CITIZEN EVIL
EPISODE 3: HITCHED
Another episode brought to you by lawrence64. I Probably could have done better, but who cares...
In a chapel, somewhere...
"And I have to do this why?" Wesker questioned. His usual trenchcoat had a bright white collar.
"Because the fans love you, Albert, they want to see you doing all sorts of things" Saddler told him.
"But you're the preist, surely this is your job" Wesker argued. Saddler dramatically raised his hands.
"The powers higher than me have chosen you for this task, not me"
Wesker remained silent.
"Fine... lets just get this over with, and then maybe I can just have one moment of peace without being thrown into some pointless storyline" Wesker turned to leave, but Saddler grabbed his shoulder.
"Just remember, they'd rather marry you, than you marry them, and one more thing... Don't call me Shirley"
A huge crowd was gathered in the chapel, as Wesker approached the altar.
"Alright, listen up! Let's get this done quickly so I can continue plotting world domination... Would the first pair of losers please approach the stage..."
Chris Redfield and Jill Valentine approached.
"Would the best man give the bride his rings" Wesker said.
Nemesis was wearing a full tuxedo and was happily picking whatever could be considered his nose. It stood up, and gave Chris the rings, and sat down again.
"Okay then.. Do you, Jill "Bullet For My" Valentine, accept this man as your lawfully wedded bastard?"
"I do"
"Do you, Christopher "He's Pissing Over My Shirt!" Redfield, accept this woman as your lawfully wedded bitch?"
"I do"
"Great, now fucking kiss, I got more couples to get through" Wesker said.
As Jill and Chris kissed, the crowd cheered, Nemesis broke into tears and Wesker sighed.
As they sat down, Jill turned to Chris.
"Did you have to make Nemesis the best man, surley Leon could have done it?"
"He's marrying my sister! You can't expect me to put up with that!"
"Next lovebirds, please...?" Wesker mumbled.
Leon and Claire approached the altar.
"I wonder who Leon chose as his best man?" Jill asked herself.
"I don't care, there is no greater insult than making Nemesis your best man"
"Would the ring-bearer please give the super-uber agent his rings" Wesker said, leaning against his podium.
Nemesis got up again, still picking his nose.
Chris's mouth opened in shock.
"Now that's an insult..." Jill muttered.
Nemesis gave Leon the rings, and sat back down.
"Very well, do you, Claire "It Must Run In The Family" Redfield, accept Mr. Suave here as your homeboy?"
"I do"
"Amazing... And do you, Leon Scott Kennedy, accept this bird as your pathetic lover?"
"I do"
"Great! then hurry up and kiss!"
As Leon and Claire kissed, the great oak doors of the chapel opened.
"WE OBJECT!"
Everyone turned around to see Ada Wong and Steve Burnside, who both walked up to Leon and Claire. Steve tried to kiss Leon, but Ada pushed him into Claire, allowing Ada to kiss Leon whilst Steve kissed Claire.
"Barley married five seconds, Kennedy, and you've already commited adultry. This is starting to get interesting" Wesker said.
They both managed to push off their assailants.
"It's not what it looks like!" They both cried.
"LEEEEEEEOOOOOOOONNNNN!"
Everyone looked back.
Ashley Graham was running towards Leon, and also kissed him.
"Just you wait until I get you home, Leon..." Claire said menacingly, and stomped off down the aisle, with Leon in tow, followed by Steve, Ada and Ashley.
"Well, that was certainly interesting..." Wesker noted.
"Next couple please? And make it interesting..."
Billy and Rebecca walked up the aisle.
"How many more after this?" Chris said.
"We still need to see... Oh, no, yep, these are the last ones" said Jill.
"We could have got a more livley bunch for the crowd though" said Chris, looking around.
The stalls were filled with re-animated corpses in tuxedos and dresses, Cerebrus' with cute pink bows around their necks, and a few freinds sitting uncomfortably.
