Chapter 3

Our lunch meeting was finally over, complete with Rangeman etiquette involving alot of secret hand signals and back slapping and even a few belches. My PBOlive sandwich, alias peanut butter and olives, was a big hit with the guys as the new menu item for future Rangeman Meetings. I thought Ranger would put a ban on them for being unhealthy, but even he had to admit that it boosted male testosterone and might provide a good afternoon round of energy for taking down FTA's.

I mentally reviewed my options on getting home for Dinner and back to Rangeman afterwards without letting my mother know she'd been right on about the hair. Shoot, even Lula dealt with Life's ups and downs better than I was doing.

That was it! I had to bribe Tank with the promise of another PBOlive sandwich next week to get him to give me a ride to the bail bonds office. Tank

I dashed out of Rangeman practically dragging Tank along with me in my sudden hurry to visit the office. The office, meaning my cousin Vinnie's company Plums Bail Bonds , was on the other side of Trenton closer to the sleazy part of town. Vinnie was a bit of sleaze himself and was once reputed to have wacked off with the assistance of a duck. Connie, our office secretary and general manager, was a bit shorter, a bit more vavoom, and a bit more Italian than me. She kept Vinnie toeing the mark with her no-nonsense attitude and her new Colt 45 in the bottom drawer of her desk. Periodically she removed listening devices from various spots in the office, usually in or near her desk, and then we could watch a real show when she discovered one of Vinnie's newly planted devices.

I had finally convinced Tank that Lula would not be there and was probably home doing her nails or out shoe-shopping and he could swing me by the office without fear of meeting up with her.

Now, Tank and Lula had a past, which had definitely passed when Tank chose kittens over Lula. I mean real kittens with cute pics and all. Lula had given him the heave-ho, which from a former 'ho was downright pathetic, especially since Tank seemed all the happier for the heave-ho.

I stepped inside the office where Connie was berating Vinnie; her Colt pointed directly at his head as he stood, arms flailed out and his body plastered against the back wall. After telling him to get rid of the damn devices, she calmly walked back to her desk; put the Colt in the bottom drawer and Vinnie sneered at us and scooted back into his inner sanctum. Connie greeted us as though this were the most normal day in our universe.

"Hey, Stephanie, great, I'm glad you're here. Here's a couple new Failures for you to find when you get back from the Islands." Connie smiled at Tank and offered him a soda. He smiled as he took the bottle and swigged it while glancing at Vinnie's door. I suspected he had heard a lot of the rumors about Vinnie's self-actualization habits involving dogs and other large mammals. Since I really didn't want to hear more about my cousin's sexual escapades, I picked up the new files and asked Connie if my FTA check had been issued. She reached inside the top drawer and pulled out an envelope. I grabbed it from her, doing a little dance. Tank grinned.

"Oooh yes, now I can get my hair done!" I gleefully informed them. Connie smiled as she scanned my legs, "Good thing, sister, but don't forget to have someone fix your legs. What's with the purple bruises?"

"Long story," I said, "I'll tell you about it when I get back from the Bahamas." Then I checked with Connie about Lula's schedule. She told me Lula had left two hours ago for Macy's shoe department. Lula probably owned half of Macy's stock in dry goods, judging from the amount of shoes and clothing she'd purchased there.

I grinned at Tank, "See, Told ya so." I suggested we head for Macy's at the mall, but Tank said to take his Humvee, he'd stay here and wait for a ride back to Rangeman as Hal was in the area on call.

"But I've never driven a Humvee!" I replied, "How do you find a parking spot that you can back out of?"

He laughed and said I'd make do. Right…

Ten minutes later, I was careening off the freeway exit and turning into the mall entrance. What a ride, maybe my next vehicle would be a Humvee. Or not…

I'd called Lula on her cell and actually gotten her, which was the first time this week. I begged her to take me to her hairdresser. I was elated when she'd called back a few minutes later saying she'd bribed Sholanda, said beautician, to take me right away.

So, she was running out the front doors to Macy's as I braked the Humvee to a quick stop.

"Shit, what you drivin'? This ain't Tank's Humvee now, girl, tell me it ain't so?" Lula demanded.

