After such a long time, I give you… the update!
Da da DUM!
Heh, in any case, a huge thank you to Stephanie Meyer for inspiration for this; I decided, against my better judgment, to give Twilight a chance and see why everyone hated it. I have been enlightened – after ten pages, since the moment Prince Charming opened his glorious sparkly mouth, I had to toss the book into a bonfire. Mary still lives. In bestsellers. Wahoo.
o.O.o
I Spy Some Purple Prose
o.O.o
And so Mary Sue set off to fulfill yet another task for the Dark Brotherhood; only this time, she was followed. Not initially, as one of the pursuers was more than reluctant to do so, but at the mention of the various theories about what might happen to him if he didn't, Lucien had to concede that M'aiq had a point – they had to follow Mary to find out what her weaknesses are or to summon the Anti-Sue based on their new information. Having received a letter regarding Mary's new mission, it was relatively easy to track her to Leyawiin.
Once there, it was highly easy to spot her mahogany hair with sienna highlights among the crowds, partly because no one in nature had such a hair color, partly because everyone seemed to be giving her a wide berth. With reason, of course. She was dressed in her electric pink Dark Brotherhood armor that somehow went well with all that. However, now that she had filled in, the armor looked ready to rip around the chest, making it seem more like latex or second skin than actual armor.
Very noticeable indeed.
"Are you certain this is a good idea?" Lucien asked. The Speaker actually cringed when Mary seemed to glance in his direction; fortunately, there was a convenient bush behind which they were hiding for the moment. Shadowmere remained in the stables out of the city – most of all, M'aiq had said that it was most essential not to try and blend in.
"Avoiding Mary Sue is a bad idea." M'aiq adjusted his antique binoculars as he followed the sickeningly perfect girl with his eyes. Mary Sue invaded fandoms often enough, but somehow, the protesting writers simply couldn't hold their own against the newbies and thus the funding of the Anti-Sue office had declined. His equipment looked ancient in comparison to what one saw in spy movies. "She would find you eventually. The element of surprise is very important in hunting her."
Lachance raised an eyebrow. He was beginning to feel that he was still surrounded by idiots and fools. "What element of surprise?"
"Simple. Mary Sue love interests run from Mary Sue – those that are still sane, anyway." M'aiq amended, casting a glance at the Speaker; a glance that plainly said he wasn't going to guess in what group Lachance belonged. "To act contrary to logic is in the nature of Sue-d characters. Mary Sue will never suspect you of doing just that." he finished, looking satisfied when the Speaker blinked.
"Oh." But there was one crucial detail missing… "How does this help us, then?" Lachance prided himself in usually being knowledgeable on every subject he was required to speak of. It frustrated him that he knew so little about their current topic, but it was also a source of elation for him.
"The letter from your friend said Mary Sue has been sent to assassinate a powerful NPC in the open." M'aiq explained, gripping his binoculars as Mary began talking with some Legion officers, who were almost immediately under the spell of the powers of Su. It had to be pheromones. Someday, he was going to find out and have a grand lecture about it at the Fanfic Writing Convention. Mary Sue defeated by bug spray – that would be a nice title. "We will get to see the scope of her powers."
"Perhaps she will fall in love with someone else and rid me of the problem herself." Lachance muttered, a hopeful tone to his suggestion. The Legion idiots were gathering around the beast, almost drooling – in a manner that didn't show the difference between wanting her and wanting to eat her. There was a chance that it might be both. A small one, regretfully.
The Khajiit gave a mild nod, weighting the options. "That is possible. A dragon M'aiq once knew once thought the same." he noted, pausing to recall the memory. It was a vivid one, to be certain. The sparkles still blinded him, even now. "It ended quite well."
Unfortunately, that wasn't quite enough to convince Lachance. "Well how?" He didn't become Speaker of the Black Hand by satisfying himself with bits of information.
"Well…" the Khajiit felt a slight grin tug at the corners of his mouth. "They don't call M'aiq the Liar for no reason..."
Lachance groaned inwardly. This was going to be a long epic tale.
The pair (in M'aiq's case, heavily disguised with fake bush branches and the army-green color of his 'detective work' robes) watched as havoc began to threaten. Mary Sue was still the center of all attention and every officer within sight seemed to be intent on helping her with her difficult task. It seemed that she had spun a story about her being Phillida's fiancée since they were kids (a long-forgotten history that made everyone sympathetic) and she had come to announce that she couldn't marry him because she loved another, who had died in a battle and she would remain true to him till death.
Phillida actually showed up and though he wasn't affected by this sudden ordeal, it seemed that he demanded quite a few explanations. In the meantime, all of the officers tried to cheer up and woo Mary at the same time until it seemed they were beginning to blame their retired superior for her sadness. A brawl hung in the air and the two observers knew that this time, Mary would not be merciful.
