Disclaimer: Characters and settings belong to Tamora Pierce (in case you hadn't guessed that yet) and the song "Lost" is by Sarah McLachlan. Yay…

A/N: I have a bit of a confession to make - I actually wrote this chapter before Retribution, and though I intended to post both up at the same time…I, uh…didn't. Really, I wanted to see the reactions to 4 first - it was a bit strange to write. Anyway, thanks to everyone who reviewed, and I hope this chapter is a little bit more in character than the last *snickers*

Jossie: I know it seemed out of place - that's why he was so surprised by the thought. The fact that he loves Kel glorifies everything about her, including her outward looks.

Misti: Terribly sorry! Is this fast enough for you? *laughs*

Dying Inside

Slipper-clad feet made no sound on the polished floor as Kel crossed the room to her door. She very well knew that if she didn't attend supper, Neal would come and find her. If he was still talking to her, that was.


By the shadows of the night I go

Kel did not particularly relish the thought of making polite conversation with Cleon and the beautiful Ermelian. In fact, thinking about it made her feel nauseous - what did she have to say to them? Cleon who was obviously more interested in his fiancée than anything Kel had to say, and Ermelian who was so sickeningly nice that Kel wanted to scream.

She reached the doors of the hall and sucked in a breath. She really didn't want to do this.

I moved away from the crowded room

Gossip. She recalled something that Lord Raoul once said on the subject of gossip - "Didn't anybody tell you a palace is like a sieve?" It seemed that gossip truly was the mainstay of those quartered at the palace who had nothing better to do, for she saw friends and enemies alike, all staring at her. They knew. How could they not?


That sea of shallow faces masked in warm regret,
They don't know how to feel, they don't know what is lost

"Kel!" she caught a movement in the corner of her eye, and before she had to time to react, the air was knocked out of her lungs as an overjoyed Owen flung his arms around her.

Kel laughed breathlessly and gave his brown curls a gentle tug. "You're making me look undignified, whelp." to her amazement, her eyes were now level with Owen's.

He grinned and let her go, following to collect a tray and food from the servers. "I would have come and visited you earlier when I heard you were back, but Neal said not to,"


But I don't have a hold on what is real

Silently, Kel promised that she would apologise to Neal after supper. He did mean well, just sometimes he didn't know when to leave well alone and let her deal with things her own way.

"Kel?"

"Mmm?" she murmured noncommittally, selecting a roll from one of the baskets and setting it on her tray.

"I- I heard…are you alright?"

Though we can only try,
What is there to give or to believe?

For a while, she toyed with the idea of brushing off the question, as if the fact that Cleon was getting married to another woman in the not far-distant future didn't bother her at all. However, the Tortall-born part of Kel, the part that pushed her to speak her mind, won over, and Kel smiled, shaking her head. "No, not really." she didn't give him a chance to enquire further, as walking over to their usual table, Kel was engulfed by a storm of rowdy greetings from her friends.

I want it all to go away, I want to be alone

She sat next to Neal, who shifted slightly, and for one horrible moment Kel wondered if he was angry with her. Swallowing nervously, she leaned over and whispered in his ear. "I owe you an apology," curious at the shiver this elicited from her friend, Kel continued, "it's just been a very long week."

To her relief, he nodded and patted her hand in a reassuring but vague sort of way. There seemed to be something preying on his mind, for he was quiet throughout the whole meal, only stirring when a question was directed at him.

Sympathy's wasted on my hollow shell,
I feel there's nothing left to fight for,
No reason for a cause

At last, appearing to tire of the incessant chatter, Neal excused himself, shooting Kel a faint smile as he went. It was a mere shadow of his usual grin, but she was ecstatic - they were alright! She'd never fought with Neal before, and though it didn't seem that serious, he was very sensitive and tended to hold a grudge for a very long time.


And I can't hear your voice and I can't feel you near

It was her intent to go after him, but Cleon motioned her to stay seated, and left the hall in search of Neal.

Afterwards, Kel suspected that this must have all been a carefully-constructed plot. Her friends disappeared in a steady stream, accompanied by meaningful glances and nudges to the ribs, until only Kel and Ermelian were present.

"Might we find somewhere to talk?" Ermelian seemed anxious - this did not particularly surprise Kel when she considered her own aloof behaviour earlier that afternoon.

**********

Somehow they ended up back in Kel's room, sitting at the window seat in awkward quiet. The sun was sinking down below the horizon as Kel watched, trying to feign unawareness of Ermelian's presence at her side. Unfortunately, the lady in question was being rather unobliging in that respect. "Keladry, I know you don't like me," Kel looked at her, and for the sake of good manners, opened her mouth to denounce the claim. Ermelian, however, had other ideas. "No, please, let me continue," Nodding her assent, Kel sat back and fixed her companion with an expectant stare.

Ermelian took a deep breath. "I had met Cleon when I was much younger - our mothers were friends at the convent, and it was their wish that we become friends also. We lost contact when he left to train as a knight, and I believed that to be the last I would hear of him; but scant years later, his father was killed by pirates from the Copper Isles. Kennan fell into debt, while Aminar grew in wealth. It was the obvious solution." Her hands twisted nervously in her lap, smoothing skirts of azure silk. "We met for the first time in ten years this summer. Oh, Keladry, you have no idea…I wanted to make a good impression, wanted to make him proud of me, but you were all he could talk about!"

