Chapter 17: The Talk

I was in Edward's arms. I sighed. His strong arms were holding me close to him, and his intoxicating scent flooded my senses relentlessly. I breathed deeply now...losing myself in Edward. I could feel my lips twist into a smile. I was happy. I heard his musical voice drift into my ears.

"I'm so sorry Bella. For everything. You deserve better than me..." he whispered softly.

I froze at his words. Edward had not realized I was waking up yet. That was odd. Usually his uncanny senses could pinpoint exactly what was going on with my body. He was so attuned to my pulse and breathing, even the tiniest change, and he would begin monitoring me closely. He loved to watch me sleep, and then wake. He thought it was fascinating the way I woke up. I figured it must be pretty boring, but Edward obviously didn't think so. I risked a peek through one eyelid.

Edward's eyes were far away. He looked at me without seeing. Unfocused now, the once brilliant gold was now a pale yellow. His face was pained as he spoke. His voice was in agony.

"It would have been better for you if I'd never returned..." he said slowly, his voice breaking.

My eyes shot open immediately. "Edward Cullen!" I said as I shot straight up. "Don't you dare say that!" I hissed - my voice laced with anger.

Edward blinked, surprised at my unforeseen outburst. He just now realized I had heard him. He didn't say anything immediately. He looked at me once more, with the haunted eyes.

"Not saying it doesn't mean it isn't still true..." he reasoned simply.

"It not being true...is what makes it not true!" I responded stubbornly. I was getting mad now.

Edward shook his head. He didn't agree obviously. "No Bella. You don't understand how close..." he began.

"No Edward! You don't understand! Understand what? How close I came to dying?" I spat at him. He winced as I said it. He didn't reply. He nodded that I was correct though.

"Now that is something I do understand, as a matter of fact." I said crossing my arms. Edward eyed me questioningly.

"Edward..." I said, my voice softening. "I came close to dying the first time you left me." My voice was trembling now. "Once was enough. I cannot live without you." I finished, my voice barely a whisper. Edward's eyes seem to crack. They seemed to shatter before my eyes as his inner agony nearly overwhelmed him now. Edward was always so determined to protect me from anything, even himself if need be. He reasoned he could let me go, if it was the best for me. He wouldn't be happy, but he would know I was safe. It hadn't worked so well the first time, and if he was thinking the same thing now, I had to let him know how wrong he would be. It would hurt him, but I couldn't keep silent anymore. I'd held it in for too long. I had to make Edward know in certain terms what was at stake if he left me. I looked down at my hands, as I spoke. I couldn't look into his eyes now. It would be too hard.

"Edward, if you leave me again...it will kill me." I finished. I turned my eyes to his then, my gaze hard. I was playing for keeps now, literally and figuratively.

A shiver went through Edward's body at my words. His eyes opened wide. He opened his mouth to speak, but no sound came. He was utterly speechless. I could tell from his face however, that he understood exactly what I was saying. If vampires could cry, I'm sure tears would be falling down Edward's perfectly smooth cheeks.

"Edward...do you love me?" I asked him, as I reached for his hand. His gaze followed my movement, and he watched me take his hand in mine. His gaze locked on our hands, and then returned to my face. Edward tried to speak, but he was still overcome with emotion at his realization of what my earlier words meant. He nodded yes.

I smiled at him now. My arms wrapped around his smooth neck, and I kissed him softly. "Good. Then we can...we will get through this. Or didn't you know that true love conquers all?" I whispered as my kisses found Edwards smooth lips.

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I was in my pyjamas now in my room. I'd gotten home before Charlie, and put on my best "I was so sick, but now am feeling a little bit better" face. He fell for it. I hated lying to my dad, but when your boyfriend is a vampire, and your best friend is a werewolf, well...sometimes the truth just can't be told. I'd been dealing with the supernatural ever since I arrived in Forks, it seemed. The lies were getting easier. I didn't like it, but what Charlie didn't know wouldn't hurt him. I glanced at the clock now. It was 9 pm. I'd just arrived in my room, after telling my dad I was still feeling tired, and needed to rest up for school. Edward would be here soon. Then it would be time to talk. I frowned a bit. I'd rather spend the night in Edwards arms, and feel his soft kisses on my lips and...breasts. At the last part, my face blushed scarlet.

I felt the cool breeze on the back of my neck now. I knew Edward was in my room – the cool breeze the only betrayal to his stealthy entrance. I turned and smiled at him. He smiled and then came to me. He kissed me softly, and I returned him kiss for kiss. This lasted a few minutes, and I felt Edward pull away. I pouted. Talk time already?

He lay on my bed, and patted the blanket next to him. I didn't need anymore instruction. I instantly obeyed, and lay beside him, my arm over his chest, as I cuddled into his hard chest.

"Time to talk?" I whispered.

"Yes..." and I could feel his slight movement as he nodded his head.

"Okay." I replied. I didn't know if Edward wanted to start, or if he wanted me to begin. I looked up into his eyes. He smiled at me. He didn't know where to begin either, I realized. I decided to bail him out.

