WELCOME to Chapter 3! A bit more Lily in this one, so I hope you're pleased.
Severus worked tirelessly to perfect his Occlumency skills in the five weeks before the Christmas holiday. Dumbledore's lessons helped immensely and with each day, the boy became more confident that he would succeed.
Albus was shocked at the boy's ability to do such complex magic, especially since it had all been self taught. With each passing lesson, his reservations about Severus's plan waned; aside from his progressing skill in Occlumency, the boy's devotion to his cause was overwhelming. His bravery and willingness to sacrifice everything for his friend made Albus wonder, not for the first time, if Hogwarts sorted its students too soon.
Though she tried not to listen, tried to block it all out, Lily could not help but hear whispers about the Slytherin boys who were going to join the Death Eaters. True, there were always rumors about such things, but this seemed different somehow, and not only because the name of Lily's once-best friend was often included. It seemed that the Slytherins themselves had started people talking this time, for they were so recklessly proud of their actions.
In her heart, Lily had always thought that Severus would overcome his insecurities, his desperate need to feel accepted, and choose the right side in this dreadful war. Now, according to his housemates, she could no longer hope for his redemption.
It hurt her deeply that her dear friend had fallen so far, though she tried to tell herself that the Severus she once knew and the Severus who stormed past her in the halls each day were two different people. And she still could not fully believe that even this new Severus could do such a thing. A small part of her wanted to talk to him and ask him directly if the dark whispers were true. It was only pride that stopped her; after pushing Severus away so forcefully, she did not want to be the one to break the silence between them.
Pride be damned, the voice she assumed to be her conscience whispered. You have to know if he's honestly going to do something so horrid. It's driving you mad and you know it, no matter how much you pretend you don't care.
Severus walked through the halls of Hogwarts with his head held high, confident behind his strengthening mental barriers. He felt truly comfortable in a crowd for the first time, for it no longer mattered how poorly the other students thought of him. Soon, the only people who would not despise him would be monsters, and for the first time in Severus's life, he did not care. He knew that he was doing the right thing and that Lily and other innocent people would benefit from his actions.
He ignored the jostling of scores of shoulders against him and moved quickly from class to class, frightening enough students to build up a formidable reputation without even trying. Upon seeing how naturally intimidating he could be, Severus made an effort to upset people of Muggle descent, thus adding to his Death Eater persona. It hurt him to be so cruel; he hated upsetting people. He found it ironic that such things had mattered to him only after he hurt the person he loved above all others.
With each passing day, he found his role easier to perform. To some, this may have been a concerning indication of forgetting one's cause and becoming corrupted by the evil one is trying to fight, but to Severus, who could never lose sight of his cause, it was simply a step closer to perfecting his act.
He found it quite natural, therefore, to shout at the fool who ran into him on his way to Transfiguration.
"Watch where you're going! What sort of blind, ignorant Muggle-"
"Severus."
He froze and looked down at the young woman lying at his feet. From out of the heap of fabric emerged a head of brilliantly red hair. Severus's heart stopped cold until his eyes met those brilliant emerald ones; then it took off racing as if it were going to rip out of his chest. Here was his Lily, sitting before him, and if he did anything other than treat her cruelly, he could be putting her life at risk.
Trying to force all emotion from his voice, he nodded coolly "Lily. You should be more careful in the future." There. That was rude enough. If he simply walked away, he could avoid insulting her.
But fate would not let him escape so easily. The tapping of Lily's heels followed him down the hallway until her small, warm hand seized the back of his robes.
He spun to face her, trying to block all feelings from his mind and face, but nothing could quell the pain in his heart as he imagined what was to come. "Can I help you, Lily?"
"Severus, I wanted to ask you something." She paused, clearly too nervous to continue.
"Well go ahead and ask, then."
"There's been talk about some of the Slytherin boys… about them joining the Death Eaters. People say that they have appointments with… him over Christmas holiday and they're going to be marked then. Your name has been mentioned, Severus, and…"
She stopped and looked at him, her eyes filled with a silent plea. It would be simple to ease her pain, to tell her what she wanted to hear, which was the truth. But he had chosen to live a lie to keep her safe, to protect many other people just as innocent and nearly as wonderful as she. He could not risk her safety simply to make her happy or impress her.
