Sub-Episode 2: "Half and Half"

A Sonichu Day

14 Brunchville Lane, CWCville, Virginia

10:30 a.m., March 25, 2008

Sonichu and Rosechu awoke to the gentle tweet-tweet of birds singing outside their bedroom window. Sunlight streamed into the room from outside, illuminating both lovehogs as they lay next to one another, cuddling beneath the sheets. Neither one truly wanted to be the first to speak and end their special moment together, but at last, Sonichu decided to start the day off right.

"Good morning, my lovely heartsweet," he said, and planted a soft kiss on his wife's cheek.

"Good morning, sweetbolt." Rosechu giggled and blushed as she remembered all the incredible fuzzy-wuzzies Sonichu had given her last night. Such power…such passion… She knew she'd be sore most of the day, but she didn't care. She was just happy to have a splendid husband like Sonichu and such lovely, beautiful children as Robbie, Cera, and Christine.

"I'll start breakfast, dear," she said, and rolled out of bed. She walked slowly, heel to toe, across the bedroom to the dresser and twirled around several times, making sure to give Sonichu a good long look at her perfect, naked body. She was finally beginning to feel comfortable walking around au natural again, knowing that she'd taught Jason Kendrick Howell and those nasty slanderous trolls at 4-cent_garbage a lesson they wouldn't soon forget.

If she really wanted to, she could have gone the entire day without getting dressed. It was a woman's right, after all - she'd proved that last November with the all-nude photo shoot she'd carried out with her Rosechu girlfriends. No more slanderous accusations about this woman having a duck, no sir! But that was beside the point. Today was a big day, and her sweetbolt had made plans to take her and the children to the park, to celebrate the good weather.

Breakfast came first, though.

Sonichu leaned back onto his pillow and watched his wife slowly pull on her panties, bra, dress, gloves, and boots. He felt like the luckiest Electric Hedgehog Pokémon in the world. His father had given him one heck of a great wife and one heck of a great life, and he wouldn't have it any other way. Now that Chris was trapped in the Time Void, though, the world just seemed a little emptier. It was Sonichu's sworn duty to make sure the homos and the jerks in the PVCC didn't get out of control while his father was away. But he couldn't do everything by himself. Sonichu knew the Chaotic Combo were more than capable of handling things during those special days when he couldn't be there to zap to the extreme and save CWCville.

And today was one of them – a day to share with his wonderful family.

"I'll be in the kitchen, sweetbolt," Rosechu called to him as she opened the bedroom door and skipped out. "Would you go get the children, please? I'll call you when breakfast's ready."

Sonichu yawned and stretched. The six-hour hanky-panky marathon last night had left him just a little worn out…and very hungry. He couldn't imagine how his wife must be feeling. Well, it didn't matter anyways. She'd always be ready for more, whenever and wherever he wanted it. Rosechu was an amazing girl, no doubt about it. And here she was making breakfast for the whole family again, just like she did every morning. Just like a good wife. He smiled and licked his lips as the delicious smells of fried eggs, bacon, and pancakes began filling the house.

Well, it was time to check up on the kids.

Christine was wide awake and staring into the mirror at the foot of her bed when her father walked into her room. She didn't even notice he was there until Sonichu picked her up and rocked her back and forth in his arms.

"Good mowning, Daddy!" she squealed in delight.

"Good morning, Christine!" replied her father, and gave her a quick kiss on the forehead. "Come on, let's go see what Mommy is making for us!"

"YAY! Bweakfast!" The shiny Rosey clapped her armstubs together as Sonichu carried her into the dining room and placed her in her high chair. Over by the stove, Rosechu glanced over her shoulder and smiled.

"Hello, Christine! Oh my, you look lovely today!"

"Hewwo Mommy!" Christine waved to her briefly, then focused her attention onto the back of her silver spoon. Mommy was right – she did look lovely today. But then again, of course, she looked lovely every day. She was a shiny Rosey, after all, and there was no one else as special or pretty or important as her in the whole wide world.

"Oh, did you know that we had a deep-fryer, dear?" asked Rosechu, rummaging around in the cabinet as Sonichu turned to fetch Cera.

"Yes! Don't you remember, heartsweet? Father gave it to us as a wedding present! Some of his favorite foods in the world are made with it."

"Oh no, I could never eat those." Rosechu shook her head. Salads were more the kind of food she preferred to eat. She had to keep a slim, ladylike figure, and all that fat would go straight to her hips. Then her sweetbolt wouldn't want her anymore! Of course, she still cooked all those other foods for Sonichu and the children.

Sonichu opened Cera's door to find his daughter already up and about. She had the family's copy of The Joy of Cooking propped up on the foot of her bed (it was almost as tall as she was) and was trying her best to flip the pages using her armstubs.

"Well well! So that's where it went!" exclaimed Sonichu as he picked his daughter up for a hug. "Good morning, Cera!"

"Hi, Daddy!" Cera hugged his arm. "I am weading about how ta be a mommy! Mommies cook wots of things, wight?"

"They sure do, sweetie," Sonichu said with a warm smile. "And when you grow up and find a nice husband of your own, I know you will cook lots of things for him too! Your mommy certainly does."

"I wuv Mommy! An I wuv you too, Daddy."

"And I love you, Cera. Let's get something to eat!"

"YAY!"

Sonichu seated her beside Christine and went to go get Robbie. The two sisters immediately started playing patty-cake. Rosechu looked up from a huge frying pan full of pancakes, bacon, and eggs, and smiled as she watched her daughters giggling and laughing at the table.

Robbie was still fast asleep when Sonichu came to check on him. The tiny Sonee lay half-buried in a pile of blankets with a big smile on his face, alternately giggling and letting off soft little snores. It looked like he was in the middle of some wonderful flight of fancy, but now it was time to get up. They had a big day ahead of them.

"Hey, partner!" Sonichu reached down and gently shook his son. Robbie yawned and opened his eyes.

"Awwwwwww, Daddeeeeeeeeeeeee," he whined and squeezed his eyes shut again as soon as he realized what had happened. "I was having fun…we were having da funny inna dweeeeeam."

"Well that's all right, sport, because we're going to have fun today!" said Sonichu excitedly. He lifted Robbie out of the bed and squeezed him tenderly. "Y'know where we're going?"

A few seconds passed as Robbie tried his hardest to remember. Suddenly, his doughy little face lit up like a Christmas tree. "Pawk! Wer goin' ta da pawk! YAY!"

"That's right." Sonichu grinned. "And we're going there right after breakfast. Let's get you into the kitchen…I mean, the dining room!" He felt Robbie clinging to his arm in a sort of pseudo-hug as he turned and walked back to join the rest of his family. What a spunky kid. Speedy, too. One day, he might even be as fast as me.

"Just in time, sweetbolt!" Rosechu walked over to the table as Sonichu and Robbie entered the dining room. She was wearing an apron and carried four plates piled high with delicious food. "Good morning, Robbie!"

"Good mowning, Mommy!" said Robbie. Sonichu placed him down next to Cera and gave Rosechu a peck on the cheek. She giggled and began setting out the plates in front of their respective owners. Christine got a stack of pancakes smothered in maple syrup, chocolate chips and powdered sugar, Cera got one pancake and a fried egg with lots of salt and pepper, Robbie got four pancakes, two eggs, a piece of chopped-up bacon, and a big baby bottle of CWC Cola, and Sonichu got the other bacon slices, a big stack of pancakes, and the other three eggs.

And health-conscious Rosechu had settled on a bowl of fresh fruit and a glass of skim milk.

"Kids? What do y'all say to Mommy?" asked Sonichu as he began pouring syrup onto his pancakes.

"Tank you, Mommy!" cried the three children, and hungrily started wolfing down their breakfast, making adorable om nom nom noises as they ate. Rosechu smiled, speared a bit of honeydew melon on her fork, and chewed it. She gave her husband's hand a loving squeeze.

"Our precious babies," she whispered in his ear. Sonichu kissed her quickly, then unfolded the morning edition of the CWCville News Dash. He glanced over the headlines while eating, until something on the third page caught his eye.

MASSACRE AT BEACH – JERKOP INVOLVEMENT SUSPECTED

CWCville Beach – EHPF forces were dispatched to the waterfront yesterday in response to reports of violence filed late in the afternoon by a human family who happened to witness the aftermath of a horrendous crime. Four Sonees and three Roseys were found savagely mutilated, with strong evidence that several of the baby chus had been tortured first. Forensic experts have determined that the killers were human – most likely members of the Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens terrorist organization carrying out a hate crime against the chu populace.

"It was absolutely disgusting and vile," commented Michael Snyder, a store manager at the Shopping Center who discovered the bodies with his wife and daughter during what was intended to be a fun-filled day at the beach. "The smell was horrendous, and they were all over the place. We're never coming back here until the chus learn to keep their offspring from wandering into public places by themselves." The rest of the Snyder family declined to comment.

Suspicions that Snyder, a notorious critic of Mayor Chandler, had committed the murders himself were quickly crushed when the forensic team discovered a single red-painted maple leaf - the trademark symbol of the PVCC - embedded halfway into a Rosey's…

"Daddy? Wassa ma-saw-cwee?" Robbie leaned over to look at the paper while sucking on his baby bottle of CWC Cola. Fortunately, the article had no pictures, so his precious little eyes were spared from any horrifying images of murdered children.

His father quickly closed the page and flipped to the comics section. "Look Robbie! Garfield!"

Robbie giggled and stuffed another mouthful of syrupy pancake down his throat. The mystery word had been completely forgotten. "Hee hee! Gawfeel's fat! Hee hee hee! Wasagnya!"

Sonichu handed the offending article to Rosechu. "GodJesus, we were just there for the Spring Break party! How could something like this even happen right where everyone could see it?"

Rosechu's face turned a few shades whiter as her eyes skimmed across the page. "Sweetbolt, I don't think we should go to the park today after all. What if the children wander off and…"

"We'll just have to make sure we keep a close eye on them," insisted Sonichu. "Don't worry, heartsweet! You know I'll always be there to zap any homos or Jerkops before they can even think about hurting our kids."

Rosechu finished her fruit and began sipping uneasily at the glass of milk. Over at the other end of the table, Christine was munching her way through the fluffy stack of pancakes, always pouring a new layer of syrup over each one before she ate it so she could admire herself in the puddles of sugary liquid. And why not? She was absolutely beautiful…truly a unique and special specimen of a Rosey.

"Pwease pass da sywup, Cwistine!" said Cera sweetly.

Christine sighed in annoyance and made one feeble attempt to push the bottle to her sister, but her tiny armstubs couldn't fit around the large container. Well, at least she could see her face in the reflective plastic while she tried.

"Daddeeeeeeee, da sywup's too heawy," she complained. Sonichu gladly reached across the table and slid the syrup bottle over to Cera, who gleefully tipped it over and began saturating her own pancakes.

When they'd finally finished eating and Rosechu had cleared away the dishes like the dutiful wife she was, Sonichu opened the garage door and brought the car around to the front.

"OOOHHHHH! My axels!" he grunted in a deep voice as Rosechu carried the children out to the car and buckled each of them into their special seats. Robbie and Cera giggled at their Daddy's funny Family Guy joke. Christine simply gazed up into the rearview mirror in silence. Rosechu opened the front door and sat down in her passenger seat, as usual. She never needed to drive – that was what her sweetbolt was here for.

Sonichu started the car and tuned the radio to KCWC. Jamsta's voice blasted through the car, much to the delight of Cera, Robbie, and Christine.

"…and I say again, zip-a-dee-do-dah, zip-a-dee-ay, my oh my, it's an abso-tively wonderful day! So to all you guys and gals out there with nothin' to do, now's the time to get up, get out, and get jiggy with it! Lolisa, what would you say is the best thing to do on such an amazing day?"

"Well Jamsta, the Park's always great for families and kids, but me? Well, you all know I was just there a few days ago, but I just can't get enough of CWCville Beach! It's got sun, sand, volleyball courts…"

Murdered children, thought Sonichu in the back of his mind as he pulled the car out into the street and began driving toward CWCville Park.

"…and above all, don't be discouraged by what you hear on the news!" continued Lolisa. "Rest assured, we've been told the EHPF is keeping a very close eye on any suspicious characters around town. And as always, everyone here at KCWC sends their hopes and prayers for the safe return of Mayor Christian Weston Chandler."

"Amen to that, Lolisa. Well, that's our two cents…or should I say…four-cents?" snickered Jamsta in an odd random-access reference to the incident in Tennessee. "Coming up, we've got one of the Mayor's personal favorites by the one, the only, THE Britney Spears! Hope you're ready to turn up the heat, 'cause here's 'Break the Ice!'"

"YAY!" The children began humming along in the backseat as the pop song started playing. Sonichu chuckled at their sweet little voices. For a few blissful minutes, he didn't need to worry about any nasty Jerkops or lecherous homos trying to murder or corrupt his kids. He was here, with his lovely Rosechu, his beautiful daughters, and his spunky, energetic son, about to enjoy a wonderful afternoon at the park.

CWCville Park was already full of people who had come out to enjoy this gorgeous spring day with their families and friends. Sonichu looked out the window as he pulled the car into his special reserved parking place right next to the entrance. There weren't any other Electric Hedgehog Pokémon as far as he could tell, but that was all right. He had Rosechu and three wonderful children, and that was more than enough to keep him happy for the rest of his life.

