Chapter 2: A New Look & On the Lam
(Author's Note: First I want to give a special thanks to my friend and partner, and without further ado enjoy reader this chapter)
Dramatic music plays in the background as the Channel 5 News logo appears on scene.
"Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker, with Channel 5 News." Tom said. "We now go live to Ollie Williams, recapping the events of the last episode of Family Guy. What happened last time, Ollie?"
"MEG GOT IN TROUBLE WITH HER PARENTS!" Ollie shouted quickly.
"Then what?" Tom asked.
"MEG SKIPPED SCHOOL!"
"Then what?"
"MEG WON SOME MONEY AND A CAR!"
"Then what?"
"MEG TOLD HER FAMILY TO PISS OFF!"
"Then what?"
MEG LEFT QUAHOG!"
"Where'd she you go?"
"I DON'T KNOW!"
"Thanks Ollie, and on with the show" Tom said.
It had been over a week since Meg left Quahog, now she's entering Chicago. This is going to be her first official stop. The only other time she stopped was to get gas and to sleep in her own car.
Meg parked her car in a parking lot of a hotel. She goes into the hotel and up to the check-in, standing behind the desk was man with a brown bob cut hair style, dressed in a green business suit.
"Welcome to the Windrock Hotel, my name is Colby Webster at your service." he said in a French accent.
"Yes, I need place to stay for a while. And I'd like the finest suite you have available in the building." Meg requested.
Colby started to giggle a little and soon burst out laughing. The laughter continued for about ten minutes.
"Oh, you Americans are so funny." Colby said with a grin.
"I fail see the humor, in what I just said." Meg replied, rolling her eyes.
"Then allow me explain it for you, mademoiselle. Our finest suites are only reserved for those who are rich and important, which you are neither" Colby said.
"I've got 700,000 dollars!" Meg stated.
"Well that changes everything. I'll have someone show you to your room" Colby said and he called over a random bellhop.
"Yes, what is it Mr. Webster?" he asked.
"Show our guest to our finest suite on the tenth floor." Colby told him.
"Right away, sir." he said to his boss. "Follow me!"
"Oh and one more thing, mademoiselle" Colby said to Meg.
"Yes, what is it?" she asked.
"It's my sworn duty to warn you, if you try check out of this hotel without paying. I will be forced to take drastic actions and you'll end up like that duck over there." Colby told her.
Scrooge McDuck is being beaten merciless by two maids with golf clubs.
"Hurt me all you want, you bitches, but I'll never pay you my Number One Dime. Even if you kill and cook my nephews" Scrooge said before they resumed beating him.
Meg is taken to the 10th floor, room 1012. Upon entering Meg saw that the suite she'd be staying in was beyond cool.
"Oh my god, this is room amazing." Meg said, looking around her suite. "It's a lot better than that time I had to share a bed with Grandpa Carter."
Flashback
A younger Meg is sleeping beside Carter, who's talking in is sleep.
"Griffin, embarrassment, Pewterschmidt family name tarnished forever, have to get rid of Griffin." Carter murmured in his sleep, while strangling an awaken Meg.
"Grandpa, grandpa you're choking me." Meg said, trying to break free.
"Die Griffin, die you fat bastard" Carter said strangling Meg even harder that her face turns blue.
End Flashback
Later, Meg is looking for a place to eat, not only that but to go sightseeing as well since this is her first time being away from home on her own.
Meg came across a restaurant by the name of Happy Bernie's.
"This seems like a good place to eat." Meg said, driving towards the restaurant.
The Meg walks into the restaurant and takes a seat in an empty booth. While Meg was reading the menu she didn't notice the waitress approaches her only the camera is show the lower part of her body.
"Excuse me, may I take your order?" the waitress asked.
"Yes, I'd like have the number six combo with scrambled eggs and a glass of orange juice" Meg puts down the menu and looks at the waitress.
"Alright, I'll have your order ready after awhile." the waitress told Meg.
"Take your time, I'm in no hurry." Meg replied.
It was about twenty minutes before the waitress returns and gives Meg her breakfast. Meg thanked the waitress then eats her meal. She ate everything expect her waffles and pancakes. The waitress comes by once again.
"Did you enjoy the food?" she asked.
"It was great although I couldn't finish it all" Meg answered.
"How will you be paying cash or credit?" she asked.
"Cash!" Meg replied, handing the waitress money. "These should cover it."
The waitress was surprised by the amount of money she had received.
"Two hundred bucks? All you had to pay was 33.50, why are you giving me this much money?" she asked.
"Because I wanted to. Why don't you have a seat, and I'll share my pancakes and waffles with you" Meg smiled.
"Thank you, I'm starving!" the waitress said as she sat down and begin to eat. "Mmm, delicious!
"I'd figure from the way you staring at everyone's food" Meg said.
"Well I haven't eaten in three days" the waitress replied.
"Why's that? Doesn't your boss pay you?" Meg asked.
"He doesn't believe in mandatory payment. All I get paid is a lousy twenty dollars a month, and I don't spend it all in one place phase." the waitress complained.
"What a jackass!" Meg murmured
"Indeed!" the waitress answered.
"What do you think you're doing?" a voice demand. Meg and the waitress looked over and saw a fat middle aged man in his late 30s, he has brown hair and mustache, dressed a black suit and tie, and a dark brown hat. The name tag on his chest said "Mr. Crandle".
"Mr. Crandle, why are you here?" the waitress stated.
"The real question is, why aren't you working and talking to this customer?" he demand.
"She offered to share her food with me" she replied.
"Well that's unacceptable. I'm not paying you to sit around and eat with the customers"
"You hardly pay me at all." she muttered.
"Don't take that tone of voice with me young lady. And just for that I'm docking you pay an hour" Mr. Crandle told her.
"But Mr. Crandle-
"No butts!" Mr. Crandle pointed to his own behind. "You get yourself back to work, or you'll be scrubbing out the toilets."
"Yes sir!" the waitress said.
"And one thing" Mr. Crandle took hold of the table cloth, knocking all the plates on the ground, breaking them. "Clean up this mess."
"You can't do that!" Meg stated angrily.
"I can and I just did. Besides I'm the owner of this restaurant, this whore works for me and I'll do as I please with her." Mr. Crandle smirked.
