The ceiling seemed to spin above Hikaru's head. His fingers were wrapped tightly around the tennis ball his twin had left behind. He held on to that tennis ball as if it were more precious than life itself. It was the only part of Kaoru he felt like he had left. This was so sudden. How long had Kaoru felt like this? How long had he secretly hated his own twin brother, the only person he ever truly cared about? Kaoru had mentioned this before, that they would someday drift apart, but Hikaru thought he was overreacting. It never occurred to him that Kaoru might no longer want to be in his life. He was disowned by his twin brother; his best friend.
"I wish you weren't my brother." The words bounced off the walls of Hikaru's mind, trapped like a caged bird. No other thoughts could get in, and the memory certainly couldn't escape. Hikaru clutched the tennis ball to his chest. If he were fully conscious, he would have realized how many hours he'd been lying in the very spot Kaoru had left him in. He would have realized the sky was getting dark, and the rain that pelted the glass was getting harder, but he was not fully conscious. He was rendered motionless by the agony of guilt and betrayal. Each crash of thunder was Kaoru's angry cry. Each flash of lightening was Kaoru's distraught expression. As long as he's been alive, Hikaru had never seen Kaoru make that face. The very thought of it ripped out his insides, especially since he knew he had apparently brought on the agony.
"What have I done?" He thought aloud. His voice was dry and cracking; these were the first words he had spoken in an hour or two.
"I don't know," a low, gravelly voice replied, taking Hikaru aback, "but you must be pretty devastated if you'd rather be at school than at home at this hour." A tiny twitch moved Hikaru's body, but he ignored the impulse to sit up and address the speaker. His mind was too tired to make him move. Instead, he lifted his chin up and looked up and behind him, his head still on the ground. There he saw the upside down figure of husky man in a gray jumpsuit, accompanied by a large rolling trashcan.
Hikaru sighed and looked out the window. On an ordinary day, the sight of the dark sky would make him bolt upright in panic, but today he just sighed and lay there, limp. He croaked out, "What's the time?" His grip on the tennis ball tightened and he focused on the ceiling again.
"Don't worry," the janitor replied, "It's not as late as it looks, what with the storm and all. It's only 18:45. Shouldn't you be getting' home to dinner?" The words were muffled by a chunk of sandwich the janitor had just bitten.
"Hmm…" was all Hikaru could manage. He hadn't even thought of food. He hadn't thought of anything but Kaoru.
"Hey kid," the janitor said, a hint of concern in his voice, "are you okay? Do you want a tissue or something?" Hikaru wrinkled his eyebrows, confused. He brought his fingers to his face and found that his cheeks were wet. Had he been crying? His eyes were stinging. "Do you need to call a cab or something?"
Hikaru closed his eyes and sat upright. Though the movement was slow, it still made him dizzy. "It's okay," he replied after a moment. He heard the sound of footsteps, and when he opened his eyes, the janitor was in front of him, extending a hand. Reluctantly, Hikaru took the hand and stood up, his legs shaky. The two strangers' eyes met for a moment, and they could both read the emotion in the other's eyes. The janitor's were full of genuine concern; Hikaru's were full of anguish. The expression in the janitor's eyes became more understanding, and he said comfortingly, "Girl trouble?"
Hikaru's eyebrows furrowed. He was surprised, and a little annoyed that a common janitor would even acknowledge his problems, or care either way. Although, he'd by lying if he said he wasn't a little touched. This was one of the few times that someone wasn't intimidated by him, or truly saw him as an individual. He knew it was because Kaoru was not with him. The little bubble they had formed was broken. "Not exactly," he replied, breaking eye contact.
"Oh," the janitor replied. "Sorry, you just seemed to me like a guy who just got dumped."
Hikaru's insides twisted again, and the pain was visible in his face. "You could say that," he replied.
"Oh, there I go again," the janitor laughed awkwardly. "I'm sticking my nose in business that ain't mine. I apologize."
"No, it's fine," Hikaru said, though he really sort of wished the janitor would go away. He knew it was healthier to talk to people than to keep his emotions bottled up, but he still wasn't ready to let someone else into his life. He had already let more people into his heart in the past year than he had in his entire life. The lock around Kaoru's heart might have been entirely broken, he thought, but his lock was stronger than ever. Now that Kaoru was gone, he had no one to share it with.
The janitor decided not to pry anymore, but he wanted to give the kid some advice to make him feel better. "Well," he said, "I can tell you're a good kid, and if someone did something to make you this upset…well, they don't deserve you." It was a typical pepper-upper line, and he really didn't know what he meant by it, but for some reason it had caused Hikaru to erupt. The sadness that had been coiled up in his stomach transformed into fury and slithered up his throat. The cork was finally blown off the bottled up emotions, and its contents exploded into the hallway.
"NO!" he shouted. "Never say that! You don't understand! I am the one who doesn't deserve him! I was so lucky to have him in my life. He was my life-long best friend. My only friend! He was my brother! And I took that for granted. I didn't realize how much he means to me until he disappeared. And now he doesn't even want to be a part of my life. And it's my fault!" He stepped toward the janitor and grabbed the collar of his jumpsuit. "Never say Kaoru doesn't deserve me! He was always there for me. Always! But when have I been there for him, lately? What have I done for him?!" He pushed away from the shocked janitor and turned his back to him. His voice lowered, along with his eyes. "How could I be so stupid? I've been pushing him away. All this time, I've been pushing him away! All he ever did was love me. Doesn't he see that I love him, too?!"
Hikaru gaped and his eyes widened. That was it. That was the answer. He finally put the pieces together. All this time, he'd been pushing his brother away, all because someone new came into his life. He was so preoccupied with Haruhi, that he forgot his own brother. It wasn't until Kaoru was gone did he realize what he had been missing. He turned around to face the janitor and placed his hands on the janitor's sweaty shoulders. Just before turning around and running toward the door, he looked the man in the eye and whispered, "Thank you."
Hikaru ran out into the rain, without looking back. In the hallway remained a shocked janitor. A slight smile curled the man's lips, and he whispered to no one, "Glad I could help."