"So...the other night..." I began. My pulse seemed to skyrocket and my cheeks were red now, as I remembered I was completely naked, and pleasuring myself as Edward had watched. Oh God...I couldn't look into his eyes now. I was utterly embarassed. I should have let Edward begin, I realized too late.

"Yes...the other night..." he said seriously. Okay good...Edward was taking over.

"Bella...I'm so sorry. I should...I mean...I shouldn't, but.... You shouldn't..." he stammered. Wow. Edward was definitely out of his element now. When Edward stuttered or stammered, which was hardly ever...it just seemed to punctuate just how awkward the situation was. He was usually so sure and confident. I guess decades of being right, and being perfect at almost anything does that to you, I thought wryly.

"I just mean. Well...you...umm." Okay, now Edward was getting flustered. It was difficult to watch. I loved him more than anything, and seeing him so insecure, and so vulnerable saddened me. He continued awkwardly...determined to finish his thought. "You shouldn't have to resort to using that...thing... I mean...it should be me...to..." he trailed off at last.

"It's okay Edward. I mean, that was my first time using it..." I managed to say without missing a beat. My cheeks did deepen more though, as I spoke. Oh God...how much longer could this conversation go on? We'd only just begun, and it was so awkward already.

Edward was looking at the ceiling now. "I heard you Bella. You said you wished it was me..." he spoke softly.

My heart sped up. Edward had been there for a lot longer than just the ending, I realized. Oh my...he'd seen it all? My breathing came fast now. He'd seen everything? Heard everything? This was not happening. This was not happening, I repeated again.

Edward looked at me now. I felt his cool fingers on my forehead, and my breathing slowed automatically. "I really am sorry Bella. I tried not to look. I knew it was wrong. But I couldn't look away." Edward balled his fist. He was angry at himself for his lack of discipline.

"Bella. It was so strong. I could smell your...excitement." he whispered. Okay, Edward was doing most of the talking now, but it definitely was not getting any easier for me. If there was another shade of red darker than scarlet...well it would be the colour of my cheeks now, I thought.

"It was one hundred times stronger than the scent of your blood. I'd never experienced anything like it..." he admitted. My eyes glanced at Edward's face. His eyes were far away now, remembering the scent of my excitement.

"When I watched you, smelled you...I wanted you. Bella, I've never wanted you more than I did the other night. I was so filled with desire for you." he spoke softly, with those smoky unfocused eyes.

His eyes changed now. Still unfocused, but sad again. "It awoke the hunger in me Bella. I'd controlled it for so long. But this...this was no match for my self control. I tried to fight it, I did." Edward's voice began to break at his confession. "It was consuming me. I knew I had to leave but I couldn't. I could see your neck. So soft, and pulsing with your thundering heartbeat. I was going to take you Bella... I'd already made up my mind. I'd battled the demon inside me, and had lost. It would have been over...except..." Edward trailed off.

My eyes were wide now. Edward had lost his battle? He was going to take me? But Edward was so strong! He'd never intentionally hurt me! I shuddered now, both at how much this admission was costing Edward, and at how close I had been to being Edward's undoing. Edward may be a vampire, but he was still a man after all, I reasoned. No one was perfect. Not even Edward. But if he'd lost, then why was I still alive? Why wasn't I on my way to being a vampire right now? I had to know.

"Except what?" I squeaked out, barely whispering.

Edward looked at me then. His face was so intense. I could see the love radiating from his eyes now. He smiled a sweet, but sad smile at me. He let out a slow breath.

"I was about to strike. One more second and it would have been over. But then I saw..." his voice broke. Edward could barely continue. He got up off the bed now. He looked out the window now, and then turned to look at me. His eyes squinted. His body trembled, and his forehead creased. Edward's lips were trembling now too. He closed his eyes, and opened them slowly.

Oh my God. Was Edward about to cry? Vampires couldn't cry. It was true they couldn't. But if Edward was human, he would be crying now. As it was, his human memories were mimicing the actions, even if no tears could flow. Edward was falling apart before my eyes.

"I saw you. In my mind..." he began. Edward's cheeks puffed out, as if he was struggling to keep the tidal wave of emotion in check. It was not working. Oh Edward...what have I done to you? I couldn't speak, and couldn't move.

"You were so beautiful Bella. You're always so beautiful. You beautiful chocolate eyes shone more brightly than a thousand suns. Your skin...so soft, and pale, the softest silk pales in comparison. Your lips...no other colour red could ever compare to it. Your face..." Edward said as he sank to his knees.

He looked up at me then, his face an emotional wreck. He put his hands over his face, as he shook his head. He could barely talk. His shoulders jerked uncontrollably. "You said you loved me." he finished, and then buried his face in his hands once again. The sounds he was making...I was stunned. If Edward had been able to cry, he would be sobbing uncontrollably now.

