The long-awaited update took this long purely because I had absolutely no inspiration for this fanfic, therefore I couldn't really see where it was going, even though I know how it ends. So, without further ado… here it is!

o.O.o

Double, double toil and trouble

o.O.o

If you thought Mary was an awesome heroine before, you should see her as a Silencer. Truly, her work was without a single flaw, how she used her trusty cheat codes and console to place herself directly next to her victim whenever she could. She also did the same with the Dead Drops; after all, time was wasting. Precious time that she could be spending as Lucien's wife.

Her ample bosom heaved with pleasure as she remembered the source of her joy with a heartfelt sigh and a gentle tremble of her fake eyelashes. Her mind was now becoming aware of the enormity of her decision – getting all the articles necessary for a grand wedding worthy of her would be most difficult. Then the guest list and finding a suitable place to hold the great ceremony…

Her life was filled with such hardship.

In any case, she immediately noticed the highly unsubtle changes in the nature of the dead drops with her Sherlock Holmes-esque magnifying glass. Actually, it was Mr. Fuzzems who noticed first, as the third parchment tasted rather differently from the first two – the bunny had a habit of eating the orders that weren't needed anymore – but it was Mary who gasped prettily and made the ultimate connection.

It had to be the traitor!

Le gasp!

Of course, Mary was used to having people stalking her for various reasons, but this was one of the very few times when it was apparently coming in useful. Usually, stalkers were a nuisance, but this time, she was practically being handed a plot-point on a silver platter. Most of the time, even she had to work harder for things.

Therefore, it had to be a trick. This was far too simple to be anything but a trap.

Mary pondered the matter for a little while, her expression one of unending wisdom. This guy was far more than a simple villain – he knew her tactics and her way of thinking. Obviously, she needed help. And didn't darling Lukukins advise her that her Sanctuary-mates would always advise her in her time of need?

Thus she steered Shadowmere back to Cheydinhal while leaving Mr. Fuzzems to keep the traitor off her back while she deviated from her predestined course. It was the perfect diversion!

Mr. Fuzzems, for his part, decided to follow the storyline as pre-scripted. It was the simplest way to deal with things, in his opinion.

She was a bit bashful about returning to Lucien without having completed her task entirely, but such was life. She couldn't be perfect, after all. It was her single failing thus far.

In the meantime, while Mary had been out adventuring, the Oblivion crisis had progressed somewhat. Gates were opening throughout Cyrodiil and Bruma was already calling for aid from its sister cities. And as the Hero of Kvatch was merely a single person without the aid of teleportation or Sue-ism on their side, they were still only on their way to Anvil in terms of closing gates.

Thus Mary came upon the Cheydinhal gate, where a particularly grumpy and crafty bunch of guards was keeping the local Daedra at bay by fighting as cowardly as possible and reading bad poetry out loud.

Needless to say, Mary made quick work of the monsters with her trusty blow-dryer and, with a brilliant smile, marched up to what seemed to be the leader of the surviving Legion soldiers.

She cleared her crystal throat gently to make her presence known and spoke in a highly theatrical voice. "Pray tell me, what is happening here, good sir?"

The aging lieutenant, for his part, didn't really see the difference between the Daedra and this creature at first, but it spoke to him, so it had to be human… ish. Or something. Either way, it wasn't attacking, which meant it was likely on their side.

"This damned Oblivion gate opened a few hours ago, spouting Daedra all over the plains!" he grumbled. He, along with all the remaining soldiers were at least slightly wounded, sweating horribly in their heavy armor and almost unable to stand. Needless to say, they were protected from being enthralled with the ancient Powers of Su.

"No kidding… this thing is damned ugly, completely ruining the scenery!" Mary chirped, wrinkling her wrinkle-les nose at the obviously evil architecture of the gate, which was still spouting the scent of sulfur by the minute. "And those jagged rocks all around…sooo not right for this town."

The lieutenant rolled his eyes in the general direction of the gate. "Tell me about it!" he grumbled, "But worst of all, Count Indaris´ son Farwil and his bunch of would-be knights dashed right into the damned gate to close it!"

Mary gasped prettily at such bravery. "Oooh, sounds brave and scary!"

"You don't know the half of it! The only reason the so-called Knights of the Thorn know one end of the sword from the other is because they had accidentally pricked themselves! They'll get killed for sure and then…" the lieutenant shuddered – even entertaining such thoughts was horrid! "then we'll have to go in!"

