I had fun writing this chapter! I hope not too many people are disappointed with how I handled the individual assassinations; I like it better this way, though. If anyone is interested about the portal girl from chapter before this, go ahead and read my newest fanfic, White and Black. It features the DB, but it takes a new spin on that – no Silencer, no Bellamont (though they might come into the story later).
Everyone enjoy and gimme some birthday gift reviews!
o.O.o
My Sue Will Go On
o.O.o
When Mary returned to the Sanctuary, there was a general sigh of disappointment. From everyone but Gogron, actually – he didn't count, because he was still too awed by Mr. Fuzzems to make any kind of intelligent response. Rest assured that had he been capable of coherent thought, he would have likely given some form of reaction.
Moving on.
This fanfic was deemed incapable of writing down a precise account on how greatly Mary dealt with her missions. For further reference and a step-by-step analysis, please visit any bad bookstore near you and search for the autobiography "I'm perfect, Sue me!" by the famous Emperor's daughter herself.
In our shortened version of the first four assassinations Mary had managed to complete, we will strive to describe things as accurately as possible.
Through her telepathic powers, Mary was able to foresee exactly which four people Vicente would be asking her to assassinate, including the faked assassination of Francois Montierre. Then, realizing the severity of her mission, she decided to deal with all of them in one fell swoop, so that she could spend more time pondering her newfound feelings for Vicente Valtieri, which were far more interesting than some killing and hacking and slashing people.
Still, for continuity's sake, we must at least mention her brave and courageous deeds. And those of Mr. Fuzzems, of course; the brave bunny accompanied Mary on her tasks at all times, hardened by his time with Gogron.
On her first quest, Mary decided that this was a test of her superior intellect. Thus she stopped at the nearest Dolce & Gabbana to place a special order. Through her time-hastening abilities, Mary was able to have her costume prepared for her within five minutes.
By the time she arrived at the Imperial City, she was cunningly disguised as Elizabeth Swann from the Pirates of the Caribbean movie; she liked the outfit from the third one best, though she was somewhat hesitant about announcing herself as the Pirate King of Tamriel. It was a bluff, unfortunately; Mary had not yet had time to become Pirate King of Tamriel. She had done so in the franchise from which she stole the outfit, of course, but that was a different matter entirely.
Mr. Fuzzems was a bit of a problem, but a moment later, he was back on his usual spot on Mary's shoulder, disguised as her pet parrot.
To be original and completely cool, Mary introduced herself as Bloody Mary to the pirates. Naturally, the pirates all believed her and, in awe of her mahogany-colored hair, immediately offered to bring her to the captain. Tussaud, in turn, was immediately smitten with her and conveniently set everyone away to pick flowers for their wedding. Mary hesitated then, compassion taking hold of her. She couldn't kill a person in love! It was her fault for being so gorgeous! But death was better than heartbreak, she supposed, but still…
While she angsted over the difficult decision, Mr. Fuzzems got bored of being ignored and bit Tussaud's ankle. How he got there, no one knows, nor is it clear why the captain wasn't wearing shoes or boots at that moment. Nevertheless, it turned out that he was conveniently allergic to the little bunny's saliva. Which meant instant death, of course, because allergies weren't pretty and then Mary would be obliged to save him for bringing this misfortune upon him.
To Mary, it looked as if he had died of a mysterious heart attack. His heart had burst with love, she realized with tears in her eyes. Such a wonderful display of affection! She practically swooned, accidentally falling of the Marie Elena's balcony and into the water below. Like a mermaid, Mary burst from the water, her long wet locks glittering in the sunlight, catching the eye of everyone within a five hundred mile radius.
The water was magical, apparently, as Mary was now dressed in a tiny pink bikini that went perfectly with her strawberry blonde hair. She decided to kill two birds with one stone (literally, though only partly, as she was fundamentally against hurting animals – which was why she wanted Lucien to join Greenpeace upon their marriage) and went straight to the Imperial Prison.
But she was so clumsy! Her stealth broke horribly when she bumped right into the escaping emperor and his guards.
Da da dun!
Emperor Uriel Septim had a heart attack upon seeing his long-lost daughter return to him (or perhaps it was just the sight of all that cleavage at his age, poor thing), making all the Mythic Dawn agents angry when he died before they had a chance to stab him. Conveniently, however, Mary knew all about her long-lost brother and told the Blades everything. She even offered to help with the Amulet of Kings, but the guards refused rather frantically. They practically threw the Amulet at another escaping prisoner who was just trying to appear inconspicuous and get the hell out of there.
