Another day, another chapter! The title is taken from two James Bond movies! Will Lucien succeed? Will Mary be thwarted? Is M'aiq lying about being able to summon the Anti Sue? Stay tuned to find out!

Just a side note to Jessica Malatori – I have something special planned for Mr. Fuzzems, believe me. He is a crucial character second only to Mary. So no worries.

o.O.o

You Only Sue Twice or Mary is Forever

o.O.o

Ocheeva simply didn't believe how bad their luck was. The impostor was still among them and Lucien wasn't responding to her repeated letters saying that it was highly likely that the crazed girl was the traitor they were all trying to root out. Not that it was the actual truth, as Mary had joined the Brotherhood after the actual traitor had started working, but that didn't change the fact that they had to get rid of that thing, pronto.

The bad thing was, Mary wasn't actually ruining the name of the Brotherhood; she had yet to botch a contract, got all her bonuses and somehow managed to stop Vicente from making a meal out of her. Possibly due to the fact that he was afraid her blood might be poisonous or infected, which was understandable.

Moreover, Antoinetta was acting strangely as well. Usually, she was a perky young girl, but nowadays, she seemed to have permanent PMS, which was getting really annoying. Telaendril quietly requested being sent on missions out of the Sanctuary, frustrated that Gogron was acting strangely as well whenever that damned rodent Mary carried around showed up; Schemer, the Sanctuary pet rat, was feeling underappreciated as well.

In short, things were going to hell and fast.

Thus Ocheeva resorted to desperate measures; she began sending Mary, now an Eliminator, on ridiculously difficult missions and hoping that she might get killed.

"You have to kill Faelian outdoors." she had emphasized during their first assignment together. "With a lot of people around."

"Sure, why not?" Mary had shrugged gracefully, her ginger hair glowing in the torchlight as if drenched in hazardous chemicals. Strangely, though, she managed to perform the task correctly – the High Elf died in a similar manner like the Emperor did, only this time truly because of too much cleavage exposure. With all the skooma in his system, he saw four times as many breasts and tried to make sure they were real. Needless to say, the entire Legion in the city rushed in to protect Mary's honor and crushed him without a second thought.

"Your bonus will be forfeit if you kill Roderick in any other way." the Argonian warned Mary as she sicked the airhead on a fortress filled with mercenaries armed to the teeth. "Therefore you should go unarmed!"

"Okay, Chichi!" Mary had beamed. She was, apparently, in the process of creating cutesy nicknames for all the Sanctuary members, which was an improvement from the horrors she invented when she didn't remember their full names.

Still, being called Chichi did nothing to improve the Argonian's mood. Gogron was still Go-Go, though he, being under Mary's black magic, hardly cared, Telaendril was Teli (fortunately, the elf cared about Mary about as much as she cared about the corpses she usually left behind) though Mary would often muse that Tawny was a better name for her. Much more hip and cool.

M'raaj Dar, effectively cut out of the story, was enjoying a holiday somewhere on Summerset Isle, thus he was effectively spared the horrors. Vicente was Vivi and the vampire cringed ever so slightly when reminded of that. Teinaava didn't have a nickname yet, simply because he had hidden away from Mary up till that point, but their encounter was inevitable in the near future.

Strangely enough, Mary called Antoinetta Tony and always tried to teach her the song "Maria" from West Side Story as a gesture of friendship. No one knew why.

In any case, Mary returned from the first mission under Ocheeva's instructions without as much as a scratch. Heck, she had actually left Mr. Fuzzems – who qualified as a weapon – back at the Sanctuary, so that was saying something.

"Do you like parties?" Ocheeva asked tiredly, hoping that this time, it would work. "You've been invited to one!"

"Ohmigod!" Mary squealed, her flaxen curls bouncing around her head and her pale violet eyes twinkling dangerously. "I LUV parties! But I'm taken, so any cuties there are a no-go." Then, she tilted her head in interest. "Say, don't you want to come, Chichi? Teli can come too, she needs the socializing! And Tony, of course – needs to get out more!"

Ocheeva cringed, but hid it very well. "No, no, no! Special party, just for you, Mary! You have to kill all the guests! But make sure you tell them you're the killer!"

Mary had, unknowingly, received attribute-damaging magical items upon completing every mission. But the powers of Su were too strong for such petty magics. The plot required Mary to survive and thrive, so she did. And so Mary had to go shopping on her own, the poor thing, because Donna Karan didn't answer her call this time. She went to the nearest mall and bought a Sparkly Fairy Princess of DOOM ball gown at a Disney Princess shop. Alas, on the way, she discovered that her boobs had grown because of her sudden plot advancement and was forced to select new and revealing lingerie, because all the usual underwear had been sold out.

