The jeep rattled over the dirt road.

The main problem, of course, was dodging the piles of wreckage that littered the highway. Jill stepped on the brakes slightly, letting the car sweep safely past an overturned Jetta, its inhabitant snarling, trying to get out, trying to eat the flesh of the living. Beside Jill, Alice stared into her own reflection, parting her lips. Her eyes focused on movement beyond the window, and a bent road sign swept into view: THE CITY. POP. THREE MILLION.

Ever since the zombie plague began to sweep across the world, Alice had been expecting each city to bring with it an unnerving silence. Not so -- here and there were still spotted civilization -- parts of the cities still trying to keep things together -- restaurants still staffed, grocery stores still attempting to carry on some means of distributing food, banks still open for however many their customers were left. Soon they'd all be left to ruin, of course, all flesh for the dead.

Here was a bank, coming up on the left, closed in around it by red-brick buildings, sun-drenched light, and in the distance, the spire of a tall church. Jill grunted, her hand on the cloth-wrapped bunch of bills sitting on her lap, taken from the safe of the Umbrella corporation they'd just escaped. "Seems like a good place to make a deposit."

"Mhm," Alice said.

"Make sure we're not being watched, okay?"

"Well, I'll do my best. There's a lot of places here for eyes to hide."

"But -- I thought you could tell when people were looking at you."

"What?"

"Your power. When people are looking at you through closed-circuit television, you can sense them watching and make them die, right?"

"I can make people die without them having to see me through a closed-circuit television!"

"What?"

"I can just look at someone and make them die. With my mind. Blood out their eyes and everything."

"Well -- then -- how'd you know the guy was looking at you? Wait -- you're telepathic, right? You can sense minds, right? From how far away can you sense minds? Can you sense my mind?"

"No, I can't sense minds."

"Hold on, I can figure this out. The security room in the Umbrella building was probably on a different floor, right, so that's a good -- man, you can probably sense minds from far away."

The bank door opened as they pulled up, and a man in a grey jacket and grey hat passed them, tipping his hat to them as they passed. "Ladies."

Beneath the grey jacket was a preacher's outfit, and a collar. "Hm," Jill said, watching him. "I wonder how the whole zombipocalypse thing will bode for the Catholic Church, huh?"

"I can't sense minds," Alice said.

"Ah," Jill said. "There's Carlos."

Carlos appeared beside the car, two coffees in his hands and shouldered open the door. He handed the coffee to Jill and Alice.

"Did you remember sugar?" Jill asked.

"I'm Carlos," Carlos said. "And I remember everything."

"Did anyone follow you?"

"I don't know. Alice, did anyone follow me?"

Alice blinked. "How should I know?"

"Well, you can sense minds, can't you?"

"Why the hell would you think I sense minds?"

"Well, like you killed that one guy. Who was watching you on the closed-circuit television."

"I don't know how I killed him okay? It doesn't actually make sense. What, could I have killed him if he hadn't been watching me in the television screen?"

"But you smiled and everything!" Carlos blinked. He leaned forward, staring at Alice. His brow furrowed.

"What the fuck?" Alice said.

"You've got... Jill, do you see that?"

"See what?" Jill leaned in, staring at Alice. "See what? I don't see anything?"

"Her eyes," Carlos said. "See the Umbrella logo?"

"No," Jill said. "I don't see anything."

"Anyways, the point," Alice said, "is that I can't sense minds."

"Maybe you could," Jill said, "and then you forgot how."

"But I'm Alice," Alice said. "I remember everything."

A dark figure smacked against their window and Alice jumped, turning and staring at the grimy homeless man wiping his greasy fingers along their window.

"Whatcha buying?!" the man asked.

"What the fuck?" Alice said.

"Welcome, stranger!" the man shouted. "Got some rare things on sale, stranger! What're ya selling?!"

"Oh good god, get away!"

"Come back anytime!"