"Say, what about that Breton female that acts as your information source slash messenger?" M'aiq noted suddenly, marking a few boxes on a parchment with the words The Ultimate Mary Sue Litmus Test for Sue Busters and glancing at Lachance with raised ears.
"What about her?" the Speaker asked brusquely, his left eyelid twitching as he watched ordinary, boorish, mediocre soldiers turn into fops in sparkly armor for the beast. It was truly horrifying.
The Khajiit marked down a few more things before answering. "M'aiq knows she is an original character." Lachance gave the slightest nod, uncertain where this was going while watching the scene in front of them in morbid fascination before remembering to be very, very afraid that such a thing might happen to him. "If you fell in love with her and explained it to Mary Sue with enough melodrama, it might help… if we are dealing with Angsty Mary Sue, of course." M'aiq shrugged. "M'aiq can't say for certain yet."
Once more, the Speaker cringed just a little bit. Not that the idea was utterly repulsive – certainly not, both of them could do much worse – but he could just about imagine how much Mary would wail and whine. He liked his eardrums the way they were. Plus, endangering someone who could possibly send Mary to Oblivion as a last resort wasn't a good idea. "No, thank you."
"M'aiq finds that sad." the Khajiit noted, his tail swishing a bit. He rather liked the mage from the brief encounter they had had. "Breton girl seemed interested in fables…"
Lachance gave the faintest snort; M'aiq didn't seem to hear it, fortunately. "Invite me to the wedding." he muttered to himself, imagining the somewhat humorous scene. If Blanche doesn't fireball you to Oblivion for that. Which she wouldn't, because she wasn't a Mary Sue or Anti-Sue, but it was something entertaining to imagine. Far better than Mary.
But M'aiq wasn't listening now; the Khajiit pressed the binoculars closer to his face. "Oooh, this is interesting." he said, scribbling onto the parchment again.
"Did the Legion dogs manage to kill her?" Lucien asked, struggling to grab the binoculars and see. That would be awesome news.
The Khajiit gave him a hard, doubtful look. "M'aiq is interested in fables, not utopias. It seems that Legion people are more interested in Mary Sue than is good for them… there isn't any hope left for them. So sad." Of course, he sounded anything but sad. This was needed information, down to the way Mary flounced away from the scene. He made a special note about Mr. Fuzzems, the only creature perceptive enough to notice them but not care in any way.
When Lucien finally got hold of the binoculars, he saw that Phillida had been beaten to a pulp by his own men, who were still trailing after Mary like lost puppies. Involuntarily, he was impressed. "I hate to admit it, but for a brainless twit, she sure knows how to use her talents."
"Mary Sue is a sly creature when she wants to be." M'aiq noted, calculating the final score. It was over a hundred; this beep was done-for now. The Anti-Sue despised Ultimate Sues above all else. They were done for today. "She can be omnipotent and powerless at the same time."
"I don't believe this." Lachance shook his head as Mary vanished in a pink puffy cloud of sparkles to the general ooh and aah of the crowd that had gathered around her. "People get away with this in this fanfiction thing you told me about?"
"This is a very realistic development for fanfiction, M'aiq thinks." It was true, actually; with the recent introduction of new fandoms and forums, the internet had been flooded with poor stories with little characterization. And then, the horror of horrors had been unleashed: self-inserts (read: Mary Sues). Perfect, loveable fifteen-year-olds that were able to save the universe without moving a finger. It was terrifying. "M'aiq has enough information now. Not enough to make a good fable… but enough for a decent plan." the Khajiit added hastily, catching a death glare sent towards him.
Lachance nodded, as pacified by this as he could be, considering the situation. "We should return to Fort Farragut, then. I'll have Blanche help us with this; she owes me that much for not bothering to show up herself to poison that beast when we still had a chance."
"M'aiq thinks that's a good idea. Maybe we can temporarily defeat Mary Sue by trapping her in a love triangle with some purple prose on the side…"
"No."
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Mary Sue, ecstatic that the dreaded puppy-kicker had been punished, felt like doing some good deeds on the way home. And this was how, by will of the Great Plot, she encountered one Lisette "Blanche" Lemieux, who had been on her way to Fort Farragut after receiving a letter near the Nocturnal shrine. Blanche had encountered a minotaur from which she intended to harvest horns by stunning and skinning it – in that order – but Mary, in her righteous mood, believed that the girl was being attacked by the minotaur and was in sore need of assistance. There was only one thing to do about a monster that didn't leave young maidens alone…
Mary sicked Mr. Fuzzems on him.
Needless to say, the poor sucker had no idea what hit him. In any case, Blanche did, which was why she bit her tongue as Mary flounced towards her. She knew that trying spells on her was useless, but it was almost too much of a tempting thought.