Ah, the woes of Mary Sue knew no measure.

But Ocheeva was to be denied a third time – Mary triumphed and succeeded with the mission.

"This is getting ridiculous." Teinaava proclaimed when they got word that their newest Eliminator was returning home. "Send her to kill Scar Tail. She has no chance against a trained assassin who is waiting for us to make a move."

His egg-mate complied without too much hope; all that this earned them was having Mary mistake Teinaava and Scar Tail both for Barney – she cried that Scar Tail was mean when he snapped at her that she was stupid and that he knew no Barney and Mr. Fuzzems frightened him to death with an ear-piercing Nazgul-like shriek before he could even apologize.

Teinaava only earned the nickname Nana when he explained that he wasn't Barney.

"Welcome to the family. Join the club." Ocheeva grumbled when he came to complain about it.

"She is a monster." Teinaava noted. "She must be stopped."

"And how do you propose we do that?" Ocheeva countered. "She is unstoppable! And we are bound by the Tenets; we cannot slay her in her sleep! We need to get her break the Tenets if we are to deal with her."

"No, there is a better way." Teinaava said, suddenly brightening up. His face was shrewd – he was up to something. "We can deal with all of our problems in one fell swoop." he gave Ocheeva a pointed glance. "Send her after Phillida."

"Phillida? You know that not even top-ranked Executioners have succeeded in taking him down! She isn't nearly stupid enough to believe that a mere Eliminator would be given this mission!" Ocheeva snapped.

Teinaava gave a shrug. "Promote her to Assassin, then. Make her feel special about herself. And then buy some popcorn so that we may watch the show. This will be amusing – a win-win situation!"

Ocheeva finally conceded the point and went to find Mary. Unfortunately, she came at a bad time – the lovely, beautiful, breathtaking Eliminator was in the process of taking her share of verbal abuse from Antoinetta. The Breton stalked off in a huff once the Argonian entered, glancing over her shoulder dramatically at the last moment.

"So stop feeling so good about yourself, you no-talent herb-sniffing wuss!" Antoinetta snapped in a particularly stereotypical cheerleader fashion, referring not to any potion-making skills Mary might have but the fact that she had excellent taste in perfumes. "And you're fat, too!" she spat before promptly crashing into the nearest Dark Guardian because she tripped over her own feet.

Mary sighed sadly, though not angstily and glanced up at Ocheeva. "Oh, hello, Chichi." she noted in an attractively melancholic fashion and sighed. "You need something from me?"

If it were any other person, Ocheeva might have felt bad about the immense sadness in Mary's ebony eyes, but as it was Mary, she didn't think much of shaking the feeling off. "Yes, indeed. You are hereby promoted to Assassin, Mary. This is sudden, but only because we have... come to rely on your abilities." the Argonian invented wildly. "I have a most important contract. One that has been sanctioned by the Black Hand itself."

"Ooh." Mary cooed, making Dee-Dee from Dexter's Laboratory sound like a rocked scientist in comparison, watching Ocheeva with a protuberant gaze.

"Do you recall the name Adamus Phillida?" Mary shook her head, still eying Ocheeva like a chameleon would, sans any blinking. "The Imperial Legion pest?" Ocheeva sighed. Everyone knew Phillida and Mary always seemed to know her target.. "In any case, it's time he joined Sithis in the Void."

"Aw, come on, Chichi. Someone with such a girly name couldn't be a real threat." Mary said, perking up a bit. "I mean, Phillida? Sounds girly. And dirty. Hey!" she suddenly smiled. "I bet he'd be a great match for Tony!" Mary exclaimed, remembering her plan to set Antoinetta up with some nice guy. Score for her intelligence!

"Adamus Phillida has spent his entire career investigating the Dark Brotherhood, interrupting our contracts, killing our family members!" Ocheeva explained wearily. "We've tried to eliminate him, of course, but failed on three separate occasions."

"But think of the possibilities of the new ship!" Mary exclaimed, unwilling to accept the contract. She wanted Tony to be happy and out of the way in regards to their love triangle. "They sound perfect for each other."

The Argonian sighed inwardly. She hadn't thought of this possibility, but she had an idea of how to convince Mary. Never mind that it was against the rules to refuse an assignment, that wouldn't work. There was only one thing to do to convince Mary.

"And he's a puppy-kicker." Ocheeva noted darkly, as if this was the crime of the century.

