***Chapter 19

She wasn't sure how to go about starting any conversation with Gibbs at this point, much less a conversation about their future. Or more to the point – their past. She took a deep breath and contemplated the iridescent blue that was his eyes. She wondered if his thoughts matched any part of hers.

He wondered if he should begin. If he should be the one to jump in and say the scary words. Problem was, they were all scary, every last one of them – just like his rules. Course at this point, they were more of guidelines than actual rules with consequences. Ok, wait, he thought. They all had consequences. He shook his head. His train of thought had derailed at the wrong station again. He snapped back to reality when he realized she had said his name and by the look on her face, she had said it more than once.

"Gibbs," she said, reaching over to grasp the front of his t-shirt in her hand.

"Edwards," he said as she pulled him and the shirt closer until their faces were inches apart. The staring contest began and neither flinched but staring down Gibbs was like staring down a bulldog. Easily discussed, rarely acted upon. He watched the blue in her eyes change colors. From dark to light to somewhere in between. She let go of his shirt and gave him a playful shove backwards. He recovered and very quickly and very efficiently, maneuvered himself behind her, squeezing her gently and placing a small kiss behind her ear.

"I'm sorry, Lizzy," he whispered.

In that moment, the earth turned on its axis. She knew that Gibbs rarely apologized. Not so much a rule as a directive. But between friends and lovers, there was an exception. Forgiveness probably did not come easy to the man behind her. She could tell – after 3 years of friendship and 3 months of whispers beneath the covers – she could tell that he hadn't even forgiven himself for all the wrongs that he felt he could have prevented. So this admission was new to him too. It showed acceptance. But acceptance of what?

"I'm sorry," he repeated, louder this time.

"I know," she said.

"I wanted this one to be different… It felt different."

"For me too…,"she said, shifting slightly and leaning her head against his chest. "The baby was definitely a surprise, though."

"Surprise?"

"For lack of a better word, yes, surprise."

"You should have told me, Lizzy. You should have come to me."

"So you could what? Fix it? Tell me to walk it off? Or dump me? Oh wait. You already did that," she said, sarcasm thickening her voice.

"Liz, I said I was sorry."

"And I know you are but there were perfectly good reasons why I kept it from you, Gibbs."

"Reasons? Sure. Good reasons? I doubt it," he said, a note of sarcasm now creeping into his words.

"Jethro, the mere idea of a baby at three months into any relationship would be considered an intrusion. And you are definitely a man who does not enjoy intrusions into his personal space."

"A baby is not an intrusion," Gibbs said, his voice hardening slightly.

"Maybe intrusion is the wrong word but still…" she said, her words trailing off. She had felt his body tense behind her as the conversation went on. She took his hands, laced her fingers through his and wrapped them around her waist as she spoke.

"I took the advice of the doctor, Gibbs, when he told me to wait out the first trimester to make sure there were no complications. My body turned against me last time. I didn't want a repeat."

"But you didn't have to go through it alone," he said his voice wavering only for a second.

"No I didn't. And that's something we either have to get past or let it be the reason we don't make it. The doctor said I had three months. That meant that either I had 3 months to figure out how you and I would make this work or three months to decide how to let you go."

"But you made that decision alone, Liz. You didn't even ask me," he said, his voice almost a growl.

At his words, she pulled away from him. She stood and began to pace in front of him.

"You're a goddamn hypocrite," she blasted at him. "You're damn right I didn't ask you. Did you ask me when you made the decision to dump me?"

"Dammit, Kate, you deserve better than me," he said loudly, running his fingers through his silver hair.

Time stood still as his words echoed across the room and reverberated in her mind.

"I'm not Kate," she said slowly, her pacing stopped completely now. "I'm Lizzy."

Her words threw him. Had he really called her Kate? He had apparently. But the situations were so similar. Even though one woman could not have been more different than the other, he still felt the old guilt returning. That they both deserved more than he could give them.

And while his words should have cut through her like a knife, she understood. For all that she didn't understand about him, this she understood. She knew that he must've said those words a thousand times to Kate, half of which he probably never voiced. She wondered how many times he had said them to her in his head.

"Lizzy, I –," he started but she hushed him.

"No explanation."

He sat back, defeated. She came to sit next to him on the couch. The fight not forgotten but put on hold. She lifted her hand to rub his back.

