Guessing Game

Kaoru's body slumped. His arms hang limply at his sides, and he leaned, forehead first, on a wall. For what seemed like hours, he was completely alone, in a dark, unknown classroom. Suddenly, he felt a familiar hand on his shoulder. His entire body electrified with mixed emotions. He was partially in shock, partially angry, and partially confused.

"Kaoru," the voice was too quiet to echo. "I was so worried about you. What made you decide to come to a science room? I'm surprised you didn't break anything, flinging this ball around." Hikaru's tone was playful, but concerned. He smiled a little, and threw the tennis ball in the air above his hand repeatedly.

"Hmm, so this is a science room," Kaoru said. His voice was monotone, but distracted. The corners of Hikaru's mouth fell, and Hikaru clutched the ball tightly. His arm slithered across Kaoru's shoulder, and he said in his ear, "Kaoru, what's wrong?" Kaoru felt his face heat up again. He whispered a curse to himself and thought, "Why does this keep happening?" He squirmed out from under Hikaru's arm.

"Kaoru, are you… Are you angry with me?" His voice cracked, sounding hurt and suddenly miserable. A knife twisted in Kaoru's chest.

"No," he mumbled. "I'm not angry with you. You should be the one who is angry with me."

Hikaru was surprised, but he smiled and playfully crawled into the space between Kaoru and the wall. He kneeled on the ground, looking up into Kaoru's eyes. "You are starting to sound like me," he joked. Kaoru closed his eyes tight and turned his face away from his brother's.

"I could never be mad at you," Hikaru said. His voice was incredibly sincere. His arm reached up and his fingers brushed across his younger brother's cheek. Kaoru's face grew pink and hot again. He quickly jerked away from his brother's touch, turning his back you him and walking hurriedly across the room.

"You couldn't possibly understand." He said with a quiet intensity. Not even he understood what he was feeling. Why should Hikaru?

Hikaru sat against the wall, his head hanging. "I guess Haruhi was wrong about you wanting to talk."

This, for reasons Kaoru didn't understand, sent his mind spinning into a fit of rage. He turned to look his brother in the eye for the first time since they'd left the Host Club.

"It's always about Haruhi, isn't it?" He shouted.

"K-Kaoru…I—"

"Shut up!" Kaoru's eyes widened as he realized what he had said, and he covered his mouth. There was a long, loud silence that hung in the air like black smoke. Kaoru felt his eyes moisten. His hands balled into fists, and his head hung low. The fury caused his arms to tremble.

"See," he practically whispered, "this is exactly why you should be mad at me. This stupid selfishness. Stupid jealousy!"

Hikaru's eyes widened. "Jealousy?" His eyebrows creased. "Kaoru, since when are you the jealous type? Man, you really are starting to sound like me! Is that what this is about? Jealousy?" Guilt gnawed at Hikaru's stomach like rats. How could he have been so clueless? "Kaoru, I'm so sorry. I didn't know you liked Haruhi that much. I mean, you didn't seen too troubled when that one kid came to the pension where she worked."

"Arai wasn't you, Hikaru!" Kaoru shouted. "I don't care about him!"

"Then why does it make a difference if it's me or him?" Hikaru was getting annoyed.

Kaoru growled in frustration, clenching his fists tighter. "Ugh! Arai has nothing to do with anything! Haruhi has nothing to do with anything!"

Hikaru felt the shock like a kick to the ribs. "But you just said—"

"There's no way you could possibly understand," Kaoru repeated, louder this time.

Hikaru threw his hands in the air. "You're right, Kaoru. I don't understand!" He shouted, hotly. "So why don't you explain it to me instead of playing these stupid guessing games?"

Kaoru closed his eyes, letting his anger subside. As calmly as he could manage, he walked over to a curtained window. He drew back the curtain part of the way and sat on the window sill, watching the rain fall down the glass. "I can't," he said quietly. "I don't even know how to explain this to myself. It's all just a guessing game, and I just keep coming back to that one stupid answer." He stood up again, letting the curtain fall. Light refracted eerily off the glass beakers and test tubes. "But the answer is wrong. It's all wrong! There is no right answer. The only answer that seems to make the most sense to me is the worst of them all! It's beyond wrong. It's sick!" He closed his eyes again. "I hate myself for even considering it. But it's the only option! It's the only thing that makes sense!"

He walked slowly toward his brother, avoiding eye contact. Half a foot away from him, he stopped. Their golden eyes met. In that moment, Kaoru's eyes filled with tears. His head fell heavily onto Hikaru's shoulder. Between sobs, he swore at himself. A pang of guilt hit Hikaru like a speeding truck. He didn't understand why his brother was upset, but he understood that he was the cause of the agony his brother was feeling, and the thought practically murdered him. He gently rubbed his brother's back, trying to comfort him. Tears brimmed in his eyes, but he did not set them free. He could not cry in front of his brother, it would put Kaoru in more pain. The quiver of his voice gave away his pain as he spoke.

"Kaoru, you know that you are the most important person in the world to me. I would give up oxygen before I gave you up."

"Nothing lasts forever," Kaoru said.