Harry and Ron were lounging on a picnic blanket in the speckled shade of a large tree, papers scattered around them, held down by convenient bits of wood, small stones, and the occasional sneaker against the light breeze. Harry snatched one of the bits of paper from under Ron's foot where he had pinned it after the wind threatened to take it skyward. Harry continued reading from the sheet he had dropped in his fit of laughter:

"Harry Potter and the Secret of Love

by Trazzy

One day, Jamie Doyle was frolicking in the woods in Scotland. Also, Harry Potter was in the woods being angsty. As Jamie bent down to smell a wildflower, Harry happened upon the same clearing! He fell instantly in love with the young beauty with the cornflower blue eyes and golden, flaxen, shining hair, and lips as luscious as the red, red rose.

"Who are you, to steal my heart so quickly?" asked Harry.

"I am Jamie Doyle," said Jamie.

"And be ye a nymph, to have such otherworldly beauty?"

"No, I'm Jamie Doyle," replied Jamie.

So they started making out, and Harry thought to himself that he had never felt such ecstasy in his life and that the only way it could be any better would be if he turned into a dog.

"Becomus Doggus," commanded Harry, whipping out his wand. Suddenly, he turned into a dog.

So they started making out again, except that Harry was a dog this time.

And their two hearts beat as one.

Then, they frolicked in the woods. Naked. But then they got tired, so they made sweet, sweet man-dog love. Just as dog-Harry ejaculated his magic semen, impregnating Jamie, Braveheart burst out of the woods.

"Unhhhhhhh, that was good," Harry moaned. Just then he noticed Braveheart. "Who are you?" he asked.

"I am Braveheart," said Braveheart.

"I guess I'm in love with you, too," said Harry. So they all had a threesome. It was full of sweat and beautiful love.

Then Braveheart said, "Aha! That was just a cunning trick to distract you while I steal Jamie!" Then he stole Jamie.

"Oh, no," said Harry, "I have to think of an unrealistic way to rescue him. Otherwise I'll have killed everyone I love. Again. That makes me feel like self-mutilating."

So Harry pulled his tail and ran off to find Jamie. When he found the cave where Braveheart was hiding, there was almost a big fight. Then Buckbeak showed up.

"Now I can talk!" said Buckbeak. "And I can also kiss with tongue."

"Awesome," said Harry.

Just then, Hagrid's voice boomed through the trees. "There you are, Buckbeak," he said. "What are you boys doing?"

"We were just about to have a giant orgy," said Harry, still in dog form.

"Oh," said Hagrid, "Well, you can't have a giant orgy without a giant, yar!"

"Good point," said Harry. Then they all had a fivesome.

Later, Jamie gave birth to a litter of Harry Potters. And all five got married to each other and their cosmic unity destroyed all the evil of the world forevermore."

"Harry…*snort*giggle*…Harry! Stop! I don't know which is worse, the pain from laughing this hard or the pain from listening to those despicable abuses of the written word" Ron said, his arms curled around his stomach, still laughing hysterically. "This has to violate some law…somewhere…"

"I can't believe that someone actually took the time to write this drivel and thought it was good!" Harry said, trying not to tear up as he thought back to what he had just read aloud.

"You should wash your mouth out with soap after reading that!" Ron declared.

"What, and add injury to insult?" Harry asked as if affronted. "I have a better idea," he smiled devilishly as he moved closer to Ron.

"Do tell…" Ron replied, intrigued.

"Strip Fiction. We each pick a word and every time that word is used, a piece of clothing comes off."

"Excellent!" said Ron, reaching over to choose another story from the pile. "Furtive Glances by smartypants89," Ron began reading in a mock-serious tone. "How far should I read before we pick our words?"

"The first paragraph, at least," Harry replied already beginning to giggle from the choice of title.

Ron continued reading, "It was no surprise Ron was late for breakfast. He had seemed distracted all week and was left scrambling to finish an essay on ancient Egyptian warlocks for 'Origins of Magic' the night before it was due. Ron plopped down on the bench next to Harry with the dull thud of exhaustion gained from a night spent in the library rather than his comfortable four-poster bed. "How did it go?" Harry asked, looking at Ron with concern, and, perhaps, something else that couldn't be put into words. "Nghrhmuffin," Ron muttered, reaching for a basket of pastries. Harry pulled the basket closer to Ron, Ron lightly brushing his hand as he went for what looked like a raspberry bran muffin. It was impossible to be sure, but it seemed as if that accidental second of contact created a visible spark, if the goosebumps on both boys' hands were any indication. Ron bit into his muffin, and Harry took a swig of pumpkin juice,

"Well, in a refreshing change, at least smartypants89 has a decent command of the English language," Ron mused. "Ready to pick your word?"

"Er, Ron," Harry began, "Does anything about that story sound familiar?"

"Yeah, kinda, but that's just coincidence…it has to be."

"Keep reading," Harry said, hoping it was just a coincidence.

~?~?~?~?~?~?~?~?~?~?~?~?~

The story "Harry Potter and the Secret of Love" by Trazzy was written by a friend of mine and, inspired (in a roundabout way) this fic.