Disclaimer: Rent was created by Jonathan Larson. Someone else now has the rights to it; I'm not sure who, but not me. I'm only having a bit of fun. Please don't sue me... pretty please?
Roger twisted and moaned. His body was safe, curled up to Mark in their warm bed, but his mind was back in his ex-boyfriend's apartment, the first time he had been put out on the porch. He hadn't known then that it was safe on the porch. And he had a nice view, fresh air. Sure, he was hungry, but he was safe. He hadn't known that he was put out for his own safety, and he fought. As his mind commanded, his body struggled.
Mark woke up with a start. Something about Roger's sleep was off. Mark had grown accustomed to Roger's sleep habits. He was usually very relaxed but slept with little movement once he had drifted off. Instead, he was tense and starting to thrash. Mark tried to comfort him but it did little good. He became increasingly disturbed and started to mumble. Mark couldn't make out what he was saying until suddenly he called out "Robert!"
Was that Roger's boyfriend's name?
"No! Robert, stop!" Roger knew now how useless reasoning was, but then he had been dragged until his arm dislocated and thrown onto the porch. Roger popped the bone back into place and pounded on the door--his fists flailed--"Robert!" he yelped, hurt and scared. "Come back!"
Mark took his shoulder and started to shake it. "Roger! Roger! Wake up! You're having a nightmare."
"Stop, please--" he began, in his dream suddenly being shaken, then his eyes snapped open. "What? Mark?" Oh. It hadn't been real--oh, it had. But he was here. He was safe. "Mark," he repeated. Roger put his arms around Mark and pressed his face to his chest.
"It's okay, Roger. It was only a dream. I'm here for you." He kept his voice low and soothing, rubbing Roger's back to get him to relax. Mark felt his grip encircle him tightly. Roger was so tense. "Do you need to talk about it?"
Roger nodded, then shook his head. He wasn't sure, just happy here, holding Mark. He could feel Mark's ribs and sternum through his skin and muscle, and that comforted him. "Thank you for being here," he whispered.
"I'm here as long as you need me," he replied. "Now go back to sleep." Mark secured his hold on Roger again and shifted so he would be comfortable. He tried to get his body to relax, but his mind was too active. Who was Robert? Would Roger be safe?
Roger pulled away enough to look at Mark's face, and he smiled. Mark made him feel very safe, Roger realized. He trusted Mark. Gently he pressed his lips to Mark's.
Mark was startled by the action, but returned the kiss, leaning into it.
After a moment, Roger withdrew. He settled against Mark again and closed his eyes. "Good night, Mark."
"Pleasant dreams, Roger," he whispered before drifting off again.
A few hours later, Mark got up and decided to let Roger sleep. He needed his rest after the difficult day yesterday, and that nightmare hadn't helped matters. Mark decided to grab a bagel en route to the office, so he took his briefcase and keys and headed out the door.
Outside Mark's office, Roger's brother sat with his head on his knees. He wasn't a big fan of eight o'clock in the morning. At least, he knew, Mark would recognize him--that is, if Roger looked anything like he did three years ago. They had always looked similar.
When he saw Mark approaching, he stood up quickly. Or more, unfurled himself. He was tall, lanky, and exactly what Roger would have looked like if he was healthy. They had the same green eyes, but Adam's challenged; they had the same dark, dark, dark blond hair, but Roger's hung limp and was always oily. Adam was beautiful.
"Adam?" Mark enquired. At the other man's nod, he offered his hand. "Mark Cohen. Why don't we talk in my office? We have a lot to discuss."
Adam nodded again. Yes, they had a lot to discuss--like the whereabouts of his little brother, for one. He followed Mark into the office and sprawled in the patients' chair. "Where is he?"
Mark took the other one for himself. "Roger had a rough night last night. I got him to talk about some of the things he went through, and then he had a nightmare. I let him sleep in, today. Besides, I have my doubts that I could convince him that he'd be completely safe if I asked him to come here."