XXXX

The sheets stained with sweat and sex, LJ sat up and wiped his forehead clean with the barrel of his fucking ridiculous pistol.

Next to him a man sat up and said, "Somehow I managed to get myself involved with the incident in Raccoon City." He trailed a finger along LJ's shoulder. "First day in the force."

LJ looked down at Leon's penis. "You motherfucker is crazy! You big motherfucker got a rocket launcher!"

"Used to be a cop myself," Leon said. "Only for a day though."

"I usually drive a cadillac!"

"I knew you'd be fine if you landed on your butt."

"Shit, maybe I was safer outside. Get that gun out of my damn face. Motherfucker, please, look: My shit is custom."

"Saddler, you bastard!"

"... Who the fuck's Saddler?'

XXXX

The bank door's jingled as Jill walked in, carrying the cloth bag of dollars. There was barely anyone in line for the teller, so she wandered up along towards the only teller in the place, a tall young man with black hair and brown eyes.

"Oh! Customer," he said. "Hi there, how can I help you?"

"Just a deposit," Jill said, setting the money aside. She looked down the tag on the teller's shirt. "Daniels? That a first name or last name."

"Last name." He tapped on the computer, brought up Jill's information. "One moment, please."

"Right," Jill said, turning around and leaning on the counter. She watched Alice and Carlos walk in.

The teller glanced over and saw exactly what he didn't want to see: a black swirling figure moving in the reflection in the computer. "Go away," he hissed. "Don't you think you've stayed your welcome long enough? You're just a figment of my imagination."

"Sure," the Cloaked Leader hissed, moving closer, its black-on-white figure growing steadily darker. "Sure I will, Laid, you fucker, once you take that pen and stab that woman in the back of the neck."

"It'd never reach," Laid muttered, filling out the forms. "Attached to the counter with a chain, remember?"

"Did you say something?" Jill asked.

"Just that your deposit went off without a hitch," Laid said, sliding over the receipt. "If I could just have you sign this?"

"There!" the Cloaked Leader shouted. "As she's leaning in! Bash her face into the counter!"

"Aren't you the classy one," Laid said.

"Sorry?" JIll asked.

"Did you sign it?"

"Yep, all signed."

"Right, this one's yours and this one's mine. You're all set--"

Jill's eyes fell on the crystal hanging on a string around Laid's neck. "Is that diamond?"

"Huh?" His fingers clasped the crystal, warm to the touch, feeling the slight, imperceptible but vast, heartbeat inside. "No."

"That Jill, huh?" Carlos asked Alice, who staring at the water dripping out of a water fountain in the back (there was an ant who, spotting Alice's reflection in the water, was now writhing in agony, blood pouring out of its eyes).

"What about her?" Alice asked.

"Do you ever think a girl like her and a guy like me could ever--"

"No."

The door opened and a huge man in a trenchcoat and fedora leapt in, shouting for everyone to hit the decks, that this was a robbery, to get down and put their hands behind their heads. Behind him came a young pretty Chinese woman, another huge man in a trenchcoat and a fedora, and a man who was, for all intents and purposes, the twin of the teller.

Laid's jaw dropped. "Ee-Ell?"

"Laid?" Faye asked.

"Good Laid?" Evil Laid asked. "Huh, what a strange bank to choose to rob."

"Aren't you supposed to be in Alaska?" Laid asked.

"Canonically, yes," Evil Laid said. "But anything goes in an AU fic, it seems. Right. So. The robbery, then."

Carlos dropped to the ground, and put his hands behind his head. Alice and Jill stared at him.

"Okay, right," Laid said, looking at the clock. "It's absolutely lovely to see you guys, but my shift ends at three, so could we please wait and leave the crime-making to happen when I'm not here?"

The door behind him opened, and Ralph came in, a cigarette in his mouth. He paused, staring at the scene. Laid turned and looked at him.

"Ralph?"

"Aren't they supposed to be in Alberta?"