"Sometimes Gibbs….," she said reaching from his back to lift her hand to his chin, turning his face to hers, choosing her words carefully.

"Sometimes love, like curiosity, doesn't give a person what they deserve… but what they need."

His eyes fixed on hers, slanting slightly, trying to interpret her words. Love. She had said love. And need. And God how he needed her. But that's not what her words had meant. She told him that even if he was not what she deserved, he was what she needed. That he was good for her. Right for her. Perfect for who she was. And he needed her in the same capacity but in a strange way, he felt that he didn't deserve her. That all the wrong in his life should prevent him from having what his heart needed, wanted, deserved and desired. But he had moved past this, he thought. He had spent days, hours, minutes, and seconds fighting the ghosts that had made the relationship so full, but empty.

"Is that what this is, Lizzy?" he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

She wanted to tell him yes but she was unsure. Some people could build 30 years on 3 months, a lifetime on a little. But them? Their lives were different, complicated, filled with and based on curiosity.

"It could be… but three months? What did Reba sing? 'It's just the fear of being alone.'"

"I wouldn't call this fear Lizzy."

"Then what would you call it?" she said, her voice rising slightly.

He was taken aback by her sudden change in tone. She was getting defensive. He could almost see the hair on her neck bristling. He didn't answer soon enough for her, though.

"In your eyes, on that god blessed, fate encompassed day, I saw fear."

She stood slowly and walked to the French doors leading to the deck and gazed out at the morning bursting into being.

"Fear of what Lizzy? You? The arms dealer?"

"You know damn well what," she said, spinning on her heel to face him. "You were afraid of us… of this relationship."

"Concerned? Yes. Worried? Yes. Fearful? Never," he said standing.

"You're gonna stand there and tell me that you dumped me out of concern? Concern for what – my health? My emotional wellbeing? Were you worried we had only one of those 9 lives left?" she practically shouted at him. "It was fear."

"I don't believe in fear, Lizzy."

"What? Because it's not one of your damn rules? Life does not revolve around your goddamn rules, Gibbs."

"I never said they did."

"You didn't have to. It was implied."

She could see Gibbs blood beginning to boil but it had to be said. They were gonna hash this out one way or another.

"If it wasn't fear in your eyes, Jethro, then what the hell was it?"

Frustrated at her words, he paced around the room, running his fingers through his hair. Finally he came to a stop in front of her.

"Fine dammit. Fine. It was fear. I was afraid of this relationship. Is that what you wanted to hear?"

"If it's the truth, then hell yes it's what I wanted to hear," she said, her voice never wavering. "But honestly, Jethro, am I really that scary?" she said, teasingly.

"I don't know, Lizzy. I don't know…" he said still confused and lost, unsure whether the confusion was stemming from his voiced admission or the closeness of their bodies.

"Are you scared I'm going to leave? Is that what it is?"

"No…yes…maybe…," he said, shaking his head. "I know I don't want to lose you."

"You won't."

"But I did. Twice."

She reached to touch his arm but he moved away.

"Twice I watched blood pooling under your body."

She reached for him again and this time he relented, allowing her to grasp his hand.

"You told me that they put your baby in your arms and all you wanted was to hear him make a sound."

"Yes…?"

"And that's exactly how I felt when I saw you on that floor. Lifeless. Without sound."

"Gibbs, I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what? For passing out? For something you couldn't control? You don't owe me an apology."

"You know exactly why."

He stared her down, his hand becoming tighter around hers.

"For pulling that trigger, knowing…" she said. "Knowing that our baby was inside of me."

He was silent. Silent, not because he blamed her, but because he knew that nothing he could say could take away the guilt she felt.

"I caused it Gibbs. My decision caused it."

"Do you want me to blame you, Lizzy?"

She looked at him.

"You want to hear that I'm angry? Pissed off because you kept it from me?"

Her eyes never left his.

"Then we're even – because you're just as pissed that I called it quits."

He could see her let out a breath she probably didn't even know she was holding. Her body relaxed slightly.

"So we're even…" she said, watching his movement towards her.

"Even," he said, tugging her to the couch.

"I want this Gibbs. More that that… I need it," she said, unsure which set of conversations they were on at this point.

He heard it coming a mile away.

"But…?" he prompted.

She raised an eyebrow at him.