Sonichu turned off the car and unlocked the doors. "Hey everybody, we're here!"

"YAY!" cried Robbie, Cera, and Christine.

Once Rosechu had removed the kids from the the car and extracted a huge picnic basket from the trunk that she'd packed earlier, Sonichu led his family up the path to the park entrance, holding hands with his wife while she cradled Christine in her other arm and carried the basket with her free hand. On the ground, Robbie waddled in circles around Cera as they all approached the park gate. There was quite a long line of people waiting to purchase their day passes (there used to be free admission before Father started having problems managing his tugboat), but since they were the true and original Sonichu and Rosechu, the two lovehogs and their children could go right through the VIP entrance and enter CWCville Park free of charge.

Paying no regard to the hate-filled stares he was receiving from the general admission line, Sonichu sauntered right up to the electricity-sensitive gate, unlocked it with a spark, and held it open for Rosechu and the kids before following them in. He made sure to close and lock the gate behind him so no greedy jerks could sneak in without paying the tugboat tax.

"I wanna go explowing da jungal like Unca Wyuld!" said Robbie excitedly as they strolled down the path to the picnic area.

"I wanna pway on da swings!" said Cera.

Christine said nothing. Her blue eyes were firmly fixed on the small lake nearby. It was more than obvious what she wanted to do.

Sonichu laughed. "Okay, kids. We'll be at one of the picnic tables over there. Y'all be careful, now, and don't go getting in any trouble."

"We won't, Daddy," chorused the children, and immediately wandered off toward their respective destinations, giggling and cheering with delight.

"Don't forget to come back for lunch in half an hour!" Rosechu called after them. She turned to her husband concernedly. "Do you think they will be all right on their own, sweetbolt?"

"What kind of father would I be if I let my own kids get into any sort of danger?" Sonichu answered with a dismissive smile. "I am the true and original Electric Hedgehog Pokémon, remember? I'm faster than any Jerkop and I will zap them all if they try anything. Now let's go find a table, heartsweet."

At the pond, Christine slid down the grassy incline to the water's edge and shivered with delight as her feet touched the cool liquid. She waded out up to the hem of her skirt and gleefully looked down at her reflection.

There she was. Even through the ripples on the surface, she was still a beautiful, shiny Rosey, perfect and unique and special in every way. Christine loved to come down to the CWCville Park pond and look at herself for hours at a time. It was like standing in one big wet mirror. She would spend the rest of her life here, if she didn't need to eat or sleep. Christine sometimes wished that her Aunt Bubbles could teach her to swim like her when she was a Rosey, but Bubbles was always busy fighting the big mean Jerkops with her Daddy and her other aunts and uncles in the Chaotic Combo. Still, at least Christine had this pond to herself…

"Ribbit."

Startled, Christine looked up to see a pair of beady eyes staring up at her from the surface of the water. She toddled over a few steps to see what they were attached to and discovered a little green frog sitting on the muddy ground, half submerged in the pond. It gazed at her for a few seconds, then croaked again.

"Ribbit."

"Fwoggy!" cried Christine, raising her armstubs to catch it. The tiny frightened amphibian immediately darted into a patch of reeds, kicking its long legs behind it as it swam away from this giant intruder as fast as it could. Christine was not the type to give up so easily, though.

"Come back, fwoggy! I jus' wanna pway wif you!" she whined, and set off after her reluctant new friend.

From the reeds, a much larger pair of eyes watched the purple Rosey intently.

Giggling with excitement, Cera shuffled her way up to the swingset. There were a few human children playing around nearby under the watchful eyes of their parents, but none of them seemed too interested in her. She didn't mind. All she wanted was Mommy, Daddy, and her two siblings…as well as that nice boy from AnneWeston Elementary. Kevin…that's what his name was. She'd been meaning to invite him over for Christmas one of these years, but since he was Jewish, she didn't know how exactly to ask him. Maybe Jews were allergic to Christmas trees. Or cookies.

Cera reached the swing and batted it with her armstubs, trying to coax it back toward her so she could pull herself up. Wow. This was a lot harder than it looked. Normally Mommy or Daddy would have helped her into the seat, but they were over by the picnic table rubbing their faces together. She didn't want to disturb them, but on the other hand, she really wanted to get on that swing.

"Unf! Ugh! Unh!" she panted, hopping up and down like a tiny pink bunny rabbit. Her stumpfeet only allowed her a limited range of movement, though, and even her mightiest leap never took her more than one inch off the ground. Eventually, the stress of her little jumps proved to be too much for her to handle. Winded, sweaty, and gasping for breath, Cera plopped herself down on the grass next to the wood chips and folded her arms in annoyance. She wanted that swing, and it wasn't budging for her like she wanted it to. She'd just sit here and wait for Mommy or Daddy or someone else to come help her, as usual…

Two children - a boy and a girl – appeared out of the blue beside Cera. Both were more than twice her size, but in human years, they couldn't have been much older than eight or nine. The girl had curly blond hair and glasses, and the boy had short black hair, but something seemed to be wrong with his skin. It was dark brown, not like normal human skin.

"You're pretty, little Rosey!" exclaimed the blond girl. "What's your name?"

"Tank you," said Cera. "I'm Cewah! My Mommy an Daddy are da twoo an owiginal Sonichu an Wosechu, an my gwampa's da mayor of CWCville! Gwampa's on vacay-shun now dough."

The kids glanced at each other. Neither of them could tell what on earth she was talking about.

"Are you made of chocowate?" Cera continued, looking at the brown-skinned kid.

The boy looked confused. "No. Are you made of bubblegum?"

"Tee hee hee! You'we funny! Hee hee!" Cera giggled. "An you're all dark wike chocowate! Awe you a shiny wike my sister Chwistine?"

"What's a shiny?" asked the boy. "My skin's just like my mom and dad's is. Everyone's the same color as their mom and dad."

"My sister Chwistine's a shiny Wosey, an she's puwple! Mommy's pink wike me!" Cera beamed as the two children looked at each other in puzzlement. "Wets be fwiends! You can push me on da swing an…an I'll give you wots of Wespect Points!"

"Okay!" said the girl, and bent down to pick her up. She squeezed Cera like a big stuffed animal. "Ooo, you're cuddly! Where'd you get your pretty dress?"

"Mommy awways gets me an Chwistine da pwettyest dwesses at da Shopping Centew becawse dey wuv us an we'we pwetty Woseys," said Cera with smug pride. The girl kept hugging her, but her smile faded. She herself wore a pair of worn, dirty overalls and a yellowed shirt that her father had salvaged from a dumpster next to CWCville's giant Wal-Mart.

"Mom says we can't afford pretty dresses," she mumbled. "Not after Daddy lost his job. We've all got to live in a hotel, but sometimes we can't get in, and we have to sleep outside in the cold."

"I'm gwad my Daddy's da weader of da Cay-o-tic Combow an we get tugboats fwom da city," the spoiled Rosey replied, not even bothering to sympathize with her new friend. "Den Mommy can buy us awl da pwetty dwesses we w-"

"MARCIE! WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT THING?"

Cera turned to see four adult humans running towards them. Two were chocolate, like the boy. All looked unbelievably alarmed by something. Maybe there was some kind of danger she didn't know about! Well, that was okay. Daddy would come and save her and her new friends from any…

"Mommy, this is Cera," explained Marcie as the adults dashed up to her. "She's all pink like bubblegum and soft like a teddy bear. Isn't she cute?"

"Marcie…that's a Rosey," replied the normal-skinned man. "Put it down, now. I don't want you anywhere within twenty feet of a chu ever again, do you understand? Do you know how filthy those things are?"

"I am not filfy!" cried Cera indignantly. "My Mommy's da owiginal Wosechu, an she gives me baffs evewy day so I'm nice an cwean! I wanna pway with Mawcee an wide on da swings an…"

"Shut up, you disgusting furball," snarled the chocolate woman. "Your mother's a goddamn slut and your father's a murderer. Jeremy, come here. Don't touch the Rosey. Come to Mommy."

"Bye," said Jeremy as he walked over to his parents. Cera waved goodbye and smiled, oblivious to the looks of revulsion she was getting from the adult humans.

"Bye-bye, Jewemy! Are we going on da swings, Mawcee?"

"Marcie, put that Rosey down," the blond woman ordered. "Do you want to get a time-out?"

"I want to play with her!" whined the girl. "Please, Mommy?"

"NO! Now put her down or we're all going to be in…"

"WHAT ARE Y'ALL DOING TO MY DAUGHTER?" a familiar voice bellowed.

Cera squealed in delight. "Daddy!"

Robbie pushed his way through a leafy bush in the small forested area of CWCville Park, imagining he was off on one of Uncle Wild's jungle adventures. So far, there had been no savage Charmeleon clans to battle or coconut trees to climb, but he was having fun nonetheless.

"Wheeeeee!" the Sonee squealed as he struggled to heave his chubby body over a large (for him) rock. "I'm a hedgehowg, not a spidewr monkee! Vine Wip! Wazor Weaf! Psheew! Psheew!"

After a few minutes of waddling around aimlessly making similar noises, Robbie leaned against a tree to catch his breath. He was going to be as fast as Daddy one day, but for now, his woefully underdeveloped body simply couldn't handle the stress of so much physical activity. His fur was soaked in sweat, and his tiny lungs were now running at maximum overdrive. Also, he needed to pee, badly. All that CWC Cola he'd chugged down at breakfast had finally run its course.

Something small and green flashed through the undergrowth. Robbie looked down to see a tiny lizard perched on one of the tree's roots, gazing interestedly at him through yellow eyes with black slit pupils.

"Go 'way!" he cried, and waved his armstubs at the reptile. The lizard didn't move.

"I said go 'way!" Robbie repeated. "It's wude ta wawtch! Leemee 'lone!"

The lizard only licked one of its eyes and twitched its head to the side. Impatient, stressed, and desperate to relieve himself, Robbie leaned forward and felt his tiny, crooked pickle slide out of its protective flap like Daddy had taught him to do when he needed to go wee-wee or "do hanky-panky" with Rosechus once he evolved. Waddling a few steps toward the root, he grinned and unleashed a yellow stream of urine directly into the lizard's face.

"Take dat, wizzard!" he shouted.

Shaking its head from side to side, the little reptile endured the revolting blast of warm liquid for a few seconds, then hissed at its tormentor and scampered off to find a new sunning spot with fewer intrusive baby chus.

Robbie finished urinating and tilted himself back to let his pickle retract. He felt a lot better now, and anyway, it was time for more exploring! Giggling, he wiggled his stubby tail and pretended it was a big leaf-rotor like Uncle Wild used to fly around and help Daddy and the Chaotic Combo fight the big bad Jerkops.

"Wheeeeee! Wook owt, Mawy Wee Wawsh! Wook owt, Jewk-ops! Wobbie Sonee's hewe ta save da day! Wheeeeeeee!"

"Hello, Christine."

Christine tripped and fell forward in the shallows, missing the fleeing frog by a good six inches. Soaked and spluttering, the shiny Rosey stood back up and wiggled around in an attempt to shake herself off. Now she was all wet! She couldn't be a pretty Rosey with this nasty yucky pond water all over her!

"Who's dere?" she asked, less concerned about the voice in her head than the mess of duckweed and silt that coated the front of her dress.

"Come closer. It's just me."

Brushing herself off, Christine toddled toward the big clump of reeds. Something was moving inside them, making them shake back and forth. Curious, she stepped between two of the large stalks to see what was causing the peculiar motion.

"Unca Magi-Chan!" she squealed in delight as she recognized the stranger's cloven ear-tufts.

"Hello, pretty Rosey!" said Magi-Chan with a big smile. He reached out and patted Christine on the head. "How are your mommy and…heh…your daddy doing?"

"Dey wuv me 'cawse I'm a shiny Wosey!" exclaimed Christine, and wrapped her armstubs around her uncle's knee. She looked up at him and batted her eyelashes, since that was what pretty Rosechus were supposed to do to handsome Sonichus. "Mommy says I'm pwetty an speshul an dere's no one ewse wike me in da wowld!"

"Mmhmm. Your mommy's right." The psychic Electric Hedgehog Pokémon smiled again, but this time, it wasn't aimed at her, and it certainly didn't seem like a loving smile…more of a knowing smirk. His eyes were lost in the distance, leering at a faraway pink shape by a picnic table. "Your mommy and I…well, we both know how special you are. You sweet, sweet, beautiful little Rosey." He picked her up and hugged her close against his furry chest. "I just want you to know how much I love you, Christine. You've always been my favorite niece."

"I wuv you too, Unca Magi-Chan! You'we da best unca in da wowld!"

"Yes…" Magi-Chan held out his niece to inspect her more closely. "GodJesus, you're pretty. You're just so pretty."

"An I'm shiny!" Christine twisted around to give him a better look at her and fluffed her headspikes like Mommy always did around Daddy. She wanted Magi-Chan to admire her and appreciate her for the pretty shiny Rosey that she was.

"Yes…shiny too," her uncle finished hesitantly. "All right, Christine. I've got to get back to my job…uh…watching out for…homos, so you take care and tell your brother and sister I said hi." He placed her down on the shore and chuckled softly to himself, as if he knew something Christine didn't. "And be sure and tell your mommy, too."

