CWCollateral: A Tale of the Resistance
by Manajerkop
Chapter 10: The June Offensive
Guest writers: Alcoholic-Legend and marsmar
June 4, 2008, 8:20 a.m., CWCville northern district, Menchi-Nasu, Honey Badger barracks
At summer's rise, the days were still as long and as hot and as sunny as they had been during Spring Break. As the sun rose and the first birds began to sing, dawn came to CWCville gently, bathing the fortified high-school-turned-PVCC-HQ in rosy orange rays of light. Without a cloud in the sky, it was more than obvious that the day was going to be an absolutely beautiful one.
And Al was just lying there in his cot, curled over, hugging onto his pillow, knowing full well that in less than four hours, the June Offensive would begin. This was one of those very rare days when he actually regretted having downed one of his bottles of private reserve Scotch the night before, after his Jerkops had all drifted off to bed. Al barely remembered those nervous hours in the dark, sipping at glass after glass of the dizzyingly strong liquid and wondering how on earth he was going to stay focused for what would soon be the final battle of the CWCville revolution.
"Come on, you lazy bastard! Get up!" Steve jokingly berated him for the third time in the last five minutes. Al rolled over and continued to ignore his lieutenant's demands. The hangover was making his head throb, anyway.
"Come on, Al, answer me!" the blond Jerkop continued, and shook his commander forcefully.
"I don't feel good… I have a hangover from last ni-"
"Al," groaned Steve, rolling his eye, "you always have a hangover from everynight. Just because you started the whole damn squad doesn't give you the right to just lie around and do noth-"
"Fine, fine, I'm getting up!" Al conceded, realizing he had to do something every once in a while.
Usually whenever Al was around his squadmates, they usually treated him with the utmost respect. They called him "The Legend" and considered him to be the chief authority on chu slaying. The sad truth was that they only saw Al at his best, which wasn't even that good to begin with. Only Steve knew him for what he really was…
A slothful drunk with almost no ambition left to motivate him.
It was true that he still derived great joy from chu slaying, especially the larvae. But still, the daily routines at Menchi-Nasu and the PVCC in general were killing him slowly, from the inside out, eating away at him like some highly-corrosive acid. Whether it was working on fixing the Battle Bus, forging some new mechanical contraption or weapon for his squad to use against the chus, or discussing new battle tactics with the other squad commanders, Al just went with it, trudged on, endured, always waiting for the end of the day where he could just let go and drink himself into oblivion.
Steve, knowing Al the longest of all the Honey Badgers, knew that Al had problems, and always tried his best to motivate him. Whether it was getting him to spend time with the rest of the squad or just simply waking him up early so he could enjoy the sunlit hours of the day, Steve had done more than his fair share to help his commander out of the alcoholic stupor that the Legend had been immersing himself in for half a decade. He believed it was working…that he was finally getting through to Al as well.
And in truth, he really was. More than ever, Al was getting up earlier, sometimes even early enough to catch breakfast with the rest of the squad. Steve knew Al enjoyed spending time with the rest of the Honey Badgers, though he was silent on the matter. Still, the most important improvement of all was that Al was finally drinking less. Yes, he did still drink, but not quite as heavily as he used to. Now, at least, Al could remember what had happened the night before.
"You ready, Al?" Steve asked his friend as he helped him up. "Everyone's probably at breakfast by now. Heard they're serving bacon and eggs today. Finally, something decent. Arceus knows, we're probably gonna need it today."
"Sounds good to me, kid," the Legend replied, and smiled as he threw on his trench coat.
The two walked down to the cafeteria together, side-by-side, as equals.
Menchi-Nasu, cafeteria, 8:30 a.m.
"…and I was still working in the sublevels when Sonichu and Rosechu breached our defenses," explained Nate Shaw between spoonfuls of cereal. "Jason assigned my team to put together plans for shipping you the weapons and stuff. I think Beel was able to keep them occupied long enough for the upper levels to evacuate…we still lost a few IT personnel, though. That, and Jason got face-raped into a coma." He took a gulp of orange juice and smiled at his younger brother. "Let's just say us 4-cent guys are looking forward to sending Rosechu our regards."
"Likewise," replied Kevin, absentmindedly stabbing his eggs with a fork. "I had no idea she could do that Incredible Lioness shit. It's like she just changed personalities all of a sudden…like Chandler told her she had to become a crazy feminazi or something. I mean, I met her back in 1998. I know what she was like. Definitely not a face-raping nudist."
"Two words that should never be put together," added Jexis as she arrived with Serge and Amanda in tow. "Good news on the science front. Looks like the Asperpedia lab finally put together a decent report addressing those miniature chu larvae you found in the jungle."
Kevin moved over a few inches, allowing the young medic to sit beside him. "So what are they?"
"I checked the full report." Jexis placed a sheaf of papers on the table and helped herself to some of Serge's toast. "Here's the Cliffs Notes version, though. What we're looking at is a whole new strain of Electric Hedgehog Pokémon known as "birther-class" Rosechus. They don't lay eggs – that's why there weren't any shells around the nest. What happens instead is even worse…they give birth to live young. Up to a dozen mini-Sonees and Roseys in each litter."
Serge winced. "Serge still remembers tiny baby shock-pigs. You killed Serge's hunger."
"Works for me." Jexis reached over and pulled the tray across the table. "Thanks, Big Bear. Anyway, the birther-class Rosechu's gestation period is about the same as a mouse's – 19 to 21 days. That means a potential two dozen larvae in just a little less than a month and a half. The babies are sterile, and they can't evolve due to genetic deficiencies. This wasn't a natural evolution – the loyalists made these things."
"Why?" asked Amanda incredulously. "They got their whole army of regular sized babies, the Sparkies, the mercs, the Combo…the hell do they need a bunch of little piranha-chus for?"
"My guess? It was all a big mistake…or aliens," Steve answered as he and Al – both of whom were carrying full breakfast trays - took their seats next to Zoey. "In any case, those scars on my arm finally healed up, by the way. Morning, everyone."
"Morning," replied Kevin, Nate, Zoey, Jexis, Amanda, and Serge.
"Just had to drag our fearless leader out of bed," continued the blond Jerkop, and speared a piece of bacon on the tip of his kukri. "We're leaving SUZI and Sugar here, by the way. Sorry, but this isn't exactly the type of mission that a LIESA unit and a honey badger are suited for. And while we're on the subject of missions…Nate, you absolutely sure that you're ready for this?"
Nate grinned. "As ever. Hope Nick's okay with a little competition."
"Ask him yourself. He's been up since 6:00 practicing at the range," suggested Amanda.
It hadn't taken Al very long to convince Mary Lee Walsh and Marcus Bagget to grant Nate Shaw the honors of becoming a Jerkop. The fact that he was Kevin's brother sealed the deal, and now the Honey Badgers had been blessed with a second sharpshooter. It was a miracle, really, that they'd let Nate keep the Barrett he'd acquired back at the crash site. But then again, everyone was looking at the squad with a little more admiration since they and Los Chupacabras had braved an all-out loyalist assault in order to secure the immense weapon stash airlifted to them by their allies at 4-cent_garbage.
"So they're really deploying everything," mused Zoey, twirling a strand of hair around her finger. "Crackders, Punislavs, and S.A.V.s?
Nate nodded. "You'll have plenty of automated support. Take my word for it – Dr. Robotnik's tech is the absolute best on the market…or anywhere, for that matter."
"How much of it was actually field-tested, though?" asked Al, glancing at the former 4-cent employee out of the corner of his eye. "The briefing said the Punislavs are gonna be used for transporting Jerkops – what happens if one of them glitches out and starts transforming with passengers inside? Or…Arceus forbid…what if a Crackder misfires and takes out the wrong targets? I'm just saying, I'm not so sure about this. If a single hedgehog can take down your boss's best weapons again and again, what's the point of sending all this stuff into combat against an army of hedgehogs?"
"You forgot that that was Sonic the Hedgehog, sir," Nate replied coldly. "And those days are over…for now. Dr. Robotnik's agenda is focused on the resistance efforts here. You've obviously seen what the LIESAs can do against Sonees and Roseys…"
"No, he's right, Nate," Kevin interjected. "Hunting and killing larvae via robot is one thing. Fighting Sparkies out in a war zone full of friendlies and civvies…that's a whole different story."
Nate sighed. "Look, I don't know how else to convince you guys. Just trust me – I worked with the doctor on designing these things. They're not foolproof – nothing is – but they've been programmed with variations of Asimov's three laws."
"Wasn't the first law something like 'a robot can never harm a human being'?" asked Jexis.
"They won't harm humans unless directed to," explained the mechanic. "Adult chus and larvae are fair game. And if they run into any loyalist mercs, there's an operating station in Wilderness that can remotely command them if need be. Just relax, and don't worry. There's not really that much that can go wrong with them."
"That's what they all say," chuckled Steve. "Next thing you know, everything goes Terminator."
"Ha ha." Nate sipped his orange juice and turned back to Kevin, rolling his eyes. "I got an email from Mom and Dad last night."
"Oh?" Kevin perked up instantly. Since returning from the crash site and reuniting with his brother, he'd been in regular contact with his parents through Nate's email and Skype accounts. Needless to say, both Jack and Irene Shaw had been overjoyed to learn that their son was still alive, though needless to say, both were confused as to why Kevin hadn't aged much in a full decade. Because problems of a temporal nature were hard enough to explain, Nate and Kevin had quickly changed the subject. Lucy was doing fine, too – she was off at college studying for a degree in physics. But no matter how many times Jack and Irene had suggested that they come visit CWCville, both of the Shaw brothers always shot down their requests with tales of the chu occupation and the atrocities that followed.
"I told them about the June Offensive," admitted Nate. "Mom didn't want us to fight, but I told her we had to. For the city." He smiled weakly. "Dad made me promise to look after you and make sure you don't get hurt or killed."
Kevin chuckled. "I think it's actually gonna be the other way around for once."
"That's what I said. They still can't believe that you've killed…I don't know how many it was, I just put down a guesstimate. 250 Sonees and Roseys, a dozen adult chus, and five mercs."
"More or less." Kevin took a bite of bacon and chewed thoughtfully. "Mmhgffmh…I mean, were they impressed?"
"More or less. Dad said he wants a picture of each of us with a Sonichu we killed."
"The way they keep hyping this battle up, we're probably going to get plenty of chances to do that," replied Kevin. "And while we're on this topic…does America even know what's going on here? I mean, someone must've told them about…"
"I have no fucking idea." Nate shrugged. "For all I know, the country just gave up on this place. Look what happened with Katrina. The government couldn't even clean up a damn hurricane the right way. Guess they're all too busy worrying about the elections or some shit to care about us."
"Katrina?"
"Never mind. God, that time travel Warp thing still blows my mind. You lucky bastard."
"We were just lucky to survive that," Zoey interjected.
The squad ate in silence as their various conversations died down. Kuri arrived a few minutes later, having overslept after accepting a challenge from Nick the night before to drink a tequila shot with a single drop of BYD sauce mixed in. Matt and Allie were still nowhere to be found, and Nick was still sniping targets at the practice range. As the minutes ticked by, the mood of the Honey Badgers gradually grew less cheerful and more subdued, most likely due to the inevitable battle edging its way closer and closer to all of them.
Kevin finished his bacon and eggs in silence, allowing the cafeteria's ambient chatter to distract him from the cold tension stewing in his stomach. There wasn't much he could do to help it, and he had a feeling that most of the other Jerkops in Menchi-Nasu and the rest of CWCville's PVCC HQs were experiencing the same sensation as he was. The closest thing Kevin could associate with it was the feeling of riding a roller coaster during those terrifying few seconds when the cars ascended higher and higher into the sky, drawing closer and closer to the point of no return. There was no way out, no way to go back and stop the ride and get off.
The only thing he could do was to brace himself for the fall, and hope to survive.
Menchi-Nasu, administrator meeting room, 8:45 a.m.
"What I want to know," Mary Lee Walsh stated firmly to the gathered Miscreants and the PVCC administrators broadcasting remotely from across CWCville, "is how Slumberland security allowed a single intruder to slip past their defenses and infiltrate the HQ. Giovanni, I want an explanation. Why didn't your Jerkop squads apprehend him?"
"He was unarmed, Mary," replied the Team Rocket commander from his conference screen on the wall. "Seeing as how he left those prototypes and the blueprints with us, his intentions can't have been that hostile. And if this gun can cure my Nait…"
"Only time will tell if the weapon will actually work the way he said it would," continued Walsh. "But that's not the point. The point is, if he managed to breach Slumberland, it means a loyalist spy could breach it as well. We're not ready to play the espionage game…not on the home front, at least."
"Speaking of which, have the agents been briefed on this extraction assignment?" asked Vivian Gee as she entered the room from the command and control center. "I've been in contact with the retrieval unit…looks like some of yours, Giovanni."
"Yes. I believe the Pickled Ducks are more suitable for this kind of work than a larger squad."
"Agreed." Walsh tapped a few commands onto the keyboard in front of her, pulling up what looked like a satellite image of CWCville's west side. "And speaking of the Ducks, it seems our grey-skinned friend unintentionally left another present for us. We've guided the NHFHSC surveillance drone over the western part of the city to provide targeting coordinates for the Crackder airstrikes, but we can also use it to direct our Transformers and Jerkop squads on the ground." She grabbed a laser pointer and marked a building in the upper left corner. "That's Agent McKenzie's apartment – the rendezvous point. Giovanni, you send the Ducks here once BILLY extracts Agent O'Neil. They'll be passing through the middle of the war zone…I can give them Jerkop support, but not much. I've got enough on my plate as is."
"Understood," said Giovanni. "What's Ivo's role in all this?"
"You two and Naitsirhc…uh…Reldnahc are going after Rosechu," explained the PVCC supreme commander. "Take an SAV and see if you can get her away from her 'sweetbolt'. That should buy us enough time for Wes and I to coordinate the assault on the Shopping Center."
"I'm going too," added Liquid Chris, and stepped forward, holding Kacey's hand. "I can draw Sonichu off of you three using Robotnik's decoy cloak. Knowing his ego, he'll have to go after me."
"Be careful, honey," Kacey warned him. "Don't get killed out there, okay?"
"I'll be fine," Chris assured his sweetheart. "You take care of yourself…and hold the line."
"Right. Anyway, that's about it for the preliminaries," continued Walsh. "I'll see what Graduon and I can do from the air. Silvana's been assigned to take out Magi-Chan – that is, if she doesn't embarrass herself again like she did at Spring Break."
The administrators muttered in agreement. Silvana Rosechu's defeat was one thing, but a defeat at the hands of Bubbles Rosechu was a humiliation on a completely different scale. Whatever credibility Graduon's protégé had earned for delivering the Honey Badgers back from the Warp had been all but erased in the aftermath of the failed Blake/Bubbles assassination attempt. It was a wonder Silvana had even decided to stay with the PVCC after that, but she was still a valuable auxiliary nonetheless.
Simonchu, having proved himself a worthy combatant during the loyalist attack on the crashed 4-cent_garbage supply plane, was also being deployed to the frontlines of the June Offensive. If Wild Sonichu and Simonla Rosechu were called upon to defend the city against the PVCC incursion, the Jerkops would need all the help they could get. And seeing as how Simonchu was the only result of Project Asperchu who had been cleared for active duty, he, Silvana, Reldnahc, and Wes Iseli had formed the quartet of Electric Hedgehog Pokémon (only the first two of whom were pureblood Navitaricii) assigned to assist the rebels during the attack on CWCville.
"Jason," the blond woman addressed her robed colleague from 4-cent_garbage. "Your reserves are stationed outside the east wall, correct?"
"Correct," replied Jason Kendrick Howell. "We have three dozen auxiliary squads from Tennessee awaiting Silvana's clearance. Mary, are you sure we can trust her?"
"We have no choice," Walsh muttered. "Clyde, how does it look from where your troops are?"
"Pretty fucking hot out here, Mary," Clyde Cash coughed, his voice obscured by the air filter of a stolen mercenary combat mask. "Don't worry, we'll manage. We've got more than enough firepower to take out the wall. They'll be too occupied with your Jerkops to notice us coming in from behind."
"Not if Magi-Chan detects you," cautioned Mary Lee Walsh. "Stay low and…try not to think too much. Expect heavy resistance near the wall once you get clear of the treeline. We'll give you air support if need be to take out the gun towers." She glanced around the room. "And someone tell me where the hell Max scurried off to!"
"Ah, leave the little cuz alone," Surfshack Tito chuckled. "Like the ancient Hawaiians say, he who grows coconuts…uh, in the volcanoes…um…well, in any case, we don't need his assistance just yet."
"I'm getting sick and bloody tired of that little bugger," muttered Jimmy Hill under his breath.
"Okay, I'm out. See you on the frontlines, guys," finished Clyde Cash, and clicked off his transmission. One by one, the other screens went dark, until only Mary Lee Walsh, Vivian Gee, Liquid Chris, Kacey, and Surfshack Tito remained in the meeting room.
"So what now?" asked Vivian, adjusting her glasses anxiously.
Walsh smiled. "Now…we kill them all. Every single one of them. Rise, resist, revolution."
"Rise, resist, revolution," chanted the Miscreants in unison. At long last, they had reached the third and final stage. For years they had waited, gathering their troops, sabotaging Chandler's attempts to control his dying city, and preparing for the final uprising and the destruction of the chu occupation. Now, the final battle for CWCville would begin in a matter of hours.
The board was set, and all that was left was for Walsh to sound the charge.
Henry was right, the former dean thought to herself as she turned to watch the UAV surveillance footage. In the end, every damn thing comes down to liberty or death.
Menchi-Nasu, garage, 9:04 a.m.
"Matt?" called Kevin as he made his way through the bustling crowd of technicians, Jerkops, and other PVCC personnel assigned to oversee the deployment of Menchi-Nasu's vehicle fleet. Around him, sparks flew and engines roared while the mechanics labored away at armored trucks, vans, and even a dump truck that the Spikes of Blue had managed to commandeer. Kevin's attention was not drawn to their activity, but was focused instead on the familiar yellow school bus parked on the opposite side of the garage. He had a feeling his friend would be there.
The wisps of smoke billowing through the vehicle's windows quickly confirmed his suspicions.
"…waiting for the sunset to come, people going home," slurred Matt's voice from inside. Kevin opened the Battle Bus's front door and climbed up to join him. "Jump out from behind 'em, and shoot them in the head…now everybody dancing the dance of the dead…"
"Okay, did you get any sleep last night?" Kevin asked, rolling his eyes as he sat down in the seat opposite his squadmate's. Matt and the Squirtle appeared to have somehow acquired an entire briefcase of marijuana, and they looked like they'd already worked their way through a third of it. It was a marvel the Jerkop could even string a sentence together, much less "Fire Coming Out of the Monkey's Head". Then again, Matt had a superhuman tolerance for the effects of weed…to a certain extent. Kevin hadn't forgotten the Rosey. No one had forgotten the Rosey.
"Squirtle squiiiiiiirrrrrrrtle squirtle squirt," the Squirtle yawned, and held out a joint. Its eyes were completely red, but the lopsided smile on its face was more than welcoming.
"Whennnnnnn do we have to…the meeting's…maybe?" Matt mumbled through a THC haze.
"Hour and a half." Kevin shrugged, took the joint, and popped it into his mouth. "Thanks, dude."
"Squirtle."
Kevin leaned his head back and let the first high of his life wash over him. For a few brief seconds, the drab rubber interior of the Battle Bus blurred into an incomprehensible mix of colors, and promptly switched into a visual explosion of sights and sounds that nearly blew the Jerkop's mind then and there. The thoughts of apprehension quickly faded away with each breath, leaving nothing but a gentle floating sensation behind. So this is what it's like.
"Hey Kevin?" Matt asked suddenly, fifteen or sixteen minutes into Kevin's high. His voice sounded clearer. "You think…we're all gonna die today?"
Kevin coughed. "I dunno…" He reached over and took a deep pull from the Squirtle's bong. "Maybe. We coulda died a buncha times…it's not the reason we…you're a pwetty Wosey…"
"Don't…say that," shuddered the Jerkop as he tried to grab an invisible chu larva on the ceiling. "Too many damn babies already…don't need more oh God they're coming out of the walls…"
"We're not gonna die," Kevin slurred, while Matt fought to push back the invisible tide of Sonee and Rosey hallucinations. "…cause you and me, we're gonna rain down the hellfire on those little fuckballs…hey, can I have, like, a sandwich or some pineapple or…"
"Get it yourself." Matt gave up and slumped forward, kneading his forehead. "But I think we all gotta…have fun while we can, right? Light up while you got it, right? And…so what about you and Allie… You gonna go get laid…before we ship out STOP HUGGING MY FACE!"
"That's it, I'm out of here," sighed Kevin, and stumbled his way toward the Battle Bus's front door. Matt had a point. Maybe if he managed to find Allie in all this chaos, she'd…
CRASH! Kevin's love quest was put to an immediate halt when he abruptly lost his balance and passed out on top of a crate full of scrap metal. It was a miracle he managed to avoid giving himself a concussion on the way down to the floor.
Menchi-Nasu, Honey Badger barracks, 11:53 a.m.
"Wake up. WAKE UP!"
SMACK!
"OW! WHAT THE FUCK?!" yelled Kevin as he sat bolt upright, nearly headbutting Jexis in the process. The medic had been kneeling beside him on the floor, and judging by the stinging pain in his cheek, she had just delivered him a rather effective wake-up call. "Oh. Sorry, Cadet."
"You feeling okay? How's your head?" Jexis pried open his left eye and shone a flashlight into it, temporarily blinding him. "Listen, everyone's in the garage waiting to deploy – you guys missed the briefing. They left me here to make sure you and Matt didn't…I don't know, die or something. I'm not gonna lie…Zoey was kinda pissed."
"Briefing…FUCK!" Kevin immediately clutched his head as the THC withdrawal kicked in with a vengeance. Looking around, he noticed that he was back in the squad barracks, next to Matt. The other Jerkop was still snoring peacefully, with a few crumbs of what looked like a pot brownie surrounding his mouth. "Figures. Of course we'd miss that. Fuck me."
"Honestly, I wouldn't worry too much about it. That's Steve and Al's problem." Jexis giggled. "Oh man…you should see your eyes right about now."
"Shut up," groaned Kevin, and slowly rose to his feet. "Is everyone waiting at the Battle Bus?"
The medic patted the MP5 strapped to her back. "Yep. Just waiting for the word from Walsh. This is it, right? You ready to go out and end this little war for good?"
"Hang on a sec." Kevin dashed into the sleeping quarters and slammed the door shut. Pulling his weed-covered shirt over his head, he flung it into the laundry basket and began rummaging around beneath his cot for a clean one. The rest of his gear was over in the locker room…if he hurried, he might be able to get suited up and join the rest of the squad in the garage before the attack even started…
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! The thunderous roar of explosions sounded in the distance as the final assault on CWCville began with a literal bang. Rushing to the window, Kevin stared out across the city just as a massive wing of two dozen Crackder drones shrieked overhead on their way toward another bombing run. Further away through a curtain of smoke, he could see angry flames spiraling into the sky and pieces of rubble raining down from above. The airstrikes were taking out targets in the Lightning and Zappin' districts, in a shock and awe tactic to cripple and disorient the chu population before the Jerkop ground teams were sent in to mop up the survivors and draw out the Chaotic Combo.
Grinning in anticipation, Kevin selected a clean grey t-shirt with a PVCC logo and pulled it on. He stole another glance at the growing chaos outside. Now the first wave of trucks was leaving Menchi-Nasu, carrying dozens upon dozens of battle-hardened Jerkops into the fray of what was to be the last great attempt to end the chu occupation once and for all. As the last of the vehicles vanished out of the main gate, he breathed a sigh of relief when he noticed the Battle Bus was not among them. He still had time. He and Matt still had enough time to…
"Hey."
Kevin froze in shock, and slowly glanced over his shoulder. Allie stood behind him, outfitted in full combat gear and her welder's mask. Trogdor was absent, most likely already loaded on the Battle Bus with the rest of the squad's weapons. Cradled in her arms was a large bundle of leather and cloth – Kevin's coat, shoulder strap, ammo belt, and holster.
"I brought your gear," she announced, smiling at him. "Guess Matt's still stoned out, right?"
"Right," replied Kevin, and turned to face her. Behind them, through the window, a building vanished in a cloud of smoke and a distant fireball. "Thanks. Looks like…looks like we made it all the way to Judgment Day. I can't believe it…we're finally here."
"Not yet," said Allie, and placed the bundle on his cot. "You want some help with that?"
"Nah, I'm good." The Jerkop pulled on his coat and grinned back at his squadmate. Grabbing the holster and knife sheath, he attached them to his belt, then wound the ammo belt and shoulder strap crosswise over the coat, just the way he'd always done before every one of the Honey Badgers' adventures into the war zone that was CWCville. This time, though, there was a new and ominous sensation in his heart…a feeling of hope, and finality. Soon it would all be over. Soon the Electric Hedgehog Pokémon species would be no more, and all of Chandler's hideous creations slaughtered and forgotten forever. The PVCC had been preparing for this final battle since the inception of the resistance, and now, at long last, they had the opportunity to strike at the heart of the loyalists, and end the conflict to restore order.
"You're feeling it too, right?" Allie asked. Kevin felt her hand slide into his. "It's all coming down today. We're gonna be free…"
Kevin squeezed her hand nervously. "No more Sonichus. No more Rosechus. No more larvae. No more Combo. No more Chandler. That's something worth fighting for."
"Something worth dying for, though?" Allie looked up at him. Even with the horrific burn tainting her face, her eyes still held that same blazing gleam as always. "Last night at the party…Al was drunk, but he was right. We might not get out of this alive. Understand?"
It took a few seconds for the realization of what she meant to work its way through Kevin's overhanging cloud of euphoria. "Yeah."
"Good." Allie hugged him tightly, pressing herself against Kevin in an embrace so violent that he thought it would have nearly crushed his ribcage if she'd been any stronger. "Thanks, Kevin. Thanks for everything."