"What are you insinuating?" Adam asked. He sat, but kept his eyes on Mark, wary. He had difficulty trusting Roger's taste in men.
Mark squared his shoulders but looked directly at Adam. He didn't want to appear defensive but wanted to show that he'd be honest with Roger's brother. "Nothing. For some reason, he's scared to come here, even for a check up."
"Fine." Actually, it was a relief for Adam since what he heard was 'your brother doesn't want to see you'. He had trouble ceding, though. He knew Mark Cohen, had known him for a long time--they attended the same temple, after all--but he just couldn't swallow his pride. "So... what's been going on? Can you tell me that? Where's he been?"
"It's not exactly that easy to tell you. I've gotten him to talk a little, but I had to piece together some of what has happened, and I still don't know the whole story. Hell, I don't even know where to start. I do know he's been with the same man until about a week ago when he showed up on my doorstep."
Okay... so he was seeing the same person for a few years. Maybe that wasn't even a bad thing. "But he's okay?"
"He is now," Mark stated. "But he's been through a lot. I met him here, at the office a couple of months ago. He was in a lot of pain from a broken arm. I'm not supposed to get into the details under doctor-patient confidentiality, but it wasn't from a fall down the stairs, if you catch my meaning. He had other injuries too." Mark tried to figure where to go from there. "In a follow-up visit, I treated him for a severe burn and gave him my number in case he needed help. He called me a little while later, but had to cut his call short.
"His boyfriend came on the line then and had him apologize for bothering me. I didn't hear from him until he showed up at my house."
Adam didn't even think about that for a moment. It didn't make sense. His mind couldn't place it, couldn't handle this information. "So he's okay now," he said slowly. "But you can't tell me anything. Is there anything you can tell me that doesn't fall under doctor-patient confidentiality?"
"Over the past week, I've been noticing little things about Roger. He's constantly trying to please me, cooking and cleaning and doing anything he can think of. He's reluctant to disagree with me and will go out of his way not to contradict me. We went to the market after temple to get ingredients for a pie and I had a hard time remembering condensed milk. I kept calling it converted milk and instead of correcting me, he suggested using a different ingredient.
"He has a constant need to know what the 'rules' are. When I asked him about rules, he told me his boyfriend had them for when things got bad. I'm still not entirely sure what bad means for Roger. These behaviors are consistent with abuse, as are the injuries I saw on him in the office."
"Okay... okay... so... he's scared of... you--no offense." It's just the idea that bothered him, that his brother should be afraid of mousy little Mark Cohen. When they had last lived together Roger was approaching the point of kicking Adam's ass, and for a scrawny preemie mutant (as Adam enjoyed calling him) that was quite something. Roger held his own. What the hell had this guy done to him? "I need to see him."
"I understand that, but we should make sure that he's ready to see you. From what he tells me, you didn't part on the best of terms, and now he's blaming himself for causing you pain by staying away for so long. He thinks your family will hate him." Mark looked apologetic. "I've tried to convince him otherwise, but it may take time before he's ready to see anyone. I'll encourage him. I think seeing you would help him get through what happened."
"No. I need to see him. You know, that's bullshit, because even though we did fight-- a lot-- I love him. And he knows that. It's, it's so easy for you to say all that, tell me he's okay, but he wasn't your responsibility. And you can go home and see him. You didn't wonder for years-- you don't know what that's like. You're telling me now that you know where my brother is, but that I can't see him. Try to consider what you're saying."
Mark shook his head. "No, I don't know what that's like. I don't want to shock him or anything. He's very fragile, emotionally right now, but I do understand."
"We need to see him. His family needs to see him, if only to tell him he can come home when he's ready," Adam insisted. He had waited three years for any news of his brother, and now just a bit just wasn't enough.
"How about I call Roger and see what he thinks? I can't leave work today, but if he's agreeable, you can come by after work. I kind of want to be there for him."
"That'd be good." Surely Roger would want to see him. "So Joshua's out of the question? It's Roger now?"