With that said Mr. Crandle left.
"How can you stand there, and let him talk trash about you?"
"I have to, he's my boss" the waitress admitted.
"You need to stand up for yourself. Don't let him bully you" Meg told her.
"I can't. He'll fire me" the waitress replied.
"So what? You can't allow yourself to be his doormat, stand up to him like I did with my dad" Meg suggested.
"You don't get along with him?" the waitress wondered.
"Not just him, my family has ignored and neglected more times than I can count. I finally got fed up living with those monsters; I left them and my old life back in Quahog." Meg explained.
"Wow your dad's really stuck up like Simba." the waitress said.
Cutaway
Kiara is crying over the fact her father banished her boyfriend. Simba comes in smiling as if nothing happened.
"What's wrong, sweetie?" Simba asked.
"What's wrong, what's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong you exiled Kovu, you bastard!" Kiara exclaims.
"Oh that Outsider, you're better off if you never knew him. Besides he only using you for sex" Simba said.
"That's not true! He loves me for who I am." Kiara defended Kovu.
"You say that now but soon you'll realize I'm right." Simba said.
"No I won't. I hate daddy! I hate you! I hate you!" Kiara yelled as she ran away from her father.
"Relax Kiara, you're just having your period." Simba said nonchalant.
End Cutaway
"Ask yourself, do you really intent to have some fat bastard bully you the rest of your life?" Meg asked.
The waitress was now deep in thought, and that's when Mr. Crandle returned looking really angry.
"So you're still lazing around are you? Looks like I'll be docking your pay again, are you listening to me?" Mr. Crandle asked sternly.
"I am and I got something tell you, Mr. Crandle"
"And what's that?" he asked his employee.
"Go fuck yourself, asswipe!" she replied hostile.
"Girl, what did you say to me?!" Mr. Crandle dared.
"I'll say it as many times as I want, go fuck yourself Mr. Crandle! No job is worth being pushing around by fat load crap like you. As fat as you are, Fat Albert would look like a supermodel" the waitress said making Meg laugh.
"Better watch your tone with me girly or I'll have you fired from a cannon then fire you!" he threatened.
"You can't fire me, because I quit. See ya never Mr. Crapper Stain!" the waitress knees her former boss in the groin.
"Bitch you're not gonna get away with this!" Mr. Crandle groans holdings his privates.
"Doubt it!" the waitress said then turns to Meg. "Thanks for helping me stand up to that fat load."
"It was nothing, if there's one thing I learn it's to hurt your abuser where it hurts most" Meg said.
"Ain't that the truth!" the waitress stated.
With that Meg and the waitress left the restaurant, she showed the waitress her corvette.
"Wow where'd you get this?" the waitress asked admire Meg's car.
"I won it in a contest along with 700,000 dollars" Meg answered.
"Damn that must have been one tough contest, if they got away that much money" she said.
"Not really, all I had to do was eat a streak. Oh, with all that was going I forget to introduce myself. My name is Meg Griffin."
The camera moves up on the waitress's face revealing her to be Hayley Smith from American Dad dressed in a waitress uniform. A studio audience cheers and applauds can be heard in the background.
"Names Hayley Smith, don't wear it out." she said.
"Well hop in, I'll give you a ride home." Meg said.
"There's no need, I actually live behind this restaurant." Hayley told her.
"In a trailer?" Meg asked.
"Come with me!" Hayley stated as Meg followed her to a red van. "Welcome to my humble abode."
"You live in a van?" Meg asked Hayley.
"It's not just me" Hayley said then knocks on the door.
"Who is it?" a voice asked in a monotone tune.
"It's me sweetie, open up." Hayley said.
The van door slide opened and there stood a 1 year old boy who resembled Jeff Fisher and he had his hairstyle expect his hair is black minus the goatee. He wore a black T-shirt with skull crossbones over a grey long sleeve shirt, black jeans with a chain attached to a belt loop, and black shoes.
"You're home early mom." he said.
"Mom? You're a teenage mother?" Meg exclaimed in surprise.
"Yeah, I am." Hayley replied.
"Who's she?" he asked.
"This Meg Griffin, I just meet her. Meg this is my son, Tommy Fisher" Hayley said.
"Hey Tommy, it's nice to meet you."
"Sup!" Tommy stated deadpan manner.
"Is he an emo?" Meg asked.
"Yes. But the sad part is he wasn't always an emo" Hayley said.
Flashback
Hayley and one month old Tommy are shopping in a local strip mall. He appears to be happy go lucky child who wears a tie-dye t-shirt, bell bottoms jeans, and sandals.
"Mommy is it alright if I go to the toy store?" Tommy asked.
"Okay but don't go too far. Here's $20, buy yourself something anything you like" Hayley said.
"Thank you, mama" Tommy replied cheerfully.
Tommy walks off, he spent the next few minutes browsing until he came across a toy store. He walks inside amazed by all the toys that were on sale. What really got his attention was the Lego land section.
"Legos! That's awesome!" Tommy said with glee.
Tommy goes to play with the Legos for a while then he decide to build something he liked with them. It took twenty minutes to build an exact replica on the Eiffel tower.
"There're all finished; my greatest masterpiece in Logo history" Tommy said.
A trio of teenagers came into the Lego section looking to cause trouble.
"You guys want throw Legos at those itty bitty kids and make them cry?" teen #1 suggested.
"Totally!" teen #2 agreed.
"First we make'em cry then they'll pee themselves." teen #3 said.
"Look some stupid kid built the Eiffel Tower, lets knock it down." teen #2 said.
The three teens begin kicking and taking the Legos apart. Tommy watched in horror as his Eiffel Tower being destroyed.
"That was fun!" teen #1 said.
Tommy walks up to the teenagers really upset. "You jerks destroyed my Legos."
"So what are you gonna do about it shrimp?" teen #3 asked.
"Yeah, besides Legos are stupid anyway" teen #2 said.
"And only stupid kids like you would like playing with them" teen #1 added.
Tommy's eyes begin to fill with tears hearing them say that, soon he burst out crying. While the teens laugh at his misery. Tommy runs out the toy store crying his eyes out.
"I hate those guys! I hate my life! I hate everything!" Tommy cried.