Edward's emotional control had reached it's limit now, I was sure of it. I moved to him, and put my arms around him. I brought his trembling body to mine, and stroked my fingers through his hair soothingly.

"Shhh....Edward.... It's okay. Everything's okay. I'm here Edward..." I whispered. He shuddered and trembled in my arms. I continued to calm Edward. I was worried now. I had never ever seen him like this. This was not the Edward I knew. This Edward seemed thoroughly broken by his revelations to me. I knew Edward had wanted to talk, but talk was one thing...this was breaking down. Edward's trembling body gradually calmed. He looked at me, as if he could see right through me.

"You saved me. When you said you loved me, it snapped me out of my haze. It gave me the second I needed to realize that I had to leave immediately." he finally finished, and let out a long breath. I couldn't speak now. I opened my mouth, but it wouldn't work.

"Edward, I'm sorry." I tried to say the words, but there was no volume. Edward read my lips. He shook his head slowly, as if telling me not to apologize for something that wasn't my fault.

Several minutes passed in silence between us. I held Edward, and he held me. Finally, Edward let out a shuddering breath. His confession seemed to unburden him a bit.

"So, you see now why I had to leave?" he asked.

"Yes..." was all I could reply with.

He got up, and sat on the bed. I joined him then, sitting beside him...with my hand in his. He looked at my small delicate fingers wrapped over his. He smiled slightly. I was relieved he was feeling better. I was feeling better too. I knew rationally, that I should be terrified now at how close Edward had been to losing control around me. But I wasn't. I couldn't shake the feeling that ultimately I was to blame, for pushing Edward farther than he had ever wanted to go in the first place. It was me that had brought Edward to this, I reasoned. I sighed.

"I'm sorry Edward. I shouldn't have pushed you farther than you wanted to go." I explained.

Edward shook his head. I thought he was going to tell me not to be sorry, but what he said next sent a thrill through my body.

"It's not your fault Bella. It is not unreasonable for you to expect certain things from your boyfriend." he explained. I cringed inwardly as he emphasized "things". He'd referred to the vibrator as a "thing" too. I blushed again at the thought that Edward had seen me masturbating. Would I ever stop blushing, I wondered. I couldn't think of anything to say in reply.

"Bella, I know you want a more physical relationship...." he trailed off. I could see his eyes focusing now. He was thinking.

"No Edward. It's too much for you. I'm happy the way things are..." I countered. I was feeling guilty still at the memory of the broken Edward of a few minutes before. What Edward said next surprised me completely.

"You may be happy with them, but I...am not." he whispered. I raised an eyebrow at him.

"Bella...things are going to change between us." Edward continued. I narrowed my eyes at him now. Change for the better, or for worse, I wondered.

"I will endeavour to give you what you want - What you ultimately need...but it won't happen overnight. I need a bit of time to adjust..." he explained.

I wasn't sure exactly what Edward was saying. Edward smiled at my confusion. I felt his fingers trail across my cheek, and down my neck. I sighed at his touch. My body tensed as they wandered down my neck and over the cotton pyjamas I was wearing. As I felt his fingers play over the fabric covering my breasts, my eyes opened wide, and I forgot how to breathe. Edward laughed lightly.

"This..." he said, "does not test my control as much now as the first time, a few days ago It definitely does get easier..." he whispered, as his hand wandered lazily to my other breast. I was literally panting now. Edward looked into my eyes.

"How about we start with this, and move on to other things...later?" he said, his gaze drifting down to my thighs. I blushed again now, and felt a tingle through my whole body. Edward was willing to try to go further than kissing? Oh Edward...I love you so much! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

A thought ran through my head then. Hmm, it was worth a shot.

"Edward?" I asked.

"Yes love?" he replied.

"I was wondering. Remember when we first met how hard it was for you to be in control all the time because of the scent of my blood? Well it seems easy for you now. And the same with this..." I said...pointing to his hand still working over my breast lightly.

"Yes...?" he asked, not sure of my meaning.

"Well do you think...that...maybe the scent of...my...excitement...might get easier for your control too?" I asked in barely a whisper. I looked at the floor as I spoke.

Edward's eyes narrowed then. He cocked his head to the side. A smile appeared on his lips then. "It's definitely a possibility. But there is only one way to find out..." he finished as I felt his lips meet mine...

A/N: Okay, so this is definitely the longest chapter I've written so far. Whoa. I'm generally pleased with how it turned out, and hope you are too.

Edward's breakdown was VERY difficult for me to write personally. Truth be told, I had tears in my eyes I described the image of Bella in his mind. It's a powerful idea for me – Edward's vision of Bella being an Angel. What didn't make the edit in the original flashback, was that when she said "I love you" she had sadness in her eyes, as well as understanding. She knew what he was going to do, but loved him, and would forgive him.

Not sure what's next. Hmmm. As some of you know, I don't plan anything before I write. LoL. I just sit down, and see where it takes me. So next chapter is a bit of a mystery now, but I'm sure I'll figure it out. ;)