A/N: Aaah a million months later, and here I am updating. School year's done - so I might be able to tend to this more during the summer time. Ah - who am I kidding? I'll probably slack just as much as I am now. This chapter is a bit longer in order to make up for my lack of updating. Thank you to anyone who is still reading this. I can't thank you reviewers enough. I read every single review a million times, and I am sorry that I haven't gotten back with all of you. Your thoughts, opinions, and feedback help more than you know. :)
Disclaimer: It's been a while since I've included a disclaimer, so this is a friendly reminder that I still own nothing but the computer I'm writing this on. Thank you. :)
Chapter 8: Why Spies Don't Wear Petticoats
Zelda entered the mess hall one morning to grab some breakfast for the trio. It promised to be a particularly busy next few days since they were preparing to embark on their next Romance Reconnaissance. Or that's what Samus called them, anyway. Unfortunately, there was a minor discrepancy regarding who to go after next.
Peach was insisting that they see if Samus and Captain Falcon were an item, despite Samus' incredibly vehement objections. Samus, on the other hand, thought the Wolf and Fox pairing was a good possibility to look into. With the other two women arguing nonstop, Zelda had quietly removed herself from the room before it got violent.
Zelda's quest for food was interrupted by the sight of nearly every Smasher gathered around a small piece of paper posted on a mess hall wall. Curious, Zelda approached Falco, who was standing calmly at the back of the group.
"What's all the fuss?" she asked him.
"Master Hand just posted the Doubles Tourney bracket," he said, absentmindedly twirling his blaster. "Everyone's got their panties in a bunch seeing who they're paired with and who they're fighting."
Zelda felt a small jolt run through her. Smasher Month. In her enamorment with the Romance Reconnaissances, she had completely forgotten about the upcoming celebration of the Smashers' year in the mansion. It always kicked off with the week-long Doubles Tourney. Then various competitions such as Break the Targets, a Home Run Contest, Race to the Finish, a Battle of the Top Tiers, and an Endurance Survival Contest were peppered throughout the month. The Smasher Month's grand finale and main event was the famous end-of-the-year, double-elimination tournament.
"Don't you have something of a title to defend, Princess?" Falco asked slyly.
Zelda (posing as Shiek) had defeated Falco for the third place title last year and had also won the Woman of the Tournament award. She knew she wasn't nearly as in-shape this year and dreaded facing her vengeful friend.
Suddenly, Fox pushed through to crowd to join them. The typically cheerful pilot looked livid.
"Yoshi," he spat. "I'm paired with flippin' Yoshi."
Falco exhaled loudly. "Well better you than me, right, mate?" he chided while punching Fox playfully on the shoulder.
"That's not even the worst of it," Fox said through gritted fangs. "We're slated against Snake and Marth in the first round. What happened to random pair selection!?"
"They might...not have good team chemistry," Zelda said in a lame attempt to reassure Fox.
Falco and Fox stared at her.
"I am the damn reigning tournament champion, and I get rewarded with a worthless dinosaur partner and a huge middle finger in terms of bracket placement. Hoo-ray," Fox seethed. "Well, better go practice my team chemistry. If you need me, I'll be prancing around shooting eggs out of my ass."
He left, and Falco chuckled as Zelda looked around to watch the others react to their pairings. Lucas and the Ice Climbers were jumping up and down in each other's arms. Link and Ganondorf looked equal parts shocked and uncomfortable. Lucario looked rather annoyed as Pit gushed about how excited he was to be teammates.
"Looks like the mob has cleared out," Falco said and made a grand sweeping motion towards Zelda. "Shall we, Princess?"
Zelda approached the poster anxiously, trying to read it from far away. Naturally, Falco's impeccable bird vision saw it first.
"Wario," he muttered. "Huh. That'll be interesting. Princess, looks like you're matched with Mr. Game & Watch."
Zelda exhaled her relief; he was a good brawler when he wanted to be. She scanned the bracket to see who she had to fight in the first round. Samus and Captain Falcon. Wonderful. Peach was going to have a field day with this. She hurried back to Samus' room to tell her friends the news.
.....
"You failed to pick up breakfast on your breakfast mission?" Samus snapped when Zelda burst back in the room empty-handed. She was always a bit testy before her morning coffee. Scratch that. She was always a bit testy.
"The Doubles Tourney bracket has been posted!" Zelda announced, ignoring Samus' sulking.
Samus bolted out of her chair, "Shit! I completely forgot about Smasher Month!"
As she continued to rant and rave about her lack of training and preparation, Peach turned towards Zelda and pleasantly asked who everyone's partners were.
"I'm with Mr. Game & Watch. You're with Pikachu," She hesitated and added hurriedly. "Aaaand SamusiswithCaptainFalcon."
Two very different things happened at once. Samus spun on her heel and gaped as Peach jumped up and clapped in delight.