Tommy then goes to find his mother but came across Hot Topic. He walks inside to see how dark and gloomy the place is with multiple face piercings and a Mohawk came towards Tommy.
"You looking to buy something, kid?" he asked.
"Anything I can get with a $20" Tommy replied monotone.
"I got just the thing, come with me" he said as Tommy follows him.
Later Tommy came back to Hayley, now dressed in emo clothing.
"Tommy, what are you wearing?" Hayley asked.
"There's no happiness in this world, mom. Only torment, sorrow, and despair" Tommy said emotionless.
End Flashback
"Legos are every kids favorite toy without them your dead inside." Hayley said.
"That's awful." Meg said.
"As long as Tommy has his healthy, I'm okay with him being an emo. Besides it's just a phase, he'll grow out of it." Hayley said as she saw her son spray painting "the apocalypse is coming". "Oh who am I kidding, he's doomed."
"I don't really have a home here, but I am staying at hotel for the time being. How would you and Tommy like to come stay with me?" Meg offered.
"Really?" Hayley inquired.
"Of course, I can't let a teenage mom and her son living in a van. Besides it would be nice to have someone else to talk to other than random characters." Meg said.
"Tell me about it. Hey Tommy, Meg's letting use stay with her" Hayley told him.
"I hope they serve eight legged octopus with nails and dry skin" Tommy said.
Both Meg and Hayley stare at him awkwardly.
"I mean, can we have pizza?" Tommy asked sheepishly.
Later at the Windrock Hotel, Hayley came from the bathroom in a robe.
"Did you enjoy the shower?" Meg asked.
"Way better than the ones I usually have back home." Hayley replied.
"It's this great, two teenage girls and a child under one roof. And the best part is no adults to tell us what we can or can't do." Meg said.
"Tell me about, me and my dad have never agreed on anything. He's such a fascist because he works for the CIA back in Langley Falls" Hayley groaned, crossing her arms.
"Did he throw you out?" Meg asked.
"No, in fact no one knows where I am." Hayley answered.
"What made you what to leave home?" Meg asked.
"It's a long story, but seeing as close we're getting I'll tell you anyway." Hayley replied. "I was in and on/off relationship with a stoner named, Jeff Fisher every now and then I broke up with him for many different reasons. At first I thought we weren't going to be together, but soon I realized we were meant for each other. One day, he proposed to me and we got married."
"That's so sweet. It must have been the happiest moment in your life?" Meg claimed.
"Oh it was especially with the 50,000 dollars we tricked my parents out of" Hayley said.
Meg now had a surprised look on her face.
"My parents weren't too that I decide to elope with Jeff, my dad offered a 50,000 dollars reward to anyone who prevented us from getting married. We fool them into believing that Jeff wanted the money for himself. After that the two of use got married we had the best honeymoon of our lives. That is, until Roger showed up to steal the money from us, making an obnoxious sound. He chased us half way across the world until we gave him the money, and when we did it was all gone" Hayley continued telling her story.
"Well that sucks. Brothers can be difficult to deal with" Meg said.
"Roger's not my brother, he's a space alien my dad rescued from Area 51." Hayley said.
"You were concealing an alien from the government?" Meg asked.
"Yes, and that's the reason my poor Jeff got sent into space" Hayley said angrily. "Months after Jeff and I moved in with our parents, Roger wanted to run around the house naked. And like always Roger refused to lesson, and pretended to be Jeff's imaginary friend, only he exposed himself, which upset my dad because he didn't want Jeff to know he's an alien. Since Jeff was terrible at keeping secrets he thought the best solution would be to kill either Roger or Jeff"
"Then what?" Meg asked.
"The worst day of my life happened Roger decides to go back to his home planet. As we were saying our goodbyes to him, he tricked Jeff and got him beamed into outer space never to be seen again!" Hayley cried finishing her story.
"I'm so sorry!" Meg hugs Hayley.
"Thank you" Hayley hugs her back.
"If it makes you feel better, I'm sure Jeff will be back and Roger will get what he deserves" Meg added.
"Thank you Meg. No one in my family didn't seem care that Jeff was gone, and that I should move on with my life. A month later I found out I was pregnant, knowing Tommy will grow up without a father I couldn't handle it, so I left my former life in Langley Falls behind and never looked back" Hayley said.
"I don't blame you." Meg smiled.
"It's strange, but in a way I feel that we're sisters." Hayley said.
"Just like the Olsen twins expected we're not related." Meg replied.
"And the fact we're not in Hollywood" Hayley joked.
The girls laughed at the joke made, while Meg continued to laugh Hayley suddenly takes hold of Meg's cheeks and kisses her right on lips.
Meg's eyes widened in shock, feeling Hayley's tongue down her throat. After a while of locking lips Hayley took hers off Meg's.
"Hayley, what the hell? Meg shouted.
"I'm sorry. I don't know what got into me." Hayley apologized. "It's just that I've been so lonely without Jeff, and you're the only one that cares. I hope this doesn't ruin our newly formed friendship."
"Not in the slightest. I once French-kissed my mortal enemy after whacking her over the head with a sack of soda cans. I'd have to be a hypocrite to diss you." Meg replied.
"Glad to hear it. I'd hate to lose you" Hayley stated.
"That's not going to happen." Meg assured.
"Wanna make out?" Hayley asked.
"Oh what the heck!" Meg said.
Both teens brought their lips together and begin kissing each other passionately. They were too caught up in their make out session to notice Tommy coming in.
"Hey mom, I saw this awesome thriller for ten bucks. Can I- OH MY GOD
The site of his mother and Meg kissing was too overwhelming, and Tommy fainted as a result. Meg and Hayley stop what they were doing and saw Tommy passed out.
"Oops, I think we traumatized him" Meg stated.
"Eh he'll get over it." Hayley said as though nothing had happened. "If anything it saves me the trouble of explaining a few things to him about sex."
The next day, Meg and Hayley took Tommy to the carnival for some fun and to make up for what happened.
"Tommy, we're really sorry about yesterday. You see, when mommy gets a bit too emotional, she starts doing crazy stuff. She's going through a phase" Hayley explained.
"I...saw...nothing!" Tommy's face is still bright red.
