Chapter 7: Meadow
"Bella. Please come out, talk to me." Jacob begged, I sighed and got off the bed. And opened he door.
"Thank god!" He scooped me up into a big bear hug. Alice didn't like that much, but she didn't make a noise. He finally placed me back on my own feet, and I turned to look at Alice.
"Your sure? The meadow?" I asked, she closed her eyes and began to shake her head/
"Yes he has no immediate want to leave. If he had it his way he'd lay there forever sulking in self pity." she told me, although I could have done without the last part. I didn't want to hear that he was hurt and upset. It would make talking to him more difficult. But I knew it must be done. I had to talk to him again. I had no choice. It was inevitable, if I didn't go, he would surely come find me. And if not him, I'm sure some one else would force us together.
"Bella, no, you cant!" Jacobs frustration toward me locking him out abruptly turned to anger the moment I mentioned going to see Edward. "Don't do this please. Your stupid if you go."
"Shes stupid if she doesn't go dog, she loves him! And your stupid for trying to make her think she doesn't!" Alice hissed and flashed Jacob her teeth.
"She loves me too, he left her, he left her here to rot in hell. And I will be damned if I let him do that to her again!" he was snarling and shaking, I wondered how much longer he could control himself in the presence of his enemy.
"Ha don't make me laugh mongrel I mean it, stay out of it, back of, and go home and lick your wounds. You will never be more than a friendly pet to Bella!"
"Both of you enough! This is my decision and I'm going. I'm sorry Jake I love him, and I love you but as I have said before its not enough. I'm sorry I need to at least talk to him, I owe him that."
"Bella, you owe him nothing, he left you, her broke your heart into a million pieces! He left you broken and bitter and your just going to go running back to him?"
"Do you see me running Jake? I just need to talk to him. There's so many questions, and he is the only one who can answer me truthfully."
"Bella he lied to you, he told he wouldn't leave, and he did. What makes you think you can trust him?"
"I don't know, I don't know if I can but I at least need to find out some answers. Please Jake, I'll be back, just go home. I'll call you when I get home."
"Bella, no, don't do this, Please!" he was pleading now. I felt bad but I didn't know what else to do, what else to say to him to make him realize I needed to talk to Edward. I needed answers.
"I'm sorry Jake." he shook his head. And grabbed me in a hug again, and before I could do anything or say anything I felt his warm soft lips upon mine once again, and Alice growling in the background. I tried to push away but it was no use. Alice growled louder at the sight of me struggling to get free. Jacob pulled away and growled back.
"Don't Bells, stay with me. Please."
"I cant, I'm sorry. And I went to walk away. But decided against it, I looked up at Jake and saw the hurt in his eyes. I knew I was the reason he was in pain. I stood on my tipy toes and reached his cheek, and kissed him softly on the cheek. And whispered I was sorry.
"I'm sorry I have to, you know how I feel, now please understand."
I grabbed Alice and walked away. Leaving Jake probably no doubt shocked and hurt.
"Bella." Alice said as we walked outside and I was about to climb up into my truck. "let me take you, it will be faster." I just stared at her blankly. Not really sure if I wanted to go through the nausea again. Or if I wanted Alice to go at all. No doubt she realized I was hesitant. "I will run you the way there and drop you off right out of Edwards hearing, and he wont be able read my mind either. And I will point you in the direction to go. It would get you there faster. Just close your eyes."
"Ok, but will you stay there and wait for me?" she looked confused, but agreed anyway. I didn't really want to tell her that I might not want to stay there with Edward. I still wasn't sure what I wanted to do. Or say for that matter. He left, he had left me here alone and broken. And it didn't bother him that it would hurt me for him to leave. He thinks its for my own good but I know different, he didn't feel what I felt when he had left me. It felt like I was torn into a million pieces, and no one would ever be able to fix me, to put the pieces back into place. It was like I was one big puzzle or problem, no one would ever figure out and make right, because only he had the solution. I must have been so in my thoughts because I didn't even realize when Alice had lifted me on her back and took off running, all I knew now was the trees were whipping by, and I felt the breeze in my hair. No doubt when I got close enough he would be able to smell me.