In the end, Mary and the Blades worked out a "we didn't see you, you didn't see us" policy and all went on their way.
The bikini-clad Mary killed her target by performing the "bend and snap" from Legally Blonde (soooo her most favorite movie ever!) – after being locked in a cell for eleven years with no internet, that was more than enough to cause a fatal heart attack. Of course no guards arrested her, but Mary knew better than to walk around in a bikini and so she put on her shrouded armor, which was still electric pink. It blinded the guards completely when she waltzed out the front doors.
Then, she made her way to Chorrol, where she killed Francois Montiere when his mind went into overload at the complexity of the plan she presented to him, blinded Hides-His-Heart with her pink armor and allowed Mr. Fuzzems to glare at the zombies in the chapel, effectively killing them. oh, and she resurrected Montierre, of course. She couldn't botch a mission, could she now? Montierre proposed to her, of course, but Mary kindly refused, like a noble queen.
In Bruma, Mr. Fuzzems did the whole job, biting through the fastenings of the minotaur head while Mary went off to buy a good fur coat – not actual fur, of course. They made an excellent team.
On the way back to Cheydinhal, Mary turned to the more pressing matters; her love life.
Things were always complicated in this, but Mary couldn't remember a time when she had been in love with more than one man. Meaning equally in love. Lucien was her True Love, that was clear, but Vicente… there was a connection between them, although they had met only once. She had made somewhat of a fool of herself at their first meeting, but now, she had something to impress him with. She had to see how he felt about her, which would hopefully help her decide.
She had no problem with having several men fall in love with her at once, but it was unheard of for her to be deeply in love with more than one.
She sighed prettily, riding her new horse Pinkie Pie she got at Ponyville. It was a talking horse, of course, but as it was listening to an ipod on the way to Cheydinhal, it didn't really have much to say. It was a fast horse, of course, because they were still on the run from the My Little Pony lawyers.
Cheydinhal was still pretty as ever, but the Sanctuary was conveniently empty. M'raaj Dar has by now been excluded from the story entirely, due to his resentful attitude towards the player character and the fact that we already have the obnoxious cheerleader persona in Antoinetta Marie. The others were covering in fear when the chestnut-haired beauty floated into the underground Sanctuary.
Conveniently, Mary met no one on the way to Vicente, who was reading a book this time in a handsomely manly fashion. Mary felt her heart pounding immediately when she spotted him, but the doubt and guilt continued to eat at her. She had to be very careful, else this might turn into a soap opera without any actual plot. And the Great Plot wouldn't like that.
"Oh, Mary. Welcome back. I trust your mission is completed?" Vicente raised his head only for a moment to check what new monstrosity the woman was wearing. Her hair was dark brown now, her eyes a gypsy-like green and her outfit something that might have once belonged to a polar bear.
She, on the other hand, was red as a beet root and about as attractive as one. "Yes, Vicente. I completed three more so I could get here quickly. I-I missed you." she said shyly, taking a step closer and filling the room with fake fur.
"How did you know who to kill?" the vampire asked, raising an eyebrow when Mary handed him a few pages from her diary with detailed accounts on the deaths. When their fingers touched for less than half a second, Mary almost hyperventilated. "Only the Night Mother knows that."
Mary considered that a compliment. "Does it really matter? I'm back here… with you…" she trailed off, allowing the fur coat to slide off her shoulders. She was wearing a skin-tight Bride of Dracula vampire Halloween costume underneath it. No fake teeth, though. Her diction had to remain flawless.
Vicente observed the getup rather dispassionately, though he was distinctly amused. If his math was correct, it would take her a few minutes to choke, because the material was obviously two sizes too small for her. "Indeed. Well, I suppose this makes you an Eliminator now. My congratulations, you have certainly performed well." he said, fully intending to continue reading and dismiss her with that.
"It means a lot to hear you say that." Mary said, lighting the dimly lit chamber up with her pearly teeth. Vicente covered his eyes, wondering if it was possible for him to sustain sun damage from that. "But I get the feeling there's more you want to tell me." she encouraged gently, making certain that it was visible that she had no bra and still had humps like THAT.
"Actually, yes." Vicente noted, remembering one last detail. Sweet Sithis, he would be free of the latex-clad lunatic. Perhaps there was actually something to the concept of heavenly mercy. "You will no longer receive your assignments from me, but from Ocheeva. She should be waiting for you already."
