Pulling Puzzles Apart

Chapter Five :)

Part of me didn't want a session with Dr Brady today. I feel drained emotionally, but after spending all week on my own the other part of me thinks that it will actually be good to have a conversation with someone. Even if the conversation is one sided with the occasional "and how do you feel about that" thrown in. Amy hadn't called. No one had called. It's like I'm isolating myself from everyone and the worst thing is I can't seem to stop it. I knew that Amy wouldn't take much more, she gave me enough chances and i think I've just had my last one. I have one week left to find somewhere to live and I have no job, so what the hell am I going to do? It doesn't look very good for me, but I'll just sleep on the streets if I have to, I've done it before. Beggars can't be choosers I suppose. I can't expect Amy to forgive me every time and although I didn't hit her, I came close. I could see the fear in her eyes, but I feel in control when she is scared of me, It's like what I say goes. How fucked up is that?

I sit down in the waiting room and wait to be called; there is no one else here and I'm feeling glad about that. At least Mr lets tap my feet loudly and annoy everyone isn't here, I nearly smacked him one last week. I wonder why it's so quiet. The bloke on the bus told me it was 8.43 am and that was about ten minutes ago, so I know I'm not late. Maybe it's just me that needs guidance today. As long as it doesn't mess with my head like last time I'm okay, then again I have no one else to push away now. Everyone has gone. My name is called and I make my way over to the familiar door, it's like Groundhog Day, I'm even wearing the same clothes. I hope the posh Doc doesn't notice. I expect he'll be too busy judging me and taking notes. I feel small around him, I feel like I shouldn't even be sharing the same air as him, but I know it's my problem and not his. He's obviously had a better start in life; he's one of the lucky ones.

I knock on the door before I enter. He is wearing glasses today; he looks even more posh if that's possible. So not only does he have the funkiest tash I've ever seen he also has four eyes as well. Mind you the glasses kinda suit him. He gestures for me to take a seat and smiles a little at me; he must sense how nervous I'm feeling. I'm still getting over last week's shenanigans. I remember what Amy said "It'll get worse before it gets better" At least I'm prepared now, I know what to expect.

"Hello Steven, how's your week been?"

"Good thanks, yours?"

"Mine was very average Steven thanks, but were not here to talk about me are we?"

"No sorry."

"What are ye sorry for?"

"I dunno."

"So ye week then.. what's been happening?"

Nearly beat up Amy, lost my kids, have nowhere to live and have decided that I'm a complete and utter waster…just like Terry said.

"Not much really, I've been spending some time alone this week. You know thinking about stuff."

"Ye done ye homework for me to have a look through?"

"No, I didn't have time."

"Too much thinking Steven?"

"Yeah something like that."

"So what do ye wanna talk about this week?"

"You're the one with all the questions, you decide."

"I try, but the thing is you keep hiding things from me Steven. So maybe it might be easier if we do this your way."

"Hiding things? What am I hiding?"

"Ye said ye had a good week, but ye eyes tell me different."

"It's because I've been on my own all week."

"And whys that?"

"Me and Amy, that's the mother of me kids. We had a row."

"What about Steven?"

"It's silly really."

"I'm listening."

"I'm not very good at this talking stuff. I find it hard to express myself, especially when everything is my fault."

"Like what?"

"Last week after talking to you, I couldn't stop thinking about everything. Terry, Pauline, my past and how I was treated. I felt like everything was getting on top of me. Amy had given me some money to pick up some shopping on the way home, but I spent it all in the pub."

"Is that what the row was about?"

"No there's more."

"Go on."

"I can't."

"Why not Steven?"

"I'm ashamed."

"Like I said I'm not here to Judge ye Steven."

"She was nagging at me because I'd spent all the money in the shop, but I sorted it so it didn't matter."

"Sorted it how exactly?"

"I stole a bunch of stuff, you know things we needed. I know it's wrong, but my family comes first."

"So if that were true why did you spend the money on drink?"

"Are you saying that I don't put my family first? You think I'm scum don't you? I can see it, it's written all over your face."

"Calm down. I'm not saying anything. Do ye think its okay to take whatever ye want?"

"No I don't but I messed up and I had to fix it. Amy got mad though, made me feel even worse and my head was all over the place. I didn't want to do it; I've been doing so well. It's been like three months since…"

"Since what?"

I look down on the floor; there is no way I can look at him when I tell him what kind of man I am. He's not stupid though he knows; he knows exactly what I'm made off. He probably had me all figured out last week.

"Since, I hit her..."

The room fell silent and I look up slightly because right now I feel like the biggest wanker. Hearing myself tell a total stranger made it sound even worse. If he felt disgusted I couldn't tell. I just sat in silence as he wrote his notes, notes that probably included the words Total waster, Girlfriend beater, Should've been strangled at birth. I wanted him to say something, anything, but he just carried on writing.

"I know what you're thinking, but it's nothing I don't already think of myself. I know what I am. What kind of man hits the mother of his kids?"

