A week had passed and Jeff was still fighting the withdrawal symptoms, now all throughout the day and night. It had gotten worse, it seemed, and the silver lining was so far out of reach. He had thought about the drugs nearly every second and no matter how hard he fought it, the urge never went away.
He had shared his feelings with anyone; he couldn't. Everyone had mentioned how proud of him they were and never asking how he was feeling or what was going through his mind. The temptation was almost as bad as the feeling of disappointment he know he would see on everyone's face if he were to slip up.
He hadn't gotten a decent nights rest for the past two nights and thats when his mind raced even more. He knew he could get away with taking them, especially since everyone was in bed fast asleep. He didn't even suspect they would think he would relapse.
He ran his fingers through his hair, trying to focus on the paper he had laid in front of him. He couldn't seem construct anything like he was taught to; the desire was too much. He tossed the notebook and the pen onto the floor and sighed, before standing up and entering the bathroom.
He had wanted a peaceful nights sleep; it was the one true thing he wanted. Knowing that was out of the question, he decided to rearrange the bathroom. It gave him something to do and his busy mind would be focused on something else for at least a little while.
As he folded and refolded the towels, his hand ran across something hard. He stopped for a moment, not believing what he had found. He closed his eyes as he retrieved the tiny object and opened his eyes. The familiar plastic brown bottle seemed the glow as his hands began to shake. He looked around the bathroom, knowing he was alone, but the feeling of someone watching was overwhelming as if he were a kid again finding his Christmas presents that his parents had hidden.
He played with the white lid, the memories of the past few years washing over him, hitting him like a lightning bolt in the dark, rain-driven sky. He hadn't realized how overpowering it would feel to have drugs that close within reach to him once more. It was a thought he honestly had thought of.
His only ideas were of taking them when they were there. He hadn't realized he would actually contemplate if they were within reach; let alone his own hands. He had never really tried sobriety and the thought of living on his own, not depending on a drug to get him by, as almost a high in itself. He liked the feeling to admit to himself and others he was sober.
He knew if he were to relapse, it would become easier and easier for him to become hooked on the pills again. And it would be harder and harder for him to become sober once more. The silver lining would pass him by and he would never look back.
He popped the top and almost smiled as he looked at the small, blue pills within. He had forgotten he had hid the stash among the towels when he moved into Matt's house, let alone his good stash he had scored right before his suspension. He was almost pleased with himself that he had given them up.
He emptied the contents into his hand and thought long and hard about taking them; one part of him screamed for him to down them without a second thought. Another part, clearly his better half, yelled and painfully rebutted, telling him to forget them and flush them, like he had before.
Jeff sat on the edge of bath tub wondering what his next move was going to be. He had wanted the torment to end, to get a good nights rest and wake in the morning with his achy limbs and pounding head to be gone. It would give almost anything for that feeling once more.
Was it enough to risk his sobriety? His life?
She tossed and turned in bed, almost knowing he was there when she rolled over. Her eyes flickered open as she allowing her eyes to adjust to the darkened room. She yawned before throwing the covers from her body and standing from the bed. She saw the small crack of light coming from the bathroom door and walked towards it.
She heard the footsteps from within and the shadow pacing back and forth. She sighed, knowing it was Jeff, evidently not being able to sleep once more. She pushed the door open slowly, as his form came into view.
She saw his hand raised towards his mouth before she noticed the small, blue objects in his palm. She almost felt dizzy seeing him slipping up, as if all the meetings, their talks, his family and their relationship meant nothing to him.
She entered the room and grabbed his hand, causing him to jump, the pills scattering across the tiled floor. The anger was rising within her as she saw the lost look, the tears lining his eyes, his mouth open, trying to speak but the words getting lost somewhere within.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she asked, shaking her head in disbelief.
Jeff just shook his head, not able to say anything. She wasn't sure if he was more shocked at his own actions or being caught, be she needed him to say something, to explain his feelings.
"Jeff, answer me. What's going on?" she asked, grabbing the pill bottle from his other hand.
"Janine..I just wanted to sleep. I just want to sleep." he pleaded, the tears spilling from his eyes and down his cheeks.
"Jeff, why didn't you wake me? Why are you so persistent in doing this by yourself?" she asked, placing her hands on her hips.