"Were here." She lifted me off her back and placed me on the forest floor. I kneeled down and tried to regain my composure. I felt dizzy, sick maybe. I didn't know whether it was from Alice quick speed, or from just the sheer knowledge that I would soon be standing in front of Edward again. "Your going to want to walk straight that way." she said and pointed toward a small opening of light. "I'll be here waiting I guess." she looked annoyed but said nothing. I started walking, trying not to stumble. All the while having battles in my own mind. Should I forgive him? Tell him all is forgotten it was nothing, for my own good. But then the thoughts of how broken I had been fly in, and I become bitter. No he should beg, get down on his knees at my feet and beg for my forgiveness. How could he leave me? Why would he make a promise to me and not keep it. Maybe Jake was right. I forgive him now, and something comes along again and he gets freaked, and decides to leave. Taking my entire life, my entire existence with him. I couldn't do it, I couldn't go through that again. I might just decide to fling myself off a cliff and really drown this time. No its Edward he thought he was doing what was best, he left because it was the only thing he could think of to do to protect me, the only thing that he felt right doing. Ugh but he still left, he still left be broken behind repair. I finally made it to a clearing, and then I saw it, my sparkling glistening Edward laying in the middle of the clearing. And all my bitter thoughts flew out the window. I took in a deep breath, and continued toward him. He was still laying there. It looked like he was mumbling to himself, about what I couldn't hear. I had never seen him like this, he looked so out of place, like he didn't know what to do. It looked like any wrong move would scare him away, so I took my time careful not to trip. I sighed, he was still as beautiful as ever. But he some what looked like I did, a bit, well, a bit broken. Why was he broken, what did he have to be broken about, he left on his own free will. I didn't send him away. I stopped, I couldn't do this, it was hard enough just to stand here and look at him, let alone talk to him. For if he left again I would surely die. To broken to do anything, but that, die. I couldn't live through that pain of him leaving again. I went to turn around, and the wind. God really didn't want me to escape this on harmed. The breeze whipped my hair around my face. I saw Edward tense, his eyes shot open. And soon he was leaning on his arms to hold himself up. And he was looking right at me, those topaz eyes cut deep. My dreams didn't do him justice. He was so god like it should be illegal. I had no other choice, I walked forward.
"Bell, Bella?" He looked nervous, scared even. I chuckled to myself at the thought, a vampire, scared, of me. "I, are you, uh hi."
"Hi." I could do hi, I could say hi. I really needed to stop gawking at him. It was un natural, unhealthy, I would have these visions these images in my head, and it would take all my effort to fight them away when he was gone.
"Are you ok?" and he was on his feet. God why did he have to be so fast. It startled me. "Sorry, I, I didn't mean to.."
"It's fine."
EDWARDS POV
AH, I could smell her, my mind, my body just rejoiced in her presence. It was like nothing I could have ever imagined. She was here right in front of me, so close I could reach out and touch her. No I mustn't. Control yourself Edward, I thought to my self. But I could feel all my will to keep it in failing me, and fast. And in the next second I had her wrapped in my arms, lifting her off her feet, before I realized what I was doing. I placed her gently back on the ground. It was moments like this that I wish I could read her mind. God did I wish I could know what she was thinking. What she wanted me to do. What she wanted me to say. Ugh what was I going to say to her, I left Bella I'm sorry but I had to? It was for your own good. No she wouldn't believe me, would she? Ugh she was beautiful, maybe even more beautiful than she was before. But there was something off, something, she wasn't my happy Bella, she seemed to be filled with sorrow, almost empty. God I had don't that to her. I needed to say something I cant just stare at her.
"Bella. I, didn't mean to, it was a reaction, I'm just so, relieved and happy to see you. When I thought you were. I mean when Alice got that vision I thought, I thought I had lost you." Her face dropped, maybe I shouldn't have said that, said anything, maybe I should have just run, when I saw her just ran left before I could cause her anymore pain.