"Let me make it up to you by...OH MY GOD, it's a puppy!" Hayley runs like a little girl and she sees a Dalmatian puppy in a cage at a balloon darts stand. "Look honey, don't you want a puppy?" Hayley asks.
"Puppies are not gifts for the dark world. Why must you embarrass the innocence of a boy?" Tommy replied.
"Well, while you two are playing games. I'll be riding on the Ferris wheel" Meg said before leaving.
Hayley takes her son over to the balloon darts stand.
"I want to win that Dalmatian for my son" Hayley said to the man behind the booth, paying him 20 dollars.
"If you can pop over forty balloons in thirty seconds, it's yours" he replied.
"Oh this will be over in no time." Hayley countered.
Once Hayley received her darts she popped every balloon on the board in less than ten seconds.
"Ha. I told you I could do it in no time." Hayley gloated.
"Whatever." he stated uncaringly, he gives Hayley the Dalmatian. "Here's your puppy, if you're going to eat him afterwards. I reckon that you do it behind the Tunnel of Love."
Hayley gave the man a look of disgust.
"I'm not going to eat it, you sicko. I'm giving him to my beloved son." Hayley said.
"Gee thanks mom" Tommy said in an unsympathetic tone.
"At least try to act happy. You're more boring than a doctor who used to be a football captain in high school" Hayley complained.
Cutaway
A doctor is with his patient.
"All right; you're perfectly healthy "the doctor said
"Thanks, doctor" the patient thanked as he looked at a picture "Wait, is that you?"
"Yeah, I was the football team's captain in high school" the doctor answered "I was considered the best football player of all time."
"And why didn't you become a professional football player?" the patient asked.
"They caught me taking steroids" the doctor answered depressed.
End Cutaway
Meanwhile, Meg is waiting in very long line to ride the Ferris wheel.
"How much longer is this line gonna be?" Meg asked.
"Forever trust me. I've been here three days straight." a random guy answered.
No longer could she tolerate waiting. Meg leaves to find Hayley and Tommy, however she comes to a guessing booth.
"Hey. Hey you girl wearing the pink hat, care to play a little guessing game?" a man asked.
Meg comes towards the booth.
"What sort of guessing game?" Meg asked.
"Simple, all you have to do is guess my age and weight. And you get to select a coupon from this jar and it tell you what you've won" he replied.
"Alright then, I'll play" Meg said.
"Good luck, girly. You'll never guess that a 180 pound, 36 year old man is very smart" he stupidly gave away the answer.
"Let's see, are you 36 years old and weigh 180 pounds?" Meg pretended to guess.
"Are you some kind of witch?" the guy asked startled. "Well, you win a prize!"
"Oh my God. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you so much! I've always dreamed of winning without having to steal or cheat." Meg cheered as the guy gives her the jar to determine what prize she won. "Let's see here, free something." Meg takes out a coupon and it was...a free makeover!
"Congratulations" he said.
"But I don't want another makeover." Meg whined.
"Why not? You earned it" the guy said.
"The last time I got a makeover, I was a total bitch and Jimmy Fallon took my virginity away." Meg explained.
"Well, I hate to fart on your fries, but it's one prize takeout only. No switches. You take it or leave it." the guy insisted.
"I guess it's better than nothing" Meg said.
Meanwhile Hayley and Tommy are play with their new dog, well Hayley is.
"Who's a good boy? You're a good boy, oh yes you are." Hayley said, petting the Dalmatian's head.
"If you're done playing with that dog, mom, I'd like to go ride Deadman's Island now." Tommy said.
"You'll have plenty of time for that later, sweetie. For now wouldn't you like to play with your new pet?" Hayley asked.
"Nope!" Tommy replied, crossing his arms as he looks away.
"Come on don't be such spoilsport." Hayley said, putting the Dalmatian in front of her son.
The Dalmatian rubs himself against Tommy.
"Aw, see sweetie he likes you." Hayley said. "Why don't you ask him to do a trick?"
"Any trick I want?" he asked.
"Yes anything!" Hayley replied.
"Alright play dead boy!" Tommy said, as he takes out baseball from nowhere and beats the Dalmatian to death. "Good boy!"
"OH MY GOD, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?" Hayley yelled at her son.
"Dogs are the gift of the forgotten. Thus shall be beaten" Tommy added. "Besides you suggest I get him to do a trick."
"I told you get him to do a trick, not beat'em to death." Hayley said angrily.
"That's part of the trick, kill it and bring it back from the dead" Tommy explained.
Hayley gave her son a sour look.
"Tommy I've had enough of emo attitude, you're grounded until you learn to mellow out." Hayley said with hands on her hip.
"Whatever!" he replied unconcerned.
"I tried." Hayley said as she shakes her head.
"There you two are!" Meg's voice called.
"Meg? Meg you look different." Hayley said.
True indeed Meg was different, she now had D-cup breasts and her glasses were gone. Her hair is longer with purple streaks going down her back, cherry lipstick, white wristbands on each arm. New clothes to go with it, Meg wore a blue tube, a pink skirt, and white high-heels.
"I got a makeover" Meg said. What do you think?"
"I don't like it" Hayley responded as Meg looks down. "I LOVE IT!"
Meg smiles.
"Really?" She asked.
"Yes. I love it" Hayley said as she hugs Meg.
"Thanks Hayley. You're the best." Meg said returning the hug.
"Just one question, you are wearing panties aren't you?" Hayley asked.
"Of course I am!" Meg said. "Who do you think I am, Jaina Ryder?"
"Who's Jaina Ryder?" Hayley asked.
"I don't know. Hey where's Tommy?" Meg asked noticing he was there.
Hayley looks at spot where her son was suppose to be, and that he was nowhere in sight.
"He was just here a minute ago!" Hayley said.
"He couldn't have gotten far. Come on lets go lets go look for him" Meg said.
"I hope we find him, otherwise I'll be a worse parent than the Joker" Hayley said.
Cutaway
The Joker dressed in a business suit walks into his house.
"Honey, I'm home!" the Joker said.
Harley Quinn welcomed her husband with smack upside the head with a rolled up newspaper.
"You're late again!" Harley said angrily.
"Sorry dear, you know how it is at the office. My boss had me working an extra shift" the Joker said.
"Oh really is that so. Then perhaps you can explain this." Harley said as she unfolds the newspaper, the headline read "The Joker bombed Gotham Bank killing hundreds".