Mark realized his mistake. "I met him as Roger. He hasn't really used Joshua for a long time, so it's not natural for me to use it. I asked him what he prefers, but he won't challenge me, even if he does have a preference."
"All right. Well. I guess it makes sense." He reached for the phone. "You mind if I...?"
Mark motioned with his hand. "Go right ahead. Let me talk to him when you're done, please." It was a request, not a demand.
Adam dialed. When Roger picked up, he said, "Hey, Joshua."
"Wh-who's this?" Roger asked.
"Adam. I'm in Mark's office. Can I come over tonight? Just me. I need to see you."
Roger agreed quickly. "Of course. You can come over for dinner. Um, as long as Mark says that's okay. It's his house. You should ask--"
"It's fine. Okay. I'll see you then." He offered the phone to Mark.
"Hi, Roger," Mark said. "Adam's really looking forward to seeing you. Are you OK with this? Are you ready to see him?" He didn't dare meet Adam's gaze, but he needed to be certain he was doing the right thing for Roger.
"He wants to see me," Roger said. Adam had been not at all unclear about that. "Is it ok with you?"
"Of course it is. I'm glad you'll see him. I'm proud of you."
"O-okay," Roger stammered. He wasn't used to hearing anyone say anything so nice to him.
"I'll try to finish up early tonight, so we'll have plenty of time to visit your brother. Do you need anything from the market for dinner?"
"No," Roger answered quickly. Dinner would be ready when Mark arrived, just like it always was. "Unless you want something specific," he added.
"No, whatever you make will be fine. We'll see you tonight, OK?"
"Okay. W-will you tell Adam that I love him?" he asked nervously. He knew it was a risk, since he hadn't said he loved Mark... but he wasn't sure he did love Mark. He liked him a lot, thought he was kind and charismatic and attractive, but he didn't love him yet.
"Of course. If there's nothing else, I probably should get off the phone. Have a good day."
"You too. Thank you, Mark. For everything."
"You're welcome, Roger." With that he hung up the phone and turned to Adam. "He wanted me to tell you that he loves you."
Mark left his office and headed for home, wondering if Adam had arrived yet or not. He hoped everything would go smoothly and that Roger would realize that his family really did want to see him and would accept him. He pulled into the empty driveway and walked into the house. "Roger?" he called.
Roger hurried out of the kitchen. "Hey," he said. "How was your day?" He glanced around, thinking Adam might have arrived with Mark. Seeing only Mark relieved him. Roger was still not completely ready.
"Pretty good. Only a handful of patients came in today. Nothing too tedious but no crises." Mark sniffed the air, smelling the aroma of home cooking. "Whatever you're cooking smells delicious."
"I'm glad your day went well. And thank you. I'm making brisket. It's almost ready." The doorbell rang, and Roger jumped. "M-maybe you should answer it," he suggested. The moment Mark's back was turned, he beat a quick retreat into the kitchen. It was probably Adam, but if it wasn't, Roger wanted to be as inconspicuous as possible. What if it was someone from Mark's office? Then that person might let slip at work that Roger was here...
Mark went to the door and opened it to find Adam on the doorstep. "Come on in," he said, stepping aside to allow him entry. "Roger's making brisket and it smells incredible." He looked over his shoulder. "Roger? Where did you go? Roger? Adam's here."
He crept out of the kitchen, took one look at his brother and ducked his head. "Hi," he whispered.
Adam couldn't help it: his mind understood on some level, but his conscious mind didn't. "Josh. Hey, c'mon, it's me."
"It's nice to see you," he whispered. "Dinner's ready," he added, then went into the kitchen to set the table. Adam looked to Mark.
"He's afraid, I think. His self-worth is pretty low, and I think he's afraid that you're ashamed of him." He started toward the kitchen. "Just let him set the pace, and respect his boundaries if he doesn't want to talk about something. He's probably changed a lot. How can he be the same person he was before?"
"Trust me, he's not," Adam said. He followed Mark into the kitchen.