Such a fate was doubtless worthy of pity. "How horrible it is to be a redshirt." the genre-savvy Mary sighed, trying to sympathize with their plight. Of course, she could die too, but only in an over-dramatic fashion when the plot required it. Redshirts died pretty much without as much as a moment's notice or concern.

"Yeah…" Now that he had a good luck at her, she seemed to be heavily armed… and reckless enough to be tricked into stupidity. And since Farwil and the others were doomed anyway, might as well blame it on someone else. "Unless of course, some random heroic adventurer decides to risk their life by charging recklessly into danger for the good of us all and close the Oblivion gate from the inside while keeping Farwil, a non-essential NPC known for dashing straight into danger without any combat ability, safe from harm and alive." he rambled very quickly, hoping that the half-baked plot would work.

"But if he's a non-essential NPC, what's the reason for saving him?" Mary quipped after thinking about it for a while. "I mean, besides the fact that I'm totally not supposed to be the Champion of Cyrodiil in this particular story but will get all the glory anyway."

Damn, damn, damn! "A nice leveled item from the Count and a warm fuzzy feeling of satisfaction?" the lieutenant suggested weakly, fully expecting a refusal now. perhaps she'd only laugh in his face for this. where were all the reckless idiots going under and alias of heroes when one needed them?!

However, Mary's fair face brightened up so much that it was painful to look into it. "Okay, I'll do it!"

And with that, she charged straight into the gate, leaving the dumbstruck soldiers there, with the lieutenant shaking his head and commenting on the situation with a single word once he recovered from his shock.

"Sucker."

o.O.o

The ritual apparently consisted of a highly-sophisticated procedure requiring many devices and ingredients. Amongst them were a voodoo doll quite distinctly resembling a Barbie, candles enough for a minor bonfire, various occult items, Skittles, rose-scented incense, snicks, snails and puppy dog tails. There were many other things that were simply beyond description in the pile.

Lucien was sulking in the corner, glaring whenever either of his companions brought forth another ingredient to add to the pile. Eventually, Blanche gave up and left things to the Khajiit while she tried to examine the remains of Mary's presence through magical means, though without much success. Apparently, the powers of Su were simply beyond even magical comprehension.

Finally, hours later, they got to the end of the item list. M'aiq brought the final piece needed and laid it out in front of the ingredient pile. It was an ouija board.

"Is that everything?" Lucien finally asked when the other two stopped running around the underground chamber and seemed to be ready for the ritual at long last.

Blanche wiped her forehead with the back of her right hand, mostly to get the stray hair out of her face. After hours of running around, all of them were looking somewhat worse for the wear. "I sure hope so – sing-song potion ingredients are a pain to get. You owe me for this."

The Speaker raised an eyebrow; he still remembered their interrupted glaring contest from the previous chapter with some venom. "You're still alive; that ought to be reward enough."

"M'aiq, how about it?" Blanche decided to be diplomatic about things by turning around to the Khajiit. It was probably all for the best. "Do we have all you need?"

The Khajiit, now seated in a rickety rocking chair that he had asked Blanche to conjure up for him (which she had done with some confusion and just a twitch of amusement), strategically moving his tail out of the way each time the chair moved in either way, nodded. He was also holding a book which looked rather like a cross between the Grimmerie and the Grimm Brother's Fairy Tales.

"M'aiq thinks so. All that is left is a piece of Mary Sue herself."

"Will this do?" Blanche held up one of the many pieces of embroidered lacy underwear from the red salon with a stick. She didn't really want to touch it herself, because it might contain some disease. Or, more likely, it would simply cause her to shudder by imagining the horrible sex-scene they had been expecting in the last chapter.

"Don't bring that revolting thing so close to me!" Lucien jumped out of the way when she accidentally swung the stick far too close to him to his liking.

With a shrug, she tossed the underwear next to the pile of ingredients and then plunged the stick into the pile of underwear, digging through it rather ungraciously. "Pick a color."

M'aiq pointed at the frilliest, most overdone of the undergarments in the pile.

"This should be Sue-like… Sue-ish…"

"Sue-tiful?" Blanche suggested, receiving two deadpan stares in return. "Nevermind." she mumbled.

