The final chapter is here! Read and review, please! Warning: mini-spoilers for White and Black, my other Oblivion story starring Blanche, but only small ones that will not, in any way, affect your reading pleasure!
o.O.o
The End of the Craziness… we hope
o.O.o
For purposes of his own, M'aiq had abstained from taking part in the previous chapter, but apparently almost got arrested for torturing the wildlife in the Skingrad zoo and decided that if he had to choose between helping the Hero of Kvatch by giving cryptic snarky hints and sticking with now-plot-relevant characters, the latter was definitely the way to go. Since the zoo was now unavailable, of course.
In any case, our four secondary heroes---
…
No, no, wait, really. Not even a Mary Sue writing author could possibly consider any of those four – er, five, counting Mr. Fuzzems – heroes, right? Ragtag bunch of misfits isn't really accurate, so… eh, an Orc knight, a Khajiit Mary Sue Hunter, a Breton mage OC and a fan-idolized Imperial assassin walk into a bar…
This description really isn't going well, is it?
Well, whatever they could be called together, they all made their way to the one place where they should be relatively safe; that being the square in Bravil where the Lucky Old Lady statue stood. For those of you who haven't gotten this far in the game, here be teh spoilarz!!!
Notice how wonderfully this fanfic avoids a certain heart-wrenching, soul-splitting terrible occurrence of DOOM from ever occ—happening!
Sniff sniff.
Oh, and somewhere along the way, the Black Hand and Mary met up and she got made Speaker in Lucien's place, not listening to the part where they explained that they were actually out to kill Lucien. She was only excited about the fact that she would meet him again, now of the same rank as him, which made things much easier on both of them.
"Must we really do this?" Blanche muttered as they watched the Black Hand perform the ritual that would open the doorway to the underground crypt. They were hidden behind plastic bushes that M'aiq apparently carried around in his Sue Busters kit and thus practically lying on the ground, much to the confusion and mild amusement of some onlookers going home from the local pub.
"In a small space, even she should be slaughtered easily." Mazoga shot back, determined to meet this challenge. After all, she wasn't going to be outclassed by some teenaged twit from a different universe. She was now rested, had her new Daedric armor on and an axe at the ready.
"No, I mean, can't we just wait till they go in and burry them inside? I bet I could get the temple and nearby houses to cave in just fine…"
"Never assume someone is dead until you stab the body several times." Lachance hissed as he pushed Blanche's blonde head down when it seemed that one of the black-clad figures was looking their way. There was a mad glint dancing in his eyes, so no one dared disagree with him now.
"Mary Sue will never die." M'aiq suggested, a little less cheerfully than usual. He was flipping through a few manuals on banishment of evil, finding Mary Sue right between Satan and the Teletubbies. Out of the foursome, he was the only one who appeared truly unarmed. "M'aiq wouldn't set eyes towards an impossible goal, if he were Love Interest-worthy. A little peace might be the best we can hope for."
"They're in." Mazoga noted readily before either Lachance of Blanche could in any way disrupt their shaky stealth. "We should get going, so that they don't have too much of a head start and get them in the confusion!" She sprang to her feet and marched on, heavy armor clanking.
"We don't have any proof of a traitor, nor do we know which of them it is!" Blanche hissed as Lachance grabbed her by the arm and dragged her towards the trapdoor when she refused to budge from her hiding spot. "Besides, we don't even know where the Seas of Bad Fanfiction might be!"
"Too late now." M'aiq, who was bringing up the rear, muttered. Mr. Fuzzems, who had relocated to his shoulder, simply continued munching on his robe.
Downstairs, the epic final confrontation of the Dark Brotherhood quest had scarcely begun when our anti-villains burst in, ready to have a showdown of Anti Sue vs. Mary Sue that would surely go down in the history of fanfiction as a grand struggle between the forces of good and evil.
However, as they barged in just as Arquen was about to begin her over-dramatic begging to the Night Mother, they rather ruined the mood. Especially when Mary (looking faaaaantaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabulous in her wonderfully midnight-colored silk and lace Black Hand outfit which somehow involved bordello lingerie and made her look like an escapee from a crossover of Catwoman and Moulin Rouge) noticed who was among them.