Roger had set the table. He hadn't put out drinks, since he didn't know if he wanted to offer Mark beer. Not that he would object if Mark wanted a beer, but he didn't like drinking and he sure wouldn't suggest it. "Drinks?" he asked.
"I'll get 'em. You sit," Adam told him. "Mark, what do you want?"
Remembering Roger's reaction to his request for a beer before, Mark decided that he didn't want to make the situation any more tense. "I'll have a soda please." He stressed the word, trying to convey telepathically that alcohol would not be a good idea.
Adam wasn't old enough to drink--that hadn't ever stopped him, but he had been trained not to do certain things as a guest (drink alcohol; smoke; tell dirty jokes), so he grabbed three sodas and plunked them on the table. "Thank you," Roger told him. He took a soda and waited for Mark to join them.
Mark sat down and opened his can. He really had no idea of what to say. After all, his mother's etiquette lessons never covered what to do when long lost brothers sit down at your table after several years of not speaking to each other. He searched his brain for a topic because he knew Roger would never start a conversation. "So, Adam, are you a student?"
He nodded. "Yeah. I'm majoring in English and studying photography, also. Basically I want to work for National Geographic. I'm still living at home, though, 'cause..." Because their parents couldn't stand to have him gone with Roger missing. Adam didn't mind--it saved a lot on housing fees--but he guessed from Mark's description that mentioning that might be a bad idea. "Eh. I was never the smart one, though. Roger, you in school?"
Roger shook his head. He didn't raise his eyes from his plate.
Mark decided take the attention off of Roger. "Photography, huh? I dabbled a little with that in college as electives, though I preferred film. It's still a hobby of mine."
"When you get bored of treating old ladies' bad chests?" he asked, teasing. Roger shook his head slightly, but the gesture went unnoticed. "I'm sorry. I hear it from your mother. She's very proud."
"Tell me about it. Every time I run into someone from temple, they tell me how proud my mother is of me. Either that, or they ask for a free diagnosis." He chuckled. "I just wish she'd stop trying to set me up with women."
"Didn't she try to set you up with my sister last time? I applaud your choice to run in fear."
"Oh, that wasn't me. That was Roger. She tried to set him up with Sasha." Mark laughed. "Roger had a good idea that we should double date with lesbians to get her off my back."
"Ooh, that would've been good," Adam said, laughing along with Mark. "So you two are a couple now?" he asked.
Mark looked over at Roger and then nodded. "Yes, we are. We're taking it slow, but I'm very lucky to have him."
"Take care of him," he said, allowing the threat, or else, to go unspoken. "Roger, when did you learn to cook like this?" he asked. He tried to say "Roger" as much as possible, tried to get used to it.
"When I was living with my ex."
"Well... it's really good."
He smiled. Didn't look up, but smiled. "Thank you."
Mark nodded in agreement. "I've been spoiled since Roger moved in. He's giving my mother a run for her money with his cooking. And he's a better baker. I can't believe his pies."
"Wow. Don't tell Mom, she can't even make cookies. Your ex must've been a pretty awful cook."
"N-no, he could cook... he just liked me to."
"Did you like to?"
Roger nodded.
"Oh. Well that's all right then. Why'd you leave him?"
"C-c-cause..." Roger looked to Mark.
Mark reached over the table and grabbed Roger's hand. "It's not my story to tell. I think you can trust Adam."
"Because I'm a coward," Roger answered softly. "He's sick. I couldn't deal with that."
Mark cocked his head and looked at Roger. He hadn't mentioned anything about sickness before, but he didn't want to question him in front of his brother. He just waited for Roger to continue.
Adam shook his head. "You're so full of shit, Josh. You didn't leave him because he was sick."
"He is sick," Roger said. He raised his voice just above a whisper. "He's a sick man and I thought I could make him better. I thought he would try to get better. I was wrong. I paid for that until I got tired of paying for his failures." He hunched his shoulders, waiting for the judgment that would inevitably result of this admission.
