II

New-Buffy

Buffy yawned as the alarm clock set itself off, filling her room and probably half the house with its shrill, vaguely disapproving tone. She swatted it to turn it off and lay back in her pillows. First day of life – of real life. Today she made Buffy Summers's life hers. From now, she would live this life to the utmost – no more mistakes, no more wasted chances. She wouldn't make Dawn feel unwelcome and alone. She wouldn't leave essentials like grocery shopping to everybody else while she sat around moping about Heaven. She would make time for her family and friends, and for herself. And she wouldn't sleep with her mortal enemy.

Buffy smiled at that last one. No doubt that was exactly what her former self was doing, even after she'd had her life stripped away for it. Yes, Spike was cute. But he was also a vampire, and this Buffy was going to make sure that she did her job as the Slayer. That involved slaying vamps, not screwing them. So sometime soon, she would head around to Spike's crypt and finish a job that had been coming for a long time.

"Buffy?" It was Willow, knocking on her door. "You awake?"

"Yeah." Buffy sprang out of bed, feeling bright and perky. First day of life with no mistakes! First day of living this life properly. She pulled the door open and grinned cheerily at Willow.

"Buffy…"

"Yeah?"

"Are you on something?" Willow tried to look around her into her bedroom, as though there might be happy-drugs in there.

"No. I've just decided about something. I'm not going to be depressed anymore. I'm not going to take things out on you guys anymore. I know when you brought me back you were doing what you thought was right, and I shouldn't punish you for that. And I've been punishing Dawn for it, too. And she didn't have anything to do with it at all! No, I'm going to stop this, I'm going to be me again." Buffy smiled after her rousing and slightly cheesy speech, laughing inside at Willow's stunned-bunny expression. Buffy bounded down the stairs, pale brown hair flying out behind her, and pulled the front door open.

Warm sunshine hit her like a wave. It washed over her, filling her with light. She sighed and breathed in deeply, catching the freshness of the new morning in her lungs. Old-Buffy had never done this. She'd never been happy to simply be alive. Breathing had never made her happy. New-Buffy was different. Although still Buffy – in a way, she had always been Buffy – she was a better Buffy. There was the difference. They were both Buffy, but new-Buffy was better, and as such, she won Buffy's life. Buffy's friends, Buffy's family; everything old-Buffy had had was now hers.

She stepped back inside and picked up some of the evidence to that effect. It was a framed photo of her and Dawn, one their mom had taken ages ago on a holiday trip to the beach. In the picture, Buffy's hair was brown, her eyes a sharp blue. Everything of the old-Buffy, the depressed, blonde Buffy, had been replaced; even photos taken years ago showed new-Buffy, as though it had always been her.

And, she promised herself, it always would be.

Old-Buffy

She awoke slowly, the events of the past day blocked outside her awareness by the fuzziness of sleep and the absolute perfect comfort she found herself in. She wriggled backwards, deeper into Spike's arms –

Spike?

Everything came crashing back in an overwhelming torrent and she gasped, jerking upright as though coming out of a nightmare.

"Buffy-" Spike was awake in an instant, tense, voice laden with anxiety. She turned to him, smiling.

"It's just… yesterday. God, was that a mess." Recovered from the first onslaught, she sank back down into the pillows, running a hand over her face. "I'm really not me anymore…"

"I'm sorry," Spike said instantly, leaping out of bed and away from her. She sat up again, staring after him. What the hell was he doing? "You're all messed up, and here I am all in bed with you… I should never have done that. I'm sorry." He backed away into a corner of the room, looking anywhere but at her.

"Spike," Buffy said, throwing back the covers and standing up, the hem of Spike's borrowed t-shirt rippling against her thighs. "It's nothing to be sorry about. I promise. I'm not angry. Stop looking like you're afraid I'm going to kick the stuffing out of you."

"Isn't that what you normally do?" he asked, sarcasm biting into his words. "As soon as it's not about forgetting who you are? As soon as you think there might be something real here? You heard what she said! Everything else you've done, all your mistakes with your life, could be forgiven except being with me. God, you must hate me so much…" He collapsed back against the wall, agony running over his face.

