What Matters Most

When I woke up that morning, I didn't even know what day it was, nor did I care. Nothing really mattered to me anymore. Well, that wasn't quite true. I still felt that sick gnawing ache in my chest whenever I thought about using my magical senses to find those poor witches and wizards and then standing by and letting Hawthorne and his buddies kill them. Witch finder. That's what he had called me. I stumbled out of bed and into the shower. I felt so filthy that I had to take a hot shower, and I scrubbed myself practically raw.

But even that did not erase the taint on my soul. I doubt if anything would. I still saw their faces in my mind, the ones I'd betrayed, the women and the man, who'd done nothing to anyone save be born with the gift of magic, the same as I had. And for that they had died, murdered by the fanatics calling themselves God's Chosen.

Chosen what? Chosen instruments of destruction.

Worse still, one of them had been my father. The Enforcer Matthew Hawthorne.

I was doubly tainted now. Once by betrayal and the other by blood. The blood of the bastard witch hunter ran in my veins.

I closed my eyes, letting the water trickle over my upturned face, mingling with the tears now coming down my cheeks. What had I done? How could I call myself Severus's son and a wizard after what I'd done? I bowed my head, shivering with loathing. In that instant, I hated myself utterly.

I slammed my fist into the wall.

Not the brightest idea, for now I'd bruised and scraped my knuckles. They stung as the water fell on them, but I welcomed the pain. It was no more than I deserved. I was the bloody witch finder.

I could still hear Hawthorne's voice in my head, praising me for leading them to the witches so he could cleanse them from the earth. Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live.

My stomach clenched and I pressed the heel of my hands into my eyes. If that were true, then why the hell was I alive? God should strike me dead for what I'd done. I wondered why He hadn't done so.

And what about Severus? I didn't to even want to think about him. What must he think of me? Surely he must hate me and curse the day he ever took me into his home, for I'd betrayed everything he'd ever taught me, beginning with faking illness and casting a glamour over myself to trick information out of Evelyn. Truly, I was a son to be proud of, I sneered at myself.

I hadn't discussed anything with him, because I was too wretched and miserable to hold a conversation with. The shame I felt scorched me worse than a bonfire. I almost wished Severus would force a confrontation, yell at me, call me a no-account brat, take me over his knee even. Yes, I'd even welcome that, because God knew I deserved to be beaten within an inch of my life for allowing myself to be tricked that way, for listening to the lies Hawthorne spouted.

But Severus did none of those things. When I'd refused to talk and had curled up on my side, facing the wall, all he'd said was, "When you feel ready to talk, Gavin, I'll be here." Then he'd left me alone.

Alone, with my shame and despair.

Again, it was no more than I deserved.

I stepped out of the shower and dressed, not caring what I was wearing, if it matched or anything. What was the point? Once the AMA discovered what I'd done, they'd collar me and put me in Inferno. I was an accessory to five murders, after all. I winced just imagining the field day the press would have with that. Director's Son A Criminal! Snape Child a Traitor. Hero Raises Delinquent! Gavin Albus Snape-Slayer of Innocents!

Dad's reputation would be ruined in three minutes flat. And it would all be because of me.

I couldn't let that happen. I'd done enough to the man to last a lifetime. He was better off without me, I resolved. I'd disappear quietly into the night with no one the wiser.

Once I'd made up my mind, I didn't hesitate, I just started walking out the back door of the house. I knew it was Evelyn's house I was in, the cats had been by to see me periodically and told me how sorry they were that I was sick and hoped I'd feel better soon. I refrained from telling them that the only way I'd feel better was by maybe going back in time and blowing up Hawthorne and company before they had a chance to kidnap me.

I made it as far as the bench under the old oak tree before Monkey's voice reached out and snared me.

"Going somewhere, Gavin?"

I didn't turn around. I knew if I looked at her, I'd never be able to leave. And she was another who I was responsible for letting get hurt. So I took another step, hoping she'd take the hint and leave.

I forgot Monkey's nearly as stubborn as I am.

"Yo, Snape, I'm talkin' to you!" she called, then she came around the tree and confronted me, her hands on her skinny hips. "Those crazies mess with your hearing like they did with your magic or what?"

I forced myself to look at her. She was wearing a skirt and a pretty lavender top, of all things. Monkey in a skirt? Had the world stopped turning? I gaped. I'd never seen her in anything save ripped up jean, sweats, or shorts. She always said dresses and skirts were for stuck-up little pansies.

"You're wearing a skirt?" I blurted. "They hit you in the head or what? 'Cause the Monkey I know wouldn't be caught dead in a skirt."

She blushed and I cursed myself for an idiot. Then she shrugged and said, "Skirt was given to me by that old lady Evelyn. I wore it to make her happy. 'Sides, it's like the only decent pair of clothes I got here. I think your dad burned my old ones or something, they weren't anything great, mostly rags." She glared at me challengingly. "Why? Do they make me look funny?"

