Chapter 2: Discovering your Internet fame
Samus couldn't help but be impressed with the princesses' progress. After three days of lessons, they were handling the computer like old pros. Of course, the occasional question still popped up ("Why is it called 'Facebook'when it has nothing at all to do with literature?") and a bit of innocence was lost ("This Whitehouse web site is definitely not a source for information on American presidents!"), but all-in-all, Peach and Zelda were getting the hang of it.
On one particular day, while Zelda was watching Youtube videos ("Oh! That baby bit his brother's finger! That is quite hilarious as well as adorable!"), Peach suddenly had an idea.
"Samus! Do you think you could...Google...us?"
Samus scratched her chin pensively, "Well, I never really thought of that before. I don't see why not."
Leave it to royalty to want to read about themselves, she thought as Zelda typed their names in the search bar.
"THERE WE ARE!" Peach squealed. Aghast, Samus peered in to get a closer look.
Sure enough, there were multiple sites listed featuring all three of them. Most of them had to do with the Smash Tournament, but there were a few others...
"Who would you rather have sex with: Princess Peach or Princess Zelda?!" Peach exclaimed, reading the title of a link.
"Click it!" Samus sniggered.
They scrolled through the answers, and the princesses turned deeper and deeper shades of red. Samus even caught her name in there a few times, much to her surprise. She could feel Peach's growing fury as more and more responses indicated a preference for Zelda.
Unfortunately, Fox chose this exact moment to pop in the doorway and pipe up, "How's it going, ladies?"
Peach turned on him, "FOX! WHO is more sexually appealing: Zelda or I?!"
Fox's eyes widened in terror as he looked from the seething Princess of Mushroom Kingdom to the troubled Princess of Hyrule to the amused bounty hunter. "Um..I...well..." he stuttered. Then he looked down at his watch-less wrist and blurted, "Well, what doya know!? I'm late for training with...Olimar! Tricky little Pikmin...you know how it is...c-ya, girls!" And he dashed at the door while activating his reflector, just in case Peach retaliated.
"Well that was...enlightening," Zelda mumbled as she left the page and straightened her dress. "Let's move on."
Hours flew by as the three women read website upon website of information analyzing, critiquing, and ranking their abilities in the Smash Tournament. Samus and Peach retired by 2 a.m., both participating in matches the following afternoon. Zelda, however, stayed up and searched their names deeper and deeper into the realm of the Internet.
Samus did not get a chance to talk to Zelda the next morning, since she woke up extra early to get some breakfast and last-minute training in. Today was a Team Brawl match, and she would be partnered up with Ike. They met up on the way to the Final Destination map.
"Do you know who we're facing today?" asked Samus. Master Hand was doing a poor job of alerting the competitors any earlier than the day before as to whom they were battling. He said it added a certain mystery and surprise to the mix, but Samus did not appreciate the blindness going into a match. She liked to be prepared.
"Marth and Lucas," Ike responded.
"Oh, I hate brawling Lucas," Samus sighed. "He has so many good long-range attacks."
"It's cheap," Ike muttered. "You focus on him. I'll take the prince. He's fast, but I'm strong."
The mighty warrior was blunt and outspoken, but Samus got the feeling that he was actually a very private, reserved person and loyal friend. She knew he had a rough past, as many other Smashers did, but she never got close enough to him to learn the story.
Within hours, the stadium was packed with spectators and the other Smashers. Master Hand himself claimed the throne-like seat that sat above everyone else.
Samus paced the waiting room, unusually apprehensive. She had always prided herself on being levelheaded and cool, but for some reason, today she was all nerves.
"Why are you so anxious?" Ike barely lifted his head as he twirled his blade idly. "We've gone over the strategy plenty of times."
"I don't know what's come over me," she resigned, quadruple-checking her armor's security. Then it hit her like a Falcon Punch. The Smash Tournament web pages. After reading all the pros and cons of her fighting technique, she was especially self-conscious about her performance. Is my roll really atrocious? I can't be a bad K.O.er - I K.O. don't I? My bombs aren't useless! I can't be that heavy! Snap out of it, Samus, Ike will kill you if we lose this!
"PK THUNDER!" Lucas screamed, and Samus turned around to see the ball of electricity heading her way. She froze for a split second, thinking about her supposed weak counterattacks, and lost all momentum. Just before she got hit, Ike rolled around Marth, flashed forward and sent Lucas flying off into the sky, breaking the boy's PSI-connection. He then turned on a dime and deflected Marth's dancing blade. The counter knocked the prince off the stage.
"GAME!" Master Hand's voice reverberated throughout the entire stadium.
Samus blinked. She didn't remember doing any good this match besides avoiding getting K.O.ed more than three times.
She went forward to congratulate her partner, but he shook his head and walked away. "Whatever your problem is, take care of it," he called over his shoulder.
Samus didn't have time to scorn herself, because Zelda and Peach where swarming her in an instant, visibly excited.
"Great match, Sam!" Peach bubbled.
"Ha!" Samus barked. "Did you even wat-"
"We have got to show you something," Peach said and nodded towards Zelda. "She found it."
Samus swung around to look at the Hylian, who was looking equally exhausted and pleased with herself.
"I almost missed your match today because of it," Zelda began. "But last night, I was searching more and more websites involving us, and I found this fan fiction site that has us - "
"Wait, wait. Fan fiction?" Samus interrupted.
"Yes," Zelda waved her hand in annoyance. "It's a fan-based creative writing forum. People take previously created characters and stories and write their own take on them."
"And people have written these about us?" Samus mused, completely forgetting about her lackluster match.
"Yes!" Zelda exclaimed, the usually calm and collected royalty practically bouncing in excitement. "Fans have written all sorts of stories about us! And you should see the genres! Romance, tragedy, comedy, adventure! There's even a category called 'Western,' but I'm not sure what that's all about."
"We haven't read any of them yet, because we were waiting for you," Peach said. "So hurry and get out of your armor!"
Soon after, the three crowded around the computer, eagerly anticipating their first ever fan fiction.
"Oooh!" Peach cooed. "'Not Part of the Job Description.' The events directly preceding Subspace Emissary. Why was Fox chasing down the Halberd? Why was Snake hiding out in it? Why was Lucas roaming through the deserted zoo? Every character's back story."
"Sounds interesting!" Zelda agreed and clicked on the link.
Fifteen chapters flew by as the women grew more and more engrossed with the story. Pleased, they moved on to a comedy, which depicted a Clue-like game scenario with the Smashers. Once Samus explained what Clue was, the three found it hilarious.
After a fluffy story about Zelda and Link's romance, a particularly loud grumble in Samus' stomach caught everyone's attention. Samus looked down at her watch and gasped.
"One o'clock in the morning?! We've been up here the entire day!"
"I suppose we better give it a rest," Zelda agreed. "We don't want to read all of the good stuff in one night."
"Oh Koopa Shells," Peach muttered, disappointed. "And we were just getting into the romance section!"
"That's what we'll focus on all of tomorrow," Zelda assured her. "There are no matches tomorrow, so we can spend the whole day reading these delightful romances! I bet they're the best."
"Just think of the girl-to-boy ratio in this mansion," Peach grinned. "We're going to be the stars of a lot of these stories by default!"
"I know! Although, I can't imagine Link or I being paired up with anyone but each other," Zelda commented.
"Or Mario and I," Peach added. "I love a good romance. Tomorrow will be the best day ever!"
(A/N: I promise it gets juicer next chapter, when they discover the twisted world of SSB romance! Bum bum buuuuh!)