"Spike – listen to me. Yesterday… it's freed me. For the first time, I don't have to be controlled by something I'm not. Free of rules and regulations; free of that life. Free of the Slayer." Buffy walked over to him, covering the distance slowly, drinking in the slow understanding spreading away the regret on his face.

"The Slayer…"

"Yeah. It was never me, Spike, pushing you away all the time, I swear it wasn't. It was the Slayer who didn't want to feel good about being touched by a vampire. And now the Slayer's gone. It's just me."

"And who is that exactly? That bitch back at your house said she was taking everything from you – friends, family; hell, Buffy, she's even taken your calling!"

"I'm whoever I want to be," she said, stepping forward to close the gap between them. "And right now, I want to be with you."

"But she said… this was what lost you your life, Buffy! I cost you Dawn, your friends, your home…" Spike dropped down to the floor and curled in on himself. Buffy slowly knelt down next to him.

"Spike, it wasn't a mistake. Believe me that it wasn't a mistake. At first, yeah; I was using you, I admit that. I just wanted to make everything go away… just to feel something, feel anything. But yesterday – when you stood up for me, looked after me – hell, I was a total wreck and you could have done anything to me, I wouldn't have cared."

"I wouldn't-" he started, defensive.

"I know, Spike. I know. You didn't hurt me when you had the chance, and we know the chip wouldn't stop you. I can't believe you're evil when you pass up an opportunity like that. So it's not a mistake. I mean, if you weren't here I don't know what I would have done. Probably crawled away and died somewhere, I swear I was that ready to. But you brought me back. You saved me. You, Spike. So it's not a mistake. It's not." Buffy paused for breath, reaching out to him and lifting his chin. "Look at me, Spike." She felt her breath catch as his cobalt eyes met hers.

"You really mean that," he whispered. "You still thought I was… that I could do something like that to you?"

"Not anymore," she said, just as softly. She shifted to sit next to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. "Not anymore. I mean, I thought that you'd want her. New-Buffy. The one who took my life from me."

"No," he hissed. "No, Buffy! Dammit, I – I love you, Buffy. I don't care if you're the Slayer, I don't care how many mistakes you make, how imperfect you are, if you're wasting your life or not. I love all of that. I love what you are. And no matter what that is, whether you've got that life or not, I'll still love you."

"Spike… I…" Buffy couldn't go on. Tears were choking up her throat and spilling down her cheek, soaking into Spike's shoulder.

"Hey, you crying? Buffy, I never meant-"

"Spike, it's okay. Really. I'm just…" Buffy shuddered and pulled herself back under control. She wiped her face dry with the sleeve of her shirt and looked up. "Thank you. So much. I don't care about losing all of that, my so-called life, so long as you're here." She chuckled. "It's ironic, really. I have no life, but only now do I feel alive. I never realized the difference before."

"And I have a life," Spike continued, "and I'm dead as a rock."

"Are rocks really dead?" Buffy asked. "I mean, they were never alive in the first place. If death is the withdrawal, the loss of life, the rock's actually pretty… not dead."

"Whatever," Spike growled. "I didn't bring you here to have you analyse everything I say."

Buffy giggled and snuggled back into his shoulder. He lifted that arm and wrapped it around her. Buffy suddenly became conscious that she was wearing one of Spike's t-shirts and that was it. And yet, she didn't feel particularly self-conscious about it. It just felt comfortable, like this could be normal.

Normal. God, she'd had so many issues with normal. Normal was what Angel had wanted for her, normal was what she'd tried to be with Riley, and look how brilliantly that had turned out… Buffy had known for a long time that she would never be normal, not with the life she led. But that life was gone now, and she could live however she wanted to. Normal would be whatever she decided it would be.

And right now, normal was Spike. She wasn't leaving him, she wasn't going anywhere he wasn't. She was going to stay right here and rebuild her life with him in it. The Slayer wasn't going to stop her, screaming filth and vileness at being with a vampire; her friends weren't going to criticize her, Dawn wouldn't freak out. She could have whatever she wanted, and she wanted Spike.

"What you thinking, pet?" Spike murmured into her hair after an indeterminable period of silence. "Missing them?"

