Here we go again. I'll have the next bit up on Saturday, which is my 2-year anniversary of my first story up here! **Characters are not mine, though I do have a half-finished knitted doll of Snape!**
Weeks passed without further interaction between Lily and Severus. She began once again the process of trying to forget. She told herself that it had even stopped hurting to see him walking with Mulciber and Avery, that she felt nothing more than general anger when she heard that the three had been caught tormenting young Muggle-born students yet again. But the dull ache burned on and she knew deep down that it would never go away.
At times, she thought of her budding relationship with James Potter and how horrified Severus would be if he saw them walking together, hand in hand. But people change, as both young men had proven. Arrogant fools can become loving and close companions may turn into enemies.
Every night before going to sleep, Severus convinced himself that tomorrow would be the day when he would part ways with the dark wizards with whom he roomed. He played out the conversation in his head, determining the bravest way to say "No" to Lord Voldemort's future followers.
But every day, he failed to force the words from his trembling lips. He loathed himself for his weakness and his stomach twisted with guilt each time he passed Lily in the hall. For her, he knew that he must be strong, but he was no Gryffindor. He was not brave like Lily; he was a coward, just as Potter had always said.
Severus sat in the Slytherin common room, working half-heartedly on a potions essay for Mulciber, who was playing Exploding Snap with Avery at the table next to him. Absolutely pathetic, a small voice in his head chided. Never mind telling them you don't want to be a Death Eater, you can't even bring yourself to tell these fools to do their own homework.
These bitter musings were interrupted by a loud popping noise. Severus turned to see a House Elf standing on the common room with a handful of what appeared to be letters.
"Pardon me, young masters," the creature said to the green carpet, "but these were just delivered by owl with instructions that they be immediately forwarded to their recipients."
Straightening from his unnaturally low bow, the elf passed folded parchment to Severus, Avery, Mulciber, and Regulus Black, who was snogging a first year in a dimly lit corner.
"Will you be needing anything else, young masters?" asked the elf, bowing again. When none of the other boys even bothered giving a reply, Severus answered, "No, thank you."
Before disappearing, the elf glanced up at the dark haired boy who had thanked him. Severus was sure he saw tears in his large sapphire eyes. Kindness to House Elves was yet another lesson Lily had taught him. It was unfair that intelligent, magical creatures were forced to serve wizards, she said. The least the students of Hogwarts could do was to treat them civilly.
"Oi, Snape!" Mulciber called. "Stop playing with the House Elf and read your letter."
Quickly, Severus tore open the parchment and read the short note written in a tight, elegant script that he recognized as Lucius Malfoy's.
My Dear Severus,
I am writing to tell you that I have recently spoken with the Dark Lord and have mentioned your name among other talented wizards who would be interested in seeking a post in his employ. He seemed quite eager to meet with you. If you are interested, and I do hope you are, please come to Malfoy Manor for tea on the first Saturday of Winter Holiday. The Dark Lord will be there as well to appraise his new associates. If all goes well, you may find yourself invited into his circle that night.
Wishing you all the best until then,
Lucius Malfoy
Severus looked up from his letter in shock, trying to keep his face blank and his hand steady. The other boys who had received letters were grinning at each other and whispering excitedly.
"What do you think, Snape?" asked Avery, a power hungry glint clearly visible in his dark eyes.
Severus could feel his heart in his throat. He could hear Lily laughing in his ears. This was his chance, he knew. All he had to say was that he didn't think he was ready yet or… something that sounded both brave and disinterested. Taking a deep, steadying breath, he opened his mouth and answered. "I can't wait. Our future's coming for us in just three weeks."
The others clapped at his words and continued their whispering. It was as if a bucket of ice water had fallen on Severus. He had failed yet again. He had betrayed Lily time after time until now, there was certainly no going back.
He couldn't bear to sit beside his future comrades while the guilt of his acquiescence to Malfoy's demands burned so strongly within him. Without a word, Severus scribbled a brief concluding sentence to Mulciber's essay, stuffed his letter into his pocket, and retreated into his mercifully empty dormitory. No one noticed that he had gone.
In the solitude of his bed, with the curtains drawn tightly and a Muffliato charm concealing his every breath, Severus wept. He wept for the little boy he had once been and for the terrified coward he had become. He wept for his beloved Lily, who had had such faith in him and whose love he had betrayed. He wept because he wanted so very much to be good and to do the right thing, to take the right side in this terrible war, but he had failed. He had gone too far down the wrong path; now there was no way to change his fate.