"What the hell?"
"Oh that's so lovely! What a perfect way to develop your relationship!" Peach squealed.
"Peach...for the trillionth time...there IS. NO. RELATIONSHIP!" Samus said, disgust dripping with every word. "Just because we're 0-and-3 with this fan fiction bologna doesn't mean you're striking gold with this...this...delusion!"
Peach smiled smugly and straightened her dress, "Okay, Samus. Whatever you say."
Zelda cleared her throat and made an attempt to cut the tension, "Did we ever agree on our next targets?"
"I say we cut the crap and go for one of the big guns," Samus said. "Wolf and Fox. Marth and Ike. One of those."
"I suggest we stay away from the 'slash pairings,'" Peach said. "That's very testy ground, as you two should recall from personal experience."
Zelda blushed deeply as Samus looked mildly disgusted.
"That's a good point, Peach," Zelda said. "But think of all of the females in the mansion. It's no secret that Link and I are close. We're not romantically involved, but maybe someday, if he ever gets the nerve about him. I swear he's so dense sometimes. Maybe he's partially brain damaged after having to listen to that cursed fairy nagging at him constantly. On the other hand, he's probably slightly intimidated. But Father always said he didn't care who I married as long -"
She stopped. She didn't realize she had been thinking out loud. Peach patted her knee in support.
"I know what you mean," she sighed. "At least Link is the 'Hero of Time.' I've got a plumber. Not exactly a royal title."
"And I am involved with no one here," Samus continued, shooting Peach a dagger-eyed look. "I don't think Jigglypuff has any reproductive organs. I mean, she's a head with tiny arms and legs. Nana is like 9 years old, so I am guessing she doesn't have an interest in boys yet. I'm not sure what Pikachu is, but I'm going with male. So that pretty much eliminates female involvement. I don't think we have a choice but to go with male slash pairings."
Peach rubbed her chin thoughtfully, "Are there really only fives females in the mansion? Wow. No wonder these men are going after each other."
......
Zelda found it incredibly difficult to set up training times with a 2-D figure that couldn't communicate beyond a series of "Beeps" and "Boops."
"When are you free this week?" she asked him, a long-plumed feathered ink pen poised in her hand.
Mr. Game & Watch lifted a flag with the number "3" on it.
"Three? Third day of the week? Are you saying that you're free Tuesday?" Zelda asked.
"Beep boop," said Mr. Game & Watch.
"Is...is that a 'yes' or a 'no'?" Zelda mused.
Suddenly, Peach ran into the room, causing Zelda to jump and spill her inkwell all over the calendar.
"ZELDA! I have breaking news!" Peach screeched. "Oh toadstools, you're busy. Can I have a private moment, Mr. Game & Watch?"
The black figure made its way - in his awkward sort of walk - over to the window, opened his parachute, and jumped out.
"Well, that's a bit drastic," Peach said, staring after him.
"Oh, he's been doing that all day," Zelda reassured. "He's an odd little fellow."
Peach continued to stare.
"Your news...?" Zelda led.
"Oh yes!" she exclaimed. "We might have a lead! I was brushing my hair in front of my vanity today, and somewhere around brush count number 319, I heard males talking outside of my room. Typically, I don't stop until I get to 500, but their hushed voices drew my curiosity, and I leaned closer to my door."
She began to pace in excitement and continued, "I discovered it was Ike and Snake talking. I could only catch every few phrases, but I heard something about 'a big surprise planned for someone special' and something about getting Ganondorf 'out of the way' for the night so it could be 'perfect.'"
Peach stopped and smiled expectantly at Zelda.
"Peach, forgive me, but I am not following you," Zelda said.
Peach sat down in exasperation, "Ganondorf is Ike's roommate! Ike wants to do something surprising for someone special to him and wants to do it without Ganondorf around. This probably means Ike wants to do something romantic! With Marth!"
"Wait...where does Marth come into this equation?" Zelda asked.
"Snake is Marth's Doubles' teammate! What better than to ask the advice of someone who will be spending nearly all of his time this next week with Marth?" Peach gushed.
Zelda thought about it for a second.
"You know, Peach, I feared that all of your theories were beginning to get a bit far-fetched, but this might actually have some root in truth," she said.
Peach smiled even wider, "Let Operation Boylove begin!" she declared and pumped a fist in the air. "And...let's...let's kick some ass!"
Zelda stared at her fellow princess.
"Was that your attempt at sounding like Samus?" Zelda asked.
"Yes," Peach said sheepishly.
"I do not claim to be an expert in the field, but I think naming our mission about uncovering a male-on-male relationship 'Operation Boylove' may negate the entire purpose of a code name," Zelda said.
....
"Is the hallway clear?" Samus asked.
"I'll double-check," Zelda said, and shot a Din's Fire blast down the length of the corridor. "Well, no screams of pain. We're clear."