"Lucien!" she gasped prettily.
In clear terror, Lachance ducked behind the mage he had been pushing down the rickety staircase. "You!"
"Mazoga!" Blanche's eyes bulged and she made frantic hand-motions to notify the Orc that now sounded like a nice time to slay the beast.
"Blanche!" Bellamont, who had an entirely unrequited crush on the mage, exclaimed, glaring daggers at Lachance, who was still holding her in front of himself as a shield.
"Lucien!" Blanche fidgeted, trying to pry her wrists from the grip of steel around them, in vain.
"Cousin?" the other two Speakers – the author couldn't be bothered to look up their names – asked, puzzled.
"Lachance!" Arquen screeched, brandishing her fork and butter knife and ready to jump and get herself some liver.
"Arquen!" Lachance strategically relocated himself and his human shield behind the axe-wielding Mazoga.
"Lizzy!" Mary waved at Blanche pleasantly, a bit puzzled as to why Lulukins would choose to hide behind her, of all people, since she was the skinniest of them. She also didn't get why the other girl didn't wave back and instead tried to kick Lachance from her awkward position.
"Mary!" Farwil Indaris waved from the top of the stairs to the heroin(e) of the story.
"Farwil?" Mary blinked, for once completely unaware how her newest fanboy had arrived here.
"Farwil?!" Most everyone else exclaimed, for different reasons. The scene was beginning to lose any semblance of sense it might have had before.
"Mazoga!" Lucien and Blanche managed to bark out at the same time, to no avail, as the Orc seemed to be staring at something else.
That something else cleared its ghostly throat and thus silenced all of the confusion… temporarily.
"That is quite enough." the Night Mother said, looking distinctly unamused by the proceedings. "You can resolve your romantic octagons in your own time. Now, why are you lot invading my tomb?" she demanded, folding her spectral arms. "Especially you people, who have absolutely no cause to be here." That apparently involved most of the newly-arrived party, Farwil included.
"Oh, most honored Night Mother, unholy matron…" Arquen began her rehearsed speech with newfound gusto, clumsily hiding her cutlery in her sleeves. However, the specter raised her hand imperiously towards the elf.
"Save the sucking up for someone who cares, you're not getting extra invites to the Christmas party." Arquen promptly shut up, but continued to sulk and glare daggers at Lachance and Blanche, one after the other.
Despite her still-stiff position, Blanche blinked and turned to Lachance quizzically. "We have a Christmas party?"
"Ungolim." The Speaker noted laconically, with an eyeroll added for good measure.
"Ah."
Unfortunately, their rather pleasant conversation was interrupted by a gasp, followed by a badly-suppressed squee. Out of all the characters in the room, only one had this down to perfection, but I'll let you guess which one it was. Hint: check the next line.
"Oh, Lucien, I never knew!" Mary gushed out, rather pink in the face. Her hood had long-since fallen, since it wasn't doing good things to her ebony-and-sienna-highlighted-hair.
"What in Oblivion is she talking about?" Mazoga, who was eying her opponent rather warily, whispered to Blanche. The Breton shrugged helplessly, feeling the strong grip on her wrists move to her forearms, to better hold her in place. Her only hope right now was that Mary wouldn't try and hurl herself at her beau, otherwise she would be the one getting crushed.
"To think that I spoiled the surprise like this! I feel so horrible! Oh, woe is me!"
"Is it time for more pointless melodrama?" Farwil asked happily. "Pick me! I can do melodrama!"
"M'aiq thinks she's just speeding things up, actually." the Khajiit noted, studying a book on the final stages of Sue-dominated fanfics. She had skipped the angsting, the lovelorn phase, the uncertainty, and gone straight to…
"To think you began a wedding rehearsal knowing I would show up! How wonderful!"
"What?"
… the delusions of the happily-ever-after.
"But we need more bridesmaids!" Mary cooed, clapping her hands prettily and waving a sparkly wand.
