Disclaimer: I don't own anything. If I did, would I be writing crappy fanfiction on my computer in AUSTRALIA?! No, didn't think so.

A/N: Guys, I am SO sorry it's taken me so long to update. I have been horrendously sick and coughing phlegm everywhere (and you guys REALLY didn't need to know that, did you? No.) I'm also sorry about how my writing style has been jumping around with each chapter - stupid funny (well, funny-ISH), to kind of dramatic (as much as my work can be called dramatic, anyway) and the writing hasn't been all that great either. I'm really hoping that this chapter will set a better standard for the rest of the story, and I might go back and change some of the chapters if you guys want me to (please tell me if you do, I'd rather that than having people SECRETLY hating my work and then having no-one read it!). Enjoy!

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Hermione stood in the middle of the room and ground her teeth in rage.
Ginny looked up at her with a slightly scared expression on her face.
Hermione punched a fist into her other hand, looking rather frightening.
"Right. That is it. He cannot keep doing that. He is terrible and cruel and absolutely disgusting and I abhor him with every fibre of my being. I'm going to get my revenge on him, come hell or high water, I'll find a fricking way."
"Good?" said Ginny nervously, looking at her cautiously.
"Yes it is fricking good, Ginny. I have had enough of letting people walk all over me. I don't care what happens any more. I'm down, so I'm going to drag him right down here with me. And I'm going to put all my effort into the attempt. He's going to be so far down we won't be able to see him any more."
Ginny squinted at her, trying not to get her any angrier.
"D'you think we should maybe …wait a bit? Maybe? 'Til you calm down?"
Hermione turned to her, eyes practically shooting sparks.
"NO. I'll do it now, and you are going to help me."
"Okay, okay, okay!" Ginny tried to placate her, reaching over and grabbing her shoulders.
"But let's be reasonable…"
"I don't want to be reasonable! I want Draco fricking Malfoy to be in pain. I want him to be squirming in pain on the ground, and for once, I want to hold the dagger."
"What does that…?"
"Muggle term. Anyway. He is going to be in pain, and I am going to be the cause of it."
She smiled in satisfaction. Ginny looked worried.
"Now." Hermione looked thoughtful for a moment, and then sat down on the side of her bed, swinging her legs as she considered her options.
"Alright. Now, as we know, Malfoy is known for being a sex object, right?"
She wrinkled her nose in disgust at the thought, but continued anyway.
"So what we have to do is diminish that sex appeal." She smiled wickedly.
Ginny stared at her in disbelief.
"And how on this Sweet Earth do you think you're going to manage that?"
"Quite easily, to be honest. But you, my dear, are going to have to wait, because I am quite certain that we have an uninvited visitor outside the door."
She stood up again, looking indomitable.
Ginny looked anxious as she followed Hermione with her eyes.
Hermione walked to the door and threw it open.
The corridor outside it was empty, but Hermione was still sure that someone (namely, Malfoy) had been standing outside only moments before.
She shook her head and closed the door again.
As she walked back to Ginny, she frowned, her forehead furrowing as she thought about her plan.
Ginny put a hand out and touched her arm gently.
"Can you tell me now?"
"Alright. C'mere."
Hermione leant in to Ginny and began whispering furiously in her ear.
Ginny's worried look slowly melted away to be replaced by an evil little smile.
"Okay. Sounds good. When do we get this stuff ready?"
"Tonight. And we should have it ready by tomorrow morning. It doesn't take that long, I don't think. So, are you in?"
"Yes, yes, yes! I wouldn't miss out on it for the world!"
Ginny was bouncing up and down she was so excited, her smile widening and her eyes sparkling.
"Good." Hermione smiled and slapped the bed decidedly.
"Right. Let's get this on, eh!?"
Hermione got up and rummaged around in her desk for a few minutes, eventually pulling out a quill and two pieces of parchment.
She scribbled something quickly onto the parchment and then folded both neatly, before sliding them into separate envelopes.
She held them out to Ginny, who took them, still smiling.
"Can you take that up to the Owlery? I'd kind of rather not…you know…go out. What with the fact that I made sure Malfoy can no longer have babies – a fact that will most likely send him insane. Personally I think I have done the world a favour, but I doubt he'll see it that way." Ginny grinned and Hermione smiled dryly.
"You know where to send them, right?"
"Yup. I'll be maybe ten, fifteen minutes - see you soon!"
Ginny ran out of the room and Hermione sat back down at her desk, doodling absent-mindedly on a scrap of parchment as she waited for her friend to come back.
It took her a moment, but she soon realised that she had been sketching all manner of torturing and killing devices on the parchment – a guillotine, an axe, gallows, thumbscrews, even a rack.
She pushed the parchment away from her and stood up, her brow furrowed.
She wandered around the room, hoping fervently that she wasn't going insane on account of Malfoy. That would just be the last straw.
She was bought out of her angry thoughts when Ginny came running back into the room.
"Got them sent?" Hermione asked, slightly worried that she may have been waylaid by a certain blonde bastard.
Ginny raised a two fingers indicating two minutes and stood there trying to catch her breath.
After a moment she stood up straight and smiled, brushing hair out of her eyes.
"All…done." She said, still breathing a little raggedly.
"Great, thanks." Said Hermione, smiling at her.
Ginny made an 'ok' hand gesture and sat down on the edge of the desk.
"Right. Now, we wait. The owl should get here with the morning post, and then we'll see just how well Malfoy can deal with embarrassment."
Ginny grinned and swung herself down off the desk.
"I should probably go, now I think about it. I need some sleep, and I'd definitely like to be up in time to see your little exhibition!"
One look back to smile goodbye and she was out of the door and heading down the stairs again.
Hermione threw herself onto her bed and lay there for a moment, not moving.
It was funny, really.
She had thought that revenge would be fun and easy, something to occupy her interest and make her feel better.
But at that moment, in fact, the whole time she had been playing this stupid game, she hadn't felt enjoyment of any kind.
It had merely been a waste of time and effort in an attempt to make Malfoy pay.
And for what? Some stupid, moronic, immature little prank that had…lost her the respect and friendship of her entire house.
She sighed and turned over.
It had to be done.
xxx

