Chapter 8.

Lou undresses quickly, changing into pyjamas. She scrubs her face clean of make-up, determinedly avoiding eye contact with her reflection. She walks into the dormitory and slips into her bed. Her feet press against a third, unconnected foot.

Her scream is quickly joined by another.

She grabs her wand and lights it quickly. "Lily!" she says, half-laughing, half still frightened.

"Is something wrong?" calls Mary's sleepy voice.

"No, sorry," says Lou.

Lily sits up, rubbing her eyes.

"What are you doing in my bed?" whispers Lou.

"I was waiting for you. You took ages."

"So you decided to sleep in my bed?"

"I didn't decide to. I was tired." Lily's fully awake now. "Where were you, anyway?"

"Talking, on the balcony."

"To yourself?"

Lou hesitates. "To Sirius."

"All this time?"

Lou nods.

"What did you talk about?"

"Oh, this and that. How was your evening?"

"Brilliant. But you can't get away with it that easily. Something's wrong. What happened?"

Lou flushes. "Nothing. Are you and James a couple now?"

"Yeah. It just feels….right, you know? Lou, what happened with Sirius?"

Lily catches her eye, and Lou knows that she'll never get Lily out of her bed until she tells the truth.

"We kissed."

Lily looks at her friend shrewdly. "Not good?"

"The kiss was. What happened after wasn't."

"What?"

"There was talk, of a…relationship."

"Did he turn you down?"

"Actually, no!" Lou's voice raises angrily. "Of course, he must have turned me down, because he's beautiful and perfect in every way, and I'm just -"

"Be quiet, Lou, you'll wake the whole room. And you know I didn't mean it like that - all I meant was that he's the kind of person who runs from the word 'relationship'."

"You'd think so, wouldn't you?"

"Merlin, Lou. He wanted something serious with you, and you said no?"

"I think I might have kind of upset him."

"And yourself?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," says Lou, in one breath.

Lily grabs her hand and looks her in the eye. "Lou, you know I was dubious when he started trying to befriend you, and I thought he was just using you, but if he's talking about a relationship then he must be serious about you, and you can't turn him down because you're scared of loving someone."

"I'm not scared, Lily," says Lou, fiercely. "And, if I was going to love someone, I'm telling you now, it wouldn't be him. "

"But -"

"Are you going to get out of my bed or am I going to have to push you out?"

Early the next evening, Lou is in the Common Room, bent over her Charms essay. Lily and James walk over to her, tentatively holding hands. They sit down at the table, and are quickly followed by Mary, Remus and Peter.

"Lily told me about last night," says James.

"And me," says Mary.

Lou glares at Lily, who shrugs.

"And James told us," adds Peter.

Lou flushes.

"I think you really hurt Sirius," says James.

Lou glances around the room, and sees Sirius, who's sitting with Jess. Their heads are bent very close together, and he tucks a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Yeah, it looks like it," she says pointedly.

"We think that might be how he deals with rejection," says Remus.

Lou's "Oh," is declared with an impressive amount of disbelief.

"Lou, you've got to speak to him. If you like him, you can't let him go." Lily's comment is followed by a shy glance at James, who smiles at her.

Despite herself, Lou grins.

"We thought," says James, "Maybe we could arrange a…a meeting. And you could sit down with him, and we could leave you alone, and you could tell him how you feel."

Lou slams shut her book, stands up, and gathers up all she needs for her essay. "I'm going to the library," she says, angrily. "And if any of you dares to follow me, I'll hex you so badly, you'll spend the next decade searching for your body parts." And she storms out of the room.

An hour later, and Remus is walking between shelves. Defence Against the Dark Arts. Dangerous creatures. These are his favourite books, and he has several scrolls of parchment to write, and he's relishing the idea (contrary to his friends' beliefs, Remus rarely relishes essays. But this one, this one is going to be brilliant). He starts humming to himself - quietly, mind, it is a library - and, carrying a ridiculously heavy textbook, makes his way jauntily over to an empty-looking desk.

As he places the book on to the desk, he notices that it's not empty. And that he knows the person sitting at it. He remembers the last words she spoke in his presence. He picks up the book, planning to sidle to another part of the library, but she looks up and sees him. He gulps.