"An Daddy!"

"Sure, that too. Goodbye, Christine." Magi-Chan placed a finger on his temple, and the air around him seemed to distort. With a frightened ribbit, the little frog burst out of the water and hovered over to the Rosey, borne aloft by a surge of psychic energy.

"Tank you, Unca Magi-Chan!" giggled Christine as she clamped her armstubs shut around the wriggling, terrified amphibian. "YAY! Gotcha, fwoggy! Now we can pway togevver!"

When she looked up again, the purple Sonichu was gone, vanished into thin air. Smiling, Christine waddled up the bank with her new captive, cooing softly to it.

"An now we'we gonna pway pwetty pwincess! You were da pwincess, but dat nasty wich Mawy Wee Wawsh tuwned you into a fwoggy. Now we gotta find you a pwince to bweak da spe-"

"AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Christine nearly tripped in shock as an agonized scream and the sound of electricity echoed across the park. She reflexively clenched her armstubs together (ignoring a soft crunch from within), shook her head in annoyance as the sound faded, then went right back to talking with her friend.

"So fiwst we gotta find you da pwince, den we gotta dwess you up wike a pwincess and make you look all pwetty! And den we…fwoggy, awe you wistening ta me? Why awe you asweep? We'we pwaying pwetty pwincess!" She stomped her foot in irritation and shook the lifeless frog up and down. "FWOGGY! WISTEN TA ME! I WANNA PWAY PWETTY PWINCESS!"

ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!

Cera wailed and hugged Sonichu's leg tightly as bolts of lightning leapt from Marcie to Jeremy to their parents in turn, arcing over their skin and leaving black scorch marks where they struck. The two human families shuddered violently as electricity coursed through their bodies, unable to move, unable to do anything but scream until the Thundershock attack ended and they collapsed smoking to the ground. Marcie's beautiful green eyes met the Rosey's for a split second before they melted into twin pools of pink and white jelly.

"WAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" bawled Cera as her friends twitched and lay limp and still beside their parents. Sonichu let out a sigh of relief, wiped a bead of sweat from his brow, and bent down to pick up his crying daughter. She was hanging on so tight that he had to pry her armstubs loose from his leg.

"Wow, that was scary, huh Cera?" he asked comfortingly, patting her on the back. "Good thing I was here to zap those homos and niggos to the extreme! Couldn't have them hurting my little princess!"

"Dose wewen't homos an niggos, Daddy," Cera sniffed. "Dose were my fwiends an Jewemy was a shiny! They wanted ta pway with me! Why'd you kiwl dem?"

"I…I did not kill them," insisted Sonichu, turning around to conceal the bodies from Cera. "They were being bad, so I made them go to sleep. They'll wake up in a few hours and then they'll be all better! Come on, let's get you back to Mommy. It's almost lunchtime!"

"But what about Mawcee's eyes?"

"We'll get her to the hospital so they can fix her up!" Sonichu assured her, and began carrying her toward the picnic table. "Everything'll be fine, sweetie! Let's go eat, huh? Mommy made you a nice peanut butter and marshmallow sandwich!"

"YAY! FWUFFERNUDDER!"

In less than a second, all of Cera's concern for Marcie and her memories of the last few minutes had been completely replaced by joy and anticipation for her delicious sandwich.

"Oof!"

Robbie tripped and fell, tumbling out of the woods back into the grassy clearing where Daddy had said lunch would be. His tummy was growling like a rabid Mightyena, and he wanted Mommy to make him a sandwich now. All of his exploring and adventures in the park forest had nearly worn him out.

There was still a lot he could do today, though. Maybe he'd crash into slumber for an hour or two after lunch, then go and play with his sisters or eat another sandwich if he was hungry, or maybe…no, better yet, he'd ask Daddy to show him how to run without tripping so much. Daddy never tripped, and he was related to Uncle Sonic, the fastest thing alive! He loved listening to his father talk about all the zappin' adventures he'd had with the Combo and Grandpa Chris, especially the stories where he ran really fast. Robbie would always cheer at those parts, and Sonichu would always smile and ruffle his son's soft little headspikes tenderly, then assure Robbie that once he grew up, he would have some zappin' adventures of his own.

For now, though, Robbie was still a few dozen yards from the picnic area, and he definitely wasn't going to get there lying down in the grass.

Groaning in hunger and exhaustion, the Sonee pushed himself back upright and began waddling across the field as quickly as his stumpfeet could carry him…which was really not that fast at all. Blades of grass brushed and poked his sides as he began picking up more and more speed. His little blue sneakers were nearly a blur now, just like Daddy's when he ran. All this hard work and all the stress was really paying off! He knew he was getting faster every day, and one day, he'd be as fast as…

"Oof!"

Robbie tripped again, sprawling forward onto his rumbling stomach. Fortunately for him, his ample supply of baby fat protected him from suffering any significant injuries. Pushing himself up once more, he looked down and noticed that his belly fur was covered in grass stains. He giggled. Now he was turning green, just like Uncle Wild was! Undiscouraged by his fall, the excited Sonee continued on his way, eager to taste the delicious sandwiches Mommy had packed for lunch. He hoped she'd brought a peanut butter and jelly one for him. He loved peanut butter and jelly.

He could see his father walking towards the table with Cera cradled in his arms. Robbie felt a little stab of frustration creep into his heart as he watched. He was tired and hungry, so why couldn't Daddy carry him instead of his sister? All the stress was making him trip and fall. He just wanted to lie down and have Mommy bring him a sandwich like she did at home. But he kept on going nonetheless, spurred on by the hopes of a waiting meal. Hunger motivated Robbie more than anything else in the world, and anyway, Daddy kept telling him he was a growing boy, and he needed to eat a lot if he wanted to get as big and strong and fast as him.

Behind Sonichu, near the swingset, was a large truck with the letters EHPF stenciled on the side. More Sonichus and humans, both wearing an assortment of bulky clothing, were tossing large bags into the cargo bay. Two of the bags appeared to be much smaller than the others, but Robbie had no idea what was in them. Maybe it was food. He loved food.

"Robbie!" exclaimed Rosechu as he waddled up to her and hugged her shin. "Baby, what happened to you? You're all dirty!"

"I was explowing in da jungal, Mommy! An I wan weal fast, jus like Daddy! An den I fownd dis wizzard by a twee, an I wizzed on it, cause it was bein' wude! An den I pwetended I was Unca Wild fighting da Jewk-ops, an Mawy Wee Wawsh was dere, an da Cay-o-tic Combow, an Daddy too, an Gwampa Chwis! An den we won, an den I twied ta wun sum mowe, but I twipped a wot, an den I got all stwessed an hungwy. Can you make me a samwich?"

"Of course I can, honey!" Rosechu smiled, licked her finger, and rubbed a smudge of dirt off Robbie's face. He giggled and batted her hand away, embarrassed by this unwanted attention. Rosechu picked up her tiny son and placed him down on top of the table just as Sonichu arrived with Cera, and Christine returned from the pond with a limp little frog clutched in her armstubs.

"Hello again, heartsweet!" said Sonichu, and set his daughter next to Robbie.

"Fwuffernudder!" Cera exclaimed, and began gesturing excitedly to the picnic basket.

"Can fwoggy eat wif us?" asked Christine, and held out her new friend.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" shrieked Rosechu, and knocked the dead amphibian out of Christine's grasp with her tailbolt. "Christine, don't you ever touch those dirty things again! Come here, baby." She picked up the purple Rosey and squirted some hand sanitizer onto her armstubs. Christine giggled as Rosechu rubbed in the gel, having instantly forgotten about the frog.

"Daddeeeeeeeeee!" Robbie whined impatiently. "I'm hungwy! I wanna samwich now!"

"Here you go, partner!" Sonichu reached into the picnic basket and withdrew a peanut butter and jelly sandwich wrapped in a napkin.

"YAY!" squealed Robbie, and immediately began devouring the sandwich. His tiny toothless jaws could only bite off a little bit at a time, but he more than made up for it in the speed at which he ate. As wobbly and prone to tripping as he was when trying to run, he was incredibly fast when it came to eating. Daddy had once taken him out to breakfast at Country Cookin' with Grandpa Chris, Uncle Punchy, and Aunt Angelica, and he'd devoured half a tray of sausages before Grandpa stopped him and told him that too many sausages turned Sonees into homos. At the time, Robbie had no idea what a homo even was, but he'd switched to annihilating the buffet's supply of hash browns nevertheless.

"FWUFFERNUDDER!" shouted Cera, and promptly received the food of her dreams from her mother. Christine got a sticky sweet jelly-and-honey sandwich on cinnamon raisin swirl bread. As for the two adult lovehogs, Sonichu had an enormous double-layer ham-and-cheese melt with a side of kettle chips and a bottle of CWC Cola, and Rosechu was content with a quarter of a tuna salad sandwich and a tiny salad she'd packed in a Tupperware container.

"What happened to Cera?" she asked her husband as they watched their children nibbling away at their sandwiches adorably. "I heard shouting…was she hurt?"

Sonichu shook his head and munched on a handful of chips. "Just some jerks trying to spoil her fun. I taught them a lesson."

Rosechu smiled and took his hand. "You're such a good father. I love you, sweetbolt."

Sonichu smiled and kissed his wife, then turned to Robbie. "I love you too, heartsweet. Hey partner, why don't you tell me about all the adventures you had today!"

"YEAH!"

Far across CWCville, six new bodies joined a Feeding Day pile in the abandoned zone.

The Obligatory Beach Episode

CWCville, PVCC Menchi-Nasu HQ, Honey Badger barracks

10:30 a.m., March 24, 2008

"Spring Break 2008. Motherfuckers." Al scoffed and switched the TV over to the Family Guy channel. It was the mayor's censored version, but anything was better than watching Mary Poppins again or FQX News with Greta Squall. All the networks had been covering or recapping the events of the big beach party that Chandler had thrown for his chu friends and other high-up loyalists, and it was making him absolutely sick.

"Anything on the pirate channels?" Steve asked as he crashed down on the barracks couch beside the Legend and adjusted his new eye patch. "I heard a rumor they managed to get Robocop."

Al flicked over to R-SIST and FMNC (Free Movie Network of CWCville). He was greeted with scenes from Casablanca and Spaceballs – two great classic films that had been playing steadily for the past few weeks, interspersed with a few more recent acquisitions like 300 (Steve's current favorite) and I Am Legend. Smugglers regularly risked life and limb to get luxuries like non Chandler-approved DVDs and outlawed Xbox 360s (plus games) into the city, and the PVCC were always willing to help them out… if they got first pick of the merchandise, that is.

"No dice. Looks like you're going to have to go with either Rick Blaine or Lone Starr again."

"Damn." Steve mulled both options over in his mind. "Let's go with Spaceballs."

"Any more news on the recovery front, Al?" Zoey asked as she stepped into the barracks.

Al shook his head. "Nope. Let's not talk about it, all right? Everyone's scared enough as it is. I've heard enough talk about face-raping and Incredible Lionesses for a lifetime."

"Agreed." Steve chuckled as Spaceball One entered Ludicrous Speed on the TV. "Al, I don't think you told me the schedule for today. We going out on the evening patrol slot like usual?"

"No, there seems to be a blank spot for us today, courtesy of the administration." Al leaned back and scratched his chin beneath the welding mask. "Think it's a day off. Might get some more work done on the Battle Bus, or maybe start working on that kukri longsword you wanted."

"Kukri…longsword?" Zoey looked at Steve with something resembling either awe or fear. "Steve, your regular one chops off Sparky heads. How much more of a kukri do you need?"

"One can never have enough kukri," muttered Steve. "So how'd the whole Spring Break thing go down? What happened to Silvana?"

"They took the entire beachfront," replied Al bitterly. "Couple days of the chus playing, swimming, singing, fucking, stuff like that. Master race shenanigans. Silvana tried seducing Blake, but Magi-Chan blew her cover. Figures. It all ended with some horrible concert by that abomination Chandler made out of Blanca's Jigglypuff and some loyalist pop star who dressed up to impersonate her. I heard she ran out of the White Medallion barracks five seconds after the first song started playing and they found her in the shower, crying and scrubbing at her ears."

"I don't blame her. Was that this 'War of Love' horseshit I keep hearing bits of on KCWC?"

"Why would you ever want to listen to KCWC?" asked Zoey in disbelief.

"Enemy propaganda and current events," muttered Steve. "Believe me, I wish there was a better way. Well, there's TV, but I prefer having only one of my six senses assaulted and raped."

"What's the sixth? Common sense?"

"No, it's comm-" Steve frowned. "Wait, how the hell did you…"

"Attention. Attention. Albert Ledger and Steve Morrison, report immediately to the main briefing room for squad assignment."

"About damn time," the Legend growled. Steve and Al rose to exit the room, allowing Zoey to quickly slide in and claim the entire couch for herself.

"What are you thinking it's gonna be?" asked Steve as they left the barracks, passing Amanda on their way out. "I'm guessing it's probably something about Howell or 4-cent."

"I don't know," replied Al. "Whatever it is, it's important enough to interrupt our day off. Let's go find out so I can get back to the forge."

