I'm baaaaaaaack! Guys, I'm back from SYDNEY! I am soooooo tan from all my days on the beach with the cousins and I've got enough dirty laundry for an army! But the best news why I'm back is because I'm regenerated and can therefore write again. YAY!!!

I'm very sorry that it's been so long since I've updated but due to computer custody battles between my sister (who happens to be a fan…imagine that!) and I, things have been strenuous and I can't write nor publish on such tenseness. Not to mention the fact that she tried to fix the internet connection herself and ended up crashing our computer for a week...

But on my more pressing news:

How'd you like the last chappie?

Killing you, you say?

Hmmm, we'll have to stop that then…

I heard this song on the radio in Sydney and I just thought: 'wow. This is Edward's theme song for this story. It just has to be.' Anyway it's by the Script and its called Breakeven. It was never meant to be a songfic but I just couldn't resist. Hope you like it.

x.o.x.o

Tress.

Chapter 19. Breakeven.

Edward's POV

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just praying to a god that I don't believe in

Cause I got time while she got freedom
Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even

I was in pain. More than pain. I was in agonising, miserable, burning, ripping, torture. I would say that this was worse than my changing but it couldn't compare physically. Only emotionally. Those words coming out of her lovely mouth were like a chainsaw to the heart. "Yes. The other vampire you saw at school today. Chen." It had a name. Perfect.

I wanted nothing more than to rip him to shreds but that would just hurt her more. I'd already done so much…when was I going to get it right? Could I even get it right? I stay, she gets hurt by my kind. I leave and she gets hurt worse. What was wrong with me?

After Bella told me, her eyes widened like she'd just screwed up horribly and I felt a little offended. What did she think? I was going to go and kill him because he wasn't me? I would never do that to her. Not hurt her like that.

I thought back to the house and Bella's coven, trying to figure out which one was Chen. Her Chen. I thought about the Asian vampire who had been thinking such protective thoughts about Bella. I guess I knew why now, although I hadn't wanted to kill him when I first saw him. Even with his overbearing thoughts.


Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first

While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
Cause when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven

I nodded to her and took a deep breath although it was useless. I looked down, trying to submerge the urge to take her in my arms again (so sweet a memory to relive in those few moments before she told me about…him) and nodded once more. "I see." My voice was flat and cold. I hoped she realised the anger wasn't directed at her. It was all for him. It was perfectly reasonable for her to have moved. I had hoped she wouldn't, selfishly. I had prayed she would, for her sake. It was what I had wanted, for her to be loved by someone who could love her back. And even now, when I could be that man, I couldn't do it because the job had already been filled.

I looked up to her face, which was still shocked at her own words and I memorised it, comparing her to my memories. Her hair was longer but still such a dark soft colour, with those small touches of red and light brown…Her eyes were the same colour as my own and I somewhat missed the dark brown she had before. I realised with some remorse that she would never blush again either, as her skin glowed in the moonlight. It was alabaster pale, just like mine but standing there, still in the dark jeans from school and a simple blue shirt, she looked so graceful, even among vampires that I couldn't bring myself to miss the human Bella. Because she was still so much the same. She deserved whoever she chose because obviously, she knew what was best for her. Even though she had decided that it might not have been me.


What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

I straightened suddenly and nodded to her again. "My apologies then Isabella." I said, still flat. I couldn't let her know how much it was killing me to let this beautiful creature out of my sight. So without anything further, I turned and sped away out of our meadow and through the trees. I felt the monster inside me growl with the pain I was enduring. It was so strange. Like my heart was trying to rip itself out of my chest. Similar to the pain I'd felt over the last ninety years, but so much stronger. I felt like I was losing my humanity to the images running through my head.

Bella smiling at him…

Hugging him…

Kissing him…

I felt sick at the thought of her touching him. Of him touching her. The monster snarled and I knew that was exactly what was happening. I was losing my humanity, my conscience, my compassion to this ripping in my chest and I wished for all the world, that I could sleep. That I could steal a few moments when Bella was still mine. I snarled into the wind rushing past me. I couldn't lose myself though. It wouldn't be fair, not to me, not to Bella. I had screwed up so much as that little vampire, Jenna had showed me in her mind. Couldn't I do this one thing for her? I wouldn't want her to think she had my loss of control on her conscience although it would never be her fault. I struggled with myself, keeping myself clear of the town, travelling straight back home.


They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving
Cause when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven

I reached the house in record time, steering clear of the party who was leaving. I didn't have that much self control. I found the rest of my family inside, looking ashamedly at each other. How could we have…

It was reasonable! I don't see why everyone's so choked up about it…

How could we doubt her? After everything…

We killed her didn't we?

I missed her so much…

Their thoughts were disjointed with guilt although all of their heads snapped at my sudden arrival. I didn't stay long. I just ran up the stairs and into my room where I could think alone. Or somewhat alone at least. There was a knock at my door and Alice's thoughts drifted to me. I growled at the very thought I'd had a few days ago. How could we have doubted her like that? Bella would never hurt anyone else purposely. It was simply impossible.

Edward? She misinterpreted my growl and flitted into my room with an expression of disgrace on her face. "I'm sorry! I just thought that since she took her own changing so lightly that maybe she wouldn't think of it as a bad thing. I was so wrong." Alice rambled, empty sobs ripping from her chest. I could sense Jasper's torn feeling below. She'd asked him to leave her for a few moments but her cries were calling to him. He had more control than I would've, because I could sympathize. If Bella was hurt, I would try to help. No matter what she'd told me. It was exactly what I'd done to her and look how that turned out? He was right to stay down stairs.