"Alaska," Evil Laid said. "But it's an AU fic."

"Uh huh."

"Ralph," Laid said. "You don't smoke."

"No, but I thought I'd take it up," Ralph said, lighting the end of the cigarette. "Thought it'd make me look debonair."

He took a drag and puked all over the bank counter.

"Weird work day?" Jill asked, stepping back from the dripping vomit.

"Nah," Laid said, pinching the bridge of his nose. "This is basically Monday for me."

"Right," Evil Laid said. "So. Money. Large bags of it. Good Laid, if you'd be so good as to start spooning out the cash?"

"Laid, it's great to see you again," Faye said, smiling. "Apparently there's a zombipocalypse going on outside?"

"News to me," Laid said.

"Zombies," Ralph said, recovering, "are fast buggers. Look like horses, only striped."

"Those are zebras, Ralph."

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck, you're right."

"Money, Laid?" Evil Laid said. "We're robbing a bank. The get together can be left until later."

"Why are you guys robbing a bank?" Laid asked.

"We're poor," Faye said. "Also, I'm trying to learn the ropes. You know, you can't be a decent gangster without robbing at least one bank."

"Goes without saying," Ralph said.

"I'm going to step in here," Alice said. "I'm not going to let you rob the bank."

Two massive guns swept out and came to bear on Alice's face.

"I can kill you with my mind," Alice said. "I'm Alice and I can remember everything. I forget nothing. There is nothing that my hippocampus does not, in some part, retain."

"Alice!" a voice shouted. The bank door slammed open and Major Cain appeared. "I've been looking all over for you!"

"Huh?"

"We're having a family dinner today, remember?"

"Oh. Yeah."

"You didn't forget, did you?"

"Forget? Major Cain, I'm Alice and I-"

"Darkshade," Evil Laid said, rubbing his head. "Why didn't you lock the door?"

Darkshade blinked. "I thought that was Lobo's job."

"I thought it was Faye's job," Lobo said.

Jill straightened. "Wait. Alice, you have family dinners with Major Cain?"

Alice nodded, shamefaced. She remembered the last one, all of them seated at a table, Major Cain at the head of the table chewing on his chicken, Alice eating her Program Alice pills and floating in her blue tank of water, and Matt, the Nemesis, chowing down on some fetuses.

"I'm disappointed with you, Matt," Major Cain said. "You're supposed to be the top in the Nemesis program. How do you explain these grades?"

"RARUHAUGHUHGHHDUH!"

"Alice, please calm down, I'm questioning your brother. Eat quietly."

"He's not my brother! He's hideous and ugly!"

"But you are like brother and sister. Heightened speed, agility, the same killer-"

"RAUHGUHGIJSKJGKJGJ!!"

"Alice, I told you to-"

"Major Cain, that was Matt this time."

"Oh, yes, of course. Matt, about these grades. I thought you'd be better as this parallel strands of research. You showed such promise."

"Maybe it's because he's so mutated."

"Alice! It's not mutation! It's evolution!"

"RARAUGUGARUGH!"

"Matt!"

"No, Major, that was me again this time."

"Well, Alice, maybe you should chew your pills quieter this time."

And now, standing in the bank, Alice realized that she couldn't go back to the blue tank of water, that she couldn't go back to living with the Nemesis. She wanted her Rain back. She wanted to hold her and tell the bitch that she could kiss her, if only the opportunity arose during all the mayhem and zombie-killing action.

The door opened again, knocking Major Cain off his feet.

"Laid?" Lydia said, peeking in. "Are you done your shift yet?"

Evil Laid shook his head. "This is such a bizarre crossover."

Major Cain rolled over onto his back and said, "But there'd be pancakes..."

"Pancakes?" Ralph said, his head snapping up. He looked over at Laid. "Pancakes would be nice."

"RARUAURAUURUAUGH!"

"Alice!"

"No, that was Laid this time."