Unexpectedly, Mary burst into tears of joy and heartbreak at the same time, never messing up her perfect make up. "Oh, Vivi! It's such a sacrifice for us both!" she lamented, sobbing breathily. "Yet you know that if things were different, I would bind myself to you and only you!"
The vampire's eyebrows rose slowly. "Pardon?"
"I want to be what you are. See what you see - love what you love." Mary cited readily, ignoring the copyright lawyers of F.F. Coppola banging on her door. Elsewhere, Winona Rider was cheerfully committing suicide for having her lines mocked so horribly. "But you know about my love for Lucien; the Great Plot cannot be denied." Mary's tears were like pearls, no, diamonds! And a thousand times more beautiful and valuable on the black market, too. Not many things made a Sue cry.
"I… see." Vicente said slowly. He was only getting the part when she was saying that there was no chance for them. "How tragic." he said, rather dryly, feeling the exact opposite. Good riddance.
"Yes, tragic!" Mary nodded fervently. "We could have been together forever!" For a moment, it seemed that her heart was breaking, but then, she collected herself with grace and managed a smile that would have made even Megatron from Transformers cry like a baby. "But don't worry! I'm immortal too! That's why I never asked you to turn me into a vampire; I'd look bad with wrinkles anyway. Not you of course – you look great!"
"Thank you." Vicente said uncertainly, hoping that this was the end of things. He didn't like that part about her being immortal, though. He was about to offer to test it when she spoke again.
"Anyway, so when one day, inevitably, Lucien and I are parted by death, you can swoop in and comfort me in a very manly fashion!" Mary suggested brightly, her eyes glittering with love and deeply-rooted bipolar disorder. "Don't worry – it's just, what, fifty more years? Then we can be together forever, my love!" Mary whispered huskily, pressing herself against the tense vampire, innocently unaware of her well-endowed chest and the clear view of it she was giving. "But I cannot bring myself to breaking Lucien's heart! And I love him! Very very much!"
"Well… my blessings to you; my condolences to Lucien." Valtieri muttered, quite certain that she wouldn't understand the meaning of that word. He fully intended to pass some missions on to Ocheeva for her to give Mary.
"Thankies! I'll go see Mow-beaver then!" Vicente assumed she meant Ocheeva, but decided it wasn't worth asking. "Don't worry, I'll come visit!"
And then, her jet-black hair with purple highlights twirling behind her in slow-motion, Mary shed a single tear and turned on her heel to leave her beloved for the time being. Vicente picked the crystallized tear up and decided to see if it could be used in a poison or a voodoo ritual.
MarySueMarySueMarySueMarySueMarySueMarySueMarySueMarySueMarySueMarySueMarySueMarySueMarySueMarySue
Cadlew Chapel was a horror of dead Necromancers and their experiments. Or it had been, the signs outside kept warning. Otherwise, it was as much of a church as any other, save for the large sign spread above the door.
It read: "The Anti Sue Office" in flashing red letters.
Lucien entered it without expecting anything, though he had a few wild ideas about what he might find there. He didn't bother with casual clothing on this journey; after all, it was better that these people knew who they were dealing with. Then they might be serious about the job.
When he entered, he saw that the interior of the building had been completely rearranged. The basis of a chapel still remained there, but the altar was gone, replaced by an ordinary desk and chair. A messy stack of files was nearby and the entire office seemed to be quite active. Upon a closer look, however, the Speaker discovered that there was only one person there.
A Khajiit. A male Khajiit dressed in rather haggard grey robes, glasses on his desk, playing an anniversary version of Elder Scrolls: Arena on his outdated computer. He didn't even spot Lachance before the Imperial stood before his desk, upon which he jumped slightly, then sulked and turned off his game.
"You are here because of Mary Sue, yes?" the Khajiit asked when he looked up. He didn't appear fazed by the dark robes, the visible dagger or the cold look in Lucien's eyes. Not even essential characters displayed such courage and daring at the best of times.
"How did you guess?" the Speaker asked, his deep voice laced with sarcasm that went unnoticed by the receptionist.
The Khajiit shrugged in a mysteriously wise and wisely mysterious manner. "M'aiq knows much, tells some. M'aiq knows many things others do not."
Lachance decided not to comment on that. He wasn't certain what he had been expecting, but it certainly wasn't this. "I was told that I might find the Anti Sue here." he explained curtly, looking around. The office was decorated with concept art from the previous Elder Scrolls games, along with a few artifacts from all of them. The largest poster was that of what seemed to be a wereshark and a dragon playing poker. It was obviously the favorite one. "Her… services are required by the Black Hand."