Predictably, Mary's perfectly manicured hand moved to cover her coral mouth, somehow not smearing her sticky lip gloss across her face. "No!" she gasped out, shocked and appalled.

"I'm afraid so."

Mary stood up with heroic resolution. "This threat to fuzzy and cute creatures must be eliminated!" she proclaimed, pointing an accusing finger at Ocheeva. She then vanished in a cloud of pink sparkly dust, much to the dismay of Gogron, who had been traumatizing Mr. Fuzzems. The bunny vanished with her, of course.

"I wouldn't get my hopes up." Vicente noted when he saw the rest of the Sanctuary members huddled in a corner and crossing their fingers for Mary's demise. He showed them a voodoo Barbie doll of Mary he had made. The multitude of needles in it made it look like a mutated metal hedgehog. "I have tried everything within the possibilities I have been given."

"Sweet Sithis, let this succeed!" Teinaava prayed, "I cannot believe I am actually hoping that the Legion will succeed."

"You should have sent me to shoot her in case it doesn't work, Ocheeva." Telaendril noted glumly, sharpening her arrows.

"We are agreed that we break the Tenets just this once if she returns." Ocheeva noted soothingly. Actually, all of them were armed as if they were going to face all the Daedra of Oblivion in one fell swoop.

"I, like, totally knew you guys liked me more!" Antoinetta said in a preppy accent that made everyone back away from her.

"Can I keep Mr. Fuzzems, then?" Gogron asked innocently, his entire mind consumed with the vision of the bunny. No one deemed it worthy of answering.

This was how Blanche, otherwise known as the Portal Girl from chapter four, found them. Now, as an unwilling associate of the Dark Brotherhood and its business, she had seen some odd things over the years, but nothing as disturbing as this. She hadn't expected it was this bad.

"Cousin!" Gogron noticed her first, possibly because of the white robes she was wearing. They were reminiscent of the color of Mr. Fuzzems´ fur.

The mage raised her eyebrows. "I don't think I want to know. Scratch that, I know but I wish I didn't." she muttered, digging out a parcel from her bag and handing it to Ocheeva.

"Does that mean Lucien knew this atrocity would happen?" Vicente asked delicately, but there was an air of very careful anger around him. It was enough to make any sane and non-Sued person nervous. Blanche gave a weak half-smile and shook her head. "Does he at least know how to deal with that creature?"

"She isn't here, then? Oh, good." Blanche sighed in relief. "I really don't want to meet her. Well, anyway, Lucien called to ask me to deliver this to you guys. I originally meant to send a Dremora, but…" She observed the others, who were still looking edgy. "I thought you could use the moral support."

"Dully noted, Cousin, dully noted." Ocheeva muttered, but her bad mood wasn't aimed at her and everyone saw that. "So I'm guessing this means Lucien has a plan to get rid of her?"

"I think he does. He didn't tell me anything yet, but there was the oddest Khajiit with him. Kept asking me if I knew any good fables." Blanche shook her head, slightly amused. "Speaking of Khajiit, where is M'raaj Dar?"

"We don't know." Telaendril noted gloomily. "Antoinetta is acting strange and Gogron has become obsessed with a bunny that thing keeps as a pet and occasional comic relief! I don't know what to do!"

Blanche didn't really know how to comfort the elf, so she said nothing on that account. "Well, I was just told to have you give the parcel to Mary. The rest will be taken care of, I hope. I must get back to my research, unfortunately."

"You mean you don't have to be here anymore?" Teinaava asked with hopeful eyes. "Couldn't we go too?"

The Breton shook her head. "Not yet, I'm afraid. Just… trust in Lucien and Sithis, I suppose." she said in a somewhat lame attempt to brighten their spirits. They looked so glum and/or out of character, it was almost terrifying to watch. She had to get back to her own story. "And the Anti-Sue."

"Anti-Sue?" Telaendril asked, unaware that such a thing existed. Blanche produced the bulletin Who is Mary Sue and why does she have to die? – the updated version of the one from the previous chapter, showing more reasons for her death. M'aiq was actually a pretty good writer.

The whole group read through it quickly and shuddered.

"Blanche," Vicente, the fastest reader of them, looked up at the Breton immediately. He recognized some of those symptoms of behavior written about in the essay. "If I ever morph into one of those love-interests this article is writing about, you remember where the garlic is, don't you?"

The mage gave a nervous laugh before making a hasty exit out of the Sanctuary and, for the moment, this particular story. Lucien would kill her if she told him that getting him out of this might prove next to impossible.