Kevin could hardly even speak over the crushing band encircling his lungs. Of his own accord, he felt himself moving closer to Allie's beautiful burned face, drawing nearer and nearer until…
SLAM!
"What the fuck is taking so long?" Matt asked as he threw the door open and stumbled in, his eyes bleary and bloodshot. "I…uh…goddamn it, don't tell me you took me seriously-"
Kevin whirled around and immediately presented his friend with the absolute most withering stare he'd ever given anyone. It must have worked, because Matt's face immediately shifted from surprise to something resembling pure terror. Without a word, the Jerkop closed the door.
"Well…that escalated quickly," commented Allie, and let out an awkward laugh. "Maybe we just ought to-mmph!" Her words were sharply cut off as Kevin pulled her in and kissed her fiercely on the lips, acting on instinct before his mind could take over and ruin everything. It would have made for a perfect scene in a film or a play – the two of them locked together in front of the window while bombs rained across CWCville, the explosions throwing columns of fire and smoke so high up into the summer sky that they would soon block out the sun. The moment didn't last more than ten seconds, but for the Jerkops, it was more than enough time.
"Right," chuckled Kevin when they finally broke apart. "Glad we got that out of the way." He grabbed George's hunting knife from the table beside his cot and slid it into the sheath on his belt. "Time to go."
"Hell fucking yes," Allie replied, her voice bursting with newfound determination.
Menchi-Nasu, garage, 12:05 p.m.
The first assault wave was already underway, but the second and third group of PVCC attack vehicles still hadn't left Menchi-Nasu. PA announcements echoed through the garage as dozens of Jerkop squads rushed to and fro, loading ammunition and supplies into their trucks for the battle to come. Every so often, the roar of a Crackder's jet engine would split the sky, heralding the successful delivery of another explosive payload. Though they were out in the middle of what had to have been the most chaotic firefight of their lives, the Jerkops Walsh had chosen to participate in the first strike were hardly in any danger at all. With indomitable air support backing them up, their trickiest job at the moment was fending off any Sonichus and EHPF who had managed to figure out what was going on and attempted to retaliate.
And Steve Morrison couldn't wait to join them.
Leaning against the side of the Battle Bus, the Jerkop squad leader cut a much more imposing figure than usual, which might have had something to do with the white side-filter gas mask with red-tinted visor lenses he'd chosen to wear as part of his combat uniform for the final assault. The XM8 on his back and his new revolver – the matte-black death machine he'd recovered from the crash site - might have helped, too. Beside him, Al's loadout was no less impressive – a brown leather trench coat and reinforced shoulder guards over full Kevlar and grey cargo pants. True to his nature, the Legend had chosen both his beloved M1911 and the Desert Eagle as sidearms, along with his weapon of the day – an M4 carbine with a red dot sight and an underslung Masterkey shotgun attachment, courtesy of the immense weapons stash the Honey Badgers had helped recover. "Straight out of Call of Duty" was how Matt had described the monstrosity of an assault rifle.
"Look, I know we're not going in until the second wave," Zoey sighed as she stepped out of the bus to join Al, Steve, and Kuri – the only Honey Badgers who weren't already waiting inside, "but this is ridiculous. How much weed did those two smoke? And where the hell is Allie?"
"Jexis must've called her in or something," suggested Steve. "As long as we're not doing anything, want to give Kuri that little…you know?" He winked at Al.
Kuri blinked. "Wait, what? What's going on where?"
"Sure, why not?" The Legend stepped over to a nearby table and retrieved a large cardboard box messily tied up with string and duct tape. "Nick and I took the liberty of making you a little present. You might want to think about putting it to good use today."
"Aww, you didn't have to-" The Jerkop's jaw dropped as she tore open the package and lifted a new tekko-kagi out for all to see. It was a magnificent weapon – forged from high-carbon steel and bearing an inner layer of blue padding to protect the user's hand. A definite upgrade from the scrap-forged model she'd been using since her feral days in the abandoned zone. Furthermore, the claws seemed a bit different. They were larger, and appeared to have what looked like tiny channels cut into the steel just behind the pointy tips.
Steve smiled. "Told you she'd like it."
"Like it?" Kuri echoed incredulously, nearly squealing with delight as she examined the beautifully-crafted claws. "I love it! Thank you! Thank you thank you thank you SO MUCH!"
"Really now?" asked Al with a sinister grin. "It gets better. Watch this."
Kuri could only stare in awe as the squad commander took the tekko-kagi from her and flipped it over, then uncorked his canteen and poured a quarter cup of liquid into a cylindrical reservoir above the cushioned grip. Sealing the tank shut with a plastic cap, Al placed his hand inside the weapon, aimed it at Kuri's face, and squeezed the cylinder, hard.
SSSSSST!
"AAAAHHH!" yelled the Jerkop, shielding her eyes and leaping back as four jets of Smirnoff sprayed her straight in the face. They had come from the claws themselves.
"It's like a squirt gun, but…sharper," Steve explained. "The grip's linked to a tiny air pump we salvaged from a Super Soaker. You fill the tank with poison or lighter fluid or whatever and…"
"…and BAM! Injection," finished Al as he poured the remaining vodka into his canteen and handed the upgraded tekko-kagi back to Kuri. "We called it the TK 2.0. It's yours now - feel free to rename it." He glared at Steve. "Everyone seems to be naming their weapons these days."
"Hey, Allie started it with Trogdor," the squad leader retorted, and patted the black revolver holstered on his belt. "What on earth's wrong with Origin?"
"Nothing. I'm more confused as to why you…" Al's voice trailed off as he looked up and noticed Jexis, Kevin, Allie, and Matt making their way across the garage to join the squad. "Well well. Look who finally decided to help us take down the city. Holy Arceus, your eyes are red."
"Heh…sorry," replied Matt sheepishly. "Did anyone see what happened to the Squirtle?"
Steve shook his head. "I already checked the bus. Smells like weed, brownies, and turtle. I'm just impressed that you two managed to wake up again. Which reminds me…you guys weren't fooling around with my iPod, were you? I can't find it."
Matt reached into his pocket and retrieved the device. "Yeah. Thanks for letting me borrow it."
"I never let you borrow it," growled the squad leader as he grabbed the iPod. "Right. You four get inside – we'll brief everyone one last time before we deploy. No more fooling around."
"I want everyone on top of their game today," Zoey added, her face grim as she looked to each Jerkop in turn. "We pull this off, and it's all over for the recolors. We fuck up, and it's all over for us. It all comes down to who's left - us or them. Got it?"
Kevin and Matt nodded, then filed onto the Battle Bus after Jexis, Kuri, and Allie.
"That was a nice way of putting it, Zo," commented Steve. "You've got a point – they need to be taking this operation a lot more seriously." His smile faded. "Maybe…maybe it's for the best."
Neither Al or Zoey replied. Both of them knew exactly what Steve meant. For a while, they just stood there in silence, listening to the rumbling of truck engines around them and the distant booming of Crackder attack runs and explosions across the city. It was foolish to believe the Honey Badgers would survive the June Offensive without losing any members of their squad.
Finally, mercifully, the call to action came in.
"Honey Badger Command, Menchi-Nasu Control," an operator's voice sounded from Al's walkie-talkie. The man sounded absolutely flustered, with good reason. The command and control room at Menchi-Nasu must have been absolute chaos by now. "The name's Joseph Herring, but you can call me Joe – I've been assigned to your squad as an operator for this offensive. Are your Jerkops prepared to deploy, Manajerk Ledger? Over."
"Copy and confirm that, Joe," replied Al as he flipped down his welder's mask and activated its built-in transmitter to let him communicate with the operator and fight at the same time. "And just call me Al. No one calls me 'Manajerk Ledger' except Bagget himself. Over."
"Okay, Al. I'm trying to get your vehicle locked into our surveillance network – you'll have to forgive me, we only have one UAV and it's gonna take a while to get your squad on the grid…"
"Don't worry about that," Al interrupted. "Just tell us where we're going. Over."
Steve nudged Zoey. "We have a UAV? When did that happen?"
"Right. Hang on." A series of keyboard taps crackled out of the speaker as Joe brought up Mary Lee Walsh's plan of assault. "You're being sent to help take the freeway and get any civilians you can to safety – airstrikes just leveled the Mal-Wart and Get-Tar districts and the EHPF's launching their counterattack along the CWCville Central Highway. You only have to hold it until we send in the Red Devils to relieve you – from there, move north through Get-Tar and meet up with the White Medallions and Silvana. You're going to bait Magi-Chan, over."
"Understood." Al clenched his fist, popping his knuckles audibly. "Anything else? Over."
"Just…please don't get killed," Joe answered shakily. "We're getting reports from ChinaTown control…looks like we stirred up Punchy and Layla. Multiple casualties and captures…I think we're in for one hell of an upward struggle today. Good luck, guys. Stay in touch. Out."
"Joseph Herring…" Steve mused, thumbing the handle of his kukri. "That's a familiar name…I think he was a student here, back when this place was called Manchester. Chandler's friend."
"And we all know how long friendships with Chandler usually last," added Zoey as she stepped into the Battle Bus. "Come on, then. Let's go take back our city."
"Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more," murmured Al, and took a long drink from his canteen, emptying a full half of it. He had a feeling he'd need to save the rest for later. At the moment, though, he needed to keep himself as alert and awake as possible for the battle to come.
The Honey Badgers were going to war.
West CWCville, Lower West district, apartment block Luckette, 12:09 p.m.
While the bombs fell around her and Crackder drones shrieked past her penthouse's massive picture window, Ivy O'Neil casually lay on her sofa, sipping at a makeshift cocktail she'd managed to assemble from her emergency liquor stash and some leftover orange juice. There was plenty of CWC Orange Soda in the minibar…but frankly, she wasn't in the mood for tainting her precious Absolut with any of his copyright-infringing soft drinks. It was bad enough that Chandler had drawn her enjoying a glass of Orange Soda with him in his abominable honeymoon fantasy. Then again, his choice of beverage was the least of that comic's problems.
Stay in the Time Void all you want, little Chris, she thought to herself, and grinned wickedly. You're never getting any of THIS china. Oh, I can't wait until you come back and see what my friends and I did to your precious little city and all your precious little recolors…
BANG! BANG! BANG!
"Miss O'Neil! Are ya in there?" a Sonichu guard's nasally voice addressed her from the other side of the penthouse door. "We're here to zap to the extreme and get you to safety!"
Not fucking likely. The PVCC agent gulped down the rest of her drink and rose to her feet. She wasn't the least bit concerned about the airstrikes – Mary Lee Walsh had made it quite clear that Luckette had been designated as a "no-bomb" zone, since Ivy's intel on Chris was too important for Walsh to risk killing her by friendly fire. Her security was too tight for her to call Menchi-Nasu from her apartment, but if the extraction went as planned, the administrators would have a collection of vital information in their hands by the end of the day. Even if Agent McKenzie's cover was blown, Ivy still had enough dirt on Chandler to ensure complete victory for the rebels.
Now it was all up to BILLY MAYS.
"Miss O'Neil!" shouted the guard again, pounding on the door. "Open this door or we'll…"
"All right, I'm coming!" Ivy grabbed the duffel bag full of intel and checked to make sure she still had her Beretta. The city was at war, after all, and things were undeniably going to get ugly.
The Luckette's windowed penthouse elevator slowly descended floor by floor, revealing the chaos unfolding in the city outside. Ivy promptly broke down in a fit of fake sobs, playing up her persona as Chandler's sweetheart to the max as she watched the bombs rain down on CWCville. Had the four EHPF guards not been flanking her at the moment, she would have been jumping for joy. The recolors were getting a taste of the city's fury at last. Revenge was sweet indeed.
"Wh-where are we going?" she gasped, pretending to wipe away a stream of tears.
"Those…those monsters are attacking our city!" replied the lead Sonichu, his voice filled with overdramatic outrage. "We've got to get you out of here so you can be our creator's heartsweet when he returns!" He flashed her a smug, overconfident smile. "Don't worry, I'll protect you!"
"We're not going out there, are we?" Ivy put on her most convincing "damsel in distress" expression and looked up at the chu, silently hoping he was smart enough to recognize a death trap. Most of the mercenaries were competent soldiers, but the EHPF, to say the least…were not.
"There's nothing to worry about," explained the officer, shifting uncomfortably as a Crackder swooped around the apartment and fired off a blast of energy that exploded an EHPF truck in the streets below. "We'll just go through the subway tunnels! There aren't any dirty Jerkops down there! But we've got to get all of the helpless little babies out of here! The jerks are giving them too much stress, and they need big strong Sonichus like us to protect them and their mommies!
Ivy giggled, stifling the disgust building in her guts. "Sonichu brought little Robbie to the last meeting and showed him off to everyone! The little guy says he's getting faster every day!"
A collective "awww" swept the elevator as the EHPF officers sighed in ridiculous admiration. Ivy's praise was a complete and utter lie – Robbie Sonee was still about as fast as he'd been a year ago and would never improve, no matter how many times he and his father repeated the same tired old lines about how the little Sonee was going to be as strong and fast as his daddy, and would be the next leader of the Chaotic Combo when he evolved.
CRASH! The elevator lurched suddenly and halted, shaken by what sounded like an explosion from below. Ivy covered her mouth with her hands as if in shock, masking her enormous grin.
Late as usual, BILLY.
"What the heavy metal rock band?" exclaimed the lead officer as he fruitlessly pounded on the door with a gloved fist. "Why'd it stop? Why'd it stop? It's not supposed to be this hard!"
As the chus clustered around the sealed elevator doors and began trying unsuccessfully to push them open, a transport-class Crackder leveled off just above them, hovering in midair as a pair of rappel lines unrolled out of from the troop bay. In the confusion, Ivy quickly slipped a pair of earplugs in and readied herself for the extraction. This was going to be loud.
Two Jerkops, both armed with MP5s, slid down the lines and opened fire just as Ivy hit the floor, shattering the curved glass of the elevator window and exposing its occupants to the howling, blazing wind outside. As a third line slid past the broken elevator, the two PVCC operatives swung away before the Electric Hedgehog Pokémon could shock them.
"IT'S NOT FAIR!" whined another Sonichu, his cheekspots sparking with built-up electricity. "WE WEREN'T READY FOR THIS!"
The third attacker dropped down from above, holding the line with one hand and a Benelli M4 shotgun with the other. The four chus could have shocked him any time they wanted, but for some absurd reason that had everything to do with their innate hero complexes, they maintained their ridiculous battle stances, waiting for this new villain to introduce himself and declare his intention to kidnap the lovely and helpless Ivy O'Neil and defeat her brave and heroic guardians.
Unfortunately, the newcomer in an OxiClean shirt fulfilled their expectations a little too well.
"HI, BILLY MAYS HERE TO SEND YOUR ELECTRIC HEDGEHOG ASSES STRAIGHT TO HELL!" roared BILLY MAYS, and let loose with a thunderous double blast that shredded the lead Sonichu's torso into a bloody mess of exposed ribs and ruptured organs. Swinging to the right, he fired the semiautomatic shotgun again and blasted another Electric Hedgehog Pokemon right in the face, destroying the front of the chu's skull and annihilating its brain and eyes. SMG fire from the other two Jerkops quickly cut down the remaining EHPF officers in a matter of seconds, leaving a bloodstained and very shaken Ivy as the only survivor of the elevator.
"Hi, BILLY MAYS here!" MAYS repeated as the PVCC secret agent quickly leapt up and grabbed her duffel bag. "And I want to tell YOU all about our plan to get you out of here! It's easy! Just follow this one simple step…and JUMP FOR IT!"
Slinging the straps of her bag around her neck for safekeeping, Ivy leapt and grabbed hold of the rappel line. For an instant, she thought she wouldn't be able to hold on. Then BILLY's hand fastened around her arm like a vice, keeping her from slipping until she could find a secure hold on the rope. The Jerkops swung over to help. Ivy handed them the bag and let out a sigh of relief as she began climbing after BILLY, toward the Crackder hovering overhead.
The handoff was complete. All she needed to do now was survive the trip back to Menchi-Nasu.
West CWCville, CWCville Central Highway, 12:16 p.m.
"Holy shit," breathed Nate as the Battle Bus smashed through a closed security gate and into the ruins of what had once the massive Target superstore's parking lot. The airstrikes had all but leveled the main building, leaving only a cratered ruin and a heap of rubble in its wake. Judging by the pair of S.A.V. mechs providing overwatch outside and the distant muzzle flashes coming from within the wreckage, the PVCC's wrath was coming down hard on any Electric Hedgehog Pokémon who'd happened to be shopping there when the bombs started to fall.
"Watch the rubble," Steve ordered, leaning forward to study the elevated CWCville Central Highway that loomed before them like a colossal burning bridge of concrete and twisted steel. Up in the driver's seat, Matt nodded and wheeled the bus back and forth around the treacherous minefield of asphalt chunks. Everywhere the Jerkops looked, they were greeted with more scenes of destruction and chaos. The city itself seemed to be ablaze, belching columns of smoke and immense sheets of fire into the sky. What little sunlight remained now shone down from above in thin rays of light, but to the citizens of CWCville, it was as if night had fallen on their city.
Kevin sat motionless in his seat, clutching the barrel of his AK-47 with sweaty fingers as the bus lurched its way across the parking lot toward the besieged highway. The other Honey Badgers were just as lost for words as him. Too often they had walked these same streets and seen these same buildings while out on patrol, but now that the final battle had begun, almost nothing was recognizable anymore. Off in the distance to the west, muffled explosions and flashes of light heralded the beginning of another wave of airstrikes. With any luck, collateral damage to the human population would be minimal at worst.
"Talk to me, Joe," Al growled from the seat behind Kevin's. "Our ETA's about two minutes before boots on the ground. What's it look like up on the freeway? Over."
"Okay, I finally got the high-altitude feed set up," Joseph Herring stated through the Legend's walkie-talkie. "You're gonna want to take the ramp opposite your approach – it's on the Mal-Wart side. You've got EHPF coming in from the west – there's a Crackder wing waiting to take out the highway, but you need to get any civilians out of there before I can call in the airstrike."
"Understood. Patch me through to the squad commander on the freeway."
The radio clicked into silence as Joe switched frequencies. Within seconds, the bus was filled with the static-laced crackling of gunshots and explosions.
"Honey Badger Command, Straw Dog Command!" a man's voice sounded from the receiver. "Arceus, it's about time we got some fucking backup! Where the hell are you?"
"Crossing out of the Target lot now," replied Al, and braced himself as Matt smashed the Battle bus right through the chain-link fence and back into the streets of CWCville. "I need a sit-rep, Straw Dog Command. How many Sparkers, how many mercs, and how many injured? Over."
"Plenty of all three," panted the squad commander. Kevin could hear what sounded like a minigun blazing away in the background. Looking up at the colossal highway, he could barely make out a colossal S.A.V. in mech form firing its shoulder-mounted autocannon to support the beleaguered Jerkops above. "We've got a Transformer keeping 'em pinned for now. Lots of civilians trapped in the line of fire, over!"
"Copy, Straw Dog Command, we're on our way. Out." Al looked up from the radio at Steve. "Looks like we've got our work cut out for us. Any ideas?"
"Yeah. Kill every single fucking loyalist out there," replied the squad leader bluntly, and rose to his feet, grabbing the handrail overhead as the bus swerved onto the curved ramp that led to the CWCville Central Highway. "Everyone up! Check your weapons! THIRTY SECONDS!"
Kevin stood up quickly and glanced back toward Allie. The memory of their kiss still lingered in his mind, even as the harsh rattles of gunfire from the frontline grew louder and louder around the Battle Bus. There were only a few seconds left…just a few more before…
The armored vehicle lurched over the last damaged stretch of ramp and onto the highway, revealing what had become of the immense road in the wake of the bombing campaign. Kevin could hardly believe his eyes as a river of immobile, frantically honking cars stretched out as far as the eye could see. Several dozen of the vehicles lay in ruins near the frontline, burning and riddled with bullet holes while their occupants – both human and chu - fled for safety. Further down the road, a barricade of wrecked cars had been assembled for the Jerkops by the helpful S.A.V. unit, which was now laying down suppressive fire on the loyalist defenders.
"End of the line, Honey Badgers!" yelled Steve, flipping his gas mask down as the armored bus thundered toward the battlefront. "LET'S TAKE THIS FUCKING CITY! RISE! RESIST!"
"REVOLUTION!" shouted the rest of the Honey Badgers in unison. With a screeching hiss, the Battle Bus ground to a halt beside half of a destroyed minivan, nearly colliding with the wall of cars. Matt wrenched the door control lever down and immediately ducked for cover in his seat as a burst of assault rifle fire thundered and ricocheted across the vehicle's armored windshield.
"EVERYONE OUT! GO! GO!" Al roared, pointing furiously to the open door. "Nick, get on the machine guns and TAKE OUT THOSE MERCS!"
Arceus protect us, Kevin thought to himself as he followed Nate out of the bus and into the fray.
The sheer shock of entering the battlefield nearly knocked Kevin to his knees. A wave of pure, blistering heat washed over him as soon as he stepped off the Battle Bus, forcing him to shield his eyes with one hand while clutching his AK-47 with the other. And the smell…a heavy, odorous mix of burnt hair, blood, acrid smoke, and engine oil hung in the air above the freeway, filling the Jerkop's nostrils with the hot stench of battle every time he took a breath. Kevin had been wondering why Steve had brought his gas mask in the first place. Now it all made perfect sense. He wished he'd thought of that too.
Looking around, Kevin could see that the majority of his squadmates were suffering similar blows to their senses. Serge, on the other hand, merely coughed once and wrenched open the Battle Bus's underside storage locker to reveal Baba Yaga and Trogdor the Burninator. Before Allie and Serge could retrieve their weapons, an Indian man wearing red combat armor and carrying a SPAS-12 appeared from the wreckage, his face caked in ashes and a smear of blood.
"Thank fucking Arceus," coughed the Jerkop as Al and Steve stepped forward to greet him. "You guys have no idea what kind of shit we've been fighting off up here. Dijer Turk, squad commander of the Straw Dogs."
"Al Ledger, Honey Badgers squad commander. This is my squad leader, Steve Morrison." Al gazed across the besieged highway through the visor of his welder's mask, taking in the scene of chaos and destruction around him. "What do you need us to do?"
"S.A.V.'s not gonna hold 'em off for long," replied the Manajerk, wincing as the Transformer's autocannon roared in the background. "We'll keep the Sparkies and mercs occupied while you clear off the bridge. Send any civilians you find back here – we'll get them out of the way."
"Sounds like a plan," Al nodded to Steve. "Send the Bus over to help 'em out. We got this."
"We're clear!" the blond Jerkop yelled into his headset. Kevin could hardly hear Steve through the mask's air filter, but his own walkie-talkie was working fine. "Get out of here, Matt! Go!"
"Copy that. Stay down!" The air exploded around the assembled Jerkops as the Battle Bus rolled across the stretch of asphalt behind them and opened up with the machine gun mounted on its left side. Looking up through teary smoke-filled eyes, Kevin could barely see Nick clutching the SAW while the weapon flashed and spat a stream of heavy bullets into the enemy positions on the other side of the battlefield. The barrage continued for ten more seconds until Matt pulled the vehicle out of harm's way, leaving the Honey Badgers and Dijer on their own.
"This is fucking insane!" shouted Nate, leaning out from behind an intact pickup truck to scope out any possible mercenary targets. A pair of stray rounds pinged off the vehicle's hood, each leaving a deep dent in the painted metal surface and forcing the sniper back under cover. "Son of a bitch! Al, Steve, they spotted us!"
Steve glanced at Amanda and pointed toward the sounds of enemy gunfire. "Get a few grenades over there and let 'em know we mean business. Serge, set up Baba Yaga here and give us some suppression fire. Nate, pick off anything that pops up with a gun or cheekspots. Kevin, Zoey, Kuri, Jexis, we're gonna work our way from car to car and clear off this freeway! Only human survivors, got it?"
Kevin grinned and patted his assault rifle. "No problem."
"GO!" Steve dashed off toward a cluster of seemingly abandoned cars. Almost immediately, the low thunk of Amanda's grenade launcher sounded from behind them, along with a hollow crack from Nate's Barrett. Kevin slid down to the street beside the closest vehicle he could find, taking cover while Zoey and the rest of his squadmates split up to find their own cars to search. Reaching up to the door, he wrenched it open and aimed the assault rifle inside.
A stocky, elderly woman lay dead at the wheel, her chest dripping blood and her eyes squeezed shut in pain. Suppressing the surge of nausea building in his stomach, Kevin checked the rest of the car for survivors, then moved on to the next one. His search revealed nothing more than an empty vehicle. The occupants had most likely abandoned it as soon as the attack began.
BANG! BANG! Two sharp reports from Zoey's AK sounded across the highway. Kevin looked over just in time to see Steve grabbing a wriggling yellow blob from inside an intact car and holding it up while Zoey plunged her bayonet into its belly and impaled the little chu on it. She spun away just as Steve drew Origin, took aim briefly, and fired a white phosphorous incendiary bullet into the car, igniting a Rosey who was struggling to free herself from the straps of her little car seat. The larva struggled and screamed, thrashing around as she was burned alive. Steve simply watched the baby chu die, chuckling to himself while Zoey continued stabbing the Sonee.
Frustrated, Kevin drove the stock of his assault rifle into the window of another car, shattering the glass. A chorus of screams sounded from inside as he popped the lock open and kicked the door, ready to introduce its Electric Hedgehog Pokémon occupants to a wall of hot lead and pain.
"DON'T SHOOT! DON'T SHOOT!" yelled a black-haired woman who appeared to have been in her 30s. Her two children, a pair of young boys, lay huddled on the car seat, whimpering in fear as they stared at the Jerkop. It took Kevin a few seconds to realize what he'd nearly done.
"Arceus. Are you okay? Are you okay?" he asked frantically, lowering the Kalashnikov. "Don't worry, we're gonna get you out of here! Anyone else inside?"
"Just us!" replied the mother, relief and panic blazing in her eyes. "Oh God, what's happening?"