Mark got up and put his arms around Roger to comfort him. "You're right. He was sick, but it was a sickness he could take control over. I'm glad you had the courage to leave."
Roger shivered. It wasn't that he didn't appreciate Mark, he did, he just worried that he would start to cry if this continued. "I-is everyone finished eating? I'll clear the table," he volunteered, but he didn't move.
Mark gave him another hug. "It's alright. I'll clear. You talk with Adam."
"I should go get something," Adam said. "I brought you some of your old stuff." He headed outside and Roger started clearing the table, letting Mark help him.
Mark handed Roger some of the plates. "How are you doing?" he asked. He wondered how much of an emotional impact Adam's presence was having on Roger.
"Okay." He started to rinse the plates, then sighed. It wasn't right of him to lie to Mark. "I shouldn't make excuses for my behavior. I know that."
Mark passed him dirty dishes to rinse. "You shouldn't make excuses for his behavior either."
"At least he tried. I just ran out." He shook his head. "Would you excuse me for a moment?"
Mark nodded. "I'll go back to the table."
"I-I meant… I have to go to the bathroom," he explained. Roger dried his hands and went upstairs. He'd been wailing on himself whenever he started to feel an insurmountable guilt, which is what he did just then. He couldn't focus on anything but the pain.
Meanwhile, Adam returned hauling a ratty black backpack by one strap. "Hey," he said. "Where's Josh-- um. Roger?"
"He's using the facilities," Mark explained. "What did the rest of your family say when you told them about talking to Roger?"
Adam shrugged. "They didn't say anything. I didn't tell them."
Mark wasn't all that surprised. He supposed it would be cruel to say anything when the others weren't able to see him, too. Maybe they could arrange something, but who knew when Roger would be ready to see everyone. "So you snuck his stuff out?"
"Yeah. We never really wanted to consider the possibility that Roger had died, so his room is just how he left it, sans the dirty laundry. There are also the presents in the closet. We've kept the same nondescript boy things in case he should come home, you know, some Christmas or Hanukkah. I brought him the baseball. Our parents won't miss it for another month or so, and hopefully by then..."
"... by then he'll be mending fences and speaking with the rest of your family. I'm not going pressure him, but I hope he'll be ready for that soon." Mark thought for a moment. "Are you going to say anything?"
"To my parents? No. 'Your son is fine, but you can't see him'? It sounds like a ransom note, and it's cruel."
Roger returned. He started drying the dishes. "Rog, I brought you some stuff," Adam said. "Not clothes, since they wouldn't fit, just... stuff."
"Thanks, Adam."
Adam shifted slightly. He wasn't good at thank-yous, giving or receiving. "Mark, do you have anything sugar-oriented?"
Mark wasn't sure. "Roger, do we have dessert?" He usually kept frozen yogurt in the freezer in case he craved something sweet, and they hadn't indulged since Roger had moved in, so he could offer that if necessary.
Roger dried his hands and pulled a plate down from the cabinet. He'd made unnecessarily chunky macadamia nut cookies, just in case.
"I ask because the mutant brother I remember was a sugar fiend," Adam said.
Roger blushed. "Adam..."
"Well you used to be," he said. "You stole my cupcake." He took a cookie and gave one to Roger. He held out one to Mark.
Roger's eyes widened at the cupcake remark. "I was six!" he protested.
Mark accepted the cookie and took a bite. It was heavenly. "Roger, this is to die for. I've never had such a good cookie."
He grinned and blushed. "I'm glad you like it," he said.
Adam finished his cookie. "So, Roger... why didn't you call us?" he asked. "I know you and Dad fought but why punish the rest of us?"
"I wasn't punishing anyone, Adam. He just... I wasn't... he told me not to call."
"What?!"
"Well he told me he talked to Mom and Dad and they never wanted to see me again--"
"You believed that?" Adam asked, incredulous.
"If I didn't, it was calling him a liar."
"He was a liar. Mom and Dad never said that. They wouldn't say that. You didn't think to question this guy?"
"He-- I-- it wasn't..."