"Hey, it's not the author's fault that he's too lazy to specify who is in the crowd" Jill rebuked.
"I suppose so..."
"Would Frodo please give Mr. Coen the rings?"
Nemesis stood up again. Bored of picking his nose, he had started poking what could be considered his ears. He handed Billy the rings.
"Uhh... Handsome Dan?" Billy said to Nemesis, whilst holding two Onion Rings.
"STARS" Nemesis apologised, and handed Billy the real rings.
"Cheers, Matty-boy" Billy replied.
Nothing happened
"Oh sorry" Wesker said "I must have drifted off"
"Right then! Do you, William Coen "The Barbarian", take this woman to blah blah blah?"
"Sure do, Father Wesker!" Billy replied.
"Excellent... Do you, Rebecca "Is It A Boy Or A Girl?" Chambers, take this tattooed punk blah blah blah?"
"I do"
"Stupendous! Is there anything else that anyone wants to say?" said Wesker, craning to look around.
Ark Thompson walked in, and raised a fist.
"Hey!"
Everyone looked at him.
"Uhh... I've forgotten, sorry" Ark said, and then left.
Everyone remained silent.
"Well, that was interesting" Wesker mumbled.
Suddenly, Mr. X burst through the doors, knocking them off the hinges. He pointed at Nemesis.
"..." he said.
"STARS!" Nemesis shouted, outraged.
"..." Mr. X replied.
Nemesis looked around, then ran over to one of the bride's maids, and hid her behind him.
"STARS STARS!" Nemesis argued.
Mr. X began to walk towards him.
"..." He continued.
Nemesis's jaw dropped, whilst the woman behind him emerged.
It was Lisa Trevor.
She screamed.
Mr. X looked angry, and began to run at her.
"STARS!" Nemesis said, shaking his head, walking towards Mr. X.
The two stood at each end of the aisle, staring each other down.
Wesker pulled out a stereo, and connected it to his iPod, and began to play the music from The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly.
Lisa screamed.
"..."
"STARS"
They began to walk towards each other.
"I can't understand a word they're saying!" exclaimed Chris.
"Neither can I!" cried Jill.
The Merchant tapped Chris on the shoulder.
"Got something that might intrest ya, Stranger!"
Chris looked confused.
"I'm sorry" he said "I don't swing that way"
"No, no, no" The Merchant replied, and held out a book, titled Understanding Tyrants And Other Sentient Biological Weapons By William Birkin.
"We'll take it!" Chris exclaimed.
"Not enough cash, Stranger!"
"I've got no money on me at the moment..." Chris said, then noticed the ring on his finger.
"Ahh, I'll buy it at a high price!"
"Great, here take it, now give me the book!" Chris replied, trading the items, and turning around.
"Anything happen?" Chris asked Jill.
"Nope, they're still staring at each other" she told him.
Indeed, Nemesis and X were still staring at each other.
Lisa screamed at Nemesis.
Nemesis turned to Lisa.
"STARS" it told her.
Lisa screamed.
Nemesis turned around, and walked up to Lisa, and gently lifted up her human-face mask, and placed his head under it.
"STARS"
"What the hell are they doing?" Jill asked, not expecting a sensible answer.
Chris flipped through the book.
"Well, apparently, X is accusing Nemesis of stealing Lisa from him, whilst Nemesis denied that Lisa ever loved X, to which X responded by saying that if it didn't let him see her, he would kill it and her. Nemesis then said that X would have to go through it first. X told Nemesis that Lisa lost her virginity to him. Lisa said that it was true, although she regreted hooking up with X. Nemesis says that X is going leave or suffer a humiliating defeat"
Jill stared at her new husband.
"Lisa says that they shouldn't fight for her, whilst they both press the idea that they have to. Lisa says that she doesn't want to see a fight, and that she loves Nemesis. Nemesis tells her that he is protecting their love. She asks him not to get himself killed like his brother, Tyrant T-002, did. He then kissed her, saying that he wouldn't let that happen to them"
Chris looked smug.