"Revolution, ma'am," Kevin replied with a grim smile, and helped her get the kids out of the car.
CRACK! BOOM! Further down the highway, the S.A.V. took a direct hit from a loyalist Javelin missile and staggered backward a few steps, its chest a sizzling mess of armor and machinery. The Transformer had been severely crippled by the explosion. Another shot like that and the Jerkops would be on their own in terms of fire support.
"Go! Go!" Kevin herded the woman and her children away from the car, keeping a wary eye on Steve all the while. The squad leader had located an injured man trapped in an overturned pickup truck, and was currently in the process of pulling the civilian to safety as bursts of loyalist and Jerkop fire crisscrossed overhead and rebounded off the clusters of wrecked vehicles around them. The S.A.V.'s targeting system must have been destroyed by the missile, because it was now firing its autocannon up into the air and spinning its upper body around randomly.
Gritting his teeth, Kevin moved from car after car in a frantic search pattern. Most of them were empty, and the ones that weren't either held one or two dead human civilians or a few injured ones that needed to be rescued. No chus yet, though. He hoped Steve and Zoey hadn't just cleared out the only car on the freeway full of helpless Electric Hedgehog Pokémon. Judging by the lack of gunfire and screaming chu larvae, Kuri and Jexis weren't having much luck either.
A bead of sweat slid down Kevin's cheek from his eyebrow, mingling with the dust and grime coating his face. Move. Keep moving. Get to the next one. The sooner you finish, the sooner they can blow this whole road to hell.
"IS PERFECT DAY FOR PLAYING WITH BABA YAGA, SHOCK-PIGS!" Serge bellowed. Through the snaps and hisses of bullets flying past, Kevin heard the minigun warming up behind him. Not a moment too soon, the mechanical roar of Baba Yaga filled the air, forcing the entrenched mercs and EHPF officers to seek cover wherever they could. Seizing the opportunity, Kevin sprinted out of cover and fired two bursts from his AK, then headed for the last major pile of cars he could see. Steve had taken shelter near the center of the highway, blasting away at the enemy lines with more white phosphorous rounds from Origin. So far, the squad leader had turned a VW Beetle into a small inferno and was in the process of doing the same to a minivan.
Once again, Kevin smashed out the front window of the first car and did his normal sweep. Empty. So were the second and third. The fourth, however, yielded his first catch of the day.
"AAAAAHHH!" shrieked a Rosechu as a heavy kick from the Jerkop's boot reduced her car's windshield to a shower of broken glass. "NOOOOOOOOOOO! SAVE ME! SOMEBODY S-"
Kevin didn't even bother telling her to shut up. Lifting the AK like a club, he drove the wooden stock into the chu's skull at point blank range, instantly breaking her neck with a loud crack.
"WAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! MOMMMMMMMYYYYYYY!" wailed a pair of Roseys from the backseat. Like the one Steve had just incinerated, the baby Electric Hedgehog Pokémon were securely buckled into their Rosey-sized car seats, making it all too easy for Kevin to climb through the shattered windshield and gut both of them with George's hunting knife in less than fifteen seconds. As the larvae shrieked and writhed and clutched at their lacerated midsections, Kevin felt something small and fat wriggling next to his pant leg. Looking back, he could see a Sonee struggling to heave its plump, dense body out of the car, its sneakered stumpfeet kicking wildly in midair. The baby chu hadn't even hesitated before attempting to save itself, thereby leaving its sisters and mother behind to die at the Jerkop's hands.
Kevin decided then and there to grant the selfish little bastard a particularly nasty fate.
"Need some help, spunky?" he said condescendingly, and slid back down through the windshield and into the street. The Sonee hung by its tiny armstubs like a fuzzy ornament, its static cling keeping it attached to the dashboard while it kicked and wriggled helplessly. Kevin watched its pathetic struggle for another second or two, then plucked the baby Electric Hedgehog Pokémon out of the car and tucked it under his armpit. It immediately tried to shock him with a Spark, but somehow missed its target entirely and promptly gave up. Self-preservation, apparently, was just too much hard work for the little homebred.
"WET ME GO!" it wailed as Kevin dashed over to rejoin Steve and the others. "WET ME GO!"
"That's it, we're done!" the squad leader yelled into his headset. Leaping to his feet, he fired off a last shot from Origin and stowed the revolver. "Fall back! EVERYONE FALL BACK!"
"We got the airstrike?" Kevin shouted, clutching the wriggling Sonee as he and the other Honey Badgers hastily retreated back toward the barricade of wrecked cars.
"Al just put out the call to Menchi-Nasu," Steve replied. The right sleeve of his white sweatshirt was now dotted with red splashes of blood from the chu family he'd just murdered. "Good job out there. As soon as they take out the road, we're gonna have to carve our way out of Get-Tar."
"Believe me, Steve," panted the Jerkop, "I have no problemswith that." The captured Sonee whimpered pathetically and began kicking him in the side. It didn't hurt at all, but Kevin delivered the baby chu a forceful slap across its belly nonetheless, resulting in a shrill scream.
"Arceus knows they could all use a good spanking," commented Steve as the five operatives slid back behind the barricade to rejoin the rest of the squad. "Good job, guys. Anyone get hit?"
"Serge took hit in knee," reported Serge, and flicked away a bloody two-inch-long shard of shrapnel as if it had been a mere splinter in his thumb. The injury hadn't even fazed him.
"Yeah, we're good," Nate added, and glanced down at the Sonee that Kevin had captured. "Aw, did you bring me back a present, little bro?"
"I think your Barrett could use a silencer," Kevin replied with a massive grin, positioning the Sonee's bottom right over the barrel of his older brother's sniper rifle. "Watch this."
"Wat awe you doi-WAAAAAAAUUGHHGUHGUHGUGHUGHUG HGGHGHGHHHH!"
"That's it, we got the freeway clear," reported Steve, wiping a smear of ash from his gas mask as Al and Dijer hurried over. "What's the damage report look like so far?"
The Straw Dogs commander gritted his teeth in fury. "Not good. They took out the S.A.V. and two of my men – another three injured. We would've lost half the squad without you guys."
"Glad we could help. Matt, bring her back," Al waved to the Battle Bus on the other side of the highway, where Nick was providing fire support to a small group of entrenched Straw Dogs. Behind the Legend, Kevin and Nate were busy forcing the end of the Barrett up into the Sonee's butthole, crushing the baby chu's organs and making it shriek with pain and terror as the Jerkops effectively impaled it all the way through its chubby body from ass to mouth.
"That's just fuckin' wrong," Amanda said, shaking her head in disapproval. "I keep tellin' you, you need to go slower. The little bastard's gonna die too quick now."
Kevin looked up at her. "There's plenty more where this one came from. We've got all day."
"Damn right." The Jerkop shouldered her grenade launcher and squinted up at something in the sky. "Yo, check it out! Special delivery from Menchi-Nasu, you Sparky motherfuckers!"
"EVERYONE BRACE!" shouted Steve as the Crackders shrieked overhead. Kevin hit the ground just as the first explosions rocked the highway, shaking the entire structure as if it had been nothing more than a toothpick bridge. For a moment, he wondered if the bombers had taken out one of the support columns by accident, and if the whole thing was going to come crashing down with two entire Jerkop squads still on it. Then a massive cheer rang out across the barricade. Looking out over the highway, Kevin could see the asphalt and concrete crumbling and falling apart like clumps of dry sand. The entire stretch of road collapsed down into the street below, taking with it any vehicles and corpses that the Jerkops had left behind, as well as the few EHPF officers stupid enough to linger by the edge and shake their fists at the PVCC operatives.
There was nothing they could have done for the dead men, women, and children in those cars. Time was short enough already, and removing the dozens of bodies would have resulted in even more collateral damage to the city's innocents.
"Fucking fantastic job, guys," Al complimented the Honey Badgers as Matt pulled up to retrieve them. "We're on our own for now in terms of support. The Red Devils can take it from here."
"Finally, something good," grunted Steve, and stepped into the bus. "What now?"
The Legend pointed to the other side of the gap in the highway. "Nick, Nate, give 'em a little sniper fire as a parting gift…what the hell did you do to that rifle, Nate?"
Nate shrugged and patted the Sonee impaled on the front of his Barrett. Incredibly, it was still clinging to life and kicking vigorously. The little chus really did pack a lot of action…it just only seemed to manifest in situations like this. "Just an improvised silencer, sir."
"Indeed," Al replied, visibly impressed. "Carry on." He turned to Steve and lowered his voice as Nate hurried down the aisle and took up a sniping position from the window seat next to Nick's. "We're losing the eastern front. Clyde's reserves almost got annihilated by Wild and Simonla before they could even hit the edge of the city. They're in full retreat…looks like we're not getting any reinforcements from 4-cent_garbage anytime soon."
"Aw, fuck." Steve crashed into the seat next to Zoey and ripped the gas mask off his face, ruffling his hair with his free hand. "Fucking hell. Any more bad news?"
"Yeah." Al took a long swig from his canteen. "Three ChinaTown squads went up against Punchy and Layla over in the Lower Central district. It's a fucking disaster – no one even knows what happened to them. Joe says the UAV's been spotting ambulances carting dead and injured Jerkops over to CWCville Prison. Three guesses as to what they're gonna do with the live ones."
"Un-brainwashing," hissed Steve in helpless rage. "Arceus."
"Exactly." The Legend's fingers curled into a fist. "Looks like we're going to have to play by our own rules for a while if we want to make this offensive worth anything. No more fucking around with this 'freeways and airstrikes' bullshit – we're hitting these bastards where it hurts."
Zoey perked up. "I'm in. Any ideas on where to start?"
Al smiled and pointed out the window. Through the chaotic din erupting through the city, Kevin could barely hear the tolling of distant bells.
"Hit them where it hurts," echoed Steve, following Al's finger back to the target. His blue eyes narrowed into a frozen stare of hatred and anticipation as they settled on the massive steeple of the CWCville Central Church of GodJesus. "Yes. YES. Oh sweet fucking Arceus, YES!"
"Hmm?" Kuri glanced up from her new tekko-kagi. She hadn't decided on a name for the weapon yet, but so far, she'd settled on filling the injector reservoir with the contents of a bottle of lemon juice that Al had given her as a present. "Well, you're certainly excited today, Steve."
"You should be excited too, Kuri." Steve replied as he reached over and patted her on the arm, near the deep scar that Angelica Rosechu had given her back in 2004. "We're going to church."
West CWCville, Get-Tar district, CWCville Central Church of GodJesus, 12:38 p.m.
"May the Lo0rd have mercy on those who slander us!" shouted the white-furred Sonichu preacher, pointing savagely to his copy of Sonichu #5 to emphasize the crudely-drawn scenes of Jerkop caricatures terrorizing and beating up young couples. "Since that love-hating witch Mary Lee Walsh created it, the PVCC has made a mockery of this city! Y'all should know! Y'all can see it on the news and in the streets! Trolls! Jerks! Homos! Despicable insults to our Lo0rd!"
"Oh, for fuck's sake…" muttered George as a roar of utter outrage swept through the gathered congregation of Sonichus and Rosechus. The few dozen humans among them remained seated in the pews, either praying silently or comforting each other while the chus ranted and raved around them. Having to deal with several dozen religiously retarded Electric Hedgehog Pokémon was a small price to pay for protection from the war that was sweeping through the city outside.
"It'll be okay, honey," Missy June reassured her husband in a forceful whisper. "We'll just go back to the Soup Hotel when this is all over. Just ignore them. They're all gonna die someday, and you can bet that we'll be there to see it happen."
"God willin', that'll happen today," added Carl from his seat beside the homeless couple. "Frank, ya good-for-nothin' bastard, get the big man upstairs ta send more fire an' brimstone already!"
"If he's up there…and he actually exists, God probably doesn't want anything to do with this asshole of a city," George growled. Organized religion had never particularly appealed to him, and having to witness this bastardization of Christianity wasn't doing much to change his mind.
"Those JERKS," continued the preacher from the front of the church, "have disrupted our way of life, promoted the vile act of homosexuality, caused stress among our species, and have even gone as far as to slander the good and honest name of our mayor, Christian Weston Chandler!"
The Sonichus and Rosechus erupted into a cacophony of overly dramatic gasps and disgusted shouts. George let out an exasperated sigh and sank back in the pew, placing a hand across his face. Something soft and fuzzy slammed into him and squeaked loudly. Uncovering his eyes, the hobo sat up and stared down in revulsion at a tiny Sonee attempting to crawl onto his lap. Only the youngest of the chu larvae accompanied their parents in the main part of the church – the other homebreds had been sent to Sunday school so they didn't get stressed out. Unfortunately for George and the other humans who had taken cover in the church, the idea of proper parenting for the Electric Hedgehog Pokémon was to let their spawn wander around wherever they wanted.
"Sonee! Goo-goo! Sonee!" cried the baby chu as it heaved its plump body onto the bearded man's leg. Gritting his teeth disgustedly, George snatched it around its torso and handed it back to the Rosechu who had abandoned it. It took him several attempts to finally get her attention.
"You lost your baby…ma'am," he grunted, suppressing the "you vapid whore" he would have liked to add in place of his last word. "Watch your children more carefully next time, please."
"Don't tell my heartsweet what to do, you jerk!" the Rosechu's hubby-bolt retorted as his wife hysterically grabbed the squealing Sonee away from George and began cuddling and tickling it in a ridiculous display of maternal affection. "Y'all be quiet and listen to the word of our Lo0rd!"
George ignored the Sonichu and turned away. Any more insanity and he might have snapped.
The preacher raised a remote and clicked on a lazily-assembled PowerPoint presentation set to soft Christian rock, filled with dozens of pictures of Sonees and Roseys trying their best to look like adorable little children, rather than the hideous dead-eyed mock-babies they really were.
"Look around on the streets! What have y'all seen? Hundreds of our innocent babies lying dead on the ground…murdered by those dreaded homos for their inherit hatred of all that is pure, and Lo0rd knows, there's nothing purer than an innocent baby!" He smiled and raised both gloved hands in the air as the chu congregation loudly voiced their approval. Some Rosechus even held their children aloft and shook them roughly, making the larvae squeal and giggle with happiness.
Now it was Carl's turn to groan. Thankfully, the collective shouts from the Electric Hedgehog Pokémon churchgoers drowned out his voice. Missy June shot him a sympathetic glance, but she herself seemed on the verge of a breakdown. On the way in, she'd been accosted by a trio of Roseys who had unsuccessfully tried to climb up her legs and paraskirt down. It had been nearly impossible for her to resist punting the repulsive little chus all the way into the next county.
"But fear not!" continued the white Sonichu. "For in 2 Kings 2, a group of dirty homo JERKS mocked and belittled the prophet Elisha, and GodJesus sent two female bears - with true and honest chinas, ovaries, and uteruses - to end the lives of those trolls and end their slanderous ways! And so, as the PVCC mock and slander the good name of the Lo0rd's greatest servant and our mayor, he will bring justice to them too! Y'all will be his faithful pawns, carrying out his will by ridding our great city of CWCville from its troll plague once and for all!"
"YEAH!" The Sonichus in the crowd leapt to their feet simultaneously and struck heroic poses while the Rosechus swooned and fawned over their sweetbolts. It was almost too much for George. Only Missy June's reassuring hand on his arm prevented him from storming up to the pulpit and beating the snot out of that smug recolor and any others who tried to stop him.
"So homos, trolls, atheists, JEWS, and everyone else who goes against the Lo0rd and our mayor, y'all had better run, 'cause GodJesus will show you NO MERCY! And neither will we!"
The lights flickered. Somewhere nearby, a loud explosion rocked the church. Never before had George actually been eager to have a building collapse on him. As long as it silenced the chus, he would gladly take death in an avalanche of concrete and brick over…
CRASH!
George, Missy June, Carl, and the rest of the amassed humans and Electric Hedgehog Pokémon whirled around in their seats as the front wall of the church literally buckled outward and exploded into a massive cloud of dust and flying chunks of debris. Seconds later, part of the roof caved in as well, shattering the giant circular stained glass window instantly. The colored glass picture of Angelica Rosechu disintegrated in an iridescent shower of fragments that rained down on the collapsed chunks of wall like glittering rain.
There came a single flash from beyond the ruins, and the thunderous report of a sniper rifle echoed through the church. Breathless, George turned around to see the Sonichu preacher toppling backward off the pulpit, a dark red stain blossoming across the white fur of his chest.
The screaming and shooting began a moment later.
Advancing in a makeshift firing line, the Honey Badgers emerged from the cloud like harbingers of doom, blazing away with their assault rifles and shotguns at anything with yellow or pink fur they could see. Ten chus and six larvae died in the first five seconds, torn apart by the furious storm of flying bullets before they could dash or waddle away. The rest of the Electric Hedgehog Pokémon immediately scattered, some of them abandoning their own children in their haste. Frightened though they were by the gunfire around them, the human refugees were smart enough to stay down and hide, knowing full well that the Jerkops had no intention of massacring them.
"This," yelled Kevin over a loud burst from his AK-47, "is more like it! Awesome shot, Nate!"
"Thanks!" Nate shouted back, and loosed off another shot from the Barrett. The Sonee impaled on its muzzle spasmed once, and across the room, a Rosechu fell dead, her skull obliterated in a fraction of a second. The Jerkop sniper swung to the left, dropped to one knee, and blasted another Rosechu twice in the back, bracing the heavy rifle's stock against his shoulder to avoid recoil. Kevin contented himself with taking potshots at the nearest pair of chus he could find, smiling in immense satisfaction as the lovehogs' bodies flew apart before his vicious onslaught.
Beside him, Allie advanced step by step, firing her pistol again and again at the tiny crying Sonees and Roseys, bursting their misshapen heads open and punching gaping holes through their fat little bodies. Trogdor the Burninator hissed gently on her back, stowed for safekeeping until the Jerkops could get the civilians clear of the church. For now, she and her comrades had to use extra caution when shooting in such a crowded place. Baba Yaga was out of the picture entirely – not even Serge could keep the monstrous minigun tamed once it started spinning.
By now, a few of the more foolishly brave Sonichus were attempting to stage a hasty and slipshod retaliation. With limited room to move, though, Spin Dashes were next to impossible. The best they could do was to try and zap the oncoming Jerkops to death, but in their panic and confusion, several ended up firing Thundershocks into each other or their own babies, one's Spin Dash ended up careening off course right into a statue of the Virgin Mary, and arguably the most successful attempt at fighting back was pulled off completely by accident. Zoey was in the process of shooting the legs off a shrieking Sonee when a yellow blur zipped past and slashed her three times in the elbow with its razor-edged quills, drawing a gush of blood and temporarily putting the Jerkop's left arm out of business. Reacting almost instantaneously, Nick spun around and swung his machete down across the chu's curled body, opening up its torso and spraying its innards in every direction due to the sheer momentum of its Spin Dash.
The systematic slaughter of the panicking Electric Hedgehog Pokémon churchgoers continued on and on for some time, during which Jexis managed to pull off an absolutely incredible kill by throwing her scalpel into a Rosey's eye as it paraskirted down from the top of a pew's seat. Kuri, who perhaps had figured that there would be a Sunday school full of Sonees and Roseys for her to test out her new and improved tekko-kagi on, contented herself with annihilating the youngest larvae with short, controlled bursts of P90 fire. She didn't care if the injuries were fatal or not – every last ounce of pain she dished out to the baby chus was simply another act of vengeance for her murdered family.
For Kevin, it almost seemed too easy. They had the upper hand, the element of surprise, and enough firepower to practically wipe out a city block. As the chus died and his assault rifle blazed away, all he could think of was whether or not he and the rest of the Honey Badgers would be able to stand against an enemy as powerful as one of the Chaotic Combo. They'd fought Angelica before, yes, but she would have undoubtedly learned from her defeat at their hands. Wild could have very well torn them all to pieces had Simonchu not intervened. As for Punchy, Bubbles, and Magi-Chan…well, Kevin didn't particularly want to think about fighting any of them in the near future. For now, the best thing he could do was to help his squadmates purge the church of any remaining Electric Hedgehog Pokémon.
After what seemed like five minutes of constant gunfire, the thunderous barrages died down, and with it, the ferocity of the Jerkops' assault finally waned.
"Clear left!" shouted Zoey.
"Clear right!" Steve responded.
"Clear center." Al ejected his M4's magazine and swapped it out. "Good job all around. Head down the aisles and check for chu survivors. That was a nice idea with the C4, by the way."
"Never let it be said I don't know how to make a damn good entrance," chuckled Amanda as she patted the tiny detonator on her belt. "Hope that was worth it. I don't have any more blocks."
The dust cloud rolled away behind them as Matt pulled the Battle Bus forward, directly into the church. Several steel cables had been attached to the vehicle's front battering ram – cables which the Honey Badgers had used to pull down the entire wall after blasting the corners loose with the plastic explosives. They could have just walked in through the front doors and started shooting from there…but that just wouldn't have been anywhere near as fun as the alternative.
"I missed the good parts, didn't I?" Matt asked as he stepped off the bus with his AA-12 in hand.
Al waved him over. "Just get in there and check for survivors. Look on the bright side – you just ripped down an entire fucking wall with a school bus. That's got to be worth something."
Kevin slung the AK-47 back across his shoulder and drew both his Beretta and George's hunting knife as he made his way down the aisles, passing clusters of shivering, terrified human civilians. If there were any chus left alive in the main room of the church, they were probably in no state to put up much of a fight. Al, Steve, and the rest of the squad were already putting down as many of the injured Electric Hedgehog Pokémon as they could find, as well as any baby chus who had managed to hide and escape the first barrage. Over in the far side of the room, Jexis ascended the stage, knelt down and reached inside the pulpit, then reappeared clutching a Sonee by its sneaker while the baby chu struggled and bawled in terror.
"WAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"
Wordlessly, the blond girl slid the blade of her scalpel into the larva's belly and sliced it open laterally, then reached inside its chest cavity with a gloved hand and pry its ribcage apart. The tiny bones cracked and split like dry twigs, allowing Jexis to push two fingers into the space between its lungs and seize its tiny, pounding heart.
"SONEEEEEE! SONEEEEEEEE! SONEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" screeched the baby recolor.
"Oh, don't be such a baby," the medic replied cynically, and crushed the throbbing organ into a fatty paste between her fingers. "Heart Levels come back with enough Fuzzy-Wuzzies!"
"GACK! HRRRRGGGGHHH! WUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!" The Sonee's eyes bulged out of their sockets as it gasped in pain and began spasming wildly, kicking its stumpfeet and grasping at its vivisected body in a pathetic attempt to put its heart back together. The Jerkop placed it on the pulpit and watched it slowly die, soaking the copy of Sonichu #5 with a mixture of blood and urine. The massive amounts of pain and stress had caused it to release its bladder.
"No they don't," Jexis whispered as the baby chu let out a final shuddering gasp and lay still.
Kevin turned away from the gruesome sight and focused on searching the aisles. Most of the civilians had managed to overcome the shock of being caught in the middle of a full-blown massacre. Al, Steve, and Zoey were doing their best to comfort those who were still traumatized. Matt hurried over to join him, eager to start racking up his first kills of the June Offensive.
"Nice driving for someone who smoked three pounds of weed in two hours," commented Kevin.
"It wasn't that much." Matt gently shoved his squadmate aside and planted the heel of his boot into an injured Rosey's face, crushing her skull. "And the Squirtle smoked most of it, anyway. You think they've got any communion wafers here? I'm fucking starving."
"Well, there's Roseys all over the place." Kevin grinned evilly as his friend shot him a withering death glare. "Take your pick. I'm pretty sure they all taste the same."
"Funny. Real funny."
"Kevin?" a familiar voice called out in astonishment.
The Jerkop froze dead in his tracks. No. No, it couldn't be.
"KEVIN!" yelled Missy June as she, Carl, and George dashed out of the blood-spattered pew and nearly bowled him over with a triple hug. "Where the fuck have you been? Four years, you little bastard! Four years!"
"Yer lookin' good, kid," added Carl, nodding in approval at Kevin's assault rifle and pistol. "Got yerself a job as a goddamn rebel, did ya? Frank'd be proud 'o ya, that's fer sure."
"I…know…" wheezed Kevin as he fought to extricate himself from the hobos' embrace. "Missed…you guys…too…"
"Uh, hi," Matt cut in awkwardly. Kevin looked up to see that Allie and Nate had joined them. "I'm guessing there's an explanation for your little family reunion, right?"
"Yeah." The Jerkop smiled. "I lived with these dirty bastards in Soup Hotel #4, remember?"
"Living arrangements really improved after you guys came in and remodeled the place," added Missy June. "You ever try and fall asleep when some little hedgehog-rats start crawling all over the bed and shitting in the sink and whining and…" Her voice devolved into a snarl of rage. "Fucking little shiteating cocksucking rat bastards. But you killed 'em all, didn't you?"
"Language, Missy," George warned his belligerent wife. His eyes were firmly fixed on Kevin's. "Frank was right about you, kid. People like you and your friends…you're going to deliver this city back to the people someday…back to us. And when that happens…" He raised a hand to his forehead in salute.
Kevin blinked and looked from George to Carl to Missy June. "What do you mean, someday? The city's under attack. We're taking it back today! You can come with us and help kill the…"
"Maybe today, maybe tomorrow, maybe a year from now," the homeless man sighed, and stroked his wispy beard. "Maybe I'm wrong, kid. Just know this – the city ain't yours until the Combo's dead in the streets and Chandler gets guillotined. When that day comes, we'll be there."
"Stay safe, George." Kevin stepped forward and hugged the old hobo tightly, then drew the hunting knife and handed it to him. "Here. I said I'd give this back when I…"
"And I said that you're going to shut up and keep it, Mr. Shaw." George twirled the knife around and slid it back into the sheath on Kevin's belt. "That blade's tasted more chu blood in four years than someone like me could feed it in four lifetimes." A fierce smile spread across his face as he reached out and grasped the Jerkop's shoulder. "Now go and feed those little bastards to it. See you around, kid."
