Chapter 13: Realization and Tears
"It's been three weeks! Three weeks Alice. And they haven't seen her, sensed her or smelled her! Can we please stop with the babysitting? I don't need a babysitter. I will be fine."
"Bella, I am only doing this because I love you." Now the rest of the family is out hunting. Your staying the night with me at my house. It will be so much fun, I have new makeup and some new clothes for you to." She was chipper. Great torture, just the kind of fun I wanted. "I still cant believe Charlie agreed to let me stay."
"Oh yes. He called Esme, she told him she was staying there all tonight but was going to meet up with Carlisle tomorrow. But its just going to be me and you."
"Great." I rolled my eyes as we walked into the house.
"You can go put your stuff in Edwards room. Meet me down here when your done."
"Ok." I stalked upstairs toward Edwards room. The sofa in his room was long enough. It wouldn't be a comfy bed but it would have to do. The floor probably wouldn't be half bad either. Edwards room was at the farthest end of the third floor hallway, hard to mistake even when the huge house had been less familiar. But when I switched the light on, I paused in confusion.
There was a stunning colossal sized bed that now dominated the center of the room. The coverlet was dull gold, just lighter than the walls, the frame was black, made of intricately patterned wrought iron. Sculpted metal roses wound in vines up the tall posts and formed a bowery lattice over head.
"What the hell?" I said allowed. Even though I knew I was alone.
A bed, there was a bed in a vampires room. Even though said vampire never slept. couldn't sleep, and yet here in front of me is this beautiful bed. I hurried and put my stuff down and ran down the stairs.
"What is with the bed?"
"Oh Bella, be reasonable. You didn't really think he was going to make you sleep on the sofa did you?"
"Well, I suppose not."
"Are you hungry? There's some food in the kitchen."
"Ok." I ate slowly. The slower i ate, the longer it kept me away from Alice and her makeover. I couldn't stall forever though. Eventually we were in the bathroom, and she was putting god knows what on my face.
"Oh Bella, you look so pretty."
"I don't feel pretty."
"But you are. Look." I looked in the mirror, I actually didn't look that bad. I would never admit it to Alice. But It wasn't as bad as I had thought it was going to be.
"Thanks Alice." she smiled at me as she put away all the makeup.
We were downstairs watching a movie. I don't really remember which one. I wasn't paying attention.
"Hey Alice. Can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"Do you still see me, I mean." I frowned. I didn't know how to say it.
"Do I see you becoming one of us?" she asked for me. I loved how Alice knew what I was thinking before I even could say it.
"Well yeah." I sighed
"Bella, the short answer yes. The long answer. Edward doesn't want you to have to go through that. He doesn't want to take your life away from you. I know he is your life. But he doesn't want to take anything away from you. You being human and having a human life, and human experiences, he wants that for you. He wants you to be able to have everything you want. Even if you don't think you know you want It right now. You might some day. And he doesn't want you to ever regret anything."
"But I wouldn't regret it, I want this, I want to be with him forever. I want to be a part of this family."
"You are a part of this family. Vampire or not, you're a part of us now."
"How did you know Jasper was, the one for you. Did you ever think twice about it?"
"No I knew he was the one I was supposed to be with. First time I saw him, I had the vision I knew. And when I first met him, it just made me believe it even more. I still remember exactly what he looked like, what he smelled like, what he was wearing."
"Whoa. that's, you guys love each other. You guys are going to be together forever. I want that with Edward. Why cant he see that?"
"Bella, it was different, me and Jasper, we were both already vampires. We didn't have to choose to turn into one to be together. And neither do you. Edward doesn't want you to choose. He's not forcing you to."
"I wish he was." I stated. I wanted to be with him forever. Why couldn't he just realize I wanted this, no strings attached. I wasn't going to change my mind.
"I think in a way he does, he wants you to be changed. but he also doesn't want you to have to be changed just to be with him. He wants so much more for you. He thinks were cursed, soulless."
"I know, but any vampire who chooses the road you guys take, isn't evil. There not doomed to hell. They cant be. I believe that."
"Yes, but Edward has a hard time believing."
"Alice. You see me becoming one of you, right?" she nodded.
"Change me!"
"What? Bella its not that easy."
"Why not?"
"Because I could kill you. I wouldn't be able to stop. Changing some one is really hard. Most vampires cant do it without killing the person there trying to change. I only know Carlisle can do it. I don think I can. I'm sorry."
"Don't be, wishful thinking again."
"Don't force it. He'll come around."
"I hope your right. So you knew Jasper was the one, just from a vision? And you remember everything about him." it wasn't a question. She laughed.
"Yes, don't you know that about Edward?"