Ten minutes later, Menchi-Nasu practice yard

"Here's the windup…" Jexis narrowed her eyes and tilted back her cap as she tensed himself for the throw. "And…the pitch!"

"SONEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-"

WHACK!

Allie swung Kuri's weighted hockey stick and caught the airborne feral a mighty blow directly to its stomach and groin. It shrieked in pain and sailed away into the sky before falling through an open window on the second floor of the high school and straight into the Red Devils' barracks.

"It's going! It's going! IT'S A HOME RUN!" she cheered, jumping for joy as both Matt and Kevin rounded the bases toward home plate. "5-2, and the Burninators take the lead!"

"QUIT HITTING FERALS INTO OUR BARRACKS, YOU IDIOTS!" one of the Red Devils yelled from the window, and chucked the Sonee back down. Matt dashed forward as he touched home plate and caught the improvised ball in his arms before it smashed to bits on the ground.

"Then CLOSE YOUR WINDOW!" Kuri shouted back.

"CHU-EATER!" yelled the Jerkop, and slammed his window shut.

Kuri chuckled. "Jealous much? Bet he's never even tasted one. I think someone's asking for a little 'mystery meat' to fall into his chili tomorrow."

The Honey Badgers broke out in a fit of giggles. Serge's laughter drowned them all out. "HAHAHA! Is good, little blue girl!"

"Damn straight, Big Bear," Kuri replied with a grin. "Hey, anybody seen Al or Steve since breakfast?"

"Last I heard, they were watching TV with Zoey," Kevin said. "Hey, I think I'm up to bat now."

"Okay, but I'm giving you a curveball this time," warned Jexis as Matt tossed her the writhing Sonee. "And here's number 3 of the Burninators, Kevin Shaw, stepping up to the plate for his third at-bat today! The crowd's gone wild! Does this rookie have what it takes to…"

"Rookie? Rookie? Technically, I've been here for four years," replied Kevin indignantly. "Just pitch it already, Cadet."

"…and Shaw appears to be trying to argue temporal physics with the opposing team's pitcher, which will most likely result in immediate disqualification if he persists," continued Jexis without pausing. "The lovely and talented pitcher Jexis readies her throw. Here's the windup…"

"Cease fire!" yelled Zoey as she walked across the practice yard toward the crude baseball diamond. "Jexis, either stow that chu or give it to Sugar. Al and Steve just called an emergency meeting in the barracks."

"What? What's it about?" asked Matt.

"Whatever it is, they're not telling me." Zoey frowned and pointed to the door. "Inside. Now."

Kevin sighed. He was getting a little annoyed with all these emergency meetings of late. First the attack on 4-cent_garbage, then the Spring Break celebration (he was still waking up in cold sweats to terrifying dreams of face-raping Rosechus in bikinis), now this. If this wasn't something really, really important, he felt like he was going to go crazy.

When everyone had assembled in the Honey Badger barracks, Steve rose from his chair to face them. A grim look marred his face, and his light blue eyes seemed even colder than usual as he stared at each Jerkop in turn. Kevin noticed he was wearing his kukri.

"My friends," Steve addressed the group in a solemn voice. "As you know, we've been through many trials and tribulations over these past few months. We've literally traveled through time. We walked out of the Warp alive. And unfortunately, we've suffered a major blow to morale, and one of our finest administrators is now recovering from a near-lethal vagina to the face."

Jexis bit her lip to stifle a giggle. The actual events of Rosechu's attack on Jason Kendrick Howell were actually kind of funny out of context, but no one dared to say that out loud.

"But we must stand strong in these dark times," continued Steve. "We must look forward unflinchingly, we must brace ourselves against the coming tide, and most importantly, we must always remember that we…mmmff…we mmfffHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Kevin and the rest of the Honey Badgers looked on in astonishment as their squad leader nearly collapsed from laughing so hard.

"Goddamn it, Steve, don't tell me you couldn't last thirty fucking seconds!" yelled Zoey as she stepped out of the sleeping room with a large duffel bag slung over her shoulder.

"Take that out of context, Zo, and that sentence might have really offended me," Steve managed to reply through tears of laughter. He quickly straightened up and smiled at his squad. "Okay, as you might have heard, we've been given a special assignment. You see, in the wake of this whole Spring Break event, the entire CWCville waterfront remains unsecured by PVCC forces. Each of the squads is being sent in on a specific day to conduct…uh…surveys, and to secure and make use of any entertainment-related equipment the chus may have left behind."

"They're sending us to the beach?" asked Amanda flatly.

Steve glared at her. "Yes. They're sending us to the beach. Where we will party. Is that clear?"

"SIR, YES SIR!" Amanda stepped forward and promptly saluted, playing right along with Steve's game. "Request permission to bring alternate uniform for aquatic traversal!"

Zoey sighed and tossed Steve another duffel bag. "Yeah, we've got swimsuits for everyone. Just keep trying them on until you find one that fits. Girls, follow me to the lockers. Boys, stay here."

Matt grinned and raised his hand. "Uh, you do know we've all had to shower in front of ea-"

Zoey narrowed her eyes. "I said stay here, Matt. Don't make me pull rank on you."

"Right. Sorry."

"You heard her." Steve held up a pair of knee-length dark blue swim trunks with white trim as the women filed out of the barracks. "Dibs on these. They're mine, after all. Sorry guys, you'd better hope that none of you gets the Speedo that Zoey threw in there."

Kevin gulped. "WHAT?"

Steve grinned. "Don't worry, Al only agreed to let her do that if he got to do something along those lines for the girls. Now pack your bags for the beach. We leave in half an hour."

45 minutes later, CWCville Beach

The Battle Bus pulled into the deserted road next to a secluded area of the beach, belching exhaust into the cool coastal air as it rumbled and slowed to a halt in a large patch of packed dirt and gravel. The parking spot was just big enough to fit the entire vehicle, and came complete with a heavy curtain of palm trees on both sides to hide it from prying eyes.

Down on the sand, Kevin could see what looked like a volleyball court and net, a few abandoned folding chairs, and a good mess of trash strewn here and there across the beach…remnants of the debauchery that had taken place several days earlier. Apart from the rubbish, it looked like a fantastic place for the Honey Badgers to spend their own little Spring Break – a quiet strip of sand with full sun exposure and an excellent view of the ocean. Further down were the main beaches full of vacationing families, but the Jerkops had no intention of disturbing their fun.

Today was a day to spend in each other's company, a day to simply relax and forget about the horrors they'd witnessed in their time fighting for the PVCC. There were no chus to kill here, no loyalist mercenaries to fight, no Chandler, nothing but the beach and the sun and their friends.

"Ay carumba," Nick muttered to Steve as Matt pulled the brake and wheeled open the bus doors. "If you weren't squad leader, I probably would've killed you for even making this stupid deal. Hell, I might still kill you. No one's gonna take me seriously anymore after today."

"For the last time, I went through them all," replied Steve coldly, though the hint of a smile played around the corners of his mouth. "What you get is what you get. Sorry, amigo. Remember, you don't have to show it off." He rose from his seat and followed Jexis down the aisle toward the door.

"Vaya al infierno, Morrison," snarled the sniper, and grabbed his beach bag.

Kevin smelled the salty air as soon as his sandals hit the dirt. It was simply divine – a single breath free of the taint of smog or the reek of garbage that perforated so much of CWCville. True, the beach was still full of garbage from the chus' Spring Break, but at least it was high tide.

Back at Menchi-Nasu, he'd managed to score a nice pair of swim trunks in a grey and white pattern, much like Steve's camo pants. Serge had claimed the absolute largest swimsuit of the group – it was obvious which one was his as soon as they'd sorted through the various swimwear – and now resembled a Russian version of the Incredible Hulk, complete with a stretchy purple swimsuit. Steve had his own blue and white swim trunks, poor Nick had landed the black Speedo, and Matt had found a simple pair of orange trunks with teal trim. As for the girls…well, Kevin had a feeling he was going to find out sooner or later. Out of all of them, he was hoping intensely that Allie had picked out something particularly nice. He knew she liked him a lot, so the odds were probably in his favor in that regard.

Right now, however, everyone was wearing their standard civilian outfits over their swimsuits for the sake of appearances. With a few exceptions, no PVCC-related gear could be displayed in a public area in non-mission circumstances. Of course, everyone was still packing their pistols and knives in concealment. Steve's kukri fit right into a specialized sheath down the left leg of his swimsuit. He planned to pass it off as a dive knife in case they were caught or questioned. Kevin possessed no such luxury, but had managed to duct tape George's hunting knife to the inside of his trunks nevertheless. It wasn't anything too fancy, but wasn't exactly uncomfortable.

"Okay everyone. Spring Break 2008 for the Honey Badgers begins here!" Al removed his welder's mask and squinted as the sunlight reached his eyes. "This is it. Remember, if you see anything, chu, human, larva, or anything, just do what you'd normally do if you were out on patrol. Actually, if it's a larva, either let me know or use your imaginations. Really, I'll just be happy so long as you all have fun."

"Will do." Steve smiled and wiped a bit of leftover sunscreen from his cheek. "Zo, it's your call: sandcastles or snorkeling?"

"Nice try," snorted Zoey. "You're not getting out of that rematch so easily. Oh, and don't even give me that lame excuse that you forgot the ball." She pulled a volleyball out of her beach bag and lobbed it at Steve's head. He just barely caught it before it smacked him in the face.

"If I must," sighed the Jerkop in mock dejection. "Guys, this battle is one I must face alone. Nobody can come between me…and her." He glared at Zoey as she set down her bag next to the volleyball court and began stripping down to reveal a bright green and blue striped bikini beneath her civilian clothes. "You heard Al. Have fun. As for me, the battlefield awaits."

Steve tucked the volleyball under his arm and strode dramatically toward what sounded like his inevitable defeat. Kevin glanced at Matt, then Allie, then Nick. "So what now?"

"Now?" Serge spread out a blanket-sized towel and sat down with a paperback copy of Metro 2033 in Russian. "I don't know what now. Serge will just read and wait for volleyball battle to end. Then Serge will pound puny Steve into the ground."

"Well, good luck with that," commented Matt as he pulled off his shirt and kicked his sandals away. "Damn! Hot sand. Need water. Bye!" He dashed for the water before anyone could reply and jumped right in up to his ankles with a huge splash.

"Yeah, I'm with Matt on this one."

"Same." Jexis and Amanda were already out of their PVCC outfits as soon as Matt hit the water. Amanda, perhaps ironically, had chosen a pitch-black one-piece suit. Kevin knew she was terribly bitter about Chandler's blatant racism, so this fit her persona well. The medic, similarly, had gone with a very nicely-fitting plain white bikini and, as was her tradition, had promptly borrowed a marker and drawn large red crosses on every major surface. It was a little silly, Kevin thought, but then again, what else was she going to do? Along with her scientific mind, the girl also possessed a talent for clothing design. Steve had told them that she was originally going to make them all custom combat uniforms back in 2006, but Al had immediately (and perhaps fortunately) shot down the idea when she'd presented him with one of her designs for some garish stretchy blue ensemble she called "The AquaBadgers Super Squad."

"Looks like sunny time for me," said Kuri, and began taking off her clothes like the others. She'd brought her horned hairband, but left the teal paint at Menchi-Nasu for obvious reasons…all of which involved tanning and/or swimming. Encouraged by their ice-breaking squadmates, Kevin and Allie followed suit.

Kevin tried to keep himself from sneaking a glimpse at Allie as they both undressed, and concentrated instead on removing his jeans. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Nick standing a few feet away, fully clothed, looking like he'd rather be anywhere else in the world but here.

"Are you gonna-"

"No."

"Look, maybe if-"

"NO."

"Okay." Kevin shrugged and tossed his shirt on top of his jeans. Glancing down at his chest, he noted with some satisfaction that his time in the PVCC had definitely paid off in some small ways. Gone was the starving, skinny kid who'd showed up in Slumberland one fateful night. Where once his ribs had shown through his skin, he now had the beginnings of a six-pack. There were scars, sure, but everyone had them. Each scar was simply a reminder to be more aware in the future. Allie knew that for a fact, but the horrible burn on her face hadn't dissuaded her from embracing fire as her own tool of destruction. Hundreds of ferals had learned that the hard way.

And speaking of Allie…

"Don't. Say. Anything," stated the young woman in a firm voice as Kevin heard her cargo pants hit the ground behind him. There was a scuffling sound as she kicked them away. "All right, get it over with. I knew you'd be waiting for this."

Kevin turned, and nearly collapsed with surprise. Two things were very clear now. One, Allie had landed the "special" present Al had inserted into the girls' bag, and two, the Legend had a wicked sense of humor.

"That…is called a microkini," Kuri explained. "You've never seen one before, huh?"

"Uh…no," replied Kevin, fighting to keep his words from turning into an incoherent butchery of the English language like the speech of a homebred Sonee or Rosey. Words simply could not describe his reaction to the thing Allie was wearing. It was magnificent…truly a work of minimalist art that pushed the limits of body exposure to the very edge. And in bright red, too.

"You enjoy yourself." Allie whirled around once, letting her long brown hair fan around in a circle. "Listen, don't get used to this. I'll admit I had my fingers crossed for you getting that Speedo, but looks like I'll have to wait for another chance."