Hermione walked down the stairs, wondering, again, why she still went to breakfast early.
It was probably merely a habit left over from all the years she had done the same with Ron and Harry, a thought she pushed quickly from her mind.
As she reached the common room, she was surprised to see Draco lying on the couch, his breathing deep, even.
He was asleep, books spread over his legs and all over the floor.
He looked almost angelic with his face smooth and peaceful, not a hint of a smirk or frown to mar the perfection that was his face.
Hermione circled the couch warily, painfully aware that he might wake at any moment and see her watching him.
She knelt down and started picking up his books, the orderly side of her taking over, even in this most strange of situations.
She stacked the books on the floor in a neat pile and then cautiously started to pick up the ones that were lying on his body, being extremely careful not to touch him.
She drew in a sharp intake of breath when he moved slightly, making one of the books start to fall to the floor.
She grabbed it swiftly, a moment before it hit the ground, her breathing a little quicker now she knew how stupid she was being.
She stood up hastily, smoothing her skirt down over her legs, and glanced down at the book in her hands.
Hermione's eyes widened and she had to repress a gasp as she saw what it was.
She stuffed it quickly down her jumper and ran back upstairs, opening the door to her bedroom with a quick glance behind her, closing it softly so as not to wake the sleeping boy below her.
Moving quickly to her bed, she took out the book, and with another fleeting look at the cover and sighing at her luck, she pushed it beneath her mattress, careful not to bend the pages of the leather bound book.
With a quick glance back at her mattress, she walked out, closing the door behind her.
As she got back downstairs, she cursed under her breath.
He would know it was gone, and who had taken it, if she left the books piled so neatly.
She spread them over the ground again as they had been when she first saw them and dropped a few gently onto Draco's legs and torso.
She bit her lip as she looked him over again and was about to turn to leave when he stirred again.
Before she could move, his eyes had snapped open.
The instant before he could react, his face was still sleep smooth and slightly surprised.
Hermione had to look away from him, but she saw that eventually his face had hardened into his customary smirk and he was staring at her.
She looked back at him; he was still staring at her, his mouth twitching slightly at the corners as though he was holding back a laugh.
"Spying, Granger?" he asked in a low, rumbling voice, his eyes sparkling with delight.
Hermione grimaced and stepped away from the couch.
"No. Just wondering why you were asleep here and not in your bedroom. It seemed a little…suspicious."
Draco stared at her incredulously.
"Suspicious? What on earth are you on about, Granger? I was studying late last night and I fell asleep. What's suspicious about that?"
Hermione smiled inwardly, knowing that she had distracted him from the main issue at hand.
"What are you grinning about, mudblood?"
Right. Perhaps not so inward a smile.
Hermione stepped farther away from the couch and sunk down into one of the opposite chairs, her head in her hands.
It had been a long day yesterday, and she was tired.
Maybe she could go back upstairs and get another hour or so of sleep.
Draco's voice interrupted her thoughts and she looked up at him again.
"You know, not that I care or anything, but are you alright? You look ghastly. Well, even worse than usual, anyhow."
Hermione smiled ruefully.
Trust Malfoy to turn a question after her well-being into an insult.
"I'm fine."
Her forehead creased at the lie and she surprised herself by saying quietly; "No. Not fine."
Draco sat up slowly, books falling to the floor.
He paid them no attention however, his eyes trained on Hermione's face.
"How come?" he asked, a question that seemed to astonish him as much as she.
Hermione leaned back in her seat and groaned, her eyes closed.
She spoke to the ceiling, her voice still sleepy.
"Oh, I don't know. Maybe the fact that Harry and Ron won't speak to me, I've lost the respect of the entire school, I'm stuck in a common room with the very reason behind all of this, and you don't even seem to have a problem with anything I've done to you so far."
She stifled a yawn and sat up again.
Draco was looking at her with a peculiar expression on his face and Hermione became alert very quickly.
What had she done? Just given him information about all her feelings?
Stupid, stupid, girl.
Draco was silent for a few more moments and Hermione stood, feeling nervous.
He ignored her movement and kept his eyes locked on the floor.
She walked past him, trying not to get his attention again, but he seemed preoccupied by the pattern on the carpet.
She walked out of the door quickly, slamming it behind her and running down to the Great Hall.
Draco glanced her way for a second as the door slammed, as though he had merely heard someone call his name and looked up from instinct, knowing already that he wasn't going to answer.
He looked down at the carpet again, frowning.