"Edward." hearing her say my name startled me, god I haven't heard that voice, that wonderful beautiful voice of an angel in forever. "You, I mean, ugh!" she looked mad now. I wanted to comfort her tell her it was ok, but I knew I couldn't, I shouldn't. "Edward, you did that on your own free will, you didn't loose me, you never could. Instead you chose to leave me. You chose that. Not me! WHY? What did I ever do you to?" She came forward and tried to shove me, tried to push me, I think to hurt me, she must have forgotten I was hard, because she came with such a force I didn't even feel it, but I knew her arms did. "All I did was support you and love you, I wanted to be with you Edward, but obviously you didn't want to be with me, so please, don't tell me you thought you lost me when Alice had the vision, because you had lost me on your own will a year ago!" she was sobbing now, tears rolling down her face. I wanted to wipe her tears away, but I knew I was the reason they fell.
"Oh Bella, sweet innocent Bella, that is not close to the truth, I did loose you, and yes I did leave on my own free will, I chose to leave to protect you, nothing more." Oh god I loved the look on her face. It spoke of her confusion, her desire to understand, and something bordering on what might, if I was lucky, be love. "I love you Bella so much I left knowing I would leave my life, my heart with you." she looked confused, why should she be confused.
"You what?"
"don't you remember anything I told you before?"
"I remember everything!" her voice rose on the last part. "But you, What? You told me! You told me you didn't love me anymore,." She was shaking her head over and over again, and then all of a sudden she was hitting me over and over again in the chest. She was in so much pain, I had never seen her in this so much pain, well yes I have thanks to Jacob. I grabbed her in a hug trying to hold back the rage she felt, the pain. Everything I wish I could just take it all away. "Everything you ever said to me was a lie! You never loved me! If you did you wouldn't of left me! You didn't want me!" She screamed at me tears streaming down her face. And I could do nothing to stop them nothing to suppress the anger within her the angst she was felling was my doing. I didn't think she would believe me but she did. She did think that. I was utterly shocked that she couldn't see right through me and know what was in my heart. How could she accept that I was callous enough to declare my love and then so quickly lose it? I found that concept unbelievable. She readily accepted the idea that I never truly loved her; she honestly thought I had lied when I told her I loved her. I didn't know which hurt more, the fact that I almost lost her, or at least thought I had. or that she so easily believed I was so callous enough to profess a love that I never felt. I mean, even though I wanted her to think I didn't want her anymore – only to discover I couldn't survive without – I didn't want her to think I never loved her, and I guess, I also didn't want it to be so easy for her to except.
The love I had professed to her before was spoken sincerely and honestly.
I was looking as deeply as possible into her eyes trying to read her thoughts to discover what was confusing her, and then I remembered what she said earlier that she remembered everything. It was what I said to her in the woods outside her house when I had tried to make my leaving easier on her; I had lied to her, and she had believed me. Amazing, I thought. I tell her I love her and she doesn't believe me. I tell her I don't love her and she instantly believes the lie. How is that possible?
"I'm a good liar, Bella, I have to be." That must be it, otherwise she would have seen right through the lie.
I felt her entire body tense up and then a tremor rippled through her. It felt as though she were ready to – I wasn't sure what she was ready to do, but it didn't feel like a good thing, but before she could continue, I gently shook her shoulders trying to get her to listen, "Let me finish! I'm a good liar, but still, for you to believe me so quickly," I felt my own pain rip through me but I continued, "That was . . . excruciating."
She was still rigid, but she seemed to be listening, so I began to explain, "When we were in the forest, when I was telling you goodbye," I felt her tense even more and it worried me. I found myself whispering as I continued, "You weren't going to let go, I could see that." The memory was so vivid, and the details so clear. I could see her lovely face staring up at me almost pleading with me to stay, or at least to take her with me. That was the face I saw when I thought she was dead. That look of hurt and pain kept reminding me of what a monster I was.