"At least I'm making easy money." the Joker said.
"Well, while you're out making your easy money J.J been getting in to trouble at school. His principal said that if he misbehaves again, J.J will be expelled." Harley said.
"J.J, come out here!" the Joker yelled.
A small version of the Joker walks into the living room cover in blood.
"Why are you covered in blood?" the Joker asked.
"I was playing doctor with Uncle Riddler. He had to have surgery because of the tumor in his head. But now he's as good as new." J.J replied as he showed his parents the Riddler's decapitated head.
"I told you not to let him watch those Saw movies." Harley said sternly.
End Cutaway
Hayley and Meg had been searching for Tommy for last half hour.
"We've looked everywhere. Where could he have gone?" Meg asked.
"If anything happens to him I'll never forgive myself." Hayley said.
"Don't worry we'll find him." Meg said.
"I hope so, I'd do anything to hear his voice just one more time." Hayley said in a broken voice.
"Come on, let me get on." Tommy voice yelled.
The girls look in the direction of where the voice had came from. Tommy was arguing with the conductor.
"For the last time kid no. You're too little, to get on this ride." he said.
"Either you let me on, or suffer the consequences." Tommy said.
"What consequences?" he asked.
Tommy punched the conductor in the groin so hard he falls to his knees clutching his groin.
"The nut-pain consequences, now will you let me on?" Tommy asked.
"Hell no! In fact, as of now you're banned from riding Deadman's Island." he said holding his privates.
"Damn it!" Tommy said.
The next thing he knew, he was wrapped in loving embrace by Hayley.
"There you are, my sweet baby." Hayley said before the expression on her face changed from a worried one to an angry one. "Why'd you run off?"
"I wanted to ride on Deadman's Island" Tommy answered.
"Well don't it again, I don't know what I'd do if I lost you." Hayley said.
"Whatever" Tommy said.
"Whatever? Whatever, whatever is that all you have to say for yourself?" Hayley asked sternly.
"Whatever!" Tommy shrugged.
Hayley was mad, so mad her face turns red and steam out of her ears.
"That's it! I've had enough of your anti-social attitude." Hayley yells. "Tommy I am your mother and you well respect me. You may not care or love me the same way I do about you. So I suggest you start treating me with more respect or I'll spank you until have your own kids!"
Tommy then broke down crying.
"I'm sorry I snapped at you like that. But you brought it on yourself." Hayley said.
"You're wrong about that!" Tommy sobbed.
"Tommy, I just wanted you to be a good boy." Hayley said.
"No that's not what I was talking about. When you said I didn't care or love about you. The truth is I do love you mommy, I really do." Tommy said wiping away his tears.
"I love you too honey." Hayley said as she hugs her son. "But why have you been acting like you didn't want me?"
"I was too embarrassed" Tommy confessed.
"Embarrassed of what?' Hayley asked.
"I don't know" Tommy replied.
"Come on Tommy you can tell me anything" Hayley said
"I'm embarrassed to say that I love my mommy with all my heart, especially since I'm emo." Tommy confessed.
"Tommy, there's nothing wrong with loving mommy. I love you no matter what. What's wrong with loving mommy?" Hayley asked.
"I'm supposed to be serious and tough, especially since we're poor." Tommy explained. "I thought if I acted uncaring you wouldn't have to worry so much for me. But I do love you mommy."
"Oh sweetie you didn't have to do that for my sake. I love you for who you are, and I always will" Hayley smiled.
"Really?" Tommy asked.
"Yes sweetie, with all my heart!" Hayley said.
"Oh mommy!" Tommy hugs Hayley tightly. "I promise to be nicer to you from now on and I'll won't kill another animal again unless it's a hamster those things are it get rid of."
"Thank you dear." Hayley said as she hugs him back.
"That was so beautiful!" Meg said as she wiped the tears from her eyes. "What you guys say we go get ourselves some corn dogs?"
"I'm a vegetarian!" Hayley stated.
"Can I have one?" Tommy asked.
"Sure honey!" Hayley replied.
That night at the Windrock Hotel, Tommy, Meg, and Hayley are watching TV.
"Today was one of the best days I've ever had." Tommy said.
"Is that because I'm letting stay up late or because of the prank you pulled?" Hayley asked.
"Both. I almost feel sorry for making that guy eat a swamp of bees, but you gotta admit it was funny seeing him fun face front into that wall" Tommy said.
"Well thing I'm most grateful for is I got to meet the two of you." Meg said. "Ever since I left Quahog, I haven't had anyone to talk to and despite all the crap I've been though. You and Tommy are among the few who've treated me with compassion or make up excuses to avoid me, even before got this new look" Meg said.
"Don't mention it. Besides if I hadn't met you, Tommy and I would still be living in Jeff's van. If the three of us had fun today, we'll have a blast tomorrow and the day after that" Hayley said.
"Sounds like a plan." Meg said. "But we can't stay in this hotel for too long, though it's expensive enough as it is"
"We can find a place of our own while we're out tomorrow." Hayley suggested.
"I like nothing more than to have my own room. A room of means I can decorate it anyway I see fit" Tommy said.
"If it doesn't involve cannibalism, I'm happy" Hayley said.
"Yeah!" he cheered.
"We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin" Tom Tucker said from the TV.
"This had to be important, and not one of those false alarms you hear so often" Tommy said.
Cutaway to the TV
"Local whiner Meg Griffin of Spooner Street has run away from, Quahog Rhode Island" Diane said as picture of Meg munching on a hamburger appeared in the background. "Her current whereabouts are unknown, but the police are advising anyone with information to call them immediately."
Tom receives a not from someone off screen.
"In another shocking turn of event, liberal hippie Hayley Smith of Langley Falls is also on the loose" Tom said the picture of Meg was replaced with a picture of Hayley smoking pot. "She's been reported missing for awhile and hasn't been seen since, Stan Smith is offering a reward to the person who returns his daughter. We now go to Ollie Williams with his reaction, how do you feel Ollie?"
"I WANT A RAISE!" Ollie shouted.
"Thanks Ollie!" Tom said.
End Cutaway
"Oh, shit we're screwed." Meg said.
"Mommy I'm scared" Tommy said clinging onto Hayley.
