Chapter 8: Telling a Lie
She stood rooted to the spot, staring at her partner in disbelief. In retrospect, she realized she should have seen this coming; god knew anyone else would have. Then again, not everyone one was as skilled as she was when it came to ignoring the obvious...
Are you in love with me?
What the hell kind of question was that, anyway? Didn't he know that wasn't something you could just ask someone? It was supposed to be something you volunteered, not something you were forced to admit to under duress!
She stifled the urge to bash her head against the nearest hard surface, if only to delay having to make a decision. She didn't know what to do, what to say.... The only thing she did know was that she couldn't answer his question; then again, she couldn't not answer it either.
She sighed, knowing she couldn't stall much longer. If she'd learned anything about her partner tonight, aside from the whole 'I'm in love with you' thing, it was that he wasn't going to let her off the hook. He'd just keep at her until she caved in and she gave him what he wanted.
Still, telling him the truth certainly wasn't an option...
"Marshall-"
"You agreed, Mare," he reminded her. "Just this one question."
"I can't-" she said, stubbornly shaking her head.
"Yes, you can. Either you are, or you're not."
"It's not that simple!" she barked at him, exasperated. Didn't he understand what he was asking her to do? No matter what she said, no matter what her answer was, things would change. She didn't want change, damn it! She liked things the way they were now!
"Yeah, it is," he said, interrupting her thoughts. "Just tell me how you feel. Don't over-think it."
"Damn it, Marshall, don't push me!"
"I'll stop as soon as you answer my question."
"Fine! I don't know how I feel about you, all right? I just don't know!"
"Yes, you do," he replied calmly, refusing to let her mounting agitation get to him.
"Oh my god, will you stop it with the Zen crap?! You're driving me insane!"
"Zen crap?" he repeated, looking mildly amused.
What was wrong with him? Her world was crashing down around her, and he was just standing there, looking all peaceful and... well, 'happy' probably wasn't the right term, given everything, but it was pretty damn close... She stifled the urge to smack him, just to wipe that look off his face. Why should she be the only one miserable?
"How the hell can you be so calm about all this?" she asked through clenched teeth, trying very hard to remind herself that this was Marshall – her partner & best friend – and that beating him to a bloody pulp really wouldn't solve anything.
"I've just had more time to get used to the idea, I guess," he said, shrugging as if it was no big deal. "Look, I get that this is scary. No matter which way it goes, things are probably going to get messy."
"Then don't-"
"Not an option," he said, cutting her off. "Please, Mary... Are you in love with me?"
"I don't know!"
"That's a cop-out. And you don't do cop-outs."
"But-"
"Yes-"
"I can't-"
"Or no."
"Marshall-"
"One single word, Mare. Can't get much simpler than that."
"All right!" she snapped, no longer caring about the consequences. She just wanted to go home and pretend none of this had ever happened. Was that really too much to ask? "You want an answer, Marshall," she continued, "well, here it is... No, I'm not in love with you. Are you happy, now? Is that what you wanted to know?!"
"Yeah, I guess it was..."
Something about his tone of voice cut through her anger, bringing home the enormity of what she'd just done.
"Oh god, Marshall... I'm sorry... I didn't mean to-"
"I wanted an answer," he said, his voice now flat and emotionless. "You gave me one."
"I know, but-"
"I'm fine," he insisted, though she could tell he was anything but. "You did your part. Now I need to do mine."
"Marshall-" she started, once again trying to explain.
"I just need some time, all right?"
"But-"
"I promised we'd go on, no matter what, and we will. I just can't..." He paused, struggling to find the right words. "I'm not ready to do that just yet, so please... Just let it go for now..."
"I can't-"
"Yes, you can. This is what you wanted... For me to stop, to leave it alone... To leave you alone..."
"I know, but-"
"Once I've had time to regroup, I'll be fine. We'll be fine."
She desperately wanted to believe him, but one look at his face told her it wasn't going to happen. No matter how much he wanted it to be true, things could never be the same.
Even if he could get past it, she knew she wouldn't be able to. It wasn't so much finding out that he was in love with her – she was pretty sure she could explain that away if she tried hard enough, thanks to her awesome powers of denial. No, the real problem was that he'd forced her to take a hard look at herself, and at how she felt about him... No amount of denial was ever going to make that go away...
"Come on," he said tiredly, climbing back into the SUV, "let's just go home..."
"All right," she agreed, feeling numb, not knowing what else to do.
I'm so sorry, Marshall...
She hadn't meant to hurt him; she'd just wanted to escape. Why couldn't he have just left well enough alone? None of this would have happened if he'd just let her go...
She sighed, knowing it wasn't really his fault. All he'd wanted was an honest answer out of her so he'd know where he stood. She was the one who'd gone on the attack, like she always did, badly hurting her him in the process. This was on her, not him...
She didn't know how she was going to fix this – didn't even know for sure she could fix it – but she sure as hell was going to try.
I'll make it up to you somehow, I promise...
The ride home was conducted in silence, leaving her plenty of time to think about what she'd done, and strengthening her resolve to fix things between them.
For once in her life, she wasn't going to run away...