"Dammit, Hikaru," Kaoru whispered to no one. He clutched his knees to his chest with one arm, and mindlessly bounced a tennis ball against the wall with the other. "Why did you have to bring this up again?" He didn't know who he was talking to. Partially to himself, partially to his absent brother. "Why does this keep happening to me? God, what's wrong with me?!" This was not the first time these weird, confusing thoughts clouded his mind.
His little red head rested on his brother's shoulder as they sat beneath the cherry-blossom tree in their back yard. His eleven-year-old mind was spinning. One of their maids had recently talked with them about…changes. It was the same talk most mothers gave their pubescent children when the time is right. The birds and the bees, that old thing. But for some reason, this talk frightened Kaoru more than anything had before. The thought of loving someone more than he loved his brother, the person in his life that meant more to him than anything or anyone else, terrified him. But worse was the thought that Hikaru could love someone more than he loved Kaoru. It was a selfish thought, he knew, but it practically ripped his heart out.
"Hikaru?" His young voice began. The older looked down at his brother, who didn't return the gaze.
"What is it?"
"Do you love me?"
Hikaru froze. He looked at his brother like he was mad. He searched Kaoru for some kind of hidden meaning.
"Kaoru," Hikaru laughed, "You already know the answer to that question. Of course I love you, you know that."
Kaoru lifted his head off his brother's shoulder. His eyes dug deep into Hikaru; into his soul, deciphering him. "Hikaru," his small voice was hesitant, "will you promise me that no one…" He trailed off.
"No one what, Kaoru?"
"No," Kaoru said, frustrated with himself. His eyes fixed on the pink petals below him. He stood up and turned his back to his mirror image. "It's too much to ask. Forget I said anything."
"Hikaru stood silently for a moment, and then smiled as realization clicked in his head. He walked slowly, approaching his brother from behind. He wrapped his arms around his brother's waist and rested his head on his shoulder. "You know that no one could ever replace you, right Kaoru?"
Kaoru gasped and jerked his head up. He spun around to look his twin in the eye.
"How did you--" He was interrupted by a finger that was identical to his, pressed to the lips that were identical to Hikaru's. Hikaru put his hand atop an identical head, mussing up identical hair.
"Twins," he smiled, "remember?"
Kaoru smiled, "Do you promise that we will always have each other? No matter what?"
"I promise." The twins smiled, but inside Kaoru screamed. He knew that his brother could never really promise that. One day, Hikaru will find someone who he wants to spend the rest of his life with, and Kaoru knew it would not be him. But no matter how hard he tried, the younger Hitachiin could not imagine living his life with anyone but Hikaru. What kind of life would that be?
Kaoru came back to reality. He didn't know where he was, nor did he care. He came to escape reality, and just hide inside his head for a while. "Maybe I'm just being selfish," he thought. "I guess I'm so used to being the only person in his life that I'm not willing to let anyone else in. That explains why I'm so jealous, I guess. But why does he always make my cheeks so red? Why does he make our brotherly love act so believable? Why do I get that feeling when I look into his eyes that I never want to look away? How do I explain that?"
"Dammit!" He shouted, pelting the tattered tennis ball at the wall. He pulled himself up off the floor and dragged his feet behind him as he walked. He staggered in the dark, his head hanging, until his forehead hit a cold wall. He didn't move, he just let his body remain held up by the wall.
"Dammit," he repeated at a whisper. "What is wrong with me?"