"Odds are we'll all either be dead or heroes by then. Or both. Well, you lovebirds have fun." Kuri brushed past Kevin and turned to Nick, shooting the former soldier an evil glare. "You can't escape fate, hombre. I'm on to you. I'll be there when you least expect it…and bam." She snapped her fingers under Nick's nose. "Or…you could just take the easy way out."

Kevin noticed something a little strange about the Jerkop's bikini. The black-trimmed teal cloth was extremely thin, and adhered to her incredibly well, like some new advanced "smart fabric." For the life of him, he couldn't figure out what on earth she was wearing.

"Adios, chica." Nick unrolled his towel and sat down next to Serge without another word. Kuri shrugged and gave Kevin and Allie an evil smile before sauntering off to find a quiet sunny spot to draw in. She'd been making quite a lot of recent sketches of herself mutilating chu larvae, and some were really quite impressive, particularly one of her famous Cymbal Clap of Doom she'd first performed in McIntire Park.

"What the hell kind of suit is she wearing?" Kevin whispered to Allie once Kuri was safely out of earshot.

Allie blinked. "What do you mean? It's paint."

Five full seconds ticked by, each one more awkward than the last.

"What."

"Waterproof paint," explained Allie. "Jexis mixed up a few colors for her – you know how she is with chemicals. I don't know what she used or how she did it, but it worked. I put a drop on my arm and couldn't wash it away, but it peels right off once it sets and you're done with…Kevin, are you even listening to me?"

Kevin was not. His brain was currently halfway between an aneurysm and the full realization of what exactly Kuri was wearing…or rather, not wearing. Allie rolled her eyes, spread out a towel in the sand beneath them, and gently eased him down until they were sitting side by side.

By the time his brain returned to full functionality, Allie was leaning against him and smiling. He grinned back and draped an arm over her shoulders. Who needed Kuri and her body paint when he had this beautiful fiery girl wearing a total of about three square inches of synthetic cloth?

Steve tossed his camo pants over his shoulder and cracked his knuckles, trying to anticipate Zoey's first serve. "Okay, okay, let's end this already. Can you please give me a chance this…AAAAAGHHH!"

The ball sailed over the net and nearly cracked him on the chin. It was only by sheer luck that Steve even managed to return the serve. It was even luckier that Zoey was so astonished by this that she forgot all about her turn. The volleyball hit the sand with a soft thump, marking the very first time Steve had ever scored the first point against his second-in-command.

"Did you just see…"

"Don't say it," Zoey cautioned him, and picked up the ball. "Prepare to meet thy doom, ser."

"I think I'd actually prefer a sword fight to this," replied Steve quickly, before diving to intercept Zoey's low serve.

"Yeah, only because…" The Jerkop smacked the flying ball with the palm of her hand, sending it hurtling back toward her opponent at what seemed like MACH 2. "Only because then you'd actually have a chance of winning."

"I…actually…have a chance here," Steve retorted as he elbowed the ball back over the net. "Granted, it's about the same odds as Chandler getting laid before he turns 30, but…"

"Less talk, more spike!" yelled Zoey, and proceeded to do just that. Successfully. Steve ended up flat on his stomach in the sand, grasping for the ball resting a good inch away from his fingertips.

"Fuck," he swore, and began brushing sand out of his hair. "Should've worn my dust mask."

"Aloha, little cuz!"

Steve and Zoey both turned to see "Surfshack" Tito Makani himself bouncing toward them in striped shorts and a blue Hawaiian shirt, his orange face shiny with sweat. The fat man looked right at home in this setting on the beach. All he needed now was a band of extreme sports-loving kids to mentor and he'd be all set as far as life was concerned.

"Mr. Makani!" Steve saluted and immediately resumed trying to expel the sand from his mustache. "We didn't expect to see you out here. Are you on assignment?"

Tito shook his head. "It's just like the ancient Hawaiians say. When the seagull can no longer fly in a hurricane, he seeks the eye. With all this brouhaha about 4-cent_garbage and Spring Break, I got a little tired of all the moping. The beach…she's my home, you know. And each wave," he gestured out to sea where Amanda, Matt, and Jexis were splashing and swimming around, "is like a new breath from the ocean's lungs." He turned to Steve. "Do you surf, Mr. Morrison?"

"No…not on a surfboard, at least. My parents bought me a boogie board when I was about six."

"But you know the tricks to catch the waves, and the concept?"

"A little. I could stand a few lessons."

"Oh no you don't!" yelled Zoey from across the court. "I waited five whole weeks for this, and you're not about to…"

"Patience, little sister," said Tito, as calm as still water. "There will be more than enough time for your most epic of volleyball duels. And after all, the offer extends to you too. As the ancient Hawaiians say, three coconuts…"

"Okay, okay, Mr. Makani," Steve interjected before the administrator could continue into his examination of ancient Hawaiian sayings. "How many surfboards did you bring? We could take turns with one if…"

"You insult me, little cuz." Tito smiled. "They call me "Surfshack" Tito for a reason, you know."

Matt splashed through the surf alongside Amanda and Jexis, laughing as a strong wave nearly knocked him off his feet. It was a good day for wave jumping – that much was certain. He'd been hoping that Kevin and Allie would want to join him, but they seemed content with cuddling together back on the beach. Anyway, he had two lovely ladies to keep him company, and there was nothing wrong with that.

"Get ready!" he shouted as a colossal wave built in the distance and began thundering toward them. "We're going under this one!"

"Oh, hell no," said Jexis, and turned to leave. Amanda and Matt each caught one of her arms and forced her around so she was facing the oncoming wave. "Hey! Let me go! Let me-"

SPLASH! The wave struck with what seemed like the force of a car crash, immediately knocking all three Jerkops askew and drenching them from head to toe in salt water and seaweed. Matt held his breath as long as he could, then felt for the sandy bottom and swam for shore. He could see a Goldeen darting away beneath him, shimmering in the sunlight. Absolutely beautiful.

Matt had only gone a few steps when his foot hit what felt like a huge rock. Stumbling forward in pain, he cursed and grabbed the offending object with both hands, ready to chuck it as far as he could into the deep water.

"Squirtle," said the rock.

The Jerkop immediately dropped it onto the sand with a yell of surprise and watched as a Squirtle's head, arms, and legs emerged. It looked incredibly relaxed, yet its eyes were red and bloodshot. He must have disturbed it while it was sleeping or something.

"Hey, little guy!" he said, and reached down gently toward the small Pokémon.

"Squirtle." The Squirtle yawned and retracted its arms. A huge lopsided grin spread across its face as it retrieved a long cylindrical object and a small plastic bag of plants from the interior of its shell. It was amazing all of that could fit inside the diminutive animal. "Squir-squirtle?"

"You've gotta be fuckin' kidding," said Matt, and sat down beside it. The Squirtle twisted open the bong and inserted a large clump of fresh marijuana, a difficult task for something with such stubby fingers. Once the weed had been added, it withdrew a Zippo lighter and snapped a flame beneath the bulb. Soon the water was bubbling. The Squirtle closed its mouth over the end of the bong and took a deep breath, then passed the whole thing over to Matt. "Squiiiiiiiiirrrrtttllllee…"

"I hear you there, my friend," replied the Jerkop as he filled his lungs with smoke. It was smooth stuff, incredibly smooth, even better than all the grass he and Jake had smoked during their lunch breaks at the CWCville Wal-mart. One of their coworkers, a long-haired artist named David, had been more than happy to supply them. This, though…this was something else.

"Whoa," breathed Matt, and exhaled the smoke through his nostrils. The familiar twisted colors and amplified sounds of an awesome high were beginning to return. "Feels…good, man."

The Squirtle yawned again and took another hit from the bong.

Kuri skipped down the beach without a care in the world, humming to herself and smiling as she felt the warm sun against her skin. The waterproof painted-on bikini had been Jexis's greatest idea ever. Now there was nothing standing between her and the absolute best tan she could imagine. The sea air was nice, too. It helped her creativity, and anyway, she'd been wanting to work on this drawing she'd made earlier of Sugarplum Fury ripping a feral Rosey in half.

A few yards further, the Jerkop found a nice sunny spot, spread out her towel, and sat down cross-legged above the warm sand. Flipping through her sketchbook, she found the unfinished drawing and began shading in Sugar's powerful jaws. The feral victim was only a doodle for now, but oh, when she finished…

Kuri snickered and lay forward on her stomach, stretching her legs out for maximum sun exposure. She was so engrossed in her activity that she almost didn't spot the three pink and four yellow blobs making their way across the sand towards her. Only when their annoyingly high-pitched voices reached her ears did she realize exactly what she'd been missing.

"Sonee!"

"Gaa-gaa!"

"Wosey!"

"Goo-goo!"

Kuri scrambled to her feet and instinctively covered up. She was still adapting to the newfound freedom of her paint-bikini. However, any nervous tension instantly dissipated as soon as she spotted the crowd of ferals. The expression of panic and surprise on her face quickly gave way to her trademark evil grin. She reflexively reached for the tekko-kagi on her belt, but found nothing.

Oh, right. She wasn't wearing a belt.

A Sonee tripped in the sand as it waddled up to her and hugged her bare leg. "Sonee! Goo-goo!"

"Hey there!" Kuri smiled playfully and picked up the nearest Rosey, cuddling it in her arms. "Who wants to go meet some new friends?"

"YAY!" cried the ferals, completely unaware of just how "friendly" Kuri's squadmates were towards their particular species.

Kevin looked up from the morning edition of the CWCville News Dash and stared at Matt, Jexis, and Amanda. They'd all assembled by a rock or something, and were passing a small object around. Maybe they'd found a conch shell, and were blowing into it.

"Hey, I'm still not feeling that lotion," Allie reminded him.

"Right." Kevin squeezed some sunscreen into his hand and resumed rubbing it into Allie's back. He was trying not to get too distracted by the many scars that crisscrossed her skin, or by her intensely red, incredibly small microkini. So far, he wasn't doing too well on that front.

"Want to hit the water in a few minutes?" he suggested. "Can't leave Matt, right? Us Shopping Center veterans have to stick together, huh?"

"Mmmmm…" Allie sighed contentedly. "You know what, I think he'll be fine where he is. Now get my shoulders and neck, too. Here, I'll help." She reached up between her shoulder blades and undid the string, giving her squadmate full access to her bare back.

If Kevin had been an anime character, blood would have now been spurting out of his nose at close to 500 feet per second.

"Ahem."

Kevin looked up and nearly squeezed the entire bottle onto Allie's back in shock. Kuri had returned with a whole group of feral Sonees and Roseys that were now waddling after her, cooing and giggling and trying to hug her bare legs. Somehow, she'd managed to convince them to trust her, that she'd be a good provider for them, that they didn't have to worry about anything as long as they had her to take care of them.

"Wosey!" cried the pink chu in her arms.

"Do I even want to know?" asked Allie, and quickly tied her top back on.

"There's seven here," Kuri explained with a vicious smile. "I figure that's more than enough for all of us. Except you." She pointed at Nick. "You don't get any."

"What? Why?"

"You know damn well why." The Jerkop herded the ferals behind her. "Tell you what. I'll make you a trade. A Sonee…" She bent down and picked up a giggling yellow larva with her free hand, "…for a Speedo. Your choice. They're gonna go fast, I can pretty much guarantee that."

Nick looked like he would have been quite content to strangle Kuri then and there. His eye twitched involuntarily. Kuri caught on and started waving the Sonee back and forth in front of his face, tempting him as the oblivious chu clapped its armstubs together and squealed in delight.

"I'm waaaaaaiiiiiiitiiiiing…" she teased.

"FINE!" shouted Nick, and began unbuttoning his shirt with extreme reluctance.

"Don't kill tiny shock-pigs here," Serge grunted, not even looking up from Metro 2033. "Go feed them to sharks or something."

"That's…Serge, that's brilliant," Kevin complimented the Russian. "Did anyone bring a fishing pole?"

Steve paddled after Tito, bracing himself as each small wave rocked him and his new surfboard. The water wasn't too cold…in fact, it was surprisingly warm for March. The paddling part of surfing was pretty easy so far, especially since the Jerkop was a particularly good swimmer. It was the whole balancing act that worried him.

"Far enough, little cuz!" the fat Hawaiian man yelled over the crashing surf. "Now ease up onto your knees and keep the board angled with the swell! The ancient Hawaiians have a saying; before a seagull learns to fly, he must first learn to walk."

Steve did his best to ignore the latter half of Tito's advice and pushed himself up off the surfboard. He nearly lost his balance and toppled over when a school of Goldeen passed beneath him, reflecting the sunlight right into his eyes with their shimmering scales.

"Relax," laughed Zoey as she pulled her own board up alongside him. "Just stay focused. It's not that hard."

"Says the woman with two working eyes," muttered Steve, and unconsciously touched the black patch that now covered his right eye socket. Learning to live half-blind was tough, but not impossible. If anything, his left eye had to do double the work now, and his vision had actually improved significantly over the last two months. So much, in fact, that he could just barely make out some rather interesting activity on the beach…

"Ferals," he growled.

"What?" Zoey paddled a few feet closer.

"We've got ferals!" The Jerkop pointed to a cluster of pink and yellow blobs wandering around on the Honey Badgers' little private beach. "Okay Mr. Makani, I think we're gonna have to cut the lesson short. Or…" A grin spread across Steve's face as he glanced back at a sizable oncoming wave. "Scratch that. I've got a better idea."