"Backhand Mary Sue is a good idea." the Khajiit agreed, rummaging through the drawers of his desk, looking for his bottle of ink. He found it and triumphantly put it back where it belonged. "M'aiq will write it down for future reference."
"Is the Anti Sue here?" Lucien asked impatiently. At least he was at the right place, it seemed. But there were no Orcs around; actually, M'aiq was the only person present. Nothing indicated that anyone else visited too often. "I have a job for her."
"Name?" M'aiq asked, scribbling things into a form.
Normally, Lucien wouldn't be this keen to give out his name to someone who wasn't a member of the Brotherhood, but these were desperate times;desperate measures were called for. Besides, he assumed that Mary would likely tell all of Tamriel the moment she had a chance. "Lucien Lachance."
The Khajiit cringed slightly and looked up at Lachance with a very sympathetic glance. It was unnerving. "Ooh, M'aiq feels sorry for you. Whenever M'aiq searches for new Sues in this franchise, your name pops up." he noted, somewhat less cheerfully than before.
The hooded Speaker raised an eyebrow, hiding the wave of fear that passed through him well. "Indeed?" One Sue was enough, but… there were more of those… things?!
"Oh, yes." the Khajiit nodded seriously. Sues were quite common in the realm of fanfiction and M'aiq was an avid reader of good parodies. However, at times, he just couldn't avoid the Sue plague. "M'aiq would think that human females would prefer men that lack a history in homicide." He shook his head, observing Lachance. Quite plainly, he didn't see what was so attractive about the Imperial, but then again, he wasn't human or female. "Sick, sick people."
"You can help, then?" Lachance asked, refusing to take the seat he was offered.
"The Anti Sue needs information. Sign these papers. M'aiq will deal with the rest."
Lachance did so, reading the terms and conditions only briefly. It seemed that this was serious business after all. "What exactly are we talking about?"
"M'aiq is a secretary of the Anti Sue." the Khajiit explained, "M'aiq must follow unnecessary regulations before the Anti Sue can be summoned to this realm. Observe Mary Sue. Track her. Write down the horrors she commits to scare off young fanfiction writers." The fur on his neck stood up as he shuddered. "Scary things."
"Do whatever you need." Lachance said firmly. He was prepared to ally with anyone – meaning anyone – if it rid him of the horrors the Sue could inflict upon him. "I was told that only the Anti Sue can help, as Mary cannot be destroyed directly."
"M'aiq doesn't know how to destroy Mary Sue. Mary is an ancient creature, older than dragons, M'aiq thinks. The Anti Sue can drive her back to the Seas of Bad Fanfiction, but it will be difficult." M'aiq noted, going to a nearby drawer and taking out a suitcase with the insignia of a sparkly anime schoolgirl with a black bar over her eyes in the targeting scope of a gun and two words written in slanted but clear handwriting in blood red ink.
Somehow, it brought Lachance some small comfort to read the words "Sue Busters" on the equipment suitcase. "How difficult?"
"A Colovian Fur Helmet is easier to find than driving Mary Sue back, M'aiq thinks. It will require documentation. Detective work! And a fishy stick, if you have one." M'aiq added, glancing at the Speaker hopefully.
Lachance's eyes narrowed. He didn't have time for nonsense. "I don't."
"Neither does M'aiq. Such a shame." the Khajiit said, sighing rather sadly.
"Tell me about the Anti Sue." Lucien requested upon seeing that M'aiq was getting ready to leave. They were walking out of the chapel by the time the Khajiit started talking.
"M'aiq has little knowledge of the Anti Sue. Contacting her requires a ritual that is almost forgotten." M'aiq confessed. "But first, detective work."
"Is it too much to ask to summon her now?" Time was wasting, after all.
"The Great Plot cannot be denied. M'aiq must determine the weakness of Mary Sue before the Anti Sue can be summoned."
Lucien could practically hear the "Alleluia" chorus of the imaginary Dunmer angels from the second chapter soaring down from the skies and dancing the tango around his head. "She has a weakness?"
"Mary Sue must always have a weakness. People sympathize with her that way. M'aiq knows that." the Khajiit explained, giving Lachance a bulletin titled Who is Mary Sue and why must she die?
The Speaker accepted it with glee, surprised at how fast M'aiq could run even as he mounted Shadowmere, who was waiting for him. "Very well, then. Come with me; I will summon her to perform a task. There hasn't been enough carnage here for some time." he said, sending a quick prayer to Sithis.
There was still hope.