"I didn't want to do it, it felt like it would kill me to do it," and it had almost killed her, If Alice's account was true, and what I saw was true, she didn't just jump for fun, there was another purpose a hidden meaning. "But I knew that if I couldn't convince you that I didn't love you anymore, it would just take you that much longer to get on with your life. I hoped that, if you thought I'd moved on, so would you." And maybe she had, maybe she would now tell me there was no room left in her life for me. She as with Jacob. Uh werewolves what I had I left her with.
Very softly, I heard her whisper, "A clean break."
"Exactly. But I never imagined it would be so easy to do! I thought it would be next to impossible you would be so sure of the truth that I would have to lie through my teeth for hours to even plant the seed of doubt in your head. I lied, and I'm so sorry, sorry because I hurt you, sorry because it was a worthless effort. Sorry that I couldn't protect you from what I am. I lied to save you, and it didn't work. I'm sorry." But I wasn't sorry that I hadn't lost her permanently; for that I was heartily thankful to whatever providence made it possible that both Alice and myself were wrong, and that Bella was before me alive.
"But how could you believe me?" It was the one question I asked myself during those first months of separation. "After all the thousand times I've told you I love you, how could you let one word break your faith in me?" I wondered, Had she ever truly believed I loved her? Will she be able to accept the truth that I still love her?
Bella only stared at me offering no response, which led me to conjecture that she still might think I was lying to her. Her eyes had almost the same look I had seen that night in the forest when she believed the villainous lie that poured out of my wicked mouth.
"I could see it in your eyes, that you honestly believed that I didn't want you anymore. The most absurd, ridiculous concept," I thought my world could never be the same without her in it, as though I could continue without her near me, or I near her; I had to admit what everyone else in the family had all known, Bella and I were a perfect match. In all truthfulness I added with as much feeling as possible, "As if there were any way that I could exist without needing you!"
Her eyes were still glazed over and she was not responding to anything I had said. If only she would cry, or scream at me; something to let me know she had heard what I was telling her. As the seconds dragged on, I became worried. Alice had told me on one of my visits, well not really told me but I saw the vision she had about Bella going into to a catatonic state after I left, and I couldn't afford to have that happen now because there were too many questions left to be answered. I shook her shoulder again in an attempt to draw some response from her. I would even be happy if she were to yell at me and tell me to leave; at least I would know she was still conscious of what was happening around her.
If only I knew what she was thinking. As it was, my nerves were sitting on razor sharp edges, and she still hadn't told me why she believed my lies. "Bella," it came out as one long sigh. "Really, what were you thinking?"
It was becoming harder with every passing minute. My words were so softly spoken I was afraid she might not hear them, but try as I might, I could speak no louder because the pain was threatening to overwhelm me. I felt as if I could barely draw in enough air to form coherent sounds. It was as if I were losing her all over again and once more my life would be meaningless and void of every good thing this amazing woman once offered to me. "Why can you believe the lie, but not the truth?"
Her response was astonishing. "It never made sense for you to love me, I always knew that." Her voice broke up as she spoke.
She had told me once before that she saw herself as plain and unattractive, and I remembered telling her she didn't see her true self, and she definitely didn't see her own worth as a person deserving of love. Instead, she saw herself as unworthy to be loved by me when just the opposite was true. What never really made any sense to me was why an angel like her would ever love a monster like me. I had to prove to her how much I truly loved her, and that she definitely was awake. The only solution I found was something I had wanted to do even before I left her house. In fact it was the first thing I wanted to do as soon as I saw her.
"I'll prove to you that I love you Bella, I always have and I always ALWAYS will," and I wanted to add 'and that I love you with every fiber of my being.' Both were a promise I wanted to put in the kiss I would give her. But I didn't want to say to much.
I took her radiantly lovely face between my cold hands and held her tight enough so she couldn't turn away from my kiss. Her warm sweet lips on mine, ah it was heaven all over again. Oh how I missed this, I felt her cheeks flush I looked down sure enough they were red. God I loved that. Her hair was still whipping in the wind, and it made the smell even that much more unbearable. But it was a good unbearable. I had no thirst, at least not thirst for her blood. It fell like minutes hours were passing. Even though when it was over it didn't seem, it didn't feel long enough.