Mark wrapped Roger in a hug to calm him down. "I don't think Roger had a lot of opportunities to question him," he said softly.
"Okay. Well just so you know, your family loves you. And you can come home whenever you want--to visit or whatever." Adam sighed. "I should go... it was really good to see you." He hugged Roger tightly.
"I'll walk you out," Roger volunteered. They hugged again at the door, then Roger returned to Mark. "Did I do ok?" he asked.
"You did fine. I'm glad you got to reconnect with your brother. Do you think you'll want to talk to the rest of your family any time soon?"
"I don't know." He hadn't been able to explain to a single person why he had and hadn't done things... He shuddered. "Maybe not. Maybe we can head to bed soon?"
"Don't you want to see what Adam brought for you?"
He didn't, but he opened the backpack because Mark wanted him to. He found a baseball, some books and three of his favorite pairs of socks. He smiled. "Cool."
"It must be weird, seeing him again," commented Mark. He couldn't imagine being separated from his family like that. True at times, he wished they'd disappear, but he didn't really mean it.
"I just wonder what he thinks of me," Roger replied. He wanted to get to bed, just sleep and forget about this day, about how cowardly he was.
"He's happy to see you again. This morning, when you weren't at my office, he was so disappointed. I thought he was going to head over here as soon as he left the building. I think it's like a miracle to him to have you back."
No, Roger thought, because he wanted his brother, and he got me instead. He hated that feeling, the overwhelming disappointment. He wasn't what Adam wanted. He wasn't what anyone wanted. He was a pathetic waste of space.
"I'm gonna go to bed, ok?" he said.
"Ok," said Mark. "I'll be up shortly. I'm going to read for a little while, then I'll join you." He watched Roger climb the stairs and walk down the hall to the bedroom.
He then went to the study to get a book on Psychology. He was a little confused about what he should be doing for Roger. Obviously, there were many underlying issues: the abuse, reconciling with the family, the incident that triggered Roger's moving out in the first place. He hoped that he could handle this. Roger probably needed counseling, but he did not know how to broach that subject with him. In the mean time, he'd make do with some readings on Stockholm Syndrome, child abuse and family dynamics.
Roger stripped down to his boxers. His thighs were sore and bruised where he'd hit them earlier. He pressed the heel of his hand into one thigh and smiled, then slipped under the covers and closed his eyes. He was happy there, and comfortable, but he didn't want to sleep without Mark. Monsters crept out of the dark, kept at bay only by Roger's consciousness.
Mark flipped through the book and realized his mind really wasn't on the readings. They were well-written and informative, but he was not in the mood do extract the valuable information from the layers of research notes, so he decided just to mark certain pages to read later. He slipped the book into his briefcase to read at the office if he got a change. It had been a long day, so he decided to turn in a mere fifteen minutes after Roger. He crept upstairs, brushed his teeth, stripped down to his boxers, placed the clothes in the hamper and slid in between the sheets next to Roger.
Roger smiled into the darkness and cuddled up to Mark. "Hi," he murmured. He breathed in the scent of Mark's body, relaxing with each breath.
Mark leaned against Roger, feeling his warmth. "I couldn't concentrate enough to read. I just wanted to be with you again."
Roger nuzzled Mark's chest. "I feel safer when you're here," he said.
"I'm glad you feel safe. I want to protect you," said Mark.
Roger pressed closer. He winced when his thighs brushed Mark's knees and resettled himself. "You're a very good person."
Mark moved over to Roger to wrap him more completely in his embrace. "You're a good person, too Roger. You're smart and kind and an amazing cook. Never forget you deserve kindness and love." Mark knew it sounded corny, but thought that Roger needed to hear that often. Maybe he'd eventually believe it.
Roger blushed. He was glad it was dark, so Mark couldn't see. "Thank you, Mark," he whispered. "You're an amazing person. You... you should know that."
"Goodnight, Roger," he whispered. "Pleasant dreams."
to be continued!
Reviews would be very much appreciated