"Wosey! Hee hee hee!"

"Gaa-gaa! Sonee!"

"Hurry…the fuck…up," Nick growled as Kevin rummaged through Steve's beach bag for the rod and reel he'd packed. The ferals had lost interest in their new friends already, and were doing a marvelous job of annoying the living hell out of everyone within earshot of their insipid squeals and babbling. Even Serge looked like he wanted to just step on the little chus and crush them into the sand, if only to silence them once and for all.

"Aww, don't be like that," teased Kuri. "It looks good on you. Really."

"I don't know who I'm going to kill first, you, Zoey, or Steve," replied the sniper irritably. "Where the hell did Zoey get this thing, anyway?"

"I don't think she found it," Kevin spoke up. He had no intention of fanning the flames any further. Nick was already teetering on the edge of a complete meltdown, and the Speedo wasn't helping things much. "Hey! I found his iPod." He held up the white MP3 player and a pair of portable battery-powered speakers, then tossed them to Allie. "See if he's got the Mary Poppins soundtrack on it or something. That'll get their attention."

"Beatles…Led Zeppelin…Rolling Stones…Journey…more Led Zeppelin…okay, I got it!" Allie plugged in the iPod and set it up near the ferals, then switched on "Feed the Birds". As the song began playing, the seven Sonees and Roseys stopped their pointless cavorting and waddled over to the strange music box they immediately decided they liked a lot, since it was playing those fun noises that were biologically ingrained into their subconscious to release floods of endorphins every time they heard it.

"Good call." Kuri glanced up at a few circling Wingulls and a large Pelipper. "Did you pick that song on purpose? Because I just got an awesome idea."

"I like where this is going," chuckled Kevin as he reached back into Steve's beach bag for a package of tortilla chips. "I don't think the fishing pole's in here. Check Zoey's." He stood up and popped the chips open, then motioned to Kuri to come with him. While Allie and Nick rummaged through the other bag and Serge continued reading, the two Jerkops made their way across the beach toward the water. Kuri had picked up the speakers so the ferals would follow the hypnotic music all the way to their inevitable doom.

Feed the birds, tuppence a bag.
Tuppence, tuppence, tuppence a bag.
"Feed the birds," that's what she cries.
While overhead, her birds fill the skies.

"Wiiiiingull! Wiiiiiingull!" shrieked the small bird Pokémon as they noticed the newcomers down below on the sand. Smiling, Kevin reached inside the bag, crushed up a handful of chips, and scattered them across the beach. The Wingulls immediately locked on to the falling pieces and dove eagerly, snapping up the crunchy treats with glee.

"Wosey!" a Rosey cried happily as she waddled toward the hungry creatures. "Goo-goo! Wosey wosey!" To her, the winged Pokémon were just some new friends to play with and hug and…

Kevin flung another handful of crushed chips, dotting the Rosey with salty bits of fried tortilla. The Wingulls' reactions were immediate, swift, and unbelievably brutal.

"WING! WINGULL!"

"GOO-GOO!" the baby Electric Hedgehog Pokémon squealed, clutching her bleeding armstub where one of the Wingulls had pecked her. "WOSEY! WAAAAAH!"

Before the Rosey could even realize what was happening, another Wingull landed beside her and snapped out with its hooked beak, tearing a tiny piece of flesh and a soft spike from her misshapen head. The little chu cried and wailed as the hungry Pokémon converged on her.

"WOSEEEEEEEY! WOSEEEEEEEY!"

Kevin grinned as a vicious Wingull plucked out one of the Rosey's soulless eyes and swallowed it whole like a huge bloody green grape. Flapping and biting and ripping at her chubby unprotected head and torso, the Wingulls paid no heed to her piteous screams, but only redoubled their efforts. It wasn't long before the sand around the melee began to turn red.

By now, the other hedgehog larvae had gotten the hint that these new friends weren't as fun as they'd originally thought, and were now slowly moving backward, whimpering in fear as they watched their playmate being torn to pieces under the cruel beaks of the aerial scavengers. One Sonee tripped, heaved its dense body up off the sand, and waddled away with a panicked cry of "SONEE!"

"Where do you think you're going?" sneered Allie as she dug her foot under the fleeing chu and launched it up as if it were a big fuzzy soccer ball. The Sonee squealed as it flew through the air and landed right in her waiting arms. Upon realizing the Jerkop hadn't intended to kill it with the kick, it let out a relieved "Goo-goo!" and hugged her wrist.

Allie grinned and brandished a large fishhook attached to a rod. "Open wide, widdle bay-bee!"

"NEEEEEEEEEEUGHGHHUGHAAAAAHHH H!" the Sonee bawled as its captor forced its little jaws open and inserted the hook right through the side of its face. Blood squirted into its mouth, and Allie made sure to twist the barbed metal around enough to shred one cheek to ribbons. Undaunted, she merely removed the hook and pierced the larva's other cheek, prompting a fresh gout of blood from the little creature's mouth. Allie made sure the line could bear its weight, then dropped her new live bait and let it hang from the rod by its mutilated face. It screamed again and again, but to no avail.

While Kevin, Nick, and Kuri rounded up and captured the other five chus, Allie strode to the edge of the water, let out a few dozen feet of line, then punted her hooked Sonee into the air.

"GOO-GEEEEEEEEE!" it shrieked as it sailed up in an arc and dropped, hitting the water with a huge splash. Its considerable fat reserves outmatched the weight of its unnaturally dense body, keeping the Sonee afloat until something decided to take the bait. The blood pouring from its mouth would quickly draw the attention of any nearby sea life, and Allie personally hoped that a few Sharpedoes were swimming in the area.

Meanwhile, Kevin grabbed up a Rosey with one hand and began digging a hole in the sand with his other. Kuri quickly arrived with a wailing Sonee and helped him. As the little chus struggled and beat at their hands, the Jerkops stuffed them right into the makeshift pit, then just let them sit there and try to pull themselves out. They couldn't jump more than half an inch, and with their legless feet and fingerless armstubs, there was no way those two were escaping any time soon.

"Okay. That makes one for each of us," Kevin said, looking back to where Nick had trapped the three remaining larvae. "What do you want to do with them?"

"How about giving us a few?" yelled Zoey as she and Steve hurried up the beach with their surfboards tucked under their arms. Surfshack Tito had stayed out on the water to catch some more big swells.

"There's two in here!" Kuri waved the squad leaders over and grinned. "You seriously think we'd ever let you miss out on all the fun?"

"I don't know. I'd be tempted if I were you," laughed Steve as he knelt down and snatched the Sonee out of the pit. It fired off a Spark at his fingers, but the Jerkop remained unaffected. "And I know just what to do with this little bastard." He glanced up. "Hey, Nick. Nice Speedo."

"Shut up," growled the sniper, and tossed a Rosey to Kevin.

"Squiiiiirrrrrtlllllllle."

"I know, right?" slurred Matt as he stared at his hand and watched the fingers twist and fragment and multiply of their own accord. The world around him looked like the last fifteen minutes of 2001: A Space Odyssey – a shifting fireworks display of blurry colors, strange distorted sounds out of nowhere, and a constantly changing landscape of time and space.

Truly, this was the absolute best high he'd ever had.

"Wherrrrrrre did he get this stuff?" giggled Jexis at alternating speeds. She'd been tossing handfuls of dry sand into the air and trying to swat them away when they came down.

"Dunno. Probably…whoa… Guys, you seein' this?" Amanda sat up and hazily brushed the sand from her swimsuit. "We're on the fuckin' moon."

Matt blinked, and the beach instantly changed to a grey lunar landscape, dotted with craters and large dusty boulders. Above, the blackness and an endless curtain of stars stretched off infinitely into the distance. The Jerkops and their Squirtle friend appeared to be alone at first, but when Matt blinked again, his eyes and brain were instantly assaulted with a flurry of strange and inconceivable images and faces.

"Holy Jesus," he muttered. "What are these goddamn animals?"

A floating whale swam across the star field and jettisoned what seemed to be a massive boulder from beneath its fin. Matt raised his arms to shield himself…not that it would have done any good, of course. The rock smashed into him, but no one was harmed. Instead, the scene had changed, and now a slew of figures floated in front of him in various states of reality. He recognized a few of them…Allison Amber, that Team Rocket scientist Bill, the Metal Sonichu prototype…and also a few more whose names and identities escaped him.

Matt glanced around at his comrades. Jexis had transformed into a large bloody Band-Aid, while Amanda now looked as if she was entirely made out of exploding gunpowder. Somehow, the explosions were trapped within her outline, but they kept bursting nonetheless. The Squirtle was still a Squirtle, and yawning.

"Anoz aelc amulp oerc ikambol ah ah?" asked a PVCC logo as it drifted by. It sounded like it was speaking in Steve's voice.

"No thanks," replied Jexis, and promptly turned into a giant keyblade. "I just ate."

Matt was getting genuinely scared now. The moon had suddenly transformed itself into a plane of existence made entirely out of Nutella, and his hands and feet were now stuck in the delicious hazelnutty chocolate quagmire. Ninety-one gems appeared one by one and exploded into a shower of glistening rainbow-colored shards, all in less than a second. There was no escaping the madness. He just had to take it as it came.

A large cheeseburger with a "Big Kahuna Burger" label and a Hawaiian floral print wrapper sprouted from nowhere and hovered in front of him. Matt felt his stomach roar as an incredible case of the munchies slammed into him with the force of an aircraft carrier ramming a speedboat. Drooling, he reached out and grabbed the saucy, juicy burger. It smelled absolutely delicious – smoky and savory and a little spicy, the kind him and Jake used to cook up in their dorm when they'd been roommates back in college.

"Mmmmm…" Matt sighed, and sank his teeth into the tasty burger. Barbecue sauce squirted into his mouth, saturating it with a tangy taste. The meat was rare and bloody, just the way he liked it.

"WOSEEEEEEEY!" the bun cried in terror.

"Uh…Matt, are you okay?" asked Kevin as Matt snatched the Rosey away from him and began chowing down, ripping its chubby belly open with his bare teeth, pulling out intestines and internal organs with savage glee, and devouring them whole as the disemboweled hoglet screeched and thrashed and beat at his hands with her useless little armstubs.

CRUNCH! RRRIP! RRRIP! CRUNCH! SQUISH!"

"SEEEEE! AAAUGHHH! SEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Mmmmf-mmmf-mmmmf-mmmmff!" Matt replied through a mouthful of raw, dripping flesh. Kevin noticed his eyes were completely bloodshot, and wisely backed away. The Squirtle offered him a pull from its bong, but he declined. Whatever kind of high Matt had just experienced, the aftereffects were catching up to him with a vengeance. Behind him, Jexis rolled around in the sand, giggling and trying unsuccessfully to backstroke through it. Amanda was in the process of writing "BMP LIVES" slogans in the wet sand near the water wherever she could.

Whatever that means, thought the Jerkop to himself as Matt sucked one of the Rosey's eyeballs clean out of its socket and chewed it thoughtfully as if it were a gumball. Kevin had a feeling that once Matt came around, he'd probably want to drink about three bottles of Listerine and wash his mouth out with OxiClean to kill any bacteria that he was currently ingesting. Jexis normally would have warned him, but…well…she was currently attempting to bury herself in the sand while yelling something about aquatic bats everywhere.

Somewhat thankful that he had never attempted a high quite on this scale, Kevin turned and left his three tripping squadmates to their own devices. Steve and Zoey were headed back to the volleyball court with their Sonee and Rosey, Kuri looked like she was digging a large trench next to her trapped Sonee, and Nick was…

"GOO-GEEEEE! SONEEEEEE!"

Kevin blinked, and felt his jaw drop open a few millimeters. Of all the crazy larval torture methods he'd witnessed during the (temporally altered) decade he'd spent in CWCville, this one landed somewhere in the top ten list. Nick had buried his Sonee up to its flabby neck, trapping it in an inescapable prison of tightly-packed sand. Sitting cross-legged in front of the screeching feral, he was now applying generous amounts of some mysterious red liquid to its bulbous eyes and harelip mouth. Whatever the stuff was, it was making the Sonee scream more loudly than any other chu he'd ever heard. It thrashed its misshapen head about wildly, slamming it again and again into the sand as it wept and bawled and screeched in extreme pain and discomfort.

Only when Kevin walked over to investigate did he realize what Nick was using on the chu. The spicy odor pierced his nostrils before he knew what was happening, and he felt a few tears well up in his eyes. The Speedo-clad sniper didn't seem to be affected in the slightest by his insanely powerful hot sauce…maybe that was because he'd built up a tolerance for it over the years. Kevin glanced at the label. "BREAK YOU DEAD" SAUCE – WARNING: CONTAINS NAGA VIPER CHILIES AND PURE CAPSAICIN EXTRACT. MAY CAUSE BLINDNESS AND DEATH."

"Do I even want to-" he began.

Nick smiled wickedly. "No."

Kevin watched the feral larva writhe around and shriek for another half a minute, then hastily retreated out of the spice cloud's range. His eyes were watering, anyway, and there was much more attractive company to be found down by the water.