"And what? You want me to deny it?"
She nodded.
"Well I can't. I'm going to join as soon as the Dark Lord allows me. And I'm proud of it, so don't try to stop me."
"I won't try, Severus. It obviously isn't worth wasting my breath." She stifled a sob behind her hand. Severus forced himself to stare into her eyes; looking away would show weakness and sympathy. Those beautiful emeralds that he loved so much shone with anger behind pools of unshed tears. "But I will ask you why, Sev, my very best friend? Why did you let those monsters win you over? You were better than them; you were kind and warm and… not like this. What happened?"
"They've offered me power, Lily, and friends. People who want to spend time working with me."
"I would have done anything with you!" Lily shrieked. "I wanted to be your friend forever, I-"
"It's not only that, Lily." Severus felt sick. This was his darling Lily who he was about to deliberately offend! "I- The Dark Lord's got the right idea. We have to clean up wizarding blood somehow, and I feel sorry for the decent wizards who have bad blood in them, but-"
Without a word, Lily struck him across the face. She watched his hollow cheek turn bright red, her perfect eyes filled with a look of cold satisfaction, then she turned and walked away. It was the greatest mercy she had ever granted him.
"You look upset this evening, Severus. Is something troubling you?"
"No, sir."
"Come now Severus, I am not the powerful wizard you are being trained to fool. You may tell me."
"I'd rather not, sir." Severus knew that Dumbledore would be sympathetic toward him and his situation with Lily, but he did not want to relive it for the old man just hours after he had managed to dry his eyes and crawl from his dormitory.
"Very well," Dumbledore said calmly, "We shall simply have to experiment. I want you to conceal what is bothering you, Severus, and I will probe your mind for the answer."
Severus focused on the walls he had built around his mind, allowing all thoughts and memories to leave him. He was strong, disconnected, and alone. No one could touch him; not Dumbledore nor Lily nor Lord Voldemort himself.
After several minutes, Dumbledore decided that he was satisfied and released the boy's mind. "Excellent, Severus! I do believe you will be thoroughly prepared for your… appointment. But I would still like to know what is troubling you."
"I'll tell you, sir, but could we try another Occlumency experiment?"
"Of course."
This time, when Dumbledore entered Severus's mind, he saw a single memory that the boy was deliberately not concealing. In this memory, a group of students stood before Professor Slughorn, who had a stern but sympathetic look on his face. The students, including Severus, looked nervous as their teacher began to speak. "It is, of course, only one exam, but you all must work a bit harder in the future."
Severus then blocked Dumbledore's entry to his mind completely, thus returning them both to the headmaster's office.
"Did you see it, sir?"
"Yes. I take it you did not pass your last Potions exam?"
Severus grinned. "I got an Exceeds Expectations. That was a lie, sir. Couldn't you tell?"
Dumbledore's eyes widened in surprise and his mouth split into an excited smile. "That is wonderful, Severus! No, I would never have guessed. Bravo!" He paused and the happiness on his face faded. "But you are avoiding telling me what is actually wrong. You do not have to, of course, but I am concerned for you."
"I'd rather not discuss it, sir, but I will show you the truth this time." And when Dombledore entered Severus's mind yet again, he saw the boy deliberately hurtling the person he held dearest to his heart.
For a moment, Dumbledore was speechless. He found himself often overwhelmed by the strength of this young man "I am sorry, Severus. But what you have done will surely protect her at least somewhat in the future."
"I know, sir; that's why I did it. But the look on her face…"
"You are very brave, Severus. I am sure you will get a chance to repair your friendship once this war is over and she learns of your actions."
"Yes, sir. Goodnight."
"Goodnight, Severus."
At the door to the winding staircase, Severus turned back and stated in a flat, calm tone, "I won't survive the war, sir, but thank you for the kind words." He left without allowing Dumbledore time to reply.
All too soon, Severus found himself packing his trunk for the seventeen-day winter holiday. The Hogwarts Express would be departing the next day, Wednesday, which would give him two days to sit in his drafty bedroom and prepare for Saturday. He was due to arrive at Malfoy Manor at three o'clock, which meant that he would have to fly very high to avoid being seen in the midday sun; one did not get to Malfoy Manor by Knight Bus.