Clueless as ever, Mary gasped, quickly checking if the 'damsel in distress' was all right. "Oh, you poor dear!" she twittered, circling Blanche in a very discomforting manner. The Breton was having a very hard time restraining herself. "Are you all right?"
"Yes." Blanche figured that monosyllable responses could perhaps dissuade the twit from making more pointless conversation. "Thank you, but I had that under control…"
Of course, Mary wasn't listening by this point; she flashed her trademark blinding smile and rambled on while Blanche rubbed her suddenly wet eyes. Mary misinterpreted those tears as well. "No need to thank me! Whenever I see someone less fortunate then I – and let's face it, who isn't less fortunate then I? – my tender heart tends to start to bleed!
That and she was quoting a Broadway musical. There was no doubt about it now. Holy… "You're Mary Sue, aren't you?" Blanche asked, just in case. She would have preferred a different answer than having the anime-eyed monstrosity blink her baby blue non-swimming pools in surprise.
"Why, yes, I am!" Mary nodded, finally dropping the Kristin Chenoweth impersonation. "I didn't know someone would recognize me… I had hoped it wouldn't happen so soon! But wait… if you know my secret nickname, then you must be…"
"I'm not Dark Brotherhood…!" Blanche quickly said, believing they were the only ones who knew it.
"…one of my fans from my previous stories in Morrowind!" Mary finished happily. She was just about to start handing out autographs before blinking prettily again. "I- wait? You're Dark Brotherhood?" she asked incredulously, taking a better look at the mage's plain robes, young face and dark blonde hair.
"No… technically." Blanche noted curtly, willing to finish this as soon as possible.
"Ohmigod!" Mary gasped out, covering her mouth with a delicate hand. "I, like, totally wouldn't have guessed it! You're so young-looking…" she trailed off, deciding to compliment the best thing about her appearance. But the girl was actually normal-looking compared to the others!
"Uh, thanks?"
"Come on, I'll help you up." Blanche had been sitting on a tree stump throughout the conversation, waiting for Mr. Fuzzems to finish his gruesome work. The bunny was now returning, innocently chewing on a piece of grass. "Oh, you have dirt in your hair, I'm so sorry about that!"
Blanche gave the creature a hard look. "No I don't." she said flatly. She was aware of her shades of ash and tawny, thank you very much. "I didn't fall down."
"You mean… ah, how terrible for you! That's your natural hair color?!" Mary gasped out, a zillion ideas for possible highlights and/or hair color changes going through her mind.
Blanche shrugged. "I guess so…" She could modify the color through magic if she wanted to, but saw no need for such a step; why bother?
"Don't worry about it one bit!" Mary gushed out confidently before she could help herself – evidently, she wanted to cheer Blanche up and give her more self-confidence. "You're still relatively pretty in a slightly nerdy younger sister kind of way!"
"Of course." The best way to calm a lunatic was to agree with everything they said and ignore everything they didn't say. Blanche fulfilled both points to the very end, but her patience was at an end. "Well, sorry to have kept you, but I must be on my way now…"
"Wait!" Reluctantly, Blanche did. "You're going back to Cheydinhal, aren't you? To Chichi and Vivi and the others, right? And darling Lulukins!" Mary added, sighing dreamily at the very mention of Lachance. Her mental image of the Speaker had conveniently morphed into a knight in shining armor, though he still roughly resembled the man he was modeled after. However, there were limits to that, too.
Blanche, on the other hand, almost chortled with laughter. Now that was a first. Of course, Lucien would kill her if she called him that, but it was such an entertaining thought. "Something like that." she admitted.
"Sooo how do you know Lulu?" Mary asked immediately. She wasn't jealous at all, because obviously, this girl was some younger-sister kind of person to everyone she met, so there was no cause to be alarmed. Besides, she was nice enough looking, but definitely nowhere near as pretty and sparkly as Mary.
"Lucien?" Blanche asked just to verify it. she didn't wait for a response. "I suppose we could be considered friends…" It was a long story and she didn't have the time or patience to tell it to Mary. Moreover, she didn't want to.
But it was enough for the Sue, who clapped her hands excitedly. "I knew it! Oh, lookie, we're here already!" she added, looking around; certainly enough, they were now standing in Cheydinhal, though Blanche could swear they hadn't walked more than fifty meters. This Mary Sue was a creature to be reckoned with, for certain.
And now was the time to flee, while she was occupied.
"Yeah… well… as much as I'd like to stay, I kind of need to get going right now." Blanche gushed out, already turning on her heel. Before I puke.
"Okay! Oh, wait, I didn't even ask your name!" Mary remembered, slipping from her happy-go-lucky persona for a moment. She seemed a bit ashamed, but she shrugged it off after a millisecond.
"That you didn't." Blanche confirmed, still walking away without turning.