With a poofing sound and a flash of glitter, all the females in the crypt were wearing regency-style dresses of an actually somewhat not entirely distasteful shade of pink with lots of art-nouveau flowers stylized in their hair. The effect was that Arquen looked as if she was that Pokemon that had flowers instead of a head and promptly began tearing down the offending articles with an owl-like screech, Mazoga appeared to be in a state of shock that armor could be rendered pink and the Night Mother looked ready to slaughter them all, despite the fact that her gown was mercifully colorless. The only one who didn't seem to be freaking out in any way was Blanche; not that she could have freaked out if she wanted to, since Lachance was restricting her movement rather effectively. Also, she was the only one who had willingly worn a dress on occasion, so she wasn't… entirely… freaked out by this occurrence. Or it could be the fact that she had resigned herself to this insanity by then.
Whichever soothes your mind.
Mary paid them no heed.
"And obviously we can't have a wedding underground, think of what that would do to the flowers!"
"I think the nightshade is doing relatively well here." Lachance murmured, glancing fondly at the collection of the aforementioned flowers, gory-looking potions and human skulls and other unpleasant things on the nearby grave. He actually liked it down here. Having a mobile human shield wasn't too bad either.
"Mary my lady! Surely you do not intend to marry this… this… person?!" Farwil Indaris spluttered, gesturing in Lachance's general direction, though his eyes were firmly on Mary herself. It seemed, from one angle, that he was suggesting that Mary was going to marry Blanche… or Mazoga. Fortunately, Mary was too perfect to be involved in a yuri fic without any foreshadowing, thus the point was null and void.
Pearly tears sprang to Mary's eyes. By a fortunate coincidence, they served to trip Arquen, who had just launched herself forward in an attempt to skewer Blanche with her fork and hopefully get a bit of Lachance as well.
"I never meant to break your heart, Farwil sweetie!" Delicately, Mary put her hand to her forehead, sighing in a very heartfelt manner. "Alas, yes! I'm not tragic; I was just written that way!"
The pearls also made Lachance yank Blanche away from harm's way – mostly due to self-preservation – and the momentary lack of balance allowed the mage to wrestle her arms free. Immediately, she made a beeline for M'aiq, while Lachance cursed her under his breath and made a move to duck behind the now-almost-recovered Mazoga.
"M'aiq! Where have— Where did you get that?!" Blanche yelped, avoiding the rather large DOOMsday clock M'aiq had now placed near one of the coffins and looking at the gadgets he was getting out. they made no sense, least of all the book through which he began flipping again.
"Is that the priest?" Mary chirped happily, spotting the Khajiit and his book. It seemed that the wedding was making good progress! "Oh, Lulukins, you shouldn't have!" she cooed, looking around for Lachance while Farwil began ranting about his unworthyness and attempted to descend down the stairs while at the same time unsheathe his sword.
"M'aiq was worried this might happen." the Khajiit told Blanche as Mr. Fuzzems hopped off to survey the mayhem. Lachance promptly seized the bunny and proceeded to threaten Farwil with it. "Mary Sue has managed to mess up the canon continuity to the point that a main plotline from our universe got aborted."
"But she was gone for a while now!" Blanche objected, trying to dust her rose-colored dress of the glitter that never went away and now was getting all over the book. "What did she do?"
"I object to this union! It is far too vulgar to proceed! The lady Mary mustn't be united with someone with such a poor fashion sense! Only battle can decide this!"
"But Farwil, he invited his mom here! He loves me! Even Mr. Fuzzems likes this!"
The bunny said nothing, but Lachance was damned if he was going to release the Rabbit of DOOM and sidekickdom for nothing less than total Mary Sue immunity.
"Unhand the rabbit, cur!"
"Clearly you've never seen the Monthy Python movies if you believe threatening someone with a harmless rabbit on their side is a wise course of action, Dunmer." Lachance quipped, hiding quite effectively behind the armor-clad Orc.
"See! Lulukins loves me! You mustn't fight over this!"
"With her ability to promote a character to her love interest, Mary Sue managed to avert a scripted death." M'aiq explained, getting the Oblivion script from his backpack and showing Blanche the events it foretold.