If she were with him, Lily would have chastised Severus for such negativity. But the fact that she was not and never again would be beside her once best friend simply proved the negative statement to which she would have objected. The irony nearly made Severus smile through his tears.
But why couldn't he try to follow Lily's advice, even in her absence? In the past, Lily had often told him that there was always hope; that he could always change his life if he wanted to badly enough. And he had never wanted anything as badly as he wanted to change now.
Despite the many administrative responsibilities that accompanied the post of Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore tried to keep a watchful eye on as many of his students as he could, especially those who seemed to be under emotional strain. Unfortunately, that number was steadily increasing with the escalation of the war against Lord Voldemort. Many young witches and wizards seemed to be teetering between the Dark and the Light side, unable to decide which to support. Albus tried to encourage the good in these children and guide them down the right path.
As brilliant and persuasive as Albus could be, he did not always succeed in convincing his students of the cruelty of Voldemort's ideas. His heart broke each time he heard of one of his former students allying himself with the Death Eaters, for he considered each instance a personal failure.
One such case was that of a Seventh-Year Slytherin by the name of Severus Snape. He was an exceptionally bright young man, but it seemed that a dark cloud of sorrow perpetually hung about him. He was not well liked by the other students, which rather puzzled Albus. The boy was withdrawn, true, and rather quick with his wand, but he appeared to possess a passionate soul, loyal and dedicated. It seemed to Albus that Severus had but one true friend, a magnificent young lady who was as lovely as her name; Lily.
But as far as Albus could see, the two had not spoken in over a year and it seemed to be affecting the boy terribly. He associated solely with boys whom Voldemort had already corrupted beyond what Albus's gentle guidance could combat. Unfortunately, the Headmaster had not built up enough of a rapport with Severus to feel comfortable calling the boy into his office for a 'friendly chat about ethics'. He was delighted, therefore- albeit surprised- when Severus Snape sent him an owl requesting a private meeting.
Severus,
I would be delighted to meet with you. Please come to my office at 8 o'clock tonight if convenient.
-Albus Dumbledore
P.S. Do you enjoy Sugar Quills?
Severus stared at the thin, slanted writing of Albus Dumbledore with tears of relief welling in his eyes. He had agreed to their meeting! Lily would be so proud, he thought, trying to ignore the tightness in his chest caused by her name. I've created a chance for myself; a chance to be good.
He burned the letter after reading it so the boys in his house would never know of its existence.
Although he had no reservations about the meeting, Severus could not calm the nervous butterflies fluttering in his stomach as he ascended the spiral staircase to the Headmaster's office. Of course, it did not help that he was several minutes late, for he had been a bit slow to grasp the meaning of Dumbledore's post script It was only because Lily had once told him that the password was always a sweet that he had deciphered the old man's riddle at all.
All too soon, the large wooden office door came into view. Severus took a steadying breath, lifted his hand to knock, and found himself face to face with Professor Dumbledore.
"Good evening, Severus!"
"Good evening, sir," the startled boy answered calmly. If he wished for his proposal to be accepted, he knew that he had to appear professional and not the least bit skittish.
"Come in, please, and have a seat."
Severus sat in the comfortable chair before the desk and tried desperately to look relaxed.
"Lemon drop?"
"Thank you, sir." He took a neon yellow candy from the tin and placed it in his mouth, ignoring how the unbearable taste caused the flight of the butterflies to intensify.
Albus sat facing his student and looked at him over the steepled tips of his fingers. "Why did you wish to speak with me, Severus?"
There could be no more backing down, no more cowardly retreats. He had to speak now for his own sake as well as Lily's.
"The boys in my house, sir… they plan on becoming Death Eaters, or at least quite a lot of them do. They have connections through Lucius Malfoy, who has arranged for them to meet You-Know-Who. They want to recruit me as well, sir. Here."
He handed Dumbledore his letter from Malfoy, making sure to quell the trembling in his fingers. The older wizard read slowly, his electric blue eyes darkening further at each word. He was silent for a long moment after finishing, then looked up at Severus with tenderness and compassion in his eyes.
"We can protect you, Severus. There are ways that the Order of the Phoenix can keep you safe."
"But you misunderstand me, sir," Severus interrupted confidently. "I fully intend to join."
The shock on the Headmaster's face sent a wave of assurance through the boy. If he could get such a response right from the start, perhaps he could convince Dumbledore of this plan's merit!