"There's always a but," he said with a small smile.

"But," she said with emphasis. "Like I've said in the past, the switch gets flipped an awful lot with you, Jethro."

"I'm not making promises I can't keep Lizzy."

"Then how does this work?" she asked, almost terrified of the answer. "Or does it?"

"It does," he said, squeezing her hand. "It will."

"But Gibbs… there's always going to be more than two people in this relationship. Always."

"I got through that, Lizzy."

"You got through it? In what? The three months we've been apart? The weeks I was in the hospital? You got over in a day what's been eating you alive for years?" she said skeptically.

"I …" he said, unable to finish his words.

She watched a cloud cover his face. She watched the emotions run their course.

"I'm not just going to forget about them, Lizzy."

"Don't expect you too," she said.

"Then what? You gonna keep throwing them in my face? I loved them, dammit!" he said, his voice much louder, almost a yell.

"Sonovabitch Gibbs, you think I don't know that? You don't give me enough credit," she said, shaking her head.

"I'm not going to keep having this conversation over and over again."

"There's an easy way to remedy that, you know,"

"Is that what you want? Now you're the one calling it quits?"

"You did enough of that for the both of us, don't you think?"

"So now it's my fault?"

"Yes Gibbs," she said sarcastically. "The whole god blessed world is your fault." She stared him down. "I don't quit."

"Really?"

She nodded.

"Then the whole agent afloat thing was Vance's idea?"

He had her and they both knew it. He kept talking, not giving her a chance to respond.

"No – you were going to run off like a puppy with his tail between his legs. You were going to quit."

"I didn't quit," she said in a low voice. "I was reassigned. There's a difference."

"Not to me," he said, in a tone that matched hers.

"What was I supposed to do, Gibbs? Stay and be miserable?" she said, taking in a deep breath. "I needed to deal with the baby and I couldn't do that here. Near you."

"You should've told me," he said, knowing that he sounded like a broken tape.

"We've been over this. I'm not gonna apologize and I can't change it. It was a mistake."

"What? What was a mistake? The baby or you not telling me?"

"Both."

"Not the baby, Lizzy."

"Gibbs, I got pregnant in the first few weeks of 'us'. Yea, we took precautions but damned if your Olympic swimmers didn't take the gold this time," she said, turning to look at him. "I mean, really, what's a flimsy piece of rubber against the Michael Phelps of sperm?"

A cocky smile crept across his face and he almost forgot to be mad at her. Olympic swimmers, huh? Still got it, he thought to himself. Her eyes were still intent on him.

"We would've been together for the wrong reasons."

"Or all the right ones."

And while her heart softened at his words, she knew that while they sounded good on paper, putting them to action was another thing entirely. But Lord help her, she wanted this all over again. Wanted him, wanted the long nights and early mornings. She wanted the sawdust and silence and heaven help her, she wanted the coffee and the curiosity.

And curiosity was what had gotten them to this point. Curiosity about boats and bourbon and basements. Curiosity about garages, moonshine, and home cooked meals. Curiosity about what it took to make someone feel young again. And curiosity about what it took to find love. Or the Gibbs equivalent, which at this point was anybody's guess. She heard him clear his throat and approach her. He slid his arm around her waist and she moved into his warmth.

"I'm not going to get any part of this relationship right, Lizzy."

"I know."

"And you're gonna think I'm a bastard for most of it."

"I know that, too."

"And you're always gonna deserve better than me…"

"But none of that matters…"

"Really?" he said in a deadpan voice.

"Really. Wanna know why?"

He nodded his head and moved his face until their lips touched.

"Because I'm ALWAYS gonna be curious…"

A/N: And so it ends… Oddly enough, the entire story came from one line in a song and that one line created a paragraph somewhere in the middle of the story. So I ended up having to work backwards and forward. The song was Better Than Me by Hinder and I could just see Gibbs saying that over and over to all the women in his life. Crazy where the ideas come from. I've got a sequel planned. I'd also like to give KIBBS and TIVA a try but it looks like I better get on the whole TIVA thing before it happens for real… Thank you to anyone who read and enjoyed this story. The writing has been therapeutic and has gotten me through eight months of VERY difficult times and who knows, the worst may be yet to come. And for anyone that's interested…I only docked them about two or three of those nine lives. There's still plenty of curiosity left….