was worth a shot...
"Come on, Mare. I know you. I've spent the last few years watching you run away whenever some poor schmuck tried to get close to you. You always get that same look, like you're trapped and you're willing to chew off your own foot rather than stay and deal with the issue at hand. You have that look right now, and I don't think it's because I kissed you. Or at least it's not just because I kissed you. So... What gave me away? I said something, didn't I..."
"Don't do this, Marshall."
"I've come this far," he shrugged. "Can't stop now."
"Please," she begged, "let's just forget about this and go home..."
"No amount of pretending is going to make this go away."
"We could try..."
"I'm sorry, but I just..." He paused, obviously struggling to find the right words. "I'm done pretending. It's exhausting, and I just can't do it anymore. And while this is definitely not how I had planned to tell you..."
"Don't-"
"... at least now you know."
"Marshall-"
"I'm in love with you. Do you honestly think that's going to go away just because you refuse to acknowledge it?"
"I was kind of hoping it would, yeah."
"Sorry."
"If you were really sorry, you'd take it back."
"Even if I could take it back, I wouldn't."
"I know," she admitted, knowing it was true, which just made her feel all the more trapped. She didn't want this, any of this. She didn't want things to change.
Why was he doing this to her?
"Look, I know this is huge, and I really am sorry I sprang it on you like this, but you are going to have to deal with it. We are going to have to deal with it."
"What if I don't want to deal with it?" she asked petulantly, not caring that she was being childish. Damn him for forcing her into a position she didn't want to be in. Why couldn't he leave her alone? Why couldn't he let her pretend, just a little while longer?
"I don't see that you really have a choice," he replied gently, refusing to rise to the bait. "You'll have to talk to me eventually, unless you're planning on avoiding me for the rest of your life..."
"Jesus, Marshall..."
She took a deep breath, feeling the anger drain away. This wasn't his fault, she knew. She was the emotionally stunted half of this team, not him. He had every right to express his feelings, even if she really didn't want him to...
"I'm sorry..." she apologized, "I'm not any good at this... I just... I can't..."
"Is my being in love with you really such a horrible thing?" he asked softly, throwing her for another loop.
She hesitated, not because she didn't know the answer, but because she knew it would cause him pain.
Which really only served to prove her point.
This – they – simply could never be...