"In any case, we should start the ritual before something gets in the way." Lachance suggested finally, though he refused to get up from his spot in the corner. This was best left to the pros. "Sues have a way of ruining plans."

Both others nodded and M'aiq finally took the lead in the strange ritual.

"Agreed. What do we do now."

o.O.o

Meanwhile, Mary was dusting her immaculate pink Xena the Warrior Princess outfit and observing the plane of Oblivion. It wasn't exactly the best scenery and she was forced to make her outfit crimson to match the background, but at least it was warm.

It actually reminded her of a sauna, where she might get a tan as well. there wasn't really any need for it, as her skin was as immaculate as ever, but it certainly would be a nice thing to have. Now if only she could find a good nail studio as well…

"Well, at least the door matches the décor here… though I still think the goth-punk style is sooo nineties." she noted with a shrug.

As there was no nail studio in sight, Mary decided that she might as well proceed with her heroic quest to save the knights from the Daedra and close the Oblivion gate. It was an overly long detour from her previous course, but she simply couldn't resist the call of those in need. It was in her nature.

She began her heroic descent down the mountain by bouncing around on a pogo-stick she had summoned especially for this purpose. It was actually kind of fun and in honor of Mr. Fuzzems, since there was no one else to jump around merrily, so much that she forgot to go into hero mode for a little while. So it was no surprise that she managed to pogo straight into a gang of clannfears, breaking the skull of their ringleader purely by accident. By the time she noticed that she ought not simply jump around anymore, a very un-heroic war-cry sounded from not too far away.

"Fear not, fair lady! We shall save you! Huzzah!"

And with that, the decidedly un-heroic Knights of the Thorn appeared, ready to ride to the maiden's rescue with dull swords that they waggled around rather pathetically, attempting flashy moves that seem to miss each of the clannfears. It helped, though, that most of them seemed to already have concussions due to Mary's excessive pogo-ing, and thus, after a few dozen swings, even Farwil Indaris had to hit at least one of his enemies.

The one other remaining Knight of the Thorn was rather disgruntled in the imitation of his lord, swinging his weapon only half-heartedly, especially considering the overly-enthusiastic berserker rage his companion was displaying.

After about ten minutes of arduous fighting, the clannfears and a stray scamp (who had only come down to play tag and hopscotch) were no more and Farwil struck a very corny victory pose while sheathing his blade clumsily.

Surprisingly, Mary clapped enthusiastically. "Wow, that was actually high on the coolness scale!" Plus, the Dunmer was rather cute, despite the fact that she was engaged. She could still notice these things, no? "Who are you guys?"

The Dunmer gave an exaggerated bow, obviously very eager to make an introduction now that he had an enthusiastic audience. "We, dear lady, are the Knights of the Thorn, sworn to protect the weak and the innocent… young ladies such as yourself definitely qualify." he said, kissing her hand very theatrically. "We have journeyed deep into the bowels of Oblivion to drive back the beastly beasts that have invaded our fair city! Might I ask what brings you into this beastly realm?"

Mary shrugged – she didn't know herself. The leveled items were nice, but she rather thought she was being too nice this time. "They said I'd get cookies if I do this sidequest. Besides, that gate is plain ugly."

"You share our quest, then!" Farwil seemed to instantly perk up, bowing again and speaking the moment his comrade seemed to wish to object. "Would you do us the honor of joining our crusade, milady? You seem to be an adventurer of merit and we couldn't leave such a beautiful lady in distress anyway…"

The Sue scratched her chin thoughtfully, reminiscent of a wise sage. "Hmm… well, since Mr. Fuzzems is on a mission now, I kinda do need sidekicks… and I think I like the way you think."

"Then you'll join us?"

With a mischievous grin, she nodded easily. "Sure, why not?"

o.O.o

As the proceedings of the ritual to summon the Anti Sue are copyrighted to her offices, the author cannot give any details to its contents here. However, the results quite made up for everything that the readers are forced to miss out on.

"I was in the middle of a Black Bow Bandit hunt, ya know." Their summoned avatar of the Anti Sue grumbled, folding her arms in a quite disgruntled manner. She rather objected to sudden teleportation when she was in the middle of bandit-hunting and so close to getting to their encampment.