Without another word, George and Missy June turned and walked away towards the gaping hole in the church wall, holding each other's hand as CWCville burned in the distance. Carl looked as if he was seriously considering Kevin's offer, then shrugged and followed the pair of hobos out into the war-ravaged street.
"And here I was thinking after 2004, we wouldn't get another chance to blow up a building, kill ridiculous amounts of baby recolors, and save a bunch of hobos," commented Matt as he began scratching his head. He checked his AA-12's magazine. "Funny how these things work out."
"Speaking of which…" Allie holstered her pistol and heaved Trogdor around off her shoulder.
Nate smiled. "You just read my mind. Let's go kill 'em all."
CWCville Shopping Center parking lot, 12:43 p.m.
Wiping a trickle of sweat from his spiky brow, Wes-Li Sonichu leapt onto the roof of the nearest vehicle – a white pickup truck - to survey the battlefield. Jerkop squads were everywhere, clustered around parked cars and trucks and trading fire with the loyalist defenders and automated sentry turrets while mortar and RPG teams kept a constant stream of shells and explosives soaring across the battlefield and into the glowing green dome that prevented them from storming the Shopping Center and killing every single loyalist and chu trapped inside.
The shield had already taken an immense amount of damage from the preliminary bombing, but at the rate his troops and the airborne drones were emptying their arsenals into it, not even Patti-Chan herself would be able to keep protecting the heart of CWCville for long. At least, he hoped that would be the case.
"Wes Iseli to Mary Lee Walsh," he spoke into his orange walkie-talkie. "Commander, we just breached the outer defenses of the Shopping Center and are starting the assault. Air support seems to be lessening. What's going on? Over."
"Just keep up the fire, Wes!" Walsh sounded like she was talking in the middle of a firefight at the moment. "Our intel was solid – that shield should be down in less than an hour! We've got most of our Crackder fleet engaged with Angelica over Samuel Memorial! Once they take her down, you'll get your goddamn air support, over!"
"Copy that, Commander." Wes cursed under his breath and leapt off the truck as a pair of empty Punislavs screeched to a halt on either side of his perch and transformed into mech form. "We've got heavy armor support arriving to assist the ground assault and I've got some of my squads setting up an FOB for the siege. I'll keep you posted. Out."
The orange Sonichu stowed his radio and dashed across the parking lot toward a large group of Jerkops and Manajerks unloading tactical equipment and ammunition boxes from more transport Punislavs and vans. Scott Palazzo, the Jerkhief commander assigned to head the ground assault, stood at the center of the chaos, casually directing his operatives to set up a makeshift base of operations while three S.A.V.s in mech form provided cover fire against the enemy defenders.
"How long, Scott?" Wes asked as he skidded to a halt and pressed his medallion, shifting back into human form. "I just got through to Walsh – looks like our air support's gone angel chasing."
"Son of a bitch," growled Palazzo. He reached up and adjusted his glasses. "We'll have overpowered the defenses soon enough, but we're never going to crack that barrier without more firepower, Iseli. You understand? If we're going to take the city today, we need more!"
"I can't call in any more airstrikes than Menchi-Nasu's directing," responded Wes angrily. "That unholy bitch keeps taking out our Crackders. We're gonna need Silvana or a few choppers with real pilots to bring her down."
"That reminds me, we've got new reports. Not good." The Jerkhief pointed to the nearest monitor he could find – a laptop hooked up to a cell phone. It wasn't much, but it was enough for them to see the damage the PVCC had suffered thus far into the June Offensive.
"Mother of fuck." Wes gritted his teeth as he stared at the UAV feed. "How many Transformers did they take out so far?"
"Five S.A.V.s and counting." Palazzo glanced at the bottom of the screen. "Wait, six now. At least that Shocking Surf didn't do anything to them. Thank Arceus for Robotnik."
"Sir!" reported Joshua Martinez as he and Lori Lopez hurried over to the Jerkhief and the PVCC administrator and saluted. "Chupacabras are deployed and on the field! Where do you need us?"
"Move up and join the Naïvigators and the Spikes of Blue on the central approach," replied the commander, pointing down the parking lot to where an S.A.V. and a Punislav were trading shots with a heavily damaged sentry turret. As they watched, the brown-painted Transformer staggered backward and fell smoking to the ground, its torso riddled with armor-piercing explosive rounds.
"Damn it!" roared Wes, and slammed a fist against his medallion. In a flash of light, he'd returned to his Sonichu form. "That's it! I'm heading to the frontlines with them! We're bringing that shield and this whole fucking mall down on their heads if it's the last thing we do!"
Palazzo saluted. "We'll keep up the assault as best we can. Focus on taking out Darkbind."
ZOOM! The orange Electric Hedgehog Pokémon dashed away with a quick burst of speed, tearing across the parking lot and reaching the foremost assault squad in less than five seconds. It was as if he'd simply teleported – another one of the greatest gifts the medallion had bestowed upon him. That, and the incredibly useful ability to stand a chance against members of the Chaotic Combo in single combat.
"Commander Iseli, sir!" A female Manajerk with heavy green combat armor and bleached blond hair approached him, her cheek stained with blood from a shrapnel wound just above her nose. A tiny LIESA unit floated in the air beside her, observing the battlefield and marking exposed targets for the massive Transformer stationed behind the entrenched Picklemen. Every few seconds, the S.A.V.'s autocannon would lock on to an enemy unit and fire, either killing them or forcing them to instantly seek cover from the explosive shells.
"At ease, Emily." Wes raised a gloved hand and pointed at the larger of the two robots. "Does your squad have direct control of that S.A.V. unit?"
Emily glanced over to a Jerkop who looked to be controlling the robot with a heavily converted PSP. "Yeah, that one's ours. What do you need Gherkin for?"
"I'm calling out Darkbind," explained the Sonichu grimly. "I'll draw him away from the fighting while you take out that sentry tower." He looked towards the aforementioned structure, which was currently aimed skyward and attempting to gun down the Crackder squadrons. "We take those out, and Menchi-Nasu can get the airstrikes back on target once Angelica goes down."
The Manajerk nodded silently and made a single hand gesture to her squad leader. "Understood. Go get that purple son of a bitch, sir."
"With pleasure." Wes vaulted over Emily's cover and landed on the battlefield, then dashed to the side as a rattling volley of machine gun rounds from one of the automated turrets chewed up the asphalt around his sneakers. Looking across to the edge of the Shopping Center, he could barely see what looked like an incredibly hasty defense line of loyalist mercenaries set up behind rows of sandbags, while Darkbind Sonichu himself stood well out of the way, commanding the human mercs as heroically as he could. There were no EHPF chus in sight, since the majority of them were currently fighting in the city itself. The PVCC had concentrated their main efforts on separating the Combo, while simultaneously launching the assault on the Shopping Center.
Patti-Chan's energy shield, though, was making that assault extremely difficult.
"DARKBIND, YOU PATHETIC CREATURE!" Wes yelled at the top of his lungs, calling up the most stereotypical villainous lines he could think of to lure the purple Sonichu swordfighter. "COME OUT AND FACE YOUR DESTINY, COWARD! YOUR DOOM AWAITS!"
Even if Wes hadn't been expecting an eye-rollingly valiant retaliation, his enhanced reflexes gave him more than enough time to dodge Darkbind's leaping slash attack. The sword clanged off the asphalt and shuddered violently, giving the orange Sonichu a perfect opportunity to land the first strike while his enemy stood stunned from the backlash of his furious charge. Chuckling, he rolled into a ball and launched himself right towards Darkbind's chest to deliver a lethal blow.
WHAM! Somehow, the purple Sonichu managed to counter the blindingly fast attack by rolling forward and meeting the Spin Dash with a reflexive kick that sent Wes hurtling off course into the side of a pickup truck. Whirling around so that his cape billowed impressively behind him, Darkbind raised his sword and charged with a yell. This time, Wes was ready for a counterattack.
"Try harder, you sniveling wretch!" he taunted, faking a dodge to the left and bolting in the opposite direction as the blade sheared down through the vehicle's chassis. Entering ball form again, Wes slashed the enemy Sonichu's side with his quills, following it up with a heavy dual-fisted blow to the back of Darkbind's shoulder blades. A lesser chu would have been felled by the attack, but this was no ordinary Electric Hedgehog Pokémon…just an overpowered wannabe.
"Your evil shall not triumph today, Wes-Li Sonichu!" Darkbind shouted, whirling his sword around and clutching his bleeding side. "By the power of RuleCWC, I shall vanquish you and return my balls to awaken my beloved Zelina!"
Wes laughed and sent a Thundershock arcing into the blade, stunning his foe for a few precious seconds while he delivered a shattering kick into Darkbind's face. "Balls, balls, balls! All you ever do is talk about your precious balls, homo! Does Zelina know about you and Magi-Chan?"
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed the Sonichu, and launched himself at the orange Wasabi descendant with his sword whirling through the air like a steel propeller. "HOW DARE YOU! I AM STRAIGHT, YOU VILLAINOUS SCOUNDREL! HAVE AT YOU!"
Wes smiled and glanced to his left as one of the towers erupted into flames and fell. Emily and her Picklemen had done their job admirably. All he had to do was keep this utter buffoon occupied long enough for the Jerkops to gain enough ground to make a difference.
"Ladies first," he snickered, and began charging up another Thundershock.
West CWCville, Get-Tar district, CWCville Central Church of GodJesus, 12:46 p.m.
"They're going to kill us," Caitlyn whispered to the older, brown-haired woman working beside her, trembling with fear as the horrific sounds of gunfire and high-pitched shrieks echoed through the besieged church. "Oh God, oh Arceus, they're going to kill us too…"
"They're rebels, not savages," Virginia Sanford replied calmly. "All they want is them." She glanced around the room, grimacing at the garish collection of nearly sixty fat fuzzy baby Electric Hedgehog Pokémon waddling around the Sunday school without a care in the world.
VeggieTales was playing as usual, an appropriately Christian program the chus had selected to help instill Christian values into their dim-witted offspring. Most of the babies were simply staring vacantly at the screen and cooing at the bright colors, ignorant of anything important that the show might have taught them. For the most part, they were enjoying themselves, even the Sonees who reflexively recoiled every time Larry the Cucumber appeared. Their hatred of pickles was too deeply hard-wired for them to even bear the sight of anything phallic.
As per their standard behavioral patterns, the larvae did not seem to notice the war zone outside or the sounds of the massacre taking place in the sanctuary, save for a few that had recently complained to Virginia about how all the noise the Jerkops downstairs were making it hard for them to listen to the TV. Several of the selfish Sonees were crying in despair, but only due to the fact that they were afraid that the jerks and homos would steal their Playstations while they were at Sunday school. Some of the Roseys naturally tried to comfort them, but quickly gave up and went back to babbling on about clothes and dolls and salads and finding sweetbolt Sonees.
In another corner, a group of larvae were perusing a 'proper' version of the Bible, that is, a heavily-edited and Mayor-approved comic book featuring recolor versions of Joseph, Mary, and baby Jesus. Most of the content had been replaced with Chandler's somewhat misspelled rants about homosexuality, along with instructions detailing how the Sonees and Roseys should lead good, straight lives in the service of the GodBear. This was the "introductory" god for baby chus – an omniscient, ethereal bear that was replaced by the GodJesus deity when they evolved.
Needless to say, almost none of the original Bible text remained unmolested by Chandler's edits.
"Tee hee!" giggled a white-furred Rosey as she and another Sonee tried to flip the pages with their useless limbs. "Da homows awe gonna go ta heck wif da west of da homows!"
"YAY!" the group of larvae shrilled all at once, eagerly slapping their armstubs together.
"If I see any homo twolls, I'm gonna send dem ta heck mysewf!" a Sonee bragged smugly, thus earning the instant adoration of the nearby Roseys.
"Da homows wiwl buwn whiwe good Sonees an Woseys go ta heaven!" squealed a particularly fat blue-furred Sonee as he waddled up to the book and strenuously flipped to a poorly drawn page of several somewhat-recognizable trolls crying out in agony while burning in a pit of fire. "Wook wat da book says! Any swandewous twoll an homow wiwl face etewnity in heck fow dere cwimes against da Mayow!" Printed on the bottom of the page, in a much smaller font than he could read, was a single line. Thanks to Family Guy for alerting me of this fact. - C.W.C.
"YAY!" The nearby Sonees and Roseys cheered, and collectively gathered around to listen.
"If…if da book says dat dey go ta heck, da homos go ta heck an we go ta heaven 'cuz we're good Sonees an Woseys!" the self-appointed Sonee preacher shouted, curling an armstub in the air in an attempt at dramatic rhetoric…or perhaps at replicating Chandler's infamous "claw". Whatever the case, the group of babies squealed "YAY!" again, pleased to hear someone else telling them that they were good. If they were good, they would get presents and candy!
Meanwhile, another group of Sonees and Roseys had grown tired of the talking vegetables and had congregated at the toy box, frolicking with blocks, balls, and other baby toys that were too simple to cause any sort of stress. Behind them, a white-furred Rosechu with a crucifix around her neck sat smiling at the children, pleased that they were being such sweet little babies and learning about the word of the Lo0rd. Next to her, a second Rosechu glared at Virginia and Caitlyn bitterly, wondering why on earth they could even think of neglecting their city-ordained duty of caring for the homebreds and making sure that every one of their needs was met.
"What would God and Jesus think of y'all abandoning the children like that?" she scolded. "If the children get too stressed, you'll both be in big trouble!" Her admonitions fell on deaf ears.
"We have to get out here," murmured Caitlyn to Virginia as the sounds of approaching footsteps drew closer and closer. Outside in the hall, they could hear doors being slammed, more gunfire, and faint, terrified shrieks. The Jerkops were sweeping the church room by room, rooting out any Electric Hedgehog Pokémon that had survived the first extermination. "They're coming."
"The window," Virginia whispered as soon as the Rosechus were distracted by their insipid charges again. Step by step, the women backed toward the nearest window, eyeing their captors all the while in case one of them looked up. Gritting her teeth, Caitlin plucked a random Sonee up off the ground, then cuddled the baby chu in her arms as it laughed and wriggled around.
"Hey there," she crooned, stroking the larval chu's soft headspikes while covertly testing its weight. Thankfully, the homebred's body weighed in at about 20 pounds – the average for its species. It would be more than enough to serve her purpose. "Want to help save the day for us?"
"YAY!" The Sonee's mouth curled into a wide harelip smile. "I'm gonna sayve da day 'cuz…"
"I know, I know," muttered Caitlin, and hurled the fat baby recolor through the window.
CRACK! SMASH! The Sonee smashed through the glass like a plump fuzzy rock, screeching in pain as the jagged shards sliced its torso open. A sickening crunch sounded as it hit the street outside, followed by a shrill wail of agony. It was now or never for Caitlin and Virginia.
"What in the name of GodJesus is that noise?" one of the Rosechus shouted as she leapt to her feet. The other Electric Hedgehog Pokémon larvae hadn't noticed the horrific fate of their comrade, but the sound of shattering glass quickly drew their attention…for about two seconds. The adult chus, however, were more than capable of figuring out what had happened.
"GET BACK HERE, YOU TROLLS!" screamed the other Rosechu as she leapt for the window. Virginia managed to pull herself through the opening, just in time for her former captor to see Caitlin stomping the glass-encrusted Sonee into a red smear on the concrete. "OH GODJESUS! Y'all will go to hell for killing that innocent baby, you HARLOTS! GodJesus will puni-"
CRASH!
"BREACHING! BREACHING!" shouted Zoey as she and Kevin stormed into the room with their AK-47s drawn and raised, nearly ripping the wooden door off its hinges in the process. Both of the PVCC operatives now bore high quantities of bloodstains on their clothing, which only served to shatter the hearts of the assembled Electric Hedgehog Pokémon even further.
It was difficult to tell exactly what happened first, but before Kevin knew what he was doing, he and his fellow Jerkop were opening fire into the air, filling the room with dozens of loud, short explosions of sound that sent the homebred larvae scurrying for cover and - in the case of the Sonees - unloading their bowels onto the floor from the fear and stress they were experiencing. As the Rosechus whirled around in fright and shock, Zoey lashed out with her bayonet and drove it straight into the first screaming female chu's chest, effectively impaling her victim while Kevin brought the second one down with a well-placed kick to the gut. Drawing his pistol with his free hand, he knelt beside her, jammed the gun to her temple, and fired.
The hollow crack of the gunshot was matched by a second one from Zoey's assault rifle that pierced the first Rosechu's aorta, sending her collapsing to the floor as blood sprayed across the rug. A nearby Rosey screamed as the hot spray struck her in the face, drenching her pink fur with dark red drops. Glaring at the little chu with hatred and disgust, Zoey drew the bloody bayonet back and lunged down, embedding it deep in the baby Electric Hedgehog Pokemon's fatty torso.
Kevin didn't even care about the multitude of screaming, stressed homebred Sonees and Roseys waddling away from him and Zoey as they scanned the room for any human refugees or surviving adult chus. It wasn't as if the babies were going anywhere fast. The Rosey skewered on Zoey's bayonet struggled and wailed and tried to push herself loose, but her weak armstubs proved just as useful in her dying state as they'd been during the time she'd been alive.
"Good entry, good response, good kill," Zoey complimented her squadmate as the little chu slid off and plopped to the floor, choking out a weak gurgle in its final moments. She stepped on its head slowly, smiling as she felt the tiny skull crunch under the heel of her boot. "Nicely done."
"Thanks." Kevin wiped a smear of Rosechu blood from his AK. "You clear on your side?"
"Yeah." The Jerkop shouldered her weapon and turned to face the door. "Steve, we're good!"
"Praise the Lo0rd." Steve Morrison stepped into the room, still speaking through his gas mask's air filter. "So how many of the fat little fucks did we bag in here?"
"Enough to justify all the shit we're gonna have to go through today," replied Kuri as she, Matt, Nate, and Allie followed their squad leader into the room. Raising her tekko-kagi to her mouth, she shot the terrified larvae a sadistic stare and ran her tongue along one of the injector blades, tasting the tart lemon juice housed inside. "Looks like it's time I put Al's present to good use."
"Well, I helped," Steve muttered somewhat lamely, then grinned at his Jerkops. "Have fun."
"Gladly," Allie reached up and hefted Trogdor the Burninator off her back. "Let's make this quick."
"WAAAAAHHHHH! SAYVE US!" screeched a trio of Roseys who were desperately clinging together and crying their hideous eyes out. Their hopes of any form of rescue by a brave and spunky Sonee were quickly dashed when Matt shouldered his way forward and annihilated them with an automatic triple blast from his AA-12, churning the larvae into red mush in a heartbeat.
"WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" The room exploded in a collective wail as the horrid baby chus finally realized just how much danger they were all in. Their sickening cutesy behavior immediately gave way to their most basic instinct – self-preservation by any means possible.
The arrogant Sonee who had bragged so much about sending the 'homo trolls' to hell was now crying in terror and shitting himself as he waddled away from the murderous Jerkops. Hastily pushing two Roseys out of the way to save himself, he suddenly tripped, leaving said Roseys to absorb a deadly barrage of bullets from Kevin's AK-47. Proud of his cleverness, the Sonee giggled smugly as the shrieking baby chus exploded into showers of red mist behind him. It wasn't cowardly that he had used his former playmates as shields, because that had been what the Loord had intended him to do. He would survive because GodJesus had chosen him as the hero to stop the trolls and save CWCville from the slanderous…
"WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed as Kevin casually stepped forward and grabbed him by the tail before he could make it another two feet. Heaving the baby up off the ground, the Jerkop whirled him around and effortlessly slammed him down into a nearby active radiator with enough force to shatter every one of the larva's ribs, his spine, and his pelvis.
SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
"WAAAGAGGGHHGHGHHGGHSSSHGHG! SAYVE ME GODBEAWR!" the formerly proud Sonee screeched in burning agony as the red-hot metal blackened his fur and seared his skin off. A jet of urine sprayed out of his crotch flap and immediately evaporated into a flesh-searing steam, causing him to sink further and further down until his eyes pressed against a radiator bar and began to bubble and melt. The last thing he realized before his mind snapped from the pain was that he knew, at last, exactly what going to hell felt like.
The white Rosey who had giggled over 'homo trolls' being sent to hell was now also in a hell of her own, panicking and wailing in fear as she watched her playmates being slaughtered around her. Waddling over to the TV in desperation, she screwed up her face as hard as she could and summoned up a weak supply of bioelectricity to her armstubs, then used her static cling to shimmy up the side of the flat screen. Her mother had always taught her that when she needed to escape danger, there were four things she could do: win the awe of her enemies by winking cutely, paraskirting away, praying to GodBear, or getting a brave Sonee or Sonichu to save her.
The Rosey giggled again. She was so smart! She was going to do all four of those things! Stumbling off the top of the TV, the plump little larva felt her skirtachute billow out beneath her, slowing her descent. On top of that, she began winking furiously, praying to GodBear, and waiting for a Sonichu to save her…at the same time. What she got instead was Nate, who ended her descent by grabbing her fat body so hard that her head momentarily swelled with blood.
"Well, well, well." The Jerkop grinned at her. "Do you know the Golden Rule, little Rosey?"
The Rosey winked. "Tee hee! Woseys desewve speshul tweatment because we're so speshul!"
Nate frowned and pressed the EJECT button on the VCR, then removed the tape. "Looks like you need to watch more VeggieTales. Actually…better idea! You should be IN VeggieTales!"
"YAY!" The Rosey squealed in delight, despite the guns blazing and her supposed friends dying around her. She was going to be famous! She was going to be a movie star!
Unfortunately, her fantasy abruptly ended as soon as Nate shoved her feet-first into the VCR.
"WAAAAAAHHHHH!" the Rosey cried as the VCR began eating her stumpfeet like a meat grinder, dragging her fat body inside and ripping her to pieces. She was too fat to fit completely, but Nate helped by pushing down on her head until her legs and insides were ripped out until only her head remained, her mouth still open and screaming. The Jerkop let the Rosey be pulled apart for a few more seconds, then sliced her head off and set it on top of the VCR.
Another Sonee bawled in horror as he watched his heartsweet Rosey being repeatedly tortured by Zoey, unable to look away from the screaming pink blob impaled on her bayonet. He simply could not comprehend why the almighty GodBear didn't just come down and sweep the evil trolls away. After all, he was praying as hard as he could, and the nice Rosechu nannies had told him that the purpose of prayer was to grant any wish, regardless of merit or plausibility!
Before he could ponder any further about petitioning the divine, a single incendiary round, courtesy of Origin, drove into his body, effectively answering his questions with a big fat white-hot blazing NO. Across the room, Steve spun the revolver around on his finger, holstered it, and punted a nearby Sonee across the room, straight into the blades of Kuri's waiting tekko-kagi.
It took a few seconds for the effects of the lemon juice to kick in, but when it finally did, the results were more than worth the wait.
"EEEEAAAAAGGGGGHGHHHHHGHGHGHH AAAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!"
"THAT'S FOR MILLIE!" screamed Kuri as she withdrew the claws from the Sonee's stomach and slashed them across its face, prompting another earsplitting cry. "THAT'S FOR DAIKI!" She pierced the screeching baby in both eyes, popping them like grapes and injecting a surge of acidic juice. "THAT'S FOR MOM!" As a final insult, she flipped the Sonee around and drove a single claw into its crotch flap, then squeezed the last of her reservoir into the little chu's mutilated genitals. "AND THAT ONE'S FOR PAPA, YOU WORTHLESS HELLSPAWN!"
Allie, meanwhile, was closing in on the tiny preacher Sonee. The fat larva stood trembling with fear, clinging to his Bible as if it were a Rosey and uttering tiny squeaks that were supposed to be prayers. He didn't know why this was happening. He had done everything that GodBear wanted him to do! Weren't the trolls going to get smited now? After another few moments of quivering and nearly shitting himself, he came to the most logical conclusion possible…it was all a test!
"Dat's it! Dis is all a test fwom da Lo0wd!" he squealed in sudden happiness to any Sonee or Rosey within earshot who was still alive. "We've been good bay-bees an GodBeawr wuv us!"
The baby chu knew in his heart that GodBear wouldn't let anything bad happen to him. He was the best Sonee in the room! He knew he was because Angelica Rosechu herself had blessed him during one of her visits to the church, and told him he was special and that the Lo0rd would always watch over him as long as he never had any homo thoughts. He remembered the last book burning his parents had taken him to…and he got to toss in a book of his own! The Origin of Species had been heavy and stressful to carry, but he'd done it because GodBear wanted him to!
Allie simply grabbed him by the scruff of his flabby neck while he was lost in thought. A part of her wanted to simply set the obese little Sonee on fire and watch the fat sizzle around him and fry him alive, but there was a much, much better death waiting just on the other side of the room. A stone basin, full of holy water. The baby chus usually ignored it, save for the occasional Sonee or Rosey who somehow managed to climb up and get stuck inside.
"The Bowl of Wrath," she muttered to herself, chuckling with glee. This was Kuri-level sadism, the kind of thing that even Steve or Al would find impressive. Plus, given the fact that Allie and Kevin's relationship had just jumped up a few notches, she was in the mood for showing off.
"Put me down now you twoll!" shrieked the plump Sonee, gasping for air as his face turned even bluer than it already was. His flabby body rippled with every movement, making his fatty flesh jiggle like gelatin. "Wet me go! Wet me go or I'wl make GodBeawr smite you ta heck!"
"Tell you what," mused Allie as she plopped her prisoner down into the stone bowl, immediately defiling the holy water in the worst possible way. "I'll give you a chance to prove just how much you love your GodBear. If you pass, I'll let you go. If you fail, I'll burninate you. Sound fair!"
"YAY! I'm going ta win! I wuv GodBeawr!"
"Yes…I know." The Jerkop poked the Sonee in his immense belly. "You, my fat little friend, are going to have to survive…THE BOWL…OF WRATH!"
"You're not gonna drown him in a toilet bowl, are you?" asked Matt as he strolled past, carrying a Rosey by her tail and a Sonee by his ears. Both larvae were screaming shrilly, which might as well have been the sound of angelic choirs to the Honey Badgers. "Because I'm gonna need the bathroom to take care of these two. Don't ask."