"What makes you do it Steven?"

"I get so mad with her and then when I get angry with her I feel in control. It's like she is the only think in my life I have any control over. I do it and then I hate myself afterwards. I didn't hit her this time, I nearly did but I didn't. She has gone to stay with her dad for a few weeks, with the kids. She wants me out of her life for good."

"Did she say that Steven?"

"Yeah she said she wants me gone by the time she comes home. I know I'm only bringing her and the kids down. I have no job and soon I'll have nowhere to live. Maybe it would be better for everyone if I just killed myself. Terry was right about me all along."

"Steven there is always a solution. We are all here to help ye and ye have already taken a massive step by talking to me. Ye show remorse for your actions, which to me makes me think ye want to change. Talk to Amy, ask for her help, I'm sure she won't see you homeless."

"She has already given me so many chances though."

"Ask for one more, see what she says."

What's wrong with this man? He's got me crying again. I feel like such a freak.

"I want to change; I want to make me kids proud of me."

"Let's lay off the hard stuff for a while. Tell me something positive about yourself, what are ye good at?"

I dry my tears on the sleeve of my trackie top and sniff hard; I really have to learn how to control my emotions.

"Not much…although I enjoy cooking. I don't know if I'm any good at it though. Amy loves me cooking, she recons it's the best she's ever tasted."

"That's a great start isn't it? Maybe ye could look for a job that involves cooking?"

"Would you employ me? I mean look at the state of me."

"Ye just need to think positively Steven. Think of Amy and the kids. And no I wouldn't employ ye. But that's because ye wouldn't be any good at this type of job."

I let out a little laugh and I see him smiling back at me, I feel relaxed for the first time in a while and it feels good. Amy is always telling me I need to relax more. Maybe this talking shit does help.

"What do ye like about yourself?"

"That's easy, right now nothing; I hate the person I am."

"There must be something Steven. Think."

"I'm a good listener, at least so I'm told. Hey I guess we have that it common. See I could do your job."

"So ye like to cook and you're a good listener? It's amazing what ye find out when ye talk about things."

"When you put it like that yeah. I guess I'm just used to people putting me down, no one has ever said anything nice about me before. Amy did but I never believed her, because when we rowed she'd say bad things just like everyone else. Reminded me of home."

"I think we'll leave it there for today. Ye are starting to open up now and that's what this is all about. Just remember to stay focused and do the homework. Okay Steven?"

"I can't believe an hour has gone already."

"An hour and twenty minutes to be precise."

"Oh sorry."

"Do ye always say sorry?"

"Yeah I do, even when it's not my fault."

"I've noticed. See ye next week Steven."

"Thank you. See ya."

I felt better leaving there today, not so angry, sad more than anything. Sad because I know I'm wasting my life and I just want to be better. Once back in the village I pop into the shop. I have a few quid left of my dole money so I treat myself to a two bottles of cheap cider and ten fags. Tomorrow is a new day; I might even look for a job. I head home and enjoy an afternoon of Jeremy Kyle. That bloke really is funny. I feel a little tipsy, I've only drunk one of the bottles of cider, but I've had nothing to eat and sometimes that makes all the difference. I pretty much chain smoked my ten fags and I hate having to smoke the butts. The knock at the door startles me, making me drop my fag butt on the floor. I jump but only because no one visits me and if it was Amy she would just use her key. I make my way over to the door and open it up to see Dr Brady standing there.

"Hello Steven, I'm sorry to come to your home. I was wondering if you had a minute?"

"Um…yeah…sure come in. Just ignore the mess."

I showed him into the dingy living room, clearing a space for him to sit down. God this was embarrassing. It wouldn't have been so bad if I'd have cleaned up a bit.

"I'm not supposed to do this but I took a look on the job center web site and found a few jobs available in your area. They all involve cooking; I thought ye could take a look."

"Wow really that's great…thanks."

I take the jobs from him and put them down on the coffee table.

"Aren't ye gonna take a look Steven?"

"Yeah I will later. Can I get you a drink?"

"No thanks I'd better not."

"Come on as a thank you."

"Okay just one. I'll have a coffee please."

"Sorry Doc, I only have some cheap cider."

"Cheap cider it is then, but only a small glass for me."

"I go out to the kitchen, look for the best glass I have and pour him a drink. As I walk over to him, I trip on a toy that is left on the floor. The glass drops, smashing as it hits the deck, christ knows where the cider went, but I notice that I have fallen on top of him. He grabs hold of me and I am laughing like a donkey, but he is just watching me, staring intently and it makes my heart flutter. I don't move and he doesn't push me away. I feel like I'm being sucked in by him and I lick my lips out of nerves and then I…I kiss him. It feels like he is kissing me back for a little while, but then I feel him pushing me away. I land on the floor and look on at him. His eyes are wide, angry and I can't believe what I've just done.

"Did ye just kiss me?"

"I'm sorry, I thought…"

"I just wanted to help ye Steven. I'll see myself out."

Oh my god what have I done?

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