"Not really," she said. "Actually sort of glad they're not here. Glad they don't know me so I won't take loads of crap from them for being with you. I would, anyway – I'd want to, even if they were still my friends. But it makes everything easier. Does that make sense?"

"Sure it does. You still value their opinion, but since they're not going to be giving it you're fine."

"Yeah." Buffy smiled. "That's perfect."

"So what you gonna do, then? About all this, I mean. Dawn, those friends, that bitch in your place… what's your plan?"

"Right now… stay here with you. And that's about it. Stay here and enjoy myself."

Spike either growled or purred, she couldn't quite tell which, and hugged her closer. "And what exactly would 'enjoying yourself' entail?"

Buffy grinned and shifted across so she was sitting on his lap. "Use your imagination."

New-Buffy

"Hey, Dawn, you busy?"

"No… that depends. If the laundry needs doing again, then yes! Very busy!"

Buffy laughed at her sister's attempt to get out of the unpleasant chore; it was pure Dawn. That was something the original inhabitant of this life had missed; the uniqueness, the beautiful traits that made up her little sister. She'd seen them as annoying, teenage habits, the sooner eradicated the better; Buffy knew better. They were what made Dawn special, what made her Dawn. Buffy loved it.

"No, I just thought you might like to go see a movie. There's a really cool-looking one in the paper…" Buffy came up the stairs, bringing the ad-bearing newspaper with her. She knocked on Dawn's door and waited for permission to enter. Again, she was better – the old one would have simply barged in. It was the little things that counted, especially to the people around her.

She'd noticed Willow's magic addiction, and with Tara's help, had guided her through a slow stepping-down of her usage. Willow needed the assistance, and as her best friend Buffy was there to provide it. She'd seen how uneasy Xander got whenever his upcoming marriage was mentioned, and had spoken to Anya about it. The two were now actually talking to each other about their problems – and there were problems. Buffy couldn't make them disappear. But she could help, which she knew was more than old-Buffy would have done. Old-Buffy would have hidden behind her depression and run off for a quickie with Spike if anything came up. But now that this life was hers, she was going to make it the best she could. That was why she was here, after all. She was in this life to make it better.

"Movie? That sounds cool. Are you sure there's nothing needs slaying?" Dawn looked slightly dubious, as if expecting Buffy to run off at any moment, axe in hand. Of her old self, that would have been true. Technically, Dawn had only known her – new-Buffy – for a day. But when she wanted time with her little sister, or her little sister with her, she would make the time.

"Nah. Well, maybe. I'll give Xander a call and ask him to patrol with Willow."

"What about Spike?"

"Spike?" Buffy snapped more harshly than she'd intended to.

"Yeah. I mean, he's still better at the whole slaying thing than Xander and Willow – than all of us except you, really."

"Spike is a vampire, Dawn. I can't rely on him anymore. When Glory was happening, we were desperate. I would have enlisted anyone who didn't want to kill us right that minute, and that included Spike. But now that's over… I have to do something about him." Buffy shrugged. "But no slaying tonight. Movie?"

Dawn smiled and nodded. "Let me get my coat, I'll be down in a sec."

"Sure." Buffy crossed the hall and knocked on Willow's door. "Hey, Will?"

"Oh, hey Buffy, what's going on?"

"I need you and Xander to patrol tonight, Dawn and I are going out. You should be fine, there's nothing major on the radar."

"Yeah, okay. I'll give him a call now." Willow smiled and moved past her, heading down the stairs. Dawn popped out of her room and they followed Willow down to the lower storey.

"You guys have fun!" Willow called as the kitchen door swung shut behind them.

"Yeah. Fun." Dawn stopped and turned to Buffy. "Look, this is majorly weird. These past few weeks… ever since you came back… it's like you haven't known the meaning of fun. You've just sat there isolated and ignoring everybody. Why the sudden change? It's like you're a different person."

Buffy winced internally at how close Dawn had come to the truth. Maybe she was moving too fast. She still had to be Buffy, after all; people had memories of old-Buffy and she couldn't change those. She'd stepped in where old-Buffy had given up – she hadn't been like Dawn, inserting an entire life into the memories of everyone around her. She couldn't just turn around and be somebody else. Dawn remembered her doing all those things: neglecting everything, trying to forget… her depression after returning from Heaven. She had to help Dawn get over that before she could expect her to accept the new Buffy.

