***Chapter 12

She hit the pause button on the stereo and leaned her back against the workbench.

"Dear John letters don't usually have a P.S. at the end," she said, breaking the silence as she stared at him across the sawhorses.

"Didn't come to give you one."

She raised an eyebrow, her gaze unflinching. She pushed away from the table and slowly walked around to stand in front of him. He lifted his hand from his side and pushed a sweatshirt at her.

"You left this."

She looked at the shirt. Her Redskins hoodie. She had figured it for gone or destroyed. She took it from him and laid it across the wood next to her.

"I suppose you want your shirt back, then?"

He didn't answer quick enough and he hadn't even noticed the shirt she had on. It was his, of course. Black with 'Semper Fi' emblazoned across the front. She crossed her arms in front of her and grabbed the bottom edge of the shirt. She took it slowly over her head. She knew the reaction she would get. It would be pure lust. Then he would notice the bruises and lust would quickly fall away. She had a simple white bra on underneath. Wal Mart was good for simple. But it didn't matter. She got the reaction she wanted. She heard his quick intake of breath, his chest rising and falling faster as his pulse quickened. He still wanted her as much as she wanted him. She had just wanted to prove her theory… She felt his gaze rake across her skin as she moved to pull her sweatshirt on. He didn't stop her. But he did step closer. He lifted the bottom of her shirt only slightly. Just enough to see the bruises that splayed across her pelvis. He touched them gently and this time she gasped.

All Gibbs had seen was her naked skin. And then the bruises. His arousal had lasted only seconds. He hadn't realized the extent of her injuries. Pain stabbed his heart. He should have come sooner. He should have been man enough to talk to her. He had come over tonight to… to… return her sweatshirt. To finish the conversation he had started in the bullpen. To run his hands across the smooth expanse of her stomach. To kiss her neck until there was a mark that claimed her as his. He still wanted her. He knew it. She knew it. But the look in her eyes as he leaned down to claim her lips gave him chills. And not the good kind. He kissed her with all the intensity that was in his body. With the passion that was hers and hers alone. The passion that he had given to no other woman save for Shannon. Her mouth was hot under his. Her lips were soft under hisbruising kiss. He knew he was being rough but he needed her to know what was inside of him . The words that he couldn't speak. He apologized with this kiss. She felt it. All of it. But forgiveness was not going to come so easily.

She slowly pulled away from the kiss, but not from him. She met his eyes and saw the desire that made them even bluer than the oceans. She knew that desire. She had felt that desire. Matter of fact, that desire was poking her in the leg at that very moment. And that's when she almost broke. She almost caved. Knowing that no matter what words might have come out of his mouth, his body couldn't lie. She ached to be with him tonight. In his bed. In her bed. His arms wrapped around her tightly. The kisses on her neck that were always her undoing. The ones he was pressing on her nape right now. She pushed away but he held her to him. He held her as if the world was going to end. As if this was the end for them. He found her mouth again, this time softly, lightly. She pushed away again and he relented. She stepped back and put her hands on her hip, looking down. She shook her head.

"This isn't going to work," she said as her eyes met his.

"Isn't that my line?" he said, attempting to bring some humor to the moment.

"I mean it, Jethro. We can't do this."

"Do what?"

"This."

"You lost me," he said shaking his head and reaching out his hand to her.

"Yeah. I did," she said quietly. "Large time."

He gave a small smile at her reference to Ziva's American idiom. But he watched her face as she moved back around to the workbench. He watched emotions flit across it and saw the pain finally surface.

"You can't keep flipping the switch, Jethro."

"Didn't think I was."

"You haven't been wearing your glasses lately have you?"

"My glasses?"

"Yea. Your glasses. Because maybe if you'd been wearing them you'd have seen this hot and cold game you've been playing. Hindsight is 20/20 you know."

" I don't play games."

"Then explain it to me. Explain this love 'em and leave 'em routine you've got going here."

Gibbs shifted uncomfortably as he stood staring at the woman that he needed so desperately. He had come to fix what he had done and here they were arguing again. He knew he was a bastard but…why was she being so difficult? They had never argued before. They appreciated each other. They recognized what made the other strong and more importantly what made the other weak. He met her eyes as she spoke again.

"You left me, remember? You did this."

"Not without help I didn't."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean," she said, her voice rising.

He took a deep breath and let it out. "I didn't tell you to shoot yourself."

"Well you sure as shit weren't going to do it."

"I shouldn't have needed to do it. You let yourself become a hostage. You were trained better than that. You're a better agent than that."

"I let myself get taken hostage? I think bastard would be a little redundant at this point, don't you think?"