"Edward, I, I can't, I mean I, oh.." she collapsed onto the ground in heavy sobs. All I could was grab her, and hold her. I rubbed her back soothingly trying to console her. I didn't know what else to do. What was she going to say? She cant what? Oh god did she have someone? Had she moved on? Was I to late? Please god don't let me be to late! If you cant grant be access to your kingdom please don't take Bella away from me now.
"Edward, please I cant do this, not now. I'm sorry." she cried, if I could cry, god how I wished the tears that I wanted to fall so bad, maybe it would help her see that I meant every word I was saying now.
"Do what? Bella, answer me one thing. Please" I was begging now, pleading with her, pleading for me not to be to late.
"Anything." she said softly it was almost a whisper. And I was sure if I didn't have super sensitive hearing, I would have completely missed it.
"Am I to late? Do you not love me anymore?"
"How? What? Are you stupid! Of course your not Edward, I love you, so much. Who would I move on with? How could I move on?" I could see the pain in her eyes but just the thought that I doubted her.
"I just had to be sure, I knew, but I mean I saw you and Jacob and I'm sorry."
"Were friends Edward, he was just there for me, when I needed someone."
"I'm so terribly sorry, you will never ever in a million years understand how truly sorry I am. I understand if you never want to speak with me again, after all I have done to you it is the least I deserve. If you will allow me however, I would like a chance to explain my actions to you. You at least deserve to know the truth. I don't expect you to forgive me, what I did was unforgivable.
Please know that everything I told you in the forest that day was a falsity, as I said before, I didn't mean any of it. I thought that by leaving I would ensure your safety. Every moment you spent with me I was putting you in more and more danger, simply by being there." She rolled her eyes at my last words, she obviously didn't understand how dangerous I could be, how being with me was just dangerous. Did she not remember her birthday? "I expected that you would move on and have a happy normal human life. The possibility that your human life might not be happy, never crossed my mind. I am so truly sorry Bella I thought it would be easy for you." She wanted to say something but I put my finger over her lips and gently silenced her. "Please let me finish. Bella you know, I am essentially a selfish creature. If Alice would not have had that vision I would have come back anyway. You would have seen opened your door or your window in a few days, and see me on my knees begging for your forgiveness. I was not at all happy. I was empty everyone around me thought I was lifeless. I couldn't put my family through that, I left them also Bella, I couldn't take there thoughts of pity and telling me it would be ok. Because I knew it would never be ok again, not with out you. But I every time I told myself you needed me, I needed you. I also told myself I made you a promise, not to come back. My control of staying away was slowly diminishing. I would have returned in a few days. As I'm sure Alice had already had a vision of me returning to you. Before she had the one of you jumping." I sighed, I still didn't know what that other meaning to her jumping was, but I figured this wasn't the time to ask. She was still looking at me, looking for something more? I didn't know. But I went on.
"I've never stopped loving you, and I think of you constantly. I don't deserve your forgiveness, but know that you are still the most important thing in my world. I apologize for my idiocy. But Bella, please, forgive me, I never meant to hurt you, that was the last thing I ever wanted to do. " hmm all that was a very accurate description of my feelings, if only because no words existing can describe the way I feel. There is no way I can depict exactly how deeply I regret my actions or even how much I love her. The anger and remorse I feel are no easy matter to convey.. I wasn't at all satisfied with what I had just said, but what else more could I say to make her understand. I knew my love for Bella would never end or decrease, but had her feelings faded at all? Would she be able to forgive me, take me back?
She looked satisfied, I think. She looked less sad. I just hoped it was enough. She didn't know what to say, I could tell by the look in her beautiful eyes she was at a loss for words.