"So…the Black Hand was supposed to catch up with us, right?" Blanche happily ignored the fact that she wasn't included in the script; as far as she knew, her storyline didn't affect it this way. "But because of her…" A terrible thought came to her and her face went chalk-white, just as her nickname would suggest. "Love interests can't die off-screen. They can't die unless…"
"Unless it's a drawn-out fight-slash-jealousy scene at the end where they sacrifice themselves for their supposed One True Love." M'aiq nodded just as the epic battle of Who Can Hide Behind Their Human Shield Better began. Well, Lachance was hiding and Farwil was having trouble sidestepping Mary and her cries. "Breton Girl is rather genre-savvy. M'aiq applauds that."
Mary Poppins, Mary's mom, had appeared in the room somehow and was giving her dearest perfect daughter advice about what song to use to reconcile everyone and lead them to world peace. She disappeared shortly afterwards without any relevance to the plot whatsoever.
"This isn't the way things are supposed to go!" M'aiq and Blanche both looked up to see a rather fed up Mattieu Bellamont standing behind them, reading over their shoulders. "My contract clearly states that I get compensation for not being able to fulfill my life's ambition entirely!" he raged, seething with anger. "I demand plot! I demand-…" He then saw that Blanche's frightened face had been replaced by her I Shall Not Kill But I Will Dismember You If I Must one. "Eh… whoops?" he offered feebly, presenting the girl his least-psychotic smile.
Blanche was promptly creeped out. Now she knew she had had the right idea to follow her intuition and refuse the invite to a family dinner with "him and his mother".
"M'aiq thinks now would be a good time for stabby-stab." Her Khajiit companion suggested pleasantly just as he moved to hide behind the Breton.
"Wha- I can't kill him!" Blanche wailed, "I'm not even supposed to be in this story!"
By then, however, Bellamont was quite fed up with her for not listening to his quasi-romantic stalker declarations of love – how he had picnics planned for the two of them and the rotting head of his deceased mother, how he refused to fall in love with Mary since her name was reminiscent of Maria and how they would die together since they couldn't live together – see the future chapters of White and Black by this author for that scene! He whipped out a hidden dagger, slaughtered his two nearest colleagues whose names the author can't be bothered too look up (they had already resigned on the plot and were having a nice cup of tea, so they probably didn't even notice having died) and promptly tried to throw himself at Blanche and M'aiq, the former of which tried to disentangle herself from the flower garlands that now decorated everything.
Fortunately, a shiny axe and a rather angry Orc ended that dilemma.
"Save your quasi-pacifist characterization for when there's not a guy with a dagger coming at us, willya?!" Mazoga grunted, strutting her stuff. Apparently, she had recovered from her trauma. This, of course, meant that Lachance had now ducked behind the unconscious Arquen and a tombstone.
"Thank you."
"Don't mention it. No, really, don't." Mazoga added when Blanche attempted to say something. "I'd be glad if I thought there was the vaguest possibility of this being a dream."
Blanche settled for magicking her armor back to normal, but before she had the chance to tend to her own attire, she jumped in fright as the Night Mother tapped her shoulder and looked at her as if the situation was all her fault.
"Lisette Lemieux, would you care to explain what, precisely, is the purpose of these uninitiated invading my tomb?" the Dunmer specter demanded, rather ominously. Blanche decided it was best not to ask how the ghost knew her full name or why the author bothered to mention it aside from the clear quasi-trailer-thing for her other Oblivion fanfic, but, in light of who she was speaking with, decided to let things go.
"Eh, plot tumors. You see…"
"So that is the new Silencer?" the Night Mother asked, glancing towards the general mayhem as Blanche fumbled for words. "I was expecting someone…"
"Saner?" Mazoga, unafraid of a ghost (as she didn't know who it was) suggested.
"More realistic?" M'aiq quipped helpfully.
"…taller." The Night Mother decided. "Enough of this."
Arquen, now conscious, raised her arm weakly, trying to get attention back to herself. However, holding a fork ruined the dramatic effect somewhat. "Mother of darkness, we beseech you…!"
"Shut up already, will you?" For good measure, the specter kicked the fallen elf. "Yes, you are into the occult. We understand, but the plot you are following is now redundant. With half of my incompetent Black Hand wiped out and the traitor dead, what's left is to refill the posts and then get back to business. I had a really good speech prepared, but, in light of the circumstances, I think it would be wasted on you lot." she huffed, but still managed to remain dignified. "Now, eenie meenie miney moe, who will be the Liste-… are you even listening to me?!"