Allie was still toying around with her Sonee-baited fishing rod when Kevin arrived and sat down beside her. Out in the middle of the ocean, the hooked chu screamed and beat at the water with its armstubs in a pathetic attempt to swim away. As it rolled over, Kevin could see its bare stumpfeet waddling like crazy, kicking and kicking to absolutely no avail.

"Why do they even bother?" he mused as he grabbed the bottle of sunscreen and began applying another layer to his arms and shoulders.

"They're just too stubborn to accept hardships," replied Allie, and reeled in a few feet of line. "At least these ones actually try. Homebred larvae probably would've given up by now."

"When do you think we'll get to kill some?"

"Homebreds?"

Kevin nodded. "Yeah. It's not like Walsh to give us so many extermination missions when we're the ones who are gonna take out the royal family."

"It shouldn't be too long," Allie assured him. "We've only been…well, back…for two months. She's probably just trying to ease us back into the game."

"Yeah, probably," sighed Kevin, and leaned back to let the sun bake his chest and stomach.

The Jerkops sat together in silence for a few minutes, listening to the crash of waves and the distant screams and cries of ferals in pain. Kevin nearly dozed off himself. This Spring Break was exactly what the Honey Badgers had needed for a long, long time – a day of peace in the midst of so much chaos. The nightmarish memories of their journey through that hellish chaos dimension and their abrupt leap forward in time still hadn't dissipated, and several of the younger and less desensitized squad members like Jexis and Matt were experiencing mental trauma and insomnia from the horrors of the Warp.

A whole day of R&R couldn't hurt.

Out on the water, the tip of a black fin broke the surface and sped toward the floundering Sonee. Allie hastily grabbed Kevin's hand with a gasp of excitement as the predatory Pokémon zeroed in on its pathetic prey like a living guided missile made out of teeth and horrific brutality.

"SHARPEDO!"

"SONEEEEEEEEE!"

CRUNCH! In a frenzied flash of teeth, the Sonee had been reduced to a shredded blue sneaker, a few clumps of yellow fur, and three soft headspikes bobbing on the waves and surrounded by an expanding cloud of blood. Above, a few circling Wingulls folded their wings and dove, seeking any edible scraps of meat they could salvage in the aftermath of the Sharpedo's feast.

"Catch of the day," remarked Kevin, and squeezed Allie's hand. She snuggled against him, grinning as they sat there and watched the bird Pokémon fight over the last pieces of the devoured Sonee.

"Look, it's not that I don't think you'd be tasty enough in the raw," Kuri remarked casually as she piled dry driftwood and bundles of sea grass at the bottom of the stone-lined trench she'd been digging. "It's just…well, I really like to cook. And I really like to cook Sonees and Roseys. See, I've been experimenting with quite a few of your little friends over the years, and I've never tried out this particular method before."

"Goo-goo!"

Kuri sighed and flicked a bit of sand down into the pit at her captured Sonee. It squealed and tripped over its own feet, then clumsily righted itself and tried to rub the grit out of its irritated eyes. Without fingers, though, the attempt proved fruitless.

"That's what you get for staring at me so much, you little pedofork," the Jerkop admonished the whining larva, and stuck out her tongue in mock annoyance. She glanced down and rubbed one of the "strings" on her paint bikini. "Well, let's hope Jexis made this stuff heatproof, or things are gonna get awkward fast." Grabbing another handful of driftwood twigs, she placed them between the larger logs so the fire would spread more evenly. Down in its prison pit, the Sonee couldn't see what she was doing, but it knew in its intellectually-stunted little mind that whatever Kuri had planned was sure to result in more Prickly-Wicklies…lots and lots of Prickly-Wicklies.

"Soneeee…" it whined, and tried to grip the sandy wall with its armstubs and static cling. Maybe he could climb out while the big mean lady was distracted and make a speedy dash for freedom once he escaped from the pit. That was what spunky heroes always did, and the other Sonees and Roseys were sure to admire him for such a daring…

"Goo-GMMPHH!" cried the hapless feral as a huge clump of dry sand tore loose of the pit wall and burst all over its face. About half of it landed in its mouth and eyes, prompting a fresh wave of tears and helpless gagging that sounded more like "kaf kaf kaf" than actual coughs. Kuri snickered and leaned over the edge of the pit to watch her prisoner vomiting up what looked like a slimy mass of half-digested candy, some meat scraps, and about three tablespoons of sand.

"WUUUUGGGHHH! HURRGH! HU-HURRRRGH!"

"Oh, we have fun, don't we?" she giggled to herself, and flicked her Zippo lighter against the dry grass in the cooking trench. The flames spread quickly, devouring the grass clumps and kindling in less than a minute and working their way over to the big logs. Working carefully, Kuri heaved a few smooth, flat stones onto the growing inferno and stepped back as the fire began licking hungrily at the large rocks.

It wouldn't be long now. A pity they'd exhausted their supply of ferals so quickly and eagerly…if she had more, she could give the entire squad a New England style chu-bake the likes of which they'd probably never…

"Wosey!"

"Sonee!"

"Nee! Goo-goo!"

"Special…ugh…delivery!" announced Al as he emerged from out of a thicket of tall beach grass with Sugarplum Fury following eagerly behind. Unbelievably, the Legend had somehow obtained a rusty wheelbarrow, and through reasons unknown to anyone but him and the honey badger, had captured and collected a full thirteen feral larvae. The dirty Sonees and Roseys squirmed around uncomfortably in the wheelbarrow's rusty bin, making all sorts of annoying stereotypical baby sounds and fighting to push each other away using their useless limbs.

Kuri gaped. "Wha…"

"Sugar found them rooting around for candy and CWC Cola in a garbage can," explained Al, and promptly dumped the wheelbarrow's squealing passengers into the pit, right on top of the unfortunate Sonee. The little chu only had time to let out a single shriek of terror before his comrades piled onto him in an blobby avalanche of pink and yellow bodies, pinning him against the wet floor of his sandy prison. His left armstub snapped like a twig, but with a mouthful of wet grit and tiny wriggling marine worms, all he could manage was a bubbly "MMMMPHHH!" Unable to move and racked with pain, the Sonee promptly evacuated his bowels as the immense weight of the larva pile forced him further and further into the ground.

"Wow. I…" Kuri was scarcely able to believe this incredible good fortune. "I was gonna…you want me to throw a couple on for you?"

"Sure." Al gazed down into the pit and drew his knife. Grabbing a Rosey, he yanked the screaming feral out of her prison and plunged the tip of the blade into one soulless green eye, then the other.

"WOSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!"

"There you go!" chuckled Al, and handed the Rosey over for inspection. The letters A and L had been carved right into her eyeballs. Kuri burst out laughing and nearly dropped the struggling chu right into the cooking trench, but saved it at the last second by grabbing its befouled skirt and tossing it back to join its fellow prisoners in the pit.

"So that's one for you, two for me, and two for Steve," she stated, counting off each order on her hand. "That leaves…nine."

"Grrowwr," added Sugarplum Fury.

"Eight," Kuri hastily corrected herself and gingerly patted the honey badger. Miraculously, Sugar didn't lash out or try to bite her like usual. Maybe, at the very least, she was finding some value in the culinary abilities of her Jerkop "rival". "So what do you want to do with the others?"

Al smiled. "Feeding frenzy."

"Look, I'm not saying it's gonna work," insisted Steve as he and Zoey neared the volleyball court with their struggling chu captives tucked under their arms. "I just want to see what happens. That's why I've been watching all the Spring Break coverage – I think they might have a psychological weakness to…"

"I'm still not going to do that, you pervert!" laughed Zoey, and kicked sand at his legs. "Make up any lame excuse you want – I am not flashing that little rat." She pointed at the whining Sonee that Steve was carrying.

"If I pull rank, you'll have to," continued the squad leader with a sly grin.

"Don't even think about it."

"Okay, we'll compromise. If I manage to score another time…"

Zoey started to reply, then hesitated for a few moments. "Hmm…you know what, given your track record, that's actually not a bad idea. Yeah, I'll agree to that." She snickered. "Good luck."

"Shake on it." Steve held out his free hand, and Zoey accepted with a firm handshake. "Good. Now what I didn't tell you is…there's a little catch."

"What? No!"

"Here, give me that Rosey. I promise, you're going to love this."

"Wosey! Goo-gaa! See! Seeee!"

"Shut up," Zoey growled as she handed the chu larva over and accepted Steve's Sonee. "What are you gonna do with her, turn her into a volleyball or…"

PSSSSSSHHHHHHHTTTTTTT! A rush of escaping air sounded from the volleyball as Steve pried out its rubber seal with his kukri, then squeezed it flat as a pancake.

"I'm gonna stop talking now," finished Zoey, and sat down beside Steve. Reaching into the pocket of his swim trunks, the blond Jerkop withdrew a tiny hand pump and screwed it into the open hole of the volleyball so it was ready for reinflation. Grinning, he turned to the Rosey.

"Does da pwetty widdle bay-bee wanna tasty tweat?" he cooed in a disgusting baby-talk voice that suited his personality about as much as logic and reason suited Christian Weston Chandler. "Aww, does da pwecious widdle Wosey wanna twy da big candy ball?"

The baby Electric Hedgehog Pokémon stared up at him blankly and scratched her headspikes in confusion. Steve sighed and produced a Jolly Rancher from his pocket. He pointed at the wrapped candy, then to the deflated volleyball, then to the Rosey, then to the volleyball again.

"Wosey! YAY!" squealed the Rosey as her slow-in-the-mind brain finally made the false connection that the volleyball obviously had to be candy if the big one-eyed stranger said it was! She began bouncing up and down excitedly, waving her armstubs around like uncooked pieces of hot dog and licking her little harelips with anticipation. "Wosey! Heeheeheeheehee! YAY!"

"Finally!" muttered Steve, and picked up the deflated ball. "Down the hatch!"

"Heeheeheehee-GUGUGHGHGHGUGUUGHGGHGGHH!" screamed the Rosey as Steve pried her tiny toothless mouth open with two fingers and began stuffing the limp, sand-encrusted volleyball straight down her throat. She choked and gasped and thumped her armstubs against her aggressor's fingers, but the Jerkop undauntedly kept forcing more and more of the ball into her massive digestive tract. Her face was turning from pink to a nauseated blue as she desperately fought for breath.

"Oh my! I think the widdle bay-bee can't breathe! Hold on, widdle Wosey!" Steve grabbed the hand pump and began heaving the handle up and down, sending some much-needed air into the ball. Bones crunched and ribs shattered, prompting louder and louder shrieks of pain from the agonized Rosey as her body began stretching and growing into a fuzzy pink sphere with armstubs, stumpfeet, a tail, and a head. Her skirt stretched, and ripped apart, fluttering to the ground as her belly expanded outwards. The inflating ball was taking up all the space in her torso, and Steve knew that it wouldn't be too long before…

SQUISH! SPLUTCH! SPLAT! A massive explosion of coiled, bloody intestines and slimy malformed organs splattered out of the Rosey's rapidly-dilating butthole along with a thick gout of blood, fecal matter, and bile, all forced out by the rapidly-expanding volleyball inside her body cavity. Somehow, the chu survived having the majority of her insides squished out, and continued on shrieking and screeching with horrible pain until both of her lungs collapsed and were flattened against her smashed ribcage. She only lived another fifteen seconds, just long enough to see herself grow to the size of a fully-inflated volleyball.

"Urgh." Steve pinched his nose shut and kicked a layer of sand over the bloody befouled mess of viscera that the inflated Rosey had literally crapped out. "Smells like…failure."

"You're gonna wash that thing off before we use it, right?" gagged Zoey, and waved away the foul stench as flies began circling around the bloodstained mound of sand.

Steve nodded weakly. "Yeah. Hang on, I'll be right back." Holding the Rosey-ball with one hand and his nose with the other, he dashed for the water as fast as possible. Zoey smiled and looked down at her Sonee, who was still writhing and squealing with panic and stress.

"You, my little friend," she chuckled, "had better hope that I don't let him score."

"Gaa-goo," whined the larva fearfully.

"What exactly are we aiming to catch?" asked Kevin as he, Allie, and Nick followed Al to the waterfront. Behind them, a sizzling sound and a horrible shriek of "SONEEEEEEEEEE!" rang out from the cooking pit where Kuri and Sugar were busy respectively preparing and terrifying their soon-to-be meal.

"Well, you two said we've got Sharpedoes in the area," replied the Legend, and pushed the wheelbarrow full of eight squirming Sonees and Roseys over a barnacle-encrusted piece of driftwood. "According to the Sea Life of Kanto field guide, there's all sorts of hungry aquatic Pokémon around here. I'm hoping we get a Tentacruel or two." He stopped at a relatively calm area a few feet from the water's edge and flipped down his welder's mask. "Hand me Chum."

Allie reached into the wheelbarrow and snatched a disgustingly fat Rosey from the packed group of baby chus. The word "Chum" had been inked on her belly fur with black permanent marker.

"Wosey!" Chum squeaked in oblivious happiness, and hugged the Jerkop's arm with her rippling, sausage-like armstubs. Shuddering in revulsion, Allie passed her to the squad commander, then promptly knelt down and rinsed her hands in the salty water.