"No problem. All yours." Allie turned back to her victim. "As I was saying, the Bowl of Wrath. Don't worry, only STRAIGHT Sonees will survive, as long as they love GodBear a lot."
The Sonee's joy could not have been more out of place. "YAY! Dis is gonna be easy!"
"You have no idea," snickered Allie, and grabbed another Rosey that was hugging her leg in fear. "Come here, sweetie. Bath time."
"GUGHUGHUGHUGHUHHHH!" shrieked the Rosey as Allie drove her SOG knife into its throat, slitting it wide open and squeezing the immense gush of blood into the bowl of holy water. The dying baby could only gurgle and choke as her life sprayed out and poured into the makeshift altar, turning the clear liquid a sickeningly dark crimson. Snatching a Sonee, Allie repeated the horrible sacrificial ritual until her blue-furred victim was sitting in a pool of blood up to where his navel would have been. The little chu could only stare at her, his eyes bulging out of their sockets from shock and utter terror. In the back of his mind, though, he knew it was all part of the test. The two babies she'd killed hadn't loved GodBear as much as he did!
"Okay then!" Allie patted the Sonee on the head when she was satisfied with the literal blood bath. "You ready to start?"
The baby chu nodded eagerly, making his cheekspots jiggle up and down.
"Alright then…DRINK UP, YOU LITTLE SHIT!" yelled the Jerkop delightedly as she grabbed the Sonee by his head and dunked him into the warm dark pool. Unable to swim and unable to see through the thick red substance, the Sonee reflexively screamed and opened his mouth to gasp for air, but instead took in a huge gulp of blood. Allie rolled her eyes as the weak baby Electric Hedgehog Pokémon thrashed and struggled. She only needed one hand to pin him down.
After thirty seconds, Allie pulled the gasping chu back up. "Well? What did it taste like?"
"HUUURRRRGGGGHHH!" The Sonee retched, spewing a mess of blood and chicken nuggets into the bowl. "HUUUURRRRGGGGHHHH! DAT…DAT WASN'T FAAAAAAAIWR! YOU MADE ME DWINK BWOOD! IM NOT A VAMPWYER! DOSE AWE BAD!"
"So, you tasted blood, then?" Allie snickered. "Oops! If you really loved GodBear and were a STRAIGHT Sonee, it would've tasted like water…or maybe wine. Hell, I don't know. See why it's so much easier being an Arcean? Whatever the case, you failed, and only HOMOS fail."
The Sonee's face contorted into an expression of utter tard rage, similar to how Chandler's face had looked after that glorious day in 2004 when the PVCC had slaughtered 35,000 feral larvae. It was exactly what Allie had been waiting for.
"I AM NOT A HOMOW!" shrieked the fat little chu. "I AM STWAIGHT! IMA TWOO AN HONEST STWAIGHT CHWISTIAN AN I WUV GODBEAWR AN DA HOMOWS AWE…"
WHUMP!
"WUH!" The Sonee fell forward into the blood bath as Kevin appeared from behind it with a heavy stack of Chandler's Bible comics and issues of the Sonichu propaganda comic. Raising them up, he dropped them on top of the chu, forcing it face first under the surface again. More struggling and gurgling ensued, along with a bubbly frrrrrrrppppp sound that Allie assumed was the Sonee losing control of its bowels again. In any case, it was trapped, and even with its massive lung capacity, it would drown soon enough.
It still wasn't enough for her.
"Stand back," she ordered. Kevin complied, smiling in anticipation as Allie hefted Trogdor up in her arms and fired a burst across the pile of books, bathing the Sonee's back in blistering flames and setting the worthless pages alight. Furthermore, she then took aim directly at the base of the bowl and unloaded a prolonged burst of white-hot fire that heated the entire pool of blood to boiling point in a matter of seconds.
Surrounded on all sides by blood, pain, fire, and his own feces, the drowning Sonee flailed and gasped, choking and struggling as the immense heat literally boiled him alive. It was difficult to tell which of the elements killed him first…but whatever the case, it was not over quickly.
When the larva's last spasms finally died down about four minutes later, all but fifteen of the Sonees and Roseys in the Sunday school had been slaughtered. Al and his small team of Jerkops had managed to root out a good twelve more hiding around the church, bringing the grand total of baby Electric Hedgehog Pokémon survivors to twenty-seven. And when faced with a situation like theirs, the Honey Badgers could only think of a single word to adequately sum it up.
"Yep. Definitely a Laughyland," commented Steve as Serge and Nick each unceremoniously dumped a load of Sonees and Roseys into the Sunday school. The babies whimpered and whined and babbled on about how unfair the Jerkops were being, but waddled over to join the group nevertheless, shepherded in the right direction by swift kicks and pokes from Jexis and Kuri.
"I'll say," Al replied. "That one in the drinking fountain that swelled up and popped like a water balloon…whose was that?"
"Mine." Kevin grinned. "She was 'thiwstee'."
"What is it with you and inflatin' them?" muttered Amanda out of the corner of her mouth as she passed him, carrying a Sonee under each arm.
"What is it with you and exploding them?" Kevin replied.
Amanda paused. "Fair enough. Yo, Al, I'm savin' one of the lil' shits for a Baby Boomer, 'kay?"
"We don't have time for surgery now." Al pointed to the group of terrified larvae. "We kill them. Then we call HQ, see where we were supposed to be while we were taking this little detour."
"Fuck," Zoey muttered under her breath. Steve raised a hand to her shoulder, but she jerked away. "Al, is Joe still with us? Put him on speaker."
"Yeah, I'm here," Joseph Herring replied. "We're holding all fronts for now, except the air battle's pretty much lost. Angelica and Magi-Chan keep taking out our Crackders. Walsh is pulling them out. Sorry guys, you won't have air support until those two are out of the game."
Kuri cursed loudly and clutched her scarred arm out of reflex. Several of the baby chus gasped and attempted to cover their ears to block out the profanity, but seeing as how their armstubs were all much too short to reach their ears, this went about as well as one would expect.
"Joe." Al's voice held no more of his signature sadistic glee, only cold, calculated seriousness. This was the sober Al Ledger, the commander Al Ledger, the Manajerk Al Ledger. "Joe. We can at least try and take out Magi-Chan for you. Where is Silvana Rosechu?"
"Hang on." More taps on a keyboard. With all the typing Joe was doing for them, Kevin was surprised that the operator's fingers hadn't yet atrophied. "Silvana…Silvana…here we go. She's been pushing her way west with the White Medallions – they're on foot, almost at the rendezvous point. You're gonna have to floor it if you want to reach them in time…also, the shortest route's right through the center of the fighting. And guys…Sonichu and Rosechu just entered the fray."
Al drew in a sharp breath. "Got it, Joe. Stay on the line and talk us through." He stowed the walkie-talkie and whirled to face the crowd of cowering chu larvae.
"Wet us go!" the foremost Rosey whined, her lower lip trembling as she gazed up at the Legend. "Dis isn't fun! I wanna watch Mewwy Poppins! You'we mean!"
The Manajerk tapped the handle of his 1911. "Stop looking at me like that."
"WAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" wailed the babies. The Rosey sniffled again, then suddenly brightened up as a brilliant idea entered her undeveloped brain. It was so simple, it had to work!
"YAY!" she squealed, and stared directly into Al's eyes, fixing the twin slits of his welder's mask with her soulless reptilian gaze. "I wuv you."
Kevin could almost hear the snap as the Legend's final measure of patience shattered into a thousand pieces. Raising his right arm, Al reached to the end of his trenchcoat's sleeve and pulled the strap tight, then withdrew his nailgun gauntlet from a case in his backpack and began buckling it on.
"Wat awe you doing?" the Rosey asked, pawing at her head confusedly. "I towd you dat I wuv-"
"I know," said Al as he activated the gauntlet with a pneumatic hiss and grabbed the baby chu around her fat torso. "I wuv you too."
Before the Rosey could scream, the wind was knocked out of her in a flash as the Legend slammed her against a large wooden crucifix set into the wall. The carved figure of Jesus had been removed as per Chandler's orders that the larvae only be exposed to age-appropriate Bible stories, but even if it had still been there, it would only have gotten in the way. Al's blood had been roused, and now there was no stopping him. Raising the nail gauntlet, he pressed its tip against the Rosey's right armstub and squeezed his hand.
PSSHHTTT! A three-inch nail plunged straight through the pathetic limb and embedded itself in the wood of the cross, effectively impaling the Rosey through what would have become her hand had she lived to adulthood. There wasn't that much blood, but there was quite a lot of screaming.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH ! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"
PSSHHTTT! PSSHHTTT! PSSHHTTT!
"WAAAAAAHAAAAAAHAAAAAAAHHHHHH HHH! NO! NOOO! NOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Much better," commented Steve as Al stepped back to admire his work. The Rosey hung from the cross like a fat, pathetic facsimile of Jesus, her stubby limbs dripping with blood from the points where the thick nails had impaled them into the wood. Even as an Arcean-Christian, Al had no qualms when it came to defiling these mockeries of religion that Chandler and the Electric Hedgehog Pokémon had unleashed upon CWCville.
"Right," the Legend muttered, and adjusted his mask. "We're done here. Torch the rest and head for the Bus. Matt, Zoey, Steve, I want her prepped for heavy combat, ASAP. Are we clear?"
"Crystal," Zoey replied. "Fall in! Everyone fall in on me! We're moving out!"
"WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" wailed the twenty-six remaining Sonees and Roseys as Allie pointed Trogdor's toothy maw directly towards them and flipped the feed level down to SCORCHED EARTH. Half of the babies immediately scattered and tried to waddle away, but given that their pathetic stumpfeet could only carry them one meter every seven seconds, they didn't get far before the dragon's breath claimed them, too.
FWOOSH!
Kevin lingered behind and watched Allie torch the room, even as Al and Steve and the rest of the Honey Badgers dashed for the Battle Bus. She swept the flamethrower back and forth, looking on with cold indifference as the shrieking pack of chu larvae burst into flames.
The few Sonees and Roseys that were not incinerated instantly could only waddle around and scream and flail their armstubs as their fur blackened and burned off, leaving only a collection of smoldering, writhing black blobs where the babies had once been. Allie stood at the center of the inferno, wreathed in greasy smoke, torching everything in sight and laughing with insane glee from behind the safety of her welder's mask. Kevin could only imagine what thoughts of chronic and sustained cruelty were going through her mind as the dying Sonees and Roseys gasped and gurgled around her in their last horrible moments alive. The room was now little more than a roaring inferno, devoid of anything tainted by the vile touch of Christian Weston Chandler.
"Okay, that's good!" Kevin called out, shielding his face from the heat with his free hand while he waved to Allie with the other. "Get out here before the whole place goes up!"
"Don't you worry about me," Allie replied as she strode out of the flames and embraced her squadmate briefly before continuing on down the hall with Trogdor slung across her back. Kevin followed her, leaving the burning larvae behind while the faint screams finally turned to silence.
Apart from the Honey Badgers and the dozens of dead Sonichus, Rosechus, and their tiny babies, the main room of the church had been completely abandoned. The Battle Bus rumbled steadily in the street beyond the destroyed wall, and all of the Jerkops save Al had already embarked. Kevin and Allie hurried over, but were surprised to discover three PVCC operatives – two men and a woman – conversing with the Manajerk.
"…and our squad just isn't prepared for this level of enemy activity," the taller male Jerkop explained. It was plain to see that he was the most experienced of the three. "We've been getting nothing but bad news from the UAV feed, and now we're gonna be heading right into the center. I'm telling you, Ledger, we need your help."
"We can take you through the center of the fighting," Al replied quickly. "I'll need your squad to help man the turrets if we're going to make it through the gauntlet, though." He waved to Kevin and Allie as they hurried over to the Battle Bus. "Right. Here's the last two from my squad. Get yourselves situated inside with them – I've got one more call to make before we're clear to go."
"Thank you," the Jerkop sighed in relief. "Diana, Toby, on me."
"Which HQ are you from?" Allie asked as she and Kevin followed the newcomers into the bus. Behind them, Al was talking to Joe again, and judging by the sound of his voice, whatever news the operator was giving him was even worse than before. "You guys must have been split off of a bigger squad, right?"
"Tom Ovid, Pickled Ducks squad, based in Slumberland," grunted the man. He gestured to the woman and the shorter man with glasses and a hat. "Diana Aldren and Toby Connors. And no, this is all of us – we're a specialist team. Walsh is coordinating an extraction for Agents O'Neil and McKenzie…we get to retrieve the latter. Looks like your squad's gonna have to take us along for the ride until we get to Lightning, though."
"Glad to have your team with us," Steve addressed Ovid, and shook his hand quickly. "Wait, hang on." He reached up and pulled off the mask. "That's better. Steve Morri-"
"Save the introductions for when we've got time, Steve," Al interrupted his lieutenant as he climbed on board and pointed to Matt. "Get us out of here, now. We shouldn't have done this."
"Agreed." The blond Jerkop leaned back in his seat and stared out the window, tracking a pair of Crackders overhead. "That one was on me, Al. I just…Arceus, I'm so fucking angry right now!"
"Then you're not gonna like this one bit." Al flipped up his welder's mask and glanced across the Battle Bus. "Iseli's push to the Shopping Center just got royally fucked up. Darkbind, Jamsta, Lolisa, and Zapina held off the attack and took out about a quarter of his task force. Joe says we're in a stalemate now, but Walsh is going to try and breach the shield using Graduon. And we lost the beach. An entire goddamn unit of S.A.V.s up in smoke, thanks to Bubbles and Blake."
Each new announcement was another punch to Kevin's chest. Even with all they'd been through, all the chus they'd killed, all the new weapons and Transformers they'd acquired…the PVCC was being soundly routed by a handful of ludicrously overpowered recolors.
"Son of a bitch." Amanda looked about ready to start punching the Rosey she'd grabbed from the church to use as a Baby Boomer. She and Jexis had set up a makeshift operating table in the back of the bus, in order to replace the baby Electric Hedgehog Pokémon's belly fat reserves with clumps of C4. Without using anesthetic. Before she could unleash her rage on the wailing Rosey, Jexis leaned over and slit the little chu's belly open with her scalpel, revealing an ample supply of yellow adipose tissue.
"It's all right, Amanda," the young medic said calmly, her eyes focused on the gaping wound. "We take out one of the Combo, and the rest shouldn't be too much harder."
"Overpowered shock-pigs are not easy for Serge to destroy," Serge grumbled. Baba Yaga was seated next to him, and the Jerkop had an arm wrapped around his weapon as if it were a lover. "If you can get Serge close to purple crazy shock-pig, Serge could…"
"No. No, Serge," Zoey warned him, bracing herself as the Battle Bus skidded around a corner and entered the heart of the Get-Tar district.
The frontlines of CWCville stood before them - the single most vicious battle in the entire June Offensive. Through the buildings, Kevin could see a vast cloud of black smoke billowing up from the ground, punctuated by sharp flashes of gunfire and sizzling bolts of bioelectricity. Crackders soared through the burning haze and unleashed volleys of missiles down into the streets, while S.A.V.s in vehicle form raced past the bus toward the center of the fighting. The ground shuddered, and in the distance, a small apartment went up in flames.
Throughout the district, the pandemonium continued on a smaller scale. Human families fled in droves, tripping over and trampling dozens of ferals and also homebred larvae who had been left behind by their Sonichu and Rosechu parents. Here and there, bands of wild dogs and Pokémon had been drawn out of the slums by the sounds of battle, and were now making short work of any Sonees and Roseys waddling around in the streets. The PVCC might have been losing the battle, but the city itself had acquired a taste for blood now. It was as if CWCville itself knew of the parasitic organisms that now ruled it, and was doing everything in its power to wipe the Electric Hedgehog Pokémon plague from its streets.
Unconsciously, Kevin reached over and grabbed Allie's hand, squeezing it in the hope that it might quell the cold fear rising in his chest. What lay ahead for the Jerkops was nothing short of the greatest single battle they had ever faced in the eight years since the chu occupation began. It had all come down to this - one last, desperate attempt to reclaim what had once been their city.
But just to survive the June Offensive, the Honey Badgers would need to pass through hell first.
East CWCville, Upper East district, 1:14 p.m.
"NO! NOOOOOOOOOOO! PWEEEEEEEAAASE-"
The Sonee's final scream was abruptly silenced as Kacey Devoria brought her foot down on its stumpfeet and crushed them against the asphalt, then raised her pistol and blasted a hole in the little chu's skull. Whirling to the left as the homebred spasmed and died, she cursed and ducked out of the way, just in time to avoid a furious Thundershock from the Sonee's father.
"Try it again, Sparky," she panted under her breath. Sure enough, a second bolt of lightning sizzled overhead and missed, giving the young woman ample time to leap to her feet and put about ten new orifices in the Sonichu's head with a concentrated burst from her M4. Since the three Jerkop squads under her command had managed to force a retreat out of both the EHPF and the loyalist mercenaries sent to deal with their eastern incursion, the operatives now had free reign to begin introducing any chus in the area to a taste of CWCville justice.
Around her, sparse gunfire rattled through the air at irregular intervals, signaling the discovery and summary execution of another hidden cluster of baby recolors or a cowering chu family. The sheer effectiveness of her ground campaign had given Kacey new hope for the faltering June Offensive. From what she'd heard on the radio, most of the PVCC's other pushes into enemy territory had ended in utter failure and massive losses. The death count was still fairly low due to the Jerkops' shock-dampening gear, but capture reports were coming in with alarming regularity.
It was Kacey's job to make sure that didn't happen to any of her squads – the Deathbreakers, the ALBinos, and the Tomgirls – or the three Punislav Transformers they were using as fire support.
"Commander Devoria!" Kacey glanced up as Jackie Romy dashed over to her, her left cheek smeared with blood and black soot from the first shootout. "The block's been secured, ma'am. No sign of Sonichu or Rosechu. If Liquid hasn't lured them out yet, they'll be heading our way."
"Let's just hope to Arceus that Chris finds them first," Kacey murmured. Her face fell for an instant as she remembered her boyfriend's smiling face, his cute glasses, even his stupid paper medallion that he insisted on wearing everywhere he went. Somewhere, Chris was probably fighting for his life to push through the battle lines and draw Sonichu's attention, while her squads were just exterminating Electric Hedgehog Pokémon babies and families.
"Do you want us to hold here and run another sweep, ma'am?" Jackie asked.
Kacey shook her head. "No. I'm sick and tired of picking off the leftovers while good operatives are getting killed out there. Assemble your squad. We'll move toward the battlefront and draw some of the pressure off the Wilderness squads. You're not a cleanup crew – you're Jerkops."
Jackie's eyes suddenly grew wide with surprise as she noticed something in the street behind Kacey. "No…no need for that, commander. I think the battle just came to us."
The young Miscreant turned slowly, dreading what she might see when she looked up. Part of her didn't want to believe it had all come down to this, but another part knew the horrible truth.
The royal couple had found them at last.
"Take your weapon, Sonichu!" cried Rosechu as she raised her lightning sword and snapped into a combat stance. Its jagged blade crackled in her hands, giving off a sizzling aura.
"Just turn me loose sweetheart; I am my own weapon!" Sonichu shouted, clenching his hand into a defiant fist. His cheekspots sparked with deadly energy. If his father the Mayor had been there to see it, he would have most definitely described it as "zappin' to the extreme".
Kacey drew in a terrified breath as Jackie circled around to protect her and began shouting orders to her Jerkops. Feeling for the switch on her M4, she clicked it down to full auto and braced the stock against her shoulder to intercept the Electric Hedgehog Pokémon as soon as they charged.
"Orders, ma'am?" Jackie growled tensely.
The commander raised a hand, her gaze fixed directly upon the hated lovehogs. "OPEN FIRE!"
West CWCville, Get-Tar district, 1:19 p.m.
"Arceus…" Zoey whispered in horror as the Battle Bus rumbled past what appeared to have once been an entire block of apartments and stores. "I used to live there…it's gone. It's all gone."
Al handed her his canteen, swishing around the dregs of vodka left inside. "Here. Drink that."
"Everyone…stay frosty," Steve instructed through gritted teeth, wincing at each new thunderous explosion from the battlefront ahead. "We'll get through this. We didn't walk out of hell just to end it all in some stupid blaze of glory."
"Damn right," muttered Zoey, and chugged the rest of the canteen in one swig.
Kevin fought to stay calm, forcing himself to keep looking out of the windows. The Honey Badgers and their three new comrades from the Pickled Ducks were less than a minute away from the frontlines, and each passing second brought with it a new and unsettling set of chaotic scenes. The sunlight was gone, blocked out by thick clouds of smoke that billowed out from the burning structures across the city. Crackders were few and far between now, but the sounds of falling bombs and missile strikes continued on through the streets as the battle raged on. Now, the usual snaps and zaps of gunfire and electricity had been joined by additional sounds – the metallic clatter of S.A.V.s and Punislavs transforming and rolling out, the deafening clatter of autocannon fire, and weird electronic hums as the Transformers locked and fired on their targets.
Even now, the young Jerkop could see the drones' bulky figures looming through the hellish red haze that blanketed the city. Many lay broken and shattered throughout the streets, while their active compatriots fought on bravely in the face of nigh-insurmountable odds. Jerkops rushed through alleys and down the main streets, on foot, by truck, or by Punislav. There must have been dozens, even hundreds, all gathered from the deepest reserves of Menchi-Nasu, Wilderness, Slumberland, and ChinaTown. A few operatives looked up and waved to the Battle Bus as it passed, but the majority of them marched on solemnly, their faces grim and emotionless.
The whole thing made Kevin want to curl up in a fetal position and cry until he couldn't anymore. If Nate hadn't been sitting in the seat behind him and Allie hadn't been holding his hand, he probably would have suffered a nervous breakdown then and there.
"Okay, hold her down. Easy…easy…last stitch, and…done!"
Kevin looked over his shoulder to see Amanda and Jexis finishing the Baby Boomer operation on the Rosey they'd grabbed from the church. The little chu had passed out from the pain, and was now shuddering and making feeble "goo-goo"s while the blonde-haired medic dabbed blood away from the sutures on her fuzzy belly. He only hoped Amanda didn't get too trigger-happy while the Electric Hedgehog Pokémon larva was still on board the Battle Bus.
"That," Diana coughed, "is disgusting. How much C4 did you put in her?"
"'Bout three and a half pounds," Amanda replied. "This little shit's gonna blow up real good."
"Right, that looks good. I stabilized her." Jexis ripped the surgical mask from her face and began gathering up her bloody tools. "She'll wake up in about an hour. All yours."
"Fantastic." The Jerkop grinned and cradled the Rosey in her arms. "Hey, Al, where we at?"
"One minute from the front," the Legend announced, and stood up as the Battle Bus rumbled violently back and forth. "Everyone LISTEN UP! I want every window up and every firing slit filled!" He whirled around and pointed to the empty space beside Matt. "Serge, you're the plow. Set up in front and get Baba spinning."
"Is Serge's pleasure," Serge replied, and heaved the minigun off its seat with a grunt.
"Ovid, you're left, Aldren, you're right, Connors, you're in the back," Al ordered, hurriedly selecting each of the Pickled Ducks to man the bus's side and rear machine gun turrets. "We're gonna need someone to take the roof."
"Right here!" Amanda's hand shot up instantly.
"You're gonna need a spotter," Steve added. "Nick, you're with her!"
"Couldn't be happier." The sniper rose from his seat enthusiastically. "Up there, I am God."
"Forty seconds!" yelled Matt. A sharp clang sounded through the vehicle as a wayward bullet ricocheted off the front bumper, just above the plow. "Fuck! That almost clipped the engine!"
"We'll be fine," Nick replied with a grin, shouldering his rifle as he made his way to the ladder that led up to the Battle Bus's grenade launcher and lookout post on the roof. "So long, guys."
"Likewise." The Legend turned to his remaining Jerkops. "Steve, Zoey, you're in charge of our defense while I call up Menchi-Nasu and find out what the hell went wrong. Think you two can manage a whole busload of killing machines?"
Both of the squad leaders nodded.
Satisfied, Al shouldered his M4. "Then do us proud, Honey Badgers." He raised a fist. "PVCC!"
"PVCC!" the Jerkops roared, raising their fists skyward. "RISE! RESIST! REVOLUTION!"
"HONEY BADGERS!" Steve shouted at the top of his lungs, taking Al's place as the Legend retreated to contact Joe back at Menchi-Nasu. "You know what it's gonna be like out there! We're outnumbered and outgunned! We lost our air superiority and our reinforcements! They've got the Combo out for blood, and we know they're gonna fight to the last breath." The Jerkop grinned. "But we're still in this. And now they're gonna have to learn the hard way about what happens when you fuck with the Honey Badgers." Lifting the XM8 upright, he pulled a full magazine from his belt and slid it into the breach with a muffled click. "Let's go show them."
Kevin clutched his AK-47 against his chest as a shiver ran down the back of his neck. He couldn't tell whether it was anticipation, excitement, terror, or a combination of all three. All he knew was that even if the PVCC lost the offensive and every one of his squadmates and friends lost their lives in the battle, he was locked in this war to the bitter end. Everything hinged upon this one final push, this one desperate attempt to reclaim the city and drive back the loyalists. Walsh had made it clear from the very beginning. No retreat. No surrender. No holds barred.
"NOW GIVE 'EM HELL, HONEY BADGERS!" Steve continued, raising the loaded assault rifle above his head with one arm. "GIVE THEM HELL, OR MEET THEM THERE! PVCC!"
"ENTERING THE FRONTLINES!" screamed Zoey as the Jerkops hurriedly whirled around and jammed the barrels of their rifles and submachine guns through the firing slits on both sides of the Battle Bus. Above them, two hollow reports from Nick's sniper rifle rang out again and again, mingling with the rapid thunk of the grenade launcher turret. "FIRE! FIRE AT WILL!"
Clenching his teeth, Kevin zeroed in on the nearest flash of yellow fur and squeezed the trigger.