"—common low-bred mongrel!" Farwil continued even as Lachance moved to stand with the Night Mother this time. Or, more probably, hide behind her. Making damned certain that he stepped on Arquen's back and Bellamont's neck. What was left of it, anyway. "Milady, you simply cannot waste yourself thus! You're the Emperor's daughter, after all!"
"Why aren't you in the Imperial City then?" Mazoga demanded, resting her hands atop her massive axe.
"Alas, I was a secret from the general public, to be protected and cherished through a tragic backstory!" Mary crooned, sighing, tossing her luminescent iridescent and other words ending with scent to make the author seem more skilled in the art of purple prose over her shoulder dramatically. "But my love is no less true, my hair no less shiny!"
The Orc couldn't take it anymore. She rounded up on Blanche, their de facto leader now.
"Do something!" she demanded.
"I—ah… Mazoga---"
"ˇI'm not going up against that rabbit!" Mr. Fuzzems had now relocated to the floor near Mary and Mazoga was damned if she was going to attack something so innocent looking. It had to be the devil in disguise. "Not on your life!"
M'aiq closed his book and shook his head. This was the time for desperate measures. "There isn't anything else we can do. M'aiq thinks this is the time for plan B."
"We have a plan B?!" Blanche and Mazoga yelled together, ready to pummel him.
"Now we do." ´M'aiq proclaimed, rearranging his face in a business-like manner. "Breton Girl must go and become Grouchy Assassin's Love Interest."
"What?!"
"We are dealing with a Martyr Sue; one that exists to be sympathetic and heroic." He continued on, ignoring the fact that his chosen Love Interest Replacement was practically foaming at the mouth and Mazoga was having a hard time restraining her from trying to claw M'aiq's eyes out. fortunately, Blanche seemed to have forgotten her magic. "Therefore if the two of you act sickeningly lovestruck enough, Mary Sue should act accordingly. M'aiq suggested this before, but maybe now Grouchy Assassin will be more sympathetic to the idea. He seems to like Breton Girl well enough."
Blanche went from furious to anxious to panicky within the span of a few seconds. Personally, Mazoga found the sudden color changes of her face entertaining, but not in this setting.
"But I can't- I mean, there is some foundation to that in our relationship but we aren't –"
"Let me rephrase this for you, Khajiit." The Night Mother, thoroughly fed up with things to the point of having steam come out of her ears, offered graciously. Then, she looked at the Breton with a sickeningly sweet smile, sharp as a razor. "Follow the plan or get demoted to an extra, Blanche."
Blanche winced, as if struck, but she knew the Night Mother would do it, if pressed. Nevertheless, she was determined to go down fighting. "I can't do this even if I wanted to! Don't you see?! I'm an OC and if I take steps towards Sue-dom like this, I might morph into one!"
"M'aiq didn't think of that." the Khajiit admitted. "This…"
Unfortunately, he didn't have the chance to finish his thought, as Mazoga marched over to the perverse love triangle going on in front of them and rounded up on Mary herself.
"Hey, rainbow twerp! You can't romance him, cause he's already got a Love Interest!"
"…has the potential to end badly." M'aiq finished, shaking his head sadly.
A silence fell over the room. Even Mary herself was reduced to speechlessness. She looked from Mazoga to Lucien and back, her coral-like mouth hanging open for a few moments, before she began to understand the situation.
"You mean…?" she trailed off, her voice a melodic whisper.
"Yep, exactly." Mazoga said with a broad grin, grabbing an incoherently spluttering Blanche by the arm and pulling her towards Lachance. She did so in this order due to the fact that while the mage didn't protest to manhandling due to her current state of astonishment, the Speaker might. "Right here." she noted, sending the Breton practically flying towards Lachance, who dodged reflexively.
"I knew it! A badly written love interest!" Arquen, who had managed to stand up, screeched out triumphantly a second before shrieking as Blanche crashed into her, sending her toppling into one of the open coffins. At least the spluttering stopped.
"All this time…" Mary breathed, looking as helpless as a kicked puppy. In fact, she appeared to be close to tears. "This is… this is… wicked!"
