Chapter 45: I get that you're angry with me.

It was going to take a few days to get back to Atlantis on the Hive ship. The Wraith, Michael, was piloting the ship – the Daedalus would remain crewless and in tow until the final approach to Atlantis to conserve what little resources both ships had. Life support on the Daedalus would be reinstated only enough for landing in the usual spot.

I slept for ten hours straight at the start of our journey home, snapping awake instantly when a nightmare convinced me the Hive Queen was near. The temporary infirmary was in near darkness to simulate night time – as my eyes adjusted to the gloom my heart rate returned to normal when I remembered that Ronan had killed the Queen.

It was the first time I could recall waking in the infirmary and not finding John beside my bed. My breath hitched at the wrongness of that ... I needed to make things right and I didn't think I could wait until John finally came to seek me out.

"Doctor Anders?" I called out.

"Yes Ms Scott?" the Doctor from the Daedalus approached my bedside.

"Is there any chance I can get out of here?" I asked hopefully.

"Your injuries are all minor in and of themselves," Doctor Anders admitted. "I would prefer to keep you here under observation."

"How about I just check in with you on a regular basis?" I offered that compromise.

"Well ... yes I suppose that would be sufficient," he agreed. "But make sure you let me know immediately if any new symptoms present themselves."

"Thanks Doctor," I replied, keen to get moving. Doctor Anders set me up with a spare uniform and radio from the Daedalus crew and set me loose on the Hive ship.

"Ronan?" I radioed, "Are you awake?"

"I am now," he grumbled. "What do you want?"

"Do you know where John is?" I asked hopefully.

"Try the Bridge," Ronan advised. "Sheppard was still up there keeping an eye on Michael when I left."

"I'm surprised you're not up there intimidating Michael yourself," I commented.

"Sheppard ordered me to get some rest," Ronan admitted.

"Probably for the best," I said lightly. "Thanks Ronan,"

Okay ... Bridge. Nerves were zinging in my system as I walked briskly through the ship. I was actually scared of how John might behave towards me because of what that would tell me about the damage to our relationship. And I was apprehensive about being confronted with a Wraith so soon after being slammed by the Hive Queen.

"Colonel Sheppard," I greeted him formally in front of Michael, not wanting a Wraith to know anything personal about either of us. "Do you have a moment?"

John glanced at one of the Marine guards stationed in the room, nodding towards Michael at the ships controls, before making his way silently across to me. Once out of earshot I turned and looked at John, trying to judge his current mood towards me. He didn't seem overly welcoming but he wasn't yelling or actively telling me to go away either.

"I get that you're angry with me," I began. "I'm just not sure I understand why."

"Do you think now is really a good time to be talking about this?" John questioned in a neutral tone.

"Probably not," I admitted. "But I don't think I can continue all the way back to Atlantis with this ... black cloud hanging over us. I need to know how much damage I did to our relationship ... to your opinion of me," I said, my voice shaking with unshed tears at that last bit.

"Sabina," John softened a little. "You didn't damage our relationship! Yes I'm angry at your flagrant disregard for your own safety ... and frustrated at my inability to keep you out of trouble."

"It's not your fault I ended up here," I refuted. "My plan was only to remain close by in case I could help out with the TED ... everything just went wrong ... somehow."

"But," John's tone went all serious again, "if you'd done what I asked, the spirit and not just the letter of it, then you could have avoided all of this."

"I don't think I'm ever going to be able to do that if it means I leave you in a life threatening situation when there's a chance I could do something to help," I admitted starkly. "Who knows what might have happened if I hadn't distracted the Queen while the rest of you were escaping?"

"I don't know," John replied reluctantly, looking away. "I was thinking about it after you left the Queens chamber ... and I realised this sort of thing is just gonna keep happening because of who we both are."

"Is that why you stayed away from the infirmary?" I asked hesitantly.

"I did come and see you a few hours after we found you," John admitted apologetically. "I just needed some time to think and I didn't expect you to be up and about so soon."

"Doctor Anders released me on the condition that I check in regularly," I confided, wanting to make it clear that this wasn't another one of my episodes of disregarding authority.

We looked at each other for a few moments, neither of us sure of what to do next. John turned away, running a hand through his hair angrily.

"I don't know what to tell you," John looked back at me in frustration. "What do you want from me?"

"I want you to not be angry with me anymore," I said simply. "I want you to understand why I had to take that Dart out, why I had to try to protect you if I could. I want you to see that me doing that is no different from you doing the same thing for me!" I was almost panting with emotion by the time I got to the end of that.

"I don't know if I can," John admitted sadly.

"You said, after your last run in with the Genii, that me loving you was enough," I reminded him in a quiet serious voice. "Did you mean that?"

"I wouldn't have said it if I didn't, "John replied in a slightly grumpy tone.

"You can't put conditions on that John," I said earnestly. "If anyone does, I know how hard it is to love someone who's always getting into trouble! But I see you, John Sheppard – your irreverence, your smart arse bravery, your intense loyalty, your tendency to put the really hard things you've done to the back of your mind rather than deal with them. I see you and that's the John Sheppard that I love, because of all those things rather than in spite of them."

"Sabina, I ..." John broke off, clearly not knowing what to say to me in return.

"You can't just have the parts of me that are easy ... you have to accept the parts that make me difficult and stubborn and sometimes rebellious too. They're all part of the person that I am – the person you say you love. If you can't do that then the person you love is just a figment of your imagination ... because sure as hell it isn't me."

"It -" John broke off when I held up a hand to stop him from just reacting without thinking about it.

"Don't say anything now," I told him in a tormented voice. "You need to think about this ... think hard ... because I'm not going to continue this relationship unless I'm convinced that you really see me as I am ... that it's the imperfect, stubborn, pain in the arse person I am that you love. The next more is yours." With that I turned and almost ran from the room.

Authors Note:

I made up Dr Anders ... I'm assuming a ship as big as the Daedalus would have at least one permanent member of medical staff ... I didn't give him any physical characteristics so you can imagine him any way you like really.

Next up is Misbegotten ... there are only FOUR chapters left!! I can't believe it ... probably another three days I think.

Thanks for the review Allie108 - hope the conclusion to No Mans Land worked. Nice to see you back EmSyd - mammoth effort catching up! Welcome to the story Secrets of the Roman empire - glad you liked the cliffhanger (I think the first real one I've done!). And to everyone else wading their way through this epic ... thanks for sticking around!