Blanche gave the Orc a tight smile. She didn't volunteer for this task, but since M'aiq possessed a cheeky wit that wasn't very friendly and Lucien was downright intimidating, explaining the situation before their armored and axe-wielding guest got out of control fell to her by default. "We apologize for this, but this is a matter of some urgency."

"All right, all right, I get what you want me to do… but you know, it's kind of weird that you'd ask me." The explanation offered was rather loony, but then again, so was the combination of a Khajiit going through an ancient-looking book that seemed ready to fall apart, a Breton witch who would clearly prefer to be elsewhere right now and an assassin of the Dark Brotherhood.

In short, after seeing this, Mazoga was more inclined to believe the bizarre tale the mage had recounted to her.

"Why not?" Blanche challenged, shrugging. "You're a knight, aren't you? Of the… White Stallion, I believe, is the order in Leyawiin." They had gone through introductions as well, after Mazoga had been persuaded that she was indeed outnumbered now. besides, the Khajiit was muttering something about a fishy stick. The Orc was a bit edgy because of that.

"Yeah, but that means I just hafta obey assignments from my lord, Count Caro. But anyway, my point is that arranging a hit is more within Dark Brotherhood territory than knight business."

"Oh, we tried, believe me." Lachance, who had been leaning against the wall in his usual ominous manner, assured her readily. "Even if we sent every member after the creature, I believe she'd come out on top."

Mazoga couldn't help feeling intrigued. This sounded like a challenge worthy of a knight! "That's serious then. What makes you think I can take her, though?"

"Well, the ritual summoned you, didn't it?" the Speaker noted off-handedly, though there wasn't much conviction in his voice anymore. Perhaps he was inwardly starting to succumb to some degree of despair, though he did a good job of hiding it. "It's insane and random enough to be proof enough for me."

"Besides, you certainly look like an Anti-Sue to me." Blanche added in an attempt at encouragement.

"And what's that supposed to mean?!" One which was completely misplaced.

However, the Breton didn't lose her composure and began counting the facts on her fingers, to better demonstrate her point. "Well, your hair doesn't change color every minute or so, your eyes aren't sparkling or anything of the sort, according to what you told me, your quest took years and, well, you don't act all cutesy or faux-noble, so I think we're clear on the matter."

Mazoga glared, though the defeat in the gesture was enough to take away the fright anyone might have felt because of that. "You're either very nice or very cheeky, lady. Be glad I can't decide which it is right now."

"Enough of this." Lucien stepped in once again, glaring hard at the Orc. He didn't really think she could take Mary, but he was prepared to try this. "The creature is a threat not only to us but the whole of Cyrodiil. As a knight, this should fall under your duties. Sooner or later, you'd be obliged to hunt her down."

"You know, speaking of duties, you'd definitely be on the wanted list…"

"Mary Sue is enough of a menace for everyone in Tamriel to unite against her." Blanche jumped in before Mazoga could remember the highly sharp axe she still had with her. "That comes before all else."

The Orc scoffed, folding her arms. "So you want me to hunt her down and kill her?"

"M'aiq doesn't think Mary Sue can be killed, not even by an Anti Sue." The Khajiit finally closed his book, glancing at them all, one after the other. "Mary should be driven back into the Seas of Bad Fanfiction, away from this realm. M'aiq doesn't think anyone can do more."

"So what do we do?"

"Let's continue with the traitor hoax." Lachance decided, looking back at Blanche. "You know what happens if a Listener is killed, right?"

That didn't seem like the best of plans to the Breton, though, who gave a rather anxious look. "The Night Mother won't take offense to that?"

There were exceptions to every rule. There had to be, Lachance reasoned. "I believe she'll forgive this single transgression. I'll try to organize this with the others; you go find and corner her."

"No, no, no, no; you go find her." Blanche immediately objected. If she could help it, she didn't want to meet that damned creature ever again in her lifetime. "I'll find the rest of the Black Hand; you go get Mary Sue – Mazoga can go with you as insurance." There was a long silence while Lachance glowered at her murderously, but this time, Blanche was determined not to be swayed. "Well, aren't you her true love and all that?" she challenged.

There was another long silence, during which Lachance tried to find some kind of loophole in this reasoning.

"I hate it when you have a point." he conceded finally, completely disgruntled.

Blanche stuck out her tongue rather immaturely, due to pure relief. "I know."

"I'm beginning to think Tamriel would be a better place without you people as well." Mazoga muttered, but no one listened to her.