"Don't panic, maybe if we're lucky nobody saw it." Hayley said.
The sound of a helicopter is heard outside, Meg and the others look out the window to see Joe piloting a police copter including police cars parked out front.
"Meg Griffin come out with hands up, we've got the place surrounded" Joe said over a megaphone. "We're here to take you home."
Meg opens the window.
"Never! I'm never going back to that house of monsters." Meg said.
"Meg? Meg what did you do to yourself?" Joe asked surprised by her new appearance "You like you had a sex change."
"First of all I've always been a girl, and secondly I don't ever want to see my ex-family again" Meg said.
"You don't have a choice in the matter, now come along quietly" Joe replied.
"Fuck you!" Meg yelled.
"Alright, we'll do this the hard way" Joe said.
"It's gonna take more take more than a few dozen cops to stop a hot babe, a hippie, and an emo kid." Hayley said.
Another helicopter arrived on the scene, only this one was from the CIA, flown by Dick and Jackson.
"Hayley Smith, we know you're down there. Surrender now or we'll be forced to take seizure action" Dick said."
Meg and Tommy glared at Hayley.
"There's a reason people don't use that metaphor. And this is one of them" Tommy said to his mother.
"What are you CIA douche bags doing here?" Joe asked.
"We're here to find and retrieve Stan Smith's daughter" Dick answered.
"What about the girls who went wild at my son's birthday party?" Jackson asked.
"Who cares about them?" Dick said to his partner.
"This is police business, so stay out of our way." Joe said.
"Like hell we well. We're not leaving until we get Hayley Smith" Dick said.
"A likely story, admit it you're just want to make us look bad. Like you guys did in that baseball game" Joe said.
Flashback
Joe is on home base bating against Stan Smith who's the pitcher. Reginald Koala is the catcher and Avery Bullock the umpire.
"You're going down, you CIA bastards" Joe said.
"That's big talk coming from a man with no legs" Stan said. "The CIA will be better than you police chumps."
"We're gonna eat you cops for breakfast" Bullock said with a smug look on his face.
"Oh yeah, we're also going to be eating a Swanson TV dinner!" Reginald taunted.
"And you can't walk, you homo-cripple" Bullock laughed.
"Shut up! You will not intimidate me. I am strong like a rock, I shall not be moved!" Joe shouted in anger.
Reginald grew an evil grin.
Oh really, let's see how strong you are without your wheelchair."Reginald said as he pushed Joe out of his chair the throws it out of reach. "What are you gonna do now, crawl to victory?"
"You're useless. Hey everyone, look at the useless cripple trying to walk" Stan said to the crowd.
Everyone pointed at Joe laughing at him, call him a "crippled-loser".
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Joe yelled.
End Flashback
"I made a vow on that day. I swore I'd one up the CIA and I'm gonna prove it by capturing Meg and the Hayley Smith girl" Joe said.
"Not if we get them first" Dick said.
"Move out, men get those girls" Joe said over the intercom.
"Attack! Show them why America choose use to be its protectors." Dick yelled.
Both the police officers and CIA agents ran into the hotel.
"Good luck finding us. You guys don't even know what floor we're on." Hayley said to them.
Suddenly there was a banging sound from the door.
"Open up or we'll break the door down" a police officer said.
Tommy gave his mother a look of disapproval.
"Wow mom with your bad luck you'd have an excellent career as a bitter fortune teller." Tommy said rolling his eyes.
"Guess this is the end of the line for us. Just when our lives together were beginning" Meg said to Hayley.
"I'm gonna miss you!"Hayley said hugging Meg.
"Me too!" Meg said hugging her back.
"Hey, look what I found." Tommy said pulling a chair over revealing an air vent. "I found a way out!"
"But where does it lead?" Meg asked.
"Who cares as long as it gets us out of here" Hayley said.
Hayley opens the air vent and crawls inside with the others right behind her. They crawl through the vent for a couple of minutes until reaching the end, which brought them to the laundry room. The three of them looked at door to check if the halls were clear, so far there wasn't anyone in sight.
"Good the coast is clear! We can sneak out the back" Meg said.
As the three of them made their way to the door, they we suddenly stopped by Colby Webster.
"And just where do you, think you're going?" he asked Meg.
"Where do you think? We're getting the hell out here." Tommy said.
"Is that so? It appears that you've forgotten what I told from day one, attempt to leave without paying will result in being beaten until you decide to pay" Colby said taking out a golf club.
Tommy sighs and rolls his eyes.
"Let me handle this." Tommy said narrowing his eyes. "Hey Mack, do you know Head-nut?"
"Head-nut? I don't know anyone named Head-nut, Head-nut who." Colby asked.
Tommy head butts Colby in his balls causing him to crumple to the ground in pain.
"Oh, right in the jewels." Meg laughed.
"Every male's weakness!" Hayley added..
"Nuts to you, sir." Tommy joked.
"You're all gonna pay for this." Colby said in a high-squeaky voice.
Hayley, Meg, and Tommy laughed their asses off.
"You sound like Theodore from Alvin in the Chipmunks, only less lovable." Meg said.
"I'd like to stay and humiliate you but we gonna go. So nuts, yeah later" Tommy said.
Neither Meg nor Hayley were laughing sophisticated to say they were unimpressed.
"Those nuts jokes are starting to get old fast" Hayley commented.
The three of them ran out the hotel and into the bushes. Their only obstacle was Joe, Dick and Jackson who are still in their helicopters listening in to their teams reports.
"Ah yuck mommy, it stinks in here?" Tommy said holding his nose.
"SHH!" the girls shushed him.
"Here's the plan, on three we run straight to my car. And whatever you do don't look back."
"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Hayley asked.
"We don't have any other choice, get ready" Meg replied.
Meg held her fingers up counting, right at three they ran out the bushes. They almost made it to Meg's corvette and it blows up.
"MY CAR!" Meg shouted.
"Stay where you are, there's no escape." Joe said.
"Quick, to the van!" Hayley said.
As soon as got into Jeff's van with Hayley behind the wheel, making their get way.
"There're escaping!" Jackson said to Dick.
"I can see that. Attention all CIA agents, the target is driving a red van, stop and capture at all cost" Dick said over his intercom.
