Zombie Follies

1.

"That is the castle," Leon said, pointing beyond the trees. "That is where we must go."

"Caramba!" Rain said, having suddenly appeared. "It looks like something outta Dracula!"

"It is Dracula's castle," Leon said. He turned back to look at them and lightning zapped the sky, turning the universe's colour palette inside out.

"I don't believe you," Jill said, moving past Alice and looking out at the gloomy castle in the distance. "I thought you said Los Illuminados kidnapped Ashley. You know, the sinister cult."

"The cult of Dracula," Leon said.

"Oh noooo," wailed Carlos. "Dracula is nosferatu. He devours men's souls!"

"Dracula's castle is a creature of chaos," Leon said. "Buut I'm sure its architecture will make complete sense."

He stepped forwards and tripped over a huge crate of shotgun shells. "Score!" he shouted as he fell. He twisted around in the mud and started stuffing shells into his pockets.

"Big deal," Rain said. "I found a pack of grenades over here."

"There's a pile of ammunition under this tree too," Alice said. "Where does all of this come from?"

Leon looked up, confused. "What do you mean?"

"The whole time we've been here we've been finding case after case of bullets just lying around."

"... Yeah?"

"Doesn't that strike you as odd?"

"No?"

"Really?"

"Wow, looks like this is someone's first zombie attack. Every time I have to fight zombies, there's always been ammo lying around."

"Jill, has this been the case with you?"

Jill shrugged. "Don't look at me. I'm the Jill from the movies, remember? I don't know shit."

"But--" Alice grasped for words. "Where does all this ammo come from?"

Leon thought for a moment. "You know how flies spontaneously appear in cow dung?"

"No."

"I think it's like that."

"You think ammo boxes spontaneously appear."

"Well, what explanation do you have, smarty-pants, huh?" He shook his head. "Geeze."

2.

The Bloody Zombie wandered down the corridor until he reached the far door. He looked at the knife in his hand. A few cultists passed by, discussing their plans for Los Granados. The Bloody Zombie waved at them, but they ignored him. My job is important! he thought.

He accidentally stepped on a crow with his right foot and the bird exploded into a cloud of feathers and priceless gems. The door ahead opened and a man in a hooded jacket ran through, hurriedly laying down boxs of ammunition. The Bloody Zombie waved at him, but the man ignored him, moving into the next room.

The Bloody Zombie turned his attention back to his job at hand, and paced back down the corridor, past the rows of stained-glass windows. Occasionally, he swiped at the air with his knife. At the other end of the corridor, he could see three skeletons setting up a tall ladder.

"... window washing, window washing," the first skeleton said. "We're spending our eternal undeaths window washing."

"Better than those Regenerators downstairs," the second one said. "They spend their deaths wandering around medical labs shooting spikes at people."

"I hate those flying medusa heads," the third skeleton said, but the others ignored him.

"I'll move the ladder over," the first skeleton said, shifting the ladder to the side.

"Ow! You bozo! You put it on my footbones!" The second skeleton slapped the first, sending his skull spinning around with a slide-whistle noise.

"Take this, you banana-face!" the first skeleton said, swinging his fist. The second skeleton ducked, and the fist hit the third skeleton.

"Why, I oughta--" The third skeleton picked up the bucket of susdy water and splashed the other two.

"You ninny!" The first skeleton picked up a squeegie and struck the third, sending him stumbling back and connecting with the Bloody Zombie.

"Nooooo-ooo-ooo--!!" the Bloody Zombie shrieked, exploding into copious amounts of blood.

The skeletons stared at its remains and started calling each other names.

"Whaddya we gonna tell the boss about the carpet?" the third skeleton asked.

The second skeleton shrugged. "We-ell, we should just paint the rest of it red and call it a makeover."

The first skeleton slapped him.

"Wait!" the third skeleton said. "I know how to fix this! What if-- what if we left the room, then went back in? He'd be here again, like it never happened!"

They agreed it was a good idea. They strode out proudly, shut the door, then strode back in.

Indeed, there was the Bloody Zombie, standing there again. Immediately, he waved his arms and screamed, "Noooo-ooo-ooo!!" and vanished into an explosion of blood. A woman in a red dress stood behind the mess, pointing a smoking gun.

The first skeleton snickered. "I wonder if he ever 'Ada' chance?"

The second skeleton grinned. "But he did such a good job. I never got to tell him 'Ada boy'."

The third skeleton nodded. "He'd been working so 'Wong' here, you'd think he would have done a better job of climbing the corporate 'Ada'."

"Oh," Ada said, aiming the gun at them. "And here I thought skele-puns were a myth. Still, when it comes to ribbing me, you guys sure are lazy bones."

"I think she's going to shoot us in our humerus," the first skeleton said.

"No," she replied. "After hearing those puns, I think someone's already removed your funny bones."

"Ouch," the skeletons said, but mainly because she shot them.

3.

They approached the castle doors across the drawbridge, when they suddenly opened. Alice threw herself to the side as gunfire exploded out, shooting across the drawbridge and into Leon. Leon collapsed, unable to survive the onslaught of, like, a gazillion bullets.

"Leooooooon!!" Carlos shouted, falling to his knees and roaring at the sky.

"No time for grieving, Dr. Jones," a voice said, from inside the castle. Alice looked up to see...

... Leon?!

Leon walked out of the castle wearing an elegant coat over an expensive looking suit. He wore a scarf and a fedora. He carried a smoking tommy-gun. "Check that fella's corpse," he said. "I think you'll find he's a robot."

Carlos bent over Leon's body. "He's right! There're wires sticking out of his bullet holes. He is a robot!"

"A robot made of zombie pigeons," Actual-Leon said.

Sure enough, Robot-Leon burst into dozens of zombie birds. Actual-Leon fired bursts of tommy-gun rounds into the flock, raining priceless gems and feathers down onto the drawbridge.

"Yep," he said, striding out onto the drawbridge. "Me an' my Chicago Typewriter here, see, we been cutting a mighty fine swath through these zombie-types, yeah."

Alice stared at the pile of feathers and circuitry that used to be Robot-Leon. "Uh," she said. "Maybe we'll just be toddling along now."

"Not so fast, sister," Leon said. "If me an' my magic tommy-gun have anything to say, it's that I could use some help finding the president's spawn, see?"

"Magic tommy-gun?" Carlos asked, eyes wide. "How'd you get one of those?"

"Put a phoenix feather innit," Leon said. "Now get moving, see?"