The way she was looking at me, I knew better than to say anything smart. Monkey had as good a right hook as any boy. "No. Just. . .different, is all," I groped for something else to say. "You look . . .nice. The lavender, uh, goes good with your hair, Jane." Now it was my turn to go red. Had I just complimented a girl?

"Thanks, Gav." She ducked her head and studied her feet, which were bare. "Severus spelled 'em for me so they'd fit. They belonged to Evelyn's niece or something."

"Oh."

We stood there for a moment, not saying anything.

Then Monkey, or I should say Jane, since she looked more like a Jane now in her new clothes, cleared her throat and demanded, "You never answered my question, Wolf-boy. Where were you goin'?"

I stiffened. "None of your business."

She shifted her stance slightly. "You wouldn't be plannin' on leavin', would ya?"

"What if I was?" I responded. I wish she'd just get out of my way and leave me be. Couldn't she see it was better this way?

Her glare was like a blowtorch. If I was a piece of wood, I'd of been ash in a heartbeat. "What the hell's wrong with you, Gavin Snape?"

"Nothing you'd understand," I replied testily. "Now get the hell out of my way."

"And if I don't? What are you gonna do? Hit me? Set me on fire?"

I went pale at her words. Did she really think I'd ever hurt her? "Dammit, Monkey, just let me go!"

"Why? So you can disappear and cause the rest of us more grief, you dumbass?"

"Don't you see?" I shouted. "It's better this way."

"Better for who? You? Yeah, I can see why you'd think that. It's always easier to crawl in a hole and die than it is to admit you made a mistake and live with it."

"What the hell would you know about it?" I spat, furious.

"Plenty. What, you think you're the only one who's ever screwed up?" she laughed mockingly. "But at least I know better than to run away from my problems."

"You ran away from your mom," I said cruelly.

My barb struck home, but she didn't back down the way I'd hoped. "Yeah, cause I didn't want to end up like she did, a no-account junkie ho. Even then, I'd a stayed if she wanted me to, but she didn't and so I left, 'cause I didn't need her treatin' me like a kicked stray. I may not got money, but I got pride." She lifted her head and gave me another one of those laser glares. I flinched. "But you, it's different. You got a family now, and a dad that really loves you."

"Think so? I bet he can't stand me after what I did. That's why I'm leaving."

"You-you stupid jackass! I can't believe you just said that. That man in there is tearing himself apart over you and you just want to walk out? Like he was nothing? Fuck, Gav! I'd give my right arm for somebody to care about me that much! Nobody ever loved me like that guy in there does you. Not my mama, nobody. And you're just gonna give up and walk away? What the hell's wrong with you? Don't you care about your dad at all?"

"Of course I do!" I shouted. "That's why I've got to leave. So I don't screw up his life anymore than I already have. I was the witch finder, Monkey! I betrayed all those people to our enemies. How can I call myself his son after that, dammit? If you're so damn smart, answer me! Would you want a criminal for a son, Janie?"

"I wouldn't have much leave to talk, now would I? Considerin' I'm a thief," she pointed out. Then she said softly, "You never betrayed anybody, Wolf. You were used by that piece of shit Captain Hawthorne. If he hadn't shot you up with that drug, you'd never done what you did. It wasn't your fault."

"Yeah it was. I never should've been involved in the first place. My dad wanted me to stay out of his investigation, and I blew him off and stuck my nose where it wasn't wanted. If I'd obeyed him, none of this would've happened."

"Maybe not, but if you'd obeyed him, I'd still be in that hellhole, getting beat the hell out of and felt up by that creep Leeroy."

"It's because of me you were there in the first place," I whispered, guilt threatening to strangle me.

"What d'you mean?"

"If I'd never come back that night and saved Smoke and gotten kidnapped by Malfoy, you'd never have gotten involved with wizards and you'd of been safe. But because of me you learned about the magical world and stuff and that's why the Brotherhood targeted you."

"Hells bells, Gav! How can you think that? The Brotherhood is a bunch of screwed up sick bastards, they'd a snatched anyone who they thought knew about witches, even if they didn't know jack. You didn't know they were going to do that, so stop blaming yourself for something you couldn't control. It's stupid. 'Sides, learning about the magic world and meeting Sev and Harry and Ginny was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I wouldn't change it for anything."

"It nearly got you killed!"

"No, the Brotherhood nearly got me killed," she corrected. "Not you or your world. You were the ones who saved my ass. You and Severus. That counts for a lot in my book."