"Great, you might want to change now," Samus said, taking one last look over her shoulder.
In a flash, Zelda became her bemasked, athletic Shiek form.
"I never understand where your other clothes go," Samus muttered, as she climbed onto the step Zelda made with her hands . "Mine just fall by the wayside for everyone to see and mess with. I mean people literally use pieces of my armor as weapons in battle. How sick."
Zelda lifted Samus into the air, and the bounty hunter shifted a ceiling vent out of the way. Then she expertly flipped up into the air duct. Moments later, she extended a hand and pulled the princess up with her.
"Phew, not much room up here," Samus whispered, as the two struggled to adjust. "Do you have the map?"
Zelda nodded and whipped out an elaborately drawn sketch of the air duct path to Ike's room.
The two shimmied down the dark, narrow passage.
"Can you slow down, Samus?" Zelda murmured. "I can't read the map without the glow of your zero suit."
"We probably should have thought to bring flashlights so we didn't have to read by suit light!" Samus snapped.
"Shhh, I think we're here!" Zelda whispered.
They peered over the edge of the cracks in the vent to see Ike pacing around his room, twirling a pen around in his hand. On his desk lie half a dozen crumpled up pieces of paper. He seemed to be thinking aloud what he wanted to write.
"Your presence is most necessary in order for this beautiful relationship to rekindle once again. It's been far too long, and you and I both know this. We must keep this secret; not everyone will welcome this union...No, no...that sounds dumb," Ike muttered. "How about, 'For your safety, please keep this secret.' No, I don't want to sound threatening. And how do I even address it? 'Dearest and most royal - '"
Suddenly, the entire vent jerked violently, and Samus and Zelda braced themselves. After another shake, the two whipped around to see Peach a few yards down, her generous number of petticoats proving too wide to fit through the narrow vent walls.
"What the hell are you doing here!?" Samus hissed.
"I'm stuck!" Peach snapped back, again trying to squirm through but gaining no ground.
"Well maybe if you didn't dress like a Victorian harlot this wouldn't be an issue," Samus countered.
Zelda crawled over to the other princess and began to tug on her. As they both grunted and struggled, Samus sat back and rolled her eyes, "Oh yes. This just screams 'stealth.' I hope Ike doesn't notice his AIR DUCTS SEIZURING."
With one final pull, Peach flew out of her dress and came crashing into Zelda, who smacked into Samus. All three came tumbling down into Ike's room. The former mercenary stared as the trio of scantily-clad women struggled to untangle themselves from his bedroom floor.
"Aaaand that concludes 'Follow the Leader' for today!" Samus said quickly. "Let's go!"
Peach, who was down to her bloomers and bodice, was the first to sprint out of the room in embarrassment. The other two were hot on her trail. Ike's mouth continued to gape open as Peach's discarded pink dress slipped over the edge of the vent and fell on his head.
....
The scene unfolding in Samus' room was not unlike the classic good-cop/bad-cop interrogation sequences in movies. Peach squirmed in a chair, while Samus circled her like a hawk. Zelda was leaning against a wall, pretending to examine her meticulous nails.
"Enlighten me," Samus growled, her voice cracking like her beloved whip. "What the hell were you doing?"
"I thought these investigations were a team effort," Peach defended. "As a member of the team, I felt left out."
Samus nearly lunged at her. "Your poor hurt feelings led us to total exposure! Did it ever cross your simple mind that we didn't tell you for a reason?"
"Don't you dare call me simple!" Peach retorted, turning pink. "Silly me to think that none of us would have secrets from each other! If I recall correctly, this entire idea was mine to begin with!"
"That doesn't mean you can waltz around compromising missions at every whim, you -"
"Samus," Zelda interrupted softly, placing a calming hand on the bounty hunter's shoulder. "Peach, the reason we conducted the mission without you is because Samus and I are both highly trained in the art of stealth. We are professionals at remaining unseen and unheard when we want to be. I do not intend to offend you, but you simply are not as learned as we are in this field. The reason we didn't tell you about the mission is because we didn't want you to feel belittled or unworthy."
"Oh," Peach said, suddenly feeling very small. She wrung her hands nervously. "I'm - I'm sorry."
Zelda quickly responded before Samus could erupt again, "It's alright. I don't think Ike had any idea what we were doing. He has no reason to suspect we're spying on him. We just have to be extra careful from now on."
"Yes, I understand," Peach mumbled and looked up pleadingly. "Samus, can you forgive me?"
Samus seemed to struggle for a bit before nodding curtly, "Yeah. How did you get up there anyway?"
Peach smiled sheepishly and whipped out her parasol, "This thing does wonders."
...
A/N: Okay, so I decided to make this mission two chapters. What's Ike up to? Hmmm. I PROMISE I will update more frequently than I have been. Reviews are an author's nectar of life. Thank you all :)