"Then why are you speaking of this matter to me. Severus?"
"Because I would like to attempt to spy on the Death Eaters." Dumbledore opened his mouth to object, but Severus did not give him the chance. "I know Occlumency, sir; I taught myself. And I believe I'm quite good. I can tell them that I want to join and report their activities back to you. If they ever pick up on my reservations, I'll simply tell them I'm nervous. I'm only seventeen; they'll believe me."
Dumbledore looked far past Severus's face as he studied him. He stared deep into his soul, into his heart. Severus knew what he was going to do and quickly raised the barriers of his mind. He had to prove to Dumbledore that he was strong enough for the task he had just set himself. Breathe, his mind whispered. Strong. You are strong in your breath. For a time, he fought the great wizard, but he soon weakened and broke under the superior skill of his opponent.
Severus collapsed into the armchair beneath him, sweating and gasping for breath. He had failed. All his planning and courage had been for nothing. He was not strong enough. But then Dumbledore's voice broke through his miserable thoughts.
"I am impressed, Severus. You have great promise as an Occlumens. And for one as young as yourself, it is especially remarkable. But I do wonder about your motives. I have noticed your interest in the Dark Arts and your affiliation with students who have already allied themselves with Voldemort. If you claim to possess the mental strength to outwit the most powerful Dark wizard of our time, how am I to know that you aren't really hoodwinking me, spying on me for Voldemort instead of the other way around?"
Severus was stunned. He had expected Dumbledore to doubt his abilities, but not his intentions. "Well, sir, I suppose you'll just have to trust me. It shouldn't be surprising that I want to fight against murderers."
"But why?" the Headmaster pressed. "Why are you willing to risk everything to destroy Voldemort?"
"Lily Evans, sir." He thought he would be ashamed to admit it, but he was not. On the contrary, he was proud to finally be able to express the lengths to which he would go for Lily. "She was my best friend. Stopped talking to me because I… well, I called her something awful. And she hated the people I hang around with; all those Slytherins that Malfoy's recommended to… him."
"You think your heroic actions will lead her to rekindle your relationship?"
"Yes, sir… I mean no, sir, I-" Severus paused and tried to calm himself. You'll be in tighter spots than this if he lets you spy for the Order. "She shouldn't even know about what I'm doing, sir. I could be dangerous for her if anyone discovered me. After the war is over, I suppose she'll find out and I hope she's proud of me. But I'm not trying to impress her."
Dumbledore stared at him unblinkingly, clearly waiting for more. Severus continued.
"She's Muggle-born, sir. And outspoken against the Dark Arts. She could easily be one of their first targets. I have to stop them before she gets hurt. If anything were to happen to her, I… I don't know what I'd do."
"You are willing to die to keep her safe?"
"Of course, sir."
"And others like her? Would you die for them?"
"Yes, sir."
Another pause from Dumbledore caused Severus's heart to skip a beat. Here was the rejection he so greatly feared, the loss of his last hope.
"I believe you, Severus, but I am reluctant to let so young a wizard embark on so dangerous a plan."
"I'm seventeen, sir," Severus replied, keeping his voice even. "I'm an adult."
"You understand that your chance of discovery is great. And if you are discovered, you will likely be killed in an agonizingly painful way."
"I do, sir, and I am prepared."
"Very well, Severus. I cannot say that I am comfortable with a Hogwarts student risking his life, but perhaps, in times as troubles as these, allowances can be made for the sake of… the greater good." Albus paused at these words and his clear blue eyes glazed over with something that Severus thought resembled longing and sorrow. It was the sort of look he knew came over his face when he thought of Lily.
"But you will need further instruction if you wish to have any chance of succeeding," the Headmaster continued. "I would like to give you several private Occlumency lessons to help you strengthen your mental barriers. I also want it understood that if they begin to suspect you, if it gets too dangerous, you must let the Order protect you. Die for a cause if you must, but not if we can help you. Would you agree to this, Severus?"
"Of course, sir. I'd appreciate the assistance."
"Very well. I will expect you in my office on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, starting tomorrow. Good night."
"Good night, sir." Severus was nearly out the door when Dumbledore called after him.
"You are doing the right thing, Severus. Take strength in it."
AND there you have chapter 2, ladies and gentlemen. Please review and let me know what you think! (This is for all readers, but especially my friends with whom I have discussed this story. I MUST hear your thoughts!)