The night before, he had attended his last Occlumency lesson. Dumbledore worked him for hours on end, and when they were finally finished, Severus collapsed into a soft armchair that the older wizard had conjured for him, his head aching fit to burst.
"I know that was difficult," the headmaster apologized, handing Severus a cup of overly sweetened tea. "But you are ready. I must admit that I had doubts when you first came to me, but now I am sure you can succeed."
"I hope so, sir."
Dumbledore sat behind his desk and silently watched the brave young man before him sip his tea. He felt compelled to warn Severus of what was to come, but did not know how to put such horrors into words. He decided after several minutes of contemplation that blunt honesty was best.
"Severus, I know that you are prepared to act the part of a Death Eater and to perform any services that Voldemort may require of you, but I would like to talk to you about the induction ceremony. According to rumor, it is required that all Death Eaters must take a human life before they are allowed into the fold. Are you prepared for this?"
From the moment he embarked on this dangerous path, Severus knew that he was going to be forced to do terrible things. He had tried to ignore this harsh reality, but it had to be addressed. Perhaps it was better that he had someone with whom he could discuss his fears. "I am, sir, but I… sir, I'm entering the Dark Lord's service to do the right thing, yet killing is the greatest evil. Is it wrong to kill a Muggle this weekend if I can potentially help to save the wizarding world in several years?"
"I believe that you must take that up with yourself and your Higher Power, but I personally would say no. Unfortunately, the Muggle chosen for you would most likely be killed as sport by another Death Eater present at the induction. You are attempting to do a wonderfully heroic thing and you mustn't forget that."
But sir, I don't want to give up, but I… I don't want to be a murderer at seventeen!" It was suddenly hard for Severus to talk around the lump in his throat. He was filled with horror as his eyes began to sting. Grow up, Severus! An angry voice in his head hissed. You're about to embark on a journey into the lion's den. You can't sit here sniffing like an infant before the man who prepared you. Severus knew that he could hold back his emotions if he tried hard enough; keeping his mouth shut had been the first lesson his father had taught him.
It was only when he was with Lily that he could be himself. She never judged him when it all became too much for him to handle; she would always be there to hold him when he cried… until the day she wasn't.
Since then, he had been utterly alone, feeling more pain now that Lily had left him than he could have imagined before he had known such kindness.
Suddenly, his impenetrable walls faltered; he could not stop the tears from flowing. But being in that office with Albus Dumbledore, he felt safe and it seemed that such weakness was acceptable for once.
Over the past weeks, Dumbledore had begun to take Severus's strength for granted. True, the boy cared deeply for Lily Evans, but nothing else seemed to penetrate his thick Slytherin skin. Now, Albus felt his heart break as the boy broke down before his eyes. Severus sobbed into his delicate white hands, which trembled against his flushed cheeks. Watching his shoulders shake, Albus noticed for the first time that the outline of his student's bones were visible through his threadbare robes.
Severus jumped when the Headmaster wrapped his arms around him from behind; he was not used to being touched without feeling pain. "It's going to be alright, Severus. You're doing the right thing. You'll be helping many people, and you cannot be morally condemned for that. And when Miss Evans hears of what you have done, she will be so very proud. It won't be all that dangerous, either, for the Order can hide you at the first sign of trouble. Hush, now. Everything is alright."
When had anyone other that Lily ever cared for him like this? Severus leaned his head against Dumbledore's strong shoulder and wept out every tear that had been caged inside of him, feeling not the least bit ashamed. Dumbledore held him silently, and stroked his greasy black hair without a trace of disgust.
After emptying himself of fear and sorrow, Severus looked up at his mentor. Albus had never before seen such desperation for acceptance as that which was visible in the boy's eyes. He smiled reassuringly and Severus grinned weakly back.
Now, as Severus readied his bag for the holiday, he felt stronger than he ever had in his life. He was beginning a journey down a frightening and treacherous path, but the knowledge that there was someone backing him who believed wholeheartedly in his potential and goodness made him sure that he could succeed.
Reviews are always nice, but this time I'm really begging for them. I can't tell if the plot is interesting and I think I'm writing really crappily (which isn't a word) so PLEASE let me know what you think.
~Emilie Rose