"It's alright Alice. I don't blame you." I said, my voice still dead. Alice's face turned surprised and she suddenly understood.

"You saw her in the meadow didn't you?" she asked softly. I nodded, replaying the vision she'd had of us in my head. I knew it was going to happen. Minutes after our conference with Bella's coven, Alice had her vision but by that time it was too late, I was already in the meadow.


What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
One still in love while the other ones leaving
Cause when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven

"How are we going to get her back?" Alice asked, her eyebrows furrowing. I shook my head.

"She's happy now Alice. We can't take that from her." I replied, vehemently opposed to upsetting Bella's life again. Alice's face turned outraged.

"Why? You know she'll be happier here!" she cried, her eyes wide. I shook my head again, this time angry.

"I'm through playing god with her life Alice. She's an adult. She can make her own decisions." The words were empty. Everything inside me was snapping and ripping and crumbling to pieces. Nothing could matter now that Bella wasn't mine. Alice growled.

"She keeps making the wrong ones!" she whined, frustrated. I smiled sadly and Alice gave me a stern, outraged look. "You are not giving up are you?" she whispered, horrified.

"She's an adult." I repeated, this time frustrated. Alice didn't want to let go of Bella and it was a selfish thing to do. To bar Bella from happiness so she could be happy herself.

"But Edward she doesn't know what she wants! Her future, it's…" I saw what her words drifted off as. Futures of blurred figures, vampire and human, what could have been as a memory, what can be as a vision…a particular one looked temptingly at me, of a Bella that chose me, an Edward that never left…I snarled.

"Don't Alice." I snapped at her and she gave me an annoyed look before flitting away like the pixie she looked like.

The door to my room drifted closed and I lay on the black leather couch, thinking of happier times. Times that could never be had ever again now that Bella was no longer here. I growled into the empty room, trying, profusely to drown out the voices in my head. "Thoughts," I said aloud, in a bare whisper. "Distractions…" I almost laughed at the irony life (or in my case death) had dealt me. I ran away from the love of my eternal life with the excuse that I had other distractions that needed attention and now that the excuse had failed me and my life had fallen to pieces, I truly was looking for distractions needing attention.

What a mess. Sighing with deep discontent, I thought back to the vampire that now carried Bella's heart. Beating or not, in another life I would have killed for such a prized possession…the heart of an angel. I didn't wonder how they'd fallen in love…that much would have been ridiculously painful and easy. Bella naturally drew people in with her soft perfection and selfless person. It was difficult to miss such a creature.


You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm trying make sense of what little remains
Cause you left me with no love, no love to my name.

Instead, I wondered, naturally with my selfish mind, who I was now. How I could describe myself within the crowded corners of my mind. Usually, my self image depicted someone in love with Bella, someone with a family, someone without a pulse. Usually however, my love would always be the most defining characteristic. Now that it was gone, the small pinpoints of my family, however bright they were seemed dwarfed by the dark gaping hole Bella had left. I glared downwards. My dead white hands were no longer a tiny prick of light: they mangled the edges of the dark hole, a place so painful and harsh that it had no colour or name to it. Heart break was not adequate enough. Death had already happened…

I flinched slightly.

Had she felt this way when I left? Had she felt this hole? Had she felt dead? She was still eighteen, eternally eighteen, so she'd been changed soon after I left. How long had she been with her Chen?

Better yet, how had she moved on if she had felt this pain?


I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just praying to a god that I don't believe in
Cause I got time while she got freedom
Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even

I looked skywards, begging the unseen, unheard, obviously bored, forces that were messing with my life, begging them to stop now and leave me in peace. But they must've felt my disbelief, my scepticism because suddenly a crack of thunder echoed off the mountains as if to say, 'Sorry Edward, you made your bed, go lie in it.'

The questions whirled emptily off my head. Questions aplenty but no answers.

Another crack of thunder.

Next, I thought of what was to be done. I couldn't kill him obviously (although a small smile curled my lips at the thought) so I would have to endure them. For Bella's sake. Carlisle had made it quite clear that no matter what happened, he expected us to stay in Forks as his medical credit was by far, overstretched as it is. He couldn't afford to transfer again and expect people to stay quiet.

Of course, I knew he would make an exception but what trouble it would make for us all. I would endure it as I had once endured Bella's hauntingly beautiful smell. Painfully but silently.

Although that hadn't worked out as well as I had once hoped either.

School would have to be taken in small doses, I decided. Hopefully without direct contact to either of the happy couple and a cover story must be created, at least for the sake of Forks' inhabitants. The Volturi wouldn't appreciate such a large group raising questions and it was best not to include a visit in the near future.

Cousins perhaps?

I tried to keep my attention based on this new cover story. But my heart dragged me back to the pain every time. Sooner or later, I wasn't quite sure which, I gave up trying to resist and let go of everything.

I laughed bitterly once more at my cowardice, my weakness before letting the pain wash everything into a numb colourless blur, my last thought being, She will never be mine, I'll always be hers.

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

And truer words were never spoken.


One still in love while the other ones leaving
Cause when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven

Are you glad you waited? If you have any bugs with this chapter, please tell me, I crave input like a moth to a flame…okay writing in Edward's perspective puts me in a poetic mood, so sue me!

I apologise profusely for the unwarranted length of wait you had to withstand, thanking and praising you for your wonderful, tender patience with my insanity ridden mind and hope with a heavy, remorseful heart that you continue reading and observing my most haphazardly created story…

…

Yep, still in a poetic mood.

Xoxo

Tress.