"Bella please let me make it up to you, tell me what I can do, to make you forgive me, to let you be able to forgive what I have done to you, what I have put you through. I know I may never be able to, but please let me try. I miss you Bella Marie Swan, so much. I cant live without you." I was pleading, begging for her to take me back, if she would have me, I would gladly provide for her every whim just for the privilege of being in her life again.
"Edward, I forgive you. But the fact that you thought you leaving me would be so easy for me to forget, so easy for me to get over. Makes me think you didn't realize how much I truly needed you, how much I still do need you. I love you so much Edward but I cant do this again. I cant go through this again." She was crying again, I could see the pain in her eyes. I wanted nothing more than to take that pain away from her. But I knew I couldn't.
"You cant be around vampires anymore. In danger anymore." I sighed. She laughed, it caught me off guard, I looked at her puzzled.
"Why does everyone think I am always in danger? You left and that didn't help! I can handle danger as long as you are around I know I am safe, you didn't have to leave. I was safe with you!" She was breathing deep, trying to catch her breath, and keep calm. "And I can be around vampires Edward. But the fact you think I cant is exactly why I cant do this again, not right now. I can be around vampires. I'm not afraid, I'm used to it. There all my family. But what I cant do again, is loose them I cant have them leave. The pain is unbearable I cant go through that again. I don't think my heart can take it. I would die." I was shocked that's all it was, she's afraid I'm going to leave her again. Were going to leave again. Thank god.
"Bella, I am not going anywhere, as long as you'll have me, I will be here. I'm not going anywhere, unless you send me away. Where you go I go. And vise versa. I wont make the same mistake twice. I will never leave you! Not again. Not ever." I vowed to her, and I knew I couldn't leave her again. I didn't have enough strength to go through that all over again either. She was shaking her head, I didn't understand.
"No, you say that now Edward." she was crying, it took all I had to understand what she was saying through the sobs. "But what if a few, weeks from now." she took a deep breath, this cant be good. " What if another vampire comes after me, besides Victoria, there curious abut why a human is around you and they don't like me. Or what if Jasper takes another snap at me!" Ah she did remember, I flinched at those words, that was one of the main reasons we had left. Why I had packed my stuff and left her. Even my family threatened her. "What then? I cant go through that pain again, I cant do it!" She was shaking she was sobbing so hard. I did the only thing that I could think to do. I pulled her onto my lap and held her tight, trying to take away the pain will the pain away.
"That's not going to happen Bella, I wont let anything come between us again, not even my own stupidity. Please believe me, No matter what happens what comes our way, we can get through it together."
"Edward, its not that I don't believe you" she cried. "I just don't trust that, you still with it!" she rubbed her face into my chest. God why did I leave her, why did I do this to her. To me?
"Bella, I love you so much, I am not going anywhere ever again, unless you go with me. You are my world, my life, my reason to exist. And I will spend the rest of my days proving to you just that. And that I will not leave you again. I will take you with me. I promise." she nodded her head, I think. "I'll give you however much time you need me to prove to you."
She looked up at my face. "Edward, you may have forever, but I don't." She said glumly. I could see, and tell by the sound of her voice she wanted forever, she wanted eternity, whether eternity for me to prove it, or eternity just to be with me I didn't know, I'm going with the latter though.
"I know you don't have forever Bella, but if I'm with you it will feel like forever."
"Well what if I.." she froze. "Never mind." God why cant I read her mind? If there was any god at all, he would give me what time she had left, cause she was right, I have eternity I have forever. Bella is mortal, human, she has as many years as her life grants her.
"Please, Bella, Tell me."
"No, I don't want you to get mad at me."
"I could never be mad at you."
"well you'll be upset, or you'll get sad, I know you Edward."
"Isabella, tell me, I don't want you to ever be afraid to tell me anything, to tell me how you feel or what your thinking. Remember I cant tell." I tapped my temple and grinned the crooked smile I knew she loved. "So I want you to know you can tell me anything, no matter what.""Ok." She frowned, and looked away from. Again not a good sign. "What if I want forever? What if I want eternity. Eternity with you, as, a." She took a deep breath and sighed.