Joe's face turns red with anger.
"This does NOT sit well with me. I want every officer it pursuit, failure is not an opinion. Get Meg and that hippie at all cost, even if you have to kill any bystanders to do it" Joe ordered.
"But Officer Swanson, that's against our code" a random officer said.
"DON'T TALK BACK TO ME MAGGOT!" Joe shouted. "Have you forgotten the CIA is our mortal enemy, and it's our sworn duty to crush them?"
Both the CIA and police were in hot on their tail.
"They're gaining on us!" Tommy said staring out the window from Meg's lap.
"Hang on tight guys, I gonna floor it." Hayley said.
Hayley then hits the gas on the van and zoomed off, passing several other cars. However neither the police nor the CIA would give up so easily and shoot at them with their guns trying to flatten their tires.
Hayley made a turn and crushes through a book store, running down anything in sight with people jumping out of the way. Until breaking through a glass window which brought them out of the store including the police and CIA.
Now they're going down a long steep hill where for some reason Speed Racer, Speed Buggy, and Dastardly and Muttley were parked on the side of the road. When they saw a van passing them they assumed it was a race, and joined in. The racers quickly caught up with them, neck and neck with each other until Hayley made a u-turn to another part of the road as for the racers they'd crushed into a brick wall, the cars then caught on fire and exploded.
"These guys are persistent!" Hayley said staring at the side window.
"Let me take care of them" Tommy said as he got out from Meg's lap.
"What are you gonna do?" Hayley asked.
"You'll see!" Tommy replied.
Opening the back door Tommy takes a lighter and firecrackers from his pockets. Lighting every firecracker then throws all of them on the road. The firecrackers went off causing the police and CIA agents' cars to swirl out of control, now they all piled up on one another wrecked.
"Tommy, where on Earth did you get those fireworks?" Hayley asked.
"I bought from a special place, a place nobody should ever know" Tommy answered.
"Well, anyway thank you for that sweetie" Hayley said.
"You're welcome mommy. I mean, whatever" Tommy said.
"I hate to interrupt but those guys in the coppers are still after us" Meg said.
"Oh shit!" Hayley cursed.
"Mommy, you cursed" Tommy said.
"Lighten up Tommy" Hayley said.
If Joe was mad before now he was pissed off big time.
"Damn it! Damn it! Those bastards are so fired for this!" Joe shouted then hears Dick and Jackson's laughter.
"Too bad for you! Now we're gonna find those girls!" Dick taunted, only for the helicopter to crack up. "What's happening?"
"We're out of fuel!" Jackson answered.
"That's impossible I filled it yesterday." Dick said.
"Funny thing about that, I sort of used it afterwards." Jackson said nervously.
"For what?" Dick asked.
"Having a three way with my girlfriend and my sister's friend" Jackson replied.
"And you didn't tell me this earlier!" Dick said.
"I wanted it to be a surprise for Guy Night." Jackson admitted.
"Assuming I invite you!" Dick said.
"Aw!" Jackson groans sadly.
Both CIA agents got their parachutes, jumping out the copper before it fell from the sky.
"Ha. Looks like the tables have turned. With the CIA outta the way I'll get those girls no matter what it takes, even if I have to use the big guns." Joe said as he pushed a red button which activated the copper's missile launcher. He fires a set of missiles at the fugitives destroying part of the road, leaving behind a giant crater. Luckily Hayley have moved just in time.
"Ha ha ha ha who's going to stop me now?" Joe laughs evilly then his cell phone rings. "Hello? DAMN IT BONNIE! I'm trying to catch the two girls on the loose! How about you change Susie's diapers instead?" Joe screams on his cell phone.
Joe fires another set of missiles, this time at a random buildings using the destroyed parts to block his targets path. The next one hit was a hotel, where Cleveland was bathing. The tub started sliding off.
"What the hell? NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!" Cleveland falls while in the tub.
"Damn it! Can't I enjoy a bath without any shenanigans? Cleveland asked himself.
"Sorry buddy!" Joe said from the helicopter passing by.
"Fuck you, Joe!" Cleveland shouted shaking his fist.
Joe continues firing at them not caring what he had destroyed to achieve his goal, although needless to say he was about to get his wish.
"Hayley drive faster!" Meg said holding on to Tommy for dear life.
"I'm going as fast as I can. I don't think I can lose him." Hayley replied.
"And I'm out of fireworks!" Tommy shouted.
"Oh crap, there's no way out. It looks like we're doomed this time." Hayley said.
"Not yet, over there look!" Meg said.
Hayley and Tommy stared in the direction Meg pointed towards a place called Bloomthorn Lounge.
"What's so special about it?" Hayley asked.
"Follow me inside, I've got a plan." Meg said.
"What could that be?" Tommy asked.
"There's only one way to find out." Hayley said.
Driving towards the lounge, the three fugitives ran inside the Bloomthorn Lounge, Joe lands his helicopter and wheels out.
"I've got you now, there's no place you can hide from me." Joe said with a grin.
Joe enters the lounge and it turns out to be a fancy club with only rich people. Flower designs were all over the place. The guests there were either having a meal with their socialists or dancing to the music the band was playing. A random worker sees Joe.
"Excuse me sir, do you have a membership here?" he asked.
"I don't need a fucking membership. I'm looking for an ugly boy who's now a pretty girl and a hippie." Joe sad.
"Sir, I'm sorry but members only, I'll have to ask you to leave." the worker argued
Joe shoots the man in his kneecap getting everyone's attention.
"Does anyone else have anything to say?" Joe asked.
"Yeah, do you use the bathroom in that chair?" some stranger asked, only for Joe to shoot him.
"Now as I was saying I'm looking an ugly boy who's now a pretty girl, Meg Griffin and a hippie, Hayley Smith" Joe said. "Did anyone see them come in?"
No one responded angering Joe which him shoot at the ceiling, causing the men and women to scream.
"Those girls are in here somewhere, and I won't leave until find them!" Joe said.
From the corner of his eye Joe spotted Meg and Hayley at a table holding menus to hide their faces. But the back of their heads were visible.
"Gotcha!" Joe whispered. "Time for the old smoke and a grab!"
Joe takes out a grenade that lands right on their table. At that moment smoke came out of it knocking the girls unconscious.