"Yes, of course. I just wish, I want to be changed. its not being forced on me, I'm choosing this because I want to. Not because I have to."
"I know."
"I'm going to go up to bed. I'm tired." I got up and walked up the stairs. I plopped onto the bed. I wasn't tired. Even if I was I doubt id be able to sleep. Thoughts were swimming in my head.
It was a few hours later, and I was still awake. I heard my door open. Alice must have come to check on me. But then I felt arms around me. I jumped.
"Sorry did I startle you? I thought you were sleeping." Edwards soft velvet voice echoed in my ears. I sat up and looked at him.
"What are you doing back? I thought you guys were supposed to go hunting?"
"We did. Well they did, I did to, I just didn't go as far. I decided I didn't want to waste this time. You here at my house." his lips gently placed on mine.
"Edward." I pulled away.
"What's wrong?"
"I nothing, I was just talking with Alice."
"I know she was thinking about that when I came in." he frowned.
"Edward."
"Bella, no."
"But."
"No I will not damn you to an eternity in hell. You mean to much to me to put you through that." he said calmly. I was mad.
"I'll be immortal, I wont die! I wont go to hell. Ill be able to live my entire existence with you!"
"Immortal or not, you can still be killed!"
"So could you!" I was yelling now. I jumped off the bed and was passing back and forth. Edward was next to me trying to calm me down.
"Bella please. I will not force this on you."
"Your not forcing this on me!" I shouted. "I want this. I want this more than anything except you." Tears were flowing down my cheeks.
"Bella, you already have me. Don't make this even more difficult. I will not let that happen to you. I will not change you."
"Your not the only vampire I know Edward!" I looked to the door.
"Alice would never!" His voice was a little higher, I had struck a nerve.
EDWARDS POV
Alice wouldn't dare. She knew what I would do to her if she even thought it.
"Edward! Again she's not the only one!" she was shouting at me, crying. I didn't know what to do.
"Bella, please calm down. I'm sorry. But this isn't all fun and games. Being a vampire, its not something I would have chosen for myself."
"Well I'm choosing it. No ones forcing me." She was pleading with me. "Please." her voice was now barely a whisper.
"Bella, I, I cant."
"You can. You just wont!" she was sobbing. I placed my arms on her shoulders and pulled her to me.
"Your right I wont. Bella, if I could return to your world. Be human again. I would do it for you in a heart beat. But I will not let you choose to be a monster. I just wont."
"Your not a monster."
"I used to be, when you're a newborn Bella. that's all you do is thirst for blood. It takes a few years to get control over that. And even then, sometimes there are mistakes. We slip up."
"You'll keep me safe, you'll keep me from slipping up. Edward please. I want this. Almost as much as I want you. I want to be with you forever."
"You have me."
"Not for forever. I'm going to die." she pulled away from me.
"Bella."
"Edward I'm sorry. You've been saying ever since I met you, that things cant work between us. That we live in different worlds. And I didn't wanna hear you, but maybe your right. You cant come back to my world. And you obviously don't want me in yours." she was crying, sobbing.
"I want you in my world. You are my world." what was she saying?
"You don't want to change me. I realize that now."
"Bella, I…"
"But what happens when I get old? Maybe then you'd want it. Maybe then you'd want to change me. You'd want me in your world. But I cant wait that long to find out. I cant keep doing this. I cant keep hoping for something your against. And I cant get any deeper and more in love with you than I already am. Its not fair, to you, or to me. To fall even more. When eventually were going to have to give it up. I cant go through that pain again. And it will be even more pain because it will be down the road. It will be to much pain to deal with."
"Bella, what are you saying?" My voice was shaky.
"I don't think I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry." she turned and walked out my door. I heard her crying sobbing as she closed the door.
She walked away, she walked away from me. I don't want to change her, I cant put this life on her for forever. But I cant loose her for forever either.
I've spent the past 80 odd years trying to close the door on forever, trying to close the door on being a monster. But hurting Bella like I was, that was exactly that, I was a monster. Trying to hide from it, from forever. I can't anymore. I cant close the door on forever. I can't close the door on Bella. I reached my door and wrenched it open and ran out to find Bella's back to me. She was leaning against the wall. Crying into hysterically into her arms.
"You want to know what I realized? That you were right. You were right all along. This isn't about being a vampire or a human. This is about us. How we feel about one another. Right here, right now. You don't need to be a vampire for me. But if that's what you want, then I guess we can work something out. But Bella I wont you to think about it take some time and think about what your planning to do. This doesn't have to be about vampires and humans. This is just about me and you. And how we feel about each other. Nothing else matters" my voice cracked at the end. It was raspy. I wanted to cry. How could she just walk away. I couldn't allow her to walk away.