He stared at her. She met his gaze and he saw the fire in them begin to spark.

"You know what?" she said coming to stand in front of him. He raised an eyebrow but never spoke.

"You're right."

"I'm right?" he said, trying to hide his surprise. He was always right, he knew, but seldom did anyone ever admit it to him.

"I am a better agent than that," she said, lowering her voice slightly. "I actually let myself get taken hostage so you would be forced to hesitate. Then I would be forced to shoot myself. Then you would be forced to leave me. I devised this whole thing just to let you down easy."

"You think this is easy?" he said, his eyes beginning to match hers.

"Well it sure as hell doesn't look hard from where I'm standing."

"Look harder."

"I have been looking harder, Gibbs. And you know what I realized?"

He shrugged his shoulders.

"That I compete with ghosts."

He stared at her. "Ghosts?"

"Jenny."

She saw him draw a quick breath. He didn't know she knew.

"And Kate."

Kate. His Katie girl. That one had been a secret too. Polaroids flashed in his mind. Kate's eyes, melted chocolate. The dimple when she gave him that smile. The other dimple that just happened to be right next to her infamous tattoo. The way she looked after a night spent pressed against him, her naked form so smooth against his. And look how it had ended. And Lizzy wondered why he had to stop this thing.

"And Shannon."

The pain in his heart all of a sudden grew worse with the mention of her name. Strawberry hair, tall and beautiful, loving. She still affected him. She still owned him. And for now, she still owned his heart.

"I compete with ghosts," Lizzy repeated. "Every moment, every second that we're together. Every thought you have of me is compared with one of them."

And for that he had no response. He knew she was right. The women that he had lost would always be compared with the ones standing in front of him. It wasn't an intended action. His brain acted almost of its own volition and he was powerless to stop it. Or maybe he didn't want to.

"I…I don't… I don't know what…" he said but couldn't finish.

"Gibbs," she said reaching down to take his hand in hers. Their fingers interlocked and she squeezed it tightly. "I want to be a part of your life. Even a small part, but I will not, I refuse to be, second in your life. I want to come first. Right now I'm at least fourth on the list."

She was right again. Damn, he hated admitting that. He had put the others before her. There was no way to take it back. No way to change the way his mind filtered memories. Those months, weeks, days, hours, seconds…The time that they had spent together. He wanted to redo those moments with her but knew that nothing would change. He would still act the same, react the same, and push her away the same way. He felt her squeeze his hand again.

"Thanks for bringing my sweatshirt."

"Yea."

She looked up at him. She felt the tears coming and didn't want him to be around when they fell. She found his eyes and wondered if any of this was actually affecting him. Her brain screamed at her to let him stay. To make him stay. But she couldn't. She couldn't risk the possibility of another Bruce Willis induced gun battle. That's when he would leave her again. He made that rule #12 because he had known. He had known first hand how it would affect them and yet… and yet he had risked it all anyway. To be with her. To feel that insane sensation of falling, falling… to have someone there…

He looked down at her and realized that he'd be sleeping in his own bed tonight. Alone. He knew it was his fault. He also knew that no amount of words would bring the warmth back to him at night. He had to find a way to break away from the demons. He needed to keep the good memories for a bad day and make new ones with Lizzy. But the faces haunted him. He had loved them. All of them. Loved each one differently. And now they were all keeping him from happiness. Funny how the happiest times of your life could keep you from actually being happy. He leaned down to kiss her and she met him halfway. She raised her arms around his neck as he pulled her closer. She gave a whimper as he deepened the kiss. She let him explore her mouth until tears reached her eyes. She couldn't take it any longer and broke away. She turned away quickly and wiped her eyes on the sleeve of her hoodie. She walked to the workbench, never turning around.

"Work? Tomorrow?"

"Yea."

He walked out the side door of the garage, pulling it shut behind him. She didn't relax until she heard the click of the doorknob. She reached over and hit the play button and cranked the volume until her thoughts were washed away by the words. She shook her head at the irony of the song. It was almost comical if she wasn't so damn miserable.

***

A/N: So if anybody was wondering what the songs were on Lizzy's 'life is shitty because of men' cd, here is the playlist.

Let Me Go – 3 Doors Down8.) After All – Saving Abel

Better Than Me – Hinder9.) Addicted – Saving Abel

Lips of an Angel – Hinder10.) Wherever You Will Go – The Calling

Collide – Howie Day11.) Pain – 3 Days Grace

You and Me – Lifehouse12.) Here Without You – 3 Doors Down

All I Need – Mat Kearney13.) When I'm Gone – 3 Doors Down

Hate That I Love You – Rhianna