"BARRICADE! EVERYONE BRACE!" yelled Matt, flooring the Battle Bus's accelerator as the armored vehicle came alive with a thousand thunderclaps of gunfire. "SERGE, LIGHT 'EM THE FUCK UP!"
"AAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!" the giant Russian bellowed, laughing madly over the mechanical roar from his minigun's six spinning barrels. Stealing a quick glance ahead, Kevin could see what looked like dozens of soldiers in blue combat armor scrambling to get out of the way. Baba Yaga's wrath was simply unmatched, raining down destruction and chaos upon anything unfortunate enough to cross Serge's line of fire. "FLEE, COWARDS! FLEE FROM SERGE!"
The bus shuddered violently, plowing straight through the barricade with a colossal crash and a spray of sparks. Thrown off by the collision, Kevin managed to raise a hand and shield his face just before the impact hurled him forward into the back of the next seat, stunning him briefly.
"Get up! Get up!" Allie shouted, and pulled him back up. Trogdor the Burninator was of no use inside the bus, so her weapon of choice had been downgraded to her pistol. "Kevin, you okay?"
"I'm fine!" Kevin shook his head to clear it and turned back to the window. The Battle Bus had stopped dead in its tracks, its wheels spinning uselessly and throwing up debris and ash as Matt struggled to free the massive vehicle from the ruins of the loyalist barricade. "FUCK! What happened?"
"Matt, what the hell are you doing?" Steve yelled, blasting away indiscriminately with his XM8 out of the forward left firing slit. "Get her out of there!"
"I can't! We're stuck! We're fucking stuck!" Matt hammered the gas pedal again and again, but to no avail. He punched the console radio. "NICK! You guys okay up there? What did we hit?"
"Can't see it from up here!" the sniper's voice responded through waves of static and the sharp rattle of gunfire. "Get us out, fast! We got a merc platoon and EHPF coming in from the west!"
"Everyone, keep up the fire!" Steve commanded as he dropped the XM8 and grabbed up Origin and his kukri. "Kevin, Nate, give me cover from the door! I'll get up front and cut us loose."
"Fuck that, Morrison," Al snarled. "Stay here. She's my baby, and I'm getting her out."
"Arceus!" swore Steve, and turned to the Shaw brothers. "Kevin, you're going out too. Keep Al covered from the ground; the Sparkies are gonna try and fry the engine while we're stuck. Nate, you're gonna pick off anything Nick can't. You two with me on this?"
Nate raised his Barrett, showing off the dead Sonee that he'd impaled from ass to mouth on its barrel. "Let's see how they like getting sniped by their own babies. You with me, little bro?"
"Always," Kevin replied, and slid a grenade into the launcher on his AK-47.
"Open the door, Matt," commanded Al, drawing his M1911. "I'm gonna need your wrench."
Matt obediently tossed the heavy tool to the Manajerk, then pulled down on the door control lever. With a pneumatic hiss, the Battle Bus's front door retracted, revealing the debris-strewn wasteland that had once been a thriving commercial hub of the Get-Tar district. Most of the buildings had already collapsed, and those left standing seemed to be just on the verge as well.
Al stepped out onto the street slowly, almost casually, ignoring the metallic pings of bullets ricocheting off the opposite side of the bus. Quickly sweeping the area, he tucked the wrench under his arm and crouched beside the rumbling vehicle to assess the damage.
From inside the Battle Bus, Kevin's vision had been restricted to whatever lay just beyond his own dirty window and parts of the front windshield. Outside, an entirely different scene was unfolding. Whatever the PVCC had intended to achieve here now lay buried beneath a churning, blazing battlefield of fallen apartments, stores, and dozens of wrecked cars. Battle lines had formed between Jerkop and loyalist squads along lines of cover that had once been walls, while Sonichus zipped back and forth to unleash electric attacks on the entrenched rebel operatives. The PVCC, however, still held the advantage of heavy armor, but their Transformers were slow and cumbersome, as opposed to the lightning-quick speed possessed by the EHPF. Kevin couldn't tell who was winning or who was losing. All he knew was that many more good men and women were going to die if they didn't get back on the road soon.
"INCOMING!" Steve shouted, pointing wildly to the northwest. "Matt, get down!" Flashes of light appeared from the cockpit as he stepped around the Jerkop and jammed the barrel of his XM8 through the nearest firing slit. On the opposite side, Kevin heard a Sonichu cry out in pain, followed by a meaty crunch as it slammed into the bus's armored surface.
"We're caught on a pipe," Al muttered while Kevin took up a firing position at the front of the Battle Bus. "Wheel's okay, but I'm going to have to do some radical reconstruction here."
"Fine! Okay!" yelled Kevin, his heart pounding as he spun left and right in search of the incoming EHPF attackers. "I don't care what you have to do - just do it now!"
"Couldn't agree more." Raising the wrench, Al began hammering away at the weakened pipe, denting its rusted surface and slowly bending it down off the wheel. "How'd this stop us?"
Kevin didn't answer. His mind was locked into survival mode, and it wouldn't be long before…
"SO-NI-CHUUUUU!"
Lightning seared across the Battle Bus's hull and arced away into the ground, three feet from where Al was working. Kevin reflexively fired a burst toward the Sonichu, but missed in his haste. Two retaliatory blasts from Nate's Barrett sent the chu zipping away again, but it didn't take more than five seconds for the next to appear. They were actually using tactics for once, testing the Jerkops' defenses for weaknesses before they mounted their main attack.
And unfortunately for Kevin, it appeared that they had just found one.
"For the Creator! Zap to the extreme!"
"Prepare for defeat, you villainous JERKS!"
"SO-NI-CHUUUUUU!"
"FUUUUUCK!" screamed Kevin as five Sonichus in EHPF uniforms hurled themselves over the debris, charging the Battle Bus and rolling into Spin Dash form. "AL, GET BACK IN THE-"
A green and orange blur zoomed past him, moving at such a high speed that the shockwave knocked the wind right out of Kevin and sent him tumbling to the ground. Gasping for breath, he pulled himself up to see another Electric Hedgehog Pokémon slam into the foremost EHPF officer, nearly annihilating the surprised Sonichu in a whirling storm of blood, yellow fur, and razor-sharp quills. The newcomer wasted no time gloating, instead choosing to deliver a crippling kick to the next closest foe. Taken off guard by this unexpected attack, the other three officers promptly uncurled themselves and fired a triple Thundershock, but the green Sonichu was no longer there. Kevin could hardly keep up with the battle as it played out before his very eyes, but all he knew was that whatever Electric Hedgehog Pokémon had just saved his and Al's lives was obviously no friend of the loyalists.
"Don't shoot the green one!" he yelled back to Nate. "Al, how much longer?"
"COME ON! COME ON, YOU STUBBORN PILE OF SONEE SHIT!" roared the Legend, and slammed his wrench into the pipe again and again. The metal tube was still lodged beneath the Battle Bus, despite his best efforts.
"We're gonna have to evacuate her!" shouted Steve. "Al, for fuck's sake, we're gonna get torn apart if we-"
"SHUT UP, MORRISON!" Al delivered a furious kick to the pipe with his steel-toed boot. "FUCK! GODDAMN IT! ALLIE! ALLIE, GET OUT HERE!"
"SO-NI-CHUUUUU!"
The Thundershock slammed directly into the Battle Bus's windshield, along with several bullets from the mercenary squads trading fire with the Honey Badgers and Pickled Ducks. Kevin leapt away a few feet, then switched over to his grenade launcher and sent a 40mm explosive round sailing high over the battlefield like a mortar shell. He couldn't see whether it had connected with anything, but he didn't care.
Allie appeared in the doorway and hurried down, nearly slipping on the last step as the massive flamethrower hissed in her arms. "Al! I'm here! What do you need?"
"Turn your pilot light all the way up and stick it under this pipe," the Manajerk instructed. "If we can't bend it, we'll cut the whole damn thing off."
The Jerkop flipped down her mask and knelt beside the pipe, then jammed Trogdor's mouth up against its rusted surface and twisted a knob on the side. Sparks began to fly as the white-hot impromptu welding torch seared through the thick metal, turning the dull grey a brilliant orange.
Kevin rose and fired two long bursts toward the loyalists on the other side of the Battle Bus, his hands shaking as the AK-47 shuddered and kicked against his shoulder. He could hardly see a thing through the waves of smoke rolling across the battlefield, but at least some hope for survival remained now that the new arrival was currently kicking an unbelievable amount of Electric Hedgehog Pokémon ass behind him. The surviving four members of the EHPF attack team, one of whom now had a broken shoulder, were just barely clinging on as the green Sonichu zipped from one to the other, dealing out Spin Dashes and flying kicks and Thunder Punches while skillfully avoiding the chus' retaliatory attacks.
"AAAAGH! FUUUUCK! AAAGHHH!"
Whirling back towards the Battle Bus, Kevin watched in horror as Matt jerked backward and clutched his shoulder where a sniper shot from the mercenaries had clipped him deep. Steve grabbed the wounded Jerkop and hauled him away from the door, back to where Jexis was waiting with her surgical kit.
"Son of a…Matt's down!" Zoey called out to Al, her voice hoarse from yelling so much. "HOLY FUCK! JAVELIN! Merc with a Javelin, eight 'o clock moving to nine! NICK! KILL HIM!"
"MIERDA! Stay still, you…" The sniper's voice was cut off by his rifle's sudden report.
"I'm almost through," reported Allie. "Kevin, how you doing?"
"Just get us out of here!" Kevin yelled, and emptied the rest of his clip blindly around the front of the bus. If he'd managed to hit anyone, divine Arceus itself was guiding his bullets.
A Sonichu's limp corpse slammed into the Battle Bus's side armor, leaving a splash of blood across the yellow-painted surface. Looking back, Kevin realized that the green Electric Hedgehog Pokémon had narrowed its EHPF opposition down to two. The other chu lay gasping in the burning ruins, his chest torn open by a Spin Dash. At the moment, the newcomer was grappling with one of the remaining officers while the other Thunderpunched his unprotected back. He seemed to be holding his own, but the Jerkop decided to offer assistance anyway.
The AK-47 cracked thrice as Kevin opened fire, blasting a pair of holes through the second Sonichu's head. Whirling around, the green chu delivered a Thunderpunch of his own to the final EHPF officer, directly beneath the Electric Hedgehog Pokémon's chin. With a muffled crunch, the Sonichu's broken body sailed backward, rolling through the debris until it came to a sudden stop against a ruined billboard with STAY STRAIGHT, MAGI-CHAN IS WATCHING printed on its surface around a picture of the aforementioned psychic Chaotic Combo member.
Exhausted and bloodstained, the Sonichu brushed his orange ears back and let out a long sigh of relief. Glancing around to see where the fifth opponent had gone, he noticed Kevin crouching beside the Battle Bus, his AK-47 still pointed toward the chu.
In less than a second, Kevin found himself staring directly at the Electric Hedgehog Pokémon's fused eyes from two feet away. It had dashed over so fast that it might as well have teleported.
"Thanks," said the Sonichu, and patted him on the shoulder. "You guys from Slumberland? They said they were sending reinforcements."
"Honey Badgers, Ha-Taque," Al addressed the newcomer dryly. "Menchi-Nasu. And no, we're not here to help you clear the front. We've got orders to escort…"
"Well, I'll tell you what, Manajerk," Reldnahc Notsew Naitsirhc retorted as he pressed his medallion and shifted in a flash of white light, revealing himself as a muscular, good-looking young man wearing torn purple pants, a black groin plate, and a series of green straps across his bare chest. "You've just been reassigned. Dad and Robotnik and I are taking out Sonichu, and we're gonna need backup to get out to CWC-Central Park."
"Walsh gave us direct orders to…"
"I don't give a fuck about what Walsh said!" the Team Rocket commander shouted angrily. "She and that scepter of hers fucked us all over, and now we've lost the city! So we're just gonna kill Chandler's champion to even the odds a little. Dad's got a plan to kidnap that dumbass's wife."
"Dad? You mean…Giovanni," Kevin growled. He still hadn't forgotten Viridian Forest. "How?"
"Magicians never reveal their secrets, boy," Reldnahc said condescendingly. He shifted back to his Ha-Taque form, then pushed Allie aside and stepped on the glowing pipe, freeing the Battle Bus instantly. "Now get back in your little Magic School Bus and I'll get you all out of this hellhole." Without another word, he zipped away, leaving a trail of ash and embers in his wake.
"Who the fuck was that?" asked Allie as Kevin helped her to her feet and brushed her off.
"Naitsirhc, son of Giovanni," the Jerkop answered. "Team Rocket, brighter than light. Surrender now or prepare to fight. Ring any bells?"
"The Shopping Center…" Allie drew in a sudden gasp. "That was him? How did we…"
"No time," growled Al. "Ovid! Change of plans, we're heading west to the suburbs! Get your team back to friendly lines; they'll get you up to Lightning in one piece! Steve, Zoey, Kuri, you three take over the machine guns!"
One by one, the Pickled Ducks gathered their gear and filed out of the Battle Bus, while the two squad leaders and Kuri took their places on the three SAW turrets.
"Thanks for the ride," Tom addressed Al as Diana and Toby helped Allie and Kevin clear away the rest of the debris to free up the bus. "It's not your fault. We'll find our own way, don't worry. Arceus knows, we could use that grey scientist guy more than ever now."
"Grey scientist guy?" Al asked confusedly. "What are you-"
"Ah, never mind." The man extended a hand. "Good hunting, Ledger. And good luck."
"You too, Ovid. Bring McKenzie back alive, and you'll be heroes." Al holstered his M1911 and shook Tom's hand briefly, then dashed back into the Battle Bus to see to the defense. Reldnahc Ha-Taque was holding back the EHPF assault as best as he could, but the Honey Badgers still needed to get out of the kill zone, and fast. While the Pickled Ducks retreated out of sight towards the nearest Jerkop squad, Kevin and Allie finished digging the stuck wheel out in panicked silence. Every second they spent here was another second wasted. For the Honey Badgers, the stakes had now taken on an even higher importance with Reldnahc's arrival.
They had set out to kill Magi-Chan, but now they were going to kill the royal couple themselves.
"We're clear!" yelled Kevin to Al as he and Allie hurried up the steps and into the bus. "Al, we're clear! Is Matt…"
"I'm fine! I'll live!" coughed the injured Jerkop, and waved from the back seat where Jexis was treating his wound. Kuri stood behind them, firing the rear-mounted SAW at any merc or chu foolish enough to try flanking the Battle Bus. Her black hairband bounced up and down on her head with every burst, and the Poké Balls on her belt seemed to be on the verge of popping open.
"Right!" yelled Al, leaping into the driver's seat. "We're moving out! Steve, keep up the fire!"
"That's what we've been doing for the last ten minutes, Al!" Steve retorted, just as his machine gun jammed with a horrifying click. "Damn it! Nate, get over here and cover me while I-"
"JAVELIN!"
Amanda's scream from was horrifically interrupted as the missile plowed straight into the Battle Bus's left side armor, ripping a massive chunk of metal plating out of the vehicle, reducing the SAW to a smoking wreck, and hurling Steve across the bus and into the opposite wall. The blond Jerkop slid down and curled up on the seat with a moan of pain, his hands bloody and his beard singed. There was no way the explosion hadn't given him some kind of soft tissue damage.
"GODDAMN IT! STEVE!" roared Al. "Jexis, help him! Everyone else, hang on to something!"
Kevin pushed his way back to his seat and reloaded quickly, stealing a full magazine from Zoey as he passed her. The bus was falling apart beneath them, and he wasn't so sure the vehicle could take another Javelin shot. The mercenaries definitely knew that they had done some significant damage, because they were now sending the brunt of their fire directly toward the side of the bus. Behind him, Nick and Amanda dropped down the ladder one by one to reinforce Nate and Zoey at the breach.
Suddenly, the Battle Bus lurched backward, nearly throwing Kevin out of his seat again. For a moment, he thought the mercs had managed to fire off another missile, but was quickly proven wrong when a deafening roar of victory rang through the bus.
"THAT'S IT! WE'RE CLEAR!" the Legend shouted as he wheeled the massive vehicle back around and slammed his foot down on the gas pedal. "Back to your stations! Fire! FIRE!"
"You heard him! Back to your stations!" yelled Zoey. "Kevin, take over on the breach! Allie, here!" She tossed Steve's XM8 across the bus to Allie. "Take Kevin's spot and hold them off!"
"But I've never…"
"I SAID HOLD THEM OFF!"
"YES, MA'AM!" Allie scooted over and jammed her assault rifle through the firing slit as Kevin vaulted the back of their seat and hurried over to Zoey. Steve and Matt lay injured in the back, each bearing several fresh bandages…and numerous wounds. The sight of his friend and his squad leader in such pain was disheartening, to say the least. Interestingly enough, Steve's missing eye had ended up saving his life by absorbing a piece of shrapnel from the explosion. If the patch hadn't been there, the shard would have most likely embedded itself in his brain.
An electronic shriek sounded from the front of the Battle Bus as Al turned on the speaker system. Reldnahc hadn't noticed them leave yet, and the Jerkops needed to let him know they were ready to move. Also, Kevin had a strange feeling that he knew exactly what the Legend had planned for the Honey Badgers' exit strategy.
"Okay, Reldnahc, now's the time to give us some fucking assistance!" Al shouted into the receiver, his voice amplified by the loudspeakers embedded in all four corners of the Battle Bus. "Pull out and cover us! We're on the road and heading west!"
Immediately, the green Sonichu dashed away from the melee and zoomed right back toward the bus as it rumbled onward through enemy territory. Rifle and SMG rounds pinged and rebounded off its armored exterior, but even with its immense size, the vehicle was still harder to hit on the move than it was when standing still. Kevin was burning through grenades at a maddening rate, firing the launcher at anything blue or yellow he could see. So far, he had exactly two confirmed kills, and he was pretty sure one of the chus had already been dead when he blasted it to pieces.
"Right," Al continued into the speakers. "I hate to be cliché, but…let's get this party started."
Even with the sounds of gunfire blazing in his ears, Kevin could still hear the familiar sound of an audio cassette being pushed into the Battle Bus's tape deck. Al normally made use of Steve's iPod for blasting Slayer or Metallica to pump up the Honey Badgers, but he was also partial to a more old-school approach. And in this case, the song that blared out of the speakers was about as old-school as they came.
...can best believe that…he's a macho man!
Ready to get down with…anyone he can!
HEY! HEY! HEY, HEY, HEY!
MACHO, MACHO MAN!
I've got to be…a macho man!
MACHO, MACHO MAN!
I've got to be a macho!
Laughing insanely, Kevin swung his AK-47 to the right and managed to gun down a Sonichu who had stopped to scream and cover his black-tipped ears in extreme insecurity and discomfort. The bullets punched through the chu's body, each one sending up a pink mist where they struck. Most of the mercenary soldiers must have been concentrated at the frontlines, because the hostile fire seemed to be dying down as the Battle Bus rolled through western CWCville, away from the battlefield. Reldnahc led them on, stopping only to attack or kill any EHPF officers who tried to fire Thundershocks into the vehicle.
Eventually, the sounds of battle faded away and were lost in the distance. Al turned off the loudspeakers and ejected his "Greatest Hits of the Village People" cassette, then let out a shaky breath and brought the Battle Bus to a halt in the middle of an intersection.
Kevin collapsed to the floor, his arms numb and his temples throbbing with pain. He was almost certain one of his eardrums had popped, but the pain quickly faded as soon as he closed his eyes.
"Okay," the Legend addressed his Jerkops calmly. "We did it, guys. We made it through."
"The hell's going on in there, Ledger?!" yelled Reldnahc Ha-Taque, tapping his sneakered foot impatiently. "Dad's probably bringing Rosechu to the park right now! Get a move on!"
"GIVE ME A FUCKING SECOND!" Al bellowed at the top of his lungs, silencing the Sonichu immediately. "All right. Zoey, damage report."
"Aye, sir," Zoey replied in a near-perfect imitation of Lieutenant Uhura from Star Trek while she scanned the bus. "Matt's down, Steve's down, we've got a giant hole in our left side, and we lost the left SAW. The roof emplacement's still in one piece, and we're down to two boxes of mixed ammo, four boxes of MG ammo, and half a box of grenades. She'll hold up for another fight, but I don't think she can take another gauntlet like that."
"Agreed." Al turned to Serge. "How many rounds did you go through?"
Serge pulled his minigun back through the window and planted a sloppy kiss directly onto its steaming barrel. "Baba Yaga does not know. Serge does not care. Still enough left for more fun."
"That was fun?" scoffed Amanda. "Arceus. You ain't human, you know that, Serge?"
"Dammit." Steve pushed himself up, cradling one of his injured hands with the other. "Al, are we seriously going after Sonichu and Rosechu now? What about Blanca and Silvana? We're supposed to go take out Magi-Chan with them. Reldnahc can get another squad!"
Al sighed. "Look, Steve, I wasn't expecting this. No one was expecting this. But if he's right, then we could save this entire offensive and jumpstart the revolution. We kill Sonichu, and it's all over. We prove to the city that their mayor's greatest 'hero' is still only mortal, just like us." The Legend clenched a fist and pounded the back of his seat. "And then…the uprising begins."
Steve didn't respond, but the look in his eye betrayed the doubt lurking within. Without a sound, he lay down and began batting the unconscious, moaning, explosive-filled Rosey back and forth on the floor like a cat playing with a toy ball.
"Let's go!" Reldnahc shouted again. "Or am I gonna have to push you the rest of the way?"
"Cool it, Ha-Taque. We're going." Al stepped on the gas and sent the Battle Bus rolling away again. The green Sonichu zipped ahead to scout out the path, while Kuri kept a close eye on the rear and swiveled her SAW back and forth at the slightest sign of movement.
The burning streets of Get-Tar gradually gave way to the skyscrapers and apartment complexes of the Upper West district, most of which were also on fire after the Crackder bombardment. In the distance, Kevin could hear the booming roar of airstrikes being launched against the shielded Shopping Center, the low pop-pop-pop of faraway S.A.V. autocannons and small explosions. Though the idea of a complete and utter PVCC victory had all but dwindled to a desperate hope, the Jerkops across the city fought on regardless of opposition, fighting and killing and dying by the dozens in a last attempt to end the reign of the Electric Hedgehog Pokémon once and for all.
And with luck, the Honey Badgers would soon find themselves at the crossroads of history.
Kevin settled back into his seat beside Allie, weary, dirty, and disoriented. Even if he'd wanted to, he didn't have the strength to take her hand again. All he could do was sit there, and wonder what would happen to them once the war was over. Would they even be alive to see the dawn of an age where the Chaotic Combo no longer ruled the city, where the Navitaricius species no longer forced the humans into poverty and misery, where the EHPF, the Nanny Program, the straight camps, and the tugboat taxes were all destroyed forever?
He didn't know. He just…didn't know.
"Joe," Al spoke quietly into his mask's walkie-talkie. Kevin could barely hear him above the clatter of the bus as it rolled through the bombed-out streets after Reldnahc. "Joe, are you still there? There's been a change of plans…we can't get to Blanca. Repeat, we can't get to the-"
"GET THAT FUCKING UAV LOCKED ON THEM!" Vivian Gee screamed in the background of the transmission, jarring the Legend so much that he almost swerved the Battle Bus into the side of a deserted Burger King. "MARY! MARY, THEY'RE GOING DOWN!"
"Who's going down? What the hell's going on over there?" Mary Lee Walsh's voice joined in as the technicians and operators at Menchi-Nasu's control room erupted into a chorus of panicked chatter. "Gee, someone, anyone, answer me! Where is she? WHERE IS AGENT O'NEIL?"
Upper Central district, near CWCville General Hospital, 1:35 p.m.
"ENGINE FIRE ON THE RIGHT WING! GODDAMNIT!"
"We're losing the tail fin! I can't keep her airborne! Bail out! Everyone bail out NOW!"
Ivy toppled to the floor with a scream as the Crackder shuddered and pitched violently to the right, sending anyone who wasn't buckled in tumbling around like rubber balls in the back of a moving pickup truck. Encumbered by their armor, the Jerkop specialists could only curl up and pray to Arceus that the pilots could hold their transport steady long enough for them to get to the parachutes located in the rear of the plane. So far, that wasn't happening.
As per BILLY MAYS's orders, the soldiers and crew on board the manned Transformer had spent the last hour picking up wounded Jerkops from the central battlefront and transporting them over to the closest safe haven, which as of then was Slumberland. Ivy had insisted on staying with the aircraft until it docked in Menchi-Nasu. Her information was for Walsh's eyes, and for Walsh's eyes only. The commander's instructions had been quite clear during her briefing. No one could know she was working with the PVCC. As far as the loyalists knew, Ivy and BILLY MAYS had both been kidnapped by rebel soldiers and were now being held hostage.
Unfortunately, that knowledge meant fuck-all when Angelica Rosechu had appeared out of the blue and sliced open their right engine with a Steel Wing attack.
Ivy didn't know why Angelica hadn't just finished them off in the first place. Maybe the Angel of Death wasn't quite as merciful as she liked her followers to believe. The only upside the PVCC agent could think of at the moment was the white Rosechu's reaction to what had happened at the CWCville Central Church of GodJesus. That place had been Angelica's pride and joy, and as luck would have it, a Jerkop squad had just so happened to blast their way in and slaughter every single Electric Hedgehog Pokémon inside, including over a hundred larvae.
A half-insane grin spread across Ivy's pretty face as she imagined fifty Robbie Sonees and fifty Cera Roseys shrieking and squealing in agony as they were torn apart and butchered like the tiny little pigs they were. She'd had to endure hell with those two spoiled brats and their narcissistic "shiny" sister Christine, but now…no more. She was going to see their executions. Walsh had promised the Miscreants three deaths, three of the most unspeakably excruciating deaths ever bestowed upon a trio of Sonees and Roseys. And if she survived the crash, she would gleefully watch them die, knowing that they now knew what kind of suffering they'd put her through.
