EXISTING VERSUS LIVING 1/4
The first of a four instalment series, "The 'Me' Series". For my friend Mak-Happy Birthday!!
Karen never made it back to L.A. During her last conversation with Bill, after telling him about both their pardons, they had mutually decided to pack up their respective living quarters, his in L.A and hers in D.C, and meet up in Vermont. It was she who suggested it; she figured it would be easier that way. Easier to end her thirty year career and walk away from the only life she could ever trust, without him there. It was an emotional transition she wanted to do on her own. She didn't think-didn't care- if it bothered him or not. She had just assumed he'd want it that way too.
It ended up taking three weeks before she could leave Washington; between the paperwork, cleaning up both her apartment and office and of course the final press conferences. Her communication with Bill had been sparse and was limited to emails. She couldn't explain it, every time she wanted to tell him something, wanted to call him and hear his voice she opted for a short text message instead. She was avoiding him that much she knew-she just wasn't sure why.
When they arrived in Vermont they greeted each other with a brief hug, not the reunion either had hoped for. But there was a detachment between them, a horrible distance not caused by thousands of miles of land but by themselves. The days following were filled with busy work while they began to settle in. Whilst unpacking, they had been able to make idle chatter; "Where should this go?" "Where did you put that box?" But after the last of the boxes had been unpacked and the finishing touches made, silence overtook the house. The intimate aspect of their relationship wasn't much better; the hug being the only physical contact they shared, and while they did share the same bed the space in between them was monumental.
She was sure it couldn't get worse, that this was just a phase. Of course, they were going through this. Three months of being a part, especially after only eight months of marriage, plus the stress of their jobs, it sure to cause tension. She would be worried if there wasn't tension, but she loved Bill and he loved her. They would get through this, she told herself. They just needed time.
When he walked into the kitchen, Karen was leaning up against the counter writing a list of groceries they needed; after surviving on takeout for the duration of the move, she felt like something fresh and homemade. He didn't even pretend to dance around the issue, instead choosing to jump right to the matter.
"Karen," he started. She looked up at him expectantly. "I think we should go to marriage counselling."
His words hit her like a ton of bricks and she instantly felt queasy. She didn't like the word counselling. Counselling usually insinuated that there was a problem and they didn't have a problem.
"What?" She blurted out. It wasn't harsh, more confused. Despite everything, she hadn't seen this coming. She thought they were making progress.
He sighed and moved around the counter to face her straight on. "Marriage counselling, I think we should go. Look, Karen, I can't go about pretending like everything that has happened in the past four and a half months didn't happen."
"And I am?"
"Karen, it's as if you don't even think about life pre-Vermont, never mind talk about it! And let's face it-this isn't a marriage. This isn't even living, this is...existing!"
He let out a shaky breath; his emotions were getting the better of him. Shaking his head, he added softly but determined, "And I need more than just an existence."
Her steely gaze held onto his, her heart was in her throat but she would never let him know that. Her defences were up and suddenly this was much more than just a discussion. Setting her jaw and folding her arms across her chest, she whispered "Well then if that's how you feel, then yes. You should most definitely seek therapy."
He closed his eyes in frustration. "WeKaren, we need counselling. Together." But his feelings went unacknowledged as she walked away. This wasn't the end, he thought, merely the calm before the storm.
But Karen was determined to stand her ground. Both her and Bill were mature, well educated, well spoken adults; they could solve whatever marital issues he claimed they had on their own. She didn't need some shrink psychoanalyzing her and changing her life. And even though he had resorted to not talking to her, she downright refused to go to therapy.
After three days she snapped.
"If you giving me the silent treatment is supposed to break me, you can forget it. I am not going to therapy."
"Marriage counselling," he retorted, as if there was a huge difference.
"Whatever" she spat, waving her hand as she stomped out the front door, slamming it shut behind her. It was only when she was in her car that she was once again reminded that she had nowhere to go.
The days that ensued were worse than anything she had ever experienced, including her previous marriage. She chalked that up to the fact that she loved Bill, and not her first husband. His words hurt, and confused, her. She didn't see why they had to go; yes, she had betrayed him. But she rectified the situation, apologized profusely, and was about to spend the rest of her life making up for it. Why wasn't that enough for him?