"Yeah. But I still think I should go. I'm . . .an embarrassment to him now. I'm the son of a damn witch hunter, the worst one of all. In case you didn't know, that bastard Hawthorne was my father." I wrapped my arms about myself, shivering. "I'm the son of a murderer."

"No, you're not!" she declared fiercely. "You're Snape's son, not Hawthorne's. All he gave you was sperm and DNA, but Severus gave you a home and a family. That's what matters most. Don't you see that? You're supposed to be so smart, Gavin Albus Snape. You say you screwed up by becoming a witch finder? Well, you'll screw up royally if you take off now, like a bloody coward. You've got everything I always wanted, kid. Don't be a dumbass and throw it all away."

I hesitated. Was she right? "But what if he doesn't want me, Monkey?"

She shook her head. "Gavin, that man wants you more than anything in the world, 'cept maybe his wife that died. You didn't see him like I did, when you were outta your head seein' things and what not. He stayed right by you for days, he barely ate or slept, all he cared about was making you well. Nothin' else. Now if that ain't love, I don't know what the hell is. And he knew all about you being the freaking witch finder then."

"I know, but still . . .if I stay, it could ruin his reputation as a Dark Hunter."

"Gavin, I ought to clock you one! You think Sev gives a damn about his reputation? Because I'll tell you right now that's the last thing on his mind right now. His number one concern is you. That's it. You know how many times I usta dream about having somebody that wanted me that much, Wolf? 'Stead of my mama, who told me to get out so I didn't ruin her image with her boyfriends? I never knew my dad, not even his name, my mama said she didn't remember, but even if she did, I know it wouldn't matter. He slept with her for a night, it wasn't forever, it wasn't love. And I was the mistake from it." She stared at me, her eyes bright with tears.

"Jane, how can you say that?"

"Because that's what she told me. I asked her one time, why she didn't want me around and she said it was a mistake to have me, that I was nothing but trouble. So I left, and I'm better off without her . . .sometimes . . .but sometimes I wish . . .that I had what all those other kids got, a nice home, and a family, and a mom and dad who love them . . .hell, Wolf, you know what that's like . . ."

"Yeah. I know. I was the freak and the devil spawn. Back when I lived with Ferrous, I used to wonder about my real parents . . .who they were and why the hell they didn't want me. I found out finally. And I wish like hell I never did. Hawthorne killed my mother, Janie. She tried to run away with me, tried to keep me from him, and he killed her for it." Tears were blurring my vision. "All those years I thought she just threw me away and then I find out she was murdered. By my father. Real nice family I've got, huh?"

"I'm sorry about your mom, Gav. But at least she died for you. I don't think mine would ever do something like that for me," Monkey whispered, putting her arm about me. "And you don't only have Hawthorne as your family. Evelyn's your great-aunt, and she's decent. And Severus and the rest of the Amarottis, they're cool too. Gavin, don't let Hawthorne screw this up any more than he already has. Don't let him take away what matters most. You don't wanna be like me."

"Aw, hell Jane," I said, and I hugged her, and we cried, like two little kids.

But after a few minutes we stopped and I said, "You aren't alone, Jane. You'll always have me. And you ought to tell your mama that you were the best mistake she ever made."

She sniffed and smiled at me. "See, that's why I like you, Snape. You can always make me feel better."

"I'm sorry I acted like such an idiot."

"Humph. Yeah, well, you wouldn't be Wolf if you didn't act like an idiot at least once a day," she returned, and cuffed me playfully on the back of the head.

"Thanks a lot."

"You're welcome," she smirked. "So, are you gonna take my advice or what?"

I sighed, scowling down at the ground. "I will . . .but what if my dad can't forgive me?"

"Lord, but you are so damn stubborn!" she shook a finger in my face. "If you're that worried over what he thinks about you, why don't you just go and ask him? He's right in there, by the window."

"What?" I gasped in horror. Then I spun around to confirm what she'd just told me.

Sure enough, there he was, standing next to Evelyn. I felt my face blaze in embarrassment. "Somebody just shoot me," I groaned. "You got a gun, Janie?"

She laughed. "What's wrong, Gav? It ain't like we were kissing."

True. I still wanted to die though. I prayed they hadn't been able to hear us through the window. I considered running away again. But then I stopped and thought about what I'd be giving up. The only real home and family I'd ever had. Not to mention my dad, who was more of a father than the one I'd been born to.

Screw you, Hawthorne. You're not going to make me an orphan twice.

Jane was right. I had what mattered most. And I'd be damned if I was going to give it up without a fight. I swallowed hard, feeling panic flutter in my stomach. Then I turned to go back inside the house and have a little talk with my father. I felt like I was in the parable of the Prodigal Son, and I wondered if my own story would end like that one? Or would the specter of the witch finder destroy all I'd ever had?

Well, do you agree with what Janie said?

Next: Gavin finally talks with Severus.