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Pulling Puzzles Apart

Chapter three :)

I tried my hardest not to cry, I'd been in here Five minutes and already I was a blubbering mess. I think it hit me again all over. Thinking of Terry was bad enough, but to say his name out loud made something inside me snap. Remembering everything he did to me made everything inside me hurt. My heart felt like it was being ripped from my chest and I was about to expose my torment to a complete stranger.

"Steven…I know this is hard for ye. Do ye want to talk about something else?"

"No I'll be okay in a minute. Sorry I feel dead stupid crying."

"Ye don't ever have to say sorry to me…ever, okay?"

"It's just that crying is for girls ain't it?"

"Do ye really believe that Steven?"

"I don't know what I believe anymore."

"So what's the happiest memory ye have of Terry?"

A happy memory, how can I answer that when I don't have any? I could make something up, but even he seems to know when I'm lying. Amy always did say I was a rubbish liar. Think Ste think there must be at least one. He's looking at me, waiting for me to answer, but I don't know what to say.

"Honestly? I don't have one. Hang on there is this one time."

"What happened Steven?"

"He hit Pauline really bad; he left her afterwards saying that he was never coming back. I thought things were gonna change, I thought it was just gonna be us, but the next day he came back."

"So ye only good memory of him is still a bad one?"

"I guess…"

"What about ye worst memory of him?"

"I have a lot of them."

"Okay have ye any that ye want to share with me?"

My face must look a mess to him, a mixture of sadness and rage. I feel like I could tell him every bad memory I have, but I'm ashamed. What if he sees in me what Terry did? He would always remind me how better the world would be without people like me in it. I thought there was something wrong with me, that I deserved everything I got, but then I got older and saw how my friends lived their life and it was very different to mine.

"I remember this one time, we went to the shops. I had my backpack with me as I wanted to play football with my friends, but Terry dragged me with him instead. I must have been around nine of ten and when we were in the shop he stuffed some things in my bag."

"Things…what things Steven?"

"Washing powder, chops…you know stuff. Anyway Terry was getting his booze and fags and something fell out of my bag…it was a packet of custard creams. I always remember because they were Pauline's favourites."

"So what happened after that?"

"Terry shouted at me in front of everyone…I can still hear him…"

"What have you fucking done now Ste? Nicking from our local shop, you should be ashamed of yourself!"

"I tried to say I didn't do it, but his voice was louder and everyone thought he was a decent bloke. Taking on a woman with a delinquent son, man needs a medal. The way he looked at me, I knew I was gonna get it when I got home."

"And did ye?"

"Well put it this way, I didn't play football in the end. I had two black eyes, broken ribs and I couldn't sit down for a least a week where he'd beat my backside with a belt."

"Have ye ever told anyone?"

"I tried telling Pauline, but she refused to listen. She never acted like a mum to me anyway. Amy knows and now you…that's it."

I couldn't believe I was sharing all this with him. I didn't even wanna speak to anyone and now I couldn't stop the words if I wanted to. I mean Brendan really listens to me, but it's just a job to him. Maybe that's why I'm so shocked at myself for sharing these horrible parts of my life.

"So you don't feel like you're mum ever supported you?"

"No, she supported Terry with everything though and I don't suppose I've ever got over that. They are the type of wounds that never heal."

I noticed him writing again, he must have jotted down loads of notes as this is now the third time he's turned over the page in his book.

"Tell me more about ye mum Steven."

"What do you wanna know?"

"Anything that ye wanna tell me?"

"She used to sing a lot, although she sounded like a cat being strangled, it kinda comforted me."

"Why do ye think that is?"

"Because every time she sung Terry wasn't in and I knew I was safe for a little while."

"So ye mum never hurt ye like Terry did?"

"She did a few times, but she hurt me more mentally. Calling me names and making me feel worthless. She put alcohol and Terry before me every time. Sometimes at night I would lay in bed wishing that I'd go to sleep and never wake up."

"That must have been horrible for ye. Did ye have anyone that ye could rely on?"

"Not really. I suppose that's how I became involved with the wrong crowd. I just wanted to belong somewhere. Can you understand that?"

"Yes I can Steven."

He stares down, avoiding any eye contact with me. His face is sad and for a minute it looks like he understands completely, like something similar had happened to him, but the moment soon passes as quick as it came and I'm left doubting the expression I just witnessed on his face.

"I think we should leave it there today Steven. Ye have done really well and considering ye didn't wanna talk earlier, we've made real progress."

"Yeah I didn't think I'd be able to talk to you, but you made it real easy."

"So will I see ye next week Steven?"

"Do you know what? I think you will."

"Well I'm glad to hear it. Remember this will take a long time, it's not a quick fix, but I can help ye if ye let me. I want ye to take this questionnaire home with ye, fill it in and we'll go through it next week. It's about how you're feeling, what makes ye mad things like that. It's worth doing."

"I will see you soon then…thank you."

"See ye Steven and take care of yourself."

I leave the room feeling very emotional, finding it hard to leave everything I've just talked about in there. I don't want to take all this shit home with me. Amy will want to know what happened and I'll have to go through it all again. Maybe I could drown my sorrows somewhere and go home when I feel a bit better. I want to believe Brendan, i want to believe that this could help me, but i can't help but wonder if it's going to cause more trouble than it's worth.

I hope you enjoyed it, looking forward to knowing what you all think. Please review xx xx xx