"What?" the whole room echoed.
Mary, queen of the pop culture references, quickly came to the rescue.
"Like, this is totally like Wicked the Musical! You know!" she urged, now grinning, though still appearing baffled in a cutesy-poo fashion. "The one with the two witches from the Wizard of Oz, except they're totally BFFs in it and not all icky like in the original book or whatever. The beautiful and popular one dates this really cool boy and the green one's her friend, but in the end, the green girl gets the guy. I… I totally understand!"
"Huh?" became everyone's new favorite word.
"I mean, I… I… really don't know what to say! I'm kinda hurt by this, my heart of glass shattered to a thousand pieces beyond repair, but… but I'm also glad that my One True Love has found his One True Love and will Love her Truly till the end of time!" Mary rambled, looking forlorn and yet strangely triumphant. She was so tragic! So wonderfully interesting and selfless… she could even give up her True Love for another if it meant his happiness! "How can I bear to stand between them? How can I deny them happiness! Oh, Lulukins… it puts a dagger into my very soul to do this, but…" A diamond tear tickled down her cheek beautifully. "If you really love her, then I won't stand in your way!"
"I, ah," Never look a gift horse in the mouth. This was an opportunity to be rid of her forever and Lachance was ready to take everything he could get. "Yes, I'm afraid so. Such a shame, really. But it cannot be helped."
"And you Love him Truly as well, then?" Mary asked Mazoga, rather surprised by the fact that Lucien seemed to be into fanged girls. With snout noses.
"Ah, uh… OW-yes!" It took a bit of… prodding… from Lachance (make that a very sharp kick) to get her to cooperate. Mazoga rubbed her bruised calf grudgingly. "Ow… right, of course I do. Love him so much I could kill him right now!"
"Oh, woe is me!" Mary swooned.
"Fear not, fair lady Mary!" Fortunately, a replacement was at hand in the form of Farwil.
"Oh Farwil… could it be… could you be the one to heal my heart?" Her eyelashes fluttered like a butterfly on LSD. "We shall have to see once I leave my brief emoteen phase!"
Meanwhile, M'aiq went to help Blanche stand up. The Breton was half-sprawled atop on, half-leaning against one of the coffins in the crypt, her hair totally messed up but now mercifully fake flower-free. It now resembled a bird's nest after a rather long and drawn out rave party. She seemed uninjured and unSuetified otherwise, though.
"How'd I do?" she asked weakly.
"M'aiq considers that one of the better written romantic scenes in this fanfic." The Khajiit commented after a moment of thought, receiving a wry grin in return.
"Alas, I will have to leave the Dark Brotherhood because of this." Mary continued on, apparently over her brief emoteen-dom. "My gentle soul wouldn't be able to bear it… well, you'll all see me in a few centuries or so. At least, some of you will!" she sighed.
Somewhere in Cheydinhal, Vicente Valtieri sneezed, a feeling of ominous dread (huh?) coming over him.
"Now that you've solved your romantic subplots, perhaps you would care to pay more attention to me?" Everyone nodded. "Good. Since it seems all of you have the attention span of a pixie, I've decided to appoint the most capable of you as my Listener." No one was surprised to see that the Night Mother pointed at Mr. Fuzzems, who was chewing on one of the nightshade blossoms lying around, without it poisoning him, apparently. "He's the only one who actually listens to me. Now, as for Speaker positions… hey!"
Unfortunately, everyone had left the crypt before the Night Mother could make her big announcement about the new Speakers, leaving her alone with a still-unconscious Arquen and a bunch of corpses.
Ew.
"I need a drink." Lachance announced once on the ground level once Mary and Farwil gave them their heartfelt goodbyes and scampered into the sunrise to get happily (?) married (???).
"Seconded." Mazoga nodded, rubbing her eyes. This had been a long night. "Make that several drinks. Tonight needs to be forgotten quickly."
"M'aiq should get back to his gam- eh, paperwork. But perhaps a little celebration will not hurt." the Khajiit admitted, looking forward to some free drinks. The two of them went on ahead while Lachance stayed behind a bit to allow Blanche to catch up. The Breton still looked rather like a ragdoll that had been treated appropriately right now, especially since she still hadn't thought of being able to magick her clothes back to normal.