"HI, BILLY MAYS HERE!" bellowed BILLY MAYS as he slid across the plane towards her, holding what looked like a backpack. "I'm here to tell YOU about our new and improved surplus Air Force parachute, guaranteed to get ANYONE out of a burning plane and to safety, especially YOU! It's easy! All you do it put your arms in these easily-adjustable straps, fasten the harness, and pull the cord as soon as you're clear of the explosion! But I'm not done yet! If you miss the cord or something goes wrong with your chute, this awesome BACKUP CHUTE automatically activates five seconds after you jump! And we're throwing this all together for no extra cost!
"Okay! Okay!" shouted Ivy, and slipped the parachute on as BILLY helped her buckle in. The bearded salesman's voice may have been as energetic as always, but his face and eyes were nothing short of dead serious. "Where do we get ou-"
CRUNCH!
"WE JUST LOST THE WHOLE RIGHT WING! MENCHI-NASU, WE'RE GOING DOWN! OH SWEET ARCEUS, WE'RE GOING DOWN! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHH H!"
"OH GOD!" Ivy screamed as she felt the aircraft begin to spin all around her. Holding on to BILLY MAYS with all her might, she squeezed her eyes shut and began whispering a Hail Mary to herself. For good measure, she threw in a prayer to Arceus. It was all she could do. Whether she and BILLY and the Jerkops survived or not was now firmly in the hands of fate.
No way out of here, Ivy thought to herself. A tear rolled down her cheek. It'll be dark soon.
Seconds later, the Crackder smashed into the twenty-fifth floor of CWCville General Hospital.
Ivy awoke in darkness, her left leg throbbing with pain and something warm and wet seeping through her hair. As if in a dream, she opened her eyes and looked around, wondering if there had actually even been a crash in the first place. Granted, she knew something had gone wrong, but she couldn't remember what. Air, something about the air, and a duffel bag full of…stuff…
"HURGH!" Pulling herself up, she immediately turned away and vomited, choking and heaving until her stomach was empty. Something didn't feel right. The last drops of saliva seemed to be falling sideways, parallel to the floor. An invisible force was pulling her down toward the front of the plane. Only when she spat in her hand and held it out did she realize the truth.
The Crackder was vertically embedded in the building…in an elevator shaft, to be precise.
Ivy nearly threw up again. Her eyes were adjusting to the darkness, but she could barely make out a piece of twisted metal that had caught her leg as she slid. She was now suspended by this very same piece of steel, this inanimate savior. But where was BILLY? Where were the Jerkops that had been on the plane with her? Looking around, Ivy could only see a cramped space full of sparks, fire, metal, and glass. The front of the Transformer had been completely torn off and fell down the shaft, leaving the chassis and tail stuck inside the elevator. But there was something else, lodged between the seats…a soft, cylindrical container that looked as if it were made of…
The duffel bag! There it was! Ivy sighed in relief as she reached for her precious cargo, wrapping her other leg around the metal spur to give herself more room for movement. It took a few tries, but she finally managed to swing her body over to the seats and grab on. Now for the hard part. With a grunt of exertion, the PVCC agent released her feet from the spur and held on tight to the back of the seat. Hand over hand, she pulled herself up to each new ledge, toward the duffel bag. Luckily, the Crackder wasn't hanging at an exact 90 degree angle to the ground, so she had enough of a difference in gravity to make the climb that much easier. Just one more pull, and…
"Gotcha!" Ivy coughed, and grabbed the duffel bag with one hand. Slinging it over her shoulder, she stole a look down toward the black pit below and pondered her next move.
"HI, BILLY MAYS HERE!"
Ivy sighed. She would be okay. BILLY MAYS was still alive, and he wouldn't leave her to die.
"BILLY!" she called out, looking around for the source of her fellow agent's voice. "BILLY, where are you? I'm still in the plane! Can you hear me?"
"Are you tired of being stuck in elevator shafts?" BILLY asked. "Do you have trouble coping with stressful situations? Did you just survive a plane crash? Well, have I got something for you! If you just look down, you'll see a brand new steel elevator cable hanging outside the plane!"
Ivy complied. The cable was there, swinging back and forth beside the large hole in the Crackder's chassis. It looked easy enough to grab. And standing just a few yards below it was…
"BILLY!" she cried out in relief. "Are you okay? Did anyone else survive?"
"BILLY MAYS here!" confirmed BILLY, waving to her from the twenty-third floor. Behind him, she could see two Jerkops standing guard in the hallway, while further away, the sounds of gunfire, electric zaps, and screaming Sonees and Roseys filled the hospital. The plane must have split apart and dropped the survivors two levels down, fortunately depositing them right through the middle of the Electric Hedgehog Pokémon maternity ward. Ivy felt a cruel grin spread across her face as a high-pitched "WOSEEEEEEEEEY!" rang out close by. BILLY politely waved and stepped aside to let one of the Jerkops hurl a squirming, skirtless pink fuzzball through the open door and into the abyss. Five seconds later, the newly hatched Rosey's screams abruptly stopped.
"Okay, I'm gonna jump and climb down!" Ivy yelled. "Here! Catch!" She heaved the duffel bag out toward BILLY, who just barely managed to grab hold of it and avoid joining the Rosey.
"Now wait, there's more!" the former salesman announced. "Since we just added the new and improved Jerkop Slaughter to this building, the EHPF are coming to rescue us and zap our friends to the extreme! We just have to distract the chus while the operatives take the stairs!"
"Sounds like a plan!" Gritting her teeth, the young woman tensed her body for the most important leap of faith she would ever make. "I'm going for it! Wish me luck! BANZAI!"
Ivy let go. Her shoes skidded against the steel floor as she slid towards the edge of the plane, but she was able to steer herself right toward the cable. She only had one shot at this…one shot…
Clunk!
There was no time to think, no time to recalibrate her jump. Ivy's foot slammed into another metal spur, just like the one that had saved her life before. She toppled out into empty space, gasping and struggling as the thick steel cable swung forward to meet her. Before she knew it, she had stopped falling…but not by grabbing the cable.
"HHHHHHRRRRRRRHHHHHHHH!" Ivy spluttered as the cold metal twisted around her windpipe. Her throat was being crushed. She could feel the sharp strands of steel pushing, grinding against her esophagus while blood thundered in her eyes and ears. It felt like drowning, just without the water. Fighting for breath, she grappled with the unyielding cable, but it refused to give. Her vision was going darker…darker…gone.
Two floors down, BILLY MAYS let out a scream of anguish as Ivy O'Neil's body shuddered and hung limp and lifeless from the cable that had strangled her. The same thing he had meant to save her life with had ended up taking it instead. He'd failed. He'd failed to save the one thing he had been assigned to bring back in one piece, and it was all because of his…
"Sir!" shouted a panicked female Jerkop as she dashed around the corner of the hospital corridor, her hair prickling up with static. "Sir, they got Nelson and Barnes! We can't h-AAAAGGHHH!" She collapsed to the ground, dead, still twitching from the intense Thundershock that had caught her in the back. BILLY froze, his heart pounding in his chest. The two remaining Jerkops looked at his expectantly, but he had no answers for them. Only cold, hopeless fear remained.
"Y'all can't escape now!" a Sonichu called out, its nasal voice trembling victoriously. "Give yourselves up and we won't zap you to the extreme!"
"Do it," BILLY whispered, overcoming his natural urge to shout the instructions. "I'll get you out. It's easy. Just pretend that you were keeping me prisoner, and everything will be okay."
"I hope you know what you're doing, BILLY," snarled the Manajerk.
"Well well well!" boasted the EHPF sergeant as he and four more Sonichus rounded the corner to find the PVCC agent and the two Jerkops standing by the elevator shaft with their hands in the air. "So, you dang JERKS were plotting to kidnap the Mayor's friend, BILLY MAYS! Guess you failed to count on us coming to save the day!" He winked at BILLY. "You do not have to worry now, Mr. MAYS; we have this all under control. Now hurry back to the Shopping Center; Magi-Chan says that the Autobots will be ready to help us beat back those dirty trolls and save the city of CWCville from their slander!"
"I'd love to, Sergeant!" BILLY exclaimed, forcing himself back into his "sales pitch" persona the Electric Hedgehog Pokémon knew and loved so well. "Hi, BILLY MAYS here, and I want to thank YOU for saving me from those awful, awful kidnappers! Make sure they're locked up for good! I recommend B Block in the CWCville Penitentiary!"
"What a great idea!" exclaimed the uniformed Sonichu. "Thanks, Mr. MAYS!"
"You're welcome!" laughed BILLY. It was the most painful laugh he'd ever had to conjure in his life. "Now I'm off to help…SAVE THE DAY!"
On his way down the stairs of CWCville General Hospital, while the piteous screams of grieving Rosechu parents and the distant thunder of the citywide battle sounded through the building, all that BILLY MAYS could think of was Ivy's horrified face, locked in that sickening contortion as she'd choked to death right in front of him. All her time undercover, her life among the chus and Chandler…she'd put everything on the line. He'd comforted her after she posed for the mayor's infamous wedding and honeymoon comics, after Chandler had declared that God and Jesus had meant for them to be together as Sweethearts from the Ground-Up, after she'd had her brain psychically violated by Chandler from the Time Void, after every city meeting, every Sunday spent at Angelica's church, every "pwaydate" with the three horrible Sonichu children…
Clutching the duffel bag to his chest, BILLY MAYS slumped against the wall and sobbed. It had all been for nothing, Ivy's sacrifice had achieved nothing, and he had done nothing to save her.
Then and there, before the eyes of mighty Arceus, he made her a promise…a vow for vengeance.
And by ensuring that the contents of Ivy's duffel bag found their way to Menchi-Nasu, the embers of his vengeance would soon be stoked into flame. He would make sure that CWCville forever remembered the name of Ivy O'Neil, and the revolution that she had died to ignite.
BILLY MAYS had a plan, and it was easy. All that was left was for him to set it in motion.
Northwest CWCville, Lightning district, Penny Lane apartments, 2:08 p.m.
Fire.
Shielding her face against the approaching flames with one hand, Sarah Cassandra McKenzie slammed against the door again and again in a futile attempt to break free, while her panda-ear headband bounced up and down with each frenzied strike. Panic raced through her – the kind of panic only those who find themselves in a situation with no way out could possibly feel.
Desperate to escape, the Australian girl drew her pistol and fired two shots into the lock. The wood cracked, but no matter how hard she kicked the splintered mess, it wouldn't budge. Only more fire lay on the other side. Since Chandler had had the sprinkler systems for all chu-friendly buildings removed across the city to decrease the chances of any Electric Hedgehog Pokémon shocking themselves, her apartment and the entire Penny Lane complex would soon be engulfed in flames. The only way out she could see was through the window, and that meant a five-story drop straight down into the sidewalk. She couldn't survive that. But maybe, just maybe…
"AUGHH!" the PVCC agent cried out as a burning plank collapsed from the ceiling and struck her on the shoulder. Clenching her teeth against the pain, she hobbled over to her bedroom and slammed the door shut, just before the living room was consumed by a hungry surge of flames. There wasn't much time. She had to let Menchi-Nasu know what had happened.
The entire building had been set alight by a damaged S.A.V. that had careened out of control after Magi-Chan Sonichu had hurled half of a Punislav at it in the midst of fending off a Jerkop squad a few blocks south of the Penny Lane apartments. The EHPF were too busy helping their fearless leaders push back the rebel advance, so saving one of the Mayor's gal-pals had suddenly been pushed down to "workin' on it" status. Of course, that excuse didn't help her one bit. Now she was one of the few survivors trapped within the blazing structure, thanks to the Electric Hedgehog Pokémon and their complete disregard for the safety of CWCville's human citizens.
Grabbing her emergency radio from the dresser next to Bob and Chloe's S-Chu Balls, Sarah hurriedly switched it to a secure frequency and punched the orange DISTRESS button over and over again. The response, thankfully, was immediate.
"Agent McKenzie!" Mary Lee Walsh sounded unbelievably relieved, but the utter urgency in her voice was clear. "We just saw Penny Lane go up in flames! Are you hurt? What's your status?"
"I can't get out!" yelled Sarah, collecting the S-Chu Balls into her arms as hungry flames began licking at the carpet of her bedroom. "The dang door won't open!"
"We've got an extraction team on the way! Stay there! We'll get you out! Don't worry!"
The smoke was billowing through now, drowning out Walsh's words in a choking black cloud. Sarah coughed again and again, her eyes filling with tears as she stared at her precious comrades.
"I…I must save…my…Pokémon…" she choked, and dropped the radio onto her bed.
"Agent McKenzie? AGENT MCKENZIE! SARAH! SARAH, WHAT ARE YOU-"
Light-headed and weak from smoke inhalation, Sarah wobbled her way to the window and somehow managed to force it open. The momentary breath of fresh air was quickly smothered by escaping smoke, along with a wall of heat from behind her that nearly scorched her hair off. The door was burning, and soon, she would too. But Bob and Chloe…she could still save them.
For Team PandaHalo, she thought to herself as she hurled the S-Chu Balls out the open window.
West CWCville, subdivisions, CWC-Central Park, 2:10 p.m.
Even if the PVCC was technically losing the battle for CWCville, Kevin would never have been able to tell from the state of CWC-Central Park. As the Battle Bus slowly followed Reldnahc down the winding dirt road and across the fields littered with craters, splintered and burning trees, and piles of dead Electric Hedgehog Pokémon, the Honey Badgers looked on with awe at each new leftover from the merciless slaughter that had taken place across the past two hours.
There was no question about it – what Marcus Bagget and the Jerkop teams in his platoon had done to the subdivisions was nothing short of absolute carnage on the level of Genghis Khan. With the EHPF focused on defending the ten-mile stretch of urban CWCville against the main PVCC invasion, the Jerkop high commander had seized the opportunity to bring the fight behind enemy lines, thus coordinating both the assault on the Shopping Center and the massacre at CWC-Central Park. And while the former had dwindled into a stalemate, the latter was most likely destined to go down in history as the single greatest blow against the Electric Hedgehog Pokémon species since the Soup Hotel exterminations of 2004.
"Goddamn," Al muttered in admiration. "Almost makes you think that we were winning this."
"It's not over yet," replied Zoey, staring at something up ahead. "Look, there they are."
The bus slowed to a halt, its engine hissing as it stopped in front of the assembly zone. Al turned off the engine and stood up, then made his way down the steps and out into the park. Zoey and Steve followed him, then the rest of the Honey Badgers, even Matt. By now, both he and Steve had stopped bleeding, though their injuries still weren't anywhere close to being healed.
"Okay, then," Al addressed his Jerkops when they had all disembarked. "You know what we're going to try and do here. You know what we're about to face, and how we'll do it. We're going to kill Sonichu and Rosechu." He grinned. "After we're done here, we're gonna pay a visit to 14 Brunchville Lane and have some fun with their little babies. I figure we earned that much today."
Steve made a motion as if to respond, but remained silent. Kevin could tell that something was bothering the squad leader, but he didn't have an idea as to what that something could have been.
"Well well." Zoey grinned and pointed to a mech-form Punislav standing in the middle of what could only be the staging ground for this new trap. Giovanni and Dr. Ivo Robotnik stood beside it, conversing with Marcus Bagget and Reldnahc, who had changed back into human form. And firmly clutched in the brown Transformer's right hand was none other than…
"Rosechu," Kevin growled as a surge of memories flooded through him. It was as if he was back in Viridian all over again, escaping the bus after Team Rocket had attacked, wandering through the dark forest with Max and Julie, and finally encountering the pink-furred beast that now hung helpless and screaming before him. Back then, he had been naïve and shortsighted. He would never have guessed that Kel's new friend and her sweetbolt would one day enslave CWCville, ruin his life, and spawn such horrid offspring as Cera Rosey, Christine Rosey, and Robbie Sonee.
Matt patted him on the shoulder. "Easy, Kevin. All good things, you know?"
"Yeah, yeah." Kevin pushed his friend's hand away and stepped forward, crossing the field toward the three administrators, the Jerkop commander, and their prisoner. Taken by surprise, Al and Steve quickly hurried after him, then the rest of the Honey Badgers as well.
"…if I were you, I'd just gut the squealing bitch right now," Bagget growled, and glared up at Rosechu. "Trap or no trap, I can't keep my men here. Iseli needs help to take down the Shopping Center, and from what I've been hearing, it's not looking too good for them at all."
"It's our best chance, Marcus," retorted Giovanni, gritting his teeth in frustration. "Look, we've already got his wife. He's on the way out here. All we do is pull the trigger, and this whole damn war comes to an end. I've got operatives dying out there too, Marcus. You think I-"
"My sweetbolt will rescue me, you dirty trolls!" shrieked Rosechu dramatically, interrupting the Team Rocket commander. "Let me go right this minute! I'll make you pay for your slanderous-"
Giovanni sighed. "Ivo? Put her out. She needs her beauty sleep."
"Rrrrrright you are, Giovanni!" snapped Robotnik, and drew a small pistol from his belt. "Sweet dreams, Rrrrrrosechu!" Whirling around, he took aim at Rosechu and fired, sending a tiny dart into her neck. The struggling pink chu immediately froze and slumped over, unconscious.
"Much better." Bagget looked up to see Kevin and the Honey Badgers approaching. "Well well. Reinforcements. These yours, Nait?"
"Yeah, I found them over at the frontlines in Get-Tar," explained Reldnahc. "They drove right through the barricade with a fucking school bus. I don't know if they even meant to do that or not."
"Commander Bagget!" Al saluted sharply. "Honey Badgers, reporting for duty."
"Nicely done, Ledger." The Jerkop commander returned the salute. "You might not know this, but I just got a report in from Get-Tar. Apparently that stunt you pulled broke the stalemate and let those squads push past the barricade. They're attacking one of the loyalist safe zones as we speak. A whole lot of chus are dead now because of what your operatives did. Congratulations."
"Uh…thank you, sir." The Legend looked genuinely surprised at this news. "We did what we could with Reldnahc's assistance, given our situation. Do you have new orders for us, sir?"
"As a matter of fact, I do," replied Bagget. "You'll take my Bastards' place while I help Wes with the offensive up north. After Sonichu's dead, rendezvous with my troops in the Shopping Center parking lot – we're going to set up our newest HQ right over their home fucking base."
"Sounds like a plan, sir," said Al with a grim smile.
"Then I'll leave you gentlemen to it," the commander finished, glancing from Giovanni to Reldnahc to Robotnik. His eyes held the steely gleam of determination, even in the face of such brutally insurmountable odds. "Do it, and you'll never pay for another drink as long as you live."
"Get a load of this!" chuckled Robotnik. "We'll rrrrrremember to hold you to that, Marcus!"
"And I'll remember to hold you to yours," Bagget muttered as a trail of dust appeared at the entrance to CWC-Central Park and began speeding towards them. "Right, I'm out of here. Do it quickly." Without another word, he turned and walked toward a Punislav of his own, accompanied by the ten elite Jerkops that formed his personal guard – Bagget's Bastards.
"That's it! That's him! You! Jerkops! Set up in the bushes behind us," ordered Giovanni to the Honey Badgers. "And don't open fire until I say so! Ivo, Nait, get ready!"
"All set here, Dad!" yelled Reldnahc. Robotnik merely nodded and stepped over to join his comrades while Al, Steve, and the rest of the Honey Badgers hurried to set up a hasty firing line before Sonichu's arrival. Kevin drew a final grenade from his belt and slid it into the launcher on his AK-47. It all came down to this. One last battle, one final kill…and the city would fall.
"You psyched, little bro?" asked Nate, his voice trembling with anticipation as adjusted the dead Sonee impaled on the muzzle of his Barrett. "You've been waiting, what…ten years for this?"
"Six, if you count the time warp," Kevin corrected him. "Still feels like half a lifetime ago. We'll go home and see Mom and Dad and Lucy after all this shit's over and done with, okay?"
"Hell yes." Nate flipped up the rifle's bipod and lay down for a steadier shot. "Nick, any tips?"
"Go for the legs," the sniper muttered. "Kneecap him, and he won't be able to dodge so easily."
"I'd like to see him escape one of these," snorted Amanda. She had stuffed the Baby Boomer Rosey into her backpack for safekeeping, and was now eagerly spinning the cylinders of her grenade launcher around and around. "They're gonna be pickin' yellow hairs out of the grass for decades after we're through with that Electric Hedgehog cocksucker."
"Steady, everyone." Al's voice was grim, focused, the voice of the soldier he had once been. "This is it. This is the day we make history. Honey Badgers, lock and load."
In the bushes, each of the Jerkops raised his or her weapon, lining up their shots directly at the yellow blur just as it slowed to a halt right in front of Giovanni, Robotnik, Reldnahc, and the Punislav holding Rosechu. A bead of sweat dripped down Kevin's cheek. Time to die, Sonichu.
"Giovanni! Robotnik!" Sonichu shouted, snapping out of his dash and into a combat stance. "Where is Rosechu?!" He looked up and gasped as he noticed his wife hanging limp and unconscious in the Transformer's grip. "Rosey! Rosey! What have you done to her?!"
"No worries, Sonichu," chuckled Giovanni, smirking at the yellow Electric Hedgehog Pokémon and clasping his hands behind his back. "She is safe…for now…depending on your cooperation. And I suggest you keep your distance, withhold your attacks, and make no attempt to rescue her before I finish my say…" He glanced over his shoulder, toward the line of bushes where the Honey Badgers lay in wait. "…or she will die."
"Alright, I'm listening." Sonichu crossed his arms in frustration. "Speak your evil, coward."
"Very well." Giovanni took a step forward. "I want you to pledge your loyalty and obedience to my son, Reldnahc, and make him mayor of CWCville."
"What?!" Sonichu exclaimed in disbelief. "Hells no!"
"I implore you to think it over," sneered the Team Rocket commander. He raised his hand to signal the Jerkops. "What's more important to you? Your city, or your sweetheart wife?"
WHAM!
Kevin's mouth fell open in disbelief as Giovanni was knocked flat on his back by a spinning orange object that rebounded off of his face and whacked the Punislav on its arm and head with a truly ludicrous amount of force. Another rebound smacked into Robotnik and Reldnahc, sending both of them tumbling to the grass, stunned. The machine's hand and head fell free of its chassis, the former still gripping its captive as the stump sparked with electricity. Sonichu dashed over and caught Rosechu before she hit the ground, then pried her out of the crushing metal fingers.
"No!" Kuri hissed as the basketball's thrower dashed into view, accompanied by a purple Sonichu in a cloak. "Al! What do we do?"
"Stand down." The Legend raised a hand. "Stand down. The situation's been compromised."
"Fucking hell," whispered Steve. "They knew this was a trap. Arceus, we're all fucked now."
"Rosechu! Wake up!" Sonichu pleaded as he knelt by his wife. "Come on, sweetie! Wake up!"
Kevin silently prayed that the Punislav had crushed Rosechu before dropping her, but his hopes were instantly crushed when the pink Electric Hedgehog Pokémon sat up and opened her eyes.
"Uhhh… Sonichu?" Rosechu asked dazedly, looking around. "Where are we?"
"Oh! Thank God!" Sonichu embraced her tightly, nearly weeping with joy. "You fainted while that Punislav had you in its clutches; I chased after with a couple of minor interruptions."
"Come on, I can take 'em out now," Amanda growled. "Al, damn you, let me take this shot."
"I'm not going to let you put this entire squad in danger," the Legend replied. "That's Darkbind Sonichu and Bionic the Hedgehog out there. We can't go up against both. Amanda, stand down."
"Arceus!" snarled the Jerkop, and shouldered her grenade launcher. "Fuck you, Al. Fuck you."
"We are at CWC-Central Park," Sonichu continued as he hugged his wife. "Giovanni wanted to blackmail your safety and well-being for rule over CWCville; I almost gave in, but then someone cut off the hand of the robot that was holding you; I rushed to catch it and rescue you. Oh, sweetheart! Thank God you are safe!"
"Oh…thank you so much, honey-bolt," Rosechu slurred. She was still woozy from Robotnik's sleeping drug. "Who cut off that robot hand?"
"That would be us," Darkbind announced as he and Bionic made their way over to the lovehogs.
"Bionic and Darkbind; what's going on with y'all?" asked Sonichu in bewilderment.
"I was leveling-up with expierence by practicing my swordsmanship on some goblins and demon," explained the purple sword-wielding Sonichu, "when I heard the chaos caused by the giant robots, and I blazed a trail through some of the Jerkops and robots. I ended up here as well, saw you two in danger, and teamed-up with Bionic to help you two out."
"You see now?" Al muttered. "We shoot, and they'll kill us all."
"Well, I was shootin' some hoops with my homies at the court on 5th and Char St., when the Jerkops came and interrupted our high-5s," Bionic added. "So we split up and K-Oed some of them with our slam-dunkin' strength. I ended up here at the park where I saw you and Rosechu in trouble, then I found Darkbind nearby; we teamed-up and helped y'all out."
"Well, Rosey and I, we are grateful," replied Sonichu.
A loud gasp alerted Kevin and the other Honey Badgers to where Reldnahc had managed to pick himself off the ground. The teenager's eyes blazed with hatred as he glanced at the stunned bodies of his father and Dr. Robotnik, as well as the severed head of the Punislav transport.
"YOU!" he shouted, gazing at Bionic and grabbing a Poké Ball from his belt. Before the hedgehog could react, Reldnahc had hurled the red and white sphere directly at him, whacking him right in the face and knocking the spinning basketball out of his hand.
"OW!" yelled Bionic, but was quickly silenced by a thunderous roar as a fully-grown, savage Nidoking exploded from the Poké Ball and towered over him. "Aw, dang!"
"This is for that whack in my head back at the high school, Bionic the Hedgehog!" yelled Reldnahc. "NIDOKING! TAKE DOWN!"
The colossal purple armored Pokémon let out another roar and charged its opponent, slamming into the surprised Bionic at full force. The orange hedgehog flung out his arms to absorb the blow, but was forced backwards nonetheless, his feet plowing up two furrows of earth as they skidded across the ground. Sweat dripped from his headspikes from the sheer effort of holding his foe back, and for one hopeful second, it seemed as though the Nidoking would smash him against a nearby tree. Indeed, he was now fighting for his very life, pushing with his feet against the trunk as the Pokémon snarled and advanced, slowly crushing Bionic's resistance…
SPLAT!