"I didn't follow you," he says. "It's just, I've got an essay to write, and I needed books, and books are in the library, and the library is my -" think of a non-stupid word, think of a non-stupid word - "domain."

Lou grins. "It's okay. Sit down."

Remus is uncertain. Is it a trap?

"The hexing comment was mainly aimed at James," she tells him. "And I was angry. I'm not really the body-part-removing type."

Remus breathes a sigh of relief and sits down next to her.

"Are you okay?" he asks.

"Yeah. I've almost got this essay done, thankfully."

"That's good. But I meant about…Sirius."

Lou looks up, and Remus is relieved to see that she no longer looks angry.

"The whole Jess thing," he says, "It doesn't mean anything to him."

"It shouldn't mean anything to me, either."

"But it does?"

Lou sighs. "I suppose. But I don't have any right to be jealous. He can see who he wants. I turned him down."

"You're jealous?"

Lou shrugs. "I'm just being stupid."

"But Lou, if you like him, and he likes you, I don't know what the problem is."

"No, I don't suppose you would."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Lou smiles. "I didn't mean to offend you. It's just, have you ever lost someone you loved?"

Remus shakes his head.

"Then you can't know how I feel."

"Are you talking about your mum?"

Lou nods.

"But what does that have to do with Sirius?"

"I loved her. It's a different kind of love, but it's still love. And she was killed, and the grief, it was…terrible. Still is. It's been less than a year, you know. And I'm trying to move on, trying to live my life, but it's so different now, without her in my life. And I like Sirius, but if we got together then I might grow to love him, and then I'd be vulnerable again, and if I loved him and anything happened to him, it'd break my heart, I wouldn't cope. So I can't love anyone. It's the only way to protect myself. Do you understand?"

"Sort of."

They turn to their books for a few moments.

"Are you really going to let it end there?" asks Remus sadly. "Are you really going to give up on the chance for something brilliant, just because one day it would end?"

Lou blinks, and Remus sees that her eyes are full of tears. "I have to," she says. "I can't lose anybody else. I wouldn't be able to handle it."

He reaches over and holds her hand for a few moments, before thinking it wise to change the subject.

"What do you know about Grindylows?"

Lou pulls a face. "The barest minimum. Doesn't James have some in that massive pond in his garden?"

"Yeah, he and Sirius spent a whole afternoon a couple of Summers ago, trying to catch one in a net."

Lou smiles, but the sadness in it is unmistakeable. "Maybe you should go and ask James, then? He might know something."

"Yeah," says Remus. "I'll go back to the Common Room. Are you coming?"

Lou assents, and they pack up their belongings and head back to Gryffindor Tower.

They sit with Lily, James, Mary and Peter, and for some time they pool their Grindylow-based knowledge. When that's done, Remus retires to a corner to start his essay, and Mary and Peter begin a game of Gobstones.

Lily and James are sitting together on a sofa, holding hands. Lou grabs a small stool and sits in front of them.

"I'm sorry," she says. "I've been unbearably rude, to both of you. You were only trying to help."

"It's alright," says Lily. "We understand."

"Just don't do it again."

Lou pulls a face at James, and the three of them laugh.

"So, you two, it's official, then?"

Their smiles answer for them.

Lou grins. "I'm so pleased for you. It's about time, you know. It's taken you ages to get together."

"Not for lack of trying on my behalf!" says James, indignantly, but he's quickly silenced by Lily's kiss.

"Oh, you're so perfect," says Lou warmly.

The three of them sit, chatting lazily, until they're interrupted by a squealing noise, just outside the Common Room.

James winces at the noise, and stares in horror as its perpetrator comes through the door.

It's Jess, making the noise. She's being carried through the portrait-hole over Sirius' shoulder, and she's screaming joyfully to be put down. He sets her feet on the floor with a dramatic flourish, and proceeds to press his lips against hers in the middle of the Common Room.

Lou becomes pale. "I'm going to the dormitory," she mutters.

"Lou -"

"- you don't have to -"

Lou smiles at James and Lily. "I know I don't. But I'm going to. I'm tired, I'd better get some sleep."

Breathing deeply, and reminding herself that she has no right to be angry, Lou makes her way up to the dormitory.

Sirius breaks his kiss with Jess, and watches Lou's back disappear up the stairs.