"Thanks." Al plunged his knife straight into Chum's flabby torso, slicing her open as if he were gutting a massive fish. The Rosey wailed and screeched, writhing in unimaginable pain as the Legend reached right inside of her torso and yanked out a handful of slimy organs, then flung the bloody mess straight out into the water. Kevin spotted a few Goldeens swimming over, but they didn't seem too interested in a meal of larval Electric Hedgehog Pokémon guts. Al scattered two more handfuls of Rosey innards across the surf as Chum's agonized shrieks grew more and more strangled and weak. Finally, the fat larva let out a last desperate cry of "Woseeeeeeyyyy…" and slumped limply in his hands as she finally succumbed to the impromptu surgery.

"Disgusting," spat Al, and hurled Chum out over the water.

"SHARPEDO!"

SNAP! CRUNCH!

"WHOA!" gasped the Jerkops simultaneously as a huge Sharpedo with scars all over its leathery body launched itself out of the water and snapped up the dead Rosey in midair, then splashed back down to devour its prey. Only a single armstub remained floating on the bloody waves until a pair of Wingulls dove down and grabbed the fatty log of meat. A few Carvanha fins appeared and circled around as the hungry Pokémon nibbled away at tender scraps of Chum's chum.

"Looks like we've got customers," laughed Al. "Okay, start flinging 'em!"

Kevin needed no further instructions. Plucking a Sonee and a Rosey out of the wheelbarrow, he held the pair of chus at arm's length and punted the Rosey into the center of the feeding frenzy.

"WOSEEEEEEEEY!" screamed the feral as she soared through the air. Before she could hit the water, though, her skirt flapped open and carried her a few feet upward on a thermal, away from the thrashing and hungry Sharpedoes and Carvanhas. Upon realizing she was not, in fact, headed for a gruesome toothy death, the inherent smug arrogance of her species quickly returned. That big mean person was stupid for hurting her and kicking her out here! Her cuteness must have gotten his awe, and of course he'd stupidly helped her escape! With her skirtachute, she could just drift away on the breeze, just like Mary P-

"PE-LIPPER!"

Gulp! The Rosey suddenly found herself in a tight prison of slimy skin as the huge Pelipper's bill closed around her, trapping her in its stretchy throat pouch. Before she even knew what had happened, the bird Pokémon tipped its head back and swallowed her whole, sending the little chu sliding down its gullet and straight into a pool of liquid. She giggled and clapped her armstubs together. She wanted to play the fun slide game again, and…

"Wosey!" Pain shot through the Rosey as the fur on her back began falling away and the liquid burned through her skin, dissolving the feral bit by bloody bit. She opened her mouth to scream, but there was no air to breathe anymore. Just before she passed out, she could feel the flesh and fat of her armstubs sloughing right off the bone. And even in unconsciousness, as the Pelipper's stomach acid peeled away her flesh and fat, the Rosey could still feel every single agonizing second of pain, right up until the moment of her gruesome, slimy death.

Down on the beach, Kevin grinned and watched the satisfied Pelipper flap away into the distance, pursued by a small flock of greedy Wingulls. Out in the water, another Rosey wailed and writhed helplessly in horrible fiery torment as a Tentacruel encircled her in a venomous hug, reeling her toward its horrid sharp beak. The marine predator quickly submerged, dragging the struggling chu under the surface to her doom. A few yards away, three Carvanha circled a Sonee, alternately swimming in to tear bloody strips of meat from the shrieking feral's body. Half of it had already been reduced to bones, and the murderous fish seemed to be saving its head for last. Wingulls had descended onto a Sonee closer to the beach, and were in the process of plucking out its glassy green eyes. If it had had something like a coat hanger, it might have been able to fend off the epidemic of bird Pokémon, but paralyzed as it was by shock and terror, the baby hedgehog could only float there, stiff as a rod, feeling the scavengers pick its body clean of flesh.

A Sonee and a Rosey floated in the midst of a Sharpedo swarm, hugging each other and crying in fear as they bobbed up and down. In a crunch of jagged teeth, the Sonee found himself holding on to the upper half of his sweetheart, but kept trying to shake the bitten-in half Rosey awake nonetheless. Finally, and perhaps mercifully, a pair of Sharpedoes snatched him in their jaws and viciously tore the bawling chu to shreds, filling the water with a cloud of blood and meat scraps.

"Sonee!" wailed the Sonee in Kevin's hand, tugging at his fingers as it watched its friends die horribly in the water. "Neeeeeeee!"

"Be quiet, you little bastard," Kevin replied, and grinned cruelly. There was no skirt to save this feral.

"Squiiirtle."

The Jerkop looked down in surprise. The red-eyed Squirtle was tugging at the leg of his swim trunks and holding up a syringe full of clear liquid.

"What do you want?" Kevin asked, nonplussed.

"Squirtle squirt squiiiiirrrrrtllllle…" slurred the Squirtle, and made a stabbing motion toward the terrified Sonee.

"Ah. I see."

"SONEE!" squealed the baby Electric Hedgehog Pokémon as the needle pierced its eye and carried on right into the fatty mass of gray matter. Chuckling, Kevin pressed down hard, injecting the syringe's unknown contents directly into the center of the Sonee's undeveloped brain. Immediately, the little chu's lizardlike slit pupils grew huge and black, almost reaching the size of cherries. Its thrashing and screaming ceased instantly.

"Sonee…" it burbled, then began waving its armstubs around and waddling in midair as what could only be the most insane high of all time set in. "Guhahgahhhauuaggh!"

Kevin glanced down at the Squirtle, who simply yawned. Cautiously, he placed the tripping larva down on the sand and stepped away. Allie, Nick, and Al gathered around behind him to watch.

"Sonee!" slurred the baby Electric Hedgehog Pokémon. "SONEE! GOO-GAAGAUGHGHAH!"

BOOM! SPLAT! Out of nowhere, defying every law of physics and chemistry, the Sonee's head exploded in a fine spray of red mist. Liquefied brain matter squirted out of its burst skull, splattering onto the shore as the dead hoglet collapsed forward, still wriggling and kicking in a drug-induced fit.

"Mother…fucking…Arceus," swore Allie, and pointed to the Squirtle. "Can I keep him, Al?"

"I think Matt already claimed him," added Kevin before the squad commander could answer. "Go check with him if you want. He's probably eaten about half of my Rosey by now."

Allie looked over her shoulder toward where Matt was now in the process of turning the half-eaten Rosey's skin scraps into a fuzzy pink eyepatch. He seemed to think he was Steve now.

"No thanks," she replied.

"Good choice," said Nick, and headed back across the beach to check on his hot-sauced Sonee.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Zoey, and dove forward as the Rosey-ball smacked the edge of the net and dropped onto her side. Unfortunately for her, she would never have reached it in time anyway. With a soft whump, the bloody pink sphere hit the sand, making the game's score 13-2, her lead. Even though she had the much higher score, with one missed ball, she had lost.

The Jerkop pushed herself upright and glared across the court at Steve, who was casually smiling at her.

"Turn around and close your eyes," she ordered through clenched teeth. Still smiling, Steve obeyed. Bending down, Zoey snatched up the Sonee by its ears and hauled it into the air with one hand, ignoring the baby hedgehog's cries of pain and stress. With her other hand, she unfastened the straps of her bikini top and pulled the whole thing right off, giving the Sonee an absolutely perfect view.

"GGGGGGUUUUGGGGHHHHH!"

"HOLY SHIT!" yelled Zoey as a massive jet of pressurized blood sprayed from the little chu's snout, spattering her neck and chest with drops of dark red. Hurling the bleeding feral away, she hastily slipped her bikini top back on. "Steve, get over here!"

"The fuck?" laughed Steve as he hurried over to her side to see the Sonee floundering around on the sand with a garden hose-like nosebleed. "Holy shit, it actually worked!"

"How in Arceus's name does that even…"

"Chandler probably loaded their genetic code with all kinds of subconscious anime clichés to prepare them for adulthood," explained Steve. "Now you know why I've been studying their Spring Break behavior so much. I just had to see if the flaws were as deep as I…ow! Hey!"

As Zoey tackled Steve and began attempting to vengefully bury him in the sand, the bleeding Sonee tripped over its own sneakered feet and fell flat on its face. Weakened and pale, it could only cry and flail on the beach until the last drops of blood left its body with a shuddering spurt.

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

"WAAAAAAHHHHHH! WOSEEEEEEEEEEEY!" screamed the blind Rosey as Kuri carefully lifted a corner of the water-soaked canvas tarp and tossed her lightly-seasoned body into the red-hot cooking pit. Steam gushed from the chu's every orifice almost as soon as she struck the searing fire, slowly and agonizingly steaming her to death as her fatty body expanded and her skin turned black and crisp against the hot seaweed-wrapped rocks. Her carved-up eyeballs bubbled and popped one by one, and in her last horrible moments of life, the feral could feel her flesh expanding and growing juicy and tender, like a fuzzy pink shell-less lobster.

Using her tekko-kagi, Kuri carefully flipped the Rosey onto her belly to let her cook some more, then checked the other four sizzling larvae. The smell rising from the pit was incredible – like prime rib, funnel cake, and Dr. Pepper all in one. Curious, she poked a puffed-up Sonee in the belly and was surprised to discover the baby chu was still barely clinging to life.

"Wuuhhhh…" it moaned through a mouthful of blisters, and weakly waved its armstubs at her in a pathetic plea for mercy. "Wwwwuuuuuuhhhhhhh!"

Kuri smiled and took a deep breath of the delicious steam. "Looks like you still need a few minutes, spunky." She closed the tarp and leaned back against a large piece of driftwood, basking in the wonderful smells of cooking larvae and the warm rays of sunlight shining down upon CWCville Beach.

"Grrowr."

A fuzzy snout nuzzled her ankle. Opening her eyes, Kuri looked down at her feet to see Sugarplum Fury rubbing against her impatiently and staring at the cooking pit with a hungry gleam in her beady eyes.

"Oh, be patient," the Jerkop admonished the honey badger, and stroked her behind the ears. "You'll get one soon enough."

And so it went for the Honey Badgers, for the rest of this one beautiful day at the beach – a day of playing, relaxing, talking, laughing, and enjoying each other's company to the fullest. Steve, Al, Kuri, and Sugar shared a meal of steamed Sonees and Roseys, while the rest of the squad contented themselves with sandwiches.

After recovering from their immense high a few hours later, Matt, Jexis, Amanda, and their new friend Yawning Squirtle all went surfing with Surfshack Tito and Zoey, and spotted a pod of Lapras out in the open ocean.

Serge finished Metro 2033 and subsequently discovered a Sudoku book half-buried in the sand. Instantly captivated by the challenging puzzles, he mastered the entire Easy section in just half an hour.

Steve and Kuri spent most of the rest of the afternoon building a massive sand castle for Sugarplum Fury to play in, and decorating it with the bones of the larvae they'd eaten. The structure lasted a whole minute before the playful honey badger accidentally attacked a steamed Sonee head and brought the entire thing down around her, upon which she hastily burrowed out.

Al continued writing his field guide to Sonee and Rosey extermination, and with Steve and Zoey's help, began working on an analysis of how the chus' ingrained anime clichés could be used against them to deadly effect. Later, he took Sugar and went searching for more ferals for the squad to kill, but found only stumpfootprints and candy wrappers.

All in all, it was a good day.

"So, did you have a good time?" asked Kevin, smiling as the sun began sinking behind the dunes and turning the sky into a brilliant watercolor of pink and orange. The other Honey Badgers were reluctantly gathering their things together, and Kuri had done a good job of cleaning up any trace of their presence. Only four mutilated Sonee and three Rosey carcasses remained visible on the beach – the rest having either been eaten by wild Pokémon or buried deep in the cooking pit. For the sake of sending a message to the loyalists, Jexis insisted on leaving a maple leaf covered in red paint halfway inside of a Rosey's stomach, a gruesome calling card if ever there was.

"Oh, yeah." Allie grinned and hugged him. "This was just what we needed."

"Yeah." Kevin felt a tiny bit of regret forming in his heart, knowing full well that they probably wouldn't get another day like this until the end of the conflict. "Pity we probably won't have another chance for R&R for a while."

"Well, we had today, and that's all that matters to me right now," replied Allie. "Promise me we'll come here after the fighting's over, okay? Maybe Matt could teach us how to surf."

"I was just about to say." Reaching down, Kevin pulled on his t-shirt and heaved his beach bag up onto his shoulder. "All this makes me wonder, though…how do you think the chus live? I bet every day's like this for them."

Allie chuckled and zipped up her jacket over the red microkini. "And we're the great equalizers. One day, the 'master race' is gonna learn what happens when you mess with Homo sapiens." She looked up at her squadmate and smiled. "Thanks for making this such a great day, Kevin."

"Same to you, Allie."

Hand in hand, the two Jerkops walked slowly back to the Battle Bus, leaving the gentle sea breeze, the sounds of crashing waves, and a whole load of dead Sonees and Roseys behind.

Though no one truly wanted to leave the beautiful beach, the Jerkops still had a city to take back, and lounging around on the sand and in the water wasn't going to help topple the chu occupation. Every man, woman, and honey badger in the squad would always remember this one fantastic Spring Break 2008 – a time of peace and happiness right at the eye of Hurricane Chandler.

But everyone knew, in the darkest reaches of their hearts, that the other half of the storm was still to come.