"Alright, I got them! Take that CIA, the police are way better than you, boy I haven't felt this way since I saw the Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader" Joe said.
Flashback
Joe, Bonnie, and Susie are in the movie theater.
"Joe, I don't think this movie is appropriate for Susie." Bonnie commented.
"Shh…"
"I mean it's sad seeing a boy becoming a dragon." Bonnie commented.
"Shh…"
"And that sea monster looks pretty scary." Bonnie commented.
"Mrs can you please stop talk?" the guy asked who was trying to shutting her up.
"Hey buddy can do me a favor and SHUT THE HELL UP? We're trying to watch movie, here." Joe said.
"Some people are just rude." Bonnie said.
End Flashback
The next afternoon in the Quahog police station Joe has the girls tied up in a burlap sack.
"You girls put up quite a fight but in the end lost. Should've known better than to fuck with Joseph Miriam Swanson" Joe cheers.
The Griffin family arrives.
"We got here as soon as you called, did you find her?" Lois asked.
"You better believe it. I caught her and Hayley Smith!" Joe said.
"Who's that?" Peter asked.
"A CIA agent's daughter and your daughter's accomplice" Joe replied.
"Really? We're doing crossovers now? Well it's a good thing I wrote those petitions last week, there's no way Meg's ever gonna have a show." Stewie said smug.
"Why does that even bother you?" Brian asked.
"Cause I have dreams Brian, dreams that Rupert and I will have our own sitcom. Just the two of use having fun." Stewie said imagining himself and a human sized Robert sharing a plate of spaghetti.
"That's never gonna happen!" Brian said.
"Yes it will, my Stewie fans told me so" Stewie said.
"I'll bet!" Brian said without a care.
Lois is untying the burlap sack.
"Megan Griffin, when we get home, you are in so much trouble. What the hell...you're not Meg" Lois said shocked.
Lois was right the on the money the two in the sack were neither Meg nor Hayley let alone girls. Instead they were two Asian dudes dressed in their clothes, the one in Meg's clothes was appears to be well fit in his forties, has brown hair and mustache. And the only next to him appears to be well fit in his forties as well, except his hair and mustache is black.
"Hi mommy and daddy. You found me." one said in a girly tone.
"Who are guys?" Chris asked.
"My name's Todd and this is my gay lover Brad." Todd told them.
"Joe, what the fuck? You told you us you had Meg!" Lois shouted.
"I did. Wait a minute they tricked me, damn it!" Joe shouted.
"You got that right, wheels. Your daughter asked me and my lover to disguise ourselves as her and that hippie girl. And after you supposedly caught us they'd escape" Bard said.
"Meg tricked us? Well the plot thins!" Stewie said.
Joe growls.
"Damn you, Meg GRIFFINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!" Joe yells into the sky.
"Hey Joe the chief wants to see you" a police officer said.
"Not now, I'm being dramatic at the moment." Joe said.
Back with the girls and Tommy they're driving on the open road.
"I can't believe we pulled it off!" Hayley said excited.
"Me either, at first I had doubts rather it would work or not. But I have to admit Meg; I was impressed with the way things played out." Tommy said.
"It was nothing really!" Meg said with a grin.
Flashback
Five minutes before Joe arrives.
"Now what?" Tommy asked.
Meg sees two Asian men in the corner chatting as they were both wearing matching European suits.
"Bingo!" Meg said.
They walk towards them.
"Hi there, I'm Meg and this is Hayley and Tommy."
"A pleasure to meet you, Meg. My name's Todd and this is my life partner Brad" Todd introduced.
"Hello!" Brad said waving his fingers.
"Listen, I need you guys to do us a huge favor!" Meg said.
"What is it?" Brad asked.
"There's a cop from my hometown, he's here to arrest us. And I was wondering if the two of you wouldn't mind disguising yourselves as me and Hayley, giving us enough time to leave town unnoticed." Meg explained her plan.
Neither Todd nor Brad was thrilled about the idea.
"Eww, you want us to do that?" Todd gags in a grossed tone.
"Why should we do you any favors? I bet you're only asking us because we're gay, well you can forget it" Brad said.
Meg starts fake crying!
"Please do it, for two lesbians and our love child" Meg cried.
"WHAT? Lesbians?!" Tommy freaked out, only for Hayley to shush him. She knows what Meg's planning to do, and played along.
"Yes, it's horrible our parents want let outs be together so ran we away from home" Hayley cried.
The expressions on Brad and Todd's faces changed with that statement.
"That's so sad! I'll do whatever I can to help" Brad said.
"Me too. We gays have to stick together otherwise we'd never be able to vote" Todd said.
"You mean it? Oh thank you, and remember don't say a word until after he captures you." Meg reminded.
"Don't worry if there's one Todd and I are good at besides pleasuring each other is acting" Brad said.
"You all skedaddle, we'll take care of things." Todd said.
With that Tommy and the girls fled out the building.
"Good luck!" Brad said.
End Flashback
"What'll we do now?" Hayley asked.
"I don't know. Continue to hide I guess" Meg said.
"But where are we go?" Hayley asked.
"Can we always go to the darkness, where I belong" Tommy said.
"No way, we're not going to Detroit" Meg said.
"I wasn't talking about Detroit. I meant the darkness, where the lost and forgotten are left alone" Tommy said.
"San Francisco? Hayley inquired
That's the place!' Tommy said.
"Wait, why is San Francisco such an ideal place?" Meg asked.
"Trust me when I say it's the perfect city to live in. That and I heard, they have a magic shop run by three evil witch sisters." Tommy said
"Isn't that a line from the Goosebumps book "Witch Shopping"? Hayley asked.
"It definitely is!"Tommy replied.
"What do you think about going to San Francisco, Hayley?" Meg asked.
"Not sure. I mean I've never even been there in my life, but what the heck lets go for it." Hayley said.
"Kick ass. I'm gonna paint the town in blood." Tommy cheered.
Hayley and Meg look at him strangely.
"It's a metaphor for, I'm going to like it there." Tommy explained.
"Uh-uh!" Hayley mumbles still giving her son a suspicious look. "Hang tight guys, our next stop San Francisco."
"And new possibilities Meg added.
"Yay!" the girls, and Tommy cheered.
End Chapter