xxx

Hermione gnawed on her cheek as she tried desperately to think of a reason for her little outburst.
Could she just forget about it?
She looked around the room, trying to find Malfoy, but was unrewarded apart from a small and barely conspicuous wink from Ginny.
She continued to gnaw on her cheek until she tasted blood, the metallic tasting liquid running, hot and slightly burning, onto her tongue.
Hermione cursed under her breath and grabbed a piece of toast from the pile, chewing on it quickly, without bothering about butter.
Ten or so minutes passed and finally Ginny nudged Hermione in the ribs, pointing at the door.
Hermione looked around quickly and saw, to her intense relief, Draco Malfoy entering the room.
His gaze remained on the Slytherin table, however, and as soon as he was seated he pulled a plate towards himself, hiding behind it.
Of the small glimpse Hermione caught of his face, he looked troubled, not his usual calm self.
She wondered what had caused it and then hoped fervently that he hadn't realised his book was missing.
Then again, he probably wouldn't have looked troubled, more…livid.
She would have been dead by now, really.
Minutes dragged by slowly as students straggled in to the Hall, and then, finally, the post began to arrive.
Hermione looked up expectantly, eager for Malfoy to be dealt the death blow.
Owls streamed in, dropping parcels and letters, nipping owners' fingers affectionately and flying away again.
For a while Hermione and Ginny stayed tense and expectant, watching for that one owl in particular, but the owls had begun to slow down in arrivals, and soon the air was filled with them leaving again.
Hermione shared a desperate glance with Ginny, both wondering the same thing.
If the owl had been delayed, their whole plan would be ruined.
No-one could see him receive his owl if he got it in private.
Before it all became totally hopeless, however, two late owls fluttered into the Hall together and flew to separate ends of the room.
One flew to the Ravenclaw's table, depositing a small parcel in the lap of a little boy with eyes as big as the owl's, the other to Draco Malfoy.
Malfoy looked up, first in surprise when he saw it was not his owl, and secondly in panic as he saw the colour of the envelope.
It was a dark blue and he made to throw it across the room when the owl handed it to him, but Blaise held him back.
He muttered something in a low voice in Draco's ear, the latter of whom seemed to tighten his shoulders before he looked properly at the envelope.
Dean leaned over to Ginny and asked quietly "What is that? Why's the whole Hall so quiet?"
Ginny leaned back in her seat, looking around Hermione's back and into Dean's face.
"It's a 'promotional Howler'. The only thing is, these ones you send out for, and you get testers. But they sing you a song. It's hilarious. Watch."
She turned back into her seat and Dean watched Malfoy hungrily.
The whole Hall was quiet as they watched him open it slowly.
The envelope ripped the rest of the way open by itself, a small grey tongue flapping out of its top.
A drum beat started to sound from inside the envelope and it hummed along for a few seconds, making Malfoy look irritated.
Suddenly it burst into song, its tongue moving as if it was in a real mouth.