Mary gave a twittering laugh. "Silly me! So what's your name?" She really wanted to make friends, especially the normal kind, if she was staying with Lucien. And befriending Lucien's friends was in her best interest, aside from being a generally nice thing.
Blanche thought for a moment or two, but then decided to give her a name, for kicks and giggles. "Elizabeth Bennet." she said, rather hoping that Mary would realize too late what name she had received.
Unfortunately, Mary's creator might have heard about Pride and Prejudice, but certainly hadn't read it or bothered to find out who the main characters were. And so… "Okay! See you, Lizzie!"
"Jeanne Frasoric, I believe I've found you a soulmate." Blanche muttered to herself once out of earshot before heading in the general direction of the town's gates.
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Fort Farragut was a generally unpleasant ruin of a fortress that effectively made a statement. That being: 'If you don't have business here, bugger off!'
Blanche did have business there, so she ignored the statement, though whether the fort was upset or not was questionable. Its skeletal guardians certainly were, because it meant they didn't have anyone or anything to beat to a pulp that day and so they let her pass. She descended into the private sanctuary via the ladder anyway.
"Honey, I'm home!" she couldn't help calling in a solid imitation of Mary's squeaky voice upon seeing that someone was already there. Sure enough, a very disgruntled and somewhat twitchy Lucien Lachance practically materialized out of the shadows, apparently two steps away from a heart attack.
"Blanche…!" he growled, glaring daggers at the petite woman, who was fortunate not to see it. She was almost doubled over laughing, despite knowing that it wasn't in her health's best interests to spook someone like him like this. but he owed her for not calling him darling Lulukins.
"You should have seen your face!" she managed to get out in-between giggles.
"Good one, good one! But don't do it again. M'aiq has only one of each of his vital organs." the Khajiit she had met before added from above a pile of notes and ancient Sue-hunting equipment. Blanche shot him a smile before raising her hands in a defensive gesture as a distinctly unamused Speaker took a step towards her, looking rather as if he wanted to wring her neck for that one.
"Okay, okay! I wanted to cheer myself up after the traumatic experience of meeting your girlfriend on the way here."
That stopped him, if only briefly. He could almost sympathize with her after she had been forced to endure that traumatic experience. "You've met her now?"
Blanche nodded, grimacing. "Yes. I wonder why you don't just kill her yourself, though. She wouldn't be able to stop her darling Lulukins." she emphasized, but this time, Lachance only shuddered from head to toe, looking rather as if he had been hit with one too many shock spells.
"M'aiq thinks that should be our last resort." the robe-clad Khajiit added, going through a book written in a script Blanche couldn't understand. "Exposure to the powers of Su might be too much even for a Dark Brotherhood Speaker."
"I really don't fancy becoming one of those… love interests." Lucien managed to get out, cringing a bit again. He had to sit down before he got sick, leaving the stacks of books and notes on fanfiction and Mary Sue to the rather mismatched pair.
"That's nice, but it doesn't solve our – your – problem. Do you have something?" Blanche asked, seeing that the Khajiit was writing something more down.
"M'aiq has a plan. He'll exchange it for a Colovian Fur Helmet…" Both Blanche and Lucien sent him death glares, almost equally effective. M'aiq still rather thought that the love-triangle melodrama might have worked. In any case, he grinned. "M'aiq is a liar, remember?"
"Now, then." Blanche urged, waiting for him to begin.
"The plan is as simple as impossibility. We must separate Mary Sue from essential characters before sending the Anti Sue after her. Give her something to occupy her attention. Mary Sue loves heroic quests." M'aiq noted, speaking from experience. Most Sues just couldn't resist going on a treasure hunt, rescuing someone or being generally self-righteously righteous twits. Their airhead nature only helped this.
"We've run out of assignments by now." Blanche noted glumly. Ocheeva had said as much before descending into the depths of despair. Mary had cleared them right out "There isn't anything left."&
"Yes there is." The two others glanced at Lucien, who spoke up at last. His face was ashen, but determined as well. He looked like a man ready for one last gambit before accepting suicide as the only solution. "I have need of a new Silencer… and the beast is certainly powerful enough to deal with the tasks. If I contact her through dead drops only, she'll have no chance of encountering any of us."
"She might still seek out those at the Sanctuary." Blanche objected. She didn't really like this plan. However, M'aiq didn't voice any objections yet.
Lucien nodded, as if to say he had thought of that. "The Purification." he said firmly. That way, the others could leave the story unfazed.
"What?" Blanche blinked. She knew the name, but didn't think it was still performed. It never seemed to help them. "I thought that got crossed out of Brotherhood acting policy years ago."
"She doesn't know." Lachance insisted, quite certain of it. "And if we use Languorwine, everything will work out."
"Famous last words." Blanche and M'aiq muttered at the same time, but agreed.