Jill kept staring at Chris.
"What?" Chris said.
Wesker had found some popcorn, and was nibbling at them to his heart's content. Billy and Rebecca were staring dumbfounded at the Tyrants.
Nemesis reappeared from under Lisa's corpse-cowl.
"STARS"
"I love you" Chris said.
Nemesis turned around, and continued walking upto X, who resumed walking, waiting patiently for the emotional scene to end. They walked up to each other, and stopped when they could go no further without walking into the other.
"..."
"STARS"
"X says "Ready to lose?" whilst Nemesis replies "I hope you are"" Chris said
Both Tyrants drew back their hands and brought it towards the other's torso at freightning speed. However they both stopped short of hitting each other. X's hand was open, whilst Nemesis was clenched into a fist.
"..."
"STARS"
"X picks Paper , whilst Nemesis choses Rock"
Jill stared at Chris.
"...What?"
Wesker froze in shock, his hand halfway towards his mouth with popcorn, whilst Billy and Rebecca were still gawping at the Tyrants.
The Tyrants drew their hands back again, and thrust at each other again.
"..."
"STARS"
"X picks Rock, whilst Nemesis chooses Paper" Chris told Jill.
"How do you know these things?" Jill asked him.
"You didn't marry me just for my looks, did you?" Chris replied.
Jill remained silent.
"..."
"STARS"
"Ooo, It's a close one. They both picked Scissors"
"..."
"STARS"
"Both picked Rock"
"..."
"STARS"
"Scissors again"
"..."
"STARS!"
"And Nemesis wins!" Chris shouted.
"What did he pick!" Jill cried, thrilled by the suspense.
"X picked Paper, but Nemesis picked Tentacle!" Chris replied.
Mr. X fell to a heap on the floor, a gaping hole where his heart should have, would have been.
Nemesis picked up the corpse, and with a mighty throw, sent it flying out through the doors. Nemesis then walked back to Lisa, and got down on one knee.
"STARS?"
Lisa was shocked for a moment, then screamed.
"Nemesis asks Lisa to marry it, Lisa says yes"
Both Tyrant and Trevor sat down next to each other.
"Way to go, Eastwood" Billy said to Nemesis.
Wesker snapped out of his trance.
"Er... yes... where were we? Oh yes... you two kiss"
Billy then kissed the still stunned Rebecca, which made her come back to reality.
"Did that really just happen?" She asked.
Before Billy could answer, Wesker butt in.
"Yes it did, now hurry up, I think the couple of the hour should take the stage. Come here you two" Wesker said smiling.
Nemesis and Lisa walked up to the podium as Billy and Rebecca returned to their seats.
"Would the best man kindly offer the rings?" Wesker asked.
Nemesis clicked his fingers, and HUNK suddenly crashed through the stained-glass a window. He was wearing a tuxedo, although he still had his gas-mask on. He walked around the stalls and took his place next to Nemesis, and handed the latter the rings.
"Now how insulting is it when Nemesis doesn't make you it's best man?" Jill asked.
Chris remained silent.
"Do you, Lisa "Good God! Is It Meant To Look Like That?" Trevor, take this Tyrant, to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
Lisa screamed.
"And do you, Maximillian "Nemesis" Tyrant III, take this abomination, to be your lawfully wedded wife?
"STARS"
"You may now kiss"
Nemesis swept Lisa off her feet and buried his head into hers.
Wesker was smiling, Chris was crying, Jill was confused, Billy and Rebecca were making out.
It seemed like the perfect end to a brilliant wedding.
The doors burst open once more.
Sheva Alomar, in her tribal outfit, stepped through.
"REDFIELD!" she screamed.
"Aw shit" said Chris.
Well, that turned out better than I thought, especially X and Nemesis. Feel free to send me ideas. I hope you enjoyed this one.
I don't own RE, i-Pod, or various Western-related films.