"We hear you've had some problems
Not been quite your usual self
Don't worry if you're flaccid
It's a fact some blokes can't help!"

The whole Hall had been silent up until then, when it burst out laughing.
Malfoy glared at them all in turn, but the laughing only continued. And so did the song.

"Ohhhhhh, don't worry about the future,
Though you might get in some strife
Unless you take these tablets
What'll keep it up alright!"

Hermione leaned over to Ginny.
"It's not being very…grammatically correct." She grumbled, but Ginny stopped her with a smile.
"I don't think anyone cares about that right now. I don't think you should either."
Hermione groused for a few more seconds, but eventually turned her attention back to the song.

"Oh, Draco Malfoy, be a man,
And take this awesome stuff
Unless you want to stay up all night
With the damn thing in your hand!"

Hermione glanced quickly over at the teachers table, wondering how they were reacting.
Snape was glaring rather menacingly at the students, but couldn't control an occasional twitch of the lips, Hagrid was roaring with laughter, Dumbledore looked a little bit sad, though his eyes twinkled, McGonagall was stony faced, and beside her, Flitwick was trying to get back up on his stool from when he had fallen off after a particularly bad bout of choking.

"I know this song's not very good
But it's better than your…wick…
Ahem…so, take a swig of water
Down some tablets for your chick!"
The envelope seemed to have become nervous in front of the entire Hall and made a raspberry noise with its tongue.
Hermione leaned over to Ginny, feeling worried. "Does that happen much? That they get nervous, I mean."
Ginny giggled and nodded.
"Yup. No one's really sure why. I mean, they're not like Howlers in that a Witch or Wizard put the voice in or anything, because they have their own mind, but I always think it's funny that an envelope can get stage fright. Anyway, I don't think anyone else minds." She looked around the room, Hermione following her gaze.
Ginny was right. Everybody seemed to be in hysterics.
The envelope seemed to get some of its confidence back and roared;

"So Draco, here's some magic pills
We hope you get your sexy back
Thanks for owling Penal Brothers
These should work, or money back!"
The envelope finally finished and started ripping itself into pieces, with the help of one extremely irate Draco Malfoy.
As the envelope pieces began to flutter to the ground, a small canister rolled out of mid-air and fell into Draco's lap.
He pushed it away with a growl and stood up, stalking out of the Hall, his shoulders hunched, face burning.
The entire student body cheered as he left, yelling insults and catcalling.
The teachers seemed to realise that they were meant to be stopping this and rushed around telling students to calm themselves.
Hermione turned to Ginny, beaming.
"And that, my friend, is how it is done."

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A/N
Now, chapter things.
The book is important, but you won't know much about it for a while.
The song is written by MOI, and although it's terrible, I had some fun with it.
As well as that, I would also like to add that erection problems are not something to laugh about, and I hope no one's feelings are hurt.
The only reason I wanted to use it is because the Draco in my story cares quite deeply about how he is viewed by others, even if he tries not to show it.
And a mans pride stems quite deeply from his sexuality.
A public blow like that can take ages to heal.
That is why it's the perfect revenge.
Someone like Draco will not take this lightly.
And so, the DRAMA continues!
What is the book?
How will Draco get HIS revenge?
What's going to happen next?
BAH BAH BUUUUUUHHHHH!
yup, ruined it all again, didn't I?
Hope you loved it!
icefire-lioness
xxx