Darce and Spin,
I am sorry. I am a horrible friend and make an even worse girlfriend. I just don't know how to react to people that actually are good to me. I am so used to always having a snapping retort in my head when someone does or says something that hurts me and I shake it off like I am some kind of unfeeling cold monster. That's how I see myself. Don't look at me with pity. Pity is worse than insults and punches because I can never tell if the pitier is sincere, or just doesn't want to feel bad. I always seem to screw things up with the people that actually care about me, trying to push them away so they won't end up rejecting me. I admit it, Darce and Spin, I am a wimp. I don't know how to be a friend, I have never had one before so… I need another chance, please, I will do anything for you. You tell me you don't know me, I agree.
So here goes. Hell, I have nothing left to lose, except you guys. I am such a worthless peace of garbage that my dad hurt me, physically and sexually, just because he wanted to, just because he could. I can't blame him if I don't take full responsibility. He was trying to teach me a lesson that I desperately needed to learn. I can't be innocent. Therefore, he can't be held responsible. I should have been better, but I wasn't. I should have stopped him, but I didn't. I am convinced that the nightmares I will have for the rest of my life are my fault. I am right, aren't I?
Well, because of my dad hurting me, and the shame I felt resulting from that I wasn't able to let people into my life. It was easier to deal with what people said and did when they didn't know my past. Why am I telling you guys then? I think it has something to do with if I don't tell someone then my dad would have won. Those kids at school who insult me and punch me and let others do the same would have won. I have to do something to right my mistakes. I wonder what I did to make him so mad. It had to be something I did, it just had to be.