"Well, I'm still me, okay?" Buffy smiled and hugged her, with some difficulty given they were walking down the street. "I've just gotten over everything. Heaven, not-Heaven… anti-Heaven, really! But I'm not going to be like that anymore. I'm going to be me again. I'm going to smile at people, I'm going to start eating properly again, I'm going to try and be the way I was before I died. You see, I'm not dead now. I shouldn't act like I am."

"Okay. Stop hugging me." Dawn pushed her away, but grinned at her to let her know that her reluctance was only due to being outside.

Buffy glowed with pride. Another thing solved.

Old-Buffy

Buffy yawned as she drifted out of a dreamy sleep, feeling somebody playing with her hair. She lay still as cold fingers stirred through the tresses, lifting and then lowering them back to the pillow. She grimaced as she remembered she hadn't washed it for a few days.

"You're beautiful," she heard Spike murmur behind her. "Glorious." He lifted her hair up higher and let it drift slowly back down. "I don' care 'bout any of this, you know that? I don' care 'bout that life, 'bout you not being the Slayer. That's not what I love about you. I love you, Buffy. I love you. I love what you are, whatever that is. Whatever you want to be, I'll be here for you."

Spike… Buffy smiled to herself. She felt good. Better than she had for ages. Somehow, being with Spike was the right thing to do. Maybe because she was only concerned about what was right for Buffy, not what was right for the Slayer.

She felt him lean down to whisper in her ear. "And I know you're awake."

She rolled over to face him, meeting his massive grin. "Vampire, remember? I can hear your heartbeat." He traced over her heart, sending shivers across her chest. "I love that sound. Sounds like life. Like you."

"Me who you love," she said teasingly.

"You know I do," he reproached. "I just said it six times or something."

Buffy giggled and snuggled into his arms. "I know. I'm just… anyone else would never be like this. They wouldn't stand by me when there's nothing to stand by."

"I'm not anybody else, pet. I'm me. And you couldn't get rid of me if you wanted to." Spike hugged her closer. "Well, if you really did, you could – it's not like you're my possession or anything. I'm not-"

"Spike, shut up." Buffy forced him into silence by pressing her lips to his. To her immense disappointment, he pulled back.

"Buffy… what changed? 'cos something obviously did. Few days ago you could hardly bear to touch me, and now… well, that's different. Why?"

"Because the Slayer's gone. The Slayer didn't want to touch you. I did. Spike, please just believe me; I'm not going to turn around and run off again like I did before. I'm a different person now."

"No you're not," Spike said. "You're still you, friends or not, family or not, Slayer or not. And you can't just change like that overnight because some bitch in your bathroom tells you you have!"

"Are you telling me you don't want me here?" Buffy pulled back and propped herself on her elbows. "Because it sounds an awful lot like you're making excuses."

"I don't want you to do anything stupid because you're off your nut over this," Spike said. "That's what you did with all that Heaven crap and we know how well that was going. I want you to be sure you know what you're doing."

"Oh, I know what – who – I'm doing," Buffy grinned, inching forward. But Spike placed his hand on her chest, stopping her.

"Buffy… I'm serious."

"So am I, Spike. I love you."

"Buffy…"

"I mean it. Spike, I love you. I love you. Believe me. This is me, Spike. I'm not messed up over losing my life, I'm not here because there's nowhere else to go. I'm here because I want to be. Because I love you."

She felt his doubts melt away as he wrapped her in his arms and kissed her. Her doubts had gone long ago – the instant new-Buffy had said she was the Slayer. Without the Slayer, the fact that Spike was a vampire didn't register. It didn't matter about the soul – Buffy knew that rapists and serial killers had souls and it didn't stop them – when the Slayer wasn't screaming that soulless equalled evil. The Slayer… it all came back to the Slayer. But the Slayer was gone. Gone forever. Buffy wasn't the Slayer and Buffy loved Spike. It was as simple as that.

Buffy just had to hope it would stay simple.