She was wearing gold spandex capris, it being 'summer an' all', as she put it, with a dazzling white ribbed top etched in a wide band of gold filigree along the top and bottom edges. Her spike-heeled sandals matched, white with gold filigree etchings. My eyes must have bugged out, as Lula gloated, "I don't even care how much it cost! I'm so stoked, Girlie. Look, my skin is glowin' from all this excitement. I thought I needed somethin' a bit more glamorous, ya know 'cuz I got me a hot date tonight!"

We laughed as I headed down the freeway back to our Burg exit. I was feeling it too, the excitement of going to the Bahamas, the 'new' classy look Lula had going for her, the possible promise of an interesting interlude with Ranger while on duty with him. Yikes! My mind was getting side-tracked. Switching gears, I brought the big rig to a grinding halt in front of Sholanda's place and we jumped out.

"I got me a 'pointment while's I was askin' for them to take you on," Lula informed me. "Heck, I gotta look good for tanight Miss Plum and you has gotta look good for the Bahama's!"

We stepped inside and all the noise we'd heard when entering subsided abruptly. Then, a lot of groans and other snide remarks hit us, like "Ooo, she ain't lookin' too good" and "What hit her and left them purpley splotches all over that poor babe?".

Geesh, I'd completely forgotten what a mess I'd made this morning.

Lula took charge, "Sholanda, my goddess of hair beautifyin' process', you have 'xactly three hours to make this pathetic, miser'ble creature into the most beautiful Bahama Mama there evah was!" Listening to Lula rant and gloat was honey to my purpley ears. I tentatively smiled and wiggled my fingers at Sholanda.

She looked very doubtful, but then smiled graciously at me, waggling her fingers at Lula, "Well, I bettah get my magic fingers workin' then!"

Exactly three hours and two minutes later, at precisely Five forty five, I stepped out of Sholanda's Place and glinted into the sun. With the exception of the necessary sunglasses to complete my new look I was now a dazzling beauty, or so I had been told. Right. Sholanda had worked her magic and voila, the red was magically in my hair instead of on my body and best of all, the splotches were gone. Lula had presented me a Bon Voyage gift of a spectacular pantsuit outfit in white and red to match my "new look" she'd said. I had to wave away the tear that pooled in my right eye as Lula threatened me with ripping off my new outfit if I ruined my new look by crying, That made me laugh and everyone in Sholanda's had clapped for us. One little boy, who was waiting for his mama remarked, "Man, dey look good!" as we left. Shoot! How did it get better than that?

Now, I had fifteen minutes to make it on time to my parent's for Dinner. Easy as Pineapple Upside-down Cake, right?

It was one minute to six and we were sitting at the last light before my parent's house. Lula had her stopwatch out and she yelled, "Go!" as the light turned green. We drove about two car lengths and red flashing lights brought us to a quick halt. Lula and I groaned simultaneously. I sat strumming my fingertips on the steering wheel. There was only one cop in all of Trenton who would dare mess with me. And, of course, that would be Joe Morelli, who stood at the side of the Humvee, ticket pad in hand busily writing. I groaned again and felt my head thunk against the steering wheel.

"May I see your driver's license, please?"

"What?" I responded, stupidly staring at his ice-blue eyes. He was avoiding mine, though.

He took a step closer. "New outfit, new hairdo, you got a hot date tonight?" he breathed into my ear. Our lips were about three inches apart. I licked mine. He blinked and repeated the question.

I could smell his sexy aftershave, I could smell him! My senses were having a debate over sexy versus jerky. What to do, the clock was ticking. Which clock? I couldn't decide. I think my eyes must have glazed over or something because Lula was tugging on my shirt and whispering, "Girl, get a grip!"

Morelli looked like he was enjoying the torture which reminded me of the time he tied me to the bed and… Shoot, what was I thinking?

"Have you had Dinner?" Lula asked.

"What?" Joe and I both responded at the same time.

"Stephanie," Lula pouted, "you forgot to invite yo' main man to Dinner at you parent's house tonight? What's with you, Girl?"

I blinked. "Uh, yeah, Officer Morelli, have you had Dinner? I mean, it's just pot roast and those little red potatoes you like and mom's famous gravy. Oh, and you probably don't want any of her pineapple upsidedown cake, but the offer still stands anyway."

Joe leaned his elbows on my doorsill, "Cupcake, that's the best offer I've had all week and if you think trying to bribe a Trenton detective is going to get you back on my, uh, good side… well, yeah, that works for me. I'll follow you!"

Maybe my life wasn't a total mess, and it was all due to the color red!