"You okay there?" Lachance asked with rather uncharacteristic concern. Human shield aside, Blanche wasn't an entirely unpleasant OC to be around. In fact, with her, it wasn't certain she'd end up in an unnecessary romantic subplot with him, so that counted for bonus points, as far as he was concerned.
"Yeah, but you owe me several drinks for this." the mage noted, a bit groggily, rearranging her ash-blonde hair around her ears.
"I thought you didn't drink."
"No, but I already feel as if I'm having a nasty hangover, so might as well justify it."
Lachance chuckled heartily at that, probably the first positive humor moment of this whole fanfic. "Just as long as you don't get completely thrashed and go all Sue on me by revealing your deeply-hidden passions for me."
Blanche made a face. Said face was a bit pink, however. "Eurgh, that would be cliché. A last minute hook-up?" She shuddered.
"You know, the fact you're not denying your barely-contained lust for me is making me a little nervous."
"Since you know all about it, why should I?"
A beat.
"Blanche, please tell me you're trying to rattle me on purpose so I can kill you in peace and be done with it."
"What are you ever talking about, my dearest?"
A deeply not-shriek-like groan. "You're doing this on purpose." He hoped. She had to be.
Ahead in the pub, Mazoga scoffed as she drank her first of many bears. "Unresolved sexual tension much?"
"On an infantile and rather platonic level." M'aiq affirmed. "M'aiq said so several chapters ago."
"That doesn't make any sense. Sexual and platonic are opposites." Mazoga pointed out. "You drunk already?"
"Damnit woman, tell me you're just trying to repay me for the human shield bit!"
Blanche cackled madly, unwinding for a moment. And then, the moment of pure, unhidden horror from Lachance made it all worthwhile as she did her best Mary impression with a single word.
"Lulukins!"
o.O.o
The End
o.O.o
Or…
Is it???
o.O.o
Lucien Lachance continued his successful career as Speaker, relishing the fact that he was granted complete control over the selection of new recruits. This way, he was able to minimize the entry of Mary Sues into the Oblivion fanfiction archive by simply killing and every recruit with a peculiar shade of hair or eyes or anything resembling a DD cup size.
Blanche returned to her original place in the fanfic White and Black by the same authoress, glad to be over the craziness. She kept the bridesmaid dress to scare Lucien when it suited her, but usually continued to rely on more foolproof means. To see what became of her, check out that fanfic, as anything would be a spoiler if mentioned here. As for her UST with Lucien… well, you'll just have to read White and Black to see if something ever became of it.
M'aiq returned to the Anti Sue office and filed another successful case in the Sue Buster files. He became penpals with Blanche and thus is now always on alert whenever she or Lucien suspect a Mary Sue might enter the fandom. Keeps trying to convince her that they should just form an Official Couple to cure the deluded shippers. Blanche rightly keeps saying that it wouldn't change a thing.
Mazoga returned to her post as a Knight of the White Stallion in Leyawiin and never again mentioned her affiliation with the Dark Brotherhood to anyone. She prides herself in being an Anti Sue and regularly comes to Sue Buster gatherings to help people see what a balanced and believable character looks like. Is now a closeted fan of Wicked.
Arquen ended up being forgotten by the others and woke up only when the crypt had been sealed off. The Night Mother managed to send her back once she recovered from her shock, but by then, Arquen had been tasked with clean-up duty and got forced into eating the corpses. Due to a teleportation mishap, she ended up at the shrine of Sheogorath, the disciples of whom readily accept her among them.
Mr. Fuzzems became the Listener of the Dark Brotherhood for a brief period of time, but ended up demoted to Silencer due to the fact that he was unable to communicate what he had Heard to the others. Now a permanent resident of the Cheydinhal Sanctuary, he is their protection against the prophesized Return of Mary and in a constant battle with Schemer the rat over who should be the official mascot.
Mary and Farwil ended up married in this fanfic and became a nuisance in Cheydinhal once again, before the local clergy managed to persuade them to enter the portal to the Shivering Isles. There, their adventures continued and Mary had many new love interests…
…but that is a fanfic for another time.