"What's going on?" Matt asked entering the room, his eyes scanning his brothers delicate state before noticing the pills lying on the bathroom floor. "Jeff?"
"Matt... it's.... I..." he stumbled, as Matt looked at Janine for answers.
"He didn't take them. I think I stopped him in time." she answered, staring back at Jeff.
"So, you've been doing them the entire time?" Matt asked, the anger coming through.
"No." Jeff managed to reply. "Actually.... this is the first time since....."
"Jeff, what's going on. Talk to us, please." Janine pleaded, grabbing his shaky hands.
"I just want to sleep, I want this pain to go away..." he said, the tears falling faster and faster as his entire body started to shake.
She wrapped him into his arms, allowing him to cry on her shoulder as his words became muffled. She tried soothing him, as she stroked his hair. Matt squeezed his shoulder and realized for the first time, he had no idea what his younger brother was battling, what his feelings were, what temptations he was fighting. He had no clue how hard his brother had it.
"Jeff, I'm so sorry." Matt said, the tears threatening to fall from his own eyes.
"Come on. Let's get you to bed and well talk about ways to help you fall asleep." she said, holding his arm and helping him back to the bed.
As Jeff sat on the edge of the bed, he hung his head, still letting the tears fall from the amount of pain he had endured through withdrawal. He was going to take the pills, but for the first time, it wasn't for the high he knew he would feel. It wasn't for the feeling it would give him. It was to help him sleep.
For the first time, Jeff actually needed a pill for a legitimate reason.
"I'm so sorry..." Jeff muttered, his shoulders shaking as he exhaled.
"Jeff, it's alright. No one said this was going to be easy. You're almost past the second step. It won't be too much longer before the aches and pains go away and you can sleep. Until then, I have something you can take, within reason and as long as it is monitored by your brother or me." Janine replied, looking at Matt who shook his head.
"I don't want to be hooked on the pills. I mean, the temptation is there. It always will be but I want to be sober. I just want to sleep." he said, wiping his eyes.
"I know, baby. I know." she said, placing a soft kiss on his forehead before grabbing a bottle of Tylenol PM from her purse.
"As long as these are taken in moderation and at the right time, they should help you." she said, giving him two pills from the bottle.
He stared at the them for a moment before raising his head and looking at his brother. Instead of the disappointment he thought he would see, he saw compassion, hurt and a want to understand. He smiled weakly at him before looking at Janine.
"I'm sorry." Jeff repeated.
"Jeff it's alright. I see the change in you and I'm pretty sure your brother does too. We know how bad you want this and we both know that it's going to happen." she said, rubbing his back.
"Jeff, you're one of the toughest SOB's I know. I had no idea what you were going through until tonight. I had no idea it was so tough for you." Matt said.
"I know. I just didn't want to let anyone down anymore. Everyone has been so proud of me, I just didn't want to seem like...." he said trailing off, not being able to find the right words.
"Like you were human?" Janine finished for him. "Jeff, we need to know how you feel. It's part of the recovery process. If you keep that inside, it's going to eat at you and your going to turn back to the bottle again instead of turning to someone. Please, talk to someone. I don't care who it is. Someone"
He shook his head as he took the pills and took a large gulp from the water bottle before kicking his feet under the covers and laying down.
"I'm going to go clean up the bathroom. I love you, bro." Matt said, before leaving.
"I love you, too, Matt." Jeff responded.
"Are you alright?" Janine asked.
"Yeah, I think I will be now." he answered, yawning.
"Jeff it's alright. You're not letting anyone down. We're still proud of you." she said, kissing his forehead. "We're all here for you."
"I know. Can you just...."
"What? Anything?" she said, looking at him intently.
"Hold me?" he asked, looking up into her eyes.
"Sure." she said, smiling sweetly before climbing into bed and wrapping her arms loosely around his waist. "Get some sleep."
"Janine?" Jeff said.
"What, sweetie." she answered, running her fingers through his hair.
"Thank you."
"For what?" she asked, sitting up and resting her chin on his arm.
"For helping me change, for giving me the strength to knowledge to recover, for being here, for... everything." he said, yawning again.
"Your welcome. I wouldn't have it any other way, Jeff."