The Nidoking staggered backward, pawing at its eyes where a thick glob of mud had splattered it across its face. Blind and disoriented, it stomped around in a frenzy, desperately searching for the hedgehog as Bionic pulled himself to his feet. Across the field, Sonichu stood grinning smugly, his shoe still dirty from sending the Mud Slap to help his ally.
"You bastard! You cheating bastard!" Kuri growled, her voice shaking with hatred.
Al remained infuriatingly silent. Kevin couldn't read his mind, but he had a suspicion that the Legend was feeling just as utterly confused and helpless as he was at the moment. The chus and Bionic had Reldnahc outnumbered and outgunned, now that the Honey Badgers weren't allowed to intervene. It would have been useless for them to try and take out three true Sonichus, one Rosechu, and - whatever the hell species Bionic was - by themselves, but part of Kevin still wanted to storm in there and at least try to take out the original Electric Hedgehog Pokémon.
"ARGH! Nidoking! What the fuck is wrong with you?!" yelled Reldnahc as the armored Pokémon finally managed to shake the mud out of its eyes. Looking around, it roared again and centered its attention on Bionic once more, who was currently receiving incredibly detailed and anticlimactic instructions from Darkbind Sonichu on how exactly the Mud Slap had worked.
"Just to let you know, Bionic," the purple chu explained, "Nidoking is a Poision-type, and he is weakest against Psychic and Ground-type attacks; Mud-Slap is a Ground-type attack."
Kevin couldn't believe what he was hearing. Was this how the chus fought every one of their battles? With Magi-Chan or someone else telling them exactly how to beat their opponents? The importance of destroying the purple psychic Electric Hedgehog Pokémon was more clear than ever to him now. No wonder the PVCC had been so soundly beaten – if all of the Chaotic Combo were receiving their instructions from one source…
"Awesome. Thanks, Sonichu," said Bionic. "Now, y'all watch me work my globetrottin' magic."
Narrowing his fused eyes in determination, the orange hedgehog dashed forward and raised a sneakered foot to land his first blow - a crushing kick to the Nidoking's lower torso…
CLUNK!
"AAAAAAGH!" screamed Bionic as his pathetic attack simply bounced off the hard plates of his opponent's belly armor, leaving him with nothing more than a sprained ankle. The Nidoking merely shook itself and roared, then stomped forward and delivered a kick of its own to the screaming hedgehog. With a meaty thud, Bionic sailed backward into a tree and slid down, gasping and wheezing as the wind was knocked clean out of him.
Kevin blinked in surprise. He hadn't been expecting that.
"Ugh…uhhhhhh…" Bionic dragged himself upright and limped back toward the Nidoking, then raised his fist and leapt straight up in an attempt at a heroic uppercut right under the Pokémon's chin. Growling, the colossal armored creature whipped its horned head to the side, then smashed the airborne recolor away as if Bionic had been a mere baseball. The orange hedgehog tumbled head over heels across the grass, gasping in immense pain while Reldnahc roared with laughter.
"Pitiful," Steve chuckled under his breath. "Maybe this whole clusterfuck wasn't a total loss."
"Quiet," hissed Zoey.
Dazed and covered in grass and mud, Bionic tried to regain his footing again, but stumbled and fell forward. The Nidoking nudged him with its foot, grunted in revulsion, then raised a clawed hand to finish the downed hedgehog once and for all.
"SO-NI-CHUUUUUUU!"
A bolt of lightning seared through the Nidoking's body with a flash of sparks and a thunderous crackle, fully electrocuting the massive beast. Its strength sapped, the armored Pokémon let out a last roar and fainted, crashing forward onto the ground less than two feet from where Bionic was weakly attempting to push himself up out of the grass. Gritting his teeth in helpless anger, Kevin glanced back to Sonichu, who had intervened just in the nick of time to save his pathetic friend.
"Damn it, hedgehog!" roared Reldnahc as he popped open a Poké Ball and retrieved the fallen Nidoking. "I will have my revenge!" Staring disdainfully down at the struggling Bionic, he raised a hand and conjured what seemed to be a pulsating ball of purple energy.
The hairs on Kevin's arms began to prickle up again. He and the rest of the Honey Badger knew that the real Naitsirhc had been a daemonhost for Reldnahc since the PVCC had used the Dark Mirror to trap Crystal Chandler, but his memories of the squad's nightmare journey through the Warp were just as clear as they'd been the day after they'd escaped. Whatever the daemon of Slaanesh was going to do, he had a feeling that it wouldn't end well for Bionic.
"Quee…fee…mae…mo…bo-bo," muttered Reldnahc, and hurled the ball of energy straight at the struggling orange hedgehog. "Let's see Chandler retcon this, you wretched recolor!"
FRRRRRPPPPP! Bionic shuddered and collapsed again, spasming as his bowels and bladder released of their own accord. Darkbind, Sonichu, and Rosechu all stared in disbelief as they watched their comrade suffer from one of the most insanely violent cases of explosive diarrhea in history. Reldnahc smirked victoriously, then glanced behind him. In the confusion, both Giovanni and Robotnik had managed to sneak away to the doctor's personal hovercraft transport.
"Much appreciated, mortal scum," the Slaaneshi daemon hissed in a voice from beyond his human host's dimension. "Farewell for now. Send a more worthy opponent next time." A bright flash of purple light seared across the park, and Reldnahc vanished into thin air.
"We'll get you back for this!" yelled Giovanni as Robotnik's transport lifted up and shot away toward the city. Kevin heard Al curse under his breath. It took him a moment to realize the awful truth – the Honey Badgers had been abandoned in the heart of enemy territory. The Battle Bus was still parked on the grass, and it had only been due to sheer luck that the Electric Hedgehog Pokémon hadn't yet noticed it.
"Al," Steve whispered. "Al, we need to get back to the bus."
"Just hold on," the Manajerk replied. "Wait for them to get out of…oh, fucking hell."
"Ha! Those JERKS could not stand up to us!" boasted Sonichu as he grabbed Bionic's hand and helped the befouled and incredibly embarrassed hedgehog to his feet. "It was a hard battle, but we won; Giovanni and Robotnik and Naitsirhc were forced to retreat." He made no mention of the curse of embarrassment, nor seemed to even notice the stench of raw feces. Most likely, Sonichu's sense of smell had been toughened up by intense exposure to the mayor's office.
"Uh…thanks, Sonichu," mumbled Bionic, still trembling from his horrible beating. "We should get back to the…we should go help out at the…Megagi?"
"L! A! N! C! E! R! S!" chanted Megagi La Skunk as she hurried across the park toward Bionic, clad in a Manchester High Lancers cheerleader outfit and holding two pom-poms. "Let's go, Lancers, let's go! YAY! BIONIC!" Evidently, Magi-Chan had only told her a fraction of what her sweetheart had actually done in the battle with Reldnahc. Bionic, however, seemed satisfied.
"Rosey, we gotta go!" Sonichu stated, turning to his wife.
"Okay, honey-bolt," replied Rosechu. She climbed up onto Sonichu's shoulders and grabbed hold of his ears, as if riding a furry, spiky bicycle. Kevin couldn't understand why Sonichu's headspikes didn't mutilate and impale her, but he was fairly certain that Chandler had come up with some stupid and overly informative explanation for such a minor detail of chu physiology.
The lovehogs dashed off, accompanied by Darkbind. Bionic and Megagi remained behind, celebrating together while the Honey Badgers waited and watched in anticipation.
"What a battle!" exclaimed Megagi as soon as she'd finished her idiotic cheerleader routine. "And you fought like a champion, darling; Magi-Chan told me everything! I loved the way you grabbed that dark energy curse and spun it right back at Reldnahc, just like a real Harlem Globetrotter! That was amazing!" She sniffed the air. "What is that smell?"
"Uh…Reldnahc ended up with some dirty, crapped briefs after he was afflicted by his own curse of embarrassment," Bionic explained hastily. "But anyway, it does not matter; it is all over, and we won! Now we should get back to the Shopping Center and help Sonichu and Rosechu with-"
Thunk! BOOM!
"AAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!" Megagi was hurled backward as the ground beneath her feet exploded, sending up a spray of grassy dirt and a few chunks of rock. Bionic darted out of the way, leaving his sweetheart to crash back to earth with a shredded leg and a broken hip.
"NOT SO TOUGH NOW, ARE YOU, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!" Amanda shouted as she stepped out of the bushes and advanced on the injured, screaming skunk. There was a loud click as she cycled her grenade launcher, preparing a fresh high explosive round to fire. "Come here!"
"GODDAMMIT, AMANDA!" roared Al, and hurled himself after her with his M4 raised to fire. Steve, Zoey, Kevin, and the rest of the Honey Badgers rushed out to join their squadmates, keeping their weapons trained on Bionic as they assembled on the field.
"MEGAGI!" screamed the orange hedgehog. "MEGAGI, WHAT IS GOING ON?"
"I'll tell you what's goin' on, you little orange bastard!" Amanda yelled, and brought a heavy boot down on Megagi's broken leg. The skunk let out a piercing shriek, but a vicious blow from the grenade launcher's stock quickly shattered her nose and part of her jaw. "SHUT UP, BITCH! Here's what's goin' on, hedgehog! You're gonna watch your sweetheart die, and then Kuri's gonna take you apart piece by piece. Ain't that right, Smurfette?"
Kuri raised her tekko-kagi and licked the blades. The look in her eyes was more than enough.
"Amanda, calm down," Al ordered, raising his hand. "We've got them both here. If we took them hostage, we could negotiate for some of the Jerkop prisoners in-"
CRUNCH! Amanda smashed Megagi in the shoulder, breaking her arm and prompting another scream of pain. Bionic let out a cry of anguish at his girlfriend's suffering, but dared not advance on the Jerkops or even try to defend the genetically altered Stunky.
"AMANDA!" yelled Zoey. "For fuck's sake, stop it!"
"No," muttered Steve. "Let her do it. See how they like getting fucked over."
"Son of a bitch. Amanda, stand down!" ordered Al, and fired a shot into the air.
"Or what, Al?" The Jerkop glanced over her shoulder disdainfully. Her face was spattered with Megagi's blood. "Or what? You gonna defend her?"
The Legend didn't respond. It was anyone's guess as to what was going on behind his welder's mask.
"We don't have much time," Zoey spoke up. "They probably contacted Magi-Chan already. We're gonna have mercs swarming this place in no time. The Shopping Center's lost – you know that! Not even Bagget's going to be able to stop them if they know we've got two of th-"
"My apologies," a sinister voice sneered from above. "I'm afraid you no longer have any time."
Whirling around, Kevin nearly suffered a heart attack as Magi-Chan Sonichu himself touched down on the grass, his baleful yellow eyes glowing with psychic energy. As each of the Honey Badgers looked back and realized what had happened, a wave of helpless despair swept through the squad, like icy water rushing across bare skin. There was no way out now.
"Thank GodJesus!" Megagi choked through a mouthful of her own blood.
"Oh, Arceus," breathed Steve. "Fuck me."
"Weapons up," Al snarled. "Focus on him. Everyone focus on him."
"Join the defense of the Shopping Center, Bionic," ordered the purple Electric Hedgehog Pokémon. "Your…assistance…is no longer required here. I will deal with these nuisances."
Bionic gulped, looked from Magi-Chan to the injured Megagi, then turned and dashed off, leaving the Honey Badgers alone with their captive and the Chaotic Combo member. Kevin kept his AK-47 trained on the Sonichu, stealing occasional glances at Allie, Nate, and Amanda, who was keeping the skunk pinned against the ground with her boot.
"Don't move, Magi-Chan," Al ordered, and nodded to Steve. The blond Jerkop drew Origin and knelt beside Megagi, then pressed the barrel to her head as she whimpered and sobbed in fear.
Magi-Chan sighed. "And what makes you think that this gives you the right to bargain with me?"
"The fact that you'll have to explain to Chandler why you let his first creation's sweetheart get her head blown open," retorted Steve. "Assuming he ever comes back. Now back off."
"I don't think so." The purple Sonichu raised a hand and pointed at Al. "Let me tell you what's going to happen, Mr. Ledger. You and your friends are going to drop your weapons immediately. After that, I will give you to Bubbles. No matter what you do, you cannot escape this fate."
Kevin felt another shiver run through his body. That voice…it was as if Magi-Chan was speaking both inside and outside of his mind. It almost felt like the same sensation he felt whenever he heard Graduon speak.
"I said, back off," Steve repeated, and cocked the revolver. "I mean it. I'll kill her."
Magi-Chan smiled cruelly. "Oh, is that all? Allow me."
Thunk! CRUNCH!
The grenade launcher dropped from Amanda's trembling fingers, its barrel spattered with dark red droplets. Megagi shuddered once and flopped limply to the ground as a pool of blood began spreading out beneath her head from the point where the 40mm shell had smashed the back of her skull into pulp. Kevin was about to dive for cover when the blood-covered, unexploded grenade rose from inside the skunk's head with a repulsive squish. Almost lazily, Magi-Chan twirled the shell around and made it hover in front of Amanda's face, as if mocking her with her own ammunition. Finally, it split into individual components and fell harmlessly to the ground.
"You see," continued the Sonichu in a disinterested voice, "I'm not really all that concerned with you and your little 'hostage negotiation' attempts. Now please, drop your weapons or I will rip them from your hands. Ledger, please comply…for the sake of your comrades."
"Why don't you just kill us, then?" snarled Al. "You're not like the other recolors – why even bother with the big villain speech?"
"Villain? Hardly." Magi-Chan laughed. "Just a concerned third party. You really must do away with this naiveté, Ledger. More agendas are in motion here than you can even comprehend."
"So what's yours?"
"A family matter, I'm afraid." The psychic chu glanced at something off in the distance. "Oh my. It appears your fearless leader has entered the fray. Shall we go check on her progress?"
"I've got a better idea," Al replied. "How about we all fire on you at the same time? I wonder…can you stop an entire wall of bullets, Neo?"
The Sonichu blinked. "Actually, I was hoping that you did that. The effect is quite remarkable."
Steve's jaw twitched. "Right. Fuck this, I'm done." He threw down Origin and glanced at the Legend. "Do it, Al. You got us into this mess. You're not getting us all killed."
"No, indeed, Bubbles will be more than happy to aid you in that regard," added Magi-Chan. "Do as your lieutenant says, Ledger. You've done quite enough for today."
"Damn it," hissed Zoey as Steve stepped forward and raised his hands. Al cursed and flung his M4 to the ground, followed by his two pistols. Kevin hesitated, then followed suit as well. One by one, the Honey Badgers surrendered their weapons, while Magi-Chan observed them with a smile. Eventually, they all stood before the Sonichu with their hands in the air.
"An excellent choice," commented Magi-Chan. "Now then…"
In a flash of light, the grassy fields and trees of CWC-Central Park were gone, replaced instead by a war-torn parking lot littered with burning cars, debris from destroyed Transformers, and the bodies of several dozen Jerkops, EHPF officers, and loyalist mercenaries. Kevin stared across the scene of destruction, his eyes wide as he realized the sheer scale of the June Offensive's failure.
By now, the siege was nearly over. What few surviving Jerkops were left were in full retreat, heading for Punislavs or transport Crackders as Angelica Rosechu and Zapina Rosechu hammered the operatives again and again from the air. Entire squads were being rounded up and loaded into EHPF vans by loyalists and Sonichus, while the distant rattle of gunfire sounded across the parking lot from the remaining shootouts.
The worst of it, though, was still yet to come. Looking up, Kevin could see Mary Lee Walsh herself battling ferociously against Sonichu on some sort of purple energy grid, striking out again and again with Graduon and her trident as the yellow Electric Hedgehog Pokémon dodged and spun around her attacks, pausing only to send a Thundershock or a few Spin Dashes in her direction. As Walsh flung a spray of purple energy spheres from Graduon's crystal, Sonichu lashed out and sent a bolt of electricity into her hand, forcing the PVCC commander to drop her trident. Before she could react, the furious chu had launched a Homing Attack on her, but Graduon quickly conjured a force field to protect her. Sonichu merely slammed into it and spun, whirling in a yellow and battery-blue blur against the might of the ancient spirit's dark energy.
For a moment, Kevin dared to hope that Walsh would be able to overpower her foe. Then the barrier shattered, and Sonichu's sneaker smashed into her jaw from beneath, sending her flying backward and over the edge of the grid.
"You see?" sneered Magi-Chan as he floated forward to watch the battle. At his order, a squad of loyalist mercenaries quickly surrounded the Honey Badgers, cutting off any possible avenues of escape they might have been able to use. "Your little war…was always a hopeless endeavor. Not even your leader stands a chance against us. If she cannot even defeat Sonichu with the help of her staff…what chance did you ever have?"
Kevin's stomach had become a black hole, threatening to devour him and suck him down into the depths of despair as he watched Walsh lose her grip and fall…only to be saved by Sonichu grabbing her. It was hardly a gesture of mercy – the Electric Hedgehog Pokémon simply wanted the citizens of CWCville to witness her defeat, and his own heroic deed in saving her life.
Salt in the wounds…all salt in the wounds…
As Sonichu flung his foe back to the safety of the airborne grid and plummeted down to the parking lot, Walsh raised Graduon and conjured a sphere around herself, then shot away toward Menchi-Nasu, along with the Crackders that had managed to escape. It had taken less than five hours, and the June Offensive was already over and done. It was all over but the crying.
"Put them with the others and take them to CWCville Penitentiary," ordered Magi-Chan. "Make sure you drive past the Shopping Mall first…they deserve to see what they failed to destroy."
"Yes sir," replied the mercenary sergeant. "Right, move 'em out. Into the vans, now."
"Have a safe trip," the purple Sonichu added, and vanished with a smirk.
The next minute was somewhat of a blur for Kevin. When he finally managed to snap himself back to reality, he, Steve, Zoey, Nate, Jexis, and Serge had all been forced into the back of an EHPF transport van in front of the Shopping Center, handcuffed together with another Jerkop from a squad they didn't know. Kevin himself sat opposite Steve at the very back of the van, with Nate cuffed beside him. The other prisoner transports were already departing for CWCville Penitentiary, and it wouldn't be long before the Honey Badgers too would inevitably face the Electric Hedgehog Pokémon form of "justice".
"Well, that's it," Zoey muttered. Her head sank into her hands, and a shaky sob filled the van. "It's all fucked. Everything's fucked."
"They took bus." Serge pointed out of the back door to where several mercenaries and a truck were towing the Battle Bus out of CWC-Central Park and into the Shopping Center parking lot. "They took Baba Yaga. Shock-pigs and shock-pig allies will pay. Serge will make them pay."
"Quiet," Steve spoke up. "I'm thinking. I think we might have a way out of here, but we need to get to the Battle Bus first."
"What?" Nate looked up. "Seriously?"
Steve nodded. "Yeah. They must've put our guns onto the bus – there's no way they could Baba Yaga and Trogdor and everything else onto that truck. We need to know where that Rosey is." He looked at Jexis. "You know, the one you and Amanda stuffed full of C4. If they take it on the truck…I think Amanda still has the detonator."
"Holy fuck." Zoey stared intently at the Battle Bus. "You're thinking…we blow up the truck on the way to prison, get back to the bus, get our weapons, and drive back to Menchi-Nasu?"
"No," replied Steve. "I'm thinking we're going to stage a little prison break first. Let's just hope to Arceus that Al's thinking the same thing. He's in the other van with Amanda."
"Guys…" Jexis pointed toward the Shopping Center. "Guys, look."
Kevin didn't want to look, but curiosity got the better of him. News teams were clustered around the entrance, snapping photos and taking footage of Sonichu, Rosechu, the Chaotic Combo (minus Magi-Chan), Blake Sonichu, Layla Flaaffy, Reginald Sneasel, and Simonla Rosechu. The Electric Hedgehog Pokémon and genetically-altered creatures were all lined up in front of the building, posing proudly for the cameras, smiling, and even waving once in a while.
"We watched your bought from down here," Rosechu remarked to her husband. "Why did you save her?"
"Well, as a hero, I could not help but to answer her cry," Sonichu stated smugly, making sure the news crews were able to hear each and every one of his lies. "Besides which, the true final blow on that witch belongs only to Christian." He looked forward and grinned with satisfaction. "Now, let's help put the city back together, then head home for dinner and Mary Poppins with our children."
"YAY! WE WUV MEWWY POPPINS!" a trio of shrill, immensely irritating voices shrieked as the recolors resumed posing. Kevin could have sworn he saw Steve's eye flash with sudden fire for a split second. Following the squad leader's gaze, his own eyes quickly settled on three garishly-colored blobs – pink, purple, and yellow - standing by Sonichu and Rosechu's ankles.
Cera Rosey, Christine Rosey, and Robbie Sonee. The royal brats, in the flesh.
Kevin had seen pictures of Sonichu and Rosechu's children before, but never in his entire life had he expected to feel such…rage towards them. They were well and truly hideous - sickeningly repulsive little abominations, even by the low, low standards of Sonees and Roseys. He wanted these three homebreds dead, and he wanted to kill them all right now. If he hadn't been cuffed to the van, he might have very well dashed right up to them and stomped them all into goo before their parents could zap him to the extreme.
"Steve. Steve!" Zoey reached out and patted the blond Jerkop on the shoulder. "Easy! Take it easy! We'll get our chance. I swear, we'll get our chance."
Steve didn't respond. His eye was firmly fixed on Robbie Sonee, who was smiling a revolting harelip smile and waving at the cameras. There was something… something disturbingly violent about Steve's gaze – a glint of pure white fury that Kevin had never seen before.
"Put the city back together…" hissed Nate. "We fucked up the city good and proper. Who wants to bet they leave all the HARD WORK to the human citizens, like usual?"
"Motherfuckers," Jexis added. "And now after this, we just proved that we can't even take out Chandler's creations, even though he's gone. They're gonna hate us. The humans, I mean."
"Well, Megagi's dead," replied Zoey. "That's one."
"But who's gonna miss Megagi?" asked Kevin solemnly.
"Wait, what?" One of the other captive Jerkops perked up. "What was that? Something about Megagi?"
"Yeah, we took her out," explained Steve. "Actually, Magi-Chan did. We just injured her. Did any other recolors get killed out there? What about Jamsta or Lolisa or-"
"Nope," sighed the Jerkop. "And both of our agents are down. Ivy O'Neil and Sarah McKenzie. Goddamn it, we're all fucking down now."
"But not out," said Zoey. "Hang on…you look familiar."
"You guys saved my life four years ago, back in the abandoned zone," the frizzy-haired man continued. "Yuri, remember? Angelica took out my squadmates." He nodded at Kevin. "Then she went after you. I still don't know how you survived that."
"Honestly, I don't either," replied Kevin. "Look, we might be able to get out of here. Just…don't give up yet. It's not over until we're all dead."
"That might end up being the case if we botch this," muttered Steve. "I've heard stories…terrible things about what goes on in CWCville Penn. If Bubbles gets her paws on us, we're all fucked."
"You said a bad wowd."
Steve whirled around to see Cera, Christine, and Robbie staring up at him from down on the parking lot. Their parents were still over by the Shopping Center entrance, but even if any of the Jerkops had managed to find something to kill them with, the mercenaries would have seen it.
"Dose awe da Jewkop twolls dat Mommy an Daddy beat up!" squealed Cera, pointing to the Honey Badgers and hopping up and down on her stumpfeet. "Hee hee! You big meanies awe gonna pway wif Aunt Bubbwes! She's gonna teach you ta be nice ta us, 'cuz we're speshul!"
"Awe you a pywat?" asked Robbie, gazing blankly up at Steve.
The blond Jerkop leaned forward, fixing the little Sonee with the most withering stare he'd ever given any of the Electric Hedgehog Pokémon larvae. "Robbie, huh? You're the Robbie Sonee?"
"Dat's wight!" replied Robbie smugly, smiling at Steve. "My daddy's da twoo an owiginal Sonichu, an he's da fastewst ting awive, an wun day, I'll be as fast as my daddy, even dough I twip a wot!" As if to emphasize this, the Sonee stumbled forward and began waddling around in circles, smirking proudly as his sisters cheered him on. Unfortunately, his display was promptly ruined when he tripped and fell six seconds into the routine, but Robbie wasn't affected in the slightest. "See? I'm getting fastewr evewy day! I'm gonna wead da next Ca-yo-tic Combow!"
"Robbie," Steve snarled, staring directly into the Sonee's vapid, reptilian eyes. "We're going to meet again one day. And on that day, I WILL BREAK YOU DEAD AND MURDER YOUR ENTIRE FUCKING FAMILY. AND BEFORE I KILL YOU, I WILL RIP YOUR FUCKING FEET OFF. DO YOU HEAR ME, ROBBIE SONEE? I WILL RIP YOUR FEET OFF, YOU SCUM-SUCKING LITTLE BRAT! YOU WILL DIE, AND WE'LL BE THERE TO SEND YOU TO HELL! THAT IS A FUCKING PROMISE!"
FRRRPPP!
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed the three insipid baby chus as Steve lunged forward and attempted to grab Robbie, who promptly toppled backward and reflexively shit himself. As the Sonichu children shrieked and began waddling away, Zoey fought to restrain her furious squadmate, but the Jerkop pushed her back, ripped one of his boots off, and hurled it at the screaming, fleeing Sonee. He missed by about two feet, but Robbie still tripped nonetheless and immediately lost control of his bowels again.
"SAVE IT!" yelled Zoey as Steve grappled with his other boot. "Arceus, Steve, you're gonna get us all killed! CALM THE FUCK DOWN!"
"That's enough! Get 'em out of here!" yelled a mercenary. Two men in combat armor appeared and slammed the van doors shut, trapping the Honey Badgers and Yuri in almost total darkness.
Kevin took a deep breath and tried to calm himself down. It didn't help much, but at least it was better than panicking.
If Steve was right about CWCville Penitentiary, there would be plenty of time for that after they arrived.