Kel stared at her, startled, and Ermelian nodded bitterly. "Yes, for weeks he told me of your wonderful deeds, your idealism, how you overcame the prejudice of that dreadful training master to become one of the best squires in Tortall,"

Blushing, Kel protested. "Please, my lady,"

Ermelian held up a hand. "They are Cleon's words, not mine. I don't think you realise how highly he thinks of you." she sighed softly and turned her face to the darkening sky. "It was hard, you know, listening to him talk about you and knowing that I could never live up to your legacy. What have I to offer? Flower arranging! Embroidery! Nothing in comparison to what you have accomplished!"

Kel didn't know what to think. She was flattered that Cleon thought that much of her, but she also felt desperately sorry for Ermelian. The loneliness was clear in her eyes, and Kel reminded herself that even if she didn't have Cleon's love, she would at least have his friendship and respect. Ermelian was trapped in an arranged marriage to a man that she believed didn't love her at all.

Her internal dilemma was over. Ermelian might have the place Kel wanted - by Cleon's side - but she could feel no further resentment towards the girl. She hadn't chosen this betrothal - she was simply trying to make the best of it.

"Ermelian, I really don't think you have cause to worry. Cleon wrote me a letter shortly before I arrived back at the palace, and he made it quite clear how highly he thought of you."

The other girl looked at her, expression full of hope. "Really?" she asked tentatively, almost as if she were afraid it was too good to be true.

Kel smiled. "He could have rivalled Neal in the length of his descriptions of your beauty, grace and kindness!" she snickered and Ermelian laughed outright.

"Yes, I heard about Neal's poetic tendencies,"

They sat in companionable silence for a while, until Ermelian gasped, hand flying to her mouth as she stared at Kel wide-eyed. "Goddess! Now I know why you were so cold earlier! You must have hated me - I know you and Cleon used to court."

Shrugging uncomfortably, Kel deferred. "I knew from the start that there was no chance for us."

It was Ermelian's turn to look sympathetic. "I would change things if I could," but Kel smiled and shook her head.

"No, you wouldn't. And I wouldn't want you to. Cleon and me are just friends now, and anyway, he deserves a real lady, not a scarred bruiser like me," she held out her hands, peppered with fading white scars, a constant reminder of the griffin she had cared for.

The other girl looked shocked. "You shouldn't belittle yourself so!" she scolded, sounding oddly like Lalasa, which made Kel's grin widen. "I bet you are just as beautiful as any court lady in the right dress, and with your hair fixed properly."

Kel's ears pricked at the word 'bet'. "Are you sure about that?" she asked teasingly.

Ermelian smirked. "There's a ball at the end of the week, and I know you have to attend because Neal told me. Let me help you get ready so I can prove it to you - and who knows, perhaps you may find a distraction!"

A distraction from what? Kel wondered. Ermelian smiled slyly, and realisation struck, making Kel blush. "How does Neal know that?" she asked curiously, trying to change the subject.

"All squires at court have been given the order. The pages will be serving in their stead,"

Finally, Kel agreed to let Ermelian help, holding the part of her that feared the mysterious art of face paint at bay. After all, it was just one night.

Sounds of shouting and a scuffle made her glance around at the open doorway. She knew those voices! Kel sprang up and ran across the room into the corridor, skidding to a halt in front of Neal and Cleon, Ermelian a pace behind her.

She arrived in time to see Cleon - sporting a black eye and a dislocated jaw - punch Neal so hard that the sickening crack of bone was audible all around the hallway. Ermelian shrieked and Kel lunged forward, pinning Cleon against the wall, forearm exerting pressure on his windpipe. He was a lot stronger than her, but Kel knew him well enough to be confident that he wouldn't raise a hand to her. "What," she growled, gaze not straying from Cleon's, "in Mithros' name is going on?"

"Maybe you should ask him." Cleon said quietly, relaxing in her grip, and making it clear to Kel that he had no intention of continuing the fight.

She let him go and turned around. Ermelian was supporting Neal who was swaying slightly from the pain. Kel looked at him and then back at Cleon who had sustained the most injuries. It didn't add up - Cleon could pound the older man to a pulp if he chose to, but Neal barely had a single bruise, with the exception of his newly-broken nose.

Her eyes narrowed. "Neal? What is this about?" Kel's voice was deceptively calm, although she had a cold suspicion about what had taken place.

Neal looked away, sliding out of Ermelian's hold. He said nothing, but his crimson blush spoke volumes.

"Would you excuse us please?" Kel asked Cleon and Ermelian politely. They left quickly, Cleon being held up by his fiancée, and Kel crooked her finger at Neal.

Shutting the door quietly behind her, Kel leaned against the cool wood and tried not to smile. Neal was slumped on her bed, out cold.

Endnote: For those of you who are romance-cynics, don't worry, Kel and Ermelian's bet will pale into insignificance when compared to what else happens on the night of the ball. No instant love stories (just add water!) for this authoress. I like my obstacles! *wicked grin*

You all know the drill by now. That very pretty button comes in mightily useful for this next part…review!