"The day we first met. What was I wearing?" she asked still facing the wall"Blue jeans, white striped shirt, water jacket." I didn't understand the reason for her question, but I answered anyway."What about my shoes?""Boots." She was wearing water proof boots, its raining in forks everybody knows that. Why all the silly questions."How can you remember that?" she turned and faced me, I saw her face was wet with tears. And they were still flowing freely. "Because I love you. I think deep down between the spouts of me wanting to kill you, lure you away from the school and drain you dry. I loved you. First time I saw you, you were different from everybody else. I love you Bella Marie Swan. Only you forever and eternity." She flung herself at me, wrapped her arms around my neck. And kissed me patiently. She pulled away slowly. Still staring at me. I didn't know what to say. I couldn't let her leave.
"Edward." she said softly. Here it comes.
"Bella, no, please, don't. don't do this, don't leave."
"Edward, stop." she looked closely at me. She let out a gasp. It scared me I stood straight up. What was wrong."
"What?"
"Oh my god. Edward. ALICE!" She screamed it startled me and I fell back a little bit.
"What the hell is going on?" I was getting annoyed now.
"Edward. Your, you have tears in your eyes."
"What?" I said startled. That couldn't be. It was impossible. Alice came racing up the stairs.
"What's wrong, what happen, I heard yelling you guys fighting but I figured id give you privacy. What happen?" and then she looked directly at me, and her mouth dropped. What the hell was going on.
"Edward, how, why, your crying. Tears, real tears."
"What?" I ran into my room and looked into the mirror. My eyes were still topaz, but they were also red. Like Bella's were. And there were tears coming down my cheek. I stood there in amazement. This was impossible. I reached up and touched my face. I felt the wetness. I turned around and heard Alice on the phone. Telling Carlisle. I looked over at Bella, she was staring at me. She had a look of shock and amazement on her face.
"Bella, please." I begged. "Don't walk away. Don't walk away from this, from us." I suddenly felt more moisture on my face. So this was what it felt like to cry. I don't know if I liked it. It was making my vision blurry. I blinked to try to clear it.
"Edward, I cant walk away from you, I didn't even make it out of your hallway. But I cant just sit here and grow old, and die. Knowing all the while you're here seventeen forever. Please understand that." she was crying to. We probably looked like a pair of blubbering idiots.
"Bella, I understand that I do, but you have to understand that none of us had a choice. You do. And I don't want you to regret your choice, I don't want ten years from now you to regret your decision, regret your choice to be with me forever, for eternity."
"Edward, that will never happen. I know I am choosing the right thing. I know this is what is meant to be. I know I meant to be with you forever. And since you cant come back to my world there's only one other option, and I'm ok with that. I want that. I want this." she came closer to me and put her hands around my face. She brushed my wet cheeks with her thumbs. She was the one wiping away my tears.
"Bella I love you, so much. If your sure of this, your sure you want this. Then, I don't want to fight with you anymore. We'll figure something out. We can talk to Carlisle when he gets home."
"He's on his way home now. They all are." Alice said, as she came over to us. Still eyeing my face. "This is weird. Unnatural, this shouldn't be possible." she reached her finger and wiped away one of the tears. "How's it feel?" she asked, a puzzled look on her face.
"Weird, I didn't remember how it felt. It even feels weird. Wetness on my face, and it makes it hard to see." I said as I wiped my face on my sleeve.
"You get used to it." Bella frowned. And sat down on the bed.
'Do you two want time to talk? I'll leave.' Alice had asked me in her thoughts. She looked at me, and I nodded. Me and Bella needed to talk. I'm giving up. One way or another Bella will get what she wants. But I want her to be sure. Alice walked out of the door closing it behind her.
"Bella." I said softly as I walked over to the bed and sat next to her. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt you. I never want you to be in pain. But I realize now, me telling you no. is putting you in pain. Your right. You were right all along. You will get old. You will die eventually, and I never will. But I want you to realize also. This isn't about me being vampire or you being a human. This is about us. How we feel about one another. Right here, right now. How much we care about each other. That's all that matters."
"I know, but Edward this is what I want. I love you, and I know this has nothing to do with vampires and humans and everything to do with us. But Edward. Imagine how we could be if I we were both vampires? I would never die, I would never get old. You wouldn't always have to worry about hurting me. Victoria wouldn't want me anymore. And there would be no danger for me." she was crying again. I grabbed her and pulled her onto my lap.
"Bella, I'll agree to it, I'll change you. But you have to give me time. I don't know if I can do it."
"I trust you. I know you can."
"Bella I love you so much. Do me something in return." just one thing I just needed her to agree to one thing..
A/N: AH whats gonna happen? wat ya think? lemme kno...
PLEASE R&R!!